My relationships come with a 90 day warranty and end as soon as it runs out. Why?
September 21, 2010 3:50 PM Subscribe
It seems like my relationship expiration date is set at 3 months in. What could I be doing wrong?
For the last 8 years, I haven't had a relationship last longer than 3 months. Here are some potentially relevant details about past relationships during that time:
1. Dating 3 months, had agreed on exclusivity, and then he reneged and wanted to date other people. I wasn't comfortable with this and it was over.
2. Friends for a year, then when I moved temporarily, we started dating long-distance for 4 months, then once we were in the same city again, he broke it off after 3 months (so my 3 month expiration date still holds, technically, if you consider it as 3 months of a face-to-face relationship). No real explanation given other than "I just don't feel the way about you that I should at this point."
3. Another one where we were friends for a year or so before dating, then saw each other exclusively for 3 months and it fizzled on his end because he said that dating me wasn't what he thought it would be (he had a crush on me for a while before we dated). Gee, thanks. I don't know what he expected, as we never slept together (his choice) and I'm not sure what kinds of(non-sexual) things he might have expected me to do as his girlfriend.
4. Met online and dated for 3 months in a somewhat tempestuous relationship. He broke up with me twice and each time apologized the next day. The third time, I didn't go back.
5. Met online and dated 3 months, ended mutually when we found we had differing views on children.
6. Met through mutual friends and dated exclusively, but at 3 months he said, "I just don't feel the way I should feel about you at this point." Again? Seriously? Where is this timeline written and why don't I know about it?
In between I have dated a few people, nothing lasting longer than 3 or 4 dates and not approximating anything more relationship-y. The thing is, I've been dating a guy for exactly 12 weeks today. And now, I'm terrified. I like him a lot, and we've talked about this (about a month ago) and established that I wasn't looking to date other people, but he still has an OkCupid profile up and said "Yes and no," when I asked if he was dating other people. I asked him to explain and he said the yes meant that he was open to meeting others and was still on OkCupid, but no as in he wasn't actively dating anyone else, and was most definitely not sleeping with anyone else or planning to.
So as we approach the 3 month mark, I find myself scared that this is going to happen again. I feel like I have a 90-day warranty, and when it runs out, my relationships run out. I am trying not to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am making a conscious effort not to do anything to push him away, and I don't think I ever did anything to put anyone off before. I'm not clingy or overly needy, in fact, most of my exes say that I was a really good girlfriend. Yet, this 3 month thing is becoming an area of insecurity with me. I'm ashamed to admit that I've checked up on his OKCupid profile (that's how we met, and yes, it's public so I can see it without logging into my profile, which is now deactivated) and seen that he's logged in a lot over the past week or so. Because of various things, we have seen each other only once in the last week and a half. I'm not sure if this is an actual cooling of things or if it's in my head. Either way, I'm starting to stress a bit.
Yes, I know that we need to talk and I plan to bring this up next time we spend time together. However, these kinds of talks terrify me because they have almost never turned out well for me, and more often than not lead directly to the end of the relationship. I don't feel like I'm being that unreasonable to request exclusivity after 3 months of dating, but given my past history, I am afraid this is what will spell the end of this relationship.
My specific questions:
1. Is it unreasonable to ask for exclusivity after 3 months? How is it best to go about this conversation?
2. How can I get over my fears and change this pattern of the 3-month expiration date? I'm 31 and haven't had a long term relationship since I was 22. I'm pretty much the only common denominator here, as the kinds of guys I've dated haven't had any one characteristic in common. And while I've made some stupid decisions in the past (see #4 above), in general I've got a pretty good head on my shoulders and conduct myself well in relationships. The OkCupid profile stalking of my current guy is the only kind of not-so-great thing I've ever done, and it's 100% fueled by my 3-month insecurity. So what's going on?
Anonymous because I feel kind of relationship-stupid at this point and don't want the whole internet to know that. Throwaway email: anniemouse9 at gmail dot com
For the last 8 years, I haven't had a relationship last longer than 3 months. Here are some potentially relevant details about past relationships during that time:
1. Dating 3 months, had agreed on exclusivity, and then he reneged and wanted to date other people. I wasn't comfortable with this and it was over.
2. Friends for a year, then when I moved temporarily, we started dating long-distance for 4 months, then once we were in the same city again, he broke it off after 3 months (so my 3 month expiration date still holds, technically, if you consider it as 3 months of a face-to-face relationship). No real explanation given other than "I just don't feel the way about you that I should at this point."
3. Another one where we were friends for a year or so before dating, then saw each other exclusively for 3 months and it fizzled on his end because he said that dating me wasn't what he thought it would be (he had a crush on me for a while before we dated). Gee, thanks. I don't know what he expected, as we never slept together (his choice) and I'm not sure what kinds of(non-sexual) things he might have expected me to do as his girlfriend.
4. Met online and dated for 3 months in a somewhat tempestuous relationship. He broke up with me twice and each time apologized the next day. The third time, I didn't go back.
5. Met online and dated 3 months, ended mutually when we found we had differing views on children.
6. Met through mutual friends and dated exclusively, but at 3 months he said, "I just don't feel the way I should feel about you at this point." Again? Seriously? Where is this timeline written and why don't I know about it?
In between I have dated a few people, nothing lasting longer than 3 or 4 dates and not approximating anything more relationship-y. The thing is, I've been dating a guy for exactly 12 weeks today. And now, I'm terrified. I like him a lot, and we've talked about this (about a month ago) and established that I wasn't looking to date other people, but he still has an OkCupid profile up and said "Yes and no," when I asked if he was dating other people. I asked him to explain and he said the yes meant that he was open to meeting others and was still on OkCupid, but no as in he wasn't actively dating anyone else, and was most definitely not sleeping with anyone else or planning to.
So as we approach the 3 month mark, I find myself scared that this is going to happen again. I feel like I have a 90-day warranty, and when it runs out, my relationships run out. I am trying not to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am making a conscious effort not to do anything to push him away, and I don't think I ever did anything to put anyone off before. I'm not clingy or overly needy, in fact, most of my exes say that I was a really good girlfriend. Yet, this 3 month thing is becoming an area of insecurity with me. I'm ashamed to admit that I've checked up on his OKCupid profile (that's how we met, and yes, it's public so I can see it without logging into my profile, which is now deactivated) and seen that he's logged in a lot over the past week or so. Because of various things, we have seen each other only once in the last week and a half. I'm not sure if this is an actual cooling of things or if it's in my head. Either way, I'm starting to stress a bit.
Yes, I know that we need to talk and I plan to bring this up next time we spend time together. However, these kinds of talks terrify me because they have almost never turned out well for me, and more often than not lead directly to the end of the relationship. I don't feel like I'm being that unreasonable to request exclusivity after 3 months of dating, but given my past history, I am afraid this is what will spell the end of this relationship.
My specific questions:
1. Is it unreasonable to ask for exclusivity after 3 months? How is it best to go about this conversation?
2. How can I get over my fears and change this pattern of the 3-month expiration date? I'm 31 and haven't had a long term relationship since I was 22. I'm pretty much the only common denominator here, as the kinds of guys I've dated haven't had any one characteristic in common. And while I've made some stupid decisions in the past (see #4 above), in general I've got a pretty good head on my shoulders and conduct myself well in relationships. The OkCupid profile stalking of my current guy is the only kind of not-so-great thing I've ever done, and it's 100% fueled by my 3-month insecurity. So what's going on?
Anonymous because I feel kind of relationship-stupid at this point and don't want the whole internet to know that. Throwaway email: anniemouse9 at gmail dot com
I had an ex bring up the whole "no romantic relationship ever lasted longer than..." thing with me when we first started dating.
This put a real pall over the relationship for me. I broke their "record" and stayed a little longer out of guilt. It was stupid of me.
Talk to a therapist about this. I think you are making too much of it, though.
One of my best friends (handsome successful guy) has yet to have a significant romantic long-term relationship at the age of 35. So what, you know?
It'll happen when it's meant to. That's all.
posted by jbenben at 4:03 PM on September 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
This put a real pall over the relationship for me. I broke their "record" and stayed a little longer out of guilt. It was stupid of me.
Talk to a therapist about this. I think you are making too much of it, though.
One of my best friends (handsome successful guy) has yet to have a significant romantic long-term relationship at the age of 35. So what, you know?
It'll happen when it's meant to. That's all.
posted by jbenben at 4:03 PM on September 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
To me three months is not too early to bring up exclusivity at all. I guess when you know, you know and everyone has different time lines on that. I think you should be direct about it, just say that you really like him and want to be exclusive. He may not feel the same, but if this is what you want, you might as well find out how he feels.
My first take was that you just haven't met the right person.
The way you have listed them here emphasizes a perspective of failure, as though you haven't been properly completing your tasks or something. You don't mention being head-over-heels for these fellows, although you may have been and just not mentioned it. It makes me think maybe you weren't that into them either-
Of course this is just based on the information as you presented it.
At least you don't end up 'stuck' in crappy relationships, maybe you and you partners are just quite well adjusted and know when things aren't going to work out.
posted by abirdinthehand at 4:17 PM on September 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
My first take was that you just haven't met the right person.
The way you have listed them here emphasizes a perspective of failure, as though you haven't been properly completing your tasks or something. You don't mention being head-over-heels for these fellows, although you may have been and just not mentioned it. It makes me think maybe you weren't that into them either-
Of course this is just based on the information as you presented it.
At least you don't end up 'stuck' in crappy relationships, maybe you and you partners are just quite well adjusted and know when things aren't going to work out.
posted by abirdinthehand at 4:17 PM on September 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
The OkCupid profile stalking of my current guy is the only kind of not-so-great thing I've ever done, and it's 100% fueled by my 3-month insecurity.
Actually, you haven't done anything wrong by looking at his public profile, especially when he's openly told you that he still considers himself to be in dating mode.
You're presenting this as if there's something weird or wrong with you for feeling "insecurity" in this relationship. Sorry, but the feeling of insecurity is appropriate! I say this not because of your history with 3-month relationships, but because he seems to have been completely forthright in letting you know that he considers it an open relationship. If this turns out to be enough of a schism that it leads to a breakup, that won't prove that all your relationships end after 3 months; it would just mean that, as with #5, you aired your differences and realized early on that you weren't compatible.
Is it unreasonable to ask for exclusivity after 3 months? How is it best to go about this conversation?
Of course it's not unreasonable to ask (which is different from feeling entitled to it). I wouldn't think it was odd even if you had been together for only 1 month. You should ask for what you want. Let him know your feelings as plainly as you've told us, and see what he thinks. (You've already let him know about the 3-month thing, so that's not much of an issue.) Don't assume he'll suddenly change his view of the relationship, but it's worth a shot.
My read on this situation is that the "3 months" coincidence is a bit of a red herring. I understand you're genuinely disturbed by it. But the more serious underlying concern seems to be: "I'm 31 -- why hasn't it happened for me yet?" To that, I can only say that having several short-term relationships in a row that you had originally hoped would be long-term isn't that anomalous, and it doesn't necessarily have any profound meaning. If there is something you've been systematically doing wrong in relationships, we'd have little way to know about it from your post. So I'm going to say it's just been bad luck. Even if you've made some relationship mistakes in the past, you may have learned from them, so your past isn't determinative of your future. You've at least gotten a lot of relationship experience, and you seem very clear about you do and don't want (that's part of why these relationships haven't worked out, e.g. #5). If the current relationship works out for the long term, great, but if it doesn't, you'll move on and things will be OK.
posted by John Cohen at 4:31 PM on September 21, 2010 [6 favorites]
Actually, you haven't done anything wrong by looking at his public profile, especially when he's openly told you that he still considers himself to be in dating mode.
You're presenting this as if there's something weird or wrong with you for feeling "insecurity" in this relationship. Sorry, but the feeling of insecurity is appropriate! I say this not because of your history with 3-month relationships, but because he seems to have been completely forthright in letting you know that he considers it an open relationship. If this turns out to be enough of a schism that it leads to a breakup, that won't prove that all your relationships end after 3 months; it would just mean that, as with #5, you aired your differences and realized early on that you weren't compatible.
Is it unreasonable to ask for exclusivity after 3 months? How is it best to go about this conversation?
Of course it's not unreasonable to ask (which is different from feeling entitled to it). I wouldn't think it was odd even if you had been together for only 1 month. You should ask for what you want. Let him know your feelings as plainly as you've told us, and see what he thinks. (You've already let him know about the 3-month thing, so that's not much of an issue.) Don't assume he'll suddenly change his view of the relationship, but it's worth a shot.
My read on this situation is that the "3 months" coincidence is a bit of a red herring. I understand you're genuinely disturbed by it. But the more serious underlying concern seems to be: "I'm 31 -- why hasn't it happened for me yet?" To that, I can only say that having several short-term relationships in a row that you had originally hoped would be long-term isn't that anomalous, and it doesn't necessarily have any profound meaning. If there is something you've been systematically doing wrong in relationships, we'd have little way to know about it from your post. So I'm going to say it's just been bad luck. Even if you've made some relationship mistakes in the past, you may have learned from them, so your past isn't determinative of your future. You've at least gotten a lot of relationship experience, and you seem very clear about you do and don't want (that's part of why these relationships haven't worked out, e.g. #5). If the current relationship works out for the long term, great, but if it doesn't, you'll move on and things will be OK.
posted by John Cohen at 4:31 PM on September 21, 2010 [6 favorites]
I'm in the UK, and I know that the dating etiquette in the US is different, but in my opinion, 3 months is plenty of time to figure out whether you want to have a relationship with that person or not (personally I have this conversation before sleeping with someone, but that's probably a UK thing). It's completely reasonable to have the exclusivity conversation now.
Ignore the 3 month thing - it's just a number. You just want to know whether he wants to take this relationship forward. And you want to take this relationship forward, but for you, that means exclusivity. And if he doesn't want the same thing, then you want to know now, so that you can stop wasting your time and move on.
Please don't let your relationship history make you think that the problem is with you, or something that you're doing wrong. Picking the wrong blokes is something that most of us do or have done at some point! And being true to yourself is something to be proud of. Most of us have friends who have stayed way too long in relationships that don't make them happy - ending a relationship that's not working at 3 months is soooo much better than sticking with it for a year and being miserable. In several of the situations you mention, you could have done that, but chose to be true to yourself. Being single may not be what you want, but it's a hell of a lot better than being in a relationship with the wrong person.
posted by finding.perdita at 4:47 PM on September 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
Ignore the 3 month thing - it's just a number. You just want to know whether he wants to take this relationship forward. And you want to take this relationship forward, but for you, that means exclusivity. And if he doesn't want the same thing, then you want to know now, so that you can stop wasting your time and move on.
Please don't let your relationship history make you think that the problem is with you, or something that you're doing wrong. Picking the wrong blokes is something that most of us do or have done at some point! And being true to yourself is something to be proud of. Most of us have friends who have stayed way too long in relationships that don't make them happy - ending a relationship that's not working at 3 months is soooo much better than sticking with it for a year and being miserable. In several of the situations you mention, you could have done that, but chose to be true to yourself. Being single may not be what you want, but it's a hell of a lot better than being in a relationship with the wrong person.
posted by finding.perdita at 4:47 PM on September 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm pretty much the only common denominator here, as the kinds of guys I've dated haven't had any one characteristic in common.
I'd say this statement is false. The guys you've dated DO have a characteristic in common - they don't want to date you exclusively. Sorry to sound harsh - I don't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that maybe you are picking the wrong guys. As stated above, I think the "3 month expiration date" is a bit of a red herring, and the real issue here is that you are going for guys that do not want a long term relationship - with you, or maybe anyone.
I'd say stop worrying about your expiration date, and start concentrating on finding someone that wants a long term relationship. I actually think 3 months is a pretty decent amount of time for you to date someone, see if it's working, and if, at that point, he's not ready to commit, head for the door. It's not a TON of time wasted, and it's long enough that asking to be exclusive isn't weird and for you to see if you really want to be in a relationship with the guy.
posted by coupdefoudre at 4:57 PM on September 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd say this statement is false. The guys you've dated DO have a characteristic in common - they don't want to date you exclusively. Sorry to sound harsh - I don't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that maybe you are picking the wrong guys. As stated above, I think the "3 month expiration date" is a bit of a red herring, and the real issue here is that you are going for guys that do not want a long term relationship - with you, or maybe anyone.
I'd say stop worrying about your expiration date, and start concentrating on finding someone that wants a long term relationship. I actually think 3 months is a pretty decent amount of time for you to date someone, see if it's working, and if, at that point, he's not ready to commit, head for the door. It's not a TON of time wasted, and it's long enough that asking to be exclusive isn't weird and for you to see if you really want to be in a relationship with the guy.
posted by coupdefoudre at 4:57 PM on September 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, I know that we need to talk and I plan to bring this up next time we spend time together. However, these kinds of talks terrify me because they have almost never turned out well for me, and more often than not lead directly to the end of the relationship. don't feel like I'm being that unreasonable to request exclusivity after 3 months of dating, but given my past history, I am afraid this is what will spell the end of this relationship.
This almost makes me feel like you should bring up exclusivity even earlier.
If you bring up exclusivity at 3 months and the relationship ends as a result of that, that is not a failure at all. That is you finding out that the person you're dating doesn't want the same thing that you do, and not wasting any more of your time.
It sounds like you date a lot of guys (not all of them, but a lot of them) who are just not that into you.
Maybe instead of continuing to try hard not to push away guys and be the perfect girlfriend for guys who are not that into you, you might try just moving on as soon as you notice wavering and mixed messages or outright signs of not being that into you. Like the fact that you've been dating someone for 3 months and he still has an OkCupid profile up. Try dating guys who are really into you from the get-go and don't give mixed messages. That obviously will not be foolproof, like with the guy who had a crush on you, but I think it'll give you much better odds.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:05 PM on September 21, 2010 [18 favorites]
This almost makes me feel like you should bring up exclusivity even earlier.
If you bring up exclusivity at 3 months and the relationship ends as a result of that, that is not a failure at all. That is you finding out that the person you're dating doesn't want the same thing that you do, and not wasting any more of your time.
It sounds like you date a lot of guys (not all of them, but a lot of them) who are just not that into you.
Maybe instead of continuing to try hard not to push away guys and be the perfect girlfriend for guys who are not that into you, you might try just moving on as soon as you notice wavering and mixed messages or outright signs of not being that into you. Like the fact that you've been dating someone for 3 months and he still has an OkCupid profile up. Try dating guys who are really into you from the get-go and don't give mixed messages. That obviously will not be foolproof, like with the guy who had a crush on you, but I think it'll give you much better odds.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:05 PM on September 21, 2010 [18 favorites]
3 months isn't your expiration date, it's "the" expiration date for many people when figuring out whether a relationship is worth pursuing. It just means you haven't met the right person. Why that is, is a different question. It has nothing to do with exclusivity or the 3 month thing, though. I know it's easier said than done to not worry about 3 months, but that is kind of what you have to do? If it's right, then hopefully you won't even be worrying at that point. Good luck!
posted by unknowncommand at 5:44 PM on September 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by unknowncommand at 5:44 PM on September 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
You can start by looking at the 3 month thing as one of the milestones in a relationship. For example, the first year anniversary, the seven year itch...heck there is even a fourth year blues in graduate school ( I think there was another specific word for it...not blues but something equally interesting). There is nothing in life that is constant and that includes relationships. These milestones are good in a way as you can reflect and say that things have been good till so and so time but things are also expected to shift a little bit afterward. That change is inevitable and can go either way. It has nothing to do with *you* or what you are *doing*.
I feel like I have a 90-day warranty, and when it runs out, my relationships run out.
Instead of this you can think of it as, "oh we have just been together for 1/2/3 months... I am not ready to settle down with this guy just yet. He has much to prove before he is even in the league. I like him for now and things are good. Let me just enjoy and have fun right now".
Another thing that comes to mind and could be relevant is that maybe you are placing too much importance on your relationships. It seems like every guy is looked at as a potential "the one". And the 90-day-warranty feeling in this case is understandable and inevitable. But if you think of guys like buses, you can twist the thought around. If you miss this one, you'll catch the next. This isn't the last bus on the planet you'll get on, is it?
Finally, no one comes with a warranty, least of all men.
posted by xm at 5:45 PM on September 21, 2010
I feel like I have a 90-day warranty, and when it runs out, my relationships run out.
Instead of this you can think of it as, "oh we have just been together for 1/2/3 months... I am not ready to settle down with this guy just yet. He has much to prove before he is even in the league. I like him for now and things are good. Let me just enjoy and have fun right now".
Another thing that comes to mind and could be relevant is that maybe you are placing too much importance on your relationships. It seems like every guy is looked at as a potential "the one". And the 90-day-warranty feeling in this case is understandable and inevitable. But if you think of guys like buses, you can twist the thought around. If you miss this one, you'll catch the next. This isn't the last bus on the planet you'll get on, is it?
Finally, no one comes with a warranty, least of all men.
posted by xm at 5:45 PM on September 21, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
1. Telling potential beaus about my 3 month expiration date. I don't tell guys I date about this because, as jbenben said, this can cast quite the pall on a relationship. So I'm always hesitant to bring this up lest a guy stay with me out of pity. The only times I've mentioned this to guys, it's been after we were done and when we were speaking as friends.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:07 PM on September 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
2. As coupdefoudre and Ashley801 said, maybe the common thread here is that I'm dating guys who just aren't that into me. I'd totally agree, but in most of these cases, the guys were utterly gaga over me, and in a couple of cases (#3, #5, and #6), to the point that they won me over when I was just lukewarm about them at first. In cases #1, #2, and #6, I was totally blindsided when it ended because the guys were so affectionate, actively communicating and making plans with me, and giving me all the signals that they were totally into me, and then all of a sudden they said, "Nope, we're done." No warning, not even with hindsight helping me to pick out any potential clues. I guess this could be my question for next week, how do I know when a guy is *actually* into me or is just going through the motions? ;)
Someone mentioned the possibility that I am dating people who aren't looking for LTRs. Well, in 3 of these cases, the guy married the next girl he dated after me. I'm like a lucky charm or something--3 months of dating me, and you'll meet the girl of your dreams right after.
I could be wrong but it seems like you're giving the guys all the power to decide whether the relationship continues or not, and as long as any of them wants to stick around for longer than 3 months, that's good enough for you. As in, that's your aim, get a long term relationship instead of, is this person a good fit, do we have similar values, is he someone I want to be with long term.
It's not about getting into a relationship, it's about getting into one for the right reasons, with the right person. Maybe these men are picking up on the fact that you just want one, with anyone, and it's scaring them off.
I would start being a bit more assertive. If you want to be exclusive, let him know. If you don't want him trawling dating sites, tell him that and say if he wants to be with you, he has to be with you or it's off, you don't want to be casual. And then follow through.
My husband tried this with me when we first started dating, and I told him that was fine, but not for me and I would be moving on. Then I moved interstate. Once he knew I wasn't going to wait around for him to decide whether or not he wanted me while he dated around (and indeed had moved 5000 miles away) he realised he would have to fight to keep me. And he did. State what you want, don't play games and don't put up with men who do. People will respect you more and you'll end up in a good relationship that deosn't give all the power to one person.
posted by Jubey at 6:08 PM on September 21, 2010 [9 favorites]
It's not about getting into a relationship, it's about getting into one for the right reasons, with the right person. Maybe these men are picking up on the fact that you just want one, with anyone, and it's scaring them off.
I would start being a bit more assertive. If you want to be exclusive, let him know. If you don't want him trawling dating sites, tell him that and say if he wants to be with you, he has to be with you or it's off, you don't want to be casual. And then follow through.
My husband tried this with me when we first started dating, and I told him that was fine, but not for me and I would be moving on. Then I moved interstate. Once he knew I wasn't going to wait around for him to decide whether or not he wanted me while he dated around (and indeed had moved 5000 miles away) he realised he would have to fight to keep me. And he did. State what you want, don't play games and don't put up with men who do. People will respect you more and you'll end up in a good relationship that deosn't give all the power to one person.
posted by Jubey at 6:08 PM on September 21, 2010 [9 favorites]
The good news is that you realize the only common denominator is yourself. I'm constantly shocked by the huge number of people who never figure that out.
One guess might be the men you date. Again, this comes back to you. You choosing them. Or, at the very least, you're choosing to date them when they first choose you. Are you choosing poorly? Do you have a thing for flaky men? I know a woman who loves "spontaneous" men. That's what she calls them, but really, they're immature flakes and I'm never surprised when things don't last.
What things do the men you've dated have in common? Is a quality you're attracted to in a date actually a negative trait in a partner? It's worth giving serious thought to.
As for the current man: It's up to you to decide what you want. If you don't want to date someone who is also dating other people, you need to tell him that. If you want to be exclusive with him, you need to tell him. If you want to see if your relationship can last.... you need to tell him.
Best of luck.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:09 PM on September 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
One guess might be the men you date. Again, this comes back to you. You choosing them. Or, at the very least, you're choosing to date them when they first choose you. Are you choosing poorly? Do you have a thing for flaky men? I know a woman who loves "spontaneous" men. That's what she calls them, but really, they're immature flakes and I'm never surprised when things don't last.
What things do the men you've dated have in common? Is a quality you're attracted to in a date actually a negative trait in a partner? It's worth giving serious thought to.
As for the current man: It's up to you to decide what you want. If you don't want to date someone who is also dating other people, you need to tell him that. If you want to be exclusive with him, you need to tell him. If you want to see if your relationship can last.... you need to tell him.
Best of luck.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:09 PM on September 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
"1. Is it unreasonable to ask for exclusivity after 3 months? How is it best to go about this conversation?"
Absolutely. If I'm dating someone, I usually have the "exclusivity" talk before having sex because I don't want to be dating someone who is having sex with other people. I'd feel hurt if I were dating someone who was out holding hands and being romantic with someone else. That's how I feel. How do YOU feel? You shouldn't decide what is reasonable for you based on what other people think. What do YOU think? Trust your judgment.
2. How can I get over my fears and change this pattern of the 3-month expiration date?
Talk honestly and openly with the person you're dating. Thoughts you don't share with the man your dating about your and his relationship lead to ambiguity and confusion. No good can come from that.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:17 PM on September 21, 2010
Absolutely. If I'm dating someone, I usually have the "exclusivity" talk before having sex because I don't want to be dating someone who is having sex with other people. I'd feel hurt if I were dating someone who was out holding hands and being romantic with someone else. That's how I feel. How do YOU feel? You shouldn't decide what is reasonable for you based on what other people think. What do YOU think? Trust your judgment.
2. How can I get over my fears and change this pattern of the 3-month expiration date?
Talk honestly and openly with the person you're dating. Thoughts you don't share with the man your dating about your and his relationship lead to ambiguity and confusion. No good can come from that.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:17 PM on September 21, 2010
GAH!!! I meant absolutely NOT. Or, really, it is ABSOLUTELY Reasonable :) So sorry!
posted by 2oh1 at 8:01 PM on September 21, 2010
posted by 2oh1 at 8:01 PM on September 21, 2010
I've come to believe from having similar situations such as yours that many guys doing the online dating thing have the mindset that they can always do better. Here they have a huge pool of people, some they are talking to simultaneously or profiles of people they have or have yet to discover and be interested in. When things go even slightly wrong or they are looking for something off and find it, they end it because in their minds you are replaceable. Some even think if you were "The One", it would be more obvious.
I'm actually shocked by the amount of men I've talk to, dated, lived with, etc. who seem to have it in their head there's a soul mate out there for them, much like little girls think they're all entitled to a Prince Charming. They wade through profiles, find significant spark in an email exchange or IM conversation, but once they meet you, or after few/several dates, the novelty wears off and they're determined to start all over again. My favorites have been the one who simply stop contacting you.
I think the key is to find out how committed this guy is BY having a conversation of exclusivity. I think you wanting it is totally valid and this conversation will give you a better idea of where he's at. If he cuts and runs, hems and haws, RUN THE OTHER WAY. If you're looking for something serious or long-term, the guy should some show semblance of stability and solidness.
posted by patientpatient at 10:02 PM on September 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm actually shocked by the amount of men I've talk to, dated, lived with, etc. who seem to have it in their head there's a soul mate out there for them, much like little girls think they're all entitled to a Prince Charming. They wade through profiles, find significant spark in an email exchange or IM conversation, but once they meet you, or after few/several dates, the novelty wears off and they're determined to start all over again. My favorites have been the one who simply stop contacting you.
I think the key is to find out how committed this guy is BY having a conversation of exclusivity. I think you wanting it is totally valid and this conversation will give you a better idea of where he's at. If he cuts and runs, hems and haws, RUN THE OTHER WAY. If you're looking for something serious or long-term, the guy should some show semblance of stability and solidness.
posted by patientpatient at 10:02 PM on September 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think you're focusing too much on the "3 month" time-line. Probably, the guys you were with had little idea how long you've been together, but it just so happens that around the 3 month time, you've been together long enough to get to know the person well enough and allow feelings to develop to determine whether you can make it long term. It's kind of like how around the 3rd date (which one can consider the more short-term analogy), you're done enough feeling the person out, and you know whether you want to invest more time and energy into "just seeing where this will lead". It's possible that before the 3 months, the guys were just open to what might happen and everything was just lighthearted fun (and they were quite possibly also infatuated with the newness and winning you over), and once that calms down, you two know a thing or two about each other, it's natural to start thinking about whether this is really going somewhere. The answer was probably "no" (or they got scared, side-tracked, etc, etc). It probably has little to do with you, or the dreaded "THREE MONTHS" but more to do with the fact that given that amount of time, it's natural to think about a next step, and many men might not be ready to take it. It's near impossible to diagnose over the internet, and we can only trust you are normal and have your head on straight, and even your exes say good things about you, so it just appears you're probably not doing anything wrong. You've already done the self-reflection and talking it over with exes (maybe you can also talk about it with some trusted friends), but at this point, best the internet can advise is for you to relax and just blame it on bad luck. In fact, a few of the break-ups appear to be completely different and reasonable circumstances (ie mutual breakup due to differing views about children).
Also, about your current beau-- it doesn't actually seem like you're in a relationship. It seems he's still viewing it as casual and open. If you want it to change, talk to him about exclusivity (and yes, it's fine to bring it up now, especially if it's something you want). All I can say is be wary of the person who says they're keeping their profile open, but not "actively looking" as if it's a consolation, especially after you expressed your concerns about it. It means nothing. He's keeping his options open and is totally uncommitted, and if someone great comes along, he'll jump at the chance. He's trying to have his cake and eat it, too. This is fine when both parties agree, but you need to talk to him about it.
posted by lacedcoffee at 10:25 PM on September 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, about your current beau-- it doesn't actually seem like you're in a relationship. It seems he's still viewing it as casual and open. If you want it to change, talk to him about exclusivity (and yes, it's fine to bring it up now, especially if it's something you want). All I can say is be wary of the person who says they're keeping their profile open, but not "actively looking" as if it's a consolation, especially after you expressed your concerns about it. It means nothing. He's keeping his options open and is totally uncommitted, and if someone great comes along, he'll jump at the chance. He's trying to have his cake and eat it, too. This is fine when both parties agree, but you need to talk to him about it.
posted by lacedcoffee at 10:25 PM on September 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
I had a similar situation -- 5 breakups in about 18 months. One guy after another, dumping me.
I'm really not sure exactly what broke the streak, except that after that I stopped giving a damn for a while. I just didn't care anymore. I didn't pursue; I didn't focus on relationships. If someone liked me, they could show it... and I might reciprocate. I kept my own power.
I still haven't figured out what causes the 3 month thing, except that the guy is probably thinking, this is getting serious and that he should either really commit or get going. And he doesn't want to commit. He just doesn't like you enough. That's nothing bad about you or him, just a fact.
I think you are giving these guys too much power. You are not dumping them; you are waiting to see if they dump you. So, do you really like this current guy? If not, you should dump him. If you really like him, and he dumps you, plan to dump the next guy... and see if he makes it worth your while to stick around.
posted by alternateuniverse at 11:44 PM on September 21, 2010 [7 favorites]
I'm really not sure exactly what broke the streak, except that after that I stopped giving a damn for a while. I just didn't care anymore. I didn't pursue; I didn't focus on relationships. If someone liked me, they could show it... and I might reciprocate. I kept my own power.
I still haven't figured out what causes the 3 month thing, except that the guy is probably thinking, this is getting serious and that he should either really commit or get going. And he doesn't want to commit. He just doesn't like you enough. That's nothing bad about you or him, just a fact.
I think you are giving these guys too much power. You are not dumping them; you are waiting to see if they dump you. So, do you really like this current guy? If not, you should dump him. If you really like him, and he dumps you, plan to dump the next guy... and see if he makes it worth your while to stick around.
posted by alternateuniverse at 11:44 PM on September 21, 2010 [7 favorites]
I was going to favourite Ashley801's theory that the guy might not be into you in the first place, until I saw your response to that comment. If it's not that, then, like alternate universe, I think that perhaps you are letting the guy have too much power. Stop caring about being in a relationship, stop caring about trying to make it over the 3 month mark. If the relationship happens, it happens. If it doesn't, who cares? There is a guy (or guys) out there who is a better match for you, and who think you are amazing, and who would want to stay with you forever. Don't waste any more time with guys who might not be completely compatible with you. Actually, I think you are very lucky to have these 3 month "relationships" -- at least the guy isn't wasting more of your time than he has to, and at least he's not being wishy-washy about commitment and leading you on longer than you have to. So count yourself lucky!
posted by moiraine at 5:17 AM on September 22, 2010
posted by moiraine at 5:17 AM on September 22, 2010
Based on your follow up and explaining how these guys were gaga crazy over you, could it be that you are going for guys who like the chase and get (and get over) crushes easily?
I had a terribly perplexing and painful breakup from someone who went from saying he wanted to spend his life with me to "I just want to be friends" in about the span of a week (at about the 2 month mark). I felt really horrible after this but came to realize that I had bought into his fantasy that we were meant to be together. But he couldn't know this at 2 months and neither could I. After that, I decided that I would not date people who "liked me too much too soon."
Only date guys who know how to keep a healthy realism about who you are and not some projectd idea of who you are (as is usually the case in crushes).
posted by murrey at 7:15 AM on September 22, 2010 [4 favorites]
I had a terribly perplexing and painful breakup from someone who went from saying he wanted to spend his life with me to "I just want to be friends" in about the span of a week (at about the 2 month mark). I felt really horrible after this but came to realize that I had bought into his fantasy that we were meant to be together. But he couldn't know this at 2 months and neither could I. After that, I decided that I would not date people who "liked me too much too soon."
Only date guys who know how to keep a healthy realism about who you are and not some projectd idea of who you are (as is usually the case in crushes).
posted by murrey at 7:15 AM on September 22, 2010 [4 favorites]
Have you tried dating multiple people concurrently? It's usually worked well for me, and eventually if someone is "THE" one, that seems to emerge for both parties. (Safe sex/honesty/yada assumed as a matter of course.)
Plenty of fish, etc. Good luck to you.
posted by cyndigo at 10:02 AM on September 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
Plenty of fish, etc. Good luck to you.
posted by cyndigo at 10:02 AM on September 22, 2010 [2 favorites]
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Also, have you considered the kind of guys you're into? I know you're 31, and if you're dating guys around that age, they sound like people who just haven't grown up and want to stay in the Never-Never Land of Never Having LTRs. Do they go on to have LTRs with other women, to your knowledge?
posted by Dukat at 3:59 PM on September 21, 2010