How can I get excited about having kids

July 29, 2010 8:06 AM

Help me understand the joy/value/satisfaction of having children

My wife and I have been married for about seven years now. Both in our late 20's, she has reached the age where having a child is her number one priority. I am not there yet.

I like kids. I have worked at a youth camp, co-led youth groups, even worked with juvenile delinquents. I consider myself well versed in the art of dealing with middle/high school age kids. I just don't have a strong desire to bring a little baby into the world. I should point out my experience with babies is nil. In fact, I have always avoided them at all cost.
So I'm at a point where I wish I was more excited about having a kid. We are going to start trying, which is fine, I'm just not as excited as I would like to be. I like my life the way it is.

Is this normal? I'm a few months from 30. What's wrong with me?
How can I get to a place where I'm as excited as she is?

posted by anonymous to human relations (47 answers total)

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a man.

There is nothing that anyone can say that is going to make a lightbulb go off. But I can almost guarnatee that the first time you hold your infant child, the lightbulb will go off.
posted by Flood at 8:13 AM on July 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

You can make babies all the live long day (aka you're entire life).

Your wife's got a biological clock and it's ticking. For her, it's a much more urgent desire. I also imagine your wife wants to be young enough and energetic enough to raise a child.

That doesn't mean you're wrong or broken. I think this is much more simple then anything, have you ever asked yourself:

Do I want to have kids?
posted by royalsong at 8:14 AM on July 29, 2010

I like my life the way it is.
This is the strongest possible evidence that you'll like your life as a father, too.

Is this normal?
Sure. People have all kinds of feelings about kids.

How can I get to a place where I'm as excited as she is?
Have the baby. Everybody feels differently about their own baby than about abstract future babies or other people's actual babies.
posted by escabeche at 8:15 AM on July 29, 2010 [5 favorites]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a man.

Disliking babies is gender-neutral. I am a woman who firmly intends never to have children. There are also plenty of men who are gung-ho about reproducing.

That said, as a person with no experience in these things, I think you will probably find yourself more excited when you actually see and hold your own progeny.
posted by Lobster Garden at 8:18 AM on July 29, 2010 [21 favorites]

There is NOTHING AT ALL wrong with you. When I found out I was pregnant, I slapped on a false smile... then I sobbed. Internally, at first, but eventually externally. I was horrified. I was sure I'd wrecked my comfortable, easy life. And this was an INTENTIONAL pregnancy, no less - this was "what we both wanted".

When my son was first born, I didn't have the instantaneous rush of warm, gooey bonding chemicals... he looked like an angry anime character and I was exhausted to the point of snapping.

And you know what? The other day, we were driving home from school. It was a breezy, sunny day. We were stopped at a traffic light, listening to music. He'd asked for Wilco's "I Am Trying to Break Your Heart" earlier, and when I peeked in my rearview mirror, he was sitting there, all gangly and shaggy-haired and wire-rimmed, warbling along with his song.

And I was so fucking rapturously happy and proud and filled to bursting with love that I couldn't stand it.

There is no way to get yourself pumped up to have a baby. There's no way to really make yourself fall in love with the IDEA of a kid, or even an ACTUAL kid. But you know what? It happens (unless you're a sociopath, and the fact that you're worried about it is a good sign that you are NOT), and when it does, loving your kid is one of the most intense, awesome experiences there is. It's not the ONLY one, but damn, it's a pretty fantastic one.
posted by julthumbscrew at 8:20 AM on July 29, 2010 [36 favorites]

I was the one that took more convincing in our relationship. One thing that made me go for it was a small comment from a high school teacher of mine, remembered from almost 20 years earlier. Basically, it was that people who don't have children miss out on a lot of the human experience.

That's not unassailable, because raising one or more children means missing out on other opportunities, but it is true that not raising a child means that you will miss out on many experiences that were shared with millennia of human beings leading up to your arrival.

Plus, it turns out that my kid is ridiculously cute.
posted by NortonDC at 8:21 AM on July 29, 2010 [5 favorites]

Well, first, lots of people who enjoy children don't like babies. Even as someone who loves smushy babies I can recognize that babies are generally pretty much the same until they're two or three years old, and actually fairly dull and stressful to be around for extended periods of time.

That said, your baby might seem fascinating to you when he or she is born, so maybe you're in luck. Definitely air out
these fears with your wife right now, so you can discuss a game
plan if you don't automatically bond with the kid. Is she okay being the Parent In Charge for the baby years? Some couples naturally fall into this pattern, some are happy with the arrangement, and sometimes this dynamic breeds resentment and accusations.

Regardless of what advice and anecdata you'll get in this thead,
please please talk to your wife about these anxieties before you start trying.
posted by zoomorphic at 8:21 AM on July 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

I like my life the way it is.
This is the strongest possible evidence that you'll like your life as a father, too.

why is that true? i would have thought it indicated that he might not?

You really have to ask yourself if you want kids. At all? Or maybe just later? And you need to be very clear with your wife about how you feel and why. Her clock can tick, but until you're into it, I would advise she slow down.

Of course most anecdotes that I've heard say that even if you were resistant to having a child, seeing your kid for the first time, etc, etc kind of makes it all ok. I don't think that's a good enough excuse/reason to just go along if you're unsure about having a baby right now. You are permanently changing your life. Forever. And you need to be ready for it, if you can be.
posted by itsacover at 8:24 AM on July 29, 2010 [7 favorites]

Here's a recent article reviewing some studies on people's feelings about the long-term and short-term pleasures and frustrations of parenting.
posted by scrambles at 8:28 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

Like orgasms much? That's your body's incentive to you to get you to even attempt to have children. Now imagine you have a child. Your body (DNA, genes, whatever) wants to give you incentive to keep and raise that child. It won't be like an orgasm that lasts for years (who could raise a child through that?), but the chemicals released in your brain and the pleasure centers activated when you hold your child are unlike anything else you have ever experienced.

Someone should bottle that shit and sell it.
posted by Mountain Goatse at 8:28 AM on July 29, 2010 [8 favorites]

Is this normal?

Yep.

I'm a few months from 30. What's wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing. Babies are insanely difficult to deal with, scary as fuck to think about, and they shit and puke 24/7. For the first few years just keeping them from dying is part of the job, they will very probably mess with your wife's (and your) emotions for several months before and after they are born, you will suffer from lack of sleep, your social and sex life will most likely suffer for a while, you will have no control over your time, and your life will change in a lot of ways that you can't even imagine.

How can I get to a place where I'm as excited as she is?

If you're like most people, within an hour, a day, a month, or a year after having a child, one day you will look down at him or her and think "Oh my god, this is MINE. I made this. This is AWESOME!" and you will love it like nothing else you've ever loved in life.

Parenting is hard. I'm a happy parent and I'll be the first to say it's not for everyone, in fact I think a lot of people should NOT be parents. But I also think it's amazingly enjoyable, full of surprises, and something that is unlike just about anything else a human can experience. This is not a new car or a house, this is something that you created (granted, in your case it was probably somewhat easy and enjoyable) and that shares your DNA. You'll have a special bond to it that will (most likely) make you enjoy it by default.

My wife as an elementary school teacher who had very little experience with babies and was downright frightened of any kid under age seven or so. She adapted to having a baby rather quickly.

The neat thing about kids is they're always changing. Don't care for babies? Wait a while and you'll have a toddler. Prefer teenagers? Give it time, it'll be there before you know it.

It should like from your post you and your wife have discussed having kids and you know you're going to have them, it's just scaring you. That's totally normal. If neither of you wanted kids but you felt like you had to have them for some reason I'd probably try to talk you out of it.

I guess my point is having a kid is like going into combat. It's scary, you can't fully prepare for it, and nobody can adequately explain what it's like. You just have to find out for yourself.

If you're like most people, you'll adapt quickly and end up loving the hell out of being a parent.
posted by bondcliff at 8:35 AM on July 29, 2010 [3 favorites]

I'm a woman, but felt exactly like you did about having kids. I had pretty much zero baby experience too. When I got pregnant it wasn't exactly planned. We weren't trying, but it wasn't too huge of a bummer either since my husband at the time had wanted one last child (he has two others).

I seriously thought something was wrong with me. Throughout most of my pregnancy I was surprised how abstract having a baby felt. I think everyone else was way more excited than I was. All of this was complicated by the fact that I had an uncomfortable and sort of difficult pregnancy. I didn't enjoy being pregnant too much. I was mostly ambivalent about the whole experience.

This is probably going to sound awful, but I was actually dreading my due date because I was I wasn't going to love my baby when it was born, or maybe even worse. Maybe I was going to hate it, or maybe I was going to be indifferent to it. I felt like a monster. I thought I was going to be a terrible parent.

But it turned out ok. My daughter is 7 now, and she's one of the most awesome people ever. Seriously, she is just so cool. Sometimes I look at her in awe and I'm like, "Holy crap, I helped make that person!" I have to admit I like older kids better than babies, but all those parental instincts kicked in and I still loved and bonded with my baby like how you're supposed to.

Even after having a baby, I still don't find them all that interesting though. It's ok to not be totally into babies. That doesn't mean you won't love your own kid.
posted by howrobotsaremade at 8:37 AM on July 29, 2010

Like you, I like kids. So when the idea of having one was proposed, I went along with it, thinking -- I'm a little 'meh' on babies, but infancy doesn't last long...

But, MY baby! Now, there was an infant among infants, a sterling little tot who was a source of daily amazement from the moment of birth. W o w . And I got to nurture this little package of wonderful -- remarkable!

That said, I am still a little 'meh' on babies -- though much more aware of the meaning of them. I was not excited until the moment I saw her, at which point I said (possibly rather surprised) 'But, she's perfect!' Up until that point I had been making bad jokes about fetuses, though, with nary a belly-rub nor softly lit maternity portrait.

Your feelings towards the world of infants and pregnancy and your feelings towards your own child will not necessarily have anything at all to do with each other.
posted by kmennie at 8:38 AM on July 29, 2010

Aside from all of the "when it's YOUR child, you'll feel differently" and the knowledge that it just doesn't happen for some people, I'd encourage you to spend more time around kids and babies. If you've never been around babies, that's a hell of a learning curve, even over nine months. Just learning how to relax is an essential skill, even if you don't end up parenting yourself.

I'm trying to work myself up to parenting within the next 5 years or so, so I try to babysit or at least hold my friends' kids as much as possible. I had never really felt a maternal urge, but now that I'm with a good partner it seems like a possibility. And, really, that's all I want -- to know that when I get to the point where I'm able to make the choice to be a parent or not, I've gotten as much information as I can.
posted by Madamina at 8:51 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

Previously and previously.
posted by randomname25 at 8:53 AM on July 29, 2010

I can't teach you to be excited about kids, but I can share my perspective as someone who was not convinced they wanted to have children and now have two daughters, ages 4 and 6.

What I was concerned about before I had children was that they were going to seriously screw up a life that I thoroughly enjoyed for its spontaneity. I was afraid that I'd go from being the master of what I wanted to do to a slave to the desire and needs of my children.

Here's what happened: they did completely mess up that existence. My wife and I used to head to the movies 5 minutes after deciding to go to the movies. We'd stay up late socializing and drinking with good friends. We'd travel to exotic locations with minimal planning. Now, we plan to go to a movie weeks in advance and pay babysitters huge sums just to watch the latest crap from hollywood in a dark room with strangers. We have a 5pm cocktail on our own to take the edge off the transition between work and kids and are in bed by 10 because we're completely out of gas. If we do travel, it's a whole different ballgame: campgrounds and water parks instead of Mexico or New Zealand.

HOWEVER, here's the thing...if I'm away from my kids for more than a day or two, the longing to see them approaches physical pain. I look at pictures of them at any stage of their life and I well up with heartfelt tears. My old, wonderful existence is gone (at least for now), but I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING.
posted by mcstayinskool at 8:58 AM on July 29, 2010 [4 favorites]

There are risks involved in having a child. Children don't always turn out well. Parents don't always like their own children, and sometimes dislike them to the point of murdering them (or in other cases, are murdered by them). And even if children do turn out well, there are still risks. Perfectly good children sometimes suffer tragic early deaths or terrible illness, etc. Parents tend to be traumatised by that.

But I could equally well say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Everything in life involves some risk. The relationship between a parent and a child is unique; no other relationship is as important. Most parents believe that raising children is their single greatest accomplishment in life (even Barack Obama has stated that his children are more important to him than his job as President). So, there is good reason to give it a try if you are up to the challenge.
posted by grizzled at 9:00 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

Kids are great but sometimes they can cause heartbreak. They go wrong. They make you regret parenthood. So don't have any and you will not have problems. But then marriage often goes bad and causes great anxiety and problems. Don't get married. Stay single and avoid those potential problems. And friends? Let you down as often as not. Don't have any friends and you will not have this as a potential problem. Now you are free and, as Janis sang: Freedom is just another word for Nothing Left to Lose.
posted by Postroad at 9:04 AM on July 29, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm going to echo what others have said - There's nothing wrong with you.

Being a parent is (often simultaneously) the most rewarding thing and the most trying thing you will ever do. I'm not gonna lie - my son is 15, and I'm not sure I'd do all over again either. You're right to have doubts. It's a big decision.

That having been said, perhaps will will help to not think of it as a twenty year commitment to raise a child, and think instead of a 1 year commitment to a newborn, a 1 year commitment to 1 year old infant, a 1 year commitment to a 2 year old toddler.... and so on.

Which is to say that your life will change. And then change again. And then change some more. But, this was happening already and you just didn't notice it so much. Point is, yes your life will change, but it will anyway.

Anyway, you are at a point where you need to, for your wife, shit or get off the pot. It's good you are aware of your feelings and doubts. I would talk with your wife about them, or maybe a counselor, if you can't make your peace with them.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 9:07 AM on July 29, 2010

You don't like babies. That's okay, they don't stay babies for long. They turn into kids who turn into teenagers who turn into adults. I have always, always said that I'm not raising children, I'm raising future adults. Now, that doesn't mean we didn't haul out the Playdoh or turn rocks over in the yard or splash in the ocean or blow bubbles for hours or sing silly songs together. It just means that infancy/childhood/adolescence really doesn't last long. Hell, my oldest is 13 and about to start 8th grade. I only have 5 more years until he's off to college! And the last 13 years fucking FLEW by; I can't imagine how fast these 5 are going to go.

My babies were the most beautiful, fascinating, intelligent, clever, and fun babies ever to exist, regardless of what anyone else thinks. And you'll likely feel the same way about your baby. My toddlers were amazing and funny, my elementary-aged kids were/are absolutely a joy to be around, and my teenager? So awesome. We share a love for music and movies and The Daily Show and travel. I never, ever thought being a parent could be this much fun. But it is! It's hard, it can be heartbreaking, but man. The joy is so, so worth it.
posted by cooker girl at 9:13 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't have children. I probably won't because I'm nearing advanced maternal age and I'm still not where I wish we were financially and in our careers.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a man.

This isn't true and I've seen it right here on MetaFilter. Men are sometimes insanely happy and excited about having a baby. It's not a "no men are ever excited about babies" kind of thing. That's not true.

So I'm at a point where I wish I was more excited about having a kid. We are going to start trying, which is fine, I'm just not as excited as I would like to be. I like my life the way it is.

Does your wife know that you aren't that excited about trying to have a kid or having a kid? If she knew, she might be less excited by the idea.

Overall, I wouldn't worry about it. Your baby is going to love you so much and you're going to love him/her/it so much. Remember how much your parents loved you? You're actually going to know that feeling!
posted by anniecat at 9:16 AM on July 29, 2010

I was never a big fan of kids of any age up to about 12 yrs old. Had nothing to say to toddlers, had no interest in cooing over whatever infant came into our office. But I always knew that I wanted to parent a child. I knew I would make a great mom. Like kmennie said, "But, MY baby! Now, there was an infant among infants, a sterling little tot who was a source of daily amazement from the moment of birth. W o w . And I got to nurture this little package of wonderful -- remarkable!" That's exactly how it was for me. To this day almost 10 years later, that kid is the most fascinating thing in the world to me. I was never that wild about kids before, but now I cannot believe it's possible to love as much as I love him.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 9:22 AM on July 29, 2010

Help me understand the joy/value/satisfaction of having children

How about some cute baby pictures? (we always get kitteh pictures; I don't really like cats, grar).
posted by CathyG at 9:27 AM on July 29, 2010

It's possible that you don't think you have a biological clock, and so you don't feel any urgency about having kids, whereas it has likely been drilled into your wife's brain that her biological clock is ticking, so she does feel a sense of ugency. If you believed that you only had 5 more good years to conceive a child, might you feel a twinge of wanting kids? You could try playing around with that hypothetical and see where it takes you. Because it does appear that you have a biological clock, and it does appear to be ticking.

In any case, there's nothing wrong with you! And you probably will love your kid to pieces when you have him/her.
posted by n'muakolo at 9:32 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

Nthing "there is not one damn thing wrong with you." My husband and I have one child and are about 2/3 of the way along with our second. I wanted to have a baby like Gollum wanted the ring; it utterly consumed me. My husband? Enh. I mean yes, he wanted a kid, but not as fervently as I did; after our second miscarriage, he held me as I sobbed and asked him if this blood-soaked hospital gown made my butt look big and he comforted me, and he was a little off for the next couple days, but he didn't grieve the way I did. With our daughter, he came along to all the OB appointments, dutifully grinned at the ultrasound, got excited about having a girl, &c. . . but it was still really abstract to him.

when I was delivering her, he was watching her gradually enter the world, and he said gleefully "I see a head!" Then, a minute later, he said even more gleefully "I see an ear! A tiny ear!" And then, as she came sliding out, he uttered this totally awestruck, soft, hushed "oh my god," and they gave her to me and he crouched next to us going "oh my god oh my god oh my god. Oh, oh my god." That was the sound his brain made as it got re-worked from Dude to Dad.

A year or so later, he was answering some dumb Facebook quiz, and one of the questions was "Any regrets?" He answered "Now that I've met my daughter, I would not change one single thing about my life until the day she was born, for fear that even the tiniest change would disrupt the universe and I'd never get to be a part of this amazing person's life." So, yeah. Not to say it's different when it's your own. . . but it totally is.
posted by KathrynT at 9:45 AM on July 29, 2010 [17 favorites]

You are normal.
It's a huge step with no takebacks (there's no divorcing your kids until they're 18 if you hate it).
If someone asked you, "Don't you want a roommate that doesn't pay his or her share of the rent, keeps you up at all hours of the night, makes you readjust your schedule, demands you deal in things like feces and old milk spitup, will steal all the attention when you go out to dinner with friends -- except for those friends who are uncomfortable with the roommate so much that they start avoiding you?" you honestly wouldn't sign up for that crap.

Except.

I don't know you, what you're like, how you'll react. I'll tell you about me.

I never wanted a baby. I wanted a kid. For all the stupid reasons a young person wants a kid -- I like cartoons and toys and making funny faces at small people and going to arcades and all that jazz.

Fast forward to pregnancy, about 7 months in. I talk, it kicks. I sing, it kicks. By the end of the pregnancy, I can tickle its foot through my body lining. This isn't love, mind you, this is novelty and horror.

Fast forward to birth. Daughter is born. Husband is absolutely in love and wrapped up in her. My first thought, "Oh crap. Why did I have a kid with him? I don't even know him that well." I hold the baby like an alien creature, but it needs feeding and all that. Everyone was all gushy about how I was the mommy now, blah, blah, but honestly, I didn't feel it. Wasn't into it. "OH CRAP I NEED TO SEND IT BACK BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SUCK AT THIS."

And then the baby got very, very sick and went to the neonatal intensive care and my now ex husband worried a bit and then said, "Well, I'm going home to get some sleep" and my mom, the now grandma said, "Take the opportunity to get some rest" and the nurses took it away. And I thought, "Oh crap. It needs me." (Yes, in my head I still said it.)

It didn't really need me. But it did. So I sat by the fishtank looking thing and read out loud Frog and Toad are Friends and Rudyard Kipling's Just So Stories. I didn't love the baby, but it was defenseless and no one was there for it and it was really sick.

Then, she got better and I took her home and I was alone with her and I stared at her and thought, "Oh man. Who are you? We have nothing in common." I was bored. Babies are boring. They cry. They poop. They sleep. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I felt needed, but I didn't really love her. (Yes, this makes me a monster.)

Then, around 6 weeks old, I was crying (because oh crap what did I get myself into I'm a poop cleaning slave to a pink thing that thinks I'm its food and transport device) and patting the baby on the back to burp it. And she patted me on the back.

Sure, sure. Monkey mimicry and all that. But I fell in love. Deep, scary, can't breathe, I'd do anything and die for you love. All the love I'd ever felt for my spouse across the years rolled up into one ball of kick you in the ass.

My daughter is almost 11 now. She is an awesome human being. I mean, truly awesome. She cracks me up with stupid jokes, tells me her secrets, lets me drag her to boring lectures and then snarks about it, steals my comic books, spends all her allowance at Maker's Fair and then convinces my husband that he needs to do the soldering for her. And I love her more than I've ever loved anything or anyone else in this entire world. I might not really have understood love before I fell in love with her -- like she was a cheat code that unlocked a boss level of love.

And when I see my mom's eyes in her, my dad's hands, see my ex-sister-in-law's nose wrinkle or here my own snarky laugh come from her mouth, there's this weird spark of magic and almost genetic in-joke that fills me with all the love I've ever had for any of them too.

I'm still not a big fan of babies in general. But I like them now. I rock them for new moms who don't quite have the hang of the hip swing yet that magically puts them to sleep. I know when the kid at the next table is crying for tiredness or wetness or just "I don't want to be in a restaurant." I'm proud of myself when I am a good mom and I'm proud of my daughter for the person she's becoming.

My ex-husband was not a kid person, at all really. And now, well, the man's head over heels, excited to show her national parks, have her learn piano and surfing so she has an amazing life, desperately in love with someone who thinks that its OK to leave a wet towel on a wooden floor or sneak a flashlight under the blankets to read after bed time. And that's awesome.

So, I can't guarantee you'll adore parenting. But I can say I do in ways I never expected.
posted by Gucky at 9:58 AM on July 29, 2010 [27 favorites]

I believe the value to a parent of having children is all it teaches about loving.
posted by Anitanola at 10:27 AM on July 29, 2010

Laughing because I read Gucky only after I posted. My "baby" is fifty now and I know for sure it's all about love.
posted by Anitanola at 10:35 AM on July 29, 2010

Don't worry, for men it's like a switch. For me it was the first time our day old new born grabbed my pinkie with her little hand.
Also they smell even better than puppies.
posted by Dr.Pill at 10:38 AM on July 29, 2010

I'll echo the excellent replies above. Don't worry about not feeling it.

[secular translator]
Parenting is a totally unique way to connect with life and ultimate meaning. Parenting makes you a contributor, your life for another's, in a profound way. You die to yourself in certain ways, embrace uncertainties and fears and suffering and limitations, and in doing so give your life to someone else in a way that keeps the whole world new. The world would suck without new life, I'd imagine, so I'm happy to be a contributor.

I tell my oldest children that you don't finish growing up until you find a way to give your life for others. Being a parent is the biologically most accessible way to do that.

But there are other ways to give your life for others' lives. My brother and sister-in-law had an aversion to babies but, like you, were quite accomplished in working with older children. So they adopted a sibling group of older children who needed a new home. Personally, I'd rather deal with diapers and puke than navigate the issues of older children with baggage from a neglectful and abusive home, but that's me and not them.

I have four kids and, while I am a big believer in parenting, I only "feel it" a small amount of the time. But one feeling I can always access is this idea that parenthood connects me to the Big Picture of life, that I have a place, and that my life has context and meaning.

And finally, I always say that I am glad that I did not venture into adulthood without children to protect me. My children keep me humble, they challenge me in unexpected ways, they keep me connected to my own inner child. I'm glad my children don't let me stay comfortable for too long, because that's where ultimate danger lies.
[/secular translator]
posted by cross_impact at 10:41 AM on July 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

My wife has mixed feelings about this whole "baby" thing, too, though we are looking at having a kid in the near future, and we're near your age. Me? I'm kind of excited. And scared. Worried at times. But pretty excited. I've seen couples who bond over little ones, and their life is pretty happy with the little nuisances, and I've seen couples who question their marriages because of how the baby fits into what they thought they had.

As long as you're comfortable with the idea of shaping your life around someone else, someone who is useless and needy for a few years, and will still take up much of your time. As long as you can support your wife through the baby stages, and are willing to deal with the mucky parts, you will survive to the parts you feel comfortable with. My mother-in-law is the same way, and she had four daughters. They all survived through baby-hood, and now they're self-sufficient adults who can hold a coherent conversation and dress themselves, amongst other useful feats.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:59 AM on July 29, 2010

It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. Not wanting to have children is perfectly normal, and awesome.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:26 AM on July 29, 2010 [4 favorites]

The takeaway quote from the NY Mag article that scrambles linked above: “They’re a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to shit.”
posted by nicwolff at 12:01 PM on July 29, 2010

For what it's worth, one baby, tho lifechanging, does not affect your life THAT dramatically a few weeks or months in. They're portable, etc.

Now, if and when you were to have baby number two, all bets are off. ;-)

(I'm a grandma now. It's worth it.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:40 PM on July 29, 2010

Here's a book written by an advocate of the child free movement. I found it very illuminating.

I also have little to no desire to have a child. It might be because my own childhood was so miserable and I don't want to ruin some innocent kid's life as mine was ruined for a while. Kids are resilient, but the scars they get in childhood take a lot of time and therapy bills to get over.

It could also be because I like the freedom I have right now. All my friends (I'm 31, btw) alternate between "Hey, there was this cute thing my kid did" and "Why the hell did I have a child?" People with kids are also severely constrained as to where they can go and what they can do. You can't go on an impromptu road trip if Junior has a doctor's appointment the next morning.

Finally, there's the cost. I've read somewhere that it now costs $250K to raise a kid from birth to 18. Then, you factor in the cost of college, the kid moving back in with you after, etc. and the bill starts going up pretty fast. Then there's the emotional cost. How are you going to feel when it's 4.30am and your 15 year old daughter still hasn't come back from her date? How are you going to deal with Junior's burgeoning Oxycontin habit? What about when your kids emphatically tell you they hate you?

I've made an intellectual choice not to have kids. I know some guys like you amongst my friends. They're happy with their kids, but they also look back wistfully to their pre-kid days. Having a child is a total life changer. If you're not sure about it, think very hard about whether it's for you. Don't let your wife's desire to have one overcome your common sense.

I'll probably get a lot of flak for these views, but there are 2 sides to this coin. I'm just not willing to live my life for a kid. I have too much to do as it is.
posted by reenum at 12:47 PM on July 29, 2010 [4 favorites]

Also: having a kid doesn't have to change your life 100%. You just have to work a LOT HARDER to have an interesting, engaged life outside of your kids once they arrive. It's a trade-off, but in the end, you can choose to let them consume your every moment before falling into a coma at the end of the day, or you can carve out space for yourself.

Personally? I've been on more road trips, made out with more boys, did more exciting thrilling dubiously-legal stuff since becoming a parent than I EVER did before. You know the phrase "live like you're dying"? When you have a kid, every nap (or every long weekend grandma can be connived into watching the kid) is lived to its absolute FULLEST.
posted by julthumbscrew at 1:08 PM on July 29, 2010 [3 favorites]

I don't mean to diminish the amazing responses above about how wonderful it is to have children. But it's not socially or emotionally acceptable to say you regret having your kids. So the answers you get will probably be skewed towards those who say it was the best decision ever.
posted by walla at 3:01 PM on July 29, 2010 [5 favorites]

reenum (and walla, somewhat), you're really not answering the question. The anonymous asker asked if it's normal to be unenthusiastic and asked how build more enthusiasm for the new life phase he and his wife have already decided to pursue. Sending him literature about not reproducing is in fact counter to his stated goal of building enthusiasm.

Your decisions are fine for yourself, but your post fails to answer the question and is therefore inappropriate here.
posted by NortonDC at 3:16 PM on July 29, 2010

Whatever you do, do not have a child simply because you feel you should, or because your wife feels you should. Have a child because you really want one, and because you know you can afford to raise it well. Otherwise, do your bit by not contributing to the overpopulation problem.
posted by Decani at 3:59 PM on July 29, 2010

It's very difficult for a lot of people to be enthusiastic about a person who does not yet exist. "A baby" is a fantasy. So is the life you think you're going to be living after the baby is born.

You can't REALLY imagine what it's going to be like to have a child. Some of this you have to just take on faith.

I nth the people who are amazed at what it's like to have, not just a child, but a child who is a lovely companion, a fascinating individual, (in my case) a person who you can play music with, talk about They Might Be Giants with, talk about Darwinism vs. whatever with, who questions you about your history, beliefs and opinions, who tells you his, who writes amazing stories, and who confides to you and cries to you when he is sad because he trusts you more than anybody else (I know this will change in time!)
posted by DMelanogaster at 4:16 PM on July 29, 2010

As walla said, you're probably not going to hear a lot of people chiming in about how having a child ruined their life, even if it objectively did.

The last time I saw this particular topic come up on here, I thought of chiming in with the comment that this sort of thing was referred to as "Dissonance reducing behavior" amongst the marketing types, and is pretty well researched.

But it just MIGHT be that the people who had children and really didn't want them either ran away ('deadbeat dads' or just divorcing and surrendering custody), killed themselves, or convinced themselves that they really did want kids after all, because it was easier for them to live with than the first two options.

On preview: Your decisions are fine for yourself, but your post fails to answer the question and is therefore inappropriate here.

There's a longstanding tradition of warning people off from making potentially serious mistakes, even if they don't ask for such - Go see a doctor, Go get a lawyer, Don't do it the way the last guy said because..., etc, etc.

If the actual mods don't like the comments, they'll zap them - I'm sure they'll collect plenty of flags.
posted by Orb2069 at 6:30 PM on July 29, 2010

I'm of the mind that if you need to talk yourself into something as big as this (i.e. having a child) when you're not super jazzed about it to begin with, that it's probably not a great idea to go forward with it.

There has to be a reason why you're not excited, and I don't think that should be ignored. Some will say (or, above, have said), "Oh, you're just a male - that's natural!", but I'm not so sure I would jump to accept that. It might indeed be a great feeling to hold your own child after its birth, but it's a pretty big step to take just to find out if you're cool with it.

The world is filled with lots of kids. If you decide not to make any, that's ok.
posted by karizma at 9:32 PM on July 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

My husband in theory wanted kids, but was ambivalent during pregnancy and even childbirth (but I had moments of ambivalence during pregnancy also, despite really, really wanting a baby for several years). He didn't really want to cut the cord, he didn't even hold the baby until we got home. He'd had no experience with babies at all, but liked preschool aged kids.

It took him about 2 months. That's really when they clicked together. He stopped being a tiny pink weird thing and looked like a tiny, chubby, cute person who could smile at you.

And now our son is 18 months old and they hang out all the time. The "Ugh, I don't like BABIES" dude still isn't too huge on other people's kids, but he really enjoys playing with our son. Even doing silly baby things. He taught our son where his butt is. They watch the Backyardigans together and even though I know TV is bad it's just so cute that I can't say anything about it.

I'm pregnant again, and he's still just as ambivalent about this abstract theoretical second boy. Honestly, I'm even MORE ambivalent this time around, just because I'm already run ragged by the toddler and don't have too much free time to sit and ponder my pregnancy.

Oh, and seriously? What I didn't know, and am pleased about, is that they really aren't THAT hard and life-changing. You can pick a few things that you really want to keep doing, and keep doing them. I still nap a lot. I have season tickets to an NHL team with my husband. My husband is a DJ and is out until 4AM every Friday night - or will sleep at a friend's house and not be home until the next day.

And by the time he's 18 months, he's pretty reasonably easy to take care of. It's a modified life from coupledom, but it's really not as life-ending as harbingers of doom made it out to be unless you make it so. I've been out until 2AM closing out the bar maybe only 3 times since his birth, but I went out until midnight a bunch, because that's easier on me and whoever is babysitting my son (inlaws! are great!). We took him on vacation to Portland, OR. We take him on car trips for the hell of it. Like biking? Get a trailer!
posted by kpht at 7:30 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Is this normal? I'm a few months from 30. What's wrong with me?

Yes. I'm female, older, and I don't want kids at all. And I know a lot of others like me!


How can I get to a place where I'm as excited as she is?

I don't think you need to get psyched up quite yet. I mean, do you really want to spend this time trying to gather up some emotion you-are-supposed-to-feel, when you can just spend this time relaxing, being reflective, and doing all the things you're not going to be able to do once the baby arrives?

Have an awesome couple of months with your wife and friends and existing family. Enjoy quiet. Enjoy loud music. Enjoy staying up late and sleeping in. Take a nice vacation for yourselves, or if money is an issue, a mini-vacation.

Soak it all up dude. I don't have kids but I am fully aware you are in for an adventure that is life-changing. Why not make the most of the life you have now, in the mean time?
posted by The ____ of Justice at 11:15 AM on July 30, 2010

After reading all the responses above, pro and con, it seems that the responses are so varied because people are so varied. Considering only yourself and your wife, (and anecdotes of other men and their wives) you don't have enough data to make your decision.

Having a child is not a choice you can make considering your desires, feelings, and lifestyle aspirations alone. This kind of decision can only wisely be made by connecting it to something larger than you, some context that encompasses your life's meaning. (And I'm not just talking about religion here.)

For me, it's a joy being a parent. But there's no way in hell that having a child is a net positive in any lifestyle or economic sense. No freaking way. Anyone who says that you "get so much more back in return" by being a parent is using a whole different balance sheet!
posted by cross_impact at 11:49 AM on July 30, 2010

As a dad to an almost 3 year old, and with another on the way, I can assure you that you are being absolutely, entirely, normal. I was/am in a very similar situation to you - 5 years married when we had our first child, late 20s early 30s, etc etc.

Of course you like your life the way it is. Of course you aren't sure about this.

And I would also venture to say that it is normal you not be as excited as she is either!

You know what - I wasn't excited at all. I liked my life with my partner, the freedoms having no kids offered and all that jazz. When we got pregnant (I'll say "we") I wasn't really excited either - I can actually remember my first thoughts being along the lines of "shit, how are we going to afford this". Not great thoughts.

I wasn't really even excited at the birth or anything like that.

You know when I got excited, when I felt like: "hey, this is something I'm a part of, and something I can really be involved with"? When we had to rush our baby off to hospital because he was sick, wouldn't eat, throwing up, etc.

That sounds perverse I know, but that flicked the switch, turned the lightbulb on, etc. That said to me that: "OK, there is something more to this life, there is something here I can give".

That's only grown and grown - through kiddo's first movements, words, steps, etc etc. Every single milestone and every single day brings with it a new reason to smile (and often a new reason to growl as well, let's be honest - emptying the cat food all over the laundry would be one such example) but the time I'm able to spend with him now is just wonderful - and it proves there is something more to life.

You might not "get" this straight away - the first little while will be a challenge, a trial and will not be easy. But the good times start paying you back pretty quickly. The way our son sits down at the end of the day and tells me what he did (when I get home from work), and chats away with me about all the stuff he sees in the car, or about how he's doing, or about what game I'm playing on the Xbox, or about how the plants in the garden are growing - and how he's watering them - or about the simplest, smallest things giving him so much joy (even just going around the grocery store or shopping centre and seeing something he likes, or to the construction site and seeing bulldozers, diggers and tip trucks) ... its all priceless.

I'm far from perfect as a dad. No-one is - but most of the time I probably just get a pass mark. But the happiness that I get when I walk in the front door and hear him yell "daddy" and run down the hall to hug me is unrivalled and makes me always want to be the best dad I can. And all the day's crap can melt away in a second - and you quickly realise there is more to life.

And it is hard work. There are times you'll shake your head and wonder. There are times it'll put a dent in your lifestyle and your wallet. But the hard work is worth it.

Seeing him grow from bub to toddler and beyond, and knowing that he's happy and healthy and well and all those things - that's where the joy, the satisfaction comes from. Teaching him how to plant plants, teaching him manners, showing him what to do, throwing a ball, flying a kite, doing something that I know he'll like (just for the sake of him liking it) - that brings me so much joy and satisfaction.

You don't think you have room in your heart, but its amazing, there always is room. And you'll find it - unconsciously and parhaps unknowingly. But you'll find it.

One tip though - ensure that you are comfortable and free to have some time to yourself as well, and when needed. It might be going out for a meal and having someone mind the bub, or even taking a break to pursue a hobby or interest when needed. Certainly, there will be new limits on what you can and can't do, but you can't allow a new child to be something that simply prevents you from doing everything.

I still find time to garden, to watch my football team, to play the Xbox. And of course we get out with and without kiddo - to the movies, to shows, meals, trips out. It is amazing what you can do with a touch of planning and some good thinking.

But yes - make time for yourself as well as your family, its good for the soul!!
posted by chris88 at 6:36 PM on August 1, 2010

I'm of the mind that if you need to talk yourself into something as big as this (i.e. having a child) when you're not super jazzed about it to begin with, that it's probably not a great idea to go forward with it.

I am childless (and approaching the age where I am almost out of time to have one) but I tend to agree with this view. I don't think everyone is destined to be a parent.

If you're like most people, within an hour, a day, a month, or a year after having a child, one day you will look down at him or her and think "Oh my god, this is MINE. I made this. This is AWESOME!" and you will love it like nothing else you've ever loved in life.

But what if you're NOT like most people? This is a huge risk to take - to have a child you're not sure you want.
posted by getawaysticks at 6:45 AM on August 3, 2010