Is this just a bad phase in the marriage, or a sign of more to come? Many details inside, but basically, no sex, no intimacy, a lot of distance, and counseling isn't an option - and I don't really know where to go from here, or if I just have unrealistic expectations.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (49 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
A lot going on here... Details: We will have been married for two years in October. The relationship was very intense, and we were together for about a year and a half before we got married. I say "was" intense, because it's decidedly not so much now. I understand that a part of this is normal, but I'm thinking the rest isn't:
She started having some pain issues during sex before we were married - We went from the rate of once-twice a day to maybe weekly after the pain issues seemed to go away... The last time we really had great sex was our honeymoon. It tapered of drastically from there, and went from us having sex to her letting me have sex with her, if that makes sense... I haven't seen a shred of desire since then. And now, it's actually been about a year since we have slept together. If I touch her at all in anyway remotely sexual, she locks up, and she will not touch me at all. Now, we had an extremely healthy sexual relationship before, and were very experimental... But as time went on, the variety went down. She actually threw me off a couple of times for doing things that would have been beyond acceptable before. And this continued for some time. But it's not just sex - Now, she dodges even a kiss. There's just about no physical contact, except she always wants to snuggle at night (which IS nice) - but thats where it ends. If I try anything REMOTELY beyond snuggling, I'm rejected fairly harshly... This has done a thing or two to my confidence.
Every time I bring it up, she claims that she's too fat (which is ABSURD. She is not REMOTELY fat. I mean, really, nothing) and that I shouldn't take it personally. I'm talking size 4 here, and fairly cut as she has been going to a trainer for a while now.
Here's the thing - Along with the no sex, I feel like she's treating me completely different these days.... It started out as mutual respect, devotion, and desire - I feel like I am the only one who has any of these things any more. At some point, she started talking to me as if I was basically a child, and assumes failure with everything I will do. Note that I do all of the finance, remodeling, and really everything except for meal planning (I still cook, I just can't plan worth anything) -- and I do a lot of this for her mother in law as well. But any error that I have ever made is NEVER forgotten, and is used to judge future related tasks. I feel that I have become a collection of failed tasks in her mind. But I also don't have the feeling that I am important to her anymore - which she has assured me is ridiculous. She tells me that I am a great husband, and I've done nothing wrong.
The bottom line is that at some point, I went from being seen as a lover and husband to what feels as if I'm more of an irritating kid brother. There's no intimacy. I feel that she doesn't respect or desire me, and I feel like about the least important thing to her.
The few times we have tried to talk about this, it doesn't go well, because I have a hard time keeping emotionally level. I am absolutely consumed with this - It's taking up most of my brain, it seems. And I am consumed with unfulfilled desire -- I'm constantly having dreams and fantasies about her. It's actually painful in a way I can't describe when I acknowledge everything, as opposed to trying to keep it in the periphery of my mind.
I already know that she thinks that therapy is a waste of time. Where do we go from here? I'm really getting resentful and angry about this, which I don't like, as I'm trying to be patient and supportive. I don't feel comfortable talking to any friends or family about this, either... And also, while I am devoted to her, I am still keeping my own wants and needs outside of our relationship in check -- I'm still very much my own person.
I feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and powerless when I think about this... I've debated going to counseling on my own, but I'm worried that without her being involved, it will not give an accurate portrayal. But I feel that something needs to happen - I just don't know what.