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Did I Just Waste My Flirting Skills on a Back-Up Boyfriend?
July 25, 2010 7:44 AM   Subscribe

Thought I hit it off with somebody I met through a mutual friend. There's been lots of fun chatting at parties, a bit of drunk flirting, but I fear I may have misread their intentions. After talking with both the mutual friend & this person, I'm starting to suspect that this person perhaps has feelings for the mutual friend.

About a year ago I became friends with G, who is the friend of another friend of mine. Skip ahead a couple of months and I attended a dinner party where G had brought along Q, who was another friend of hers. I spent a good deal of time at this party talking with Q and enjoyed the company. Skip ahead more time and Q is included in more parties with this particular circle of friends. Generally in each situation, Q tended to gravitate towards me and chat/hang out. Also during this time, G goes from being single to being in a relationship with somebody who was a long term friend.

After a few of these parties & social events, I ran into Q at a local hang out and we spent the afternoon with a pitcher of beer and having what I thought was a pretty great time. Lots of joking around, drunk storytelling and innocent flirting. Q insists on seeing me home, gave me his phone # & I thanked him for the fun with a very chaste kiss on the cheek.

You would think after having such a great time that maybe Q would like to hang out with me again. Nope. I've extended a couple of invitations and been politely turned down. The thing that I'm curious about is that Q has dropped everything in the past to help G out with stuff like household repairs, go on road trips, last minute wedding date et cetera. G has a boyfriend and refers to Q as just a good friend who's helpful and sweet. But I also know that G's current boyfriend was a long-term platonic friend before anything happened between them. Am I crazy for thinking that while G sees Q as "just friends" that perhaps he's hanging around (and being nice to her social circle) because he's got feelings for her? I'm not too hung up on why he's not interested in following up with our one outing*. But I do value my friendship with G and am trying to figure out what's exactly going on so that I can keep our friendship out of any sticky situations.

* Okay maybe a little bit. We really really had a great chat hanging out with each other & I'd love to get to know Q better. But if my suspicions are correct, I also feel like that's just bad news. Like Q is hanging around hoping that maybe things will eventually work out with G.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Am I crazy for thinking that while G sees Q as "just friends" that perhaps he's hanging around (and being nice to her social circle) because he's got feelings for her?

No, you're not crazy. Maybe that's what's going on. It's impossible to tell, though, based on the limited information you have.

What you do know is that Q is not leaping at the opportunity to spend time with you. That means something.
posted by jayder at 7:49 AM on July 25, 2010


Am I crazy for thinking that while G sees Q as "just friends" that perhaps he's hanging around (and being nice to her social circle) because he's got feelings for her?

Serious question, why do you care? You seem overly involved in what Q is doing, when it doesn't seem to have much impact on you and he hasn't behaved in a negative fashion to G or anyone else.

Q isn't interested in you, so no sticky situation there.. What G does is her own business and you can't control what she does, nor should you try.
posted by new brand day at 7:49 AM on July 25, 2010


You would think after having such a great time that maybe Q would like to hang out with me again. Nope. I've extended a couple of invitations and been politely turned down. The thing that I'm curious about is that Q has dropped everything in the past to help G out with stuff like household repairs, go on road trips, last minute wedding date et cetera.

You didn't start worrying about Q having a thing for G until he turned down a few invites... It sounds like you are trying to rationalize what you think is a lack of interest in you, and if you go down this road you can't win - if he does start dating you, you're going to wonder if he's just trying to make G jealous. Stop trying to assess his motivations, you really can't ever know what's going on in someone else's head unless they tell you. Just take things as they come. It sounds to me like the ball's in his court now.
posted by amro at 7:52 AM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


Maybe yes, maybe no, there's no possible way to know from this description. But it doesn't matter—the only thing that matters is that Q doesn't seem too interested in you. Don't waste another thought on him.
posted by grouse at 7:57 AM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]


And you didn't waste your flirting skills, you were just practicing! Now you'll be even better when the real deal comes along.
posted by grouse at 8:01 AM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


You would think after having such a great time that maybe Q would like to hang out with me again. Nope. I've extended a couple of invitations and been politely turned down.

It doesn't really matter who Q has feelings for because it isn't you. You should move on and quit the conspiracy theorizing, as it's only going to make you feel worse.
posted by Hiker at 8:04 AM on July 25, 2010


If you value your friendship with G, talk to her. "Hey, I kinda like Q. What do you think?"

If she responds by being like "OMFG NO BACK OFF OR I WILL KNIFE YOU HE'S MINE" then back off.

If she says "yeah, he has been under a lot of stress what with the spiders laying eggs in his ears and all, plus the bar exam" now you know why he's been unavailable.

If she says "he's gay" or "he's only into experienced sadists" then he's gay (or masochistic).

If she says "oh, huh" then drop it and assume that he just isn't into you.

If she says "oh, he and I are dating but it's a secret because we're closeted polyamorists" then be impressed at their secret-keeping skills.

Avoid implying that he's only nice to her because he wants to have a romantic relationship with her. True or not. I have very close male friends and people who ask if they secretly want to date me come off as clueless at best, insulting at worst. Even if they're right--it's none of their business.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:33 AM on July 26, 2010


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