"what you risk reveals what you value"
April 14, 2010 6:53 AM Subscribe
What precautions to take when meeting a online romantic interest in a foreign country?
A friend met someone online about a year ago. She is female, he is male. They talked on email for a while and then moved to telephone, and speak every day. She broke up with her then partner because she and the online chap agreed to be together. He lives in the US and she in the UK, so they have not yet met. She is planning to fly out to stay with him in the summer, for two weeks. (He can't fly because of health problems.)
What precautions can she take to make sure she is safe? She is reasonably sure he is not a raving loon, especially as she has been in email contact with his sister. I suggested a code word she could say to me by telephone, email or text if necessary, and I'd then contact the police. Safe sex is an obvious one. I have suggested she stays in a hotel rather than with him, but he is very keen to save her money by having her stay at his. He has also mentioned them making a visit to stay with friends of his for a few days.
Obviously the whole trip has the potential to be stressful at times. What can she do to make it as safe as possible, given that she doesn't want to offend him by taking precautions he might consider extreme, and that their desire to get to know each other better will mean spending time alone?
Any stories about meeting one's online partner/romantic interest for the first time also useful. Thanks.
A friend met someone online about a year ago. She is female, he is male. They talked on email for a while and then moved to telephone, and speak every day. She broke up with her then partner because she and the online chap agreed to be together. He lives in the US and she in the UK, so they have not yet met. She is planning to fly out to stay with him in the summer, for two weeks. (He can't fly because of health problems.)
What precautions can she take to make sure she is safe? She is reasonably sure he is not a raving loon, especially as she has been in email contact with his sister. I suggested a code word she could say to me by telephone, email or text if necessary, and I'd then contact the police. Safe sex is an obvious one. I have suggested she stays in a hotel rather than with him, but he is very keen to save her money by having her stay at his. He has also mentioned them making a visit to stay with friends of his for a few days.
Obviously the whole trip has the potential to be stressful at times. What can she do to make it as safe as possible, given that she doesn't want to offend him by taking precautions he might consider extreme, and that their desire to get to know each other better will mean spending time alone?
Any stories about meeting one's online partner/romantic interest for the first time also useful. Thanks.
I would agree with your suggestion - she should book a hotel for the first few days, at the least, until it is clear that everything is as it appears.
posted by unlaced at 7:17 AM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by unlaced at 7:17 AM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
When she first meets him and/or goes to his place, she should "be so excited that she has to take a photo of him/his house with her phone right now and e-mail it to her friend!" Then do it.
posted by carmicha at 7:26 AM on April 14, 2010
posted by carmicha at 7:26 AM on April 14, 2010
Probably over-the-top, but:
Know the nearest Embassy
Register with LOCATE
Carry a switched on mobile phone at all times. US emergency code is 911.
Also, she should pass on his address and her hotel address to you.
You could set up a system where she checks in with you at certain intervals - say every morning. If she misses checking in over a certain period (e.g. misses two days in a row) you call the FCO or even the local cops. Might be a bit embarrassing if she's just been swept off her feet and forgot, and the cops roll up, but better safe than sorry I guess.
She could play the hotel as "just want to get over jet lag so you we don't meet for the first time when I'm cranky and all scuzzy from the long flight!"
She should leave copies of her important docs/cards with you - passport and credit/debit cards spring to mind.
Also, if something feels wrong to her (a situation, a suggestion, a location, anything) she should follow her instinct and not feel that she has to do something.
A lot of this is ultra-paranoid stuff, and I'm sure she'll have a fantastic trip. But never hurts to be sure!
posted by djgh at 7:48 AM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Know the nearest Embassy
Register with LOCATE
Carry a switched on mobile phone at all times. US emergency code is 911.
Also, she should pass on his address and her hotel address to you.
You could set up a system where she checks in with you at certain intervals - say every morning. If she misses checking in over a certain period (e.g. misses two days in a row) you call the FCO or even the local cops. Might be a bit embarrassing if she's just been swept off her feet and forgot, and the cops roll up, but better safe than sorry I guess.
She could play the hotel as "just want to get over jet lag so you we don't meet for the first time when I'm cranky and all scuzzy from the long flight!"
She should leave copies of her important docs/cards with you - passport and credit/debit cards spring to mind.
Also, if something feels wrong to her (a situation, a suggestion, a location, anything) she should follow her instinct and not feel that she has to do something.
A lot of this is ultra-paranoid stuff, and I'm sure she'll have a fantastic trip. But never hurts to be sure!
posted by djgh at 7:48 AM on April 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I suggested a code word she could say to me by telephone, email or text if necessary, and I'd then contact the police.
I think you should reverse this -- if she doesn't call/email/text you with the secret code word (something a tiny bit unusual -- "Love the herring here!", say), you then start the rescue process. That way if things are awful and he's a crazy weirdo, her lack of contact, or the email she writes with him watching over her shoulder, will alert you to the problem.
But at the same time, be prepared for your frantic call to the police force in Anywhereville, saying "my friend flew over to meet a guy and I think she's not happy!", to be met with a collective shrug. You can have all the code words in the world, but you might not have any way to help her if things aren't great.
posted by Forktine at 7:54 AM on April 14, 2010
I think you should reverse this -- if she doesn't call/email/text you with the secret code word (something a tiny bit unusual -- "Love the herring here!", say), you then start the rescue process. That way if things are awful and he's a crazy weirdo, her lack of contact, or the email she writes with him watching over her shoulder, will alert you to the problem.
But at the same time, be prepared for your frantic call to the police force in Anywhereville, saying "my friend flew over to meet a guy and I think she's not happy!", to be met with a collective shrug. You can have all the code words in the world, but you might not have any way to help her if things aren't great.
posted by Forktine at 7:54 AM on April 14, 2010
She should definitely book a hotel for the first couple days, if for no other reason than to get over jet-lag. Tired and cranky from travel and having to meet and stay with someone immediately can be overwhelming. And if they hit it off fabulously, she can always cancel the hotel after the first night.
posted by DaveP at 9:02 AM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by DaveP at 9:02 AM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Have they webcammed or video skyped at all? This should be a requisite step before any travel is booked. It tells you so so much more about a person to be able to see their gestures when talking, you would be amazed....
Then when/if it's booked, definitely a hotel, do not consider for even for a moment staying at his house before meeting him. It's very easy to cancel a hotel stay at the last minute, not as easy trying to explain why you suddenly want to change your plans and stay in a hotel instead of at his place.
I speak from experience.
posted by newpotato at 9:33 AM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Then when/if it's booked, definitely a hotel, do not consider for even for a moment staying at his house before meeting him. It's very easy to cancel a hotel stay at the last minute, not as easy trying to explain why you suddenly want to change your plans and stay in a hotel instead of at his place.
I speak from experience.
posted by newpotato at 9:33 AM on April 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have been the anchor for people in the past (although not internationally). You want to know at least:
a) Where she is staying
b) All the contact information for the guy, including a photo, if she has one
c) Contact information for the local police and her embassy
Set up a regular call. If she misses it by more than an hour or so, you call the cops.
You also want a "danger" word -- something unusual but not strange, so if she is forced to call, she can work it into the conversation. If she uses it, call the police. (You mention this above, but I thought I would add it in for completeness.)
Honestly, a hotel sounds like a very good idea. She wants a place to retreat if things don't work out well. Even if he is sane and above board, she may want some time away to process. An alternative would be to find a cheap hotel in the area to use as a "fall back" if she has to. Assuming she can afford it, it's her call. If he has an issue with that, well, that tells her something.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:14 AM on April 14, 2010
a) Where she is staying
b) All the contact information for the guy, including a photo, if she has one
c) Contact information for the local police and her embassy
Set up a regular call. If she misses it by more than an hour or so, you call the cops.
You also want a "danger" word -- something unusual but not strange, so if she is forced to call, she can work it into the conversation. If she uses it, call the police. (You mention this above, but I thought I would add it in for completeness.)
Honestly, a hotel sounds like a very good idea. She wants a place to retreat if things don't work out well. Even if he is sane and above board, she may want some time away to process. An alternative would be to find a cheap hotel in the area to use as a "fall back" if she has to. Assuming she can afford it, it's her call. If he has an issue with that, well, that tells her something.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:14 AM on April 14, 2010
Do you have any friends or family who live in the UK? I think it's good to go over there with some local emergency contact numbers. It would be nice if you could have someone (even a friend of a friend) "on the ground" just in case. Also, a hotel is a wise idea.
Even if this doesn't go bad in an unsafe way, it could just go bad in a garden-variety two people don't click way, and it's good to have a safety net of a hotel and a friend.
posted by bluefly at 11:05 AM on April 14, 2010
Even if this doesn't go bad in an unsafe way, it could just go bad in a garden-variety two people don't click way, and it's good to have a safety net of a hotel and a friend.
posted by bluefly at 11:05 AM on April 14, 2010
she doesn't want to offend him by taking precautions he might consider extreme,
Just wanted to say that if he is a stand-up guy, he will be 100% understanding about any and all precautions she takes in a situation like this, and in fact, would encourage her to take them.
Any other kind of reaction would be, in and of itself, a warning sign to me.
I have suggested she stays in a hotel rather than with him, but he is very keen to save her money by having her stay at his.
She should stay in a hotel at *least* the first day. What if she meets him and is just not attracted to him? (He smells bad, isn't quite what he looked like in pictures, or she simply doesn't feel any chemistry?)
There will be a million times more pressure on her to do something she's not entirely comfortable with, including pressure to have sex with him, if she's staying in his house. If she's already nervous about offending him, it's going to be that much harder to get out of the situation.
If she meets him and loves him, great! She doesn't have to go back to the hotel. It should be there as an option though.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:16 PM on April 14, 2010
Just wanted to say that if he is a stand-up guy, he will be 100% understanding about any and all precautions she takes in a situation like this, and in fact, would encourage her to take them.
Any other kind of reaction would be, in and of itself, a warning sign to me.
I have suggested she stays in a hotel rather than with him, but he is very keen to save her money by having her stay at his.
She should stay in a hotel at *least* the first day. What if she meets him and is just not attracted to him? (He smells bad, isn't quite what he looked like in pictures, or she simply doesn't feel any chemistry?)
There will be a million times more pressure on her to do something she's not entirely comfortable with, including pressure to have sex with him, if she's staying in his house. If she's already nervous about offending him, it's going to be that much harder to get out of the situation.
If she meets him and loves him, great! She doesn't have to go back to the hotel. It should be there as an option though.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:16 PM on April 14, 2010
P.S. When I was a teenager I had this really old-school, conservative, gun-collecting boss. One day he said to me:
"Ashley, listen to me. If a guy ever says to you 'if you love me, you'll trust me' -- for any reason --"
"Yeah?"
"Let me know and I'll shoot him dead right then and there!"
I saw you said the reason the boyfriend wants her to stay in his place is to save her money. But if she decides to stay in a hotel and he objects -- especially if he objects because he says it makes it seem like she doesn't trust him -- just be wary.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:22 PM on April 14, 2010
"Ashley, listen to me. If a guy ever says to you 'if you love me, you'll trust me' -- for any reason --"
"Yeah?"
"Let me know and I'll shoot him dead right then and there!"
I saw you said the reason the boyfriend wants her to stay in his place is to save her money. But if she decides to stay in a hotel and he objects -- especially if he objects because he says it makes it seem like she doesn't trust him -- just be wary.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:22 PM on April 14, 2010
nthing the "No way in hell should she be planning to stay with him straight away." Book a hotel/motel for a few days with a flexible return on the ticket. If it all goes great she can stay and go to his place. If there are no sparks or he turns out to be a creep, she can GTFO easily.
posted by rodgerd at 1:39 AM on April 15, 2010
posted by rodgerd at 1:39 AM on April 15, 2010
Yep, folks who are together still need space. Being with someone all the time in unfamiliar surroundings can be a drag/overwhelming, even in the best of circumstances. Sometime you want your own bed and your own food. That's why hotels are your friend, even if she just books for the first few days.
If she hasn't done it yet, make sure she checks out the community she's going to online. It will help her to familiarize herself.
Also, make sure she's always got some cash/credit cards handy....and a disposable cell phone if hers doesn't work here.
Best of luck to her!
posted by anitanita at 12:38 AM on May 11, 2010
If she hasn't done it yet, make sure she checks out the community she's going to online. It will help her to familiarize herself.
Also, make sure she's always got some cash/credit cards handy....and a disposable cell phone if hers doesn't work here.
Best of luck to her!
posted by anitanita at 12:38 AM on May 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think she should take the precautions she's comfortable with and he can either get offended (tough!) or be completely understanding and they can laugh about it while celebrating their tenth wedding anniversary.
posted by ceri richard at 7:09 AM on April 14, 2010