C is for coward?
July 14, 2010 12:33 PM Subscribe
Am I a huge coward? Sorry this is so long.
So, I just blew this guy off with the silent treatment but there are reasons. I just feel like a coward because I do this frequently with people. I had known said guy for awhile, talked to him online and hung out a few times in real life. He came over once or twice bringing alcohol and lots of it. I have a problem with alcohol.( I can't stop once I start) I had had a fling with one of his friends before(ended terribly by the way) His friend knew about my problem, not so sure if he did. He gets here and we get drunk, fool around but no sex. .Right before he left he mentioned something that only I and his friend would know about, and it really weirded me out. I no longer talk to his friend(one I had a fling with) so I was kind of upset knowing I had been discussed. Next day he wants to hang out again soon, I kept putting him off but not being mean. Then he starts telling me he loves me blah blah blah. Then he starts with the "you don't care about me" bullshit. I had told him way ahead in advance that I just wanted a friend and not a relationship, and I thought he understood that. He finally cuts to the chase one night and asks if we could just cut the shit and start having sex. So, I quit talking to him. He emailed me asking why. As much as I wanted to go off on him I didn't. That's the last time I heard from him. I feel like he was a shit but I could have at least said something about how he made me feel. I figured he wasn't worth it. I wonder if I just blew things out of proportion, or if I was right in giving this guy the silent treatment. I haven't talked about it at all with any of our mutual friends.
So, I just blew this guy off with the silent treatment but there are reasons. I just feel like a coward because I do this frequently with people. I had known said guy for awhile, talked to him online and hung out a few times in real life. He came over once or twice bringing alcohol and lots of it. I have a problem with alcohol.( I can't stop once I start) I had had a fling with one of his friends before(ended terribly by the way) His friend knew about my problem, not so sure if he did. He gets here and we get drunk, fool around but no sex. .Right before he left he mentioned something that only I and his friend would know about, and it really weirded me out. I no longer talk to his friend(one I had a fling with) so I was kind of upset knowing I had been discussed. Next day he wants to hang out again soon, I kept putting him off but not being mean. Then he starts telling me he loves me blah blah blah. Then he starts with the "you don't care about me" bullshit. I had told him way ahead in advance that I just wanted a friend and not a relationship, and I thought he understood that. He finally cuts to the chase one night and asks if we could just cut the shit and start having sex. So, I quit talking to him. He emailed me asking why. As much as I wanted to go off on him I didn't. That's the last time I heard from him. I feel like he was a shit but I could have at least said something about how he made me feel. I figured he wasn't worth it. I wonder if I just blew things out of proportion, or if I was right in giving this guy the silent treatment. I haven't talked about it at all with any of our mutual friends.
NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE FORCED TO HAVE SEX.
Walk away knowing you did the right thing.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:37 PM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
Walk away knowing you did the right thing.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:37 PM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
You are not a coward. A coward would have had sex with him and given in to his crazypants "i love you" crap. This guy is an unreasonable a-hole and you should do whatever you have to to keep him out of your life. His behavior doesn't really earn him a friendly explanation.
posted by juliapangolin at 12:40 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by juliapangolin at 12:40 PM on July 14, 2010
i don't know what fooling around is w/o sex. what i mean is, it sounds like something sexy did occur, despite your saying you just wanted a friend.
Maybe the booze was a factor. If so, maybe send him a note of explanation? It sounds like he's a bit unstable, but maybe an email will calm him down. In the email, whatever else you say, emphasize no more contact from here out.
p.s. The silent treatment has always royally pissed me off every time I encounter it, so I may be biased here.
posted by angrycat at 12:40 PM on July 14, 2010
Maybe the booze was a factor. If so, maybe send him a note of explanation? It sounds like he's a bit unstable, but maybe an email will calm him down. In the email, whatever else you say, emphasize no more contact from here out.
p.s. The silent treatment has always royally pissed me off every time I encounter it, so I may be biased here.
posted by angrycat at 12:40 PM on July 14, 2010
you absolutely, positively do not owe him an explanation.
posted by radiosilents at 12:40 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by radiosilents at 12:40 PM on July 14, 2010
If you don't want to to him, don't. You are not obligated in any way. But be aware that he did not make you feel any way at all. He did what he did and then you felt the way you felt. There are an infinite number of ways you or others in the same situation could have felt. Own your own feelings.
posted by txmon at 12:42 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by txmon at 12:42 PM on July 14, 2010
Ignore him and his friend, you don't owe them anything. Also, if you know alcohol is such a problem for you, maybe you should get on the wagon?
posted by Think_Long at 12:42 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Think_Long at 12:42 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Could he have even less tact?
nthing everyone else who says you don't owe him anything.
posted by royalsong at 12:43 PM on July 14, 2010
nthing everyone else who says you don't owe him anything.
posted by royalsong at 12:43 PM on July 14, 2010
This guy sounds really charming. Gets inside info about you (including the liquor proclivity), brings over a bunch of booze to try and get you in the sack and then tells you he loves you tries to pressure you when you don't just fall in bed with him. Jesus.
You aren't a coward. If you look up 'creep' in the dictionary this guy and his buddy are right there. If it comes up somehow you could tell him that, but I would do my best to avoid contact with such toxic people.
posted by dirtdirt at 12:47 PM on July 14, 2010 [15 favorites]
You aren't a coward. If you look up 'creep' in the dictionary this guy and his buddy are right there. If it comes up somehow you could tell him that, but I would do my best to avoid contact with such toxic people.
posted by dirtdirt at 12:47 PM on July 14, 2010 [15 favorites]
He finally cuts to the chase one night and asks if we could just cut the shit and start having sex. So, I quit talking to him. He emailed me asking why. As much as I wanted to go off on him I didn't.
If I'm following your story correctly, he'd come over, you guys would have drunken make out sessions, he'd want more but you'd tell him you didn't want "a relationship." By that you seem to mean you didn't want to have sex with anyone outside of being in a relationship with someone. He thinks, okay sure whatever, I don't want a relationship either, but can we still have sex? You then don't talk to him again?
He's not exactly a smooth operator, but in the future a nice short message reply of, "Making out with you was fun, I didn't want to have sex, but I think our fling is over now," would be a bit more polite.
So, I just blew this guy off with the silent treatment but there are reasons. I just feel like a coward because I do this frequently with people.
Really, even guys who aren't huge assholes? I know a few people who do this and I find the behavior annoying. I get it if you have someone pining for you and they're just really annoying, but in general it is nice to at least reply with a, "Sorry busy tonight." If you really want to make a point wait awhile to send it, but it is polite to at least respond.
posted by geoff. at 12:50 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I'm following your story correctly, he'd come over, you guys would have drunken make out sessions, he'd want more but you'd tell him you didn't want "a relationship." By that you seem to mean you didn't want to have sex with anyone outside of being in a relationship with someone. He thinks, okay sure whatever, I don't want a relationship either, but can we still have sex? You then don't talk to him again?
He's not exactly a smooth operator, but in the future a nice short message reply of, "Making out with you was fun, I didn't want to have sex, but I think our fling is over now," would be a bit more polite.
So, I just blew this guy off with the silent treatment but there are reasons. I just feel like a coward because I do this frequently with people.
Really, even guys who aren't huge assholes? I know a few people who do this and I find the behavior annoying. I get it if you have someone pining for you and they're just really annoying, but in general it is nice to at least reply with a, "Sorry busy tonight." If you really want to make a point wait awhile to send it, but it is polite to at least respond.
posted by geoff. at 12:50 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, you aren't. But you've got a negative self image going, and what sounds to me like some exploitative/abusive people in your milieu. Counseling with someone perceptive can really help to turn off the self-critical voice in your head, and also to spot and avoid people who use or mistreat you. Just a thought.
posted by bearwife at 12:52 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by bearwife at 12:52 PM on July 14, 2010
You weren't a coward for not having sex with him. You would have been a coward if you had had sex with him without wanting to. (My definition of cowardice is "doing the wrong thing out of fear.")
And you weren't/aren't a coward for giving him the silent treatment. The silent treatment is often a jerky thing to do to someone, but he crossed the line where you can feel good about doing it in this particular situation. He crossed that line once he used "You don't care about me" as some kind of twisted inducement to have sex with him. Think of it this way: you could have responded much more angrily and he still would have deserved it. You were relatively restrained to just cut things off completely and have no more contact. If he's smart, he will have gotten the message by now; there's nothing more you need to do.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:57 PM on July 14, 2010
And you weren't/aren't a coward for giving him the silent treatment. The silent treatment is often a jerky thing to do to someone, but he crossed the line where you can feel good about doing it in this particular situation. He crossed that line once he used "You don't care about me" as some kind of twisted inducement to have sex with him. Think of it this way: you could have responded much more angrily and he still would have deserved it. You were relatively restrained to just cut things off completely and have no more contact. If he's smart, he will have gotten the message by now; there's nothing more you need to do.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:57 PM on July 14, 2010
i don't know what fooling around is w/o sex.
Are you serious, or are you just picking on the OP's wording? We already discussed the definition of "having sex" recently, and I think it's pretty obvious what the OP meant. You know, like, kissing 'n' stuff...
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:58 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Are you serious, or are you just picking on the OP's wording? We already discussed the definition of "having sex" recently, and I think it's pretty obvious what the OP meant. You know, like, kissing 'n' stuff...
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:58 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
You weren't a coward for not having sex with him.
Not picking on you, but a lot of the answers seem to addressing this as if this was the question ask. From my understanding she is asking if she is:
1. A coward for blowing people off (not responding to their calls, whatever)
2. A coward for blowing this particular guy off
2 is a fairly self evident, who cares about this douche? But for number 1, no in general, blowing people off is incredibly rude.
posted by geoff. at 1:17 PM on July 14, 2010
Not picking on you, but a lot of the answers seem to addressing this as if this was the question ask. From my understanding she is asking if she is:
1. A coward for blowing people off (not responding to their calls, whatever)
2. A coward for blowing this particular guy off
2 is a fairly self evident, who cares about this douche? But for number 1, no in general, blowing people off is incredibly rude.
posted by geoff. at 1:17 PM on July 14, 2010
Are you serious, or are you just picking on the OP's wording? We already discussed the definition of "having sex" recently, and I think it's pretty obvious what the OP meant. You know, like, kissing 'n' stuff...
Was serious, not picking on wording of anything. The guy sounds like douchebag supremo, but that doesn't mitigate the whole: don't want sex/okay let's get drunk and fool around thing.
Not judgmental of the OP either; I can just see the guy's confusion. Silent treatments, at least for me, tend to increase confusion, not alleviate it.
posted by angrycat at 1:21 PM on July 14, 2010
Was serious, not picking on wording of anything. The guy sounds like douchebag supremo, but that doesn't mitigate the whole: don't want sex/okay let's get drunk and fool around thing.
Not judgmental of the OP either; I can just see the guy's confusion. Silent treatments, at least for me, tend to increase confusion, not alleviate it.
posted by angrycat at 1:21 PM on July 14, 2010
Nope, you're not a coward. That guy sounds like he was trying to take advantage of you and going against your stated boundaries, and it's a brave and acceptable thing to do to cut those people off. If you want to make it explicit for him, you can send him brief e-mail saying "I felt like you were using my issues with alcohol and your friendship with me to your own benefit, and I don't appreciate that. I don't want to talk to you from now on, and thank you for respecting that." Then filter his e-mails, unread, to a separate folder, and don't continue contact.
posted by verbyournouns at 1:36 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by verbyournouns at 1:36 PM on July 14, 2010
I would say blowing people off in general is not the nicest way to go about determining friendships.
However, with the stated situation, you are absolutely right to blow him off; he was making you uncomfortable, pushing you into physical situations you were not interested in, emotionally manipulating you and possibly trying to use your weakness with alcohol to achieve his goal of sleeping with you. You should be praising your intuition!
posted by occidental at 1:42 PM on July 14, 2010
However, with the stated situation, you are absolutely right to blow him off; he was making you uncomfortable, pushing you into physical situations you were not interested in, emotionally manipulating you and possibly trying to use your weakness with alcohol to achieve his goal of sleeping with you. You should be praising your intuition!
posted by occidental at 1:42 PM on July 14, 2010
You are not a coward for having boundaries. The guy is a creep.
I feel like he was a shit but I could have at least said something about how he made me feel.
You don't owe anything to salesmen, especially when they're trying to take advantage of you.
posted by rhizome at 1:56 PM on July 14, 2010
I feel like he was a shit but I could have at least said something about how he made me feel.
You don't owe anything to salesmen, especially when they're trying to take advantage of you.
posted by rhizome at 1:56 PM on July 14, 2010
I would have just said, "No, we can't have sex. I don't want to talk to you any more."
One thing bothers me about your post. You say that you have a problem with alcohol. You know you have a problem with alcohol. So don't drink it, even if someone brings it over. If you can't stop once you start, don't start. Pretty simple.
Having drunken make out sessions with someone you aren't interested in seems to lead him on a bit (before anyone jumps my shit: it does not give him the right to demand sex), and I can see why he might be confused. It seems like by telling him that "yes, I want to fool around, but I don't want a relationship" you were potentially going to fulfill many a man's dream: fun with no strings. You might be thinking, "I don't want to have sex", but if you didn't say that outright, and were willing to fool around, I can kind of see where this guy may have thought more was coming around the corner. Guys aren't mind readers. Spell it out and you can limit the drama.
i don't know what fooling around is w/o sex
I am also uncertain about "fooling around". A lot of the "younger set" seem to put oral sex into a category of "not sex". So was oral involved? This could add to the confusion.
I think verbyournouns made a good suggestion, and that txmon is right on. I would not say "coward", but you may want to analyze your behavior if you are in that many situations where you are "frequently" giving people the silent treatment.
posted by bolognius maximus at 2:16 PM on July 14, 2010
One thing bothers me about your post. You say that you have a problem with alcohol. You know you have a problem with alcohol. So don't drink it, even if someone brings it over. If you can't stop once you start, don't start. Pretty simple.
Having drunken make out sessions with someone you aren't interested in seems to lead him on a bit (before anyone jumps my shit: it does not give him the right to demand sex), and I can see why he might be confused. It seems like by telling him that "yes, I want to fool around, but I don't want a relationship" you were potentially going to fulfill many a man's dream: fun with no strings. You might be thinking, "I don't want to have sex", but if you didn't say that outright, and were willing to fool around, I can kind of see where this guy may have thought more was coming around the corner. Guys aren't mind readers. Spell it out and you can limit the drama.
i don't know what fooling around is w/o sex
I am also uncertain about "fooling around". A lot of the "younger set" seem to put oral sex into a category of "not sex". So was oral involved? This could add to the confusion.
I think verbyournouns made a good suggestion, and that txmon is right on. I would not say "coward", but you may want to analyze your behavior if you are in that many situations where you are "frequently" giving people the silent treatment.
posted by bolognius maximus at 2:16 PM on July 14, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
I am on the wagon.posted by mathowie (staff) at 2:35 PM on July 14, 2010
It was just booze fueled kissing.
He only stayed over once due to not being able to drive home. (nothing happened but the kissing) He came over twice.
Normally, I'd say go ahead and blow this guy off, for reasons enumerated above.
However, I have to reluctantly acknowledge that refusing sex and proceeding to fool around is kinda giving him mixed messages. Mixed messages increase confusion and confusion tends to increase attraction.
The silent treatment also increases confusion, so you may inadvertently be increasing his attraction by using it. If you want to be totally sure of doing all you can to get rid of him, you could explicitly tell him to go away and then ignore him.
Or not. If you really cannot stand to deal with this guy in any way, that's okay too. You could just leave his feelings of confusion to be his own problem, and you be kind to yourself and deal with your own problems.
I don't know about the other people you've blown off, maybe they were equally deserving. It might help to not cooperate the first time someone crosses a line. I don't mean argue, I mean just not cooperate. Frex I don't mind people showing up unannounced, but if I did I just wouldn't let them in. Pretty soon they won't show up unannounced any more.
posted by tel3path at 3:08 PM on July 14, 2010
However, I have to reluctantly acknowledge that refusing sex and proceeding to fool around is kinda giving him mixed messages. Mixed messages increase confusion and confusion tends to increase attraction.
The silent treatment also increases confusion, so you may inadvertently be increasing his attraction by using it. If you want to be totally sure of doing all you can to get rid of him, you could explicitly tell him to go away and then ignore him.
Or not. If you really cannot stand to deal with this guy in any way, that's okay too. You could just leave his feelings of confusion to be his own problem, and you be kind to yourself and deal with your own problems.
I don't know about the other people you've blown off, maybe they were equally deserving. It might help to not cooperate the first time someone crosses a line. I don't mean argue, I mean just not cooperate. Frex I don't mind people showing up unannounced, but if I did I just wouldn't let them in. Pretty soon they won't show up unannounced any more.
posted by tel3path at 3:08 PM on July 14, 2010
However, I have to reluctantly acknowledge that refusing sex and proceeding to fool around is kinda giving him mixed messages. Mixed messages increase confusion and confusion tends to increase attraction.
I think you have the chronology out of order. They fooled around, then he started pushing for sex.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:20 PM on July 14, 2010
I think you have the chronology out of order. They fooled around, then he started pushing for sex.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:20 PM on July 14, 2010
He finally cuts to the chase one night and asks if we could just cut the shit and start having sex.
FUCK this guy.
But don't fuck this guy.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:29 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
FUCK this guy.
But don't fuck this guy.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 3:29 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Any contact with this is an invitation for him to respond. It sounds like he understands contact isn't welcomed. Don't confuse him and risk getting entangled in a protracted exchange.
posted by stuart_s at 3:53 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by stuart_s at 3:53 PM on July 14, 2010
>So, I just blew this guy off with the silent treatment. I just feel like a coward because I do this frequently with people.
The silent treatment is a perfectly legitimate way to blow people off and doesn't deserve the bad rap it has gotten. Anyone at any time has the perfect right to just disappear and stop answering calls. The only reason I can fathom for avoiding this method is to avoid misunderstanding, IE: The person you blow off might assume you're dead or busy or whatever. If they KNOW or even SUSPECT that the reason is you just don't want to see them, they should just get the hell over it. They don't have a right to a perfectly reasoned essay on why you're not taking their calls.
>He came over once or twice bringing alcohol and lots of it. I have a problem with alcohol.( I can't stop once I start) I had had a fling with one of his friends before(ended terribly by the way) His friend knew about my problem, not so sure if he did. He gets here and we get drunk, fool around but no sex. .Right before he left he mentioned something that only I and his friend would know about, and it really weirded me out. I no longer talk to his friend(one I had a fling with) so I was kind of upset knowing I had been discussed.
If this means what I think it means, IE "My old fling told new guy that I can't hold my liquor and getting me drunk was the easiest way to get me in the sack" then both old guy AND new guy are scumbags. This is totally disgusting behavior on both of their parts.
>Next day he wants to hang out again soon, I kept putting him off but not being mean.
You see, you already TRIED the "nice rejection" and what does he do?
>Then he starts telling me he loves me blah blah blah. Then he starts with the "you don't care about me" bullshit. I had told him way ahead in advance that I just wanted a friend and not a relationship, and I thought he understood that. He finally cuts to the chase one night and asks if we could just cut the shit and start having sex.
He disrespects your "no" and refuses to quit. He tries to make you feel guilty when you haven't done anything wrong.
>So, I quit talking to him. He emailed me asking why. As much as I wanted to go off on him I didn't. That's the last time I heard from him.
Hallelujah! Sing choirs of angels! Don't you DARE apologize to this scum. You did everything 100% right, he did everything 100% wrong. For the sake of your fellow men and women everywhere, stick to your guns and don't feel guilty. You did the world a favor.
posted by Nixy at 4:45 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
The silent treatment is a perfectly legitimate way to blow people off and doesn't deserve the bad rap it has gotten. Anyone at any time has the perfect right to just disappear and stop answering calls. The only reason I can fathom for avoiding this method is to avoid misunderstanding, IE: The person you blow off might assume you're dead or busy or whatever. If they KNOW or even SUSPECT that the reason is you just don't want to see them, they should just get the hell over it. They don't have a right to a perfectly reasoned essay on why you're not taking their calls.
>He came over once or twice bringing alcohol and lots of it. I have a problem with alcohol.( I can't stop once I start) I had had a fling with one of his friends before(ended terribly by the way) His friend knew about my problem, not so sure if he did. He gets here and we get drunk, fool around but no sex. .Right before he left he mentioned something that only I and his friend would know about, and it really weirded me out. I no longer talk to his friend(one I had a fling with) so I was kind of upset knowing I had been discussed.
If this means what I think it means, IE "My old fling told new guy that I can't hold my liquor and getting me drunk was the easiest way to get me in the sack" then both old guy AND new guy are scumbags. This is totally disgusting behavior on both of their parts.
>Next day he wants to hang out again soon, I kept putting him off but not being mean.
You see, you already TRIED the "nice rejection" and what does he do?
>Then he starts telling me he loves me blah blah blah. Then he starts with the "you don't care about me" bullshit. I had told him way ahead in advance that I just wanted a friend and not a relationship, and I thought he understood that. He finally cuts to the chase one night and asks if we could just cut the shit and start having sex.
He disrespects your "no" and refuses to quit. He tries to make you feel guilty when you haven't done anything wrong.
>So, I quit talking to him. He emailed me asking why. As much as I wanted to go off on him I didn't. That's the last time I heard from him.
Hallelujah! Sing choirs of angels! Don't you DARE apologize to this scum. You did everything 100% right, he did everything 100% wrong. For the sake of your fellow men and women everywhere, stick to your guns and don't feel guilty. You did the world a favor.
posted by Nixy at 4:45 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
You could be the biggest coward in the world and still I think you dealt with this jerk okay. I don't know about the other times you use the silent treatment, but I wouldn't worry about this time. Some people thrive on mind games; any communication at all is an opportunity to press, accuse, wheedle, hurl abuse, and all sorts of other pushy bullshit, and cutting off contact is a strong option then.
posted by fleacircus at 5:09 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by fleacircus at 5:09 PM on July 14, 2010
You are not a coward. Keep avoiding this creep. You owe him nothing. He got inside info to try and take advantage. I would be really careful about starting drinking around guys you don't want to get with if you have a problem stopping once you start, just so you can try to prevent doing anything you regret. But, you definitely are doing the right thing by cutting off contact.
posted by ishotjr at 5:19 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by ishotjr at 5:19 PM on July 14, 2010
The silent treatment is a perfectly legitimate way to blow people off and doesn't deserve the bad rap it has gotten. Anyone at any time has the perfect right to just disappear and stop answering calls.
People have the right to do any number of inconsiderate things. But when you don't want to see someone anymore, assuming they haven't done anything wrong to you, this isn't OK. I think we can be way too quick to start tallying up how little we "owe" other people. Just because social obligations aren't written into law doesn't mean we can't be decent. So use words sometimes, that's what they're there for.
That said, OP, I think you're doing the right thing in this situation. You know this guy is a creep; much better to keep your distance.
Right before he left he mentioned something that only I and his friend would know about, and it really weirded me out.
I guess it really depends on the details, but isn't your friend to blame for this?
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 5:58 PM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
People have the right to do any number of inconsiderate things. But when you don't want to see someone anymore, assuming they haven't done anything wrong to you, this isn't OK. I think we can be way too quick to start tallying up how little we "owe" other people. Just because social obligations aren't written into law doesn't mean we can't be decent. So use words sometimes, that's what they're there for.
That said, OP, I think you're doing the right thing in this situation. You know this guy is a creep; much better to keep your distance.
Right before he left he mentioned something that only I and his friend would know about, and it really weirded me out.
I guess it really depends on the details, but isn't your friend to blame for this?
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 5:58 PM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
>People have the right to do any number of inconsiderate things. But when you don't want to see someone anymore, assuming they haven't done anything wrong to you, this isn't OK. I think we can be way too quick to start tallying up how little we "owe" other people. Just because social obligations aren't written into law doesn't mean we can't be decent. So use words sometimes, that's what they're there for.
I disagree. I think there is too much pressure to be "polite" in situations like this that can be especially detrimental to women with pushy ex-dates or ex-boyfriends. I used to think along the same lines as you until I realized that a sign of true respect or love for another person is respecting their boundaries and their right to blow you off or dislike you for any reason. Anger at their "rudeness" usually betrays a lack of deeper empathy and also shows that you're the one who's more emotionally invested, perhaps unhealthily. If someone wants nothing to do with you, want nothing to do with them, that's how I look at it. No harm no foul and to each their own.
posted by Nixy at 6:53 PM on July 14, 2010
I disagree. I think there is too much pressure to be "polite" in situations like this that can be especially detrimental to women with pushy ex-dates or ex-boyfriends. I used to think along the same lines as you until I realized that a sign of true respect or love for another person is respecting their boundaries and their right to blow you off or dislike you for any reason. Anger at their "rudeness" usually betrays a lack of deeper empathy and also shows that you're the one who's more emotionally invested, perhaps unhealthily. If someone wants nothing to do with you, want nothing to do with them, that's how I look at it. No harm no foul and to each their own.
posted by Nixy at 6:53 PM on July 14, 2010
All I'm saying is that if you want nothing to do with someone, dropping off the face of the earth until they figure it out isn't the right way to make that happen. Of course people need to respect other people's boundaries. But it's just unkind to let somebody you're not interested in wait around for you until they finally realise that they're not wanted and haven't been for a while. Again, unless you're actually scared of them or something, why not go silent after you've told them what you do and don't want? It's really not just about being polite. Other people's feelings merit consideration.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 7:15 PM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 7:15 PM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
Not that I don't recognise the kind of situation you're describing, Nixy. I just think people need to communicate what they want, as long as they feel safe doing so. Sometimes it's just too easy to make unpleasant situations, like rejection, the other person's problem. I've been guilty of it too, but I regret it. I mean emotional investment actually isn't a crime.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 7:19 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 7:19 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I guess I don't get what is wrong with one, and only one, email that clearly states: That the OP is not willing to maintain contact with the motherfucker. That the OP cannot provide an explanation as to why she is not willing to maintain contact. That the OP respectfully requests that he gives her space.
It may be the former lawyer in me, but I love a paper trail. If the mother fucker goes apeshit and you need a TRO, such a record might help, yeah?
I guess I read the question as: I was upfront about no relationship, we kissed, he got all dramatic, and I ceased all communication. In other situations, I have similarly ceased all communication. Am I a bad person for doing this?
The answer is no, you are absolutely not (also not wrong for kissing him when you said no sex, and of course not wrong for not having sex). But perhaps your communication strategies would be more efficient with a concise, firm message, made in a way that does not endanger you at all.
posted by angrycat at 7:47 PM on July 14, 2010
It may be the former lawyer in me, but I love a paper trail. If the mother fucker goes apeshit and you need a TRO, such a record might help, yeah?
I guess I read the question as: I was upfront about no relationship, we kissed, he got all dramatic, and I ceased all communication. In other situations, I have similarly ceased all communication. Am I a bad person for doing this?
The answer is no, you are absolutely not (also not wrong for kissing him when you said no sex, and of course not wrong for not having sex). But perhaps your communication strategies would be more efficient with a concise, firm message, made in a way that does not endanger you at all.
posted by angrycat at 7:47 PM on July 14, 2010
Also: It does sound like perhaps this guy got the inside scoop on your booze issues and perhaps was trying to get at you somehow by revealing intimacies. He really does sound creepy.
But being clear is more about protecting you, not protecting the feelings of the mother fucker. Yes, silence is ultimately interpreted in a way that is consistent with what you want (i.e., to not deal with him) but this may not happen immediately.
posted by angrycat at 7:51 PM on July 14, 2010
But being clear is more about protecting you, not protecting the feelings of the mother fucker. Yes, silence is ultimately interpreted in a way that is consistent with what you want (i.e., to not deal with him) but this may not happen immediately.
posted by angrycat at 7:51 PM on July 14, 2010
He finally cuts to the chase one night and asks if we could just cut the shit and start having sex, then you stopped talking to him? and he has the nerve to ask why? he bloody well knows exactly why! the chain of events here is as obvious as it gets, you don't owe him an explanation.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:29 PM on July 14, 2010
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:29 PM on July 14, 2010
"But being clear is more about protecting you, not protecting the feelings of the mother fucker. Yes, silence is ultimately interpreted in a way that is consistent with what you want (i.e., to not deal with him) but this may not happen immediately."
This. It could be good practice in making a clear rejection statement, too, for future mfs who try to fuck with your boundaries. It's a matter of what will make you feel better: if making a statement will feel better to you, go ahead. If you feel better making no statement, continue not to make one.
posted by tel3path at 12:14 AM on July 15, 2010
This. It could be good practice in making a clear rejection statement, too, for future mfs who try to fuck with your boundaries. It's a matter of what will make you feel better: if making a statement will feel better to you, go ahead. If you feel better making no statement, continue not to make one.
posted by tel3path at 12:14 AM on July 15, 2010
you're definitely not a coward. he's certainly a dumbass.
posted by batmonkey at 8:50 AM on July 15, 2010
posted by batmonkey at 8:50 AM on July 15, 2010
I'm glad you're done with this guy (and you are becuase there's nothing else you need to or should say to him).
Just be aware that blowing people off in situations less abrasive than the one you describe here is generally not a very adult thing to do. For example if 2 of your friend sgo to the movies and you are mad because you weren't invited, you should have a conversation with them about it and try to see their reasoning rather than "blow them off".
I want to repeat though, in this situation, you did the right thing.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:46 AM on July 15, 2010
Just be aware that blowing people off in situations less abrasive than the one you describe here is generally not a very adult thing to do. For example if 2 of your friend sgo to the movies and you are mad because you weren't invited, you should have a conversation with them about it and try to see their reasoning rather than "blow them off".
I want to repeat though, in this situation, you did the right thing.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:46 AM on July 15, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by not_on_display at 12:35 PM on July 14, 2010 [6 favorites]