Is visiting a sex worker an inherently bad idea?
August 30, 2010 7:04 AM Subscribe
I am seriously considering visiting a sex worker. Is this an inherently bad idea?
To begin with, I understand that the sex trade is rife with people working in it against their will. I am conscientious enough to find an independent contractor that has chosen their profession, rather than been forced into it. The country I live in has pretty liberal laws regarding sex work, so finding such a person isn't very difficult. That said, I worry that I may be making this decision for the wrong reasons.
Some background:
More and more lately I feel as though I am starving for physical contact. I've been single for more than a year, and the only time I am touched, beyond the unavoidable brush-bys of city life, is the occasional, very platonic hug. This happens perhaps once or twice a month, and the fact that I'm keeping track of this particular factoid is upsetting. The situation is made still more frustrating because I am not isolated socially, so I *should* be able to remedy this on my own. I have friends, I go out, but I just can't seem to meet anyone. I've tried asking my closer acquaintances if I'm doing anything obviously wrong, or have some glaring but unnoticed hygiene problem, but they keep telling me that it isn't an issue. I'm using online dating sites to supplement all of this as well, no luck there, either.
I feel that the longer I live like this the more I begin to reek of desperation, which is obviously not an attractive quality, and further isolate myself from potential (free of charge)partners.
I guess I think that paying someone to spend 'quality time' might remove some block mentally. If I know I can get physical release outside of a relationship I might better be able to focus on finding the person I most admire, rather than one that will sleep with me, and seem less off-putting and desperate.
As a final note, I'll say that I am seeing a therapist for various issues(anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, etc.) but our discussion has not made much headway on this issue yet, and I'm afraid I may act before I have chance to completely hash this out.
Is acting on this impulse bad? If it is, what should I do instead?
I welcome any follow-up: M8R-rk2nni@mailinator.com
To begin with, I understand that the sex trade is rife with people working in it against their will. I am conscientious enough to find an independent contractor that has chosen their profession, rather than been forced into it. The country I live in has pretty liberal laws regarding sex work, so finding such a person isn't very difficult. That said, I worry that I may be making this decision for the wrong reasons.
Some background:
More and more lately I feel as though I am starving for physical contact. I've been single for more than a year, and the only time I am touched, beyond the unavoidable brush-bys of city life, is the occasional, very platonic hug. This happens perhaps once or twice a month, and the fact that I'm keeping track of this particular factoid is upsetting. The situation is made still more frustrating because I am not isolated socially, so I *should* be able to remedy this on my own. I have friends, I go out, but I just can't seem to meet anyone. I've tried asking my closer acquaintances if I'm doing anything obviously wrong, or have some glaring but unnoticed hygiene problem, but they keep telling me that it isn't an issue. I'm using online dating sites to supplement all of this as well, no luck there, either.
I feel that the longer I live like this the more I begin to reek of desperation, which is obviously not an attractive quality, and further isolate myself from potential (free of charge)partners.
I guess I think that paying someone to spend 'quality time' might remove some block mentally. If I know I can get physical release outside of a relationship I might better be able to focus on finding the person I most admire, rather than one that will sleep with me, and seem less off-putting and desperate.
As a final note, I'll say that I am seeing a therapist for various issues(anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, etc.) but our discussion has not made much headway on this issue yet, and I'm afraid I may act before I have chance to completely hash this out.
Is acting on this impulse bad? If it is, what should I do instead?
I welcome any follow-up: M8R-rk2nni@mailinator.com
I feel that the longer I live like this the more I begin to reek of desperation,
Seconding a couple massages first, to see if that helps. Also, cognitive behavioral therapy. And okcupid.com.
posted by zeek321 at 7:09 AM on August 30, 2010
Seconding a couple massages first, to see if that helps. Also, cognitive behavioral therapy. And okcupid.com.
posted by zeek321 at 7:09 AM on August 30, 2010
Also, reducing carbohydrates can take the edge off your sex drive and make you feel a little less insane. Lastly, sometimes watching porn helps, sometimes it makes it worse.
Oh, and here's an old question I asked that might be helpful:
http://ask.metafilter.com/103416/Sexual-without-sex
posted by zeek321 at 7:14 AM on August 30, 2010
Oh, and here's an old question I asked that might be helpful:
http://ask.metafilter.com/103416/Sexual-without-sex
posted by zeek321 at 7:14 AM on August 30, 2010
If you're considering seeing a sex worker in order to get over some sort of mental block, be aware of the possibility that doing so may potentially cause your problems to transform from "I can't get any physical attention from anyone" to "The only way I can get physical attention from anyone is to pay them," which, in terms of self-esteem, isn't that much of an improvement.
posted by KantGoOn at 7:15 AM on August 30, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by KantGoOn at 7:15 AM on August 30, 2010 [9 favorites]
One thing you may want to consider: someone may find out about this someday. Years later, you may be out with the boys and drunkenly be talking about past indiscretions. You reveal your one time outlined above. This news items filters back to the girl you are crazy about and picture your future with. She cannot get over your one indiscretion (for a variety of reasons: treating a woman in this way (regardless of whether or not the woman is choosing this as her profession - this is a moot point for some people viewing this kind of "transaction"), having unsafe sex (regardless of how safe you make it - she's still a sex worker), I could go on and on. Go to all ends of the earth to rectify your desire for human touch before going this route - it's the kind of thing that stays with you forever.
posted by meerkatty at 7:18 AM on August 30, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by meerkatty at 7:18 AM on August 30, 2010 [9 favorites]
It is not an inherently bad idea. Ensure that your chosen service is reputable, safe and that all terms are discussed politely beforehand. All usual 'caveat emptor' precautions apply, and many others.
posted by malusmoriendumest at 7:19 AM on August 30, 2010
posted by malusmoriendumest at 7:19 AM on August 30, 2010
Even if everything works out perfectly and you are delighted with your experience of buying sex, there is an additional risk, which is that you will wind up going back again and again - the desire for sex is relentless, one always wants more of it - and this could get very expensive. Even if only from a financial perspective, it is much better to have sex that you don't have to pay for, with someone who actually wants to have sex with you. On the other hand, if you are wealthy enough that the cost is never going to be a problem for you, and (as you mentioned) you exercise due care in choosing a sex worker, then I see no reason not to indulge yourself.
posted by grizzled at 7:23 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by grizzled at 7:23 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
First, you are not a bad person if you make a decision (with the ethical boundaries you have identified, plus the foreknowledge that this may be a dealbreaker for some potential partners you may meet in the future) to see a sex worker. For some people, in some situations, it really is the best option; I don't think any of us are in the position to know for certain.
That said, I do think you'd be smart to first try things like non-sexual massage to see if that can scratch the "need human contact" itch without having to deal with the baggage of seeing a sex worker. And as always when someone is feeling bad about themselves or their situation, therapy can be worth trying, too. Not so much to answer the "should I see a sex worker?" question, but to help find ways to deal with your overall situation and frustration, and move yourself towards a better place.
posted by Forktine at 7:23 AM on August 30, 2010
That said, I do think you'd be smart to first try things like non-sexual massage to see if that can scratch the "need human contact" itch without having to deal with the baggage of seeing a sex worker. And as always when someone is feeling bad about themselves or their situation, therapy can be worth trying, too. Not so much to answer the "should I see a sex worker?" question, but to help find ways to deal with your overall situation and frustration, and move yourself towards a better place.
posted by Forktine at 7:23 AM on August 30, 2010
A relevant thread from a few months ago:
http://ask.metafilter.com/153457/Curious-about-paid-sex
You might also do a search for "GFE" and look at the thread from the last search result under the "Comments" tab dated February 3, 2005.
posted by XMLicious at 7:26 AM on August 30, 2010
http://ask.metafilter.com/153457/Curious-about-paid-sex
You might also do a search for "GFE" and look at the thread from the last search result under the "Comments" tab dated February 3, 2005.
posted by XMLicious at 7:26 AM on August 30, 2010
What's the big deal? There are plenty of legitimate sex trader workers out there who control their own fate and regard this sort of thing as a job and are happy for your business. You can probably find them in the back pages of your local alternative weekly magazine. There is nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults. Just try to be sure that whomever you hire is not working with a pimp, and is not working on the street.
Still, there has to be some reason why you have not been able to make physical contact with anyone over the past year or so. Why don't you join some sort of social club. Take up ballroom dancing or something. Get out and meet people.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:27 AM on August 30, 2010
Still, there has to be some reason why you have not been able to make physical contact with anyone over the past year or so. Why don't you join some sort of social club. Take up ballroom dancing or something. Get out and meet people.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:27 AM on August 30, 2010
Years later, you may be out with the boys and drunkenly be talking about past indiscretions. You reveal your one time outlined above.
Guys do this all the time -- try drinking a few beers with older guys who were in the services or merchant marines, and be prepared to want to burn your ears afterward. And mostly it doesn't filter back to anyone, and if it does it mostly isn't a big deal. Seriously, except when people are talking in the abstract on the internet, people seem to do a pretty good job of letting others have their imperfect pasts.
It's still going to be a dealbreaker for some people, and you have to factor that in to the decision. But it's not going to be branded on your forehead where everyone can see it, and your future partner probably has a few skeletons in her closet, too. You don't tell her about the sex worker visit, and she won't tell you about making those video tapes with her ex.
posted by Forktine at 7:28 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Guys do this all the time -- try drinking a few beers with older guys who were in the services or merchant marines, and be prepared to want to burn your ears afterward. And mostly it doesn't filter back to anyone, and if it does it mostly isn't a big deal. Seriously, except when people are talking in the abstract on the internet, people seem to do a pretty good job of letting others have their imperfect pasts.
It's still going to be a dealbreaker for some people, and you have to factor that in to the decision. But it's not going to be branded on your forehead where everyone can see it, and your future partner probably has a few skeletons in her closet, too. You don't tell her about the sex worker visit, and she won't tell you about making those video tapes with her ex.
posted by Forktine at 7:28 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Somewhere out there, there's a woman alone on a couch, or out walking the streets, thinking the same thing.
I would rather you address the underlying problem here. Are you reasonably attractive? Believe me, if you were hanging out in a group of friends and you brush your arm by a woman and smile at her, she'll probably be thinking about your arms touching all night. Are you kind and gentle? Then why not seek a companion instead? Are you standards for women too high? Remember that personality and goodness go a long way in making a person attractive.
I'm also curious if you live in a largely male-dominated area, like perhaps a large city that skews toward men? Is this part of the problem?
posted by Dukat at 7:33 AM on August 30, 2010
I would rather you address the underlying problem here. Are you reasonably attractive? Believe me, if you were hanging out in a group of friends and you brush your arm by a woman and smile at her, she'll probably be thinking about your arms touching all night. Are you kind and gentle? Then why not seek a companion instead? Are you standards for women too high? Remember that personality and goodness go a long way in making a person attractive.
I'm also curious if you live in a largely male-dominated area, like perhaps a large city that skews toward men? Is this part of the problem?
posted by Dukat at 7:33 AM on August 30, 2010
It's not an inherently bad idea but it is for some people.
One of my straight male friends did this recently, and, not to stereotype, he definitely fits the mold of "not the type of guy people expect to need to do this sort of thing." (Good looking, talented singer guitar player, athletic, super sweet.) But he was out of a super bad relationship, emotionally holding a lot of baggage and not dealing with any of it, and really was thinking about things in ways very similar to you.
So he tried it. And despite it being physically a great time, he's too emotionally sensitive to not worry too much about his partner before, during, and after for him to be able to label it a "good time". He'd never do it again.
But despite it being something he'd never do again, doing it once didn't damage him completely. He just learned something about himself and what he was looking for in a relationship and that casual sex (of the paid or not paid variety) was no longer his thing. So I still think it was a good idea for him.
And as long as you go into it with a clear head and an open mind, it sounds like it might be the same for you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:37 AM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
One of my straight male friends did this recently, and, not to stereotype, he definitely fits the mold of "not the type of guy people expect to need to do this sort of thing." (Good looking, talented singer guitar player, athletic, super sweet.) But he was out of a super bad relationship, emotionally holding a lot of baggage and not dealing with any of it, and really was thinking about things in ways very similar to you.
So he tried it. And despite it being physically a great time, he's too emotionally sensitive to not worry too much about his partner before, during, and after for him to be able to label it a "good time". He'd never do it again.
But despite it being something he'd never do again, doing it once didn't damage him completely. He just learned something about himself and what he was looking for in a relationship and that casual sex (of the paid or not paid variety) was no longer his thing. So I still think it was a good idea for him.
And as long as you go into it with a clear head and an open mind, it sounds like it might be the same for you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:37 AM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am really sorry you're so lonely. I've been there. It sucks.
You are going to find it hard to get unbiased advice, because people have so much baggage about sex workers, and it's baggage that has no baring on you or your situation. I probably have my own baggage, but I'm going to try my best not to fall prey to it. If someone just posts a one-line response telling you to not see a sex worker, either ignore their post or ask them why not. Often, answers like that come from prudishness or politics. Prudishness isn't helpful at all. Politics may be, but my sense is that you don't want to explore that aspect in this thread.
My stance is this: there's absolutely nothing morally wrong with hiring a willing sex worker. It is a service like any other service. When people suggest you get a massage, my response is, "Okay, but why a massage and not sex? If someone told me he had a sore foot, I wouldn't tell him to get a neck rub." It's not even that I think the massage idea is a bad one. It might give you the human contact you want. But I'd like to hear the "get a massage" people articulate why that's different from getting sex without them gravitating towards prudery or politics.
That said, there ARE some dangers:
1) Sex with someone who doesn't care about you can backfire. You may wind up feeling more lonely after than before. So if you do go this route, choose wisely. Try to find someone with a genuinely warm personality (or at least someone who is such a good actress that you can't tell the difference).
2) This can be habit forming. Think about sex in a "normal" relationship. It's not like you get a girlfriend, have sex once, and that fulfills your needs for ever and ever. A few days later, you're likely to feel the same needs again. A great thing about a healthy relationship -- and I'm sorry to say this, because I know you don't have one in your life -- is that you get continual reinforcements (sexually and otherwise) that you are loved, are lovable and have worth.
So the danger is that one week after seeing the call girl, you'll want to see another one. It probably doesn't feel that way now. It probably feels like something you just need to get out of your system. But that's how sex works. Biology has rigged us so that we become like guided missiles, seeking an orgasm. We don't care about what comes after the orgasm until it IS after the orgasm. But guess what we wind up wanting afterwards? Another orgasm...
Unless you're rich, a call-girl habit could ruin you financially. But there's a worse problem. I think many guys see call-girls because it's easy. Same with strippers. It's so much easier to talk to them than "regular" girls. There's not all this tension and tiptoeing around sex, because everyone knows that sex is going to happen. There's something very liberating about that. But the problem is that once the call-girl experience is over, you're back in the real world with regular women, and you're back having to do the regular, complicated courtship dance. The more you have someone to cook for you, the harder it gets to cook your own dinner. And this can lead to a cycle, in which fear and lack of practice with non-call-girls makes you continually fail with them, which drives you back to call-girls, which makes you less practiced with real-world romance, which...
3) STDs. Be careful! I think there are ways to be reasonably safe, but still, BE CAREFUL.
4) Your own prudishness. Again, I don't think there's anything morally wrong with seeing a call-girl. But you're not me. Are you 100% a "free thinker" about this? Because you don't want to wake up the next day feeling like you're a bad person. It really doesn't matter if prostitution is right or wrong in some abstract sense. In most cultures, it's at least somewhat tainted. My guess is it won't be something you can easily discuss with friends. Which, again, doesn't mean that it's bad or that you're bad for doing it. But the important thing is how you will feel. You've grown up in a culture. Have you been affected by its values enough that you might feel like you've "sinned" if you did this? (I note you posted anonymously.)
5) You are linking sex with intimacy. There's nothing wrong with that. Most of us do it. Beware, though: there's a trap. MANY men have fallen in love with hookers and strippers. We can argue that it's not real love (whatever that is), but my point is that once sex and intimacy are linked in one's mind (as they are for most of us -- as it sounds like they are for you), all kinds of confusions can happen.
If you hire a call-girl, she is NEVER going to be your girlfriend. I know you know that intellectually. But you should do some good thinking about your past. Many lonely guys -- and I'm one of them -- easily develop romantic feelings for any girl who shows them even slight attention. Has that happened to you in the past? Did you "fall in love" with that girl who smiled at you in high school? That girl who talked to you in English class? That girl who was just being friendly? There's nothing wrong with that. It's natural. But if you're that kind of lonely, romantic guy, you're taking a big risk if you hire a hooker. No matter how much you tell yourself it's a business deal (and if you keep telling yourself that, will you even enjoy the experience?), your heart may beg to differ.
I would think long and hard about those five points. If you don't think they're problems, my advice is go for it. It sounds, to me, like a pragmatic solution -- not to all your problems but to some immediate frustration. Yes, we're built to want hugs and pats on the back. But we're also built to want sex. That is simply a reality, and a backrub is NOT sex. I can't speak for the people here who are advocating massages, but speaking for myself, when I've wanted sex, a backrub wouldn't have cut it.
posted by grumblebee at 7:51 AM on August 30, 2010 [26 favorites]
You are going to find it hard to get unbiased advice, because people have so much baggage about sex workers, and it's baggage that has no baring on you or your situation. I probably have my own baggage, but I'm going to try my best not to fall prey to it. If someone just posts a one-line response telling you to not see a sex worker, either ignore their post or ask them why not. Often, answers like that come from prudishness or politics. Prudishness isn't helpful at all. Politics may be, but my sense is that you don't want to explore that aspect in this thread.
My stance is this: there's absolutely nothing morally wrong with hiring a willing sex worker. It is a service like any other service. When people suggest you get a massage, my response is, "Okay, but why a massage and not sex? If someone told me he had a sore foot, I wouldn't tell him to get a neck rub." It's not even that I think the massage idea is a bad one. It might give you the human contact you want. But I'd like to hear the "get a massage" people articulate why that's different from getting sex without them gravitating towards prudery or politics.
That said, there ARE some dangers:
1) Sex with someone who doesn't care about you can backfire. You may wind up feeling more lonely after than before. So if you do go this route, choose wisely. Try to find someone with a genuinely warm personality (or at least someone who is such a good actress that you can't tell the difference).
2) This can be habit forming. Think about sex in a "normal" relationship. It's not like you get a girlfriend, have sex once, and that fulfills your needs for ever and ever. A few days later, you're likely to feel the same needs again. A great thing about a healthy relationship -- and I'm sorry to say this, because I know you don't have one in your life -- is that you get continual reinforcements (sexually and otherwise) that you are loved, are lovable and have worth.
So the danger is that one week after seeing the call girl, you'll want to see another one. It probably doesn't feel that way now. It probably feels like something you just need to get out of your system. But that's how sex works. Biology has rigged us so that we become like guided missiles, seeking an orgasm. We don't care about what comes after the orgasm until it IS after the orgasm. But guess what we wind up wanting afterwards? Another orgasm...
Unless you're rich, a call-girl habit could ruin you financially. But there's a worse problem. I think many guys see call-girls because it's easy. Same with strippers. It's so much easier to talk to them than "regular" girls. There's not all this tension and tiptoeing around sex, because everyone knows that sex is going to happen. There's something very liberating about that. But the problem is that once the call-girl experience is over, you're back in the real world with regular women, and you're back having to do the regular, complicated courtship dance. The more you have someone to cook for you, the harder it gets to cook your own dinner. And this can lead to a cycle, in which fear and lack of practice with non-call-girls makes you continually fail with them, which drives you back to call-girls, which makes you less practiced with real-world romance, which...
3) STDs. Be careful! I think there are ways to be reasonably safe, but still, BE CAREFUL.
4) Your own prudishness. Again, I don't think there's anything morally wrong with seeing a call-girl. But you're not me. Are you 100% a "free thinker" about this? Because you don't want to wake up the next day feeling like you're a bad person. It really doesn't matter if prostitution is right or wrong in some abstract sense. In most cultures, it's at least somewhat tainted. My guess is it won't be something you can easily discuss with friends. Which, again, doesn't mean that it's bad or that you're bad for doing it. But the important thing is how you will feel. You've grown up in a culture. Have you been affected by its values enough that you might feel like you've "sinned" if you did this? (I note you posted anonymously.)
5) You are linking sex with intimacy. There's nothing wrong with that. Most of us do it. Beware, though: there's a trap. MANY men have fallen in love with hookers and strippers. We can argue that it's not real love (whatever that is), but my point is that once sex and intimacy are linked in one's mind (as they are for most of us -- as it sounds like they are for you), all kinds of confusions can happen.
If you hire a call-girl, she is NEVER going to be your girlfriend. I know you know that intellectually. But you should do some good thinking about your past. Many lonely guys -- and I'm one of them -- easily develop romantic feelings for any girl who shows them even slight attention. Has that happened to you in the past? Did you "fall in love" with that girl who smiled at you in high school? That girl who talked to you in English class? That girl who was just being friendly? There's nothing wrong with that. It's natural. But if you're that kind of lonely, romantic guy, you're taking a big risk if you hire a hooker. No matter how much you tell yourself it's a business deal (and if you keep telling yourself that, will you even enjoy the experience?), your heart may beg to differ.
I would think long and hard about those five points. If you don't think they're problems, my advice is go for it. It sounds, to me, like a pragmatic solution -- not to all your problems but to some immediate frustration. Yes, we're built to want hugs and pats on the back. But we're also built to want sex. That is simply a reality, and a backrub is NOT sex. I can't speak for the people here who are advocating massages, but speaking for myself, when I've wanted sex, a backrub wouldn't have cut it.
posted by grumblebee at 7:51 AM on August 30, 2010 [26 favorites]
I just asked all my friends for hugs whenever I got like this. Time would bring a gf/bf of the type you'd like.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:07 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 8:07 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
The OP seemed to have some trepidation about visiting a sex worker. The question seemed to talk about two needs: one for physical contact and one for sex. Yes, these can both be solved by going to a sex worker, but the way the question was phrased made me think that an option that addressed the need for physical contact, ie one of the two problems, might be valuable.
I can remember periods of time in my life when I had little physical contact with others and having friends who could give me a back rub really helped me. Yes, the contact is definitely different than sex.
I also, as someone who has never hired a sex worker, feel that giving advice without personal experience would be unhelpful.
Perhaps I should have phrased it differently:
If you're unsure/uncomfortable/concerned about visiting a sex worker, perhaps try getting a massage first to see if some non-sexual physical contact will help you.
posted by sciencegeek at 8:09 AM on August 30, 2010
I can remember periods of time in my life when I had little physical contact with others and having friends who could give me a back rub really helped me. Yes, the contact is definitely different than sex.
I also, as someone who has never hired a sex worker, feel that giving advice without personal experience would be unhelpful.
Perhaps I should have phrased it differently:
If you're unsure/uncomfortable/concerned about visiting a sex worker, perhaps try getting a massage first to see if some non-sexual physical contact will help you.
posted by sciencegeek at 8:09 AM on August 30, 2010
Have you talked to your therapist about this? If not, find a new one.
posted by jardinier at 8:12 AM on August 30, 2010
posted by jardinier at 8:12 AM on August 30, 2010
I don't think that hiring a sex worker will actually fix your problem. I think it'll only make you feel more alone. This opinion is based on the one paragraph of background you gave us, so take it with a grain of salt, but I think you're attributing your loneliness to a lack of physical contact and that acquiring physical contact won't actually solve the real problem.
posted by valadil at 8:32 AM on August 30, 2010
posted by valadil at 8:32 AM on August 30, 2010
nthing that you need to consider how a future partner may react to this. When I found out that someone I was dating had been with a prostitute before we dated, I was completely turned off and the relationship ended soon after. That wasn't the only reason, but it was a big reason. Not everyone will have the same reaction, but you might be limiting your future partner options.
I disagree with Forktine about not telling future partners if you do it--for one thing, sleeping with a prostitute makes you high-risk for STIs and that's information they need to know. And for another, it's withholding information that I think tells the other person a lot about you and the relationship you have with sex and with women. This is just my opinion, obviously, but I would find a man who has sex with a prostitute to be more desperate and off-putting than a man who doesn't.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 8:44 AM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I disagree with Forktine about not telling future partners if you do it--for one thing, sleeping with a prostitute makes you high-risk for STIs and that's information they need to know. And for another, it's withholding information that I think tells the other person a lot about you and the relationship you have with sex and with women. This is just my opinion, obviously, but I would find a man who has sex with a prostitute to be more desperate and off-putting than a man who doesn't.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 8:44 AM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
My personal experience has been that it did not help me overcome my fears of talking to potential mates, but it did provide a level of physical comfort I found helpful.
It came at a terrible price though, I caught hepatitis c from one of the workers I slept with.
posted by No1UKnow at 8:56 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
It came at a terrible price though, I caught hepatitis c from one of the workers I slept with.
posted by No1UKnow at 8:56 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think its a bad idea. Nthing what other posters have said about it reducing/degrading you and not satisfying you.
Its normal to be lonely, its pathetic to visit a sex worker. Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system.
Wouldn't be better to get well and find someone who loves you? Start by loving yourself; by not visiting a sex worker, by developing your spirtuality; by looking deeply at yourself and figuring out how you are creating your own loneliness - what do you do that drives people/women away?
Then work on fixing your family relationships (I have the feeling the ones you have are strained or broken - how is your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your cousins.. etc.?). There is so much you can do, that goes behind the pathos of sex for hire (pathos for you, for the sex worker, and so on).
I don't know you, but I'm sure you are better than this and I'm sure you deserve better than this.
posted by zia at 9:00 AM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
Its normal to be lonely, its pathetic to visit a sex worker. Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system.
Wouldn't be better to get well and find someone who loves you? Start by loving yourself; by not visiting a sex worker, by developing your spirtuality; by looking deeply at yourself and figuring out how you are creating your own loneliness - what do you do that drives people/women away?
Then work on fixing your family relationships (I have the feeling the ones you have are strained or broken - how is your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your cousins.. etc.?). There is so much you can do, that goes behind the pathos of sex for hire (pathos for you, for the sex worker, and so on).
I don't know you, but I'm sure you are better than this and I'm sure you deserve better than this.
posted by zia at 9:00 AM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
@No1UKnow
So sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing - sad validation that sex is not consequence free. Hope you have/are getting/staying well
posted by zia at 9:03 AM on August 30, 2010
So sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing - sad validation that sex is not consequence free. Hope you have/are getting/staying well
posted by zia at 9:03 AM on August 30, 2010
The desire to release sexual tension does not make you a bad person. Neither does visiting a sex workers. IMO and without trying to start a derail on a sensitive post, it's the criminalization of paid sex that makes it dangerous and taboo.
Seriously. Forget what Zia says, it's not pathetic, lonely, or sad. It also isn't relieved by hugs or, jesus you people are sadists, massage.
I personally have not used them, but I have found free, meaningless hookups via the interwebs, and they were fun and not criminal, however the criminality of the topic isn't what we're here to talk about.
As therapy? Probably not something that's going to happen. As a fun way to have some contact that isn't going bring emotional baggage and awkward morning good-bye's, it's fine.
Sex is sex, it's not a precious gift, it's not a bouquet of flowers, it's not immoral (well, most of it), it's not wrong, it's not dirty. Don't forget that.
posted by TomMelee at 9:22 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seriously. Forget what Zia says, it's not pathetic, lonely, or sad. It also isn't relieved by hugs or, jesus you people are sadists, massage.
I personally have not used them, but I have found free, meaningless hookups via the interwebs, and they were fun and not criminal, however the criminality of the topic isn't what we're here to talk about.
As therapy? Probably not something that's going to happen. As a fun way to have some contact that isn't going bring emotional baggage and awkward morning good-bye's, it's fine.
Sex is sex, it's not a precious gift, it's not a bouquet of flowers, it's not immoral (well, most of it), it's not wrong, it's not dirty. Don't forget that.
posted by TomMelee at 9:22 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Vehmently disagree with TomMelee, but I wouldn't tell you to forget what he says - each of us represents a different perspective. Him from a "sex is a physical release", me from a "sex is an emotional connection". I do think that paying for sex changes the game and impacts a person's self image, but YMV, as his seems to (tho he has not paid for sex).
You need to decide where you stand on the physical release vs. emotional connection spectrum, but in the OP, I thought I heard you talk about both, and that sounds like you may not get what you are hoping for.
posted by zia at 9:32 AM on August 30, 2010
You need to decide where you stand on the physical release vs. emotional connection spectrum, but in the OP, I thought I heard you talk about both, and that sounds like you may not get what you are hoping for.
posted by zia at 9:32 AM on August 30, 2010
The reason I favorited the "try a massage" answer is because the OP talks much more about being hungry for touch than desperate for sexual release (which he only mentions in passing towards the end of the question.)
To the OP: Starving for touch is not necessarily the same thing as starving for sex.
A massage would bring some extended, professionally-caring skin contact with another person, and if you find someone you like and become a regular client, it can even come to seem friendlier over time.
Another, probably cheaper option is to go to a salon regularly for haircuts, rather than a barber shop. Having your hair shampooed feels wonderful.
Pets could be another good option, if you have room in your life for one. Hugging and wrestling around with a medium-to-large dog can give you that "body contact" feeling, plus the dog will just love the shit out of you generally.
I have no particular issue with sex work. I've sent a significant other off for an erotic massage (with happy ending) because he thought it sounded hot (and according to him, it was.) If sexual release needs to be a part of the package, that sort of massage might be a good bet. It's probably cheaper than paying a call girl, you'll get a nice rubdown all over your body, and the hand-release at the end is much less likely to spread disease assuming she washes her hands between customers (I'm not sure how you'd determine that, but hopefully it's just the way things are done.)
My concerns about visiting a sex worker are those outlined by grumblebee above, and I don't think those concerns should be dismissed lightly. That's why I'd suggest trying other things first to see if you can feel better some other way. Paid-for sex will always be an option later if you want it.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:51 AM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
To the OP: Starving for touch is not necessarily the same thing as starving for sex.
A massage would bring some extended, professionally-caring skin contact with another person, and if you find someone you like and become a regular client, it can even come to seem friendlier over time.
Another, probably cheaper option is to go to a salon regularly for haircuts, rather than a barber shop. Having your hair shampooed feels wonderful.
Pets could be another good option, if you have room in your life for one. Hugging and wrestling around with a medium-to-large dog can give you that "body contact" feeling, plus the dog will just love the shit out of you generally.
I have no particular issue with sex work. I've sent a significant other off for an erotic massage (with happy ending) because he thought it sounded hot (and according to him, it was.) If sexual release needs to be a part of the package, that sort of massage might be a good bet. It's probably cheaper than paying a call girl, you'll get a nice rubdown all over your body, and the hand-release at the end is much less likely to spread disease assuming she washes her hands between customers (I'm not sure how you'd determine that, but hopefully it's just the way things are done.)
My concerns about visiting a sex worker are those outlined by grumblebee above, and I don't think those concerns should be dismissed lightly. That's why I'd suggest trying other things first to see if you can feel better some other way. Paid-for sex will always be an option later if you want it.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:51 AM on August 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
I was friends with a guy once who, after a long night of drinking, told me about the time he visited a massage parlor. A friend of his, someone he thought was just the coolest guy in the world - I wouldn't say idolized, but personally & professionally, everyone thought this guy was the shit - happened to mention one day that he occasionally patronized a massage parlor not far from where they were hanging out and made it seem like no big deal, that it was better than jerking off, that it was "easy" and "convenient".
So my buddy went. He wasn't a bad guy, but if you didn't know him, you would think he was a jerk because he was always trying to act like one because he thought it was how you were cool & how you got girls. But he was a sweet, thoughtful person who was still growing up. (We were in our mid 20s.)
Anyway, he got into the massage parlor, and the second he got there he started to have major second thoughts, huge ones, but there was the big burly bouncer guy over in the corner and he didn't think he could just leave, this was before cell phones or even pagers so he couldn't manufacture an excuse, and he said he felt like a wimp for not going through with it, so he did. And he hated every minute of it. The worst part of it was that he couldn't tell ANYONE. He didn't want the bragging rights, couldn't tell his friends, nothing about it was what he thought it would be. (And to make things worse, he found out later that the dude who was bragging about it was totally making it up.)
Now, I understand that you can pay a lot more money to an escort and there is the whole "GFE" thing and I don't think that sex workers are evil and I don't think that paying for sex makes you a bad person - but I do think that paying for sex makes you a SAD person. When I was in Thailand, I could not deal with the older men and younger women and I would have these discussions with guys who would try to tell me "You don't understand, it's so much EASIER" and I just think - seriously? (I mean, honestly, that's what I thought about Eliot Spitzer too, for whatever it's worth.)
I would venture to suggest that the fact that you are asking a lot of strangers on the internet about it means that you probably have a lot of doubts about the process. You don't give us enough information to help you debug why you can't seem to find a woman to start a relationship with, or to hook up with, or to even strike up a friendship with. Despite what the movies would have you think, it takes a little work to find someone you are compatible with. Sometimes it's luck. You're doing online dating - are you dating? Are you talking to women? Have you gone out on dates?
posted by micawber at 9:53 AM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
So my buddy went. He wasn't a bad guy, but if you didn't know him, you would think he was a jerk because he was always trying to act like one because he thought it was how you were cool & how you got girls. But he was a sweet, thoughtful person who was still growing up. (We were in our mid 20s.)
Anyway, he got into the massage parlor, and the second he got there he started to have major second thoughts, huge ones, but there was the big burly bouncer guy over in the corner and he didn't think he could just leave, this was before cell phones or even pagers so he couldn't manufacture an excuse, and he said he felt like a wimp for not going through with it, so he did. And he hated every minute of it. The worst part of it was that he couldn't tell ANYONE. He didn't want the bragging rights, couldn't tell his friends, nothing about it was what he thought it would be. (And to make things worse, he found out later that the dude who was bragging about it was totally making it up.)
Now, I understand that you can pay a lot more money to an escort and there is the whole "GFE" thing and I don't think that sex workers are evil and I don't think that paying for sex makes you a bad person - but I do think that paying for sex makes you a SAD person. When I was in Thailand, I could not deal with the older men and younger women and I would have these discussions with guys who would try to tell me "You don't understand, it's so much EASIER" and I just think - seriously? (I mean, honestly, that's what I thought about Eliot Spitzer too, for whatever it's worth.)
I would venture to suggest that the fact that you are asking a lot of strangers on the internet about it means that you probably have a lot of doubts about the process. You don't give us enough information to help you debug why you can't seem to find a woman to start a relationship with, or to hook up with, or to even strike up a friendship with. Despite what the movies would have you think, it takes a little work to find someone you are compatible with. Sometimes it's luck. You're doing online dating - are you dating? Are you talking to women? Have you gone out on dates?
posted by micawber at 9:53 AM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was lonely and touch-starved for a number of years.
Massage (legit massage, that is) is a great way to get physical contact, to have someone paying attention to and caring about your body in the moment. It's not sex, and it's not sexual, but it can be a wonderful cathartic thing.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:03 AM on August 30, 2010
Massage (legit massage, that is) is a great way to get physical contact, to have someone paying attention to and caring about your body in the moment. It's not sex, and it's not sexual, but it can be a wonderful cathartic thing.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:03 AM on August 30, 2010
Nothing in this world is clear cut good or bad. Don't be shocked if your feelings of anxiety and inadequacy become amplified by a trip to a prostitute. That being said, people learn stuff about themselves in all sorts of different ways. Who is anyone to judge. Just try not to do anything too stupid and have some fun.
posted by phaedon at 10:07 AM on August 30, 2010
posted by phaedon at 10:07 AM on August 30, 2010
I remember an episode of Frasier where Niles was separated from his wife and was longing for some kind of physical contact. He confessed to his brother that he was paying people to touch him - "Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. When you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any." Humor aside, maybe this isn't a bad way to start before visiting a sex worker. Treat yourself to a day of pampering at a spa and you'll emerge relaxed, temporarily physically comforted and conflict-free. It's also a chance to chat at length with the workers; I'm not saying spas and salons are "meat markets," but many times when I've been there and it emerges that the male in the next chair is unattached and straight (bonus points if he has a steady job), he'll get at least one "if you're not seeing anyone right now, I've got a really good-looking sister/friend/cousin who would be perfect for you...." -type of proposition before he leaves.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:30 AM on August 30, 2010
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:30 AM on August 30, 2010
Just as a data point, I've had boyfriends who had visited prostitutes in the past (when they were in the Navy, when they were young, awkward and lonely, etc.) and none of them caught anything and I didn't think they were horrible pathetic emotionally traumatized people. It freaked me out a bit when I found out but I got over it quickly. Not everyone is judgmental. There may or may not be long term consequences but you are not going to automatically be shunned and loathed for this should it ever come out. Besides, judging from any number of late night conversations, more men - and probably women, although I haven't met any - than you would think have gone to sex workers.
I would also like to point out that this question is completely gender neutral yet everyone is assuming this is a male looking for a female. Unsought celibacy of a year or more isn't fun for anyone of any gender or persuasion and it can screw up your brain but good.
Anyway, I would say listen to grumblebee. Also, just think about this: you say the person I most admire, rather than one that will sleep with me. Maybe you should consider that those are not mutually exclusive traits. People like sleeping with each other. Admiration is often mutual. Try pursuing the person you admire instead of the one you perceive as easy and possibly s/he will turn out to be "easier" than you think.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:34 AM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would also like to point out that this question is completely gender neutral yet everyone is assuming this is a male looking for a female. Unsought celibacy of a year or more isn't fun for anyone of any gender or persuasion and it can screw up your brain but good.
Anyway, I would say listen to grumblebee. Also, just think about this: you say the person I most admire, rather than one that will sleep with me. Maybe you should consider that those are not mutually exclusive traits. People like sleeping with each other. Admiration is often mutual. Try pursuing the person you admire instead of the one you perceive as easy and possibly s/he will turn out to be "easier" than you think.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:34 AM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm not going to make any moral judgements, because individual situations (and local laws!) are very different. But just on the health note, you should be careful: if you catch something, you might never be able to get rid of it. You need to decide if that's worth it or not.
posted by mattkh at 10:34 AM on August 30, 2010
posted by mattkh at 10:34 AM on August 30, 2010
I'll also recommend a professional massage to start with. Touch and sex are linked, but not as directly as I believe this culture thinks. For us men in this culture we don't experience much physical contact outside of a romantic or sexual context, so I think we often consider them one and the same. The massage will be good for you mentally and physically in ways the sex worker will not be able to provide. See how your body feels after that; if you feel a strong need for sex/fucking, then visit the sex worker. They're both so important.
Also - I can completely empathize. It's tough.
posted by MillMan at 10:46 AM on August 30, 2010
Also - I can completely empathize. It's tough.
posted by MillMan at 10:46 AM on August 30, 2010
This question actually comes up in AskMe every so often. The response is generally about the same: A bunch of people say that no, it's not an inherently bad idea but you should be careful. A few people say yes, it's a terrible idea and you shouldn't do it. The former usually, I think, outnumber the latter but both viewpoints are usually fairly well represented. So there's that.
In the first question of this type the Asker actually decided to go through with it and said it was an all-around good experience. So there's that. Of course he later asked for the thread to be removed. So you should probably take that into account as well.
posted by Justinian at 10:50 AM on August 30, 2010
In the first question of this type the Asker actually decided to go through with it and said it was an all-around good experience. So there's that. Of course he later asked for the thread to be removed. So you should probably take that into account as well.
posted by Justinian at 10:50 AM on August 30, 2010
I would also like to point out that this question is completely gender neutral yet everyone is assuming this is a male looking for a female. Unsought celibacy of a year or more isn't fun for anyone of any gender or persuasion and it can screw up your brain but good.
Good point. And if my wife ever told me she'd hired a male prostitute (or a female one, for that matter) before we were married ... so what? I also can't imagine caring (beyond being careful about STDs) if someone I was dating admitted to this. Jesus, there are so many worse things. I am not mocking anyone who cares, because it's such a hot-button topic in our culture, but I wanted to add another voice to the "it's no big deal" brigade.
Also...
"Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system."
zia, with respect, how many people do you know who visit sex workers? Are you saying this from experience or are you stereotyping? Even if it's the latter, it's a useful data-point, because it's good for the OP to know how people might see him.
Throughout my life, I've hung out with "freaks." I have a (male) friend who is one of the most famous burlesque artists in the world. I have a friend who is a furry. Etc. And I have met MANY people who, at one time in their lives, have paid for sex -- and they are not all (or even mostly) lonely or sad. I won't comment on "dysfunctional," because most people I know fit that label on some level, including me. There isn't a type of person that pays for sex. Many different types do it, some sad, some not.
And many men you know have done it at some point in their lives. You don't know this about them in most cases. But check the data about this sometime. You might be surprised.
I don't pay for sex, but if I was single and horny, I might. It's really no big deal to me: I want sex, you're offering it for $X, I happen to have $X, everybody wins.
What I would say is that if the OP can't think of it as I wrote about it in the previous paragraph, he might be in for trouble. If he romanticizes it at all -- or, I guess, if he cares a lot about what people might think -- it's maybe not such a great idea.
If you care deeply about what people think, it may be a good idea not to do this, even if you never tell anyone. Because YOU'LL know. You'll think of yourself as carrying around a shameful secret. It's fine to think "it's nobody's business." It's not so fine to think "I need to hide my shame." So if you're going to do this, make sure you feel the former way, not the latter.
posted by grumblebee at 10:59 AM on August 30, 2010 [4 favorites]
Good point. And if my wife ever told me she'd hired a male prostitute (or a female one, for that matter) before we were married ... so what? I also can't imagine caring (beyond being careful about STDs) if someone I was dating admitted to this. Jesus, there are so many worse things. I am not mocking anyone who cares, because it's such a hot-button topic in our culture, but I wanted to add another voice to the "it's no big deal" brigade.
Also...
"Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system."
zia, with respect, how many people do you know who visit sex workers? Are you saying this from experience or are you stereotyping? Even if it's the latter, it's a useful data-point, because it's good for the OP to know how people might see him.
Throughout my life, I've hung out with "freaks." I have a (male) friend who is one of the most famous burlesque artists in the world. I have a friend who is a furry. Etc. And I have met MANY people who, at one time in their lives, have paid for sex -- and they are not all (or even mostly) lonely or sad. I won't comment on "dysfunctional," because most people I know fit that label on some level, including me. There isn't a type of person that pays for sex. Many different types do it, some sad, some not.
And many men you know have done it at some point in their lives. You don't know this about them in most cases. But check the data about this sometime. You might be surprised.
I don't pay for sex, but if I was single and horny, I might. It's really no big deal to me: I want sex, you're offering it for $X, I happen to have $X, everybody wins.
What I would say is that if the OP can't think of it as I wrote about it in the previous paragraph, he might be in for trouble. If he romanticizes it at all -- or, I guess, if he cares a lot about what people might think -- it's maybe not such a great idea.
If you care deeply about what people think, it may be a good idea not to do this, even if you never tell anyone. Because YOU'LL know. You'll think of yourself as carrying around a shameful secret. It's fine to think "it's nobody's business." It's not so fine to think "I need to hide my shame." So if you're going to do this, make sure you feel the former way, not the latter.
posted by grumblebee at 10:59 AM on August 30, 2010 [4 favorites]
Just from a bookie's perspective, seeing a sex worker reduces the number of people who will want to become sexually or romantically involved with you (unless it increases the number you are willing to lie to).
My neighbour met her husband while donating blood. If you are currently eligible to donate, you won't be anymore, even if your worker has always insisted on safer sex (and has the great luck never to have been raped by someone with unknown STD status).
I am sorry you are lonely right now. Can I give you some more probability-based advice? You asked what else you could try -- date more, even if you don't really want to, or if you feel desperate. Respond to more profiles on your dating site, and open up your standards a little to include more people. Don't do it with the aim of getting laid, do it for the simple purpose of meeting more people who fit into the category of available and attractive-to-you. Even if you don't feel any chemistry, don't write off your date. Be friends if you can, meet their social circle. If you liked the person enough to go on a date, chances are that their friends are a better approximation of a match for you than a random stranger would be. Tell the people you know that you want to meet ALL their single friends. Host a party, and invite couples-plus-a-single-friend. Are you being invited to weddings? Go to them. Dance with everyone you can. (Hell, set up a dating profile called Yes, I Will Go To Your Cousin's Wedding With You.)
Take an evening class with lots of your preferred gender in it. You'll need to make some assumptions, but you can usually guess how a class will skew. Want to meet women? Try cupcake baking, yoga, knitting, or creative non-fiction writing. If you like men, try a woodworking class, improv, or wildlife photography. It's a fun way to meet a pseudo-random group of grownups in your demographic with similar interests, and they're already telling you they are probably single, have a day job, and are free at least one night a week. Bonus. Do you have a skill you can share? Teach an adult class on whatever you're good at, and you can get paid to meet 200 new people before spring.
This may sound backhandy, but the respectful tone you use in your question (using the term sex worker instead of "hooker" or "prostitute", weighing your alternatives, asking your friends about possible problems) makes me think that you would be more sensitive to the sad aftereffect than some random dudebro notch-carving guy might be.
posted by Sallyfur at 11:09 AM on August 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
My neighbour met her husband while donating blood. If you are currently eligible to donate, you won't be anymore, even if your worker has always insisted on safer sex (and has the great luck never to have been raped by someone with unknown STD status).
I am sorry you are lonely right now. Can I give you some more probability-based advice? You asked what else you could try -- date more, even if you don't really want to, or if you feel desperate. Respond to more profiles on your dating site, and open up your standards a little to include more people. Don't do it with the aim of getting laid, do it for the simple purpose of meeting more people who fit into the category of available and attractive-to-you. Even if you don't feel any chemistry, don't write off your date. Be friends if you can, meet their social circle. If you liked the person enough to go on a date, chances are that their friends are a better approximation of a match for you than a random stranger would be. Tell the people you know that you want to meet ALL their single friends. Host a party, and invite couples-plus-a-single-friend. Are you being invited to weddings? Go to them. Dance with everyone you can. (Hell, set up a dating profile called Yes, I Will Go To Your Cousin's Wedding With You.)
Take an evening class with lots of your preferred gender in it. You'll need to make some assumptions, but you can usually guess how a class will skew. Want to meet women? Try cupcake baking, yoga, knitting, or creative non-fiction writing. If you like men, try a woodworking class, improv, or wildlife photography. It's a fun way to meet a pseudo-random group of grownups in your demographic with similar interests, and they're already telling you they are probably single, have a day job, and are free at least one night a week. Bonus. Do you have a skill you can share? Teach an adult class on whatever you're good at, and you can get paid to meet 200 new people before spring.
This may sound backhandy, but the respectful tone you use in your question (using the term sex worker instead of "hooker" or "prostitute", weighing your alternatives, asking your friends about possible problems) makes me think that you would be more sensitive to the sad aftereffect than some random dudebro notch-carving guy might be.
posted by Sallyfur at 11:09 AM on August 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
A note on the disease issue: sex workers are usually at higher risk of STDs that the general population but it's important to note that some other groups may have a higher incidence than sex workers. For example one Dutch study found that swingers were more prone to STDs that sex workers. So don't count on having sex with people who aren't prostitutes getting you much better odds necessarily. (I would also wonder whether certain categories of prostitutes would have different incidence rates.)
posted by XMLicious at 11:15 AM on August 30, 2010
posted by XMLicious at 11:15 AM on August 30, 2010
One of the things good massage therapists are trained to deal with are the tears (of release and renewal) a good massage will sometimes inspire in session.
I say this as someone else in the camp of, "Try regular massage therapy first!"
The "tears" phenomenon has happened to me unexpectedly once or twice during a good Shiatsu massage. You feel so much better afterwards:))
I would definitely try that before anything else.
Studies show (and you probably already know) that touch is super important to our emotional and physical well-being.
Make a massage appointment today - don't wait!
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 11:29 AM on August 30, 2010
I say this as someone else in the camp of, "Try regular massage therapy first!"
The "tears" phenomenon has happened to me unexpectedly once or twice during a good Shiatsu massage. You feel so much better afterwards:))
I would definitely try that before anything else.
Studies show (and you probably already know) that touch is super important to our emotional and physical well-being.
Make a massage appointment today - don't wait!
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 11:29 AM on August 30, 2010
Here's a comprehensive journal article on sex work in the UK and Europe. It's an interesting read for its own sake but here's a quote:
It has generally been assumed that commercial sex work facilitates the spread of STI in a population, but research suggests that this may only apply in certain settings such as the developing world and street sex work, where condom use may not be widely practised. The overall prevalence of HIV among UK CSW ranges between 0 and 3.5% while a study from 11 European centres found an HIV prevalence of 1.5% among non-injecting CSW but 31.8% among injecting drug users.posted by XMLicious at 11:31 AM on August 30, 2010
@grumblebee
I characterize consumers of sex workers as: Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system, because I know several gentlemen who did/do patronize such services. If it is a sterotype, it is one drawn from my (wider) circle of acquaintances.
posted by zia at 11:49 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I characterize consumers of sex workers as: Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system, because I know several gentlemen who did/do patronize such services. If it is a sterotype, it is one drawn from my (wider) circle of acquaintances.
posted by zia at 11:49 AM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Buying sex can be criticized as another step for commercialization of human life, in a sense of commercialization of things that people value and want to have in life. Sex has value but has that value to be exchangeable with one valuator, monetary value? The problem of agreeing with that everything 'valuable' should and be boughtable with money sets money as the ultimate valuator. If you have money, then everything else is just a matter of buying and consequently, those who have less money have less capacity, or less 'fluid' capacity for having valuable things in their life.
Many people draw the line for example in buying degrees. It is ok to buy yourself a place in a good school, but it is assumed that there has to be some actual work of studying to earn a degree, you shouldn't be able to buy yourself out of that. Or another example, you shouldn't be able to buy yourself a loving family. A politician who would get caught having rented actors to play wife and kids would be shunned. You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a native heritage. You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a metafilter account of a popular user. Etc. In most of these cases where people mostly agree that this value shouldn't be bought, it would give some kind of false impression and set a price tag for something that people pride themselves of.
Now for some people, like me, sexual touch is one of those aspects of human life that shouldn't be monetarizied. It is part of my ethos that there should be ways for people to be happy that cannot be bought, to encourage people to have many values and goals in their lives instead of just one master goal that can be used to buy all of the secondary goals (or one master goal to fail in). It is just a rule I play by, you can play your game by allowing yourself to use money to reach that other goal. I think allowing that thing makes the whole sex thing unbalanced and ugly, secondary to money game, and I won't recommend it.
posted by Free word order! at 12:51 PM on August 30, 2010 [8 favorites]
Many people draw the line for example in buying degrees. It is ok to buy yourself a place in a good school, but it is assumed that there has to be some actual work of studying to earn a degree, you shouldn't be able to buy yourself out of that. Or another example, you shouldn't be able to buy yourself a loving family. A politician who would get caught having rented actors to play wife and kids would be shunned. You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a native heritage. You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a metafilter account of a popular user. Etc. In most of these cases where people mostly agree that this value shouldn't be bought, it would give some kind of false impression and set a price tag for something that people pride themselves of.
Now for some people, like me, sexual touch is one of those aspects of human life that shouldn't be monetarizied. It is part of my ethos that there should be ways for people to be happy that cannot be bought, to encourage people to have many values and goals in their lives instead of just one master goal that can be used to buy all of the secondary goals (or one master goal to fail in). It is just a rule I play by, you can play your game by allowing yourself to use money to reach that other goal. I think allowing that thing makes the whole sex thing unbalanced and ugly, secondary to money game, and I won't recommend it.
posted by Free word order! at 12:51 PM on August 30, 2010 [8 favorites]
I don't think there is anything morally wrong with paying a prostitute.
On the other hand, I would not date someone who had been to one. It bothers me on a gut level that I can't really put into words. If you tend to be into more sexually liberal women, finding someone who doesn't mind that you've been to a prostitute might not be too difficult.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:07 PM on August 30, 2010
On the other hand, I would not date someone who had been to one. It bothers me on a gut level that I can't really put into words. If you tend to be into more sexually liberal women, finding someone who doesn't mind that you've been to a prostitute might not be too difficult.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:07 PM on August 30, 2010
I think free word order makes a really good point. I would generalize it by saying that if you ever reach a point where you think "Money is the answer to all problems," you're in bad shape.
But I'm not sure it's possible to reach that point. I don't know if any of the rest of you have had this fantasy, but I've thought from time-to-time that it would be a blast to be so rich I could afford concubines. In my case, it would be, like, ten women (of various shapes, hues and sizes) that I could have sex with whenever I wanted to. Now that I'm married, I'd throw in some hot guys for my wife, and we'd live happily and hedonistically ever after.
Or WOULD we ...? [Cue ominous music.]
Let's say, God forbid, my wife died but I still had my harem. (Sorry male concubines, you'd be getting a pink slip and a nice severance package.) Would I be happy? No, because though I'd have endless sex in my life, I wouldn't have any love. I can't believe I'm going to actually put this in print, but ... here goes ... Money Can't Buy Me Love.
Free word order says, "You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a loving family." Thing is, you CAN'T buy yourself a loving family.
Study after study has shown that rich people aren't particularly happier than the rest of us. Which doesn't surprise me at all, because money can't buy most of the things we really want.
OP, if you choose to hire a hooker, think of her as a slice of cake after a bad day at work. The slice makes you feel good while you're eating it, which is fine -- which is why I would never call it bad -- but the high will wear off very fast. And what are you going to do, keep eating slice after slice of cake? In the end, it won't solve anything. You'll still have the problems you have.
OP, I wish we knew how old you are. The solutions (or possible solutions) to loneliness are a bit different in your 50s than they are in your 20s. But at any point in life, the best thing you can do is become a confident person. Confidence, along with a sense of humor, is highly attractive to both sexes. Almost all the confident people I know -- even if they're butt ugly -- have love in their lives.
How do you become confident? I don't think you can fake it, so it's not a quick fix. But the answer is to delve into your passions. If you're a plumber, do the work necessary to make yourself the best fucking plumber you know. If you're a musician, same thing. You'll reach a point where you KNOW you're good. I don't mean in an arrogant way. I mean that you'll know that if someone puts a wrench in your hand (or a violin under your chin), you KNOW what to do with it. This confidence, even in one small area, will infect your whole personality. People will notice it. They will be attracted to it.
I'm starting to get turned on just imagining it!
posted by grumblebee at 1:24 PM on August 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
But I'm not sure it's possible to reach that point. I don't know if any of the rest of you have had this fantasy, but I've thought from time-to-time that it would be a blast to be so rich I could afford concubines. In my case, it would be, like, ten women (of various shapes, hues and sizes) that I could have sex with whenever I wanted to. Now that I'm married, I'd throw in some hot guys for my wife, and we'd live happily and hedonistically ever after.
Or WOULD we ...? [Cue ominous music.]
Let's say, God forbid, my wife died but I still had my harem. (Sorry male concubines, you'd be getting a pink slip and a nice severance package.) Would I be happy? No, because though I'd have endless sex in my life, I wouldn't have any love. I can't believe I'm going to actually put this in print, but ... here goes ... Money Can't Buy Me Love.
Free word order says, "You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a loving family." Thing is, you CAN'T buy yourself a loving family.
Study after study has shown that rich people aren't particularly happier than the rest of us. Which doesn't surprise me at all, because money can't buy most of the things we really want.
OP, if you choose to hire a hooker, think of her as a slice of cake after a bad day at work. The slice makes you feel good while you're eating it, which is fine -- which is why I would never call it bad -- but the high will wear off very fast. And what are you going to do, keep eating slice after slice of cake? In the end, it won't solve anything. You'll still have the problems you have.
OP, I wish we knew how old you are. The solutions (or possible solutions) to loneliness are a bit different in your 50s than they are in your 20s. But at any point in life, the best thing you can do is become a confident person. Confidence, along with a sense of humor, is highly attractive to both sexes. Almost all the confident people I know -- even if they're butt ugly -- have love in their lives.
How do you become confident? I don't think you can fake it, so it's not a quick fix. But the answer is to delve into your passions. If you're a plumber, do the work necessary to make yourself the best fucking plumber you know. If you're a musician, same thing. You'll reach a point where you KNOW you're good. I don't mean in an arrogant way. I mean that you'll know that if someone puts a wrench in your hand (or a violin under your chin), you KNOW what to do with it. This confidence, even in one small area, will infect your whole personality. People will notice it. They will be attracted to it.
I'm starting to get turned on just imagining it!
posted by grumblebee at 1:24 PM on August 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
Its normal to be lonely, its pathetic to visit a sex worker. Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system.
I'd also like to add a respectful but strong refutation to zia's blanket stereotype here. A close friend of mine told me about a recent experience he had with a prostitute that left him very satisfied. He is one of the least pathetic or sad people one could meet and one of the most charming and charismatic people I know. Most men would envy him for his looks, success, intelligence, etc. He couldn't be further from zia's characterization. He was looking for a sexual release with an attractive woman while away on business and did it. Good time, no repercussions.
Also to zia, if employing a sex worker is pathetic, then a great many men fit that description. It has not maintained its position as "the world's oldest profession" because it leaves so many customers in a state that could or should be judged as pathetic. There are so very many providers at various levels of the sex industry with so many customers of different needs who find what they're looking for with them. If they're all pathetic, dysfunctional, and sad, you'd be surprised at how many "Spitzers" are out there.
We should all have a right to do with our bodies what we will. To me, a woman not being allowed to choose sex work as a profession by law is a wrong on par with a woman not being allowed the right to choose an abortion if she so desires.
Of course there's the usual disclaimer than any forced servitude of any kind is terribly wrong and unless one is experienced in that world, the average guy might not always be able to tell the difference between a sex worker choosing her profession of her own volition and one who is some degree of enslaved or coerced.
To the OP I say, in your particular circumstance, a sex worker might very well be a good option.
As said eloquently above, please do not mistake a visit with a sex worker as intimacy or fall in love with one. It is not a solution for loneliness.
But your question makes it seem that you have the right attitude about it...a sexual release that can help you avoid a state of desperation and allow you to concentrate on the bigger picture beyond just getting laid when meeting women you want to date and get to know for a relationship.
You say it is not a legal issue where you live and it will be easy enough to avoid women who might be in a sex slavery type of situation. As long as you stay protected from STD's, that takes care of most of the major concerns.
Many of the answers above ignore some part of your actual question. Looking for companionship or a way to relieve loneliness would not be a good reason to employ a sex worker. Finding a simple, healthy way to achieve sexual release for a little short term satisfaction and a way to avoid that sexual desperation you speak of while pursuing more meaningful relationships?
If that's how you're thinking of it, I don't think there's much wrong there.
If you go through with it, be careful, use online resources as much as possible for localized reviews and advice, and have a good time.
posted by BillBishop at 1:49 PM on August 30, 2010
I'd also like to add a respectful but strong refutation to zia's blanket stereotype here. A close friend of mine told me about a recent experience he had with a prostitute that left him very satisfied. He is one of the least pathetic or sad people one could meet and one of the most charming and charismatic people I know. Most men would envy him for his looks, success, intelligence, etc. He couldn't be further from zia's characterization. He was looking for a sexual release with an attractive woman while away on business and did it. Good time, no repercussions.
Also to zia, if employing a sex worker is pathetic, then a great many men fit that description. It has not maintained its position as "the world's oldest profession" because it leaves so many customers in a state that could or should be judged as pathetic. There are so very many providers at various levels of the sex industry with so many customers of different needs who find what they're looking for with them. If they're all pathetic, dysfunctional, and sad, you'd be surprised at how many "Spitzers" are out there.
We should all have a right to do with our bodies what we will. To me, a woman not being allowed to choose sex work as a profession by law is a wrong on par with a woman not being allowed the right to choose an abortion if she so desires.
Of course there's the usual disclaimer than any forced servitude of any kind is terribly wrong and unless one is experienced in that world, the average guy might not always be able to tell the difference between a sex worker choosing her profession of her own volition and one who is some degree of enslaved or coerced.
To the OP I say, in your particular circumstance, a sex worker might very well be a good option.
As said eloquently above, please do not mistake a visit with a sex worker as intimacy or fall in love with one. It is not a solution for loneliness.
But your question makes it seem that you have the right attitude about it...a sexual release that can help you avoid a state of desperation and allow you to concentrate on the bigger picture beyond just getting laid when meeting women you want to date and get to know for a relationship.
You say it is not a legal issue where you live and it will be easy enough to avoid women who might be in a sex slavery type of situation. As long as you stay protected from STD's, that takes care of most of the major concerns.
Many of the answers above ignore some part of your actual question. Looking for companionship or a way to relieve loneliness would not be a good reason to employ a sex worker. Finding a simple, healthy way to achieve sexual release for a little short term satisfaction and a way to avoid that sexual desperation you speak of while pursuing more meaningful relationships?
If that's how you're thinking of it, I don't think there's much wrong there.
If you go through with it, be careful, use online resources as much as possible for localized reviews and advice, and have a good time.
posted by BillBishop at 1:49 PM on August 30, 2010
Nthing what other posters have said about it reducing/degrading you. . .
posted by zia
Zia, I don't see any other posters who said this choice would reduce or degrade the OP: please quote a comment that was the basis for your claim that there is some kind of consensus on this point.
its pathetic to visit a sex worker. . . lonely, sad, dysfunctional. . . no emotional support system. . . develop[] your spirtuality. . . you are creating your own loneliness. . . you drive[] people/women away. . .
posted by zia
There are plenty of reasons to make this decision in either direction. "Zia From The Internet -- who thinks I am to blame for my own loneliness and who thinks that well-socialized people never crave sex -- will judge me to be pathetic and dysfunctional and unspirtual" is not a good reason.
Admittedly speaking from inexperience, I myself don't recommend that you hire a prostitute -- but please don't let your decision be driven by others' attempts to shame you.
posted by foursentences at 2:09 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by zia
Zia, I don't see any other posters who said this choice would reduce or degrade the OP: please quote a comment that was the basis for your claim that there is some kind of consensus on this point.
its pathetic to visit a sex worker. . . lonely, sad, dysfunctional. . . no emotional support system. . . develop[] your spirtuality. . . you are creating your own loneliness. . . you drive[] people/women away. . .
posted by zia
There are plenty of reasons to make this decision in either direction. "Zia From The Internet -- who thinks I am to blame for my own loneliness and who thinks that well-socialized people never crave sex -- will judge me to be pathetic and dysfunctional and unspirtual" is not a good reason.
Admittedly speaking from inexperience, I myself don't recommend that you hire a prostitute -- but please don't let your decision be driven by others' attempts to shame you.
posted by foursentences at 2:09 PM on August 30, 2010
I think I was the first person to disagree with zia, but I hope people here don't chastise her out of existence. I believe her post is valuable here. Whether it is just or not, her view is common -- much more common that the view of those of saying, "It's not shameful." The fact that zia and others see it the way they do is a possibly significant data point. It's something the OP might (or might not) want to take into account.
posted by grumblebee at 2:28 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by grumblebee at 2:28 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's not so so much that I'm super anti sex worker (anti visiting sex workers?), though I sort of am.
It's that this seems like a pretty big leap, from "I'm lonely" to "I need to pay someone to have sex with me."
Maybe it's because I'm a woman, and if I'm physically lonely there is no easy "pay someone" solution to this? So I have to get creative? It just seems like there are just so so SO MANY ways you could get yourself laid without having to pay for it.
For one thing, what about dating online? There are a great many sites that encourage more casual relationships. Or you could always look for someone to have one-time-only NSA sex with, via the internet. Not an unpopular option.
Non-sexual massage would be a good option if you feel starved for contact in general. Yoga practice also helped me out when I was feeling lonely this way (not sexually, just feeling divorced from the physical experience).
You're not really limited to a cut and dry serious relationship with someone you meet through friends, in terms of options to get laid without monetary expectations.
posted by Sara C. at 3:11 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's that this seems like a pretty big leap, from "I'm lonely" to "I need to pay someone to have sex with me."
Maybe it's because I'm a woman, and if I'm physically lonely there is no easy "pay someone" solution to this? So I have to get creative? It just seems like there are just so so SO MANY ways you could get yourself laid without having to pay for it.
For one thing, what about dating online? There are a great many sites that encourage more casual relationships. Or you could always look for someone to have one-time-only NSA sex with, via the internet. Not an unpopular option.
Non-sexual massage would be a good option if you feel starved for contact in general. Yoga practice also helped me out when I was feeling lonely this way (not sexually, just feeling divorced from the physical experience).
You're not really limited to a cut and dry serious relationship with someone you meet through friends, in terms of options to get laid without monetary expectations.
posted by Sara C. at 3:11 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hell, maybe I'm just broad-minded, but I wouldn't care if we started dating and you admitted to having seen a sex worker. I wouldn't assume you were a carrier of an STD any more than if you'd admitted to a single one-night-stand.
Now that I think about it, I'd be slightly impressed that you identified a need you wanted fulfilled and had gone ahead and fulfilled it, rather than, say, picking up a princess late one night at a bar who then turned out to be a goblin the next morning, and having to deal with the repercussions of that awful little scenario.
I've had boyfriends who used prostitutes before they met me. I never had a problem with it. (I asked for details because I was fascinated.)
I'm a long way from being Sam de Brito's biggest fan, but maybe reading this might help clarify your thoughts.
I'd recommend getting a massage first, and if you find yourself still unfulfilled, still yearning... find a decent self-employed call girl. I don't think it will 'ruin' your sex life forever if you do.
Best of luck.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 4:10 PM on August 30, 2010
Now that I think about it, I'd be slightly impressed that you identified a need you wanted fulfilled and had gone ahead and fulfilled it, rather than, say, picking up a princess late one night at a bar who then turned out to be a goblin the next morning, and having to deal with the repercussions of that awful little scenario.
I've had boyfriends who used prostitutes before they met me. I never had a problem with it. (I asked for details because I was fascinated.)
I'm a long way from being Sam de Brito's biggest fan, but maybe reading this might help clarify your thoughts.
I'd recommend getting a massage first, and if you find yourself still unfulfilled, still yearning... find a decent self-employed call girl. I don't think it will 'ruin' your sex life forever if you do.
Best of luck.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 4:10 PM on August 30, 2010
Sleeping with a prostitute makes you high-risk for STIs and that's information [future partners] need to know.
Your future partners need to know if you have contracted an STI. Full stop.
OP, have you tried social dancing? One of my old roommates got into swing dancing for pretty similar reasons. It features lots of touch, accompanied by laughter and affection and you get a ton of exercise. Plus they're friendly people if you know what I mean and I think you do.
posted by heatherann at 5:13 PM on August 30, 2010
Your future partners need to know if you have contracted an STI. Full stop.
OP, have you tried social dancing? One of my old roommates got into swing dancing for pretty similar reasons. It features lots of touch, accompanied by laughter and affection and you get a ton of exercise. Plus they're friendly people if you know what I mean and I think you do.
posted by heatherann at 5:13 PM on August 30, 2010
OK, so let's start with this: "If I know I can get physical release outside of a relationship I might better be able to focus on finding the person I most admire, rather than one that will sleep with me."
There is a whole lot to unpack there. Are you setting unrealistic standards for the women you want to date? Because it sounds like there are women who are interested in you, but you find them unworthy. I'm not sure how paying someone for sex is gonna change that. Is that supposed to give you the courage to ask out your idealized woman or something?
I would tell you to, say, try something new where you interact with people outside your usual social circle or go on some internet dates, but that's not gonna help until you get to a point where you're not thinking in the terms you describe in the above quote.
On an editorial note, can we pleeeease stop referring to sex workers as disease spreaders? As if the clients have no part in this!
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 5:29 PM on August 30, 2010
There is a whole lot to unpack there. Are you setting unrealistic standards for the women you want to date? Because it sounds like there are women who are interested in you, but you find them unworthy. I'm not sure how paying someone for sex is gonna change that. Is that supposed to give you the courage to ask out your idealized woman or something?
I would tell you to, say, try something new where you interact with people outside your usual social circle or go on some internet dates, but that's not gonna help until you get to a point where you're not thinking in the terms you describe in the above quote.
On an editorial note, can we pleeeease stop referring to sex workers as disease spreaders? As if the clients have no part in this!
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 5:29 PM on August 30, 2010
On an editorial note, can we pleeeease stop referring to sex workers as disease spreaders? As if the clients have no part in this!
Even putting aside the fairness of singling out the provider I'm not sure the facts bear out the accusation. If you exclude street walkers, I mean, and it's pretty clear that's not something the OP is even considering (and rightly so). Everything I've read indicates that the correlation mostly has to do with using intravenous drugs or crack rather than being a sex worker per se... it's just that prostitutes who work the street are hugely more likely than the average to use those types of drugs. But since that's not what the OP is talking about it is irrelevant.
posted by Justinian at 6:01 PM on August 30, 2010
Even putting aside the fairness of singling out the provider I'm not sure the facts bear out the accusation. If you exclude street walkers, I mean, and it's pretty clear that's not something the OP is even considering (and rightly so). Everything I've read indicates that the correlation mostly has to do with using intravenous drugs or crack rather than being a sex worker per se... it's just that prostitutes who work the street are hugely more likely than the average to use those types of drugs. But since that's not what the OP is talking about it is irrelevant.
posted by Justinian at 6:01 PM on August 30, 2010
Your future partners need to know if you have contracted an STI. Full stop.
Wrong. Your future partners are not just entitled to know your STI status, but they are entitled to know if you have ever engaged in any risky behavior. That includes intravenous drug use as well as visits to prostitutes as well as a whole host of other things. If you don't ask these questions, I believe that you have received back information about risk factors.
posted by micawber at 6:11 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Wrong. Your future partners are not just entitled to know your STI status, but they are entitled to know if you have ever engaged in any risky behavior. That includes intravenous drug use as well as visits to prostitutes as well as a whole host of other things. If you don't ask these questions, I believe that you have received back information about risk factors.
posted by micawber at 6:11 PM on August 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I see you mention online dating but say "No luck there."
Here's what I would encourage you to do, if you're not doing this already:
posted by Deathalicious at 6:52 PM on August 30, 2010
Here's what I would encourage you to do, if you're not doing this already:
- Even if romance and marriage is all about finding "the one", dating is a numbers game. Ask as many people out on the online dating site as you can. Focus on two things: marginal attractiveness and compatibility. Many people don't look good in photos, so at least wait until you meet someone in person to decide if you're physically attracted to them or not. Make sure to pick someone who has similar interests or attitudes so you can have fun together.
- Go out on dates. Make them dates. Try to be casual when setting them up, but make sure it's clear it's a date and not just a "hey maybe we can meet somewhere random". The key is that the relationship has to start from a "dating" standpoint otherwise you might only be friends, which can be fun but isn't what you need right now. This means...
- Try to introduce physicality early on. It doesn't have to be actual touching to start. It can just be eye contact and smiling. But try to be sexy and to let them know that you find them sexy. A blind date can be overwhelming or scary, but mumbling, looking at your feet, etc. are not going to help you. Think happy, confident thoughts.
- If you seem to be getting along, add a little mild physicality. Touch them gently in neutral places like their back or shoulder.
- In general, I'd say getting to a kiss by the end of the second date is probably a good idea. Otherwise it's just too easy for it to become hanging out instead of dating.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:52 PM on August 30, 2010
Oh! And to answer your specific question, don't go for the sex worker. If it's physical contact you're really after I can't help but wonder that you might feel the experience seems a bit empty afterwords.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:54 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Deathalicious at 6:54 PM on August 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I say go ahead and try it. A lot of people here are warning you about things that might happen, and some of them might be right. But, with the exception of arrest and disease (and obviously you need to take precautions about both of those) none of them really amount to much more than you not liking it very much. Shit, you could go on twenty dates with someone, have sex, and feel empty afterwards if something isn't right. If you don't like it, don't go again. Assuming you don't have problems with compulsive behavior in general, I think the odds of you suddenly becoming sex-worker-depended after just trying this out are pretty low. You might feel bad, but you can't always avoid doing things because you might feel bad. This isn't crack cocaine we're talking about. You're a grownup (presumably), so treat yourself like one.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:22 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:22 PM on August 30, 2010
She cannot get over your one indiscretion (for a variety of reasons: treating a woman in this way (regardless of whether or not the woman is choosing this as her profession - this is a moot point for some people viewing this kind of "transaction"), having unsafe sex (regardless of how safe you make it - she's still a sex worker), I could go on and on
This is not true of all women. I once dated someone who lost his virginity to a prostitute. It felt 'better' to me at the time than when I found my first boyfriend lost his virginity in a drunken one-night stand. Basically, although using prostitutes undoubtedly carries a stigma, you don't know what people will react negatively to. A couple of acquaintances are sex-workers and extremely happy doing it - it doesn't need to be an exploitative or misogynist transaction.
posted by mippy at 8:06 AM on August 31, 2010
This is not true of all women. I once dated someone who lost his virginity to a prostitute. It felt 'better' to me at the time than when I found my first boyfriend lost his virginity in a drunken one-night stand. Basically, although using prostitutes undoubtedly carries a stigma, you don't know what people will react negatively to. A couple of acquaintances are sex-workers and extremely happy doing it - it doesn't need to be an exploitative or misogynist transaction.
posted by mippy at 8:06 AM on August 31, 2010
I think zia is operating under a common misconception that sex workers are employed by only a small number of desperate, lonely men. This is understandable because of the stigma attached. Hell, I have trouble destigmatizing the idea in my head and I'm as socially civil libertarian as they come and think any voluntary transaction should be fully legal. So I'm not criticizing.
But all the stats point to this being a lot more common than I think most people realize. The most recent numbers I've seen are that something like 16% of men (in modern western nations like the USA or Australia) will admit in a poll that they've engaged the services of a prostitute. That's the dudes who don't lie about it. Kinsey estimated that 69% (yes, you read that right) of white males in the USA had engaged the services of a prostitute at least once. That absolutely sounds high to me and was in 1948 to boot but it gives you an idea of the scale we're talking about.
So this isn't something only a small minority of creepy people do. The lower bound is about 1 in 6 men, with the upper bound being 2/3.
Standard disclaimer: I am, of course, sure that we are all statistical outliers and no-one in this thread has ever participated in this activity.
posted by Justinian at 10:27 AM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
But all the stats point to this being a lot more common than I think most people realize. The most recent numbers I've seen are that something like 16% of men (in modern western nations like the USA or Australia) will admit in a poll that they've engaged the services of a prostitute. That's the dudes who don't lie about it. Kinsey estimated that 69% (yes, you read that right) of white males in the USA had engaged the services of a prostitute at least once. That absolutely sounds high to me and was in 1948 to boot but it gives you an idea of the scale we're talking about.
So this isn't something only a small minority of creepy people do. The lower bound is about 1 in 6 men, with the upper bound being 2/3.
Standard disclaimer: I am, of course, sure that we are all statistical outliers and no-one in this thread has ever participated in this activity.
posted by Justinian at 10:27 AM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, OP: Regardless of how common or uncommon your situation is you should make your decision based on personal factors. There are absolutely downsides to what you're considering. The stigma, for one. The illegality, for another. I think the disease aspect is a red herring as long as you use protection and aren't cruising the streets. It would be little different than looking for a one-night stand in terms of STDs. But the other factors are very real so please don't read my above as urging you to do anything. I'm just trying to present the facts as objectively as possible.
posted by Justinian at 10:29 AM on August 31, 2010
posted by Justinian at 10:29 AM on August 31, 2010
Paying someone to have sex with you is not going to alleviate your loneliness and could actually be somewhat damaging because it's not going to help you interact with women and might reinforce some negative ideas. What I mean by this is that, even though you are paying a sex worker for her services, you are essentially using her for sex. It reduces sex to a commodity and the sex worker to an object designed to get you off and this is why it might bother future partners; not because they associate the men who use sex workers as pathetic, but because men who use sex workers are very likely to view women and sex and relationships in ways that are not okay with some people. In paying someone for sex, you are basically saying that you don't care who you have sex with; you will have sex with a stranger, and even pay for it. Some people view sex as something a little more involved with another person and they likely will not feel special knowing that the person they've chosen was content to hire out intimacy.
posted by Polychrome at 11:13 AM on August 31, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Polychrome at 11:13 AM on August 31, 2010 [3 favorites]
Wrong. Your future partners are not just entitled to know your STI status, but they are entitled to know if you have ever engaged in any risky behavior. That includes intravenous drug use as well as visits to prostitutes as well as a whole host of other things. If you don't ask these questions, I believe that you have received back information about risk factors.
I can't possibly see why. If I engage in a risk factor, I have undergone risk. I haven't automatically become infected with something. If I am then tested and it turns out that I contracted zero diseases, then someone having sex with me past that point is in fact taking zero risk.
Let's take HIV as an example. To contract HIV, you need 3 things: one risky activity, one HIV-negative person, and one HIV-positive person. Let's say I am HIV-negative and had unprotected sex with an HIV-positive person. All the factors are in place. Then I go get tested and I test negative. If I then go and have unprotected sex with an HIV-negative person, all the factors are not in place. No one can contract HIV from me if I don't have it, no matter how risky the activity is.
So if my STI status is that I have nothing, that is all my future partners need to know—I am zero-risk. If my STI status is that I have herpes and HIV, that is also all my future partners need to know.
Disclosure of how I contracted something is not required information. Disclosure that they could contract something from me is required information.
posted by heatherann at 6:32 AM on September 2, 2010
I can't possibly see why. If I engage in a risk factor, I have undergone risk. I haven't automatically become infected with something. If I am then tested and it turns out that I contracted zero diseases, then someone having sex with me past that point is in fact taking zero risk.
Let's take HIV as an example. To contract HIV, you need 3 things: one risky activity, one HIV-negative person, and one HIV-positive person. Let's say I am HIV-negative and had unprotected sex with an HIV-positive person. All the factors are in place. Then I go get tested and I test negative. If I then go and have unprotected sex with an HIV-negative person, all the factors are not in place. No one can contract HIV from me if I don't have it, no matter how risky the activity is.
So if my STI status is that I have nothing, that is all my future partners need to know—I am zero-risk. If my STI status is that I have herpes and HIV, that is also all my future partners need to know.
Disclosure of how I contracted something is not required information. Disclosure that they could contract something from me is required information.
posted by heatherann at 6:32 AM on September 2, 2010
« Older How can one make "restaurant quality food" at home... | How to read personality in 30 seconds Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sciencegeek at 7:07 AM on August 30, 2010 [14 favorites]