Dating: Be proactive or wait and see what happens?
June 6, 2010 5:19 PM Subscribe
I thought we were having a good time, but maybe it was only me.
I had a four hour coffee date with a guy I met online. He is a self-proclaimed geek, into scifi and films and graphic novels. I thought he seemed sweet and smart and interesting. We had eerily similar taste in a lot of things and I left liking him very much. I thought he might be a little shy or reserved, but gave him a hug as we said goodbye. He texted the next day to say he had a nice time, I let him know that I would be open to seeing him again, and we made plans to go to dinner and a movie that weekend. We texted back and forth all week and it was nice. I was looking forward to seeing him again.
First date: We had a lot of time to kill before dinner and the movie, so we sat and talked. He was much more open this time, making jokes and asking questions. No awkward silences. I am usually shy, and was happy that things seemed to be going well. We ended up seeing a much later movie and I think we were both getting tired by that time, but again, no outward signs of boredom or distress. He was a little fidgety during the movie; we stayed though the credits and at one point it seemed like he might have been debating about kissing me, but nothing happened. Then, as soon as we walked out of the theater, it was like he ran away from me! We were both parked in the same area, but on different levels, so he walked me halfway to my car and then stood about three feet away from me. I was expecting some normal end-of-date awkwardness but wasn't sure what was happening. I wanted to hug him again--to let him know that I was still interested--but couldn't tell if he would be open to that or just wanted to get away from me, so I did nothing. Instead I thanked him for dinner, told him I had a good time and said, "Talk to you soon?" He agreed and then left for his car.
I didn't mind that he didn't try to kiss me, but I was disappointed and confused. Something felt like it had gone wrong somewhere, but I didn't know where. I wondered if we both had been reading each other the wrong way and thought the other was only interested in being friends. So today I said, "fuck it" and texted him to say thanks again for dinner, I had a nice time. He immediately responded that it was "no problem," and he liked the movie. Knowing what little I do about this man, I was torn between interpreting this as him shutting the door or leaving it open a crack. I agreed and told him to let me know if he wanted to see another movie we had talked about. Again, he replied right away and said, "I just might." Then radio silence.
I am not feeling hopeful about this one, so it's probably back to the dating site for me. The problem is, I am constantly torn between feeling that I should let men pursue me, or trying to figure out if they need a little incentive (or an obvious sign -- like me asking him out on another date). Is there any way to tell when you should wait it out or be proactive in a dating situation? Whatever I do, I always feel like it's the wrong decision. And if I do see this guy again, should I just be upfront and let him know that I like him and would be interested in dating him?
I had a four hour coffee date with a guy I met online. He is a self-proclaimed geek, into scifi and films and graphic novels. I thought he seemed sweet and smart and interesting. We had eerily similar taste in a lot of things and I left liking him very much. I thought he might be a little shy or reserved, but gave him a hug as we said goodbye. He texted the next day to say he had a nice time, I let him know that I would be open to seeing him again, and we made plans to go to dinner and a movie that weekend. We texted back and forth all week and it was nice. I was looking forward to seeing him again.
First date: We had a lot of time to kill before dinner and the movie, so we sat and talked. He was much more open this time, making jokes and asking questions. No awkward silences. I am usually shy, and was happy that things seemed to be going well. We ended up seeing a much later movie and I think we were both getting tired by that time, but again, no outward signs of boredom or distress. He was a little fidgety during the movie; we stayed though the credits and at one point it seemed like he might have been debating about kissing me, but nothing happened. Then, as soon as we walked out of the theater, it was like he ran away from me! We were both parked in the same area, but on different levels, so he walked me halfway to my car and then stood about three feet away from me. I was expecting some normal end-of-date awkwardness but wasn't sure what was happening. I wanted to hug him again--to let him know that I was still interested--but couldn't tell if he would be open to that or just wanted to get away from me, so I did nothing. Instead I thanked him for dinner, told him I had a good time and said, "Talk to you soon?" He agreed and then left for his car.
I didn't mind that he didn't try to kiss me, but I was disappointed and confused. Something felt like it had gone wrong somewhere, but I didn't know where. I wondered if we both had been reading each other the wrong way and thought the other was only interested in being friends. So today I said, "fuck it" and texted him to say thanks again for dinner, I had a nice time. He immediately responded that it was "no problem," and he liked the movie. Knowing what little I do about this man, I was torn between interpreting this as him shutting the door or leaving it open a crack. I agreed and told him to let me know if he wanted to see another movie we had talked about. Again, he replied right away and said, "I just might." Then radio silence.
I am not feeling hopeful about this one, so it's probably back to the dating site for me. The problem is, I am constantly torn between feeling that I should let men pursue me, or trying to figure out if they need a little incentive (or an obvious sign -- like me asking him out on another date). Is there any way to tell when you should wait it out or be proactive in a dating situation? Whatever I do, I always feel like it's the wrong decision. And if I do see this guy again, should I just be upfront and let him know that I like him and would be interested in dating him?
If this all happened this weekend, he's trying to play it cool.
If this all happened last weekend, then he just didn't have as good a time as you did, or something else freaked him out.
Either way, the ball is in his court. You've given him all the appropriate and necessary signs that you're still interested. Give it a few days, then go back to the dating site and try again.
posted by Etrigan at 5:29 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
If this all happened last weekend, then he just didn't have as good a time as you did, or something else freaked him out.
Either way, the ball is in his court. You've given him all the appropriate and necessary signs that you're still interested. Give it a few days, then go back to the dating site and try again.
posted by Etrigan at 5:29 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Five bucks says the dude had to take a dump. Badly. I know I don't dump on the first date.
"I just might" sounds like he is coyly saying yes, he would like to see you again. Honestly, if the guy is interested in you then he isn't going to be bothered by you being proactive. It's difficult to scare away a potential interest if they are looking forward to seeing you again.
posted by Loto at 5:30 PM on June 6, 2010 [12 favorites]
"I just might" sounds like he is coyly saying yes, he would like to see you again. Honestly, if the guy is interested in you then he isn't going to be bothered by you being proactive. It's difficult to scare away a potential interest if they are looking forward to seeing you again.
posted by Loto at 5:30 PM on June 6, 2010 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Wait a couple of days, then just pick something to do and ask if he wants to do that too. More than likely he will, and if not, whatevs...
You like him, you want to do stuff together, if he decides he doesn't, you ain't gonna cry.
After a few more of you initiating dates, and he doesn't do the same then that's when you let it go.
posted by waterandrock at 5:34 PM on June 6, 2010
You like him, you want to do stuff together, if he decides he doesn't, you ain't gonna cry.
After a few more of you initiating dates, and he doesn't do the same then that's when you let it go.
posted by waterandrock at 5:34 PM on June 6, 2010
For whatever it's worth, if I ever wrote "I just might." what I'd actually have written there, in code, is "Never gonna happen." It's difficult for me to tell someone who is showing interest in me that I don't want to see them again. "I just might." would be my way of letting off softly, if I were unable to summon up the jam to tell them outright. I wish I was stronger, more forthright, and sometimes I am. But not always.
posted by dancestoblue at 5:36 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by dancestoblue at 5:36 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just in concrast to dancestoblue... when I say "I just might" I mean yes. If I say something like "that might be nice" I mean no. Just that exact phrase means yes to me.
But, either way, and to repeat what others have said, what's the downside of just asking him out?
posted by brainmouse at 5:40 PM on June 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
But, either way, and to repeat what others have said, what's the downside of just asking him out?
posted by brainmouse at 5:40 PM on June 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure how to read the 'I just might' text message, but when it comes to the end-of-date potential-kissing awkwardness, I Am That Man. I never know how to do it - there's the standard fear-of-rejection issue combined with the even deeper fear of coming across as creepy or worse. I think every girl I've every actually kissed has essentially planted one on me to get the ball rolling, and my current girlfriend complains (in a comedic way) that if she hadn't kept things going in our early days, we would have just gone our separate ways.
FWIW, my advice is to ask him straight out on a date again, and if it goes ahead to make it Very Clear Indeed in the way that girls sometimes do that you want to kiss him - touches on the arm and standing close and whatever else you do. If he says no to the date, it doesn't seem like you have a lot on the line anyway.
Best of luck!
posted by StephenF at 5:42 PM on June 6, 2010
FWIW, my advice is to ask him straight out on a date again, and if it goes ahead to make it Very Clear Indeed in the way that girls sometimes do that you want to kiss him - touches on the arm and standing close and whatever else you do. If he says no to the date, it doesn't seem like you have a lot on the line anyway.
Best of luck!
posted by StephenF at 5:42 PM on June 6, 2010
Well if you just went out this Friday/Saturday I think it's too soon tp be concerned at all. Just wait and see what happens. If you don't hear from him in a couple days, then just text something like "are you free [whatever] day for that movie?"
If it was last weekend, it seems a little more like it's probably not going to happen. But even if it was you don't have much to lose from sending him basically the same "hey, how about [whatever] day for that movie we talked about?" text. That way you've given it a solid shot!
posted by grapesaresour at 5:45 PM on June 6, 2010
If it was last weekend, it seems a little more like it's probably not going to happen. But even if it was you don't have much to lose from sending him basically the same "hey, how about [whatever] day for that movie we talked about?" text. That way you've given it a solid shot!
posted by grapesaresour at 5:45 PM on June 6, 2010
you hugged him, texted him repeatedly, and asked :
I said, "Talk to you soon?"
who to someone who walked me halfway to my car and then stood about three feet away from me.
texted him to say thanks again for dinner, I had a nice time........<>
You have, in fact, already asked him out on a date.
em>I ...told him to let me know if he wanted to see another movie we had talked about.....he replied right away and said, "I just might." Then radio silence.
posted by uans at 5:46 PM on June 6, 2010
I said, "Talk to you soon?"
who to someone who walked me halfway to my car and then stood about three feet away from me.
texted him to say thanks again for dinner, I had a nice time........<>
You have, in fact, already asked him out on a date.
em>I ...told him to let me know if he wanted to see another movie we had talked about.....he replied right away and said, "I just might." Then radio silence.
posted by uans at 5:46 PM on June 6, 2010
"Thanks, I had a really great time!"
"Yeah, me too! Let's definitely do it again. No problem, I really liked the movie."
"Well, we should do it again -- let me know if you want to see Marmaduke like we talked about."
"For sure, how's Thursday? I just might."
He's not interested. I don't see what you could have done besides telling him "I really think you're a cool guy but I just want to be friends" to make him think that you only wanted to be friends. You've been pretty clear about telling him you're having a great time with him. He doesn't have the balls to say he doesn't want to go on another date. Next!
Also, walking you halfway to your car? I hate him.
posted by thebazilist at 5:48 PM on June 6, 2010 [13 favorites]
"
"Well, we should do it again -- let me know if you want to see Marmaduke like we talked about."
"
He's not interested. I don't see what you could have done besides telling him "I really think you're a cool guy but I just want to be friends" to make him think that you only wanted to be friends. You've been pretty clear about telling him you're having a great time with him. He doesn't have the balls to say he doesn't want to go on another date. Next!
Also, walking you halfway to your car? I hate him.
posted by thebazilist at 5:48 PM on June 6, 2010 [13 favorites]
oops, got cut off in the middle of my response............It sounds to me like he isn't interested. And I disagree with the idea that
It's difficult to scare away a potential interest if they are looking forward to seeing you again.
It's difficult to scare away someone who's head over heels, but it's easy to look desperate to someone who has only an ordinary interest in you. This applies to both genders.
posted by uans at 5:52 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's difficult to scare away a potential interest if they are looking forward to seeing you again.
It's difficult to scare away someone who's head over heels, but it's easy to look desperate to someone who has only an ordinary interest in you. This applies to both genders.
posted by uans at 5:52 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You just need to be direct. Give him some time though since you don't want to seem clingy. But feel free to invite him to something, if there's another movie you want to see. See what he says.
posted by delmoi at 5:54 PM on June 6, 2010
posted by delmoi at 5:54 PM on June 6, 2010
If you don't ask for or take things you want, don't be surprised if you don't get them.
In short, if you want to kiss him...kiss him. If he were asking the same thing, I'd give him the same advice.
posted by inturnaround at 5:57 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
In short, if you want to kiss him...kiss him. If he were asking the same thing, I'd give him the same advice.
posted by inturnaround at 5:57 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would have interpreted "I just might," as a coy "yes" myself -- in contrast to posters above, I would probably have gone for something in the "We'll see" range as the most tactful "no."
However, as the thread above has demonstrated, this things vary greatly from person to person.
Barring clearer signs, I would continue forward. I have no serious regrets about romances I have pursued, but huge ones about ones I didn't.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:57 PM on June 6, 2010
However, as the thread above has demonstrated, this things vary greatly from person to person.
Barring clearer signs, I would continue forward. I have no serious regrets about romances I have pursued, but huge ones about ones I didn't.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:57 PM on June 6, 2010
Best answer: i have no idea what his intentions were, but this already screams really poor communication to me? maybe it's just me, but i just don't have the patience anymore to sift through this sort of thing -- not at the beginning, and definitely not later on. if it were me, i'd move on. there are plenty of people who will walk you ALL THE WAY to your car, and then (politely, but not too politely) lay it on you! WORTH THE WAIT.
posted by crawfo at 5:59 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by crawfo at 5:59 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Maybe I'm off base, but it sounds to me like he's juggling a couple of possibilities from the dating pool, and he had something else lined up, like another date the same night or a promised phone call or something else. Explains why he was jittery and also why he only walked you halfway to your car. And his texts are short and slightly brusque because he's communicating with more than one woman.
Which isn't the end of the world, because he's just doing what you're doing, looking for someone that clicks. If he calls, consider going out with him again because, hey, you had a good time!
In the meantime, keep your options open, pursue other opportunities if you want. You can always choose to be exclusive down the line if the two of you continue to see each other and it's working out for you.
posted by misha at 6:00 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Which isn't the end of the world, because he's just doing what you're doing, looking for someone that clicks. If he calls, consider going out with him again because, hey, you had a good time!
In the meantime, keep your options open, pursue other opportunities if you want. You can always choose to be exclusive down the line if the two of you continue to see each other and it's working out for you.
posted by misha at 6:00 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The reason dating and early relationships are so fraught with this kind of juvenile panic and mystery (no offence, I do it as well) is because people believe there are some mysterious laws that say everything must be intuitive and true romance needs no explanation.
Bugger that. Text him, call him, tell him you enjoy spending time with him and that you want to do it again - at this particular place, at this particular time - if he says no or something non-committal, then he's not interested and you can move on.
There's no need to tie yourself into knots trying to figure out what a couple of words in a text message mean. If I say "I just might" I mean it's a certainty. Clearly, other people are different. Hence the need to explicity ask him out again.
posted by twirlypen at 6:10 PM on June 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
Bugger that. Text him, call him, tell him you enjoy spending time with him and that you want to do it again - at this particular place, at this particular time - if he says no or something non-committal, then he's not interested and you can move on.
There's no need to tie yourself into knots trying to figure out what a couple of words in a text message mean. If I say "I just might" I mean it's a certainty. Clearly, other people are different. Hence the need to explicity ask him out again.
posted by twirlypen at 6:10 PM on June 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: OP here: a few more details, for the hell of it.
This happened this weekend. He had worked an 11 hour day before we went out. We both thought the movie was at 9:30, but it was actually 10:30. I asked if he still wanted to see it and he said yes, so we walked and talked until then. He mentioned before the movie that he was starting to feel tired. When we finally left the theater, it was close to 1 am. He is not very wordy in general and I would guess that he's a little methodical. I would also guess that he's the type to take things slow in a relationship or get a little gun shy.
I also wasn't sure how to interpret the "I just might"--mainly because I could see myself saying the exact same thing, intending it to be kind of flirty. It isn't out of the ordinary for his personality, but I wish it had been a little more encouraging. But I am also guilty of really liking someone and playing it cool to the point of seeming disinterested.
I normally am content to sit back and see where things go, but I was honestly worried that he may have thought I wasn't into him. But...I don't know. I am feeling a little down, but I guess time will tell.
posted by janekate at 6:13 PM on June 6, 2010
This happened this weekend. He had worked an 11 hour day before we went out. We both thought the movie was at 9:30, but it was actually 10:30. I asked if he still wanted to see it and he said yes, so we walked and talked until then. He mentioned before the movie that he was starting to feel tired. When we finally left the theater, it was close to 1 am. He is not very wordy in general and I would guess that he's a little methodical. I would also guess that he's the type to take things slow in a relationship or get a little gun shy.
I also wasn't sure how to interpret the "I just might"--mainly because I could see myself saying the exact same thing, intending it to be kind of flirty. It isn't out of the ordinary for his personality, but I wish it had been a little more encouraging. But I am also guilty of really liking someone and playing it cool to the point of seeming disinterested.
I normally am content to sit back and see where things go, but I was honestly worried that he may have thought I wasn't into him. But...I don't know. I am feeling a little down, but I guess time will tell.
posted by janekate at 6:13 PM on June 6, 2010
Is a man expected to walk a woman all the way to her car, but not vice versa, because of gender-specific safety issues?
(also I'm in the "I just might" = negative camp, sadly)
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:14 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
(also I'm in the "I just might" = negative camp, sadly)
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:14 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: OP again, I forgot to add:
my current girlfriend complains (in a comedic way) that if she hadn't kept things going in our early days, we would have just gone our separate ways.
This is why I decided to contact him today--because I know a lot of women who said that if they hadn't made the next move, they never would have seen their boyfriend/husband again.
posted by janekate at 6:21 PM on June 6, 2010
my current girlfriend complains (in a comedic way) that if she hadn't kept things going in our early days, we would have just gone our separate ways.
This is why I decided to contact him today--because I know a lot of women who said that if they hadn't made the next move, they never would have seen their boyfriend/husband again.
posted by janekate at 6:21 PM on June 6, 2010
"I am constantly torn between feeling that I should let men pursue me, or trying to figure out if they need a little incentive" I think you've clearly let him know your interest. The ball is in his court now. For the record, as old-fashioned as it may seem and as much as the "He's Just Not That Into You" book has been panned, in general I think it's best to let the man pursue. Not saying women can't show interest initially, but I am not an advocate of a woman chasing a man. Even the shyest man (within normal bounds) is going to go after what he wants or at least respond positively when the door is opened. If he doesn't, either he is not interested ENOUGH or he's not emotionally mature enough for a relationship anyway. Not saying either one of these apply to your fella, but I'm in the camp that says let him be a man now, let him show you that he's into you, let him miss you if that is what it takes. You don't mention your ages, but no matter the age, how old or young or whatever, you are not limited to him. There are other fish in the sea...
posted by GeniPalm at 6:33 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by GeniPalm at 6:33 PM on June 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think Loto is onto something. That was my first thought when you said that he fidgeted in the movie and then didn't walk you all the way to your car. He had to let one go, badly, and there was NO WAY he was going to let you hear it on your first real date.
If I were you, I'd go under the assumption that he is interested and continue communicating with him until you find out otherwise.
posted by wwartorff at 6:33 PM on June 6, 2010
If I were you, I'd go under the assumption that he is interested and continue communicating with him until you find out otherwise.
posted by wwartorff at 6:33 PM on June 6, 2010
It's been, what, a day? Two days? There's no need for action right this second. I think you should wait and see what happens over the next few days- if you're still texting, e-mailing, whatever, over the next few days, ask him on a specific date at a specific time, and see what he says.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:38 PM on June 6, 2010
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:38 PM on June 6, 2010
Today is Sunday. Sunday. So you went out with him this weekend --Friday? Saturday?--texted him and said you were open to another movie --today--Today is Sunday. Give the man time to take breath.
DMelanogaster: Yes, because of gender-specific safety issues.
posted by uans at 6:40 PM on June 6, 2010
DMelanogaster: Yes, because of gender-specific safety issues.
posted by uans at 6:40 PM on June 6, 2010
I would probably wait until around Wednesday and then just call myself if he hadn't. From your explanation I more got the feeling of "socially awkward/not used to this sort of thing" than rejection. Maybe he was afraid that more contact/kissing/walking you to your car would leave you asking us "I saw this guy only a couple times and he's already trying to get into my pants!" instead.
It also sounds like you never responded to his "I just might." Maybe he thinks that the ball is actually in your court and is wondering why you never responded to his text message! It is actually a little hard for me to tell how you acted through all of these things, either, so you might have been inadvertently sending him "not that interested" messages.
I think it is better to stick your neck out to get a definitive no than to give up because you've read too far into some things that didn't actually mean anything. You're not too deep into the relationship yet, so you really don't need to be "let down easy", right?
posted by that girl at 6:48 PM on June 6, 2010
It also sounds like you never responded to his "I just might." Maybe he thinks that the ball is actually in your court and is wondering why you never responded to his text message! It is actually a little hard for me to tell how you acted through all of these things, either, so you might have been inadvertently sending him "not that interested" messages.
I think it is better to stick your neck out to get a definitive no than to give up because you've read too far into some things that didn't actually mean anything. You're not too deep into the relationship yet, so you really don't need to be "let down easy", right?
posted by that girl at 6:48 PM on June 6, 2010
When I say, "I just might!" it's followed, mentally, with something along the lines of, "Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my hind end, too..."
If you just really need to know for sure, ask him out for something specific. Name the movie, name the time, etc, etc, and ask. If he says no, then hey, you've got your answer and you can let it go and move on. Dating, ugh. :(
posted by lemniskate at 6:56 PM on June 6, 2010
If you just really need to know for sure, ask him out for something specific. Name the movie, name the time, etc, etc, and ask. If he says no, then hey, you've got your answer and you can let it go and move on. Dating, ugh. :(
posted by lemniskate at 6:56 PM on June 6, 2010
If you want someone to kiss you, look at their lips for a couple seconds, then slowly back up to their eyes with a little smile. If they don't go for it after that hint, they're not worth kissing.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:57 PM on June 6, 2010
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:57 PM on June 6, 2010
Regardless of the state of his bodily functions at the time, I strongly get the vibe that he lost interest. "I just might" gives me the vibe of "I'll call you," i.e. "I'm trying to be polite, but there is no way I'm actually gonna do it."
Sure, give it a week, maybe you try him one more time, but I would drastically lower my hopes for this one.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:02 PM on June 6, 2010
Sure, give it a week, maybe you try him one more time, but I would drastically lower my hopes for this one.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:02 PM on June 6, 2010
Best answer: look, whenever i've encountered this, it is never good in the end. either you pursue him, and end up dating a wuss who ends up disappointing you in the end, or you end up putting yourself out there only to get an annoying "your nice but i'm not into you" text. you've made it clear you like him. if he does not ask you out in seven days, move on....you're worth far more than a "i just might". pls don't obsess another minute.
posted by dmbfan93 at 7:24 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by dmbfan93 at 7:24 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am positive that somewhere in between the seat in the theater and the parking lot, there was a restroom that he could have excused himself into. That's not it.
Don't try so hard with Mr. Halfway.
posted by sageleaf at 7:36 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't try so hard with Mr. Halfway.
posted by sageleaf at 7:36 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am positive that somewhere in between the seat in the theater and the parking lot, there was a restroom that he could have excused himself into. That's not it.
Lots of people are averse to public pooping, so this could still be the reason. I once dated a guy who would leave work at lunch to go home if he needed to poop. My husband is funny about it too.
posted by chiababe at 7:50 PM on June 6, 2010
Lots of people are averse to public pooping, so this could still be the reason. I once dated a guy who would leave work at lunch to go home if he needed to poop. My husband is funny about it too.
posted by chiababe at 7:50 PM on June 6, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you, Mefites, for making me feel much more lighthearted about this. And I love that "he may have needed to use the bathroom" is being considered as a possible reason for his swift departure.
It also sounds like you never responded to his "I just might."
You're right, I didn't! I was thinking, "Okay, I let him know I'd be open to seeing the movie we both agreed that we wanted to see, and whatever 'I just might,' means, I'm going to leave the ball in his court now. If he wants to go, he'll let me know."
Yeah. So you can see how this could go off the rails, communication-wise.
It is actually a little hard for me to tell how you acted through all of these things, either, so you might have been inadvertently sending him "not that interested" messages.
I'm absolutely guilty of this and often don't realize I'm doing it. For example, while we were waiting for the movie, there were at least two films that he mentioned looked good and I agreed--but didn't think to say, "Yeah, we should see that" or allude to going out again. And I think this guy might be like that too, which is why I could see his messages going either way--not interested or cautiously interested but going about it in a clumsy way. I feel like we are both unsure of how the other feels and a little confused about how to proceed without scaring the other off...which also isn't a great start to a relationship.
Don't try so hard with Mr. Halfway.
you're worth far more than a "i just might".
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
posted by janekate at 8:39 PM on June 6, 2010
It also sounds like you never responded to his "I just might."
You're right, I didn't! I was thinking, "Okay, I let him know I'd be open to seeing the movie we both agreed that we wanted to see, and whatever 'I just might,' means, I'm going to leave the ball in his court now. If he wants to go, he'll let me know."
Yeah. So you can see how this could go off the rails, communication-wise.
It is actually a little hard for me to tell how you acted through all of these things, either, so you might have been inadvertently sending him "not that interested" messages.
I'm absolutely guilty of this and often don't realize I'm doing it. For example, while we were waiting for the movie, there were at least two films that he mentioned looked good and I agreed--but didn't think to say, "Yeah, we should see that" or allude to going out again. And I think this guy might be like that too, which is why I could see his messages going either way--not interested or cautiously interested but going about it in a clumsy way. I feel like we are both unsure of how the other feels and a little confused about how to proceed without scaring the other off...which also isn't a great start to a relationship.
Don't try so hard with Mr. Halfway.
you're worth far more than a "i just might".
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
posted by janekate at 8:39 PM on June 6, 2010
Ask him out directly, but nicely. Don't pester him and be stalker-ish, that is a turn off. See where it goes when you ask him. To me, it sounds like he is uninterested, but you will never know for sure unless you ask him for another date. If he is not interested it is OK! Better to know now than later. Also if you do go out on another date, kiss HIM goodnight, why wait?
posted by fifilaru at 9:44 PM on June 6, 2010
posted by fifilaru at 9:44 PM on June 6, 2010
Lots of people are averse to public pooping
It still isn't the reason why he doesn't seem particularly interested after the fact. Unless...those are some bad bowels. Or many plates of beans.
posted by sageleaf at 9:51 PM on June 6, 2010
It still isn't the reason why he doesn't seem particularly interested after the fact. Unless...those are some bad bowels. Or many plates of beans.
posted by sageleaf at 9:51 PM on June 6, 2010
Best answer:
Is a man expected to walk a woman all the way to her car, but not vice versa, because of gender-specific safety issues?
This, or the opposite rather, that maybe he didn't walk you all the way to the car because of gender-specific safety issues, was the first thing that came to my mind on that. Especially being from online.
stood about three feet away from me. I was expecting some normal end-of-date awkwardness but wasn't sure what was happening. I wanted to hug him again--to let him know that I was still interested--but couldn't tell if he would be open to that or just wanted to get away from me, so I did nothing.
This happened to me. If you were anything like my date you may have given off "I'm completely uninterested in you" vibes while running through ideas in your head. It took being asked out by her for a second date to make me realize that it was "I'm nervous" and not "I hate you." Are you sure your face didn't telegraph panic or something while you were panicking mentally?
Also I have explicitly used "I just might" for yes but I don't want to look too eager to say yes so let me do this coy flirting thing instead.
You should call him and ask him out.
posted by An algorithmic dog at 10:38 PM on June 6, 2010
Is a man expected to walk a woman all the way to her car, but not vice versa, because of gender-specific safety issues?
This, or the opposite rather, that maybe he didn't walk you all the way to the car because of gender-specific safety issues, was the first thing that came to my mind on that. Especially being from online.
stood about three feet away from me. I was expecting some normal end-of-date awkwardness but wasn't sure what was happening. I wanted to hug him again--to let him know that I was still interested--but couldn't tell if he would be open to that or just wanted to get away from me, so I did nothing.
This happened to me. If you were anything like my date you may have given off "I'm completely uninterested in you" vibes while running through ideas in your head. It took being asked out by her for a second date to make me realize that it was "I'm nervous" and not "I hate you." Are you sure your face didn't telegraph panic or something while you were panicking mentally?
Also I have explicitly used "I just might" for yes but I don't want to look too eager to say yes so let me do this coy flirting thing instead.
You should call him and ask him out.
posted by An algorithmic dog at 10:38 PM on June 6, 2010
Best answer: You took this to MeFi for advice so soon after the actual first date... I wonder if that kind of rushing/anxiety/seriousness came across in person. I think that the best thing to do is stop communicating for now. You expressed interest in a follow-up date. He may or may not ask you out, but there's certainly plenty of time for him to do so well within a normal time range. Keep checking out the dating site for other people, and try not to pin your hopes on any one person after two dates.
posted by studioaudience at 11:08 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by studioaudience at 11:08 PM on June 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
The cross-outs thebazilist did read more to me like a shy guy not wanting to come across as overeager than someone who isn't interested.
Ask him out again.
posted by Nattie at 12:25 AM on June 7, 2010
Ask him out again.
posted by Nattie at 12:25 AM on June 7, 2010
Yeah, just ask him for a specific night with a plan. Keep us posted! Good luck!
posted by dzaz at 2:31 AM on June 7, 2010
posted by dzaz at 2:31 AM on June 7, 2010
Wait a few days and if you still feel like it, send him this sms:
"And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)"
posted by Free word order! at 4:39 AM on June 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
"And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)"
posted by Free word order! at 4:39 AM on June 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
What the hell, Free word order!? I hope you're making a joke at the OP's expense... because "to die by your side" is not really a second date kind of sentiment.
OP, keep us updated. I had a very similar experience (he didn't kiss me! he hates me!) with a shy guy who I ended up dating for a while (and did, eventually, get kissed by). You'll see.
posted by telegraph at 5:35 AM on June 7, 2010
OP, keep us updated. I had a very similar experience (he didn't kiss me! he hates me!) with a shy guy who I ended up dating for a while (and did, eventually, get kissed by). You'll see.
posted by telegraph at 5:35 AM on June 7, 2010
Best answer: My honest reading of your date is that this dude needed to run for some sort of embarrassing reason. (My cousin is lactose intolerant, but often forgets all about that. He told me a story about a date he was on -- at a lady's house, nice! -- where they decided to order a pizza. He ate the pizza, a poor choice on his part. He basically fled the scene as quickly and in as awkward a fashion as he could.)
And if I do see this guy again, should I just be upfront and let him know that I like him and would be interested in dating him?
I feel like I say this in a lot of these sorts of threads, but yes, if you like someone you may as well tell them. You're dating, not playing poker. Life is too short to futz around playing weird dating games. If he's not interested, you may as well find out sooner rather than later. (I think he is interested in you.)
posted by chunking express at 6:55 AM on June 7, 2010
And if I do see this guy again, should I just be upfront and let him know that I like him and would be interested in dating him?
I feel like I say this in a lot of these sorts of threads, but yes, if you like someone you may as well tell them. You're dating, not playing poker. Life is too short to futz around playing weird dating games. If he's not interested, you may as well find out sooner rather than later. (I think he is interested in you.)
posted by chunking express at 6:55 AM on June 7, 2010
And that Smith song is on the money. It takes courage to put yourself out there for both men and women. The OP doesn't want to tell the guy how she feels for the same reasons a lot of men might make themselves crazy trying to decide if they should kiss this girl or not.
Also, the Smiths are awesome.
posted by chunking express at 6:57 AM on June 7, 2010
Also, the Smiths are awesome.
posted by chunking express at 6:57 AM on June 7, 2010
Ok just putting it out there but maybe he had gas? Seriously, that was weird and it's the only thing I could think of. Give it a few days. If he doesn't reply, then it wasn't gas.
posted by stormpooper at 7:04 AM on June 7, 2010
posted by stormpooper at 7:04 AM on June 7, 2010
Best answer: Geeks can be aaaaawkward socially.
When my now-husband called me up to ask for a second date, he thought I wasn't interested in him at all. I have no idea what I said/didn't say, but I'd had fun with him the first time and was certainly interested in him. I just managed to come across as completely lukewarm and possibly brushing him off. I'm glad he did go ahead and ask me out again anyway, even though he was half-convinced I wanted nothing more to do with him.
Sometimes it's not worth critical analysis; just ask what you want to ask and be prepared for the answer to be yes or no :) Being direct gets you a lot farther than standing back and trying to figure out what someone meant.
posted by galadriel at 7:29 AM on June 7, 2010
When my now-husband called me up to ask for a second date, he thought I wasn't interested in him at all. I have no idea what I said/didn't say, but I'd had fun with him the first time and was certainly interested in him. I just managed to come across as completely lukewarm and possibly brushing him off. I'm glad he did go ahead and ask me out again anyway, even though he was half-convinced I wanted nothing more to do with him.
Sometimes it's not worth critical analysis; just ask what you want to ask and be prepared for the answer to be yes or no :) Being direct gets you a lot farther than standing back and trying to figure out what someone meant.
posted by galadriel at 7:29 AM on June 7, 2010
Response by poster: OP again: I think I'm the idiot in this story.
I just remembered that at dinner, when the check came, he reached for it. I said, because I was trying to be nice (AND I AM AN IDIOT), "If you get dinner, could I pay for the tickets?" He looked surprised and then said, "Yeah, okay." Now I realize that he probably interpreted that as his ticket into the friend zone. I was just trying to be considerate, but I think it may have backfired, which led to the confusion at the end and the cryptic texts.
I genuinely like this guy. I hope I haven't screwed it up already.
posted by janekate at 8:44 AM on June 7, 2010
I just remembered that at dinner, when the check came, he reached for it. I said, because I was trying to be nice (AND I AM AN IDIOT), "If you get dinner, could I pay for the tickets?" He looked surprised and then said, "Yeah, okay." Now I realize that he probably interpreted that as his ticket into the friend zone. I was just trying to be considerate, but I think it may have backfired, which led to the confusion at the end and the cryptic texts.
I genuinely like this guy. I hope I haven't screwed it up already.
posted by janekate at 8:44 AM on June 7, 2010
What the what? No, that really has nothing to do with anything. You've got to stop obsessing about this. Ask him out again for next weekend, see what happens. You seem to be looking for reasons to mope.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:56 AM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:56 AM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
Why don't you just tell him you really like him? Am I missing something?
posted by xammerboy at 9:24 AM on June 7, 2010
posted by xammerboy at 9:24 AM on June 7, 2010
Similar to the "fart" and "poop" theories, maybe he was.. ahem... excited by the idea of kissing you at the end of the film? I guess that would be more of a teenage problem, but still...
Seriously, as a fellow nerd/geek type who has dated many nerd/geek type guys before meeting and making the first move with my now nerd/geek type husband, I think you should wait until Friday, text him with a firm idea for a date for the weekend after, and see what happens. Sometimes socially awkward guys make great boyfriends.
And for me, "I just might" is also a positive thing, usually said in person with a sly smile and a wink.
posted by nprigoda at 10:52 AM on June 7, 2010
Seriously, as a fellow nerd/geek type who has dated many nerd/geek type guys before meeting and making the first move with my now nerd/geek type husband, I think you should wait until Friday, text him with a firm idea for a date for the weekend after, and see what happens. Sometimes socially awkward guys make great boyfriends.
And for me, "I just might" is also a positive thing, usually said in person with a sly smile and a wink.
posted by nprigoda at 10:52 AM on June 7, 2010
Best answer:
I just remembered that at dinner, when the check came, he reached for it. I said, because I was trying to be nice (AND I AM AN IDIOT), "If you get dinner, could I pay for the tickets?" He looked surprised and then said, "Yeah, okay." Now I realize that he probably interpreted that as his ticket into the friend zone. I was just trying to be considerate, but I think it may have backfired, which led to the confusion at the end and the cryptic texts.
While nothing you have said anywhere would by itself ever say I'm not all that into you, when you do it all together in one night, it could easily telegraph I'm not that into you. People in this thread are looking at every example you give in isolation and saying not a big deal. And they are right, if you did any one of them. But look at them all together and it certainly doesn't come off as "I want you to ask me on a second date," especially to someone who is clearly nervous about dating you in the first place. So you are going to have to be proactive to fix this (and I am a betting man and I'd place money on you getting your second date). Put yourself in his shoes and ask what you would have thought if the roles were reversed.
posted by An algorithmic dog at 12:36 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I just remembered that at dinner, when the check came, he reached for it. I said, because I was trying to be nice (AND I AM AN IDIOT), "If you get dinner, could I pay for the tickets?" He looked surprised and then said, "Yeah, okay." Now I realize that he probably interpreted that as his ticket into the friend zone. I was just trying to be considerate, but I think it may have backfired, which led to the confusion at the end and the cryptic texts.
While nothing you have said anywhere would by itself ever say I'm not all that into you, when you do it all together in one night, it could easily telegraph I'm not that into you. People in this thread are looking at every example you give in isolation and saying not a big deal. And they are right, if you did any one of them. But look at them all together and it certainly doesn't come off as "I want you to ask me on a second date," especially to someone who is clearly nervous about dating you in the first place. So you are going to have to be proactive to fix this (and I am a betting man and I'd place money on you getting your second date). Put yourself in his shoes and ask what you would have thought if the roles were reversed.
posted by An algorithmic dog at 12:36 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Okay. Let me tell you about my story.
Once upon a time, I (girl) really liked this guy. Like, really. In fact, I had a crush on him for, oh, an entire year. I finally texted him saying I wanted to have dinner with him, in a very nonchalant manner. Then he texted back, responding quite positively. I feared that I might shown my enthuastic hand, so I tried to play it cool by replying with one-word ambigious answers in our future texts planning for our dinner. Luckily, my friend saw my texts and said, "OMG are you absolutely insane?! Here's this guy trying to plan a dinner with you, and you give curt close-ended answers."
Also, at the end of our dinner, I was so skittish and nervous and anxious (because I'm an extremely skittish and nervous and anxious person in general), that when he tried to come closer to kiss me, I ran away. Yes, this was the same guy I had a crush on for an entire year and whom I had an amazing time at dinner with. As you can tell, I am socially incompetent.
Anyway, my point is not that all his signals show that he is interested in you, or the reverse. My point is that neither you nor anyone else on the Green know what he is thinking. He might like you, he might not. He might be socially clueless, he might not be. You don't know. We don't know. So, ask him out. Clearly and directly.
And since no one likes to be that desperate person, I usually give it two direct invitations for a date, before I give up. By my count, you only asked him out once(?). So this situation has one more chance!
posted by moiraine at 2:03 PM on June 7, 2010
Once upon a time, I (girl) really liked this guy. Like, really. In fact, I had a crush on him for, oh, an entire year. I finally texted him saying I wanted to have dinner with him, in a very nonchalant manner. Then he texted back, responding quite positively. I feared that I might shown my enthuastic hand, so I tried to play it cool by replying with one-word ambigious answers in our future texts planning for our dinner. Luckily, my friend saw my texts and said, "OMG are you absolutely insane?! Here's this guy trying to plan a dinner with you, and you give curt close-ended answers."
Also, at the end of our dinner, I was so skittish and nervous and anxious (because I'm an extremely skittish and nervous and anxious person in general), that when he tried to come closer to kiss me, I ran away. Yes, this was the same guy I had a crush on for an entire year and whom I had an amazing time at dinner with. As you can tell, I am socially incompetent.
Anyway, my point is not that all his signals show that he is interested in you, or the reverse. My point is that neither you nor anyone else on the Green know what he is thinking. He might like you, he might not. He might be socially clueless, he might not be. You don't know. We don't know. So, ask him out. Clearly and directly.
And since no one likes to be that desperate person, I usually give it two direct invitations for a date, before I give up. By my count, you only asked him out once(?). So this situation has one more chance!
posted by moiraine at 2:03 PM on June 7, 2010
First dates can be particularly draining for introverts even if you really like the person, doubly so if you're already tired from working a long day and the date turns into a marathon like this one -- a long dinner requiring lots of face and talk time, followed by the forced inactivity of a movie. So, I say, ask away on another date, but how about proposing something active and fun that doesn't require you staring at each other and making conversation for four hours? Long bike ride to get ice cream; drive to a swimming hole; Skeeball at ESPN Zone; bird watching ....
posted by yarly at 4:05 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by yarly at 4:05 PM on June 7, 2010
Best answer: Assumptions and lack of communication can really fuck up what could be so simple. Alex, I'm going to take a double challenge with Needed to Crap/Felt Sick for 400, and Uncertain Vibe for 600. Up here in my mid 40s I still get skittish around pretty girls/boys but do you know what? I just say things. Because life's too short to just not know what's going on. "Hey, I like you a lot and I think we could be a thing. How do you feel about that? Should we have another date to see where it goes for real, or do you want to keep it at friends or just let it go? Be truthful."
Just say stuff. You kids! You waste so much time!
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:15 AM on June 8, 2010
Just say stuff. You kids! You waste so much time!
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:15 AM on June 8, 2010
Yeah, okay, so you're not that much younger than me. STILL! Just talk to him: put your thing down and see what happens.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:22 AM on June 8, 2010
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:22 AM on June 8, 2010
Response by poster: OP with a follow up:
I contacted him and let him know that I can be a bit shy, but that I really did have a good time the other night and would like to see him again. He said that it's okay that I'm shy; we both want to take things slowly and spend a little more time together.
At first I felt a bit "heart on my sleeve" and foolish--because I know that one date does not a relationship make--but I think it was good to get my feelings out in the open. I am actually more relaxed with the idea of seeing him again without the pressure of "dating" right away.
Thanks for all the wonderful and wise advice! I appreciated every comment and I've some good things to keep in mind for the future.
posted by janekate at 10:26 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I contacted him and let him know that I can be a bit shy, but that I really did have a good time the other night and would like to see him again. He said that it's okay that I'm shy; we both want to take things slowly and spend a little more time together.
At first I felt a bit "heart on my sleeve" and foolish--because I know that one date does not a relationship make--but I think it was good to get my feelings out in the open. I am actually more relaxed with the idea of seeing him again without the pressure of "dating" right away.
Thanks for all the wonderful and wise advice! I appreciated every comment and I've some good things to keep in mind for the future.
posted by janekate at 10:26 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Oh, and in this case, "I just might" was positive.
posted by janekate at 10:32 AM on June 8, 2010
posted by janekate at 10:32 AM on June 8, 2010
I called it, he totally had to poop.
posted by Loto at 12:05 PM on June 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Loto at 12:05 PM on June 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Instead of choosing between waiting for him to ask you out again or writing him off entirely, why not ask him out, explicitly, on a second date? Not just, "let me know if you want to see another movie" but "I had a great time last week, can I take you out to dinner this Friday?" If you're already prepared to move on from this, what's the harm in asking him out?
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:28 PM on June 6, 2010