Jumping de Fences
February 22, 2010 2:00 PM Subscribe
How do you ask your significant other personal questions without coming off as challenging?
I love my boyfriend very much. We plan on spending the rest of our lives together. I do have some concerns that I believe need to be sorted out.
He was in a relationship with a woman whom he eventually married- but in the end left him 3 months after their wedding, they divorced shortly after. He tried to go to counseling with her but she was a no show at their second session. He took the opportunity to continue on with the counselor for himself. The counselor pointed out to him that he was in an emotionally abusive relationship based on the way she treated him in that first session.
Fast forward to our relationship 2 years later.
We have different religious beliefs. Well, I don't see them as being different- we hold the same values, believe in a higher power, believe in being good to others- but he is Christian- I am not. I don't believe in subscribing to one religion and think there are wonderful things to be learned from all religions. I love learning about theology and mythology. That being said, I ask him a lot of questions about Christianity. I want to understand it and find a common ground. I was raised Christian,but found the message too negative and unforgiving of the way some people chose to live their life. It just never sparked with me. But he believes so whole-heartedly in it that there must be something I have missed in the way I was introduced to it. This is why I ask so many questions. He told me that he feels like I am trying to challenge him- because that is what everyone does to him. They try to belittle his beliefs. I have stated to him exactly what I have written here.
Then there is the issue of sex. I like it. I love to have it with him. He however doesn't initiate it all that often. If I try to, he says he is tired or too stressed out from work. Ok, I drop it. But it does bother me. So I decided to straight up ask him about it. I said "Hey honey? How come we don't have sex more often?" I did this while we were just watching TV. His demeanor immediately changed and he kind of slumped over and went silent. I asked him what has wrong. He said he has dealt with this for years. Apparently it was a common fight between him and his ex. I had no idea that I was opening up an old wound. He said his libido just goes up and down but his ex made him feel like less of a man because of it.
I think communication is extremely important (well I guess who doesn't). I want to be able to talk openly with him about anything and everything. I do not want to have to tip toe around certain issues. However I do want to be sensitive to whatever it is that he has gone through. I feel like he still has some healing to do. I want to support and nurture that healing. I do not want him to feel like I am challenging him when I ask serious questions. I am really just trying to understand his side. His initial responses are defensive I assume because of his past experiences.
He has asked me to be patient with him. I let him know that I think he is absolutely worth being patient with- and I do. But I also want to be realistic here for myself. How do I know if he is just having a knee jerk response based on his past or if this is just part of his personality that he uses external factors to justify?
I love my boyfriend very much. We plan on spending the rest of our lives together. I do have some concerns that I believe need to be sorted out.
He was in a relationship with a woman whom he eventually married- but in the end left him 3 months after their wedding, they divorced shortly after. He tried to go to counseling with her but she was a no show at their second session. He took the opportunity to continue on with the counselor for himself. The counselor pointed out to him that he was in an emotionally abusive relationship based on the way she treated him in that first session.
Fast forward to our relationship 2 years later.
We have different religious beliefs. Well, I don't see them as being different- we hold the same values, believe in a higher power, believe in being good to others- but he is Christian- I am not. I don't believe in subscribing to one religion and think there are wonderful things to be learned from all religions. I love learning about theology and mythology. That being said, I ask him a lot of questions about Christianity. I want to understand it and find a common ground. I was raised Christian,but found the message too negative and unforgiving of the way some people chose to live their life. It just never sparked with me. But he believes so whole-heartedly in it that there must be something I have missed in the way I was introduced to it. This is why I ask so many questions. He told me that he feels like I am trying to challenge him- because that is what everyone does to him. They try to belittle his beliefs. I have stated to him exactly what I have written here.
Then there is the issue of sex. I like it. I love to have it with him. He however doesn't initiate it all that often. If I try to, he says he is tired or too stressed out from work. Ok, I drop it. But it does bother me. So I decided to straight up ask him about it. I said "Hey honey? How come we don't have sex more often?" I did this while we were just watching TV. His demeanor immediately changed and he kind of slumped over and went silent. I asked him what has wrong. He said he has dealt with this for years. Apparently it was a common fight between him and his ex. I had no idea that I was opening up an old wound. He said his libido just goes up and down but his ex made him feel like less of a man because of it.
I think communication is extremely important (well I guess who doesn't). I want to be able to talk openly with him about anything and everything. I do not want to have to tip toe around certain issues. However I do want to be sensitive to whatever it is that he has gone through. I feel like he still has some healing to do. I want to support and nurture that healing. I do not want him to feel like I am challenging him when I ask serious questions. I am really just trying to understand his side. His initial responses are defensive I assume because of his past experiences.
He has asked me to be patient with him. I let him know that I think he is absolutely worth being patient with- and I do. But I also want to be realistic here for myself. How do I know if he is just having a knee jerk response based on his past or if this is just part of his personality that he uses external factors to justify?
You may want to go see a counselor with him because from what you've written here, your attempts at communication sound more or less reasonable. It sounds like he has a hard time being confronted about anything even if you aren't trying to be confrontational and you need to able to talk to him about things to have a good relationship. A counselor can teach you guys how to communicate in ways that are comfortable for you both.
posted by Kimberly at 2:05 PM on February 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Kimberly at 2:05 PM on February 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
I'm not sure exactly what you're asking here, but if he's a Christian he may be dealing with some guilt issues that are hard to communicate to you, when it comes to the matter of sex outside of wedlock. Pure speculation here but this sort of thing is fairly common. It's possible he's trying to cover up his own internal conflict. If that's the case, therapy might help, or "simply" getting married (though I suppose he's probably pretty hesitant to get into that situation again, and you didn't mention your stance on the issue).
Even if it's not the case, I still recommend therapy or a counselor. Maybe the counselor he's already seen and is comfortable with. It sounds like he was very receptive to that a couple years ago, and it helped him... so why not resume it, with you?
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 2:10 PM on February 22, 2010
Even if it's not the case, I still recommend therapy or a counselor. Maybe the counselor he's already seen and is comfortable with. It sounds like he was very receptive to that a couple years ago, and it helped him... so why not resume it, with you?
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 2:10 PM on February 22, 2010
I haven't been on ask. for that long, but what is the deal with everyone always suggesting counseling? Two sane rational human beings can sort it out themselves.
Tell him that you love him.
Ask if you can talk about sensitive stuff because "You want to be able to talk about anything" with him. If he is unable to have these conversations, and that is a dealbreaker. You might need to move on.
Don't forget to ask if he has any sensitive things he wants to bring up.
posted by lakerk at 2:13 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Tell him that you love him.
Ask if you can talk about sensitive stuff because "You want to be able to talk about anything" with him. If he is unable to have these conversations, and that is a dealbreaker. You might need to move on.
Don't forget to ask if he has any sensitive things he wants to bring up.
posted by lakerk at 2:13 PM on February 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: nadawi- That is almost verbatim what I said to him after the sex talk! He responded with just the request that I be patient and apologized for coming off as defensive.
Kimberly- I was thinking of the exact same thing! He already said he would like to go through some pre-marital counseling and I said I would be happy to. Maybe we should just move it up to pre-pre-marital counseling.
The Winsome Parker Lewis- He has already discussed getting married with me- I am just waiting for the proposal. I do however feel that these issues are important to deal with ahead of time.
posted by MayNicholas at 2:14 PM on February 22, 2010
Kimberly- I was thinking of the exact same thing! He already said he would like to go through some pre-marital counseling and I said I would be happy to. Maybe we should just move it up to pre-pre-marital counseling.
The Winsome Parker Lewis- He has already discussed getting married with me- I am just waiting for the proposal. I do however feel that these issues are important to deal with ahead of time.
posted by MayNicholas at 2:14 PM on February 22, 2010
To go with a somewhat different answer on the sex front, it's possible that he has a very low sex drive or even that he is asexual and never desires sex and doesn't really enjoy it the way most people do. I don't know, however, how to bring that up in conversation in a nonconfrontational manner. It's possible that if you are going to be with him, you guys will just never have sex as much as you want.
posted by distracts at 2:25 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by distracts at 2:25 PM on February 22, 2010
Yeah, the fastest solution would be to just bump it up to counseling. That is one of the core skills of a counselor, creating a comfortable space for discussing uncomfortable issues.
This "just be patient" thing isn't something I see working. / presumptuous internet stranger
Nice he apologized for the defensiveness, though.
posted by salvia at 2:27 PM on February 22, 2010
This "just be patient" thing isn't something I see working. / presumptuous internet stranger
Nice he apologized for the defensiveness, though.
posted by salvia at 2:27 PM on February 22, 2010
So I decided to straight up ask him about it. I said "Hey honey? How come we don't have sex more often?" I did this while we were just watching TV.
That would have thrown me for a loop had my SO done that to me. In fact, my (now) ex did ask me this question one morning while we were walking to the coffee shop. Hardly the time or the place. I'd be a little more careful about bringing something like this up just spontaneously. I'd make sure he knows first that you have something important to you that you want to talk about. Don't spring a question like this during commercial breaks.
posted by King Bee at 2:46 PM on February 22, 2010
That would have thrown me for a loop had my SO done that to me. In fact, my (now) ex did ask me this question one morning while we were walking to the coffee shop. Hardly the time or the place. I'd be a little more careful about bringing something like this up just spontaneously. I'd make sure he knows first that you have something important to you that you want to talk about. Don't spring a question like this during commercial breaks.
posted by King Bee at 2:46 PM on February 22, 2010
I think this is yet another problem coming from poor communication skills or avoidance of communication. It sounds like he avoids topics that make him feel uncomfortable by making you feel guilty for bringing them up. Then you will just have to stay zipped and he will never have to deal with something.
I don't think this is fair to do. It's kind of manipulative, even if he doesn't mean to be. I agree that counseling is a really good idea.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:51 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't think this is fair to do. It's kind of manipulative, even if he doesn't mean to be. I agree that counseling is a really good idea.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:51 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: King Bee- point taken. I just figured it would be easier doing it in a non-confrontational way in a comfortable environment so he didn't feel like I was trying to make it in to a big deal.
posted by MayNicholas at 2:52 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by MayNicholas at 2:52 PM on February 22, 2010
Response by poster: Ashley- That is exactly the type of situation I don't want this to get turned into- where he makes me feel guilty for bringing things up. I have already dated a guy like that-which is why I feel like I am doing my best to walk the fine line of being supportive, nurturing & trusting and keeping an eye out for manipulative behavior problems.
posted by MayNicholas at 2:57 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by MayNicholas at 2:57 PM on February 22, 2010
Discounting the possibility that you are asking your questions about Christianity in a particularly challenging or obnoxious way, your SO's response has probably got way more to do with his thinking than with your asking. If you must persist in pursuing your curiosity via discussion with him, then you'll need to figure out why he's so defensive about it.
A quick side note here: There's the common trope that couples should be able to talk about anything. But it would better stated that couples should be able to talk about anything they NEED to talk about. Finances, sex, child-rearing, health issues; all things you pretty much NEED to talk about in a relationship. Your religion or your partner's religion; might be nice to talk about, sure... but if someone isn't comfortable and the issue isn't an obvious factor in the relationship then the other person should have a pretty good reason for bringing it up. So ask yourself: Is his religion a factor in your relationship? Is your curiosity worth his discomfort?)
Maybe your SO is genuinely just adjusted toward getting flack for his religion, but a person with any sense shouldn't be correlating his sweetie's curiosity with an attack from some sanctimonious atheist or whatever. So maybe there's another reason he doesn't like discussing the matter with you. Maybe he feels that his religion is a rift between of you some sort; perhaps he's afraid that your relationship will not succeed if you don't embrace his religion, or that you and he will face different ultimates fates and he hates the idea. If he's feeling these things but doesn't want to discuss them, he could resent having the topic broached at all.
If he really is feeling challenged, perhaps he's having a so-called crisis of faith. He might be dealing with frustration from an intellectual or emotional struggle with his faith that he can't disassociate from idle conversation.
At any rate, you can always try adjusting the phrasing of your questions. Try questions in the form of "What's the significance of X?" or "How did X come pass?" rather than those like "I don't understand why X happens?" or "Why do people think X?". Also, try to make sure you aren't generally dismissive or condescending towards religion in general when he's around. I know you profess to have an encompassing attitude toward the matter, but if he thinks you're generally irreverent or even disrespectful (by his standards, of course) of the big ideas or the nuts & bolts of religions, he may assume your curiosity is just prelude to a dissection.
posted by chudmonkey at 3:03 PM on February 22, 2010
A quick side note here: There's the common trope that couples should be able to talk about anything. But it would better stated that couples should be able to talk about anything they NEED to talk about. Finances, sex, child-rearing, health issues; all things you pretty much NEED to talk about in a relationship. Your religion or your partner's religion; might be nice to talk about, sure... but if someone isn't comfortable and the issue isn't an obvious factor in the relationship then the other person should have a pretty good reason for bringing it up. So ask yourself: Is his religion a factor in your relationship? Is your curiosity worth his discomfort?)
Maybe your SO is genuinely just adjusted toward getting flack for his religion, but a person with any sense shouldn't be correlating his sweetie's curiosity with an attack from some sanctimonious atheist or whatever. So maybe there's another reason he doesn't like discussing the matter with you. Maybe he feels that his religion is a rift between of you some sort; perhaps he's afraid that your relationship will not succeed if you don't embrace his religion, or that you and he will face different ultimates fates and he hates the idea. If he's feeling these things but doesn't want to discuss them, he could resent having the topic broached at all.
If he really is feeling challenged, perhaps he's having a so-called crisis of faith. He might be dealing with frustration from an intellectual or emotional struggle with his faith that he can't disassociate from idle conversation.
At any rate, you can always try adjusting the phrasing of your questions. Try questions in the form of "What's the significance of X?" or "How did X come pass?" rather than those like "I don't understand why X happens?" or "Why do people think X?". Also, try to make sure you aren't generally dismissive or condescending towards religion in general when he's around. I know you profess to have an encompassing attitude toward the matter, but if he thinks you're generally irreverent or even disrespectful (by his standards, of course) of the big ideas or the nuts & bolts of religions, he may assume your curiosity is just prelude to a dissection.
posted by chudmonkey at 3:03 PM on February 22, 2010
Response by poster: chudmonkey- that was a very thoughtful response. Thank you. I am not sure of his reasoning. I do try my best to phrase my questions the best I can, but I am sure I am not always spot on. Religion is a factor in our relationship. He is a strong believer in is faith- tries conscientiously to live by it every day and prays every night. I am a strong believer in my spirituality. I try to see the Gods in everything around me everyday- whether they be in plants, animals, or humans. I try to do right by them. We are both strong believers in our different faiths- they are very much a part of our everyday life. I would ultimately like for us to discuss our spiritual struggles with one another- each understanding and respecting the other's faith.
posted by MayNicholas at 3:15 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by MayNicholas at 3:15 PM on February 22, 2010
MayNicholas, I can easily understand that spirituality is a factor of your relationship, if for no other reason than your passionate need for the discussion you describe to be part of it.
Suffice it to say that I'm closer to you in attitude than your SO on the religion front and, like you, I'm always up for a chat about faith or spirituality or their many delightful alternatives. But based on my experiences and many, many discussions I've had with religious folk over the years, I want to make sure you understand that even though your personal attitude is arguably gracious and tolerant and generally pleasant it is still fundamentally incompatible with that of a devout Christian.
Christians don't focus on the innate value of spirituality. They focus on the GOD who is REAL and therefore has REAL, ACTUAL expectations, demands, rewards and punishments all laid out for humanity. They don't "worship" the little gods who make the streams gurgle and the pizza taste delicious. They WORSHIP an actual GOD and his ACTUAL SON JESUS. Devout Christians don't specifically subscribe to fairness, equality, justice and peace for all the creatures of this universe. Devout Christians have THE BIBLE, a specific set of specific scriptures which dictate what GOD and JESUS are and aren't going to put up with, thank you very much. And when a Devout Christian dies, he goes to HEAVEN. When his spouse - a very nice spiritual person who was wonderful and kind but not a Devout Christian - dies she goes to HELL.
At the end of the day, if your SO is a devout Christian and you are not, then as far as he's concerned, he's going to heaven and you're stuck somewhere else. That is a major incompatibility in a relationship for anyone who believes in it. So that is probably the can of worms you are opening when you have some idle question about Christianity for him.
Bottom line: your approach to spirituality could be a condemnation of his beliefs even if you don't feel that way or express yourself that way. He believes the universe works in a specific way, particularly when it comes to the BIG EVENTS. He thinks he needs to behave a certain way to avoid a terrible fate after death. Anything and everything you do that is contrary to his beliefs is, in it's way, a refutation. A Devout Christian doesn't believe that his approach is one of several acceptable choices, he thinks its the one, true path. So if you don't think his worldview applies to you, how could you really, honestly think it applies to him?
If I were you, I'd push to have this conversation with my SO. You should find a way to get him to really tell you how he feels about the differences in your spirituality.
posted by chudmonkey at 3:48 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
Suffice it to say that I'm closer to you in attitude than your SO on the religion front and, like you, I'm always up for a chat about faith or spirituality or their many delightful alternatives. But based on my experiences and many, many discussions I've had with religious folk over the years, I want to make sure you understand that even though your personal attitude is arguably gracious and tolerant and generally pleasant it is still fundamentally incompatible with that of a devout Christian.
Christians don't focus on the innate value of spirituality. They focus on the GOD who is REAL and therefore has REAL, ACTUAL expectations, demands, rewards and punishments all laid out for humanity. They don't "worship" the little gods who make the streams gurgle and the pizza taste delicious. They WORSHIP an actual GOD and his ACTUAL SON JESUS. Devout Christians don't specifically subscribe to fairness, equality, justice and peace for all the creatures of this universe. Devout Christians have THE BIBLE, a specific set of specific scriptures which dictate what GOD and JESUS are and aren't going to put up with, thank you very much. And when a Devout Christian dies, he goes to HEAVEN. When his spouse - a very nice spiritual person who was wonderful and kind but not a Devout Christian - dies she goes to HELL.
At the end of the day, if your SO is a devout Christian and you are not, then as far as he's concerned, he's going to heaven and you're stuck somewhere else. That is a major incompatibility in a relationship for anyone who believes in it. So that is probably the can of worms you are opening when you have some idle question about Christianity for him.
Bottom line: your approach to spirituality could be a condemnation of his beliefs even if you don't feel that way or express yourself that way. He believes the universe works in a specific way, particularly when it comes to the BIG EVENTS. He thinks he needs to behave a certain way to avoid a terrible fate after death. Anything and everything you do that is contrary to his beliefs is, in it's way, a refutation. A Devout Christian doesn't believe that his approach is one of several acceptable choices, he thinks its the one, true path. So if you don't think his worldview applies to you, how could you really, honestly think it applies to him?
If I were you, I'd push to have this conversation with my SO. You should find a way to get him to really tell you how he feels about the differences in your spirituality.
posted by chudmonkey at 3:48 PM on February 22, 2010 [3 favorites]
"Christians don't focus on the innate value of spirituality. They focus on the GOD who is REAL and therefore has REAL, ACTUAL expectations, demands, rewards and punishments all laid out for humanity. They don't "worship" the little gods who make the streams gurgle and the pizza taste delicious. They WORSHIP an actual GOD and his ACTUAL SON JESUS. Devout Christians don't specifically subscribe to fairness, equality, justice and peace for all the creatures of this universe. Devout Christians have THE BIBLE, a specific set of specific scriptures which dictate what GOD and JESUS are and aren't going to put up with, thank you very much. And when a Devout Christian dies, he goes to HEAVEN. When his spouse - a very nice spiritual person who was wonderful and kind but not a Devout Christian - dies she goes to HELL.
At the end of the day, if your SO is a devout Christian and you are not, then as far as he's concerned, he's going to heaven and you're stuck somewhere else. That is a major incompatibility in a relationship for anyone who believes in it. So that is probably the can of worms you are opening when you have some idle question about Christianity for him."
You have no idea what your talking about. This is a rant . Completely untrue. Christians can be spiritual. Christians don't believe everyone who doesn't believe go to hell.
posted by lakerk at 4:50 PM on February 22, 2010
At the end of the day, if your SO is a devout Christian and you are not, then as far as he's concerned, he's going to heaven and you're stuck somewhere else. That is a major incompatibility in a relationship for anyone who believes in it. So that is probably the can of worms you are opening when you have some idle question about Christianity for him."
You have no idea what your talking about. This is a rant . Completely untrue. Christians can be spiritual. Christians don't believe everyone who doesn't believe go to hell.
posted by lakerk at 4:50 PM on February 22, 2010
I'm not sure chudmonkey intends for it to be read this way, but his response gives (in my opinion) reason for your boyfriend's reluctance to discuss religion in detail and over multiple conversations. Chudmonkey probably really believes what he wrote, and can point to many people who exemplify his statements -- and yet, what he says is not true of all Christians.
I'm a Christian. I believe in fairness, equality, etc. I do not believe in the existence of hell for Christians or non-Christians. I believe there are many paths to a good life. I don't believe that there is one, true path.
If your questions to him in any way mirror chudmonkey, then that may be the problem -- and I mean even a whiff of it, because the Christians who don't subscribe to what chudmonkey has seen get pretty tired of being painted with that broad brush.
And also in fairness to your boyfriend, some people take it pretty hard when it's stated that their partner isn't getting enough sex. I think he's guiding you down the right path -- be patient, and let parts of his personality unfold on its own without probing to get to the bottom of them right away. Sometimes, it can even be wonderful to take your time to get to know someone's most intimate thoughts.
posted by Houstonian at 6:19 PM on February 22, 2010
I'm a Christian. I believe in fairness, equality, etc. I do not believe in the existence of hell for Christians or non-Christians. I believe there are many paths to a good life. I don't believe that there is one, true path.
If your questions to him in any way mirror chudmonkey, then that may be the problem -- and I mean even a whiff of it, because the Christians who don't subscribe to what chudmonkey has seen get pretty tired of being painted with that broad brush.
And also in fairness to your boyfriend, some people take it pretty hard when it's stated that their partner isn't getting enough sex. I think he's guiding you down the right path -- be patient, and let parts of his personality unfold on its own without probing to get to the bottom of them right away. Sometimes, it can even be wonderful to take your time to get to know someone's most intimate thoughts.
posted by Houstonian at 6:19 PM on February 22, 2010
I did not, in fact, intend to portray the community of Christians at large with my comments above. I was outlining the common beliefs of the traditional devout Christian by way of emphasizing the struggles an adherant of a specific faith can encounter when dealing with people who don't share their specific beliefs. It's not a brush I care to paint anyone with, but some Christians are that extreme
in their Bible-derived beliefs and I didn't see any value in using a midling believer as an example of my worst-case scenario.
At any rate, any comments I made about Christians were to illustrate my point that our dear questioner needs to get a better bead on her SO's beliefs and feelings - not to presume those beliefs or feelings.
Sorry if I mishandled it, everyone.
posted by chudmonkey at 6:37 PM on February 22, 2010
in their Bible-derived beliefs and I didn't see any value in using a midling believer as an example of my worst-case scenario.
At any rate, any comments I made about Christians were to illustrate my point that our dear questioner needs to get a better bead on her SO's beliefs and feelings - not to presume those beliefs or feelings.
Sorry if I mishandled it, everyone.
posted by chudmonkey at 6:37 PM on February 22, 2010
My husband's a Christian, I'm not. We have really good conversations about it because he has put a lot of thought into what he believes, and he is willing to challenge himself.
I'm not sure "common ground" is the most productive thing to seek; he is not going to stop believing in Jesus and you may never start. It's not like saying "Well, if you cook, I'll wash dishes" or "you want to go to Italy and I want to go to Spain, so we'll go to France." It's about mutual respect, and for whatever reason, he does not feel as if you are respecting his beliefs. Now, he may be wrong about that, but you need to find out why he feels that way before you can continue indulging your theological curiosity.
Try approaching these topics from a positive angle. "I admire your devotion to living out your faith. It inspires me that you [something that inspires you]. Where do you feel that comes from within you? How did you come to realize you wanted to follow Jesus?" Then just listen. My gut feeling is that you have the tendency to interject "Oh that's exactly like what I feel when I give thanks to the flowers that I pick" (sorry for the lousy example, but you were pretty nonspecific about your own faith). Don't try to compare, don't try to find middle ground, just listen. There's no need to try to create some mental Venn diagram of your belief systems.
And on the other topic: "I just love it when you do X, Y, and Z to me in the bedroom. How about we do some of that tomorrow night?" Or, without mentioning sex, "how can I help you relax and de-stress from your day?" Do not take his lack of interest personally, ever, because that will push him away, but realize that you may just be incompatible in this area.
Best wishes!
posted by desjardins at 7:01 PM on February 22, 2010
I'm not sure "common ground" is the most productive thing to seek; he is not going to stop believing in Jesus and you may never start. It's not like saying "Well, if you cook, I'll wash dishes" or "you want to go to Italy and I want to go to Spain, so we'll go to France." It's about mutual respect, and for whatever reason, he does not feel as if you are respecting his beliefs. Now, he may be wrong about that, but you need to find out why he feels that way before you can continue indulging your theological curiosity.
Try approaching these topics from a positive angle. "I admire your devotion to living out your faith. It inspires me that you [something that inspires you]. Where do you feel that comes from within you? How did you come to realize you wanted to follow Jesus?" Then just listen. My gut feeling is that you have the tendency to interject "Oh that's exactly like what I feel when I give thanks to the flowers that I pick" (sorry for the lousy example, but you were pretty nonspecific about your own faith). Don't try to compare, don't try to find middle ground, just listen. There's no need to try to create some mental Venn diagram of your belief systems.
And on the other topic: "I just love it when you do X, Y, and Z to me in the bedroom. How about we do some of that tomorrow night?" Or, without mentioning sex, "how can I help you relax and de-stress from your day?" Do not take his lack of interest personally, ever, because that will push him away, but realize that you may just be incompatible in this area.
Best wishes!
posted by desjardins at 7:01 PM on February 22, 2010
I'm not Christian and even I know that saying "traditional devout Christians" believe [RANT] is incorrect. Why? because despite chudmonkey's constant capitalization of Devout, Devout is not a recognized Christian sect. There's a wide range of behavior and belief among Christians - some sects are more liberal than others, some are more conservative, some are positively fundamentalist.
posted by canine epigram at 8:00 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by canine epigram at 8:00 PM on February 22, 2010
I grew up Christian and I have to defend chudmonkey's characterization of a particular type of "Bible based" Christianity. Although there are many Christians who would feel comfortable with someone with the OP's spiritual beliefs, there are just as many who would have a very potent internal struggle.
It sounds like he is getting defensive regarding questions about his faith. He might already be questioning his faith, and sees your inquiries as more challenges he has to overcome to stay believing.
If he was really of the brand of Christian that chudmonkey described, I would expect that he would be trying to "witness" to you somewhat as it would be in his interest to convert you to accept Jesus into your heart - otherwise it would be hard being in a relationship with someone who is most certainly not going to the same place after death.
Overall I just wanted to mention that to my former Bible believing self, your brand of spirituality would be not be at all compatible with my (former) faith. It's pretty much nature worship, and that makes you a heathen! Not that he thinks that AT ALL. Just giving a perspective.
posted by smartypantz at 8:31 PM on February 22, 2010
It sounds like he is getting defensive regarding questions about his faith. He might already be questioning his faith, and sees your inquiries as more challenges he has to overcome to stay believing.
If he was really of the brand of Christian that chudmonkey described, I would expect that he would be trying to "witness" to you somewhat as it would be in his interest to convert you to accept Jesus into your heart - otherwise it would be hard being in a relationship with someone who is most certainly not going to the same place after death.
Overall I just wanted to mention that to my former Bible believing self, your brand of spirituality would be not be at all compatible with my (former) faith. It's pretty much nature worship, and that makes you a heathen! Not that he thinks that AT ALL. Just giving a perspective.
posted by smartypantz at 8:31 PM on February 22, 2010
In the way you describe your interactions, there is a lot of passive aggressive behavior on the part of your partner. You push, and he avoids and/or manipulates. I would submit that regardless of the topic you have some serious communication and relationship issues to work through and working with a pre-marital counselor e.g., pastor, priest or rabbi is a great way to approach it - they are focused on helping people prepare for the long term and will guide you through a series of discussions designed to address the hard questions: money, children, and living together.
posted by zia at 12:13 PM on February 24, 2010
posted by zia at 12:13 PM on February 24, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
only he can really answer this question for you.
posted by nadawi at 2:05 PM on February 22, 2010 [7 favorites]