Special snowflake has quarter-life crisis, seeks relationship advice
June 13, 2010 9:46 PM Subscribe
I'm a terrible person navigating uncharted waters. What should I do now?
Copious special snowflake details inside.
My apologies in advance for the tl, dr and for all the feelings.
I'm 22, female, and just graduated from university in May. I've been with my boyfriend, R, for six years. This is the first serious relationship for both of us. As we started dating just before he left for school, the majority of our relationship has been long distance. I made the mistake of choosing my university based on proximity to R, and was miserable for the next four years.
R is two years older than I am and in a doctoral program at a major university. Upon my graduation, the plan was for me to move in with him while I took a year off from school. Here's where the difficulty begins.
I took a senior capstone course as part of my degree program. Without getting into too much detail, the course required working closely with a small group of other students on a major project. The department is quite small, so I was generally acquainted with all of them, though I'd certainly not say that we were friends. The final project required a great deal of work, and through many hours spent in the lab, I got to know my classmates reasonably well.
As it turns out, I have a great deal in common with one of the students from the department, B. We ended up spending most of the week between exams and commencement together, and I even delayed my move to the city where R lives to have more time with B. Initially, our relationship was strictly platonic, but it quickly became evident that there was potential for more, and things turned intimate.
The week ended with B and I expressing our love for one another. B says that I'm amazing and he's willing to wait for me to figure my life out before we pursue things further. Suffice it to say that I really like him, and he really seems to honestly care about me. He's still in the city where we attended university, completing a master's degree, and we've been exchanging frequent emails and text messages since I left.
Even before meeting B, I was acutely aware of R's negative traits. He's extremely critical and doesn't hesitate to point out what he perceives as my shortcomings, which often leads me to feel as though he doesn't really respect me. He refuses to hold hands or otherwise demonstrate affection in public. Friends and acquaintances often say that we interact more like friends than long-term romantic partners. Our sex life isn't amazing; we have sex maybe twice a year and it's not a particularly enjoyable experience for me.
On two separate occasions, R has had issues with wanting to be with other women, though he maintains that nothing actually happened. Several years ago, he spent the summer in another state for a research project. Soon after arriving, he called me and asked if I'd consider an open relationship. I reacted negatively and he did not speak to me again for eight weeks except to occasionally respond to my instant messages or texts in a rude fashion. He returned at the end of the summer and not a word was mentioned about any of this.
These issues aside, there are things that I love about R. He's comfortable to be with, and we have nearly everything in common. We're both introverts, content with staying in rather than going out.
B is everything R is not. He's sweet and affectionate and lets me know that he likes and respects me. When I am with B, I know that I am loved. At this point, B knows about R and says he'll be happy with whatever I choose to do.
I have very little money and no job at the moment, so I depend on R for housing. I know now that this is an incredibly unhealthy relationship dynamic, but I'm unsure how to remedy it. I've been with him since I was 16, and now I feel as though my development into a "proper person" has been stunted as a result.
I think I want to be with B, but I'm scared, and I'm not sure how to make it happen. I could move home temporarily, but "home" is 1500+ miles away from B. I've contemplated trying to find a job in B's city, but I really don't want to scare him away by coming across as desperately needy. Primarily as a consequence of upbringing, I tend to avoid displays or discussions of emotion, and this just feels so very...demonstrative.
If it matters, I grew up in a single-parent home and actually have no idea what a normal, functional adult relationship looks like. I haven't seen my "father" since I was 12. I recognize that to some extent, R is fulfilling some sort of paternal role for me, and that weirds me out a lot.
I acknowledge that I'm a bad person, but basically, I just want to know what to do at this point.
My apologies in advance for the tl, dr and for all the feelings.
I'm 22, female, and just graduated from university in May. I've been with my boyfriend, R, for six years. This is the first serious relationship for both of us. As we started dating just before he left for school, the majority of our relationship has been long distance. I made the mistake of choosing my university based on proximity to R, and was miserable for the next four years.
R is two years older than I am and in a doctoral program at a major university. Upon my graduation, the plan was for me to move in with him while I took a year off from school. Here's where the difficulty begins.
I took a senior capstone course as part of my degree program. Without getting into too much detail, the course required working closely with a small group of other students on a major project. The department is quite small, so I was generally acquainted with all of them, though I'd certainly not say that we were friends. The final project required a great deal of work, and through many hours spent in the lab, I got to know my classmates reasonably well.
As it turns out, I have a great deal in common with one of the students from the department, B. We ended up spending most of the week between exams and commencement together, and I even delayed my move to the city where R lives to have more time with B. Initially, our relationship was strictly platonic, but it quickly became evident that there was potential for more, and things turned intimate.
The week ended with B and I expressing our love for one another. B says that I'm amazing and he's willing to wait for me to figure my life out before we pursue things further. Suffice it to say that I really like him, and he really seems to honestly care about me. He's still in the city where we attended university, completing a master's degree, and we've been exchanging frequent emails and text messages since I left.
Even before meeting B, I was acutely aware of R's negative traits. He's extremely critical and doesn't hesitate to point out what he perceives as my shortcomings, which often leads me to feel as though he doesn't really respect me. He refuses to hold hands or otherwise demonstrate affection in public. Friends and acquaintances often say that we interact more like friends than long-term romantic partners. Our sex life isn't amazing; we have sex maybe twice a year and it's not a particularly enjoyable experience for me.
On two separate occasions, R has had issues with wanting to be with other women, though he maintains that nothing actually happened. Several years ago, he spent the summer in another state for a research project. Soon after arriving, he called me and asked if I'd consider an open relationship. I reacted negatively and he did not speak to me again for eight weeks except to occasionally respond to my instant messages or texts in a rude fashion. He returned at the end of the summer and not a word was mentioned about any of this.
These issues aside, there are things that I love about R. He's comfortable to be with, and we have nearly everything in common. We're both introverts, content with staying in rather than going out.
B is everything R is not. He's sweet and affectionate and lets me know that he likes and respects me. When I am with B, I know that I am loved. At this point, B knows about R and says he'll be happy with whatever I choose to do.
I have very little money and no job at the moment, so I depend on R for housing. I know now that this is an incredibly unhealthy relationship dynamic, but I'm unsure how to remedy it. I've been with him since I was 16, and now I feel as though my development into a "proper person" has been stunted as a result.
I think I want to be with B, but I'm scared, and I'm not sure how to make it happen. I could move home temporarily, but "home" is 1500+ miles away from B. I've contemplated trying to find a job in B's city, but I really don't want to scare him away by coming across as desperately needy. Primarily as a consequence of upbringing, I tend to avoid displays or discussions of emotion, and this just feels so very...demonstrative.
If it matters, I grew up in a single-parent home and actually have no idea what a normal, functional adult relationship looks like. I haven't seen my "father" since I was 12. I recognize that to some extent, R is fulfilling some sort of paternal role for me, and that weirds me out a lot.
I acknowledge that I'm a bad person, but basically, I just want to know what to do at this point.
I reacted negatively and he did not speak to me again for eight weeks except to occasionally respond to my instant messages or texts in a rude fashion. He returned at the end of the summer and not a word was mentioned about any of this.
Seriously? This is not a loving relationship. I hate to be the one to say it, but DTMFA may be the best option.
posted by rancidchickn at 9:57 PM on June 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Seriously? This is not a loving relationship. I hate to be the one to say it, but DTMFA may be the best option.
posted by rancidchickn at 9:57 PM on June 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
What's the question here? If it's about whether you're a bad person, there's no evidence that you are. Yes, you cheated on your boyfriend, and that's not a very nice thing to do, and you should cut that out, but it doesn't make you a bad person. You made a mistake. Everyone makes them, and you're not evil.
If the question is about whether you should break up with R, the answer is clearly yes. You don't seem to like him much, and your reasons for being with him seem to be fear and inertia. Lots of people are introverts; that's not a basis for a relationship. End it now. Don't tell him about the other guy; that would likely hurt him unnecessarily. Just tell him that you're not in love with him anymore and that you wish him all the best, but that you need to start a life without him.
If the question is about your living situation, that's a little more complicated, but not much. The job market sucks right now, and there's no shame in moving home and living with your family until you can find a job. And you can look for jobs anywhere you want. B seems to want a relationship with you, so it wouldn't be "desperate" or otherwise bad to look for a job nearby enough that you could see whether that'll work out. But don't move there to live with him; get your own place and build your own life so that if it doesn't work out, you'll still have other things going on.
Here's what I'd do: make a list of every city you've ever wanted to live in. Include places you've lived before and liked, places the people you care about live, places you've visited and loved, and places that just seem awesome. Then, search for every job you're qualified for in all of those cities. See if people you know in your field are hiring or know of people who are. Apply for every single one of those jobs. Unless you are in unusually high demand for a recent grad, that's what it'll take to get a job. And where you find a job will determine where you should live.
B has told you that he'll let you take the lead, so take it. If it's meant to be, it will be.
posted by decathecting at 10:02 PM on June 13, 2010 [6 favorites]
If the question is about whether you should break up with R, the answer is clearly yes. You don't seem to like him much, and your reasons for being with him seem to be fear and inertia. Lots of people are introverts; that's not a basis for a relationship. End it now. Don't tell him about the other guy; that would likely hurt him unnecessarily. Just tell him that you're not in love with him anymore and that you wish him all the best, but that you need to start a life without him.
If the question is about your living situation, that's a little more complicated, but not much. The job market sucks right now, and there's no shame in moving home and living with your family until you can find a job. And you can look for jobs anywhere you want. B seems to want a relationship with you, so it wouldn't be "desperate" or otherwise bad to look for a job nearby enough that you could see whether that'll work out. But don't move there to live with him; get your own place and build your own life so that if it doesn't work out, you'll still have other things going on.
Here's what I'd do: make a list of every city you've ever wanted to live in. Include places you've lived before and liked, places the people you care about live, places you've visited and loved, and places that just seem awesome. Then, search for every job you're qualified for in all of those cities. See if people you know in your field are hiring or know of people who are. Apply for every single one of those jobs. Unless you are in unusually high demand for a recent grad, that's what it'll take to get a job. And where you find a job will determine where you should live.
B has told you that he'll let you take the lead, so take it. If it's meant to be, it will be.
posted by decathecting at 10:02 PM on June 13, 2010 [6 favorites]
You're definitely not a bad person. At the absolute worst, you could be called young and inexperienced. It's almost inconceivably rare to actually settle down with someone you were with as a teenager. It's entirely natural to grow away from them.
The key here, is you need to essentially set a precedent for yourself. You have a hard, hard choice ahead of you, and one way is immediate and unpleasant changes, as well as emotional hardship. The other leads to a lifetime of accepting and avoiding those hard changes in exchange for longer, drawn out unpleasantness, waiting for something to change. Don't take the second road. Don't embrace the passive side. Accept that things are changing, and that you are, too. This is the beginning of finding out who you are, because if you're saying, at 22, that you're a bad person, you really haven't figured yourself out yet.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:05 PM on June 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
The key here, is you need to essentially set a precedent for yourself. You have a hard, hard choice ahead of you, and one way is immediate and unpleasant changes, as well as emotional hardship. The other leads to a lifetime of accepting and avoiding those hard changes in exchange for longer, drawn out unpleasantness, waiting for something to change. Don't take the second road. Don't embrace the passive side. Accept that things are changing, and that you are, too. This is the beginning of finding out who you are, because if you're saying, at 22, that you're a bad person, you really haven't figured yourself out yet.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:05 PM on June 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Dude, you just said that you feel your growth as a person has been stunted by planning the formative years of your adulthood around your beau. So why would you immediately do something crazy like plan future years where you could be developing into an independent, self-sufficient person by planning your future around Beau #2?
You don't even know what it's like to be independent and single and on your own. This is a crucial experience for people. It is incredibly scary and reveals our most desperate and deepest insecurities and loneliness, but it is through this process that we finally exit the birth canal and begin to figure out who we are without the influence of those around us.
I suggest you pick a city that seems awesome--a city that does not have R or B in it--and find a job there. Like, even a Starbucks job. Get yourself some roommates and housing, and jump in feet first into the world. You are young. You don't have babies. You have many years to fuck up and start over and dammit, you will not find adulthood unless you've done a bit of fucking up along the way.
And you know, you're not a bad person for wanting to be loved, be in a healthy relationship, and to be your own person.
posted by Anonymous at 10:06 PM on June 13, 2010
You don't even know what it's like to be independent and single and on your own. This is a crucial experience for people. It is incredibly scary and reveals our most desperate and deepest insecurities and loneliness, but it is through this process that we finally exit the birth canal and begin to figure out who we are without the influence of those around us.
I suggest you pick a city that seems awesome--a city that does not have R or B in it--and find a job there. Like, even a Starbucks job. Get yourself some roommates and housing, and jump in feet first into the world. You are young. You don't have babies. You have many years to fuck up and start over and dammit, you will not find adulthood unless you've done a bit of fucking up along the way.
And you know, you're not a bad person for wanting to be loved, be in a healthy relationship, and to be your own person.
posted by Anonymous at 10:06 PM on June 13, 2010
I vote for breaking up with R, moving home and getting the first job you can, saving money and looking for a job you'd like, either in B's city or somewhere else.
You know you don't want to be with R. It's okay to have what you want.
posted by freshwater at 10:07 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know you don't want to be with R. It's okay to have what you want.
posted by freshwater at 10:07 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
First of all, you are not a bad person. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, and R is not giving that to you at all!
B says that he's "willing to wait for you to figure your life out." That does not sound like a person who would think you are "desperately needy" if you move to his city. I think you should do it. Move there--but into your own place, not with him--find a job, and move on with your life.
At the very least, you need to break up with R. He's a total jerk, and you deserve better. Don't waste any more time with him. This is coming from someone who spent 7 years with someone who sounds very much like R, who I got together with when I was 18, so I know whereof I speak!
posted by apricot at 10:08 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
B says that he's "willing to wait for you to figure your life out." That does not sound like a person who would think you are "desperately needy" if you move to his city. I think you should do it. Move there--but into your own place, not with him--find a job, and move on with your life.
At the very least, you need to break up with R. He's a total jerk, and you deserve better. Don't waste any more time with him. This is coming from someone who spent 7 years with someone who sounds very much like R, who I got together with when I was 18, so I know whereof I speak!
posted by apricot at 10:08 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I reacted negatively and he did not speak to me again for eight weeks except to occasionally respond to my instant messages or texts in a rude fashion. He returned at the end of the summer and not a word was mentioned about any of this.
You don't give us R's age but you mention it was several years ago and that you started going out when you were 16. This is exactly the kind of thing immature young men do. Respectfully, I would have dumped his ass at this point and taught him a lesson about communication/manipulation. But after so many years, it may not be worth holding onto.
That said, it doesn't sound particularly like you want to be with him anymore. I would listen to that feeling at. In fact, having gone through a recent break up with all the qualities that you describe here, I think being single would be a good thing for you. Do not make the mistake of thinking that because you are an 'introvert' that this is your last chance at happiness and you will never meet anyone ever again.
posted by marmaduke_yaverland at 10:18 PM on June 13, 2010
You don't give us R's age but you mention it was several years ago and that you started going out when you were 16. This is exactly the kind of thing immature young men do. Respectfully, I would have dumped his ass at this point and taught him a lesson about communication/manipulation. But after so many years, it may not be worth holding onto.
That said, it doesn't sound particularly like you want to be with him anymore. I would listen to that feeling at. In fact, having gone through a recent break up with all the qualities that you describe here, I think being single would be a good thing for you. Do not make the mistake of thinking that because you are an 'introvert' that this is your last chance at happiness and you will never meet anyone ever again.
posted by marmaduke_yaverland at 10:18 PM on June 13, 2010
To me it sounds dangerously like you wouldn't consider leaving R unless you had B ready and waiting to move on to. Please leave R as soon as you have a secure backup housing plan and don't look back. It sounds so miserable that you are going to look back on it in awe and horror of what you were subjecting yourself to. (bad sex twice a year??... it boggles the mind!!)
I think you should consider moving in with a platonic friend from university who doesn't mind you crashing on their couch until you find a job and save a few bucks, and pursue a much happier life! wish you the best and so glad you are getting out of the quicksand!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:23 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you should consider moving in with a platonic friend from university who doesn't mind you crashing on their couch until you find a job and save a few bucks, and pursue a much happier life! wish you the best and so glad you are getting out of the quicksand!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:23 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
So, uh, you've only had one serious relationship, and now it looks like you have another. Be the kind of person you want to be with; don't lead anyone on or screw anyone over, even if that makes your living situation more difficult. Let that simple thing be your guide.
posted by davejay at 10:36 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 10:36 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I really suggest leaving R ASAP. Do what you need to do to find a job or crash with a friend or be a housesitter for someone, but it's not fair to either of you to keep pretending like you have a future together when it's very clear you don't.
As for B. Well, have you considered the possibility of being alone for awhile? Perhaps the hot and heavies of the new relationship phase have made B look rosier than B really is. Step back a tick and really look hard.
posted by inturnaround at 10:38 PM on June 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
As for B. Well, have you considered the possibility of being alone for awhile? Perhaps the hot and heavies of the new relationship phase have made B look rosier than B really is. Step back a tick and really look hard.
posted by inturnaround at 10:38 PM on June 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
and he did not speak to me again for eight weeks except to occasionally respond to my instant messages or texts in a rude fashion. He returned at the end of the summer and not a word was mentioned about any of this.
DTMFA, move on, learn to stand up for yourself--not talking about not being in touch for eight weeks is really amazingly bad for any relationship.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:59 PM on June 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
DTMFA, move on, learn to stand up for yourself--not talking about not being in touch for eight weeks is really amazingly bad for any relationship.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:59 PM on June 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
Break up with R.
It sounds like a move to B's city is really just a move back to your old city. You said you were miserable - due to the university or to other parts of your life? Would you like living and working there? Do you have friends there? If the answer to both questions is yes, why not go back? Put out the word that you're interested in moving back. Maybe you can couchsurf with friends. Get a job at Starbucks or somewhere immediately, so that you have cash coming in & can afford rent, then start to look for other work. I would see B & see where it goes - provided that you think you would be happy living in this city whether or not things with B go well.
If you don't have friends there or if you don't see yourself enjoying living and working in that city, don't move there. If you don't have enough to pay for a few months's expenses, go back and home & start earning money. If you do have a few month's expenses, skip that step and go directly to looking around and deciding what city out there (your old home, your university home, your current home, or something else entirely) sounds good to you. Move there. Date around. See what happens.
You aren't a bad person.
posted by studioaudience at 11:00 PM on June 13, 2010
It sounds like a move to B's city is really just a move back to your old city. You said you were miserable - due to the university or to other parts of your life? Would you like living and working there? Do you have friends there? If the answer to both questions is yes, why not go back? Put out the word that you're interested in moving back. Maybe you can couchsurf with friends. Get a job at Starbucks or somewhere immediately, so that you have cash coming in & can afford rent, then start to look for other work. I would see B & see where it goes - provided that you think you would be happy living in this city whether or not things with B go well.
If you don't have friends there or if you don't see yourself enjoying living and working in that city, don't move there. If you don't have enough to pay for a few months's expenses, go back and home & start earning money. If you do have a few month's expenses, skip that step and go directly to looking around and deciding what city out there (your old home, your university home, your current home, or something else entirely) sounds good to you. Move there. Date around. See what happens.
You aren't a bad person.
posted by studioaudience at 11:00 PM on June 13, 2010
schroedinger: Dude, you just said that you feel your growth as a person has been stunted by planning the formative years of your adulthood around your beau. So why would you immediately do something crazy like plan future years where you could be developing into an independent, self-sufficient person by planning your future around Beau #2?
Please ask yourself this. It is crucial.
You honestly don't need to have a partner. You can be single and happy.
posted by geek anachronism at 11:08 PM on June 13, 2010 [8 favorites]
Please ask yourself this. It is crucial.
You honestly don't need to have a partner. You can be single and happy.
posted by geek anachronism at 11:08 PM on June 13, 2010 [8 favorites]
Oh, I am happy for you. It sounds like ... after living in a harsh, dry climate, you just woke up to the watering rain of love and permission to be who you really are and live for yourself, and that's wonderful. Your analysis of this situation seems generally self-aware and smart, hence all the responses that say "what is the question?" So, I agree with the emerging consensus: break up with R as quickly and cleanly as possible; prioritize self-reliance, independence, and your future; question whether you need to get your permissions from someone else; and if you still want to date B, go for it!
The potential downfall here is your inclination toward feeling like "a bad person." Look, if you want to feel like a bad person say, in the bedroom, I completely approve. You also have my blessing if you want to view yourself as terrible while saying confession or donating to offset your impact on the world's imperiled ecosystems. However, with respect to R, who has his own self-interest at heart, and who has a tendency toward being harsh and critical, you cannot view yourself as a bad person. You cannot see this situation and your actions through his eyes. You are not betraying or injuring R by following your heart. All human relationships bring with them the possibility (the certainty, really) of an ending, and he knew that, and--here it is! It's sad, but it also sounds like it would be freeing for you both.
If anything, I'd say your big mistake here was trying to be too good of a person, not knowing your own needs well enough or not believing they could be met, and therefore not realizing what an unfulfilling relationship this was for far too long. But that seems like a very innocent lack of knowledge. It's hard to know what's possible until you experience it. So it's not surprising to me that you had to see an alternative to know what you were missing. Yes, (emotional?) cheating is not a good behavior, so you could have acted on your realizations a bit sooner. But it doesn't sound like you've been carrying something on in secret for months; it sounds like you acted honorably in a relationship until something made you realize what you were missing, and now you are acting honorably on that knowledge. I would come to peace with yourself about what you liked and didn't like about your behavior and not bring your guilt to R.
You are definitely not bad for falling out of love with R or for falling in love with B. What I most hope is that you do not leave this breakup carrying guilt that might cause you to hold back from really enjoying your freedom going forward or from fully enjoying your new or future love with B, or A or C. So please do not approach this breakup with the viewpoint that you are a bad person. Unless you can really take it to the hilt and find it enjoyable and even freeing to really be just so very bad. But even then, I'd say the goal would be to come around to seeing that it is really not bad at all about doing what you want and following your heart.
P.S. I love how you apologized "for all the feelings." Yes, please be as robotic and emotionless as possible in the future! SARCASTIC Especially for relationship questions! ;)
posted by salvia at 11:44 PM on June 13, 2010 [6 favorites]
The potential downfall here is your inclination toward feeling like "a bad person." Look, if you want to feel like a bad person say, in the bedroom, I completely approve. You also have my blessing if you want to view yourself as terrible while saying confession or donating to offset your impact on the world's imperiled ecosystems. However, with respect to R, who has his own self-interest at heart, and who has a tendency toward being harsh and critical, you cannot view yourself as a bad person. You cannot see this situation and your actions through his eyes. You are not betraying or injuring R by following your heart. All human relationships bring with them the possibility (the certainty, really) of an ending, and he knew that, and--here it is! It's sad, but it also sounds like it would be freeing for you both.
If anything, I'd say your big mistake here was trying to be too good of a person, not knowing your own needs well enough or not believing they could be met, and therefore not realizing what an unfulfilling relationship this was for far too long. But that seems like a very innocent lack of knowledge. It's hard to know what's possible until you experience it. So it's not surprising to me that you had to see an alternative to know what you were missing. Yes, (emotional?) cheating is not a good behavior, so you could have acted on your realizations a bit sooner. But it doesn't sound like you've been carrying something on in secret for months; it sounds like you acted honorably in a relationship until something made you realize what you were missing, and now you are acting honorably on that knowledge. I would come to peace with yourself about what you liked and didn't like about your behavior and not bring your guilt to R.
You are definitely not bad for falling out of love with R or for falling in love with B. What I most hope is that you do not leave this breakup carrying guilt that might cause you to hold back from really enjoying your freedom going forward or from fully enjoying your new or future love with B, or A or C. So please do not approach this breakup with the viewpoint that you are a bad person. Unless you can really take it to the hilt and find it enjoyable and even freeing to really be just so very bad. But even then, I'd say the goal would be to come around to seeing that it is really not bad at all about doing what you want and following your heart.
P.S. I love how you apologized "for all the feelings." Yes, please be as robotic and emotionless as possible in the future! SARCASTIC Especially for relationship questions! ;)
posted by salvia at 11:44 PM on June 13, 2010 [6 favorites]
It's definitely time to break up with R. It seems like the relationship's run its course. But this doesn't mean you have to take up with B. Right now, he's a guy you're infatuated with (mutual infatuation is still infatuation). There's nothing wrong with mutual infatuation (actually, it's pretty awesome!) but it doesn't mean you need to have a serious relationship with this guy. You will likely have lots of relationships (ranging from flirtations to long-term, committed partnership) throughout your life with lots of different people, and not all of them will last forever.
For practical advice, I'd echo those who recommend staying at home for a few months if you can, working as many hours as you can at whatever job you can get. Stay in touch with B and see how you feel in, say, September. Go visit him and see how things go. But don't make any permanent decisions right now - you've graduated from college and are (hopefully) about to break up with your first boyfriend. That's a lot of change in one month - give yourself a breather.
Good luck!
posted by lunasol at 11:50 PM on June 13, 2010
For practical advice, I'd echo those who recommend staying at home for a few months if you can, working as many hours as you can at whatever job you can get. Stay in touch with B and see how you feel in, say, September. Go visit him and see how things go. But don't make any permanent decisions right now - you've graduated from college and are (hopefully) about to break up with your first boyfriend. That's a lot of change in one month - give yourself a breather.
Good luck!
posted by lunasol at 11:50 PM on June 13, 2010
You've already broken up with R in your head, and he's already broken up with you. If you're living together, it makes it that much harder to break the inertia, but your number one task for the time being is to move out. You don't even need to necessarily break up first, but move the hell out. Get a roommate, a female/platonic one to help with living expenses. Then break up with your boyfriend. But move out.
And to second geek anacrhonism--don't jump into any relationship right now. Be single. You need some me time. If B comes to you, that's great, but it's secondary to getting away from R. It can be terrifying, no doubt, to be "alone" when you've always been with someone, but plenty of people do it every day. Good luck.
posted by zardoz at 11:50 PM on June 13, 2010
And to second geek anacrhonism--don't jump into any relationship right now. Be single. You need some me time. If B comes to you, that's great, but it's secondary to getting away from R. It can be terrifying, no doubt, to be "alone" when you've always been with someone, but plenty of people do it every day. Good luck.
posted by zardoz at 11:50 PM on June 13, 2010
I've seen friends of mine- younger than you, but in the similar emotional "place" of ending a not- great first teenage relationship- exit the not-great relationship and then immediately devote themselves to finding another relationship. And the relationship they find might not be great either, but they seem to really need the self esteem boost of having a boyfriend- more than they need the actual person they're in a relationship with. Their identity and self worth is tied up with being a girlfriend and having a boy like them best, and they don't see how much more they deserve.
Obviously this might not apply to you at all, but I'd suggest not getting into another serious relationship immediately and taking some time to be happy just being you alone. If you don't figure that out, I think you're at high risk for finding yourself in another crappy relationship with a guy who doesn't respect you and treats you poorly. You deserve so much better than that.
posted by MadamM at 11:52 PM on June 13, 2010
Obviously this might not apply to you at all, but I'd suggest not getting into another serious relationship immediately and taking some time to be happy just being you alone. If you don't figure that out, I think you're at high risk for finding yourself in another crappy relationship with a guy who doesn't respect you and treats you poorly. You deserve so much better than that.
posted by MadamM at 11:52 PM on June 13, 2010
Just date B.
posted by delmoi at 12:24 AM on June 14, 2010
On two separate occasions, R has had issues with wanting to be with other women, though he maintains that nothing actually happened. Several years ago, he spent the summer in another state for a research project. Soon after arriving, he called me and asked if I'd consider an open relationship. I reacted negatively and he did not speak to me again for eight weeks except to occasionally respond to my instant messages or texts in a rude fashion. He returned at the end of the summer and not a word was mentioned about any of this.Well, call him up and see if he's still interested in an "Open" relationship. I'm kind of curious how he'd react to that. But anyway, you like B more so date him. R will feel bad, but that's life. People move on and you shouldn't feel restrained. Besides he was probably dating someone during those 8 weeks anyway.
Dude, you just said that you feel your growth as a person has been stunted by planning the formative years of your adulthood around your beau. So why would you immediately do something crazy like plan future years where you could be developing into an independent, self-sufficient person by planning your future around Beau #2?Yeah. You should work on being independent. Date B but do it casually for a while.
You don't even know what it's like to be independent and single and on your own. This is a crucial experience for people.
posted by delmoi at 12:24 AM on June 14, 2010
You're not a bad person. You just fucked up. Let he who is without sin cast the first whatever.
It sucks that your housing situation is intertwined with R's, but consider this the kick in the pants you need to break up, go forth, and be free. Some fair warning, though: oftentimes, the one who gets you out isn't the one you wind up with. Don't begin intertwining your fate with B's now, on accord of his influence.
Good luck and enjoy figuring out the rest of your life...
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:28 AM on June 14, 2010
It sucks that your housing situation is intertwined with R's, but consider this the kick in the pants you need to break up, go forth, and be free. Some fair warning, though: oftentimes, the one who gets you out isn't the one you wind up with. Don't begin intertwining your fate with B's now, on accord of his influence.
Good luck and enjoy figuring out the rest of your life...
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:28 AM on June 14, 2010
Frequently, when a person has to choose between two love interests, the correct choice is neither.
B sounds like a decent guy. Falling for someone who's already in a relationship can be a pretty thorny scenario, and he seems to be handling it as maturely as anyone in his position can. And he's more concerned with your doing what's right for yourself than the both of you ending up together. If you leave R for him, you'll probably have made a good decision.
However, I agree with those who say you should take a break and be single for a while. There's really something to be said for learning to be alone, both in the mental sense and in the nuts and bolts of figuring out how to keep yourself housed, fed, and entertained. And there's something to be said for learning how to leave a bad relationship before you find a convenient out. (I recognize your conundrum isn't exactly convenient, but was breaking up with R an option before you met B? Would your senior year have been better spent without him?)
Regardless of which path you take, these three things are clear: You're not a bad person. You need to break up with R. You're still young and have all the opportunity in the world to grow into a "proper person," but it's not a passive task - get out there and start growing.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:43 AM on June 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
B sounds like a decent guy. Falling for someone who's already in a relationship can be a pretty thorny scenario, and he seems to be handling it as maturely as anyone in his position can. And he's more concerned with your doing what's right for yourself than the both of you ending up together. If you leave R for him, you'll probably have made a good decision.
However, I agree with those who say you should take a break and be single for a while. There's really something to be said for learning to be alone, both in the mental sense and in the nuts and bolts of figuring out how to keep yourself housed, fed, and entertained. And there's something to be said for learning how to leave a bad relationship before you find a convenient out. (I recognize your conundrum isn't exactly convenient, but was breaking up with R an option before you met B? Would your senior year have been better spent without him?)
Regardless of which path you take, these three things are clear: You're not a bad person. You need to break up with R. You're still young and have all the opportunity in the world to grow into a "proper person," but it's not a passive task - get out there and start growing.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:43 AM on June 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
You are not a bad person. Something happened to you at some point in your life to make you believe that you are not capable of taking care of yourself. So you stay with R out of dependency, even though you are not growing as a person and he mistreats you and ignores you.
You really, really need to get out and on your own. Yes, you will be able to do it. You will be surprised at how resourceful you can be, once you take that first step and try. You seem, from the way your post is written, to be an intelligent thoughtful person. I am absolutely sure that you have the skills you need to find your way.
I know it's hard, but try not to get too wrapped up in B right now. Even though he seems much, much better than R, if you make decisions based on your prospects with him, then you are still making decisions in your life that revolve around a guy, and you won't get over the dependency that's at the heart of your problem. Being able to stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself is the way to avoid having these dilemmas in the future. Then you can make decisions about your relationships based on what is truly best for you.
FWIW, I have been in your shoes, and I had a child, a minimum wage job, and no education. I was essentially homeless for a few years, I couch-surfed, and spent some time in transitional housing. It wasn't easy, but nothing horrible happened to me, and I was able to get back on my feet. Now I do okay, and I know that I have the internal resources to survive in the event things go kablooey again. You wouldn't believe what that does for your sense of security.
posted by cottonswab at 5:24 AM on June 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
You really, really need to get out and on your own. Yes, you will be able to do it. You will be surprised at how resourceful you can be, once you take that first step and try. You seem, from the way your post is written, to be an intelligent thoughtful person. I am absolutely sure that you have the skills you need to find your way.
I know it's hard, but try not to get too wrapped up in B right now. Even though he seems much, much better than R, if you make decisions based on your prospects with him, then you are still making decisions in your life that revolve around a guy, and you won't get over the dependency that's at the heart of your problem. Being able to stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself is the way to avoid having these dilemmas in the future. Then you can make decisions about your relationships based on what is truly best for you.
FWIW, I have been in your shoes, and I had a child, a minimum wage job, and no education. I was essentially homeless for a few years, I couch-surfed, and spent some time in transitional housing. It wasn't easy, but nothing horrible happened to me, and I was able to get back on my feet. Now I do okay, and I know that I have the internal resources to survive in the event things go kablooey again. You wouldn't believe what that does for your sense of security.
posted by cottonswab at 5:24 AM on June 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
R sounds mean. People shouldn't be with other people who are mean to them.
posted by gaspode at 8:04 AM on June 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by gaspode at 8:04 AM on June 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
You should end this thing with R, it sounds more like a zombie relationship that was effectively over long ago but is somehow still marching along. Move back home, stay in touch with B, and save up some money. Don't move in with B right away, spend a little time in your own place (with roommates or not, I mean not in your mom's house, boyfriend's house, etc.)
I am imagining you as the sort of person who likes the feeling of having a boyfriend, and being able to tell people you have a boyfriend. I'm not sure why else you would have stayed with this guy this long. You have not been living near him, but you seem to be very afraid of being single, only willing to consider being with R or B. There must be something that you are afraid will happen if you break up with R and then don't immediately move in with B -- figure out what that is, why it is so scary to you, and what you would do if that scary thing happened.
posted by yohko at 8:54 AM on June 14, 2010
I am imagining you as the sort of person who likes the feeling of having a boyfriend, and being able to tell people you have a boyfriend. I'm not sure why else you would have stayed with this guy this long. You have not been living near him, but you seem to be very afraid of being single, only willing to consider being with R or B. There must be something that you are afraid will happen if you break up with R and then don't immediately move in with B -- figure out what that is, why it is so scary to you, and what you would do if that scary thing happened.
posted by yohko at 8:54 AM on June 14, 2010
but for a few details (the schooling part), you could be me, complete with the dad issues/ using R as a security blanket (as i like to call it). it was the hardest thing i ever did, but i left my R for my B, striking out on my own completely (i depended on my R for housing too). a year and a half later, i am happily married to my B, and though there have been logistical and financial hardships along the way, i know what it's like to be truly happy for the first time ever. i thought i was a terrible person too. you're NOT. trust me. in fact, you're most likely a wonderful person based on the pure fact that you're putting this much thought into the situation. it always stuns me how many people really end up in situations like ours.
Leave R. Be with B. worst case scenario, you and B don't end up working out, but you're still better off without R. the relationship you're in right now will keep you from growing and becoming the person you want to be.
on a side note, i recommend thinking about a bit of therapy for the sex side of things. not because there's anything wrong with you, but i know personally for me it was a really hard transition going from not enjoying sex to the possibility of enjoying it. it's been very hard for me to pull my brain out of the automatic reflex of "oh, i have to have sex now....this is going to suck", even though common sense tells me it will be just fine. i'm still dealing with that and regret very much that i'm not in therapy at all.
posted by assasinatdbeauty at 9:02 AM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Leave R. Be with B. worst case scenario, you and B don't end up working out, but you're still better off without R. the relationship you're in right now will keep you from growing and becoming the person you want to be.
on a side note, i recommend thinking about a bit of therapy for the sex side of things. not because there's anything wrong with you, but i know personally for me it was a really hard transition going from not enjoying sex to the possibility of enjoying it. it's been very hard for me to pull my brain out of the automatic reflex of "oh, i have to have sex now....this is going to suck", even though common sense tells me it will be just fine. i'm still dealing with that and regret very much that i'm not in therapy at all.
posted by assasinatdbeauty at 9:02 AM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Having a non-standard parental situation growing up is NOT, i repeat, NOT dooming you in the process. I, personally, rose above a situation somewhat similar (I technically have FOUR parents, as my bio parents remarried when i was in preschool), the fact I was raised partly by a single mom has no bearing on my adult abilities to form relationships. In fact, I am proudly the only person in my immediate family to have never divorced. I've happily been in my primary relationship for just shy of a decade. Yes, it took trial and error to get to that point, and I own up to both the triumphs and the tragedies.
From what I read of your situation, it sounds to me that you're stuck on being independent and self-reliant, but you're at the age/place in life where you're *supposed* to be working this out (that is, after graduation).
Your first step is to establish your own residence under your own power and not rely or be dependent on anyone (especially a guy) for this. once you've experienced the freedom and responsibilities of caring for yourself as an adult can you truly partner up with someone to build a household and a life together that is not based on dependency.
Others above have given you good advice on what to do re R and B. I see hints in what you write that it is likely time for you to gracefully end your relationship with R, and set off in your new life and independence while forming a new relationship with B, knowing not to repeat the part of being dependent upon the person with whom you are having a relationship.
And finally, seriously, you do not sound like a 'bad person' ... I encourage you to end that line of thinking entirely. If it helps, for the next few weeks or so, every time you catch your reflection somewhere, think or even say out loud "I'm a great person!" and from time to time add "and I make great choices!" The power of positive thinking will help you shake out of what you've been experiencing of late...
posted by kuppajava at 9:16 AM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
From what I read of your situation, it sounds to me that you're stuck on being independent and self-reliant, but you're at the age/place in life where you're *supposed* to be working this out (that is, after graduation).
Your first step is to establish your own residence under your own power and not rely or be dependent on anyone (especially a guy) for this. once you've experienced the freedom and responsibilities of caring for yourself as an adult can you truly partner up with someone to build a household and a life together that is not based on dependency.
Others above have given you good advice on what to do re R and B. I see hints in what you write that it is likely time for you to gracefully end your relationship with R, and set off in your new life and independence while forming a new relationship with B, knowing not to repeat the part of being dependent upon the person with whom you are having a relationship.
And finally, seriously, you do not sound like a 'bad person' ... I encourage you to end that line of thinking entirely. If it helps, for the next few weeks or so, every time you catch your reflection somewhere, think or even say out loud "I'm a great person!" and from time to time add "and I make great choices!" The power of positive thinking will help you shake out of what you've been experiencing of late...
posted by kuppajava at 9:16 AM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're in a crappy relationship. You know this. It may help to recognize that R is in the exact same crappy relationship. By ending that relationship, you will be helping him, as well.
posted by whatnotever at 9:37 AM on June 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by whatnotever at 9:37 AM on June 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
#1, there's nothing "bad" about you as a person, at least not in what you've told us here. So you can start by banishing THAT idea from your emotional vocabulary. You are young and you sound somewhat inexperienced, but you're reaching out for guidance, and that puts you several levels beyond your peers who simply think they already know it all.
#2, I wholeheartedly second what other(s) above said: you should not live with either of these men. You should get out on your own, away from university and other support systems, and find out who you are and what you want. And be sure of those things before you launch into a live-in relationship with someone.
#3, I sincerely wish you luck. It takes a lot to be self-aware enough to ask for advice, and i hope the choices you end up making are good ones for you.
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 9:43 AM on June 14, 2010
#2, I wholeheartedly second what other(s) above said: you should not live with either of these men. You should get out on your own, away from university and other support systems, and find out who you are and what you want. And be sure of those things before you launch into a live-in relationship with someone.
#3, I sincerely wish you luck. It takes a lot to be self-aware enough to ask for advice, and i hope the choices you end up making are good ones for you.
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 9:43 AM on June 14, 2010
I don't see what's so terrible. It sounds like you're in a bad relationship and you have every right to end it. Although your selecting another relationship to go to after this one could be described as cheating, I don't think this is a terrible case of that either. You're not married to R and you aren't acting frivolously, you've just found someone else you'd rather be with.
This is, as others have said, also your chance to establish living arrangements that suit your own preferences and won't be severely disrupted if you break up with the new guy.
Enjoy!
posted by tel3path at 2:10 PM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is, as others have said, also your chance to establish living arrangements that suit your own preferences and won't be severely disrupted if you break up with the new guy.
Enjoy!
posted by tel3path at 2:10 PM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
These issues aside, there are things that I love about R. He's comfortable to be with, and we have nearly everything in common. We're both introverts, content with staying in rather than going out.
Ever hear the phrase "damning with faint praise?" Yeah. You could find a dog or a cat that provides you with most of these things.
posted by yarly at 5:07 PM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ever hear the phrase "damning with faint praise?" Yeah. You could find a dog or a cat that provides you with most of these things.
posted by yarly at 5:07 PM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Do you like B's city? If so, find a job in B's city, find a place to live, get on with your life and enjoy being with B. Cut R off and I bet you won't think of him except with relief in a couple of months.
posted by argybarg at 9:53 PM on June 13, 2010