Everyone's a Critic
September 8, 2010 5:43 AM   Subscribe

How do I learn to handle criticism better?

I work in a pretty collaborative field that requires evaluation at almost every step of the way. But when people are critical in their evaluations of my work - even when it's totally constructive - it makes me discouraged in a way that I know is not commensurate with the criticism I'm receiving. Intellectually, I know that this is just part of the job and I shouldn't let it bother me so much, but emotionally, I feel like I just have no control, and my impulse is simply to give up when I'm harshly criticized. Since the criticism I get at work is meant to improve my work rather than discourage me, does anyone out there have any guidance as to how I can take the criticism I get in my work as it's intended?
posted by orville sash to Work & Money (15 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
 
Essentially, the work comes first. Accurate criticism is an opportunity for you to make your work better, hence you should be happy to receive it. I have edited a variety of writers, and the really good ones always welcome an opportunity to improve their writing. Only the complete amateurs take offense at the suggestion that their writing could benefit from some changes.

What is the downside of being criticised? People who criticise you may be less impressed with you as a person, because your work is flawed. But work at a high level of creativity is not expected to be flawless. The more sophisticated your work is, the more opportunity there is for improvement. If you are doing something simple, such as, let us say, frying a hamburger patty at a fast food place, there is only one right way to do it and only one successful outcome, and it doesn't take a lot of skill to learn how to do it that way every time you do it. Whereas if you are creating something unique, such as a novel, there are endless choices to make, and many different factors which influence those choices, with no predetermined outcome. It takes thought and revision to make it work out. Even if you know all the best techniques.
posted by grizzled at 6:02 AM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Remind yourself that they wouldn't be bothering to criticize you this way if they didn't think you could do the job -- they're being harsh because they think you're up to the task, and have confidence in you that you'll be able to pull it off.

In a way, high-level criticism is a serious compliment. I'm a writer, and sometimes friends or acquaintances ask me to review their work. When the writing is very good, my crit is detailed and unforgiving -- I know they have it in them to make their story great, and I know that "going easy" on them will ultimately hurt their work rather than help it. But when the writing is poor or mediocre, I'll usually pick one or two very easy things to fix, and won't even bother telling them about the fundamental structural problems with their narrative -- in those cases, being harsh will only discourage them, and I'd rather encourage the parts of their work that show promise rather tearing apart the parts that aren't.

Remember that they didn't give you this job out of pity. They gave it to you because they think you're up to it. And they're criticizing you because they respect you and your work enough to take it seriously.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:11 AM on September 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'm going to assume this happens to you not just at work but also at home and in your personal life. If so, read the following, if not, disregard.

Not to get to go too deep here but there is an underlying issue. History of some abuse, childhood trauma, neglect from parents can all play a big role in how we see ourselves as adults. I'm not saying that's the root cause for you, but it's worth looking into. There is something going on inside that is filtering out your co-workers intent to help and so it just feels like a threat. We learn to to properly filter situations like these in childhood. So my suggestion (for whatever that's worth) is to kind of go back and think about your childhood and self worth/esteem. What happened that might have disrupted that?
posted by WhiteWhale at 6:13 AM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Separate who you are from what you do. Don't regard your work as an extension of yourself--that's egoism.

You are not your work. If you produce something that's not "perfect" it doesn't reflect on you personally.
posted by AuntieRuth at 6:13 AM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


It may sound weird, but I've found that meditation-- particularly the mindfulness-oriented type-- helps me quite a bit with issues like this. Sounds like your main difficulty is that you know the rational way to respond your situation (separate your work from your self, stop taking things so personally, use criticism as an opportunity for improvement, etc.), but your anxieties over your performance and reputation and self-worth are getting in the way of that rational response. Meditation (or prayer, if that's your bag) can help you rise above things a bit, and help calm all that nervous self-concern that's currently getting in your way.
posted by Bardolph at 6:18 AM on September 8, 2010


One thing that really helps is to THANK someone for giving you feedback. Seriously. Take a deep breath and say, "Thank you; this will help me really improve!" Even if you don't think you mean the words, if you get into this habit you can live into the feeling of it.

Another trick is to remind yourself of your GOAL. Usually you're producing something, and it is that thing which is criticized. Nobody is perfect. No draft is perfect. No work of art is perfect. You try something, and then you try again, and you try again. Someone coming from the outside with a different perspective can look at the THING you're creating and say, "this doesn't work." It's not a criticism on you, but rather a suggestion on improvement. Seen this way, they are collaborating with you on the best possible outcome. If your goal is to produce the best possible X, then criticism will help get you there. Eye on the prize!
posted by kryptonik at 6:32 AM on September 8, 2010


How do I learn to handle criticism better?

Post in MetaTalk more.

Just kidding. For the most part, I think that it just takes time. The ego is as sensitive as it is powerful, and it takes a long time of persistent undermining for it to toughen up and/or shrink down to a manageable size.

When I first started as a freelance writer I didn't mind criticism at all, because I was desperate to learn how to do everything right so I could do better next time. As the months wore on, the criticism proved to be both relentless and completely arbitrary -- there didn't seem to be any natural thread of continuity to the feedback I was getting, and that began to gnaw at my sanity. But then, it all boils down to: sometimes you're right, and sometimes you're wrong, but sometimes you have to sacrifice the idea of being right in order to get along. I learned to acquiesce to all manner of bizarre and ridiculous criticisms or suggestions, saving up goodwill so that when a time came when I KNEW I was right and could not bear to back down, I wouldn't be seen as a stubborn, whiny grouse. And it worked; there were a few incidents when I stood up for myself and my ideas, and in most of those cases I was able to turn the tide.

Recently I agreed to to promotional artwork for a play that a friend of mine was putting on. I submitted sketches of several concepts, one of them which I secretly thought was perfect and was really pulling for. Of course that's not the one they'll pick, I thought. And it wasn't. So I got to work on the one they did pick, listening very carefully to everything they said they wanted, and returned with an image that I was very proud of. They asked if I could do an alternate version of the image, so they could have two to choose from. I admit I deliberately half-assed the alternate, in hopes of skewing them in favor of the original. When I saw the final result I was shocked -- they'd literally cut pieces from both versions and pasted them together into a composite. It wasn't anything at all like I'd envisioned! But try as I might, I wasn't able to muster any outrage over any of it. In fact, it actually just felt good to know that someone had gotten exactly what they wanted. I even had to sort of smile when it occurred to me how much of my childish sensitivity and pretentiousness had been burned away from my creative process, how much baggage I was finally able to leave behind. I had done real work. And the compliments I've gotten on the finished result since then have been an important reminder to me that my vision, grateful as myself and others may be for it, is a very small thing -- and rightly so.
posted by hermitosis at 6:47 AM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Take a creative writing course or participate in a writers group. If that don't get you used to criticism nothing will.
posted by zzazazz at 7:25 AM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


How long have you been in this field or position? I find that when I start a new type of work, I react strongly to criticism -- it makes me question whether I deserve the job, whether I'll ever be able to succeed, and whether I have anything to offer. Once I've spent more time in the position, I have a whole range of data that suggests that I do deserve the job, I can succeed, and I do have something to offer....so even when I screw up one project or have a bad day, I can see the bigger picture.

Try gathering up as much data points on your competence as possible. Write down all the things you do well, all the specific instances in which you've been good at your job, all the times you've displayed qualities you value. Then write down examples of times you haven't done so well. Make sure the first list is at least as long as the second! If you can't think of enough examples, you're probably not thinking clearly.

Keep the lists updated. When you've gotten better at something, cross it off the second list and add it to the first one. When you're feeling really knocked off balance, review the lists, remind yourself that you're a complex person with lots of valuable skills...and, like all other humans, fallible.
posted by equipoise at 9:44 AM on September 8, 2010


I work in a creative field. While I consider myself an "artist" my job is more or less to give the client what they want. So essentially I'm a puppet. While that doesn't sound very cool, I get paid a lot of money to do what I do. I really have to no say in the final outcome of a particular project. I wish I did. And it hurts a lot when I feel that my work, isn't artistically good. But it's how the client wanted it done and usually they know what sells or doesn't sell. I can give the client different options and sometimes they go with the one I like best and sometimes they don't. I've done jobs were I've been verbally ripped to shreds by certain clients. I actually almost decided to get out of my line of work after one job where a client laced into me so harshly I almost cried. And I'm a strong dude, haha. But I felt so humiliated and so shot down. Here's what I've come to learn...you can't take it personally. At the end of the day, some people love my work, some people hate my work. But I'm paid to do a job. So I must do everything in my power to do that job, the way my client wants it to be done. You will of course run in to power hungry, self ego building, just plain old assholes who probably rip on everybody they work with. Know this and accept it. But be confident in yourself. Take note of the criticism you receive. Try to learn from it. Often times people are really trying to make you better. So take advantage of that. At the end of the day keep doing what you love...no matter what anybody says about your work.
posted by ljs30 at 12:06 PM on September 8, 2010


I read a quote once--and I haven't been able to find the source--but the (very paraphrased) gist of it is:

"If someone criticizes you, there are two possibilities. First, if the criticism is accurate, then take it to heart and use it to improve yourself, for a gentleman never refuses an opportunity to improve himself. If the criticism is unfounded or inaccurate, then you need not pay it--nor its source--any heed."

I think it's out of Heinlein, if this tickles anyone's memory.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 12:47 PM on September 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


I tell myself "this is my work, not my art"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:28 PM on September 8, 2010


As a writer, I used to take it REALLY personally when, say, my brilliant ad campaign would get destroyed by some marketing person or rejected.

Until one day I realized that, hey, I get paid to do X work for X hours a day. If I get paid by the hour, even better. More revisions? Fine. I have to sit here ___ hours a day doing SOMEthing.

Criticisms that don't end in job termination are essentially revisions of work you've completed or additional work duties for that project, depending on what you do.

Until you get fired from something, changes to your work or criticisms about your work processes allow you to adapt until you're excellent and can practically do the work in your sleep.

In other words, think of it as a form of job security; as your work improves, the criticism will diminish, meaning you're doing a better, faster, more efficient job based on implementing others' suggestions that once felt hurtful and personal. And there are days when you will go to work feeling like shit, tired, hungover or distracted and THAT is when you'll be glad you took those criticisms in stride, my friend.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 5:48 PM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Seconding the comment by Narrative Priorities. In a creative, collaborative environment that is structured on feedback, evaluation, and revision you should start worrying when very little of that comes your way, because it likely means you have been written off. Another little shift in perspective that has helped me in such environments: think of your response to evaluation and your incorporation of feedback itself as your real "work" at this particular job (which has the additional benefit of being true) and get really really good, artful, and sophisticated at that. Then no one will be criticizing your "work" at all, your relations with colleagues will improve, the project/product will get better and better and better, and everyone, including you, is happier!

(This is all assuming that you respect your critics and their criticisms, which I do assume because otherwise it probably wouldn't bother you so much, and/or you'd be asking a different question.)
posted by beanie at 8:12 PM on September 8, 2010


My view on this is that nobody can ever tell you what it is that they want - until you produce something (a draft document, a rough sketch, a concept) and THEN they can tell you more about what they did or didn't want.

So I try to think of my work as a starting point for a discussion, rather than a final product.

The challenge then is getting them to give feedback or criticism in a way that is constructive. I try to give people tasks - I want them to review the document for overall concept (not writing) OR I want them to review the writing, but not get too caught up in the ideas. I don't bother listening to people who say "I just don't like this bit very much"; if they can't be more articulate, then I can't do anything about it.
posted by AnnaRat at 4:03 AM on September 9, 2010


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