how to keep this conversation going?
April 1, 2010 7:58 PM Subscribe
How do you keep the conversation going with someone who keeps mentioning details that you have absolutely no interest in?
I've recently started hanging out with someone who, for lack of better phrasing, persists in bringing up details that I really don't care about. For example, he'll say things like "you'd like my friend, she's an archaeology major" - although I haven't shown any interest in archaeology or related things. He's also prone to labelling things; e.g. "you'll like this; it's creative," (emphasis his). It's starting to grate on me and I'd stop hanging out with him but I'm in a new city and company is in short supply. When he says things like that I have no idea how to respond besides something alone the lines of "um... okay?" and then the conversation dies. How do I respond in a way that keeps the convo going?
I've recently started hanging out with someone who, for lack of better phrasing, persists in bringing up details that I really don't care about. For example, he'll say things like "you'd like my friend, she's an archaeology major" - although I haven't shown any interest in archaeology or related things. He's also prone to labelling things; e.g. "you'll like this; it's creative," (emphasis his). It's starting to grate on me and I'd stop hanging out with him but I'm in a new city and company is in short supply. When he says things like that I have no idea how to respond besides something alone the lines of "um... okay?" and then the conversation dies. How do I respond in a way that keeps the convo going?
Hang out with people who interest you. If it's not possible, force yourself to become interested in his inane details. Maybe you'll learn something you didn't know.
posted by Happydaz at 8:05 PM on April 1, 2010
posted by Happydaz at 8:05 PM on April 1, 2010
It's just his way of saying he thinks something is cool or interesting or worthwhile. He thinks the fact that his friend is an archaeology major is an interesting detail, and probably something that almost anyone would find interesting, not just you specifically. He also probably thinks that most people would appreciate something that showed creativity.
I can't figure out why this is annoying you so much or why you can't figure out how to respond. Just respond however you want. Ask a follow-up question ("Oh cool, has she gone on any digs?") or make a follow-up statement ("That is creative, but it's not really my cup of tea.")
posted by amro at 8:05 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
I can't figure out why this is annoying you so much or why you can't figure out how to respond. Just respond however you want. Ask a follow-up question ("Oh cool, has she gone on any digs?") or make a follow-up statement ("That is creative, but it's not really my cup of tea.")
posted by amro at 8:05 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Sounds like there is something else going on and these are symptoms of the fact that you don't really click with this person. You're new in town, it's hard to find people to meet and hang out with, but why force yourself to hang out with someone you don't really like? Methinks that will end up being hurtful to him as well, in the end...
posted by dubitable at 8:09 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by dubitable at 8:09 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you don't gel with someone, just stop hanging out with them. It's probably not a good fit. It's also irritating to be pigeon-holed ("She just loves Twilight, so I think you two ought to meet!)
Making new friends in a new city is a lot like dating. Sometimes you just have to go your separate ways.
However, it sounds like your friend is trying in a number of ways: he's trying to engage you and maintain conversation, and he's trying to help introduce you to other people.
The least you can do is be polite and put some effort into maintaining the conversation, either by asking questions, or gently ending whatever seemingly irrelevant tangent your friend has embarked on and moving the conversation on to something you can both talk about.
Being a polite listener means practicing active listening. It's a skill that not everyone has mastered.
Networking and managing professional relationships are a big part of my job. I come into contact with all sorts of people, and it's not always easy to converse with some of them. Active listening has helped.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:09 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Making new friends in a new city is a lot like dating. Sometimes you just have to go your separate ways.
However, it sounds like your friend is trying in a number of ways: he's trying to engage you and maintain conversation, and he's trying to help introduce you to other people.
The least you can do is be polite and put some effort into maintaining the conversation, either by asking questions, or gently ending whatever seemingly irrelevant tangent your friend has embarked on and moving the conversation on to something you can both talk about.
Being a polite listener means practicing active listening. It's a skill that not everyone has mastered.
Networking and managing professional relationships are a big part of my job. I come into contact with all sorts of people, and it's not always easy to converse with some of them. Active listening has helped.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:09 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
What are you interested in? What do you care about? Do you make an effort to talk about those things in his company? Maybe he's just trying to make conversation and hitting a wall with you.
Otherwise, if he irritates you so much, go find other friends. It's hard, but you shouldn't feel obligated to hang out with someone you don't particularly like.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:12 PM on April 1, 2010
Otherwise, if he irritates you so much, go find other friends. It's hard, but you shouldn't feel obligated to hang out with someone you don't particularly like.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:12 PM on April 1, 2010
details that I really don't care about.
It's hard, when you're hanging out with someone new, to know what s/he'll care about or be interested in. It sounds like this guy is trying really hard to seed the conversation with a bunch of varied pieces of information (my friend Sue is an archaeology major, etc.) in hopes that you'll pick up on something and say, "Wow! I love archaeology! I took a bunch of classes in college and my favorite one was on early bronze age Mesopotamian pottery..." or "You're right, this is creative, but it's not really my thing; I like urban cupcake blogs better--do you follow Cake Attack?" In other words, the way to keep the conversation going is... to go with it. If you don't know or care about archaeology, ask what interests him (or his friend) in it. If you hate archaeology, say "You know, I'm glad it works for her, but I took one archaeology class in college and it put me to sleep. I loved my art history surveys though..."
I mean, he could just be one of those people who has to "be interesting" all the time and sort of name-drops topics of conversation (which is tiresome, and if that's the case you should find another person to hang out with).
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:20 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's hard, when you're hanging out with someone new, to know what s/he'll care about or be interested in. It sounds like this guy is trying really hard to seed the conversation with a bunch of varied pieces of information (my friend Sue is an archaeology major, etc.) in hopes that you'll pick up on something and say, "Wow! I love archaeology! I took a bunch of classes in college and my favorite one was on early bronze age Mesopotamian pottery..." or "You're right, this is creative, but it's not really my thing; I like urban cupcake blogs better--do you follow Cake Attack?" In other words, the way to keep the conversation going is... to go with it. If you don't know or care about archaeology, ask what interests him (or his friend) in it. If you hate archaeology, say "You know, I'm glad it works for her, but I took one archaeology class in college and it put me to sleep. I loved my art history surveys though..."
I mean, he could just be one of those people who has to "be interesting" all the time and sort of name-drops topics of conversation (which is tiresome, and if that's the case you should find another person to hang out with).
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:20 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me like he thinks highly of you--that you're creative and like creative and interesting people. It's not like he said "You'd like my friend, she's a telemarketer [no offense to telemarketers]." He's basically saying "I have friends who are cool and do interesting things; you'd like them because you're cool and do interesting things."
I don't really get why this grates on you. I was expecting an example like "Here's what I did today. I went to the store and milk was on sale! And then I picked up my laundry and had a nice chat!"
But yeah, if hanging out with him is more irritating than hanging out alone, quit hanging out with him so he can spend more time with his creative friends.
posted by sallybrown at 8:22 PM on April 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
I don't really get why this grates on you. I was expecting an example like "Here's what I did today. I went to the store and milk was on sale! And then I picked up my laundry and had a nice chat!"
But yeah, if hanging out with him is more irritating than hanging out alone, quit hanging out with him so he can spend more time with his creative friends.
posted by sallybrown at 8:22 PM on April 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
Gosh, I've never met anyone in whom I'm not interested. Is your time so precious that you just don't have any time to listen? It seems to me that "...details that I really don't care about...." is just another way of saying, "I've decided you are too boring to waste my precious time on." You might like to take the time and make the effort to find out whether there is anything interesting about that person. I'm sure everyone has some part of their character that could be boring to you. If this is how you filter your relationships, it is going to be a long lonely life.
posted by Old Geezer at 8:29 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Old Geezer at 8:29 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Drawing only from within the four corners of what you've written, I don't understand what's so annoying about this person. Why is he only permitted to bring up the fact that this person is an archaeology major if you've previously expressed an interest in archaeology? It's kind of an obscure major, maybe he thought it would be of interest. I don't see the issue in labeling something "creative" or not.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you just plain don't like this person's company so much, and you're generally irritated by him. That's the way the cookie crumbles, I guess? People have different conversational styles and want different things out of leisure time.
Take up an activity you do like, and meet people through that activity.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:37 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you just plain don't like this person's company so much, and you're generally irritated by him. That's the way the cookie crumbles, I guess? People have different conversational styles and want different things out of leisure time.
Take up an activity you do like, and meet people through that activity.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:37 PM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just change the subject to something you do have an interest in. I've had to do this with friends and if they continue mentioning the subject I'll say something like, "I wish I knew more about [subject] so I would have more to say," which usually causes them to realize they're going on and on about something I can't really contribute to.
posted by biochemist at 8:38 PM on April 1, 2010
posted by biochemist at 8:38 PM on April 1, 2010
I agree with the people who think you should probably be flattered by these things, rather than annoyed.
In terms of how you respond to them, if you're genuinely not interested in the subject at all, then ask open ended questions that will let your friend tell you more things until you hit upon something you are interested in. Example conversations:
"You'd like my friend, she's an archaeology major."
"Oh, really? What's she like?"
"Well, she's an archaeology major like I said, and totally in to fitness and outdoor sports -- we all went surfing in Baja last Spring Break."
"Surfing? I didn't know you surf. I spend every summer in Tofino, it's cold, but totally worth it for the waves."
Conversation about surfing follows.
"You'll like this; it's creative."
"Huh. What can you tell me about the artist?"
"He's very cool. He uses all this ephemera, sort of little bits of civilization, and has all those tiny insignificant glimpses add up to a whole picture of what a place is like. I saw a show of his work last year in New York."
"Oh, man, I miss New York. I used to go there every summer, but I haven't been back in 3 years. Do you go there a lot?"
Conversation about New York follows.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:42 PM on April 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
In terms of how you respond to them, if you're genuinely not interested in the subject at all, then ask open ended questions that will let your friend tell you more things until you hit upon something you are interested in. Example conversations:
"You'd like my friend, she's an archaeology major."
"Oh, really? What's she like?"
"Well, she's an archaeology major like I said, and totally in to fitness and outdoor sports -- we all went surfing in Baja last Spring Break."
"Surfing? I didn't know you surf. I spend every summer in Tofino, it's cold, but totally worth it for the waves."
Conversation about surfing follows.
"You'll like this; it's creative."
"Huh. What can you tell me about the artist?"
"He's very cool. He uses all this ephemera, sort of little bits of civilization, and has all those tiny insignificant glimpses add up to a whole picture of what a place is like. I saw a show of his work last year in New York."
"Oh, man, I miss New York. I used to go there every summer, but I haven't been back in 3 years. Do you go there a lot?"
Conversation about New York follows.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:42 PM on April 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
When what most of us would see as a mere minor annoyance grates on you so much that you must ask an internet message board what to do - look within. It is pretty much a given in psychological circles that sometimes minor traits of others tend to aggravate us because it's often a trait we dislike about ourselves; or is actually something we see as a strength but feel we lack. In this case, it sounds like your friend might be an optimistic individual, happy with the success of his friends, excited about life, and wants to share it with as many people as they can. If the additional facts that go along with the excitement really troubles you, you might seriously consider not how to "move the conversation along," but what it is about the whole thing that bothers you. My guess is that if you were to do this, you would discover it is not at all what you think it is.
posted by Gerard Sorme at 8:45 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Gerard Sorme at 8:45 PM on April 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
If he's to the point of bringing up random topics in hopes of having a conversation (you only describe what he brings), he may be just about done with you.
posted by rhizome at 8:49 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 8:49 PM on April 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
When I'm in a situation like that, I think of conversations as a game that's the opposite of ping pong. You're lobbying the conversational ball back and forth, but the game is to keep that ball in play for as long as possible.
The key here is to find any way to kick it back, even if it's got a weird spin on it, or comes back at a funny angle.
I find if you grope around for the slightest purchase on the topic, often the conversation goes somewhere interesting/funny/entertaining/surprising.
Here's one possible volley. Your responses are in italics. Note that half the responses don't even really make sense - the important thing is that they ARE responses. Something for the other person to lobby back.
The key here is to find any way to kick it back, even if it's got a weird spin on it, or comes back at a funny angle.
I find if you grope around for the slightest purchase on the topic, often the conversation goes somewhere interesting/funny/entertaining/surprising.
Here's one possible volley. Your responses are in italics. Note that half the responses don't even really make sense - the important thing is that they ARE responses. Something for the other person to lobby back.
You'd like my friend! She's an archaeology major.posted by ErikaB at 8:49 PM on April 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
Oh really? Archaeology sounds tough. I mean, you think it's going to be cool when you're a kid, but it turns out it's a lot of kneeling in the dirt with a teeny tiny brush in the desert and it's like 200 degrees out.
Well actually I guess her branch is mostly bookwork.
That's cool. Maybe she can be a teacher like Indiana Jones.
The third Indiana Jones movie was so terrible!
I know, right? Have you seen the South Park episode?
No, I never watch South Park.
Well a lot of the episodes are gross-out humor, but they do some really apt social commentary.
Oh, like Jonathan Coulton?
I love that guy!
Meanwhile, I bet a question to askmefi from your new friend could look something like, “So I made friends with a guy/girl who’s new to the city. I try to relate the things he/she talks about with things that I know about, but then the conversation dies and he/she seems to have no interest. This is starting to grate on me because I feel like I’m putting in the effort and he/she’s not appreciating it. What’s up with him/her? What can I do?”
I’m just trying to point out that even if you don’t care about the details he brings up, it doesn’t mean they’re completely worthless. You can absolutely find a way to work with those details. He may be just a creative thinker and making links that we might normally not think about. For example, “you'd like my friend, she's an archaeology major” could be a way of helping you to meet other people. I’m not sure why you couldn’t see that. It’s not about archeology, it’s about the person that he think you’d click with; the archeology point could just be something that’s interesting about her. He may not be including that detail to interest you, or because he’s interested in archeology; it’s something interesting to her and something to tell you about her.
He's also prone to labelling things; e.g. "you'll like this; it's creative,"
This I understand a little bit more. Feeling like you’re being labeled and as if the person thinks they know you but really doesn’t is annoying; which is probably why “you’d like my archeology friend” is annoying because it feels like you’re being pigeon-holed by him or something. But why not look at it like this: maybe he’s trying to get you interested in meeting other people and doing things in your new city. He may not be going about it in the way that YOU would like, but at least credit him for the effort.
How to respond? How about, “You think I’d like your friend? Ok, why don’t we all meet for coffee and she can tell me about some of her favourite things to do in the city?” (i.e. you can disregard the archeology point.) And for the “you’ll like this, it’s creative,” you can say, “well, tell me a little bit more about it” or “hm, maybe I’ll check it out. In the meantime, do you know of anything that’s related to what I’m interested in?” In other words, steer the conversation away from the things that aren’t relevant to you and get it back to what you want to talk about.
posted by foxjacket at 8:54 PM on April 1, 2010
I’m just trying to point out that even if you don’t care about the details he brings up, it doesn’t mean they’re completely worthless. You can absolutely find a way to work with those details. He may be just a creative thinker and making links that we might normally not think about. For example, “you'd like my friend, she's an archaeology major” could be a way of helping you to meet other people. I’m not sure why you couldn’t see that. It’s not about archeology, it’s about the person that he think you’d click with; the archeology point could just be something that’s interesting about her. He may not be including that detail to interest you, or because he’s interested in archeology; it’s something interesting to her and something to tell you about her.
He's also prone to labelling things; e.g. "you'll like this; it's creative,"
This I understand a little bit more. Feeling like you’re being labeled and as if the person thinks they know you but really doesn’t is annoying; which is probably why “you’d like my archeology friend” is annoying because it feels like you’re being pigeon-holed by him or something. But why not look at it like this: maybe he’s trying to get you interested in meeting other people and doing things in your new city. He may not be going about it in the way that YOU would like, but at least credit him for the effort.
How to respond? How about, “You think I’d like your friend? Ok, why don’t we all meet for coffee and she can tell me about some of her favourite things to do in the city?” (i.e. you can disregard the archeology point.) And for the “you’ll like this, it’s creative,” you can say, “well, tell me a little bit more about it” or “hm, maybe I’ll check it out. In the meantime, do you know of anything that’s related to what I’m interested in?” In other words, steer the conversation away from the things that aren’t relevant to you and get it back to what you want to talk about.
posted by foxjacket at 8:54 PM on April 1, 2010
I also don't understand your annoyance. Step up your game or get out.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 1:31 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by psycho-alchemy at 1:31 AM on April 2, 2010
You are allowed to ask questions about why people say things in conversation, you know!
Him: you'd like my friend, she's an archeology major
You: (smiling) i'd like her because she's an archeology major, or i'd like her and she's an archeology major?
Him: you'd like her and that just happens to be her major
You: oh, i get it now. why do you think i'd like her?
etc.
or
Him: you'll like this; it's creative
You: haha, that's funny you'd say that - i don't think i'm creative at all. do i give off some kind of creative vibe? are you creative? what do you do/make?
etc.
(Also, just because you don't know many people, that doesn't mean you have to hang out with people you don't like. Moving to a new city is a good time to learn to be comfortable alone.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 3:30 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Him: you'd like my friend, she's an archeology major
You: (smiling) i'd like her because she's an archeology major, or i'd like her and she's an archeology major?
Him: you'd like her and that just happens to be her major
You: oh, i get it now. why do you think i'd like her?
etc.
or
Him: you'll like this; it's creative
You: haha, that's funny you'd say that - i don't think i'm creative at all. do i give off some kind of creative vibe? are you creative? what do you do/make?
etc.
(Also, just because you don't know many people, that doesn't mean you have to hang out with people you don't like. Moving to a new city is a good time to learn to be comfortable alone.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 3:30 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not reading it this way at all, but let's just say he's a shitty conversationalist.
That's fine; friends like that can be amusing if you look at them right.
Try to find what this friends says to be quirky and entertaining.
This type of conversation is really only annoying when it's your mom going on in painful detail about things you don't care about (but that's because our moms are supposed to drive us nuts).
It seems kinda cute.
posted by dzaz at 4:13 AM on April 2, 2010
That's fine; friends like that can be amusing if you look at them right.
Try to find what this friends says to be quirky and entertaining.
This type of conversation is really only annoying when it's your mom going on in painful detail about things you don't care about (but that's because our moms are supposed to drive us nuts).
It seems kinda cute.
posted by dzaz at 4:13 AM on April 2, 2010
I understand your annoyance. "You'll like this restaurant, it has pictures of unicorns on the wall". Huh? "Do you want to borrow this DVD, it has this great scene that I think is right up your alley because it has a monkey riding a mechanical bull". WTF? "How about Cleveland? I think you would do well in Cleveland". Double WTF? Trust your instincts. Hang out with people you jive with.
I play Ultimate with a guy that is sort of like your buddy but a bit different. He offers commentary after the opposing team scores that is peppered with references to people's personal lives, the weather, and random shit. It is comical but annoying as hell. "Aw man, we're getting beat up bad. If it wasn't so hot last night, Denny wouldn't have gotten into that fight with Jen, and he may have been able to defend Pete a little better. I wonder what I am gonna have for lunch. Maybe bologna. Hmmm, do I have any?" WTF? Give me the disc!
posted by jasondigitized at 6:26 AM on April 2, 2010
I play Ultimate with a guy that is sort of like your buddy but a bit different. He offers commentary after the opposing team scores that is peppered with references to people's personal lives, the weather, and random shit. It is comical but annoying as hell. "Aw man, we're getting beat up bad. If it wasn't so hot last night, Denny wouldn't have gotten into that fight with Jen, and he may have been able to defend Pete a little better. I wonder what I am gonna have for lunch. Maybe bologna. Hmmm, do I have any?" WTF? Give me the disc!
posted by jasondigitized at 6:26 AM on April 2, 2010
I've gotta say, I totally understand your annoyance. Okay, I'm totally projecting myself into your annoyance. Something like that. My dad used to do something like this, and it drove me up the wall. In that case, what was going on was him feeling like the two of us didn't have a whole lot in common, and he was relying on that, bringing up topics of conversation that he felt might matter to me because they barely did to him. What really reminded me of him, from your question, was the statement "This is (adjective) - you'll like this!". That means, I think you are more (adjective) than I will ever understand, and this is so (adjective) that it made me think of you. In some sense, though the adjective he used was "creative" or "scientific" or whatever, what he really meant was "unfamiliar". This is so unfamiliar it made me think of you.
The kind of conversations people have been sketching out so far worked pretty well for me - mentally identify what he might be meaning, what association/connection he's groping for, and to interpret that in as positive a light as possible, then in conversation (a) show appreciation that he was reaching out to me and (b) redirect his attention towards thing that interested me more. In some sense the frustrating part is that "getting to know you" means instead of asking questions, he's making statements about you, and leaving you to correct them or not. It's just the way he phrases things; as others have said, treat it as a question - "do you know any archaeologists? do you often like people who choose unusual careers? do you like art? do art yourself?"
In short, yes, it's okay to find this annoying. Yes, it would be okay to decide that you and he don't have enough in common and scale back on your interactions with him. I'd say it's also reasonable to look on him as a little slow (or too jump-to-conclusions-fast) in forming a picture of you, and do your remedial best to bring him up to speed.
Or skip it and, as jasondigitized says, hang out with people you jive with. But you're new in town, and he's being nice, if a bit awkward. I could go either way.
posted by aimedwander at 6:53 AM on April 2, 2010
The kind of conversations people have been sketching out so far worked pretty well for me - mentally identify what he might be meaning, what association/connection he's groping for, and to interpret that in as positive a light as possible, then in conversation (a) show appreciation that he was reaching out to me and (b) redirect his attention towards thing that interested me more. In some sense the frustrating part is that "getting to know you" means instead of asking questions, he's making statements about you, and leaving you to correct them or not. It's just the way he phrases things; as others have said, treat it as a question - "do you know any archaeologists? do you often like people who choose unusual careers? do you like art? do art yourself?"
In short, yes, it's okay to find this annoying. Yes, it would be okay to decide that you and he don't have enough in common and scale back on your interactions with him. I'd say it's also reasonable to look on him as a little slow (or too jump-to-conclusions-fast) in forming a picture of you, and do your remedial best to bring him up to speed.
Or skip it and, as jasondigitized says, hang out with people you jive with. But you're new in town, and he's being nice, if a bit awkward. I could go either way.
posted by aimedwander at 6:53 AM on April 2, 2010
There are several reasons your friend may be doing this, so wouldn’t it be helpful to first figure out why? I’ve done this before and used it as an opportunity to gently push the friendship along in a direction that I would like to go.
For example, if someone tells me at five different times “you’d like my friend, she likes archaeology”, I would eventually ask (politely, mixing it into the conversation): Why? Do you think that I like archaeology? Or that I would get along well with your friend?
In some cases, the person will point out that you already told them that you like X and Y for example (lets pretend they are sort of related to archaeology, perhaps history and digging in the dirt). Knowing this may help you: Isn’t it flattering that your friend remembered things that you like? A lot of people don’t do this. You can also use that time to say, “You know, although I love digging in the dirt and I love history, I actually don’t know anything about archaeology. Do you like archaeology? Or does the potential person you want to introduce me to does that person know cool things about history?”
The other thing that you may find out is – your friend is the one that likes archaeology but just assumes that everyone else loves it. That’s great, too. Ask your friend all about archaeology. Does your friend know any sites in the area? Is there a local museum exhibit that has a great archaeology exhibit? Wouldn’t it be fun to go there with your friend and hear about this from them? Okay this is my bubble world, but for me if the other person is really passionate about a topic that I don’t know much about, it can be fun to learn about it from this person – and his or her passion makes it more interesting and accessible.”
This last point is just an aside, but it also sounds like your friend is really trying to do you a favor and introduce you to his friends. View it as a compliment: Your friend is telling you that he sees something of value/ interest to him in you, and he knows someone else who is also interesting and it may be fun. Also view it as an opportunity to make new friends.
posted by Wolfster at 8:09 AM on April 2, 2010
For example, if someone tells me at five different times “you’d like my friend, she likes archaeology”, I would eventually ask (politely, mixing it into the conversation): Why? Do you think that I like archaeology? Or that I would get along well with your friend?
In some cases, the person will point out that you already told them that you like X and Y for example (lets pretend they are sort of related to archaeology, perhaps history and digging in the dirt). Knowing this may help you: Isn’t it flattering that your friend remembered things that you like? A lot of people don’t do this. You can also use that time to say, “You know, although I love digging in the dirt and I love history, I actually don’t know anything about archaeology. Do you like archaeology? Or does the potential person you want to introduce me to does that person know cool things about history?”
The other thing that you may find out is – your friend is the one that likes archaeology but just assumes that everyone else loves it. That’s great, too. Ask your friend all about archaeology. Does your friend know any sites in the area? Is there a local museum exhibit that has a great archaeology exhibit? Wouldn’t it be fun to go there with your friend and hear about this from them? Okay this is my bubble world, but for me if the other person is really passionate about a topic that I don’t know much about, it can be fun to learn about it from this person – and his or her passion makes it more interesting and accessible.”
This last point is just an aside, but it also sounds like your friend is really trying to do you a favor and introduce you to his friends. View it as a compliment: Your friend is telling you that he sees something of value/ interest to him in you, and he knows someone else who is also interesting and it may be fun. Also view it as an opportunity to make new friends.
posted by Wolfster at 8:09 AM on April 2, 2010
If you want to keep hanging out with this person, you might want to follow the first rule of improv: Always go with it. When you're doing improv, you're not allowed to disallow a premise or a situation, you have to work with what you're given no matter how random it is. If your goal is to spend time with someone and meet other people that person knows being open will make that easier and more fun. I loved what ErikaB said about verbal ping pong--my favorite conversations are like that because you really get to know someone which is what it sounds like your friend is doing and seems to be the whole point of hanging out with him.
Also, I agree with the beers thing. It's easier to be more open when beer/liquor is involved.
posted by Kimberly at 8:25 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, I agree with the beers thing. It's easier to be more open when beer/liquor is involved.
posted by Kimberly at 8:25 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I dunno, I really hate when people try to push someone or something on me. I know a guy who is really sweet, but whatever he happens to be into, he's always trying to "sell" it to everyone else and it can get kinda annoying.
Also: OP, are you a very shy person? I have some trouble with social anxiety, and when someone is trying to get me to meet someone my immediate response is usually to feel aggravated with them and think they're being annoying or pushy, when really I'm just afraid to meet someone new and using that as an excuse to avoid the situation.
posted by cottonswab at 8:40 AM on April 2, 2010
Also: OP, are you a very shy person? I have some trouble with social anxiety, and when someone is trying to get me to meet someone my immediate response is usually to feel aggravated with them and think they're being annoying or pushy, when really I'm just afraid to meet someone new and using that as an excuse to avoid the situation.
posted by cottonswab at 8:40 AM on April 2, 2010
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If you're not into archeology, how about asking a question about something you ARE interested in:
"You'd like my friend, she's an archeology major."
"Oh? Does she like [insert thing you actually are interested in here]?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:04 PM on April 1, 2010