lack of sex with fiance
May 4, 2010 1:33 PM Subscribe
What should I do about the lack of sex with my fiance?
I love my fiance. And for the most part we have a great relationship. We rarely fight, we have tons of fun together, have similar personalities and religious/political beliefs, but also respect alone time or girls/guys nights out. We are physically affectionate...always kissing...always holding hands...always cuddling. When we first started seeing each other and for a pretty long time into the relationship our sex life was great. We'd see each other a couple times a week and spend all weekends together at her place or mine. We'd have sex everyday we were together...multiple times a day...morning, night...sometimes the afternoon. There were times when I actually found myself getting tired. But of course I had no complaints...what guy would complain about too much sex? It seemed she was even more into sex then I was. Things started to change when we moved in together. Of course, I didn't expect we'd keep up the same level of frequency...that would be tough. But we slowly and steadily went from having sex all the time to 3 times a week, 2 times a week, once a week, and now if we have sex 2 or 3 times in a month, that's a lot. We got engaged somewhere around the time this problem started to creep up, but I didn't think too much of it at the time. Every couple experiences highs and lows in sex frequency...but I feel like our situation is more on the extreme side because of how often we did it in the beginning. We're getting married later this year. I view myself as a pretty good "partner". I clean around the house, I cook a decent amount, I earn a decent living, and I take her out for nice dinners and sometimes shows. She's appreciative of all that, since she often expresses that she loves it. And she's a good partner to, making equal contributions in most areas accept cleaning because she hates to clean. I guess right now I'm starting to get nervous because my fear is that I'm about to get married and be in sexless marriage. She's in her mid 20's and I'm almost 30. I tried talking to her about this once and she basically said she's just been really tired lately and sleep comes first. She works pretty hard, and her job has been rather stressful lately. Our talk was fine, but she didn't seem to give me any indication that she wanted things to change. I've done my best to be a good listener when she talks about her stresses at work. I've also tried just not initiating sex for a few weeks.
What can I do? I'm looking for opinions from both men and women. Should I try to talk about this more? Sometimes I think talking puts more pressure on her and actually turns her off. I don't wanna do that. But at the same time, I'm starting to get to the point where the thought of initiating sex is intimidating because of rejection. I feel terrible when she turns me down. I think that when a woman stops having sex with her man, it's because she's lost attraction, is bored, or is cheating on him. I don't buy the whole, I'm too tired, or I'm just not in the mood. Sure, we all have times when we're truly not up for it...but when it becomes the norm...something's up. Then again I've read some books recently that say women just don't have the same high level of sex drive that many men have. And that yes, they may truly be too tired more often then not.
I don't believe that sex it the most important part of marriage, but I do think it's important. I don't need sex everyday...I'd be totally satisfied with once or twice a week. Any thoughts or advice here would be greatly appreciated. And no...I don't think she's cheating on me. At least, there's absolutely no obvious signs of it. She'd have to be fitting it in at lunch time because she's not coming home unreasonably late at night, and we're almost always together for most of the weekends. I have no intentions of breaking our engagement. I love this girl. But at the same time, lack of sex can ruin any relationship. I'm more then willing to do whatever she wants in bed, please her...whatever it takes. Any words of advice here would be greatly appreciated.
I love my fiance. And for the most part we have a great relationship. We rarely fight, we have tons of fun together, have similar personalities and religious/political beliefs, but also respect alone time or girls/guys nights out. We are physically affectionate...always kissing...always holding hands...always cuddling. When we first started seeing each other and for a pretty long time into the relationship our sex life was great. We'd see each other a couple times a week and spend all weekends together at her place or mine. We'd have sex everyday we were together...multiple times a day...morning, night...sometimes the afternoon. There were times when I actually found myself getting tired. But of course I had no complaints...what guy would complain about too much sex? It seemed she was even more into sex then I was. Things started to change when we moved in together. Of course, I didn't expect we'd keep up the same level of frequency...that would be tough. But we slowly and steadily went from having sex all the time to 3 times a week, 2 times a week, once a week, and now if we have sex 2 or 3 times in a month, that's a lot. We got engaged somewhere around the time this problem started to creep up, but I didn't think too much of it at the time. Every couple experiences highs and lows in sex frequency...but I feel like our situation is more on the extreme side because of how often we did it in the beginning. We're getting married later this year. I view myself as a pretty good "partner". I clean around the house, I cook a decent amount, I earn a decent living, and I take her out for nice dinners and sometimes shows. She's appreciative of all that, since she often expresses that she loves it. And she's a good partner to, making equal contributions in most areas accept cleaning because she hates to clean. I guess right now I'm starting to get nervous because my fear is that I'm about to get married and be in sexless marriage. She's in her mid 20's and I'm almost 30. I tried talking to her about this once and she basically said she's just been really tired lately and sleep comes first. She works pretty hard, and her job has been rather stressful lately. Our talk was fine, but she didn't seem to give me any indication that she wanted things to change. I've done my best to be a good listener when she talks about her stresses at work. I've also tried just not initiating sex for a few weeks.
What can I do? I'm looking for opinions from both men and women. Should I try to talk about this more? Sometimes I think talking puts more pressure on her and actually turns her off. I don't wanna do that. But at the same time, I'm starting to get to the point where the thought of initiating sex is intimidating because of rejection. I feel terrible when she turns me down. I think that when a woman stops having sex with her man, it's because she's lost attraction, is bored, or is cheating on him. I don't buy the whole, I'm too tired, or I'm just not in the mood. Sure, we all have times when we're truly not up for it...but when it becomes the norm...something's up. Then again I've read some books recently that say women just don't have the same high level of sex drive that many men have. And that yes, they may truly be too tired more often then not.
I don't believe that sex it the most important part of marriage, but I do think it's important. I don't need sex everyday...I'd be totally satisfied with once or twice a week. Any thoughts or advice here would be greatly appreciated. And no...I don't think she's cheating on me. At least, there's absolutely no obvious signs of it. She'd have to be fitting it in at lunch time because she's not coming home unreasonably late at night, and we're almost always together for most of the weekends. I have no intentions of breaking our engagement. I love this girl. But at the same time, lack of sex can ruin any relationship. I'm more then willing to do whatever she wants in bed, please her...whatever it takes. Any words of advice here would be greatly appreciated.
normally with a lack of sex my advice tends towards the "don't pressure because it defeats the purpose and just makes it worse", however - you're about to make a life long commitment.
are you doing any pre-marriage counseling? if so, you might want to bring it up as part of "expectations about marriage". if not - wait until a time when you're both relaxed, but not looking to roll around. don't pick a time after work. don't pick a sunday night before the work week begins. but sit her down and say something like "sweetie, i love you and i love our relationship. i'm glad we're getting married and i can't wait to spend my life with you. i understand that you've been stressed lately and sleepy, but it seems like our sex life is taking a back seat and this concerns me. i'm not trying to pressure to have sex more, but i don't want there to be any topics we can't discuss openly and honestly. how do you feel about the frequency we're having sex?"
also: if she's not on the pill, track her ovulation and try to make sure your calander is free and clear those few days.
posted by nadawi at 1:41 PM on May 4, 2010
are you doing any pre-marriage counseling? if so, you might want to bring it up as part of "expectations about marriage". if not - wait until a time when you're both relaxed, but not looking to roll around. don't pick a time after work. don't pick a sunday night before the work week begins. but sit her down and say something like "sweetie, i love you and i love our relationship. i'm glad we're getting married and i can't wait to spend my life with you. i understand that you've been stressed lately and sleepy, but it seems like our sex life is taking a back seat and this concerns me. i'm not trying to pressure to have sex more, but i don't want there to be any topics we can't discuss openly and honestly. how do you feel about the frequency we're having sex?"
also: if she's not on the pill, track her ovulation and try to make sure your calander is free and clear those few days.
posted by nadawi at 1:41 PM on May 4, 2010
I think that when a woman stops having sex with her man, it's because she's lost attraction, is bored, or is cheating on him.
Truly, it could also be that she's too stressed out and tired, as she says. This certainly isn't a definite solution, but here's one suggestion: try initiating things at a different time of day than usual. If you used to have sex right after getting home from work, try letting her unwind for a while, maybe have a light dinner first. If you used to have sex right before bed, try initiating a few hours before then. I have to say, when I'm stressed and tired, I start getting ready for bed and my mind is in SLEEP NOW mode. You have to get her into bed before she starts thinking about sleeping.
Also: women who are stressed and tired sometimes start skipping the things that make them feel sexy, whether that's exercise time, healthy eating, the full makeup and hair routine, or whatever. That can make them feel less attractive and wanted. Make it very clear to her that you still find her attractive.
posted by vytae at 1:42 PM on May 4, 2010 [4 favorites]
Truly, it could also be that she's too stressed out and tired, as she says. This certainly isn't a definite solution, but here's one suggestion: try initiating things at a different time of day than usual. If you used to have sex right after getting home from work, try letting her unwind for a while, maybe have a light dinner first. If you used to have sex right before bed, try initiating a few hours before then. I have to say, when I'm stressed and tired, I start getting ready for bed and my mind is in SLEEP NOW mode. You have to get her into bed before she starts thinking about sleeping.
Also: women who are stressed and tired sometimes start skipping the things that make them feel sexy, whether that's exercise time, healthy eating, the full makeup and hair routine, or whatever. That can make them feel less attractive and wanted. Make it very clear to her that you still find her attractive.
posted by vytae at 1:42 PM on May 4, 2010 [4 favorites]
I can't really provide specific advice, but you need to fix this before you get married. Even if you think everything else is great, fix this before you get married.
Hint: I'm not married anymore.
posted by Madamina at 1:45 PM on May 4, 2010 [24 favorites]
Hint: I'm not married anymore.
posted by Madamina at 1:45 PM on May 4, 2010 [24 favorites]
I think that when a woman stops having sex with her man, it's because she's lost attraction, is bored, or is cheating on him.
Dude, you have no idea exactly what is going on so don't make any assumptions about "how women are" or whatnot. Women are just people and individuals and have their own individual reasons for doing things. It sounds like the problem is that you haven't figured out how to talk about this, because you're making these assumptions; you're making up all these ideas about what is in her head, but you don't know what is in her head until she tells you what is in her head.
It's probably going to be recommended a bazillion times in this thread, but I highly recommend seeking out couples therapy, figuring out a way to communicate, and learn how to do it well before you get married.
This is not just about sex but about being able to communicate your needs in a way that won't shut your partner down. You both have equal responsibility to hear each other out and respond sensitively to each others needs and desires, but this is not magic knowledge you are born with, this is a set of skills that you work on and get better at depending on how much you care about having a satisfying and successful relationship.
There are tons of threads on Ask MeFi about couples' relationships, do some searching and see what you can find, and again, I suggest some therapy. Also, these are two books I would recommend:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
and
How to Be an Adult in Relationships
And please, don't get married until you figure this out.
posted by dubitable at 1:46 PM on May 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
Dude, you have no idea exactly what is going on so don't make any assumptions about "how women are" or whatnot. Women are just people and individuals and have their own individual reasons for doing things. It sounds like the problem is that you haven't figured out how to talk about this, because you're making these assumptions; you're making up all these ideas about what is in her head, but you don't know what is in her head until she tells you what is in her head.
It's probably going to be recommended a bazillion times in this thread, but I highly recommend seeking out couples therapy, figuring out a way to communicate, and learn how to do it well before you get married.
This is not just about sex but about being able to communicate your needs in a way that won't shut your partner down. You both have equal responsibility to hear each other out and respond sensitively to each others needs and desires, but this is not magic knowledge you are born with, this is a set of skills that you work on and get better at depending on how much you care about having a satisfying and successful relationship.
There are tons of threads on Ask MeFi about couples' relationships, do some searching and see what you can find, and again, I suggest some therapy. Also, these are two books I would recommend:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
and
How to Be an Adult in Relationships
And please, don't get married until you figure this out.
posted by dubitable at 1:46 PM on May 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
I've also tried just not initiating sex for a few weeks.
Well, that's a terrible way to go about having more sex.
I've suggested this on metafilter a million times before, but: sex in the morning. Even if it's only on weekends, if you only have sex on weekend mornings, that could easily bring you up to having sex eight times a month!
Consider other times you could be having sex, too. What about suggesting it right before dinner, or after? What about asking her to make a date for sex? (I don't know about your fiance, but if my husband were to say to me: "I really want to take you out to eat on Friday, come home, and then eat you out. How bout it?"--I'd be pretty psyched about Friday). What about bringing your laundry to a wash and fold place and asking her if she'd like to use the time freed up from folding to roll around in the sack? Don't be afraid to come out and say, "I'd love to have sex tonight" the morning before. Don't be afraid to talk openly about it, to normalize sex and get your desires out in the open.
There could be a lot of things at work here. She might be depressed. Her birth control might be killing her libido. Or she might genuinely be stressed and exhausted. You have to talk to her about it! And be willing to be flexible with your expectations about sex--it doesn't have to happen right before bed, when she's ready to pass out, and it doesn't have to be several hours worth of love making. If you treat sex like it's important, fun, but also not a big, annoying obligation, then I'm sure things will improve.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:46 PM on May 4, 2010 [11 favorites]
Well, that's a terrible way to go about having more sex.
I've suggested this on metafilter a million times before, but: sex in the morning. Even if it's only on weekends, if you only have sex on weekend mornings, that could easily bring you up to having sex eight times a month!
Consider other times you could be having sex, too. What about suggesting it right before dinner, or after? What about asking her to make a date for sex? (I don't know about your fiance, but if my husband were to say to me: "I really want to take you out to eat on Friday, come home, and then eat you out. How bout it?"--I'd be pretty psyched about Friday). What about bringing your laundry to a wash and fold place and asking her if she'd like to use the time freed up from folding to roll around in the sack? Don't be afraid to come out and say, "I'd love to have sex tonight" the morning before. Don't be afraid to talk openly about it, to normalize sex and get your desires out in the open.
There could be a lot of things at work here. She might be depressed. Her birth control might be killing her libido. Or she might genuinely be stressed and exhausted. You have to talk to her about it! And be willing to be flexible with your expectations about sex--it doesn't have to happen right before bed, when she's ready to pass out, and it doesn't have to be several hours worth of love making. If you treat sex like it's important, fun, but also not a big, annoying obligation, then I'm sure things will improve.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:46 PM on May 4, 2010 [11 favorites]
amethysts wrote exactly what I came here to ask. I started taking birth control about eight months ago and my sex drive has all but disappeared. Definitely something to look into.
You paint a picture of a mutually satisfying relationship. Sex is not the be all/end all, but it's one of the great things about a happy relationship. So is communication. Time to have a talk with your fiance.
posted by futureisunwritten at 1:47 PM on May 4, 2010
You paint a picture of a mutually satisfying relationship. Sex is not the be all/end all, but it's one of the great things about a happy relationship. So is communication. Time to have a talk with your fiance.
posted by futureisunwritten at 1:47 PM on May 4, 2010
To expand upon what vytae said, also for a lot of women, if they've gained weight, they feel less sexy. For some women, even a 5 lb gain can do it. If this might be the case, then as vytae said, make it very clear to her that you find her attractive.
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:48 PM on May 4, 2010
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:48 PM on May 4, 2010
All the above suggestions are good, but in my personal experience, when the sex goes, something may well be wrong with the relationship. The disappearance of sex from my first marriage turned out to be my ex-wife feeling heaps of resentment, suffocation, and desire to flee the relationship. In your case it may be your fiancée's way of dealing with an impending marriage she does not want at some level, but can't get out of because she really likes you.
Nthing everybody who said not to get married until this is solved.
posted by musofire at 1:59 PM on May 4, 2010
Nthing everybody who said not to get married until this is solved.
posted by musofire at 1:59 PM on May 4, 2010
I wish I had found the book The Sex Starved Marriage much earlier. It gave me the tools that I needed to express what the problem was and to help us find a solution.
posted by cjemmott at 2:04 PM on May 4, 2010
posted by cjemmott at 2:04 PM on May 4, 2010
Hi. I'm a woman in my mid 20's. I dont know how long you've been dating, but i noticed a decrease in my sex drive going from ages 18 - now. I have been continuously taking birth control the whole time except for one span where I couldn't due to other reasons and I wanted to screw every other hour (alas I don't want kids, so back came the birth control.
Also, between those ages, my stress level has gone from oh-shit-need-to-get-beer-before-the-liquor-store-closes-at-9-and-its-8:45 to YOU-MAY-LOSE-YOUR-JOB-IN-AN-HOUR-AND-NOT-MAKE-RENT. It is a steep and unplesant increase. It doesn't put me in the mood for sex because how can I have sex if my life can be ruined tomorrow?!?!!? (exaggerated...sometimes).
To please my partner I really had to look at things rationally. I had to make a conscious decision to have sex with him sometimes (and when I do, I enjoy it). but there is a lot of changes or pressures that can be on your fiance that takes away that fuck like rabbits feeling and you need to have a serious talk with her and see if she would be willing to compromise with you and make and effort to carve out some time for intimacy with you.
posted by WeekendJen at 2:10 PM on May 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
Also, between those ages, my stress level has gone from oh-shit-need-to-get-beer-before-the-liquor-store-closes-at-9-and-its-8:45 to YOU-MAY-LOSE-YOUR-JOB-IN-AN-HOUR-AND-NOT-MAKE-RENT. It is a steep and unplesant increase. It doesn't put me in the mood for sex because how can I have sex if my life can be ruined tomorrow?!?!!? (exaggerated...sometimes).
To please my partner I really had to look at things rationally. I had to make a conscious decision to have sex with him sometimes (and when I do, I enjoy it). but there is a lot of changes or pressures that can be on your fiance that takes away that fuck like rabbits feeling and you need to have a serious talk with her and see if she would be willing to compromise with you and make and effort to carve out some time for intimacy with you.
posted by WeekendJen at 2:10 PM on May 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
Marriage changes your attitude, particularly about sex. It's about expectations that have become part of you without your knowing.
Before you got engaged, your fiance was, almost certainly, having sex with you in part to show independence from and defiance of her parents. With you accepted by her parents as the husband-to-be, the urge diminishes. At the very least, this is part of it.
When you get married, you will of course have sex on the wedding night and for a while thereafter. But don't expect the pattern to change. It certainly didn't with me.
I wouldn't leave my wife under any circumstances, but she will not willingly have sex at all, and gives in only 2 or 3 times a year, when I insist. I balance that against my love for her and our amazing intellectual and emotional compatibility and stay together with her.
It's your decision. Just don't expect much sex, at least with this match.
posted by KRS at 2:13 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Before you got engaged, your fiance was, almost certainly, having sex with you in part to show independence from and defiance of her parents. With you accepted by her parents as the husband-to-be, the urge diminishes. At the very least, this is part of it.
When you get married, you will of course have sex on the wedding night and for a while thereafter. But don't expect the pattern to change. It certainly didn't with me.
I wouldn't leave my wife under any circumstances, but she will not willingly have sex at all, and gives in only 2 or 3 times a year, when I insist. I balance that against my love for her and our amazing intellectual and emotional compatibility and stay together with her.
It's your decision. Just don't expect much sex, at least with this match.
posted by KRS at 2:13 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
When something like this happens before the marriage, I think it is a huge red flag if you are unable to talk openly about the issue. Sexual problems can tear a couple apart, and you should *both* be taking this seriously.
People's sex drives do vary. But you sound as if you are trying to understand and compromise ("one or two times a week" does not sound unreasonable, given your past). So the problem is to come to an agreement you BOTH can live with.
It doesn't sound like she is cheating to me. She hasn't pulled back from the wedding, right? But she does sound stressed and tired.
She may need to see her doctor and check into a different method of birth control. As a woman about to married, she should be mature enough to discuss any health issues with her doctor or ob/gyn frankly that could be relevant. You could go and hold her hand in the waiting room if she feels embarrassed and make a list of questions for the doctor.
Now, just as important to desire as physical health is mental and emotional health. What happened when you just didn't initiate for a while? Did she just let those weeks go by? That's a bad sign. I think you should put the onus on her here and ask her to be the initiator*. If she is not up for sex more than once a month and still stressed and exhausted after having ruled out all the physical causes, she may be depressed, and talking to a counselor (even if it means you both go) could be called for.
Whatever happens, I wouldn't go through with the wedding until the two of you can reach a working compromise at the very least.
Good luck!
*If she is embarrassed to initiate sex, have a signal, which could be as simple as leaving a pillow on the bed, that lets you know she is up for sex. Rejection can be tough on both of you, and this makes it easier than getting shot down repeatedly.
posted by misha at 2:17 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
People's sex drives do vary. But you sound as if you are trying to understand and compromise ("one or two times a week" does not sound unreasonable, given your past). So the problem is to come to an agreement you BOTH can live with.
It doesn't sound like she is cheating to me. She hasn't pulled back from the wedding, right? But she does sound stressed and tired.
She may need to see her doctor and check into a different method of birth control. As a woman about to married, she should be mature enough to discuss any health issues with her doctor or ob/gyn frankly that could be relevant. You could go and hold her hand in the waiting room if she feels embarrassed and make a list of questions for the doctor.
Now, just as important to desire as physical health is mental and emotional health. What happened when you just didn't initiate for a while? Did she just let those weeks go by? That's a bad sign. I think you should put the onus on her here and ask her to be the initiator*. If she is not up for sex more than once a month and still stressed and exhausted after having ruled out all the physical causes, she may be depressed, and talking to a counselor (even if it means you both go) could be called for.
Whatever happens, I wouldn't go through with the wedding until the two of you can reach a working compromise at the very least.
Good luck!
*If she is embarrassed to initiate sex, have a signal, which could be as simple as leaving a pillow on the bed, that lets you know she is up for sex. Rejection can be tough on both of you, and this makes it easier than getting shot down repeatedly.
posted by misha at 2:17 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
First things first -- do not get married, not until this gets resolved.
I recommend you read Dan Savage over at Savage Love and/or listen to his weekly free podcast on iTunes. He's a big champion of male sexuality and tells husbands married to unresponsive wives not to apologize for having sexual desire and wanting a sex life. If medical problems have been ruled out, and therapy isn't going anywhere, he usually recommends ending the marriage or coming to an arrangement where the man can go outside the marriage for sex. You may not be sexually compatible.
posted by teedee2000 at 2:19 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I recommend you read Dan Savage over at Savage Love and/or listen to his weekly free podcast on iTunes. He's a big champion of male sexuality and tells husbands married to unresponsive wives not to apologize for having sexual desire and wanting a sex life. If medical problems have been ruled out, and therapy isn't going anywhere, he usually recommends ending the marriage or coming to an arrangement where the man can go outside the marriage for sex. You may not be sexually compatible.
posted by teedee2000 at 2:19 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I recommend you read Dan Savage over at Savage Love and/or listen to his weekly free podcast on iTunes. He's a big champion of male sexuality and tells husbands married to unresponsive wives not to apologize for having sexual desire and wanting a sex life. If medical problems have been ruled out, and therapy isn't going anywhere, he usually recommends ending the marriage or coming to an arrangement where the man can go outside the marriage for sex. You may not be sexually compatible.
Addendum: he also recommends exactly the same thing for women married to unresponsive husbands.
posted by Johnny Assay at 2:26 PM on May 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
Addendum: he also recommends exactly the same thing for women married to unresponsive husbands.
posted by Johnny Assay at 2:26 PM on May 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
Why Your Wife Won't Have Sex with You
posted by ottereroticist at 2:29 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by ottereroticist at 2:29 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you talk to her, keep in mind that she may not herself actually know why her libido's plunged and may find it just as mysterious and even as distressing as you.
posted by digitalprimate at 2:33 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by digitalprimate at 2:33 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Like musofire, my experience is sex drive goes when something is wrong. Since wedding bells are ringing here the wrong could simply be lots of wedding worries.
posted by dabitch at 2:35 PM on May 4, 2010
posted by dabitch at 2:35 PM on May 4, 2010
I think that when a woman stops having sex with her man, it's because she's lost attraction, is bored, or is cheating on him.
Please stop thinking this. My sex drive was much higher when my now husband & I started dating. My job at the time was significantly less stress, I did not own a house, and life in general was a lot easier. My sex drive has certainly gone down due to sex, not to any of the three things you think. If my husband someone ever stated the above to me, it would make me even less likely to want to sleep with him.
Yes, talk to her, please. It does not sound like you guys are communicating with each other very well at all. Don't focus on the sex thing. Ask her about her, how is she doing with work, how is she doing with the shared living space. Seriously. From the paragraphs you presented to us, you really do not sound like you genuinely communicate with her.
posted by kellyblah at 2:36 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Please stop thinking this. My sex drive was much higher when my now husband & I started dating. My job at the time was significantly less stress, I did not own a house, and life in general was a lot easier. My sex drive has certainly gone down due to sex, not to any of the three things you think. If my husband someone ever stated the above to me, it would make me even less likely to want to sleep with him.
Yes, talk to her, please. It does not sound like you guys are communicating with each other very well at all. Don't focus on the sex thing. Ask her about her, how is she doing with work, how is she doing with the shared living space. Seriously. From the paragraphs you presented to us, you really do not sound like you genuinely communicate with her.
posted by kellyblah at 2:36 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Since you moved in together, who does most of the housework? Do you share responsibilities? Who does the cooking, the cleaning, and the shopping?
If your fiance is doing more than 50% of the housework (and in your head your going to have to calculate the amount of housework she does long and hard), then she will be too tired for sex.
If you can do 50%+ of the housework, it may turn your sexlife around. Try romance as well - flowers, candles, making dinner, etc.
However, if this doesn't work, I think this is something you need to address before you get married. It's not an easy conversation to have, because it will make your fiance more defensive.
If she's in her mid-20s and her sex drive has diminished to 2 times a month, it does not bode well for your future sex life.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:49 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
If your fiance is doing more than 50% of the housework (and in your head your going to have to calculate the amount of housework she does long and hard), then she will be too tired for sex.
If you can do 50%+ of the housework, it may turn your sexlife around. Try romance as well - flowers, candles, making dinner, etc.
However, if this doesn't work, I think this is something you need to address before you get married. It's not an easy conversation to have, because it will make your fiance more defensive.
If she's in her mid-20s and her sex drive has diminished to 2 times a month, it does not bode well for your future sex life.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:49 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
Before you got engaged, your fiance was, almost certainly, having sex with you in part to show independence from and defiance of her parents. With you accepted by her parents as the husband-to-be, the urge diminishes. At the very least, this is part of it.
I have to disagree with this unless your fiancée happens to be a moody fourteen-year-old. I also disagree with the generalization that
when a woman stops having sex with her man, it's because she's lost attraction, is bored, or is cheating on him.
No matter what, please do not treat this as some sort of psycho-female, I-understand-that-vaginas-make-you-crazy-and-therefore-you-can't-talk/think-rationally-about-this sort of thing. You will turn this from a constructive conversation into an argument. Women are people, and people have differing sexual expectations and drives. Treat this as a personality difference, not a general gender issue.
However, I do agree that this could be a red flag of some kind. You need to talk with her about this. Be open, be supportive, be assertive about what you need from the relationship, and be ready to hear some things that you maybe don't want to hear.
I would talk to her before trying the whole sex at different times of the day thing, although I think it's possible that if you both agree to it, trying this may really help you out. It's better to address the issue directly, even if you're scared of the result, than to go on trying to solve it indirectly and without her active participation.
posted by hoperaiseshell at 2:55 PM on May 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
I have to disagree with this unless your fiancée happens to be a moody fourteen-year-old. I also disagree with the generalization that
when a woman stops having sex with her man, it's because she's lost attraction, is bored, or is cheating on him.
No matter what, please do not treat this as some sort of psycho-female, I-understand-that-vaginas-make-you-crazy-and-therefore-you-can't-talk/think-rationally-about-this sort of thing. You will turn this from a constructive conversation into an argument. Women are people, and people have differing sexual expectations and drives. Treat this as a personality difference, not a general gender issue.
However, I do agree that this could be a red flag of some kind. You need to talk with her about this. Be open, be supportive, be assertive about what you need from the relationship, and be ready to hear some things that you maybe don't want to hear.
I would talk to her before trying the whole sex at different times of the day thing, although I think it's possible that if you both agree to it, trying this may really help you out. It's better to address the issue directly, even if you're scared of the result, than to go on trying to solve it indirectly and without her active participation.
posted by hoperaiseshell at 2:55 PM on May 4, 2010 [5 favorites]
Make sure you aren't contributing to her fatigue by keeping her up at night trying to have sex. If she is saying she is tired, respect her feelings and ask her what would help her be less tired. For example, a lot of women find a dirty house stressful and just the thought of cleaning tires them out and turns them off.
You need to respect what she says and not fantasize what this means.
posted by Honkshu at 3:10 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
You need to respect what she says and not fantasize what this means.
posted by Honkshu at 3:10 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
If she's told you that she's been really tired lately and that sleep comes first, I'd ask her and yourself what you can do to make sure she gets more rest. How much sleep is she getting every night? When does she go to bed, and when does she get up? What does she do in between getting home from work and going to bed?
"I'm too tired" is a perfectly valid reason to not want to have sex. Address that cause first before you go leaping to esoteric conclusions.
posted by KathrynT at 3:46 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
"I'm too tired" is a perfectly valid reason to not want to have sex. Address that cause first before you go leaping to esoteric conclusions.
posted by KathrynT at 3:46 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think you should assume that the trend will continue. If it's a dealbreaker, let her know now.
I also recommend you be more flirtatious, romantic, sexy, and ply her with candles, music, foreplay, compliments.
What you should do, most of all, is talk to her and listen to her. It doesn't matter how things work in other marriages, only how it works for you 2. Plan a nice dinner, candles, music, and talk to her. No sex that night, just talking and listening. Your lack of communication is more dangerous than lack of sex.
posted by theora55 at 4:22 PM on May 4, 2010
I also recommend you be more flirtatious, romantic, sexy, and ply her with candles, music, foreplay, compliments.
What you should do, most of all, is talk to her and listen to her. It doesn't matter how things work in other marriages, only how it works for you 2. Plan a nice dinner, candles, music, and talk to her. No sex that night, just talking and listening. Your lack of communication is more dangerous than lack of sex.
posted by theora55 at 4:22 PM on May 4, 2010
My 2 cents ... I am not trying to be rude or discourage you. But I think there's a possibility that she just doesn't like the sex you guys have.
The way I see it is - she's not too tired to hold hands. She's not too tired to kiss, or cuddle. She wouldn't be too tired to receive a massage from you. Those are all things that feel good. They are all forms of physical touching between the two of you. She would probably do them any time of the day or night. So what's different about sex?
I think the difference must be that sex doesn't feel good to her. If it felt good to her, she wouldn't be too tired for it.
If that is the case, I can't tell you specifically what to do differently, since every woman is different, and things that I like could be things that she really can't stand.
But I will say this: if she's tired, maybe you should try to make sex a really calm, peaceful thing right now. Not something where she feels like she has to do a lot of bouncing around and performing.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:31 PM on May 4, 2010 [11 favorites]
The way I see it is - she's not too tired to hold hands. She's not too tired to kiss, or cuddle. She wouldn't be too tired to receive a massage from you. Those are all things that feel good. They are all forms of physical touching between the two of you. She would probably do them any time of the day or night. So what's different about sex?
I think the difference must be that sex doesn't feel good to her. If it felt good to her, she wouldn't be too tired for it.
If that is the case, I can't tell you specifically what to do differently, since every woman is different, and things that I like could be things that she really can't stand.
But I will say this: if she's tired, maybe you should try to make sex a really calm, peaceful thing right now. Not something where she feels like she has to do a lot of bouncing around and performing.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:31 PM on May 4, 2010 [11 favorites]
P.S. For some women, it takes a lot of work to have an orgasm. It's kind of a catch-22 because while it's not good for a guy to totally not care if a woman has an orgasm or not, other guys make way too much of a thing about it and pressure a woman to have an orgasm even when one is not readily forthcoming. Even if she'd enjoy the physical sensation of sex without having the orgasm, those guys want to keep trying and trying until she does. That can wear people out, especially if she's one of the many women for whom orgasm doesn't come easily. Just wanted to mention this in case it might be a reason that she feels she's too tired for sex - just the thought of having to keep going and going till she can finally wring an orgasm out.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:36 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ashley801 at 4:36 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nthing:
1) Talk to her. Not at a time when you want to have sex, at some other time. And do it in a non-threatening/ non-judge-y way.
2) Consider your birth control setup. If it's the pill, and there's another option that's workable that's not, think hard about changing, as a couple. I love the pill. LOVE it. So convenient! So tiny! But it does affect my libido, enough that I have to be thinking harder about ways to get myself interested than I would if I weren't on it.
3) Tired is totally an excuse. I get up at 6 in the morning, my boyfriend doesn't have to. It took a lot of talking to get him to understand that, no, really, we couldn't got to bed at 11 and then expect that initiating was going to go well for him; I can't help doing the math in my head ("Well, if this takes 45 minutes and then a half hour to fall asleep, OH GOD I WILL BE A USELESS ZOMBIE TOMORROW, STOP IT!"). Weekend mornings are better. Or afternoons. Or any other time but right before I fall asleep when getting up in the morning already is seeming ugly. Maybe they might be for her, too.
posted by charmedimsure at 4:51 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
1) Talk to her. Not at a time when you want to have sex, at some other time. And do it in a non-threatening/ non-judge-y way.
2) Consider your birth control setup. If it's the pill, and there's another option that's workable that's not, think hard about changing, as a couple. I love the pill. LOVE it. So convenient! So tiny! But it does affect my libido, enough that I have to be thinking harder about ways to get myself interested than I would if I weren't on it.
3) Tired is totally an excuse. I get up at 6 in the morning, my boyfriend doesn't have to. It took a lot of talking to get him to understand that, no, really, we couldn't got to bed at 11 and then expect that initiating was going to go well for him; I can't help doing the math in my head ("Well, if this takes 45 minutes and then a half hour to fall asleep, OH GOD I WILL BE A USELESS ZOMBIE TOMORROW, STOP IT!"). Weekend mornings are better. Or afternoons. Or any other time but right before I fall asleep when getting up in the morning already is seeming ugly. Maybe they might be for her, too.
posted by charmedimsure at 4:51 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
A relationship I value has had increasing frequency of sex for five years because the time I spend in it is only for that relationship. I see this person a couple weekends a month and we put our other stuff on hold for what we want to do together. Stated much better by Camus: "The common lot of married couples. You get married, you go on loving a bit longer, you work. And you work so hard that it makes you forget to love."
Earlier on you probably prioritized dates and occasional weekends higher than you do now. Is it an option to set aside significant time, consciously, for just the two of you with no buzzing dryers and no calls to work and no fretting? My marriage broke up (years ago) because I didn't do this.
posted by jet_silver at 5:16 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Earlier on you probably prioritized dates and occasional weekends higher than you do now. Is it an option to set aside significant time, consciously, for just the two of you with no buzzing dryers and no calls to work and no fretting? My marriage broke up (years ago) because I didn't do this.
posted by jet_silver at 5:16 PM on May 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
your fiance was, almost certainly, having sex with you in part to show independence from and defiance of her parents.
I could not possibly disagree with this more strongly. Honestly, I'm 49 years old, and this sounds like an antiquated theory even to me. Maybe in the 1950's, when things were a lot more repressed, or possible even today in certain extremely traditional cultures, but for the most part, I think that kind of thinking went out the window when feminism walked in the door.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:17 PM on May 4, 2010 [9 favorites]
I could not possibly disagree with this more strongly. Honestly, I'm 49 years old, and this sounds like an antiquated theory even to me. Maybe in the 1950's, when things were a lot more repressed, or possible even today in certain extremely traditional cultures, but for the most part, I think that kind of thinking went out the window when feminism walked in the door.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:17 PM on May 4, 2010 [9 favorites]
Best answer: There are three sets of issues here: situational issues, hormonal issues, compatibility issues. You need to address all three.
1. Situational issues.
Stress and fatigue definitely reduce libido. So there is probably at least some truth in the fact that she's not into it because she's tired and stressed out. So far so good. On the other hand, does she understand that this is a problem that needs to be addressed? Does she realize it's important for her (and you) to take steps to help her regain her libido? So far it appears she doesn't think it's important. That brings us to item 2.
2. Communication issues.
If this is non-negotiable for you, you need to make her understand that. This is not your (singular) problem, this is a problem for you two as a couple. She needs to understand that you will not be happy going the rest of your life without much sex. Once she understands that, you have a basis for discussing item 3.
3. Basic compatibility
How important is sex to you, really? How important is sex to her? Is she growing out of it, and is she okay with that? Would she be basically happy with a marriage that involved having sex a couple of times a year, and maybe more frequently when you're trying to have kids? Maybe she would. How about you? Would you be willing to settle for that, on balance? Okay, what accommodations are you each willing to make, and can you realistically make? Is she someone who can put out for you even if she's not particularly into it because she understands up front that it's part of the marriage contract? Will that lead to sex that is satisfying to you?
The fact that this trend started around the time you got engaged is a huge tell. If you don't address it, the trend will continue and get worse once you are into your marriage. As others have said, come to grips with it now. It may be something you two can resolve, but if you can't it is better to figure that out sooner rather than later.
posted by alms at 5:32 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
1. Situational issues.
Stress and fatigue definitely reduce libido. So there is probably at least some truth in the fact that she's not into it because she's tired and stressed out. So far so good. On the other hand, does she understand that this is a problem that needs to be addressed? Does she realize it's important for her (and you) to take steps to help her regain her libido? So far it appears she doesn't think it's important. That brings us to item 2.
2. Communication issues.
If this is non-negotiable for you, you need to make her understand that. This is not your (singular) problem, this is a problem for you two as a couple. She needs to understand that you will not be happy going the rest of your life without much sex. Once she understands that, you have a basis for discussing item 3.
3. Basic compatibility
How important is sex to you, really? How important is sex to her? Is she growing out of it, and is she okay with that? Would she be basically happy with a marriage that involved having sex a couple of times a year, and maybe more frequently when you're trying to have kids? Maybe she would. How about you? Would you be willing to settle for that, on balance? Okay, what accommodations are you each willing to make, and can you realistically make? Is she someone who can put out for you even if she's not particularly into it because she understands up front that it's part of the marriage contract? Will that lead to sex that is satisfying to you?
The fact that this trend started around the time you got engaged is a huge tell. If you don't address it, the trend will continue and get worse once you are into your marriage. As others have said, come to grips with it now. It may be something you two can resolve, but if you can't it is better to figure that out sooner rather than later.
posted by alms at 5:32 PM on May 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
now if we have sex 2 or 3 times in a month, that's a lot.
I hate to break it to ya, but that's pretty much how marriages/long term committed relationships are sometimes. And that's great, because the whole thing about being tired and stressed from work or school or whatever or just not in the mood because being an adult is tough or you're frustrated with your partner -- it's true. Once the endorphins of a new relationship are gone, your patterns change. And they'll continue to change with the normal ebbs and flows of a relationship.
Some time a few years or even months from now, this situation with the two of you will be reversed, trust me!
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 5:51 PM on May 4, 2010
I hate to break it to ya, but that's pretty much how marriages/long term committed relationships are sometimes. And that's great, because the whole thing about being tired and stressed from work or school or whatever or just not in the mood because being an adult is tough or you're frustrated with your partner -- it's true. Once the endorphins of a new relationship are gone, your patterns change. And they'll continue to change with the normal ebbs and flows of a relationship.
Some time a few years or even months from now, this situation with the two of you will be reversed, trust me!
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 5:51 PM on May 4, 2010
Based on what you've written, I'd be more concerned about the fact that you two aren't able to talk about this openly. Before this, you had a status quo that pleased you both, now you have a status quo that you're unhappy about but are not able to express this. If she's making you feel uncomfortable for bringing it up because she can't face the issue head–on or doesn't respect your feelings enough to take it seriously, then that's a concern. In the meantime, the marriage is still on. Anyway, that's what I'd be most frustrated about.
posted by fantasticninety at 5:54 PM on May 4, 2010
posted by fantasticninety at 5:54 PM on May 4, 2010
I think the difference must be that sex doesn't feel good to her. If it felt good to her, she wouldn't be too tired for it.
Holding hands takes 15 seconds. Kissing and cuddling takes 5 minutes. Even getting a massage is, what, fifteen minutes to a half hour?
Sex, otoh, takes a solid hour. Maybe more. Plus cleanup time. And it burns a TON of energy. If you've gotten into bed knowing that if you go to sleep RIGHT NOW you'll have seven hours and fifteen minutes of sleep before your alarm goes off, that time commitment can be a real turnoff.
posted by KathrynT at 5:58 PM on May 4, 2010 [7 favorites]
Holding hands takes 15 seconds. Kissing and cuddling takes 5 minutes. Even getting a massage is, what, fifteen minutes to a half hour?
Sex, otoh, takes a solid hour. Maybe more. Plus cleanup time. And it burns a TON of energy. If you've gotten into bed knowing that if you go to sleep RIGHT NOW you'll have seven hours and fifteen minutes of sleep before your alarm goes off, that time commitment can be a real turnoff.
posted by KathrynT at 5:58 PM on May 4, 2010 [7 favorites]
There are three sets of issues here: situational issues, hormonal issues, compatibility issues.
Ugh, of course that should have read "situational issues, communication issues, compatibility issues."
posted by alms at 6:05 PM on May 4, 2010
Ugh, of course that should have read "situational issues, communication issues, compatibility issues."
posted by alms at 6:05 PM on May 4, 2010
nthing talking to her about it. this is a big deal. i experienced something similar, and we broke up a few months later.
you might also want to read about differentiation in a relationship-- are you becoming too much alike?
posted by sninctown at 6:32 PM on May 4, 2010
you might also want to read about differentiation in a relationship-- are you becoming too much alike?
posted by sninctown at 6:32 PM on May 4, 2010
Birth control, stress, fatigue, general health. All these can zero libido. For both men and women.
My husband and I have been through a several-months period recently where sex was minimal to non-existent. It sucked. But we were both too tired, too stressed, and too depressed to even want to. We were (and are) still attracted to each other, still find each other sexy, and still love each other deeply - but the match between spirit and flesh of both parties being willing and able at the same time? Just hasn't been happening.
Our relationship is fine. Our sex life, whilst distinctly suboptimal, has been discussed, and well, we're waiting for everything to get back into sync, and taking steps towards that goal as life allows. This happens, in long term relationships. Neither of us is bored, cheating, or unattracted. I would say, on balance, that our relationship is healthy, but our current life circumstances are significantly less healthy.
The key, I think, is communication. We talk about all aspects of our relationship - sex, together time, out time, in time, finances, time management, housework, lifestyle, goals, etc and so forth - on a pretty regular basis, as a matter of course. Just so that we have a really good idea of where each others' head is at.
Datapoint: no sex prior to marriage, married 8 years, still happy (yes, both of us). I'm 29, he's 28.
posted by ysabet at 9:28 PM on May 4, 2010
My husband and I have been through a several-months period recently where sex was minimal to non-existent. It sucked. But we were both too tired, too stressed, and too depressed to even want to. We were (and are) still attracted to each other, still find each other sexy, and still love each other deeply - but the match between spirit and flesh of both parties being willing and able at the same time? Just hasn't been happening.
Our relationship is fine. Our sex life, whilst distinctly suboptimal, has been discussed, and well, we're waiting for everything to get back into sync, and taking steps towards that goal as life allows. This happens, in long term relationships. Neither of us is bored, cheating, or unattracted. I would say, on balance, that our relationship is healthy, but our current life circumstances are significantly less healthy.
The key, I think, is communication. We talk about all aspects of our relationship - sex, together time, out time, in time, finances, time management, housework, lifestyle, goals, etc and so forth - on a pretty regular basis, as a matter of course. Just so that we have a really good idea of where each others' head is at.
Datapoint: no sex prior to marriage, married 8 years, still happy (yes, both of us). I'm 29, he's 28.
posted by ysabet at 9:28 PM on May 4, 2010
Speaking as someone whose sex life died shortly after marriage (we were both 40), it's hard to be on the non-receiving end of things. My spouse is a wonderful, loving partner in every sense of the word except for that. (He just doesn't have any interest.) I've managed to make my peace with it but had I known this ahead of time, I might not have gone into marriage because a sexless marriage isn't fun.
I make a choice to stay for many, many reasons but you are too young (IMO) to go through this. If it's happening now, consider it a red flag to look at with eyes wide open.
I hope you guys figure this out. Wishing you all the best.
posted by Mysticalchick at 7:28 AM on May 5, 2010
I make a choice to stay for many, many reasons but you are too young (IMO) to go through this. If it's happening now, consider it a red flag to look at with eyes wide open.
I hope you guys figure this out. Wishing you all the best.
posted by Mysticalchick at 7:28 AM on May 5, 2010
Response by poster: There's a lot of great advice here everybody. Thanks to all of you who have contributed so far. Just to answer a few questions, yes she is on birth control pills. So we'll talk about that and perhaps try a different form of contraception. Some of you have commented on house work and laundry. I do 90% of the house work, including cleaning, dishes, and yes I do the laundry. I work a lot from home so I have more time to do it then her. I really don't mind. But I don't think this is one of those cases where she would complain about having too much housework. She's always saying how lucky she is to have a guy who does a lot of the housework. And it makes me happy when she's happy.
I agree about communication here...we both need to be able to talk about this more. I admit, I'm often not that great when it comes to saying what's on my mind. I tend to get quiet and distant rather then just talking directly about the topic. But eventually I address any major issues. But it takes me time to process things and decided whether or not things are worth bringing up and if so...how to bring them up. This is certainly not an easy topic to discuss with your partner. It can be very awkward. I guess another part of me feels bad this is even happening. So I'm having trouble facing it.
In the end, I tend to think that those of you who say there's a good chance she's not enjoying the sex...are more then likely on the right track. But we'll have to communicate more to see what's going on. It's not fair for me to make assumptions.
Hope to hear more from people. I appreciate everybody's time here.
posted by ljs30 at 9:55 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree about communication here...we both need to be able to talk about this more. I admit, I'm often not that great when it comes to saying what's on my mind. I tend to get quiet and distant rather then just talking directly about the topic. But eventually I address any major issues. But it takes me time to process things and decided whether or not things are worth bringing up and if so...how to bring them up. This is certainly not an easy topic to discuss with your partner. It can be very awkward. I guess another part of me feels bad this is even happening. So I'm having trouble facing it.
In the end, I tend to think that those of you who say there's a good chance she's not enjoying the sex...are more then likely on the right track. But we'll have to communicate more to see what's going on. It's not fair for me to make assumptions.
Hope to hear more from people. I appreciate everybody's time here.
posted by ljs30 at 9:55 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can't believe anyone isn't saying "very few people keep up the pace they set when they were first dating or first moved in together, it's a real challenge to keep a relationship alive sexually, you have to both work on it and talk about it, there's no instant SEX switch that goes on and stays on forever once you're in a committed long term relationship" so let me be the first to say ALL of those things.
While I agree that you need to talk about it before you get married, I do not think that she is cheating on you, disinterested in sex with you, or even burdened with "housework". Things. Just. Change. (gross generalizing to follow ) Female sexuality is different than male sexuality.
In my experience, many guys are always ready to have sex, while women, even if they really want to have sex right that second, need a little more time to get into it. Honestly, I can be sitting on the couch and thinking about having sex, but that doesn't mean i could just turn around and start going at it. I'd need the tv off, I'd need a little time to connect with my partner (especially if I haven't seen him all day or if we'd been super busy for a while), i'd want to make sure my teeth were brushed (and vice versa) - you know? It took me a long time to learn that all guys need is for me to say "let's have sex" and they're RIGHT THERE, but I need a little bit more time. (Now, that's not always true, women can dig quickies just like guys do, but not always. I said I was grossly generalizing.)
But the bigger thing is that when you are in a relationship and living together, you're not dating. When you're dating you put the real world aside for a little while. When you're living together, you're coming home thinking about work or the crappy commute, and did I remember to pay the electric bill, and I need to take my good suit to the cleaners, and oh, god, there is like nothing to eat in the refrigerator, and my boss was a jerk today, and I need to find time to go see my parents on the weekend, and I walk in and smell the cat box and think, geez--
Please forgive me if I am not an instant sexpot because I walked into the house and you are there.
posted by micawber at 11:01 AM on May 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
While I agree that you need to talk about it before you get married, I do not think that she is cheating on you, disinterested in sex with you, or even burdened with "housework". Things. Just. Change. (gross generalizing to follow ) Female sexuality is different than male sexuality.
In my experience, many guys are always ready to have sex, while women, even if they really want to have sex right that second, need a little more time to get into it. Honestly, I can be sitting on the couch and thinking about having sex, but that doesn't mean i could just turn around and start going at it. I'd need the tv off, I'd need a little time to connect with my partner (especially if I haven't seen him all day or if we'd been super busy for a while), i'd want to make sure my teeth were brushed (and vice versa) - you know? It took me a long time to learn that all guys need is for me to say "let's have sex" and they're RIGHT THERE, but I need a little bit more time. (Now, that's not always true, women can dig quickies just like guys do, but not always. I said I was grossly generalizing.)
But the bigger thing is that when you are in a relationship and living together, you're not dating. When you're dating you put the real world aside for a little while. When you're living together, you're coming home thinking about work or the crappy commute, and did I remember to pay the electric bill, and I need to take my good suit to the cleaners, and oh, god, there is like nothing to eat in the refrigerator, and my boss was a jerk today, and I need to find time to go see my parents on the weekend, and I walk in and smell the cat box and think, geez--
Please forgive me if I am not an instant sexpot because I walked into the house and you are there.
posted by micawber at 11:01 AM on May 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Speaking from experience, I think birth control pills may be a factor.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:22 AM on May 5, 2010
posted by KokuRyu at 11:22 AM on May 5, 2010
Since you followed up, let me pick up on
I work a lot from home
My husband works from home as well, I work primarily in an office. We have different attitudes at the end of the day because of this.
When we both worked in offices, at the end of the day, we would both need some separate unwind time, by ourselves. We're both similar in the way that we get exhausted being with people all day long, and need some time to exhale, relax, quiet, etc. before we were able to hang out together.
Now that my husband works from home, the dynamic changed. I get home, I still need time to unwind my brain. He really doesn't any longer. Sure, he has people he is dealing with on calls and emails and such, but they aren't there with him any longer. By the end of the day, he is ready for face to face contact. He wants to chat with me, cuddle, etc. I'm still in unwind mode. We're mismatched when I walk in the door now.
We did talk about it, and we've sorted it out, now he remembers what he used to be like after getting home from the office. Now I get a little more space, and I end up in a much better mood for the rest of the evening.
posted by kellyblah at 11:28 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I work a lot from home
My husband works from home as well, I work primarily in an office. We have different attitudes at the end of the day because of this.
When we both worked in offices, at the end of the day, we would both need some separate unwind time, by ourselves. We're both similar in the way that we get exhausted being with people all day long, and need some time to exhale, relax, quiet, etc. before we were able to hang out together.
Now that my husband works from home, the dynamic changed. I get home, I still need time to unwind my brain. He really doesn't any longer. Sure, he has people he is dealing with on calls and emails and such, but they aren't there with him any longer. By the end of the day, he is ready for face to face contact. He wants to chat with me, cuddle, etc. I'm still in unwind mode. We're mismatched when I walk in the door now.
We did talk about it, and we've sorted it out, now he remembers what he used to be like after getting home from the office. Now I get a little more space, and I end up in a much better mood for the rest of the evening.
posted by kellyblah at 11:28 AM on May 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I do agree that it can be a challenge to keep the sex going in long terms relationships. As I said in my posting, I never believed that our frequency of sex would keep going at the same rate. But studies have been done and I believe it was said that married couples have sex anywhere from 100-130 times a year. Averaging about 1 or 2 times a week. Of course there's really no way to know for certain what people are doing behind closed doors. The problem rises when one person wants sex more often then the other. And in my case, our frequency of sex changed over the course of several months, not several years. Many married couples are having sex 3 or 4 times a week and they've been married for years. We're not even married yet. That being said, once again I do agree that the passion does slow down the longer you're together. But it doesn't all of a sudden stop, and as someone who is still fairly young, I think having regular sex is very healthy.
As far as our work situations....yes working from home creates a whole different attitude. My job is one that I love. I don't really have a boss. At the end of the day, I'm happy and not drained. My fiance on the other hand comes home usually stressed and full of bad things to say about work. She works hard, and sometimes goes under-appreciated. I can totally understand how that affects things. But still, there's weekends. And she doesn't work on weekends. That's when the rejection is the hardest. We go out to dinner on a Saturday night. All is good, and then nothing. It's frustrating.
I do think that my fiance and I will be fine. Our relationship isn't based on sex. I can't imagine spending my life with someone else. And I also agree that I'm sure somewhere down the road my sex drive will decrease and there may even be a time where her sex drive is higher then mine. But compromise is key. Making an effort is key. And yes communication is key.
I welcome more comments and suggestions here. Thanks.
posted by ljs30 at 2:53 PM on May 5, 2010
As far as our work situations....yes working from home creates a whole different attitude. My job is one that I love. I don't really have a boss. At the end of the day, I'm happy and not drained. My fiance on the other hand comes home usually stressed and full of bad things to say about work. She works hard, and sometimes goes under-appreciated. I can totally understand how that affects things. But still, there's weekends. And she doesn't work on weekends. That's when the rejection is the hardest. We go out to dinner on a Saturday night. All is good, and then nothing. It's frustrating.
I do think that my fiance and I will be fine. Our relationship isn't based on sex. I can't imagine spending my life with someone else. And I also agree that I'm sure somewhere down the road my sex drive will decrease and there may even be a time where her sex drive is higher then mine. But compromise is key. Making an effort is key. And yes communication is key.
I welcome more comments and suggestions here. Thanks.
posted by ljs30 at 2:53 PM on May 5, 2010
Sex, otoh, takes a solid hour. Maybe more. Plus cleanup time. And it burns a TON of energy. If you've gotten into bed knowing that if you go to sleep RIGHT NOW you'll have seven hours and fifteen minutes of sleep before your alarm goes off, that time commitment can be a real turnoff.
Well, I gotta say that when you have three kids in a small house and no time, when you're lucky enough to have sex you can have as little as five minutes. And if that's what you have, and you haven't gotten any in a few months, and you're looking at least another month until the next probable shot...well, you learn to make so with five minutes.
Of course, issues of time can be solved with planning, but this assumes your partner is up for it.
And let me say that "of course on the wedding night" is by no means a given.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 5:01 PM on May 5, 2010
Well, I gotta say that when you have three kids in a small house and no time, when you're lucky enough to have sex you can have as little as five minutes. And if that's what you have, and you haven't gotten any in a few months, and you're looking at least another month until the next probable shot...well, you learn to make so with five minutes.
Of course, issues of time can be solved with planning, but this assumes your partner is up for it.
And let me say that "of course on the wedding night" is by no means a given.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 5:01 PM on May 5, 2010
But studies have been done and I believe it was said that married couples have sex anywhere from 100-130 times a year. Averaging about 1 or 2 times a week. Of course there's really no way to know for certain what people are doing behind closed doors. The problem rises when one person wants sex more often then the other. And in my case, our frequency of sex changed over the course of several months, not several years. Many married couples are having sex 3 or 4 times a week and they've been married for years.
According to the Kinsey Institute, nearly 60% of couples report having sex a few times a month or less. Yes, some married couples have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Some also have it once a year--or never. This kind of score keeping really isn't going to do you or your fiance any favors.
And it's not all that unusual for this to change abruptly due to sudden increase of stresses. I really think you should talk to your fiance neutrally and at a time when you're not trying to initiate sex. Ask her what's up. Then, the next time you anticipate that you might want to have sex later in the day, bring it up well ahead of time ("Hey hon, sex later?"). Don't expect her to be a mind-reader. and give her time to mentally pencil you in. I know that when I'm tired and feeling worn-down, I'm much more likely to ignore hints and come-ons. But if someone asks, flat out, then at least there's space to have a conversation about it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:13 PM on May 5, 2010
According to the Kinsey Institute, nearly 60% of couples report having sex a few times a month or less. Yes, some married couples have sex 3 or 4 times a week. Some also have it once a year--or never. This kind of score keeping really isn't going to do you or your fiance any favors.
And it's not all that unusual for this to change abruptly due to sudden increase of stresses. I really think you should talk to your fiance neutrally and at a time when you're not trying to initiate sex. Ask her what's up. Then, the next time you anticipate that you might want to have sex later in the day, bring it up well ahead of time ("Hey hon, sex later?"). Don't expect her to be a mind-reader. and give her time to mentally pencil you in. I know that when I'm tired and feeling worn-down, I'm much more likely to ignore hints and come-ons. But if someone asks, flat out, then at least there's space to have a conversation about it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:13 PM on May 5, 2010
I think that when a woman stops having sex with her man, it's because she's lost attraction, is bored, or is cheating on him. I don't buy the whole, I'm too tired, or I'm just not in the mood.
Trust your instincts.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:25 AM on July 20, 2010
Trust your instincts.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:25 AM on July 20, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
And it could be that she's literally too tired. Has she been to the doctor to get that checked? I would approach it from a place of being concerned for her well-being, rather than "I don't buy your lousy excuses."
posted by amethysts at 1:37 PM on May 4, 2010 [1 favorite]