He's moving, I'm not. How do we ride it out to the end?

June 26, 2010 1:05 PM

Help me make the best of the last two months we have together? He's moving, not dying.

I've been seeing a pretty cool guy for four months. He just told me that he's taken a job transfer 700 miles away.*

We're both analytical geeks, so he didn't say "you must come with me", (though he did say I was the only reason this was a difficult choice to make) and I'm not willing to just up and leave my job, cats, and friends here to go with him. But maybe I would? It's just too soon to know that I like him well enough to live with him, let alone move for him.

So how do I/we make the best of the remaining time before he moves? I don't hate him (yet?) for this, but I know the emotional roller coaster will probably start. We're both about 30.

*I've known that he was looking for a new position in his company after his group moved to a different location, but I didn't know he was considering a relocation. To be fair he has family in the new city, and no non-work ties beyond me in our current location, so it's not entirely surprising.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

This will probably be an unpopular answer. If you've been dating four months, and you don't know if you like him enough to merely live with him, and you're both thirty, this is not the guy for you. Keep shopping.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:09 PM on June 26, 2010 [4 favorites]

I wholeheartedly disagree with roomthreeseventeen. 30 is not some magic number where single people should quickly find the "one" or go jump off a bridge.
posted by special-k at 1:21 PM on June 26, 2010 [19 favorites]

You're looking at half your entire relationship more time together. Enjoy the time you have and let tomorrow take care of itself -- it probably will. A lot can change in that time, f/ex gaining more clarity about your relationship. About the only thing not to do is spend the time counting the remaining time, because that way leads to panic and rash decisions. In fact, you might want to decide right now to not go with him, leaving open the possibility of your following him later after you've had your two more months together plus at least as much more time alone in your respective cities, having said your good-byes and focusing on your (separate) heres and-nows. You'll probably come to know better what you want by then. Best of luck, enjoy your time together, and I hope for both of you, that you come to compatible decisions.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 1:48 PM on June 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

You should decide now if you want to try an LDR or any sort of arrangement with future possibilities, and if not, break up amicably and say your goodbyes. Otherwise, the good times you attempt to have together will have the stench of death over them. Uncertainty leads to awkwardness, awkwardness leads to misery.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:56 PM on June 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

said: "So how do I/we make the best of the remaining time before he moves?"

Do lots of fun things together. Whether or not this relationship works out for you guys, try to create some fun memories. It will either be a fun interlude in your relationship, or something you can look back on with fondness later.
posted by Solomon at 2:03 PM on June 26, 2010

roomthreeseventeen, where did the poster say that she (I'm assuming it's a she) doesn't like him enough to merely live with him? That's not a "merely" for many people, plus it isn't about living with him - she'd have to move with him to a new city.

My reading of it is that they both like each other a lot, but are not sure that they can or should move their lives around and make sacrifices simply to be with each other. That could change, but it's a hard choice to make either way - especially just four months in. In any case, I don't think it's any kind of judgment on their feelings for each other.

anonymous, if that reading is correct, then I think your challenge will be two fold:
*To not resent him for the choice he's made so that you can really enjoy the time you do have together,
*Enjoy the time you have together without investing too much in the relationship or expecting him to ask you to come.

Having a good time with someone you like is not difficult. Allowing yourself to have a good time when you know that the better your time together, the more you will miss him when he's gone - that's very difficult. What can you do? Well, for starters, you can be happy that you've met him, and have a lot of time to spend with him. You can remind yourself (as often as you need to) to not take his choice personally or overthink it to the point where you start doubting his feelings. Or you can put all kinds of pressure and expectations on it and watch it blow up. Or you can decide that the impending heartache is not worth it - although your question indicates that you probably won't choose that option.

What might help is adding a few years to the equation - say, five years. In 2015, you will either be with him or you won't. In either case, what will you wish that you'd done in this situation? For me the answer in any case would be: I'd want to not put any pressure on the relationship just because he's leaving, and be happy for the time I have to know more about and enjoy the company of someone I like enough to even consider leaving my city for, and to not jump to any conclusions about his feelings or mine - but especially his. (YMMV, of course.)

It's hard to do that when the future will bring separation and you're vulnerable and want everything figured out, but that's when it's needed the most. So in my opinion just focus on not judging him and not needing from him, allow yourself to be happy but don't expect it to last forever - and the next two months will be as good as they can get. This will also enable you both to better figure out how you really feel about each other without making this about expiry dates or deadlines.

Do this on your own terms; let him have the freedom to do the same. Also, 700 miles is not a death sentence for any relationship... In my experience, expectations destroy more relationships than distance does.
posted by mondaygreens at 2:36 PM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Listen to a lot of new music and try lots of food you've never had before.
posted by fire&wings at 2:43 PM on June 26, 2010

mondaygreens, I put in the word merely, obviously. OP said that she doesn't even know if she likes him enough to live with him, let alone move with him. And not that thirty is a magic number, but you're certainly mature enough at thirty to know four months into a relationship if you like someone enough to live with them.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:50 PM on June 26, 2010

but you're certainly mature enough at thirty to know four months into a relationship if you like someone enough to live with them.

I'm not sure about that, roomthreeseventeen. It took me and my (now) husband three years to move in together, at about the same age. I don't think it's a question of maturity, there's a lot that goes into deciding to uproot your life and move with someone, or deciding to give up an opportunity to be with someone.

anonymous, we went through nearly the exact same situation as you, except I was the one who was leaving. During the months where we knew I was going, we carried on as before, having a lovely time and enjoying each other. I ended up deciding not to go, even though he insisted that I shouldn't stay for him. It all worked out beautifully in our cases.

I say agree to not worry about it and enjoy each other, and see where the chips fall in a few month's time. Don't be afraid to be happy together because of how much it might hurt later.
posted by ukdanae at 3:55 PM on June 26, 2010 [2 favorites]

Hmm, have you written to Cary Tennis lately? Someone else had the same problem...

Anyway, if LDR'ing isn't an option--and realistically, it probably shouldn't be after 4 months and it'd be indefinite--I vote that you just break up now. Why get more attached for two more months, unless the both of you can manage that "summer vacation" level of detachment.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:13 PM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

I met my wife when I was just about to leave for a year of study abroad. During that year she came to visit me and we traveled together. A little while later, I went off for another year someplace else, and that time we met halfway and traveled together.

In between, we spent a lot of time on Skype.

We were both about 30. It's working out very, very well.

This is the key: how do you feel when you're around them? Is being with them natural, easy, fun? If so, it probably is worth pursuing. If being around them is easy, staying close to them while far away will be easier too.

The one difference between your situation and mine is both of us were flexible in where we were going to end up; neither of us was particularly tied to a geographical location. That made it possible for us to choose one single location where we could live together.

If you don't think that that is likely to happen then, yeah, you're going to have to let this one go, otherwise the person who moves and "gives up" their life is just going to resent the other person.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:56 PM on June 26, 2010

moving for someone is a big step. you could try the LDR, and see if emotionally you two can grow with the physical proximity. you dont want to ever regret him or the relationship so if you are unsure as to whether it is the right choice, it might not be. then again, you don't want to always be thinking, "what if?". do the LDR, see how you feel. if it feels right to move forward from there, do so. if not, you haven't made life changes that leave you in a new place, alone.
posted by LemonGardot at 11:57 AM on July 7, 2010