How to cheer up mother who has cancer?

March 21, 2005 5:14 PM

I have recently moved in to help my mother who is battling cancer can I do to make this process a bit more enjoyable for her? I want to cheer her up and bring some humor back.

After moving out her house of 20 years and my childhood home plus the horrid side-effects of chemo and radiation, I have noticed a dramatic decline in her spirit. The three geriatric cats are driving her insane and the physical pain is trialsome. The other day we had a tea party, we chat often, and I stock up on comfort food. There are many little things that make a difference but I still worry there is something missing that would give her more hope and joy. What are some ways to tell her everything is going to be fine?

posted by Viomeda to human relations (10 comments total)

Are her friends still living nearby? How about a dinner party or afternoon barbecue? Just having friends around that care about her might be helpful.

I had a relative who had cancer, and telling her how much I loved her seemed to work wonders.
posted by bachelor#3 at 5:42 PM on March 21, 2005

My experience is that all of us, even those of us who are more secure physically, subsist on the hopes and dreams we have and on the love we have for the people around us. Cheering someone up means reminding them of those two things, of the possibility of future happiness and the affection we feel for them today. So: when you want to cheer someone you care about, you should talk with her about her hopes and dreams for the future; when her health is reborn, as it were, what does she want to do with it? If she's artistic, you can talk with her about her art; if she's a homemaker type, you can talk with her about the kind of home she wants to make. In all of this, affection is the best medicine; hug her when she needs it, and remind her as much as possible that you're glad to have her around. She needs to know, first, that all this will pass, and, second, that a lot of people are glad she's around. So try to keep in mind at all times the love you have for her, and remind her of it.

Finally, don't rely on yourself too much. I'll be there's at least one person out there who's damned glad to know you, and who you can lean on. Do.
posted by koeselitz at 6:19 PM on March 21, 2005

Building off of koeselitz's commnt, plan a vacation with her for the future, something for her to look forward to through all the present pain and annoyance. Go somewhere exotic and warm, like Turkey or Egypt.
posted by Asparagirl at 6:44 PM on March 21, 2005

I don't mean to go newsfilter on you, but it bears repeating: make sure her medical wishes are known, written down, and witnessed.
posted by orthogonality at 7:23 PM on March 21, 2005

What are some ways to tell her everything is going to be fine?

Umm..are you looking to give her unrealistic or even false hopes?
I suppose outlining fantasy holidays or future plans would provide potentially amusing shared time. But I would hesitate to do so on any unrealistic basis unless your mother was 'open' or privvy to the inside joke of it. Otherwise it may prove difficult for you to look her in the eye with consistent sincerity. Or else a fall from the pretence, or realization of the true circumstances, may be a greater jarring of the spirits than the status quo.

Have you asked her about what she feels like doing/seeing/watching/experiencing at the moment? It may well be that little else could help right now excepting your continued presence. That in itself ought to be great comfort to her. She may not even want levity or jokes or funny movies or perhaps even interaction with former friends. It may be that the present circumstances, although outwardly negative to you, are in fact greatly ameliorated for her by your just being there.

But I would at first seek guidance from her, if you think she's capable of working out what might raise her spirits or even of telling the whole truth (I don't mean that disrespectfully, but many people play things down or titrate them to lessen the effects or responsibility for their loved ones particularly)

As a backstop to any other suggestions, sharing memories is often a very comforting way of sparking 'positive' thought patterns. Talking of remembered adventures from your childhood or, if she is able, perhaps drives around familiar areas might also help her find comfort by reliving moments of past joys. It might prove holistically beneficial in any event to connect in this manner. You may have questions about your family or background or descendents and the like that she may only be too willing to share about now.
But I would not be overly grasping for 'spirit building modes' if she is particularly unwell. Nothing other than basic physical comforting and provision of needed assistance will bring someone out of those doldrums.

As a last suggestion, seek her advice - she's your mother and it will undoubtedly make her feel good by helping you. I think you will know if that will help and what you might say. But don't make it a put-up job. She'll know.

You are already doing the most fundamental thing to assist her on all levels - staying with her - don't be disheartened or raise false hopes with yourself.
posted by peacay at 9:36 PM on March 21, 2005

You and your mother's lives are now stripped to the bare essentials! You deal with what is most fundamental. It is frightening, but can also be empowering. What "really matters" quickly rises to the top. Everything comes into focus; into perspective.

As my late partner and I dealt with his impending death a number of years ago, we found comfort and pleasure in so many of the simplest things. Illness - and in his case, impeding death - made each and every moment of shared experience that much more enriching.

It takes resolve, courage, strength and, above all else, honesty to navigate your current circumstances. As was my partner's refrain as he faced his illness and ultimate mortality: "It just is."

My suggestion: be a guide, a companion who can help your mother navigate the "ups", the "downs"; the "ebbs", the "flows." Try to understand when it's appropriate for you to "step back" and "leave her be." Be aware of when it's appropriate to be a host, a motivator; when it is appropriate to throw "a dinner party or afternoon barbecue" (as mentioned above).

For your own solace and perspective, consider watching Barbarian Invasions, It's My Party and other similar films.

By all means, be sure that you have others to whom you can turn for your own emotional support. Most local chapters of the American Cancer Society have support groups and programs for family members who are supporting a loved one.

Also, consider: National Family Caregivers Association, CareGivers.com and CareGiver and the Family Caregiver Alliance.
posted by ericb at 9:52 PM on March 21, 2005

Sometimes you just need to let her be angry. Give her an opportunity to vent every once in a while instead of trying to be relentlessly cheerful, everybody needs to unburden themselves sometimes and the sick most of all. Then try to cheer her up.

And don't forget to take care of yourself, you're no good to her otherwise. Best of luck to the both of you.
posted by cali at 10:23 PM on March 21, 2005

Here is another caregiving site. I also remember this comic that was posted on MeFi some time back.

My late father battled cancer for about 10 months. ericb's comments are similar to my own experience. It was a big transition for me to go from the baby of the family (I'm still in my 20s) to one of the primary caregivers -- the honesty ericb mentions is key to getting through this.

Specific things that kept my dad's spirits up:

Visits from friends and family. Even if he fell asleep, knowing someone was just there helped immensely. Some days, all I did was just watch TV or sit in the room with him.

Trips. He made all the big out-of-town trips when he was feeling his best, but even the smallest of outings raised his spirits - a trip to the bookstore or drive to the gas station.

Gifts that could be shared. My dad was embarrassed by me spending money on him. So, I started buying things the whole family could enjoy, like DVDs and food (usually exotic fruits). He also had no problem with loaner stuff, usually my books and magazines.

Spiritual guidance. I am not religious, but my father greatly was. When he stopped being able to go to church, I had CDs burned of the hymns and his best friend brought communion to the house. This is, of course, a very personal decision and not everyone has these needs.

Reminiscing. My dad never spoke about his family much, but in those final weeks, had all sorts of stories to tell. We had boatloads of photos to pour over.

Being useful. That's was the kicker for my dad. He worked his consulting job almost until the end. Plus, he made sure all family affairs were in order. That kept him busy and gave him peace of mind. But even little things like helping prepare dinner continued to make him feel needed. Keeping a normal routine for as long as possible.

Being honest. Again, there were times when his condition embarrassed my father - his haggard appearance, tremors, etc. I made it a point to educate myself as to what physical changes he was going through. With that, any physical care I could give him was a "solution" to a physical problem he was currently facing and not general "babying".

In hindsight, my dad's emotional care was really an accumulation of the little things. This was true even before his case was pronounced as terminal.

As has already been mentioned, be aware of your own care. Don't be afraid to make time for yourself. Most important of all, ask for help and graciously receive any invitations when you can.

Best wishes to both of you.
posted by Sangre Azul at 10:49 AM on March 22, 2005

My mom runs a program that brings teachers to nursing homes to teach a variety of subjects. As my mom can testify, learning a new skill does wonders to make people feel like life is worth living.

So, you might want to think about helping your mom learn a new skill. If she's up to going out, you could sign up to take night classes with her. If not, you could maybe take some sort of home course-- French In Action, for example.

One of the other things that my mom has noticed is that, in addition to learning new things, her students really value the chance to share their own knowledge. This is really just echoing Sangre Azul's idea that being useful is really important to people.

Best of luck to you and your mom, Viomeda.
posted by yankeefog at 11:03 AM on March 22, 2005

These are all really thoughtful and well detailed responses. Thank you for the efforts, I think I want to show her this comment page.
posted by Viomeda at 11:50 AM on March 22, 2005