the least wonderful time of the year
September 8, 2010 9:53 AM   Subscribe

How to manage anxiety about family visits?

I don't like my immediate family. There was a lot of family trauma in my childhood, but beyond that, I simply don't feel connected to them. I never miss them when we're apart, which is most of the time. Honestly, the only reason I ever see them is because they would be devastated otherwise. So I suck it up a few times a year. The end of the year is the worst because both my brother and I have birthdays in October, and then there are the holidays. My brother and I live near each other in the DC area; my mom and sister live about 4 hours away in North Carolina. I'm the oldest, with my brother being 4 years younger and my sister being 11 years younger than me (I'm 28 going on 29). I'm mostly estranged from my father, who is divorced from my mother and is NOT relevant to this question.

So my mom is coming for a visit in October, and then we're all supposed to spend Thanksgiving together down in NC. (Luckily, I've managed to establish a recent tradition of spending Christmas in my own way -- with my significant other or with friends -- and my mother no longer calls me weeping when I do this.) Doesn't sound so bad, right? The problem is that it causes me awful, crippling anxiety, the main reasons for which are:

- My mom and brother are judgmental, which is not helped by the fact that I've struggled a lot in my adult life and my brother has not. I've struggled with depression, didn't finish school, and had an ill-advised marriage (I'm now divorced). My brother graduated with honors, makes more money than I do, and is engaged to a woman my mother adores. I actually consider myself to be doing well now -- good job I've had for the past few years, fulfilling relationship, etc. -- although I still struggle. To my family I might as well be mentally unsound, though. My mother, for example, believes I'm incapable of choosing a good relationship for myself and has gone as far as to try to set me up with other guys even though I'm in a relationship. She is constantly trying to get me to move to NC where she can help me and watch over me and ensure I live the life she'd like me to have. And my brother -- let's just say that his stance on people struggling with mental health is that they should just get over it because "there are people who have survived watching their families killed in front of them." We also got into a huge fight a few months back because he didn't feel I had gotten my mother a nice enough Mother's Day gift (which is none of his business).

- My mother is also very negative. Growing up, she wouldn't let me go on trips because I might have an accident and die, wouldn't let me date because the boy would probably rape me, etc. Always the worst case scenario. I live with and fight against the effects of this attitude every day. After a visit with her and her negativity though, it takes me weeks to mentally rebalance.

- I often feel like I have no control when I'm with my family. For the October visit, I've arranged to borrow a car from a friend so that I can see them for a short while on my own terms, and that helps a lot. But when I visit for Thanksgiving, I ride with my brother and his fiance. I get intensely anxious and panicky feelings before, during, and sometimes even after an extended holiday visit like this. A couple months ago I forced myself to go visit for my little sister's graduation, and things got unpleasant at times, and during those times it felt almost unbearable to be there because I felt so fucking TRAPPED with these people that I don't like, or respect, or trust, but feel so very beholden to.

- This is a more recent one, but they don't approve of my interracial relationship, and my boyfriend will be with me at the October visit. And what burns me up even more is that my mom is fine with my brother's interracial relationship because his fiance is white and comes from a wealthy family (our family is Indian). But I guess in her eyes, a hardworking black man from a poor background who has managed to do better for himself could never be good enough for me.

So my question is, what can I do to manage my anxiety? I'm already feeling very tense about both visits. One thing I know will NOT work is asking my mom to modify her behavior even slightly. Her response to that sort of thing has always been, "I'm your mother, and nobody else loves you enough to tell you these ugly truths." A few years ago, I even cut off contact with her for a while in an attempt to convey my seriousness about the way she makes me feel. She's a little better now, but not much -- and during the time we weren't in contact, I felt constantly guilty and had to deal with things like her calling the front desk at my workplace begging to speak with me.

Has medication helped any Mefites in a similar situation? Or certain spiritual practices or cognitive exercises? I've been in talk therapy before, but it only took me so far. Part of the problem is that I have so little desire to interact with my family. I just want to be able to fulfill my obligation to them with as little tension as possible.
posted by spinto to Human Relations (17 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: It is likely that a tranquilizer would help you to feel less anxiety, however, that is not the ideal solution, which is for you to simply stop visiting the relatives who cause you so much anxiety. You mention that the only reason you continue to see is because they would be devastated if you didn't. So you wind up being the person who needs to take a tranquilizer. How about this: let them be devastated, and then they can be the ones to take a tranquilizer to make themselves feel better. You did not cause this problem. Had they been a better family for you, there would be no anxiety connected to family visits; you would be happy to visit them. If they are so critical of you, then they have told you in effect that you are not good enough for them, and if that is the case, there is no reason why they should even want to see you. I can tell you that my own parents (currently in their 80's) have been very critical of me all of my life, and I stopped visiting them about 20 years ago. I doubt that we will ever see each other again, and I am perfectly happy about that. I do not have to go out of my way to spend time with people who think badly of me.
posted by grizzled at 10:04 AM on September 8, 2010 [9 favorites]


You're on the right path by limiting contact, taking your own car when possible, and otherwise establishing boundaries. While medication can help, having escape valves (friends to visit, other places you and your partner need to go, a hotel room to stay in) is the key to managing the anxiety. You are your own person now, but they have a hard time seeing that - all you can do is live that life you've created and try to have as much of the contact be on your own terms as possible.
posted by ldthomps at 10:06 AM on September 8, 2010


Best answer: Set firm boudnaries re: what you'll be doing and for how long. For example, if you will all go en masse to the theater on Saturday morning, then don't let mom or anyone else hedge into your Saturday afternoon. I've had some similar issues, too, re: feeling obligated. I think culture makes one feel more or less obligated but you're really only as obligated as you feel. Your life is not Like Water for Chocolate. I feel hung up being obligated to my family as well, especially in terms of The Future and Taking Care of People As They Age, but like one of my edgier friends says, "they have nursing homes and medicare for a reason." Snark or not, you need to lay out for your self how involved you want to be. Pulling away can hurt initially, but once you pull the band-aid off and the guilt fades, you'll feel 50# lighter.
posted by ShadePlant at 10:09 AM on September 8, 2010


Best answer: Get a rental car and a hotel room. Seriously. It doesn't matter if this will be hard for you financially: which is more important, doing some cutbacks for a little while, or avoiding a week of crippling anxiety that could lead to longer-term effects? If you want to leave somewhere, LEAVE.
posted by brainmouse at 10:12 AM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


3rd party. SO is actually an asset, not a liability, despite how they feel about him, but I gather he's not available for the Thanksgiving date? If you grew up there, perhaps you can get an old friend to drop by/finagle an invite to their house for part of the day? After all, you're only around once in a while, so you need to make the most of proximity, right?

But in terms of the anxiety: It's horrible, I know. I'm sorry; I really am. If it helps, think of the Thanksgiving the way you do dental visits/medical ordeal of your choice: You go, it's done. You're able to breathe easy for a year. Enjoy your Christmas victory.
posted by Ys at 10:33 AM on September 8, 2010


If you stay with your family, rent a car. The expense is worth the peace of mind.

Going home and staying in the bed from childhood and relying on your mother for transportation (either driving you around or lending her car) is just BEGGING to fall back into old habits and reactionary behaviors. I learned this from experience -- when I go visit now, I have a vehicle, and much of that regression has stopped.

Also, you say you can't ask your mother to change her behavior. No -- you TELL her. If there are certain things you no longer want to discuss with her, TELL her. "Mom, I don't want to discuss my love life. I'm happy with it, and that's enough. If you continue, I will leave (the room, the house, whatever)." If she doesn't stop, follow through. You might only have to do this once, you might have to do it a couple of times. But if you're consistent, it'll work.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:33 AM on September 8, 2010


Don't ride down there with your brother.

Why not see how the October visit goes, and if it goes equally bad I give you permission to skip Thanksgiving this year. Respecting your family does not mean enabling them to make you a nervous wreck.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:48 AM on September 8, 2010


Best answer: I feel for you. Visiting my family makes me incredibly anxious also. I go home once a year for a single weekend. I always tell them that's all the vacation time I can spare.

When my brother lived out of state he didn't come home for four years, always claiming he and his wife couldn't get away from work.

Get a rental car and a hotel room. Seriously. It doesn't matter if this will be hard for you financially: which is more important, doing some cutbacks for a little while, or avoiding a week of crippling anxiety that could lead to longer-term effects? If you want to leave somewhere, LEAVE.

This, absolutely. If I couldn't drive my own car to visit my family, I wouldn't go. Tough shit if your brother thinks it's ridiculous to take two cars. Make up a reason why you have to arrive late to the gathering or leave early, or that you want to visit a friend while you're in the area, or something.

Tell your family as little as possible about your personal life, and nothing negative. Your job is going great and you're really happy there. Your relationship is great and you've never been happier. Depression? Oh, that was a long time ago, you're fine now. Don't be apologetic or defensive about your life... that's just giving them a toehold to criticize. Their criticism can't get any traction if you just deflect it by pleasantly stating that you are happy and content.

Refuse to talk about fighty topics (like the Mother's Day gift, or comments about your SO.) "That's none of your business." "I have no intention of discussing this with you, and if you bring it up again I'm leaving/hanging up."

If you disregarded the advice to take your own car and you feel trapped, you can always get a headache or "feel queasy" and go lie down in your room for awhile (take a good book.)

And yeah, anti-anxiety medication would probably be a good idea.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:51 AM on September 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I agree with the advice to get a car and hotel. But just in case that isn't enough...

I want you to know it is OK for you to skip the holidays this year.

In fact, if these people make you feel bad, don't see them. Therapy for the irrational guilt.

-----------------

This is none of my business. Yet, I can't believe you're mother calls your JOB and brings family drama into your career? THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS. Not. Normal.

On a practical note, you might consider getting a Google Voice number and changing your cell and landline? Only give your family the Google Voice number. It records messages and translates them. This way, you don't even have to hear their voices on messages if you don't feel like it. The service is free.

-----------------


In short, give yourself permission to have the space, time, and safety to heal.
posted by jbenben at 10:57 AM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Yes, drive a car of your own, and stay in a motel. If you do get a ride with your brother at Thanksgiving, immediately get dropped off at a car rental place in NC so you have your own car around town.

As long as the family is playing nice and enjoying each other at your mom's house, you can stay. Once criticism starts to come your way, or someone starts an arguement, suddenly you've got to go take a nap at your motel/run to the market/finish some stuff for work.

Having a car and a hotel room is the only way I can do visits anymore, even with the saner family members. I've just got to have a retreat. It sure helps me get through the chaos of the day, knowing that I can take off after the dinner dishes are done and the rest of the evening is my own.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:24 AM on September 8, 2010


Well, one option is to just sever contact with them permanently. It's drastic but it might be worth it. What do you get out of maintaining contact with your family? If you rely on them as emergency life-support in time of dire need, you have to suck it up and deal with them occasionally (see good suggestions upthread). If you really truly get nothing but grief from them, cut them off for keeps.
posted by Quietgal at 1:36 PM on September 8, 2010


Don't see them.

You state at the beginning of your question that you don't like your immediate family. They've been the source of so much pain and anxiety in your life, they refuse to change or accommodate you, and each visit with them is not only dreaded, but serves to rekindle and strengthen your mental afflictions. Why on Earth would you keep this up?

Yes, one's family ought to provide one with strength and happiness, but they don't. You are not going to change them. Body snatchers are not going to replace them with kinder, nicer folks. You are laboring over this question of whether to see them or not out of your own innate goodness. Herein lies the real struggle. You are a decent person, it seems, and you want to do the right thing.

The problem is, life isn't fair. You don't get to choose your family. They won't change. You will not benefit from this current state of affairs.

My suggestion is to 1) stop seeing them and 2) let them know in clear, uncertain language what you expect from them in order for contact to be re-established.

You didn't deserve this, and it will be painful. Good luck to you.
posted by teedee2000 at 1:48 PM on September 8, 2010


Best answer: I... had to deal with things like her calling the front desk at my workplace begging to speak with me.

It could be worse. Mine showed up at my workplace to purge me of satanic possession. (Which didn't work, because it wasn't Satan possessing me; it was sanity.)

You've gotten good advice here, I think. Having your own car and a motel are huge in terms of enabling you to exert the control that you now feel is absent. Just knowing that your car is sitting in the driveway, and that you and your bf will be spending the night away from family, will help reduce your anxiety.

Naturally, you should expect push back. "Why waste gas?" "But I made up the guest bed!" In my experience (with Fundamentalist craziness), it's better not to explain. That just fuels a counter-argument. "This works better for me. Shall we meet for breakfast?" is not only a perfectly valid response, it serves gentle notice that things are changing.

Which brings me to this: it sounds like you are all caught up in trying to be what your family thinks you should be. Somewhere in my thirties it hit me that it is not my job to live up to the expectations of others. Family especially, because, believing that they know you, they are more prone than others to try stuffing you back into a mold that no longer fits.

I am not your doctor, but if you want some meds, ask your doctor for 1.0 or 0.5 mg Ativan (generic name: lorazepam). But remember that, while it's nice to know that you have it if you need it, it's habit-forming, so use sparingly. (I don't suffer from anxiety, but my doc is happy to prescribe this for long distance air travel: even when I'm not sleeping, I sit there thinking, "I'm so comfortable, I don't want to move a muscle.)

A final thought: you are the only one who can get you out of the rut you're in with your family. If you don't change things, the status quo will prevail.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 4:22 PM on September 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Therapy... until you can debug the glitch for filtering toxic human behavior. Why?
    After a visit with her and her negativity though, it takes me weeks to mentally rebalance. I get intensely anxious and panicky feelings before, during, and sometimes even after an extended holiday visit like this... it felt almost unbearable to be there because I felt so fucking TRAPPED with these people that I don't like, or respect, or trust, but feel so very beholden to.
Because this is your body telling you that exposure to these people is HARMFUL to your [mental] health. The tremours and anxiety are like the side effects of stepping into a poisonous gas cloud over and over again. Same symptoms, severity varying with exposure. Distance, heal. Repeat.

Realize that even if you want to be a good daughter for your family, you are not getting what you need in order to accomplish this. And before you can start to figure out what it is you need to move forward, you also need to accept that family is not a license for abuse. It is NOT OKAY to be abusive to someone because they are family. Period.
    I often feel like I have no control when I'm with my family.
From over here it sounds like you don't. You don't have any control over whether your mother chooses to recognize the thoughtfulness behind the Mother's Day gift. You don't have any control over whether your brother chooses to support you in this thoughtfulness, or critique it. You are absolutely right: you have NO control over these people or how they behave when you're around them.

That means their behavior is a reflection on them. That means when you stand up for your needs (ex. I'm staying home for X holiday this year), and they choose to act outraged, their reaction is NOT your fault, because if YOU can control yourself, just like most of the people on this planet most of the time, then they can too.
    My mom and brother are judgmental, which is not helped by the fact that I've struggled a lot in my adult life and my brother has not.
Fact: your life experience compared to most people sounds rather normal.

Your brother's life experience compared to most people sounds rather abnormal. Most people don't coast into adulthood. It's a shame your family cannot recognize that all people struggle in life. It's also a shame they choose to focus on your struggles in particular and nothing else.

The interracial relationship is a red herring. Your family will not approve of any man you choose because they've already decided that your choices are flawed. No matter what it is. Deep down, you know even if your partner was loaded and white, there would be something else... His manners aren't right. His degree isn't ambitious enough. He doesn't understand our family. He wore mismatched socks at dinner. The flaws may become more exaggerated over time, so long as they support the faulty logic: spinto and spinto's choices are flawed + spinto's choice in partner = spinto's partner is flawed

Consider the possibility that medication will only treat the symptoms of the cause(s)... it will not negate the steady stream of negative messages you receive from your family about your competence and personal worth. It will likely reduce the aftermath effects, but it will not protect or shield you from toxic human behavior.
    I just want to be able to fulfill my obligation to them with as little tension as possible.
This is possible, and although you've made substantial progress from where you started, you could still go much further. Your intense depressive anxiety is a signal that your me-family balance is still going through some growing pains. In light of the lack of emotional investment your family is giving you, please consider spending some time/energy investing emotionally in yourself. It is possible to find a therapist who will work specifically on the goal of developing strategies for this tremendous task with you.

FWIW, I'm from a part-Indian family. My sister and I can tell you it IS possible to move out from under that dark cloud that seems blackest near home. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
posted by human ecologist at 11:28 PM on September 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Best answer: People have given a lot of good advice about setting boundaries. Physical boundaries are great, and the suggestions about taking your own car and seeing if you can stay someplace else can really help. However it is possible to reach a state of mind where you can be in the same room as someone else and have your own boundaries. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt
posted by DTHEASH1 at 2:01 AM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]


Just want to say A-MEN! to Human Ecologist. That is a person posessed of the truth. Read that comment, print it out, and stick it to your fridge, because it is as true and precise as anything I have EVER heard. In fact, I'm printing it out now for me.
posted by Ys at 7:43 AM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thank you so much for all your responses. I was stuck in a loop trying to figure out how to cope with the status quo, and you guys reminded me that I have the power to change at least my own part in it, even if I can't change my family.
posted by spinto at 6:50 AM on September 10, 2010


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