Dear Sir or Madam . . .

July 18, 2010 9:15 AM

In writing formal letters or e-mail, how do I address someone whose sex is not apparent from his/her name?

I am writing a series of formal e-mails to people I have never met in real life or spoken to on the phone. Several given names are giving me trouble when I try to figure out whether to start the salutation with "Dear Mr. X" or "Dear Ms. X." Google helps in some cases, but not all.

Is there an accepted, courteous way to approach this?

posted by hayvac to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Best answer: Dear [Full name],

Salutations are overrated.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 9:19 AM on July 18, 2010 [7 favorites]

In the same circumstances, I use "Dear Firstname Lastname".

It's awkward, but not as awkward as using the wrong honorific.
posted by the latin mouse at 9:19 AM on July 18, 2010

I think some of this might depend on your situation. Are these people who are essentially colleagues or people you are hoping to get a job from (or something like that)?
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:26 AM on July 18, 2010

Make sure there is not another honorific to use. If there are any indications that someone is a doctor, a member of the clergy, or that he or she, for example, holds a military title or a rank in police force, then those honorifics should be used as they are gender neutral.

If there is nothing to indicate that either, then definitely go with the First Name Last Name, which is what I do when I respond to applications for a position we have in my department.
posted by zizzle at 9:27 AM on July 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

I don't know if these are hopelessly outdated in the electronic age, but two options are "Dear Sir or Madam," and "To whom it may concern."
posted by crunchland at 9:27 AM on July 18, 2010

Thirding "Dear Firstname Lastname". And not just for folks with ambiguous first names, but for everyone. If you don't know for sure, you could be calling someone a Ms. when they should be Dr. or someone a Mr. when they should be a Rev. Unless you know their preferred honorific, it's better to leave it out entirely than to risk sending it to that one person who gets really pissed off when someone calls them by the wrong one.
posted by phunniemee at 9:28 AM on July 18, 2010

You can also google the first name to gain insight on whether the name is a male or female name (if it's not a traditionally western name, or just one you're not familiar with). Sometimes it's still ambiguous, in which case "dear firstname lastname" is perfectly fine.
posted by raztaj at 9:29 AM on July 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

I had this issue a few years ago. Couldn't decide if Jean was a woman or a French man.

I Googled the name and the company Jean worked for, and a picture of a woman popped up.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:31 AM on July 18, 2010

Sometimes I just do:

Firstname Lastname,

Blah blah blah.

Yours sincerely,

Serazin Metafilteruser
posted by serazin at 9:55 AM on July 18, 2010

Response by poster: To clarify some points raised above:

-These are colleagues in my field, although no one would be offended that I didn't know them personally.

-Each letter is addressed to its recipient as an individual. "To whom it may concern" or "Sir/Madam" are not options.

-I mentioned in the question that this is for when google fails.

It's looking like "Dear Firstname Lastname" is the way to go, which basically admits that I don't know the person's sex. Oh well.

(I am feeling a lot of sympathy right now for a friend of mine with an unusual first name who signs off her correspondence with "Xyz Smith (that's a female name).")
posted by hayvac at 10:13 AM on July 18, 2010

Best answer: Don't think of it as 'basically admitting that you don't know the person's sex', think of it as not assuming that you do know the person's sex.

A close family member (female) has a first name that is usually a boy's name, and nothing used to annoy her more than people writing, "Dear Mr Lastname" rather than "Dear Firstname Lastname". Others' mileage may vary, but for her it was the assumption that drove her up the wall rather than the fact that people didn't know her sex - which is not usually an important characteristic in someone you've never met. Think of it like that.
posted by rubbish bin night at 10:25 AM on July 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

I work with a lot of Tibetans, and this comes up often, as the majority of Tibetan given names are gender neutral. If they have no particular religious titles, I just use their first names only in emails/letters/&c; no one's ever complained that I'm being overly casual. Plus, I think people with gender neutral names are used to the confusion and would not be offended if you made an Mr/Ms error.
posted by elizardbits at 10:27 AM on July 18, 2010

If you don't want to admit that you don't know the recipient's gender, pick up your phone. Try calling the person's company and either asking the receptionist whether the person is male or female or, if it's a larger organization, ask for the person's assistant and ask him/her--you don't have to identify yourself in detail, just "I'm writing a letter to Ambiguous Name, and I wasn't sure what honorific to use. Can you help me?" (seriously, it's way easier to get someone to tell you this kind of thing than you might think--you need far less explanation than you'd imagine if all you're asking is, say, the correct spelling of a name, or the proper honorific to use, particularly if you're talking to the assistant of someone with an ambiguous name, that assistant is going to be answering that question all the time). Or, ask the operator to put you through to Ambiguous Name's voicemail and take your cue from the recorded message.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:27 AM on July 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

when I dictate letters for my boss he asks that I write "Dear Firstname Lastname" when we don't personally know them. Then, after they respond, our second letter to them would be "Dear Mr. XYZ" or if we are feeling personal "Dear first name"
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 10:30 AM on July 18, 2010

There's a guy in my field named Anne, /'ɔnə/. He gets Ms. all the time.
posted by xueexueg at 10:55 AM on July 18, 2010

Contact an administrative assistant or someone who works in HR and ask the gender of those individuals. Explain that you need to address them in formal correspondence and you don't know them personally.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:05 AM on July 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

I like Jaltcoh's social engineering solution. I've also been known to call work phones at 3 am to learn how people pronounce their own names from their voicemail, when that was something I needed to know. (Don't do this to people who actually might be at work in the middle of the night, of course.)
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 11:20 AM on July 18, 2010 [2 favorites]

A friend of mine used to write "Attn: Pat Smith" under the date, then start the letter with the greeting "Good Day" where the "Dear Mr or Ms Smith" would go.

Calling and asking also works really, really well.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:53 AM on July 18, 2010

I usually solve this by Googling them.

But I have a unambiguously female first name and yet get Mr. __ fairly often, so I am sympathetic that recognizable gendering of names just does not translate.
posted by desuetude at 12:04 PM on July 18, 2010

There's a distinction between "Dear Sir or Madam" and "To Whom It May Concern." Use DSORM when a letter is directed to a person; use TWIMC when a letter is not addressed directly to a person, like when you're writing a letter or recommendation for someone may send it to someone else. Google helped me understand the difference.
posted by pinside at 3:36 PM on July 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is a small part of the reason why I got a PhD.

But yeah, go with "Dear Firstname Lastname". Firstname Lastname knows that people have trouble guessing their sex from their name, so they probably won't be offended.

Google Image Search is usually pretty good for this, as well.
posted by madcaptenor at 5:11 PM on July 18, 2010

Usually Dear Firstname Lastname is a good one to stick with. Don't be too sure that you think you have a name pegged as female or male; Pat might be short for Patricia and (as I once found out) July can be a man's name.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 5:29 PM on July 18, 2010

If it's an email, I sometimes use "Good afternoon" or "Good morning" before launching into the message contents. Of course, that wouldn't work for written correspondence.
posted by Pomo at 5:55 PM on July 19, 2010