No more hospital bed

August 3, 2010 7:06 AM

How to get a sex life back after illness?

Around six months ago, I was seriously ill. My partner had to take on quite a lot of serious care including bowel stuff. I'm essentially physically healed, but… She says that she can't see past that care that she had to provide. I understand that it was gross, but I'm not the kind of person that holds on to that discomfort—I don't think that it's wrong that she does, I just don't understand it, so I don't understand how to get over it.

I'm at a loss. I feel frozen out and impotent. She feels like I'm being dismissive of the problem. But I can either cry, shut down, or look for a solution.

Any advice for either of us?

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posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Time is your friend, I think. The more days that go by and she sees you as active and vigorous and attracted to her, the more that caregiving chapter will fade into the past.

I think that you need to just let it go for awhle. Take care of your own needs in that realm and be open to any affection that she has for/wants from you.

It will come back. . .and if it doesn't then you will know that you did the best thing to foster it.
posted by Danf at 7:13 AM on August 3, 2010

As a problem solver, I have learned, the hard way, that every problem my wife has is not necessarily something that I can (or that she wants me to) fix. Sorry, but sometimes the solution is to give it some time and let her get past it.

But if you want to try something proactive and not passive, then I suggest you show your appreciation for her care. Let her know how much it meant to you, how much it still means to you, and how lucky you feel to have her.

And think of ways you can thank her. Make her a nice dinner. Go see a chick flick with her. Take her to her favorite museum/garden/bookstore. Cuddle with her (with no expectations).

Do things that show your appreciation for the wonderful spouse she is, and remind her of the wonderful spouse that you are. Once she remembers that, I bet she forgets the other stuff.
posted by I am the Walrus at 7:14 AM on August 3, 2010

I feel for you; my ex-husband sustained a rather nasty burn on his genitals that necessitated my care and my getting over his helplessness. The injury happened before we married (and the marriage ended due to unrelated issues), so it is possible to get past the weirdness of it, but it takes time.

His injury was smelly and messy, so the ick factor was there. However, the hardest thing for me to get past was his helplessness and his reaction to being injured. I can still hear his scream.

What I had to do was let him care for me. He had to keep trying, keep reaching out. (My caregiving was less than six weeks long, so I expect time will be a huge factor in your case.) Our physical intimacy was backrubs and snuggling for quite a while (his injury making us both scared of his sensitivity, etc.) I also had to see him become the strong, capable person that he was before I he was so helpless and dependent.

I hope this helps a little -- it would be nice to know that that awful time with him had some benefit.
posted by kidelo at 7:24 AM on August 3, 2010 [3 favorites]

I disagree with the Walrus. As much as showing appreciation will be good for your relationship, those gestures will be directly associated with the time of your illness, which is exactly what you don't want when it comes your sexual relationship.

I think you need to turn a new page, reinvent yourself. People commonly do this after a long illness. Update your look, your aesthetic, your sexual interests. Follow different paths. Don't specifically engineer this change with her in mind, engineer it with yourself in mind -- what excites you, what turns you on about yourself. As you grow stronger, she'll be curious to see what's happening to you, and I think curiosity is the beginning of desire.
posted by hermitosis at 7:27 AM on August 3, 2010 [7 favorites]

There are many different ways to have sex (as Dan Savage would tell you). If she is troubled by lingering memories of your illness, maybe you should pretend to be someone else. This can be done in two ways: just assume a different identity and make it into a role playing game (you can even meet her for the first time in a restaurant, if you like). You can also change your actual appearance. You can work out and add muscle mass, get a sun tan, or whatever may appeal. Change your hair style. I cannot guarantee that this will appeal to her, but it is a possibility.
posted by grizzled at 7:29 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

I agree with kidelo. Even just a few days of caring for my partner (he had a fairly large skin cancer removal on his face) was a sudden change for us that I wasn't prepared to negotiate. It brought up a lot of feelings related to our relationship, our future together, our progress in life... phew!

So here I was, seeing him in pain, both of us worrying about CANCER OH NOOO and being shoved into the wound care role (which I had no problem with, but the nurse was just sort of like HERE'S HIS GIANT OPEN WOUND THAT YOU WILL NOW MAINTAIN FOR HIM DON'T FUCK IT UP NOW), and running myself ragged trying to be Florence Nightengale. He didn't need super-intense care, but I wanted to give him the best I could because he's so good with me when I'm feeling down. We couldn't even see or touch each other while sleeping, because he slept on the couch so as not to roll over. That's a powerful, powerful loss, particularly if you're very touch-oriented. And this was only with an easily repairable facial injury!

I finally broke down and said, "Look, I know you need me here, but I'm not used to the care dynamic being so far on this side, and I need some special time of my own." So I got some hardcore snuggles in, and gradually we started feeling more normal. It was an essential part of his recovery.

Take some time to respect her boundaries but give her some intense care and intimacy. You don't even have to uncover or use the parts that she had to clean! Make it all about her -- if she'll let you do so. I'm sure it's not just about the physical and "grossness" aspect of what happened. Just give her time and care.
posted by Madamina at 8:01 AM on August 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

So, I'm unclear, it was six months ago since you were all better or six months ago you got sick and it's only been recently that things have been back to "normal?" If it's been six months since you've been back to your old self, I think you need to really be more proactive in getting on the same page. This may require marriage counseling as I think this goes beyond a caregiver role.

I once cared for my husband over a long period of time when he broke his collarbone. Caring for him wasn't a problem but switching over to intimacy took time. I just couldn't seem to care for all his bodily needs *and* add sex to the mix. It was just too much for me. However, it wasn't long after he was better and stronger and able to care for himself more and care for me that things got back to normal. (Let me tell you, having him painstakingly make and bring me coffee in the morning one-handed was a sweet and romantic gesture after needing to wake up several times a night to help him in and out of bed.)

It really surprised me at the time how much that time affected me. While I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it, it was very difficult in a number of ways. It really messes with you and your relationship.

I agree with hermitosis, but this is always my standard advice for relationship ruts which is just what you've got here. Shake things up! Make new! Like a phoenix! ;)
posted by amanda at 8:37 AM on August 3, 2010

I feel for you and your partner. If your partner is anything like me, becoming a caregiver can feel like losing a part of yourself. It is easy to give yourself over to caretaking, sublimating your own needs and concerns as your partner's health becomes the paramount concern of the relationship. As the ill partner loses touch with their own body, so the caretaker loses touch with themselves. And now that you're well again and her duties as caregiver have disappeared, perhaps your partner is feeling lost.

You need to reconnect to each other, but first, you may want to reconnect to yourselves. For you, perhaps this means reconnecting to your body now that it has mostly recovered. Going to the gym and getting ripped abs, or taking long nature walks. And reconnecting to yourself might mean pursuing a forgotten passion, like writing your novel, or building steampunk furniture, or whatever. This will give your partner the time and space to rediscover herself, and it will also allow her to view you with a new perspective. Right now, it sounds like she's feeling traumatized and unable to see you without seeing the scary illness. A little space should help that. Don't take it too far, though. Too much space and you'll disconnect from each other completely.
posted by Lieber Frau at 10:06 AM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

Maybe you should both give yourself permission to reboot the romantic side of your relationship. Let me be clear: I have never gone through what you have gone through in your relationship. Therefore I don't have any special degree of empathy or insight. But part of me wonders if opening a bottle of wine and watching Love Actually on a Friday night could begin to make both of you feel "normal" again.
posted by quadog at 10:48 AM on August 3, 2010

Did she care for you in your own home? Maybe a change of scenery might help. Can you redecorate, buy new sheets, basically turn her associations of your home from sick room back to love nest?

Maybe a weekend away might help rekindle things. Particularly nice might be a hotel room with a sexy whirlpool bath to luxuriate in. Knowing that you are freshly squeaky-clean from the bath may help her disassociate your nether parts from their elimination function. (Not suggesting that you are not clean now, but even a tiny whiff of anything in that area could bring unpleasant visuals to mind for her.)

I like the idea of reinventing yourself as people have said above, for your own enjoyment as well as to help your partner see you with fresh perspective. It would also be good if you could take over a share of the household duties as soon as you are able, if you are not already. She's probably been subconsciously seeing you as childlike and helpless, but once you fully resume your adult role in the household she should gradually start seeing you in a different light.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:53 AM on August 3, 2010

I highly recommend reading Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship by David Schnarch. He's a clinical psychologist who writes about the interaction between physical issues and psychological issues in causing sexual difficulties.

Other thoughts:

i) I really think seeing a relationship counsellor together would be helpful for you.

ii) If your wife doesn't want to go to a relationship counsellor with you, would she consider seeking individual counselling on her own? You were seriously ill - do you mean seriously ill enough that she might have had fears for your life? fears about you becoming permanently disabled?

If so, that's a lot for her to work through and she may still be processing all her emotions.

iii) I think the people who are talking about reconnecting with your wife in a nonsexual way are onto something.

Could you do a journey of discovery together - taking a cooking class or wine tasting course together, going on holiday together, learning to tango, taking up a new hobby together? I think something new and shared will help you rediscover each other and rebuild intimacy in a way that will help you rebuild your sex life.

iv) nonsexual expression of affection is a really good start here. Can you rub your wifes feet, rub her neck and shoulders, hug her, cuddle her - without any expectation at all of it leading to sex, purely as an expression of affection, love, appreciation?
posted by Year of meteors at 5:53 PM on August 3, 2010