There's still room at the inn
July 27, 2010 12:42 PM
I just learned my cousin has legally switched from a female name to a male name. I also have learned that my cousin is moving away from the family home, ending up closer to where I live. Would it be invasive if I ...
Wrote to my cousin to extend an invitation to visit any time he's in the area? My cousin is pretty private and isolated from the family. Years ago, we corresponded pretty regularly. I've also tried to make sure we see each other when I'm in town, but that's not always been possible.
I've invited my cousin previously. I just want my cousin to know that he's still welcome no matter the name or pronoun used. If you were my cousin, would you find such a communication invasive or offensive? The invitation would include his girlfriend as well.
Wrote to my cousin to extend an invitation to visit any time he's in the area? My cousin is pretty private and isolated from the family. Years ago, we corresponded pretty regularly. I've also tried to make sure we see each other when I'm in town, but that's not always been possible.
I've invited my cousin previously. I just want my cousin to know that he's still welcome no matter the name or pronoun used. If you were my cousin, would you find such a communication invasive or offensive? The invitation would include his girlfriend as well.
I'm not sure why it would possibly be offensive. You're not on bad terms; he may be pretty private but a brief, polite invitation - "hey, haven't seen you in a while, I'd love to catch up with you and Girlfriend if you wanted to" - seems entirely appropriate.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:44 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:44 PM on July 27, 2010
Doesn't seem invasive to me... esp if you're not on bad terms.
posted by patheral at 12:48 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by patheral at 12:48 PM on July 27, 2010
Extend the invitation! Don't be discouraged if your cousin doesn't take you up on it. Moving can be tricky and family can be even trickier. If you address occasional friendly invitations to the new name, your cousin will get the point.
posted by hermitosis at 12:49 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by hermitosis at 12:49 PM on July 27, 2010
Do specifically mention the girlfriend in your invitation.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:51 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:51 PM on July 27, 2010
You seem to be supportive and respectful of his transition, which reflects well on you, and you're not trying to force yourself into his life for any ulterior motives. I'd say a letter of, "Hey, I heard you're in town, let's hang out" would be thoroughly acceptable and appropriate. If he's not interested, he'll just ignore it.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:51 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:51 PM on July 27, 2010
Say hey, invite him over just like you would have before he transitioned. Use his name, don't make a big deal about it. You sound like a good cousin, and moving to a new area is always hard; I'm sure he'll at least appreciate the invitation.
posted by verbyournouns at 12:52 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by verbyournouns at 12:52 PM on July 27, 2010
It's never a bad idea to let someone who might be alienated know that they are accepted somewhere. We all should do more of this.
posted by inturnaround at 12:54 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by inturnaround at 12:54 PM on July 27, 2010
Thanks for the reality check. We're not on bad terms at all. His family helped support mine when our house burnt down when I was a kid. A few years ago, my family helped support his family when his older brother was murdered. I wrote him a letter then telling him my memories of his brother and how much his brother loved him. Our parents are very close and he and I have always had a positive, though distant, relationship.
I guess I hesitated because I wasn't sure if I needed to even address his name change other than using his name properly. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to see him when I'm out there next week. If not, I'll drop him a note.
posted by onhazier at 12:57 PM on July 27, 2010
I guess I hesitated because I wasn't sure if I needed to even address his name change other than using his name properly. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to see him when I'm out there next week. If not, I'll drop him a note.
posted by onhazier at 12:57 PM on July 27, 2010
I might find the invitation a bit panic-inducing, but I find a lot of social invitations, especially those that deal with my family, panic-inducing. Even with that, you definitely should feel free to invite him. Don't make a big deal of it, just a standard "Hey [newname], I hear you're moving nearby. If you're in [mytown], you should stop by for a visit/whatever."
I'd be careful on mentioning the girlfriend only so far as, well, people break up and I've made invitations that mentioned a recent ex since I didn't know about the breakup. And since this cousin is private, it might not get out. Other than that worry, definitely include the girlfriend.
posted by Lemurrhea at 12:58 PM on July 27, 2010
I'd be careful on mentioning the girlfriend only so far as, well, people break up and I've made invitations that mentioned a recent ex since I didn't know about the breakup. And since this cousin is private, it might not get out. Other than that worry, definitely include the girlfriend.
posted by Lemurrhea at 12:58 PM on July 27, 2010
If you use the new name, it would be really nice and accepting. Don't put more pressure than a simple invitation to something very casual, but it does signal support and accessibility in a nice way.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 1:00 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 1:00 PM on July 27, 2010
I would also extend the invitation to let you know if he needs recommendations for any kind of new stores/ car repair places/ things in the area, or other kind of "new to the neighborhood" support. This way he doesn't just feel as though the invitation is for a dinner or face-to-face get together and knows you're also a resource. This might make him feel more comfortable about communications with you even if he's not ready for a dinner just yet. I'd keep it light, friendly, and open-ended.
posted by questionsandanchors at 1:03 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by questionsandanchors at 1:03 PM on July 27, 2010
I guess I hesitated because I wasn't sure if I needed to even address his name change other than using his name properly.
Nope. You can just start using the new name, the same way you'd use someone's new last name after they got married (if you had the occasion to use their last name, e.g. addressing a letter or introducing them to someone).
I'd be careful on mentioning the girlfriend only so far as, well, people break up and I've made invitations that mentioned a recent ex since I didn't know about the breakup.
Hm, I think since the OP is already worrying too much, there's no need to have one more thing to worry about. If you have the impression they're probably still together, go ahead and mention she can come along. Yes, they might have broken up -- you never know. If they've broken up, he'll let you know, and you can say, "Oh, I'm sorry." No big deal.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:10 PM on July 27, 2010
Nope. You can just start using the new name, the same way you'd use someone's new last name after they got married (if you had the occasion to use their last name, e.g. addressing a letter or introducing them to someone).
I'd be careful on mentioning the girlfriend only so far as, well, people break up and I've made invitations that mentioned a recent ex since I didn't know about the breakup.
Hm, I think since the OP is already worrying too much, there's no need to have one more thing to worry about. If you have the impression they're probably still together, go ahead and mention she can come along. Yes, they might have broken up -- you never know. If they've broken up, he'll let you know, and you can say, "Oh, I'm sorry." No big deal.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:10 PM on July 27, 2010
I wasn't sure if I needed to even address his name change other than using his name properly.
He may want to talk about those changes when you get together, and then you would react accordingly, but it's not necessary to announce your knowledge of it ahead of time - i.e. "Hi there, I heard about your name change and..."
I think using his proper name would signal your awareness/acceptance and would quell any worries he might have about seeing you.
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:23 PM on July 27, 2010
He may want to talk about those changes when you get together, and then you would react accordingly, but it's not necessary to announce your knowledge of it ahead of time - i.e. "Hi there, I heard about your name change and..."
I think using his proper name would signal your awareness/acceptance and would quell any worries he might have about seeing you.
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:23 PM on July 27, 2010
Totally invite him using his preferred name, and once he comes over, I suggest asking directly: "Hey, what pronoun do you prefer these days?" Acquaintances and strangers ask me this periodically since I started using a traditionally male name and am pretty masculine looking, and even though for me the answer is that I still prefer female pronouns, I always am grateful that the person asked.
It also can't hurt, once you see him, to tell him he's looking good or offer whatever other low-key but positive feedback about his transition feels natural and honest.
posted by serazin at 1:39 PM on July 27, 2010
It also can't hurt, once you see him, to tell him he's looking good or offer whatever other low-key but positive feedback about his transition feels natural and honest.
posted by serazin at 1:39 PM on July 27, 2010
Man, if I genderswitched my name and my cousin sent me a letter out of nowhere saying, "Hey, [newname], heard you're in the area blah blah love to see you drop by anytime" I would be flattered as shit that they cared enough to use my new name and also pleased that a big deal wasn't made of it.
posted by komara at 3:20 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by komara at 3:20 PM on July 27, 2010
By which I mean my opinion is that you should deliberately use his new name and let that be the end of the discussion in the note that you send him.
posted by komara at 3:21 PM on July 27, 2010
posted by komara at 3:21 PM on July 27, 2010
Hm, I think since the OP is already worrying too much, there's no need to have one more thing to worry about. If you have the impression they're probably still together, go ahead and mention she can come along. Yes, they might have broken up -- you never know. If they've broken up, he'll let you know, and you can say, "Oh, I'm sorry." No big deal.
Yeah, you're probably right. It's not just the OP that worries too much about small things.
OP, ignore my suggestion to avoid mentioning the girlfriend. Jaltcoh's definitely more right than me on that front.
posted by Lemurrhea at 4:06 PM on July 27, 2010
Yeah, you're probably right. It's not just the OP that worries too much about small things.
OP, ignore my suggestion to avoid mentioning the girlfriend. Jaltcoh's definitely more right than me on that front.
posted by Lemurrhea at 4:06 PM on July 27, 2010
Do it do it do it do it do it.
That's frankly the best thing you can do in this situation. Say "If you're still with GF We'd love her to come too", and then maybe even set a date for dinner as a Welcome to Town affair.
posted by Quadlex at 4:41 PM on July 27, 2010
That's frankly the best thing you can do in this situation. Say "If you're still with GF We'd love her to come too", and then maybe even set a date for dinner as a Welcome to Town affair.
posted by Quadlex at 4:41 PM on July 27, 2010
Another response re: girlfriend:
'If you have anyone else you'd like to bring, feel free!' He'll have every excuse not to bring her if he doesn't want to or can't, and an open invitation if he would like to.
Also, Dog bless you for being so understanding of someone in such an awkward spot. I for one would like to hear how things end up.
posted by Heretical at 8:52 PM on July 27, 2010
'If you have anyone else you'd like to bring, feel free!' He'll have every excuse not to bring her if he doesn't want to or can't, and an open invitation if he would like to.
Also, Dog bless you for being so understanding of someone in such an awkward spot. I for one would like to hear how things end up.
posted by Heretical at 8:52 PM on July 27, 2010
Absofuckinglutely. Using his preferred name and extending the invitation would be a great kindness.
posted by desuetude at 8:30 AM on July 28, 2010
posted by desuetude at 8:30 AM on July 28, 2010
Here's a follow up in case anyone reads this question in the future:
I got a chance to see my cousin when we went over to visit my aunt and uncle. We saw him pull into the driveway and I went out as he was getting out of his truck. I went over and said "Hey (new name)! I'm so glad to see you. I want to introduce you to my little one." (We're going to adopt our current foster child.) We hugged and started walking towards the rest of the family. I told him that my Mom had shared the news that he was moving soon and that our door is always open if he needs anything.
He was very open and receptive. We joined the rest of the family and continued the visit. He told us about his pending move and then offered up information about his transition. We didn't ask and I was surprised about how comfortable he seemed to be in talking about it.
The whole visit went better than I anticipated. While it was obvious that my aunt and uncle are unsure of how to handle my cousin's transition, the visit was relaxed and the rest of the family present was accepting. My Mom said she really had to think before saying my cousin's name because she wanted to make sure she used the right name. Even the kids were using the new name as though it was the name we always used.
My cousin and I exchanged contact info as we left. While I don't expect my cousin to come a calling, he definitely knows that some of the family is supportive.
posted by onhazier at 5:59 PM on August 7, 2010
I got a chance to see my cousin when we went over to visit my aunt and uncle. We saw him pull into the driveway and I went out as he was getting out of his truck. I went over and said "Hey (new name)! I'm so glad to see you. I want to introduce you to my little one." (We're going to adopt our current foster child.) We hugged and started walking towards the rest of the family. I told him that my Mom had shared the news that he was moving soon and that our door is always open if he needs anything.
He was very open and receptive. We joined the rest of the family and continued the visit. He told us about his pending move and then offered up information about his transition. We didn't ask and I was surprised about how comfortable he seemed to be in talking about it.
The whole visit went better than I anticipated. While it was obvious that my aunt and uncle are unsure of how to handle my cousin's transition, the visit was relaxed and the rest of the family present was accepting. My Mom said she really had to think before saying my cousin's name because she wanted to make sure she used the right name. Even the kids were using the new name as though it was the name we always used.
My cousin and I exchanged contact info as we left. While I don't expect my cousin to come a calling, he definitely knows that some of the family is supportive.
posted by onhazier at 5:59 PM on August 7, 2010
I was already having a good day, but I will never turn down more welcome news. I'm so glad that you two were able to meet up and you were in a position to show your support while not making a big deal out of his transition. That's just awesome. Thanks for letting us know.
posted by komara at 12:11 PM on August 8, 2010
posted by komara at 12:11 PM on August 8, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Everything else is just unimportant details.
posted by theichibun at 12:44 PM on July 27, 2010