When do people expect exclusivity in online dating?

September 15, 2011 10:13 AM

I'm new to this online dating thing, and I'm not really sure what the etiquette is for dating multiple people simultaneously. Help me figure out what the unstated expectations are!

I've only ever dated people from my extended circle of friends in the past, where exclusivity was expected very quickly because everyone knew you were dating (or that something was brewing, at least). But from reading about online dating here, it seems like it's totally acceptable to be seeing more than one person at once. But I'm not sure how to handle it. Late twenties straight male, if it's important.

I've gone on four dates with person A, one date with person B. Have scheduled futures dates with both. Have moved off the source site (OK Cupid) in both cases. I really enjoy spending time with both women but now I'm in this weird bind where I feel like I'm comparing and choosing and I know a lot less about B than A. Haven't done anything more intimate than hugs with either. I want to see where both relationships go, but what's the point where I need to break one off out of respect for the other? If we haven't had a conversation about exclusivity is it okay to still be seeing other people? Is there an expectation that if we sleep together that I'm not going to sleep with anyone else? I feel like something like sleeping together would be an important see-if-this-is-gonna-work step, but is it also a commitment step?

I'm trying to think about what I expect from someone I'm dating and I'm just sort of confused and conflicted. I think I'd be a little jealous if I knew either person was seeing someone else regularly, but I don't think I'd think they were doing anything wrong. I think I'd just be sad if things were progressing more quickly or becoming more serious with someone else because that meant it wasn't going to work out for me, but not that they'd done anything wrong. Is this how other people think about this situation?

Bonus question: what's a normal pace for relationships to move towards being more like dating and less like activity partners? As the guy, am I supposed to take the lead on this? It feels weird to, like, make a move outside a restaurant or subway station before we go our separate ways. Am I supposed to just invite them back to my apartment? That feels weird, too, since I have roommates who will be around who haven't met them yet. I'm a little worried I'm dropping on the ball on this; is it weird to go on 4-5 dates and not have kissed?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

There was a good discussion on this previously.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:18 AM on September 15, 2011

Speaking personally, if I've gone on 4-5 dates and haven't kissed, I'd assume that they're not actually dates. Other people might feel differently, of course.
posted by Jairus at 10:24 AM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

I internet-date a lot, and I'm a firm believer that exclusivity doesn't exist until it's been discussed explicitly. I think it's good to clarify whether or not you're exclusive before you sleep together, but not necessary in all situations. If they have an expectation that you're not seeing anyone else, I think it's their responsibility to mention it.

As for the pace of your relationships, I (27 year old dude) would say 4-5 dates without a kiss is moving pretty slow. I might try for a kiss on a first date if it went awesome, but definitely on the second date. If she's choosing to go on dates with you she obviously likes you; why not kiss her? I think a lot of women want the responsibility of making the first move to fall on the guy. Tell your roommates to get lost for an evening and invite her over to watch a movie, or have a picnic with a bottle of wine. Hell, in my opinion a kiss goodbye at a subway station is pretty romantic too. I guarantee she's asking her friends right now why this great guy isn't trying to kiss her.
posted by auto-correct at 10:26 AM on September 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

After 4 or 5 dates i'd assume the guy just liked me as a friend. You don't need to do an end-of-the-night kiss. That's sort of the most awkward and high-school feeling. If you like this girl, and want to kiss her, just do whatever you've done in the past with people you didn't meet online. In the end, okcupid is just an introduction tool - after that, dating is dating.
posted by Kololo at 10:34 AM on September 15, 2011

Maybe I've had unique experiences with online dating, but I think most people will assume that you're seeing other people until you sleep together. After that they assume that you aren't even if there hasn't been any discussion about it. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on their part.

It's probably good to bring this up directly, though that can be a really awkward conversation.
posted by The Lamplighter at 10:44 AM on September 15, 2011

As the guy, am I supposed to take the lead on this? It feels weird to, like, make a move outside a restaurant or subway station before we go our separate ways.

Yeah, as the guy you are usually expected to take the lead on this. There's room for debate but if you've gone four dates without a kiss, she is waiting for you to do it. So do it!

I never thought I would say this in a dating thread but take a tip from Woody Allen. Obviously that's a movie and stylized and blah blah blah, but the lesson here is that you power through the weirdness and just make it quick and fun (i.e. don't shove your tongue down her throat on the first one.) It's a goodnight kiss, not a marriage proposal.

It's a little early to invite her back to your apartment -- the "in order to have sex" is practically implied at the end of that invitation -- so you have nowhere else to do it but, well, somewhere neutral. Outside the train station is perfect for a quick smooch.
posted by griphus at 10:46 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

These kinds of questions have been discussed many times before on AskMe.

As the guy, am I supposed to take the lead on this?

It's up to the two of you to do things the way you want to do things. Since we don't know what her expectations or desires are, we can't really say. Either of you is allowed to do whatever you want (as long as it's consensual, of course). Sorry, but there's no exact procedure that can be spelled out on the internet. How could there be, when different people have different preferences about pacing?

However, I think most people would agree that by the third date, it's generally expected that there's likely to be some kissing going on. If you've already vetted each other online and then twice in person, and then decided you still want a third date, you presumably have enough of a mutual like for each other that either one of you can go for the kiss. If three dates have gone by and there's been no physical contact other than a polite hug, either person might be wondering if things are going anywhere. By that point, the longer either of you keeps going without advancing things, the higher the chances are that things are never going to advance (since either one of you might suddenly lose interest). That is a fact of life, and it applies to women and men. You don't even need to decide whether to accept or reject the general premise of "Men should take the lead"; all you need to do is decide whether you, as a human being in your specific situation, want to take the lead at any given moment.

Is there an expectation that if we sleep together that I'm not going to sleep with anyone else?

Yes, that would be the default expectation unless you've specifically discussed that it's OK to be seeing multiple people. If your relationship with someone is advanced and intimate enough that you're having sex, there should be no problem with having an explicit conversation about this. My feeling is: if two people aren't ready to talk frankly about having sex, they're not ready to have sex.

I have roommates who will be around who haven't met them yet.

So what? Is there something stopping you from making the introductions? Are you afraid of your own roommates? If she does end up becoming your girlfriend she'll presumably meet them eventually, so why not now?
posted by John Cohen at 10:56 AM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

First of all, there's nothing wrong with dating multiple people from online at once as long as you aren't getting too intimate with them. Most people who date thru dating sites expect to not be exclusive. If you don't feel comfortable with it, that's fine, but you should realize the girls probably think that you're dating other people.
Also, 5 dates and you haven't kissed her? 3rd date, max. She's probably wondering if you're actually dating or if you think you're just activity partners.
Also they may be dating other guys. The time to have the exclusivity talk is when you want to be exclusive. Definitely before you have sex - but having sex doesn't imply exclusivity. I learned that the hard way. It's better to have the awkward talk and make sure you're both on the same page.
posted by DoubleLune at 11:25 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've never been on a date via online dating website, but I'm not sure why it matters in the context of this question that you met these women online.

If you like either of them and want to be more physical, just try to kiss them at the end of your next date. It's going to be awkward. Stop overthinking it.

If you haven't had a conversation about exclusivity then it is okay to still be seeing other people. There might be an expectation of exclusivity if you sleep together, but unless you communicate about it you won't know. If it doesn't come up before you have sex (I assume you meant sex by "sleep together") then I suggest asking her if she has that expectation afterwards. If she does, then you can decide to stop having sex with her if you are not ready to make that commitment. You can also just not mention it and continue having sex with her and seeing other people, but there is a chance that she expects exclusivity in that case but doesn't communicate it, which may end up with someone getting hurt because their expectations were not met. I highly recommend communicating more than less.

Sleeping together/having sex is something that happens if it happens. It's only a commitment step if you want it to be and agree that it is.

What you are thinking is probably fairly similar to what many other people think. You are normal. Just talk about it and you won't have to think because you will know.

A normal pace in my experience is to be trying to kiss her within the first three "official" dates. The guy is stereotypically supposed to take the lead on this. Everyone's relationship is dynamic, but if she is like most women she is expecting you to make the first move.

You're supposed to invite them back to your apartment if that's what you want to do. If you don't want them to see your apartment or meet your roommates, you will have a harder time moving forward with a physical relationship unless you can get her to invite you to her place.
posted by doomtop at 11:31 AM on September 15, 2011

If we haven't had a conversation about exclusivity is it okay to still be seeing other people?

Yes. It is okay to be seeing other people right up until the point where you've agreed to be exclusive. That said, you should have that conversation before you sleep with them. There's nothing wrong with sleeping with multiple people but everyone involved needs to know that's what's happening. Yes, that may be an awkward conversation. Doesn't matter. You should have it.

I'm a little worried I'm dropping on the ball on this; is it weird to go on 4-5 dates and not have kissed?

Yes for some people, no for others. They may be wondering what's taking you so long. Just kiss them. As you're parting, look about yourself a little bashfully and ask something suitably rom-com, like "Would it be crazy if I really wanted to kiss you?" The rest usually sorts itself out at that point.

But a caveat: These are what I consider to be sane guidelines for ethical human interaction. There is no guarantee that the other people involved feel the same way, or conduct themselves along similar lines. I know it's hard to start the conversation but for any answers beyond the real of speculation you're really going to need to ask them.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:36 AM on September 15, 2011

I kind of disagree about making yourself kiss them after the next day even if it's awkward. That's a great way to make sure you never hear from the girl again. Do you actually want to kiss any of these girls? If not, then either make it clear that you're only hanging out with them as friends. If yes, then your behavior during the dates and your dates should be flirty, fun, touchy-feely, high-fivey, elbow-bumpy, silly and playful, so then when it came to kiss someone it wouldn't be awkward because you'll be used to at least casual contact before you try to just come forward and kiss someone.

The best way to invite someone over to your apartment without being creepy is to think of a movie you both want to watch and rent it/download it.. or offer to cook her dinner at your place and get some wine. If you're just going out to boring dinner for dates and then you want to ask her up to your place, it'll be awkward because you'll feel like a tool for asking, she'll wonder what that means and might not want to come up because she might assume that you might assume that you expect her to sleep with you, and if she comes up, you'll both go inside and be super self conscious about where to sit, etc. If you're at your place for a pre-planned activity where you're like, "come on in, sit down while I load the movie" or "alright lets start making some fancy pad thai, the kitchen's this way" then the awkwardness goes away, somewhat.

Oh, as far as exclusivity... I think the most important thing is HONESTY. You don't have to tell the girl that you're seeing someone else, but if she asks, don't lie. If you want to be exclusive with one girl, then talk to her about it, ask her if she's on the same page. If you don't want to be exclusive with any of them, then I think it's OK to keep seeing multiple girls, as long as you're honest if they ask, and as long as if you're going to get naked with them to any extent, they are not under the impression that you're only seeing them. Good luck!
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 12:06 PM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm in a similar situation. First date but I like the guy. Also seeing somebody I've known socially for a long time who seems very interested. Other people have asked me out. I'm confused. I'm not the type to see multiple people, but maybe that's caused me to settle too soon for the wrong guys... I'm just feeling it out and being as honest as I can.
posted by Raichle at 12:33 PM on September 15, 2011

I'm in a similar online dating situation. I expect that whoever I'm seeing is seeing other people until we have the exclusivity talk. I personally won't sleep with someone I'm not exclusive with, but that's just me.
posted by thatgirld at 1:42 PM on September 15, 2011

As you can see from these answers, different people have different expectations. The people to ask are the people you're dating. Personally, I only date one person at a time, and I want the same from the person I'm dating. But you don't know until you ask. Since you're on OK Cupid, though, you can just state your expectations in your profile. Most women will probably appreciate your honesty.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:05 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

I met my wife via online dating. As for whether or not it's ok to be dating more then one person at a time? For me, I usually decided if I was going to give the relationship a "shot" after about 3 or 4 dates. At that point, I would not initiate or accept dates with someone else if I felt the current person was someone I could see myself being with long term. And if I didn't see it going anywhere I'd probably end it after 5 dates. And I would not sleep with two people at the same time. That's asking for trouble both emotionally and for health reasons. Of course, in today's world it seems like everyone does the casual sex thing. But it was never for me. That being said, I don't think there's a need to have the commitment talk until at least a few months. You might be confused as to what I'm saying...let me clarify...I make a personal decision to date one person at a time, minus the first few dates. But I make that decision for myself. I would never ask if we're in a "committed" relationship for at least a few months. It puts pressure on the other person. If they bring it up I gladly agree, but I never brought it up myself in the beginning. I'm not good at doing more then one thing at a time. And that went for dating as well. But I never expected my partner to decide on being committed until at least a couple of months. After maybe 3 months then I think it's fine to casually bring it up. At that point if you want a monogamous relationship and they don't, you might have to go your separate ways. As for your bonus question....yes 4 or 5 dates is a lot for having not kissed. As the guy, it's your job to make the move on that. It can come an any time, during the date...at the end of the date...you have to feel the moment. Even though it can be thought of as cliche to do it at the end of the date, it's still widely accepted and I think the most opportune time to go for the first kiss.
posted by ljs30 at 2:16 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yes, make a move and kiss her outside of the restaurant or subway. YMMV but 4-5 dates is a lot for that not to happen.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:34 PM on September 15, 2011