"My parents are (not really) dead to me"

February 21, 2010 6:02 AM

How do I explain to my son about why I am estranged from my mom and dad (his maternal grandparents)?

I have been estranged from my mom and dad for almost a decade now. This question is SUPER premature, since my son is only 6 months old, but one day he will figure out that I have a mom and dad too and they are likely not going to be in the picture.

If it's relevant, the estrangement is not due to classic abuse issues (physical, sexual). It is more garden variety toxic ... I consistently received the silent treatment from my mother for failure to do as my she said (i.e. I was forbidden to visit at Thanksgiving because she wanted me to visit a Christmas instead and she didn't speak to me for 3 years after that "transgression"). My dad eventually followed suit. I eventually gave up trying to bridge the silences and here I am a decade later.

I am not sure they know about my son. My sister knows, but in order for us to keep the peace between us, we do not discuss our parents. So I don't know if she passed this infomation along to my parents. That said, it would not surprise me in the least that they would still not reach out to me even though they have a new grandbaby...they are ultimate grudge-holders.

I am okay not having a relationship with them. Yes, in a perfect world I woud love to have even a decent relationship with them, but I have long ago accepted that this is not my lot in life. I also do not believe that my son will be worse off for not having known them.

But one day he will ask about them. I would be okay telling an adult child the truth, but what do you tell a young kid? Lying (i.e. saying that they are dead or something) seems like the wrong way to go, but what do you say?

posted by murrey to Human Relations (11 answers total)

"Not every family is loving and warm like ours. Aren't we lucky?"
posted by headnsouth at 6:11 AM on February 21, 2010 [5 favorites]

I have a similar situation to yours. I'm crying on the bus because I try really hard not to face this question, but I suppose my answer is to address the issue before he becomes conscious of the disparity.

In my life, I think that means substitute grandparents, and lots of them, coupled with a narrative about choice, and as I often say here on the green, 'agency.'

Teach your son early that safety and comfort are priorities, and that it's ok to seek out comfortable situations, while avoiding consistently hurtful people.

This will help your son avoid bullying, sexual harassment, and will help prevent him from casting himself as a victim.

Help him appreciate that he has choices, and he will eventually understand the tough decisions you have made.

(I'm not a therapist, I've been in therapy. This is my plan, but it may be revised when I am lucky enough to procreate)

Please me-mail me if you want to talk about this anytime. And here's a big hug for you, while I'm feeling schmoopy.
posted by bilabial at 6:34 AM on February 21, 2010 [7 favorites]

Do you have a picture? For a very young child, simply showing them a picture and saying, "yes, this is them" may be enough. Kids can roll with a lot - my paternal grandfather was in the Pacific Theater during World War II, and wasn't around during the first 2 years of my father's life, but they kept a picture of him around, and whenever they asked him about his daddy he'd run and get the picture.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:37 AM on February 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

I am not a parent so will keep this very brief, but maybe someone who is would be able to confirm my hunch that kids are basically amazing at accepting whatever the situation is as whatever the situation is: their grandparents on your side of the family are just people they don't happen to know.

Anyway, it's definitely worth considering that this could prove to be much more of an issue for you than it ever will be for your son.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 7:15 AM on February 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

What Bilabial said. "Sometimes families have a hard time getting along with each other, and unfortunately that's how it is with me and my parents. It makes me sad, but that's the way it is. I'm glad Aunt Debbie is part of our lives, and she and you and Daddy are my family, and I feel so lucky to have you all." Add in the piece about choosing to NOT be in situations that make you uncomfortable when he gets to the right age. That is great stuff.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:15 AM on February 21, 2010 [2 favorites]

Yes, seconding EmpressCallipygos's suggestion of a picture. Young children will probably associate the picture with the grandparents in a very literal fashion until they are old enough to understand that careful conversation you will eventually be having with them.

And I do mean literally associate the picture with the grandparents. To wit, my wife did volunteer work with children at a military base. While playing word games with toddlers to reinforce language development, she has a pile of toys, and little models, including several dolls that represent mother, father, sister, brother, grandpa, grandma, etc. Like I wrote-- military daycare, and some of the parents have made multiple deployments overseas. In playing the word game, Mrs. Seasparrow will ask "Car?" and the child will point at the car. "House?" Point at the house, no problem. "Baby?", sure, that's easy. "Mommy?" Okay, the kid points at the female doll. But when she asks "Daddy?" the children look confused (remember they are like 2-4 years old), searching among the items. Not finding what they want in the pile on the floor, even though the male doll is right there. "Daddy?" she asks again. The child looks up from the pile, scanning the room. "Show me the Daddy?" she tells the child for the third time. A look of victory, the little tyke has found it! Triumphantly the child points-- to the wall, at the telephone.

This has happened to her three separate times.
posted by seasparrow at 7:25 AM on February 21, 2010 [20 favorites]

My paternal grandparents were never ever in the picture. I think the question came up maybe once- but having the maternal set, it took many years before I realized other people had more than one set. By the time I did, it was very easy for my parents to explain why they weren't around.
posted by Zophi at 7:45 AM on February 21, 2010

When your child is small, he'll just take it for granted. We're estranged from our children's paternal grandfather, and my 3-year-old has never really asked about it, even when seeing him in wedding pictures. (Well, when he was 2, he did ask his paternal grandmother, "Do you have a man?" which was pretty hilarious.)

I'm not really sure why you'd want to show him pictures of his grandparents specifically. Wouldn't that just confuse him, like he's supposed to be forming a bond with them?

When your child is more like 12 and older, he may have more questions and -- like all teenagers -- be more skeptical of things he's told generally, and about this in particular. You might let him write a letter, if he wants, but at that point your main task would be to prepare him for disappointment -- either that they won't write back, or that he'll start a relationship with them only to find that they're not very nice people. To stave off that disappointment, I'd go ahead and tell him that they're, well, not nice people.

Finally, not that I'm wishing for anything to happen to your mom, but it sounds like she's directing this, and it may be that one day, you and your son will be able to have a relationship with your dad, if you can forgive him for not standing up for you. She sounds like a bully, so it's kind of understandable that he'd be afraid of her.
posted by palliser at 8:29 AM on February 21, 2010

Develop a new family of people who are warm and loving. I've been an honorary auntie to several kids . I think it's great for kids to have a variety of loving adults in their lives who can teach them different things, and who give them individual attention. You teach your kids that their biological grandparents aren't a big part of their lives, but other people have chosen to be in their lives. You also teach them to respect their grandparents.
posted by theora55 at 9:30 AM on February 21, 2010

My parents moved a 5-hour flight away from their families in the 1960s and my sister and I very rarely saw any family other than my parents. Until I was in my 20s I didn't realize that my paternal grandmother loathed and resented my mother, and that was the reason for that physical distance. There was some relationship there between she and I, but I only ever saw any of my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins maybe once every 5-6 years (or far, far longer, 10-15 years at a stretch). I never thought this was strange at all. Now that my sister has three kids of her own I see how close grandparents can be to their grandkids; they babysit 3 or 4 times a week. Kids generally seem to accept the status quo pretty easily.

My sisters kids spend a lot less time with their paternal grandmother than with their maternal grandmother, but have never said anything about that. Their paternal grandfather is entirely out of the picture for reasons similiar to yours, and the kids have never once asked about it. The eldest will be 8 in a couple of months. He's even met his paternal grandfather a couple of times, but has shown no interest in him whatsoever.

If the question comes up eventually, maybe you could say something like, "they're very far away and we don't understand each other very well."

I imagine that the idea that parents would turn their backs on their children would be a shattering, shocking idea to most kids. But I'm not sure they entirely understand the parent-child relationship between adults, so maybe it's not as upsetting as I imagine. I'm not sure kids really understand that their parents were kids once too; their parents are the sort of the ultimate adults, unable to be abandoned children. Perhaps they're too young to relate on that level. Probably for the best, if that's true.

Your experience absolutely breaks my heart. I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. Life is way too short for grudge-holding, pettiness, and cruelty. I hope your folks get over themselves.
posted by Hildegarde at 10:01 AM on February 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

I vote for don't dwell on it at a young age: what I am very vividly imagining is having this incredibly careful, circumspect conversation with my five year old boy and him immediately fixating on the idea that somehow he might have some sort of fight or falling out or disagreement or misunderstanding with me and mommy and consequently not get to see us anymore. I say wait until he asks about it, then answer with nondescript, non-explanatory replies (they don't live near us, I don't really see them very much) until he asks about that, and then give the basic facts. As others have said it will be a long time before it makes any difference to him.
posted by nanojath at 8:58 PM on February 21, 2010