Do I have to invite my father to the wedding?
December 18, 2009 6:21 AM Subscribe
Should I invite my estranged father to my wedding?
I recently became engaged to a wonderful woman, and we are planning our wedding. I am torn about whether I should invite my father to the wedding. Before you say, "of course you should, he's your father" let me explain.
I was always very close to my father, growing up; I was the oldest of five, and his clear favorite in ways that made me feel uncomfortable and a little guilty. Six years ago, my father confided in me that he was having an affair. He asked me to keep it quiet from my mother, who was then his wife, and from my siblings. After considering the position he had put me in, I told him that keeping this secret put me on his side, and that I could not take his side in an affair like this. I told him that he had to come clean about it to my mother or I would have to tell her my, for the sake of my own conscience. After that conversation, our relationship turned very ugly. I saw a side of my father that I had never seen before: manipulative, deceitful, selfish, and cruel.
I was between jobs at the time, so I found work in another time zone and moved away, in part to put distance between myself and this situation. Soon after I left, he divorced my mother. Two of my sisters have not spoken to him since; the other is coolly cordial; my brother is in the armed services, and does his best to avoid this side of the country entirely. It is all very painful and fraught with avoidance.
Over the years, I have tried to re-establish my relationship with my father on several occasions, but invariably I am disappointed by our encounters. I am very hurt and angry, and we can make cordial small-talk but that is about it. I feel that he has violated my trust, and I don't think we can have a relationship until he earns it back. I am willing to consider him earning it back, and indeed I would like him to do so. He does not believe that he has hurt me, or is unwilling to do anything to show that he is sorry for having done so. Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards.
Having made a number of unsuccessful attempts to get him to even acknowledge the betrayal I feel, I consider us to be estranged, with occasional, brief contact. I certainly want to remain open to the possibility of reconciliation, but I do not hold out much hope for it.
In the circumstances, the wedding is a sort of crisis, in that if I do not invite him, that has implications which I do not want to make ("you are dead to me") but if I do invite him, that too has implications ("you are a part of my life"). Further, I feel like his presence will cast a pallor over my mother, my sisters, my brother, and my maternal grandfather. It will certainly dim my own mood. My fiancee has never met my father, and she would rather he did not attend because it will spoil the mood of the day and bring up old wounds for my family, who have been very good to her.
I don't want him at my wedding, but I don't want to foreclose an eventual reconciliation either. One thing I am very proud of about the past six years is that I have not said anything to him that cannot be unsaid. No matter how hurt I was, I haven't burned the bridge. In order to do that, I have sometimes had to be silent -- for years at a time -- instead. With the wedding, I cannot fail to say something, one way or another. What am I supposed to do?
I recently became engaged to a wonderful woman, and we are planning our wedding. I am torn about whether I should invite my father to the wedding. Before you say, "of course you should, he's your father" let me explain.
I was always very close to my father, growing up; I was the oldest of five, and his clear favorite in ways that made me feel uncomfortable and a little guilty. Six years ago, my father confided in me that he was having an affair. He asked me to keep it quiet from my mother, who was then his wife, and from my siblings. After considering the position he had put me in, I told him that keeping this secret put me on his side, and that I could not take his side in an affair like this. I told him that he had to come clean about it to my mother or I would have to tell her my, for the sake of my own conscience. After that conversation, our relationship turned very ugly. I saw a side of my father that I had never seen before: manipulative, deceitful, selfish, and cruel.
I was between jobs at the time, so I found work in another time zone and moved away, in part to put distance between myself and this situation. Soon after I left, he divorced my mother. Two of my sisters have not spoken to him since; the other is coolly cordial; my brother is in the armed services, and does his best to avoid this side of the country entirely. It is all very painful and fraught with avoidance.
Over the years, I have tried to re-establish my relationship with my father on several occasions, but invariably I am disappointed by our encounters. I am very hurt and angry, and we can make cordial small-talk but that is about it. I feel that he has violated my trust, and I don't think we can have a relationship until he earns it back. I am willing to consider him earning it back, and indeed I would like him to do so. He does not believe that he has hurt me, or is unwilling to do anything to show that he is sorry for having done so. Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards.
Having made a number of unsuccessful attempts to get him to even acknowledge the betrayal I feel, I consider us to be estranged, with occasional, brief contact. I certainly want to remain open to the possibility of reconciliation, but I do not hold out much hope for it.
In the circumstances, the wedding is a sort of crisis, in that if I do not invite him, that has implications which I do not want to make ("you are dead to me") but if I do invite him, that too has implications ("you are a part of my life"). Further, I feel like his presence will cast a pallor over my mother, my sisters, my brother, and my maternal grandfather. It will certainly dim my own mood. My fiancee has never met my father, and she would rather he did not attend because it will spoil the mood of the day and bring up old wounds for my family, who have been very good to her.
I don't want him at my wedding, but I don't want to foreclose an eventual reconciliation either. One thing I am very proud of about the past six years is that I have not said anything to him that cannot be unsaid. No matter how hurt I was, I haven't burned the bridge. In order to do that, I have sometimes had to be silent -- for years at a time -- instead. With the wedding, I cannot fail to say something, one way or another. What am I supposed to do?
Best answer: You could write him a warm letter just after the wedding, not really mentioning the day itself or what it was like, but telling him about your wife and how wonderful she is and how happy you are and how you hope that sometime soon the three of you can get together.
posted by JanetLand at 6:27 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 6:27 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
Don't invite him. You'll make more people miserable than you will happy if you invite him, and for what? A chance that something might sometime possibly happen?
This is supposed to be a day of joy. Surround yourself with joy. You never know- the shock of being uninvited to your wedding could make him come around. (I wouldn't count on it, but you never know.)
posted by headspace at 6:29 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
This is supposed to be a day of joy. Surround yourself with joy. You never know- the shock of being uninvited to your wedding could make him come around. (I wouldn't count on it, but you never know.)
posted by headspace at 6:29 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
Your wedding day is for you and your fiancee. If neither of you want him there, don't invite him.
Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards.
I'm assuming you are going on your honeymoon after the wedding. Do you really want to spend it feeling like this?
posted by Nolechick11 at 6:31 AM on December 18, 2009 [4 favorites]
Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards.
I'm assuming you are going on your honeymoon after the wedding. Do you really want to spend it feeling like this?
posted by Nolechick11 at 6:31 AM on December 18, 2009 [4 favorites]
This is your day. You don't need to invite anyone who will cause you to lose your emotional footing for several days. You don't need to invite anyone who your fiancee does not want there. Tell him you're getting married, and that you're sorry you can't invite him because you don't want to deal with family drama on your special day (I mean, two of your sisters aren't speaking to him, that's going to be a problem right there) but you'd like to get together at some future point so he can meet your wife.
posted by Ruki at 6:31 AM on December 18, 2009
posted by Ruki at 6:31 AM on December 18, 2009
Best answer: I wouldn't invite him, I would tell him why (possibly in a letter), but I would also emphasise that you aren't closing a door on him and you would really like for him to listen to and acknowledge your feelings. Maybe not being invited to his child's wedding will help him understand how deeply you are hurt.
posted by ukdanae at 6:32 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by ukdanae at 6:32 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
I would not invite him. I'm in a similar 'relationship' with my biological father (who is deceitful kind of guy), but I do not want to rekindle anything. I saw him recently at the funeral of his mother and acted cordially. It was a complete mess. He misinterpreted everything I did as an act of forgiveness made several extremely uncomfortable admissions/declarations and I felt that it was in poor form for the event (there were other mourners and this was at the actual viewing). If you want to enjoy a drama free wedding, do not invite him, maybe a celebratory week-after dinner but not the actual wedding.
posted by syntheticfaith at 6:33 AM on December 18, 2009
posted by syntheticfaith at 6:33 AM on December 18, 2009
I don't want him at my wedding, but I don't want to foreclose an eventual reconciliation either.
Not having him at the wedding doesn't mean you can't eventually reconcile. It's not as though skipping the ceremony is going to make things worse than they are.
I'm with everyone else. If you don't want him, don't invite him. Weddings are usually stressful enough with having people there that you already know are going to cause tension.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:40 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Not having him at the wedding doesn't mean you can't eventually reconcile. It's not as though skipping the ceremony is going to make things worse than they are.
I'm with everyone else. If you don't want him, don't invite him. Weddings are usually stressful enough with having people there that you already know are going to cause tension.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:40 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for the good advice. I had basically come to the decision not to invite him already, but I wanted to get people's take on whether not inviting him was the sort of shockingly rude gesture that should only be undertaken as a last resort.
The fact that your answers don't really raise this at all, gives me my answer. My fiancee has already proposed that we offer to meet him for dinner sometime before the wedding, and I think that's what we'll do.
posted by gauche at 6:43 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
The fact that your answers don't really raise this at all, gives me my answer. My fiancee has already proposed that we offer to meet him for dinner sometime before the wedding, and I think that's what we'll do.
posted by gauche at 6:43 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
I like ukdanae's suggestion, but I would probably write the letter to him well before the wedding (if you have time)--tell him that, the way things are now, you cannot invite him, but that you'd like your feelings acknowledged. State plainly what you'd need to be comfortable around him. This gives him the opportunity to reach out and make amends before the wedding. If he doesn't, or if he tries and it fails, you can leave him off your guestlist with a clear conscience.
There's quite a bit of estrangement in my family, and thanks to that and a very limited guestlist, I didn't invite a few relatives, who contacted me afterwards to tell me how much they were hurt by it. In some cases, I do wish I'd contacted them in advance and cleared the air with them, because a happy day was my goal (and, had we hashed things out before hand, that might have been possible with them there), rather than hurt feelings.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:45 AM on December 18, 2009
There's quite a bit of estrangement in my family, and thanks to that and a very limited guestlist, I didn't invite a few relatives, who contacted me afterwards to tell me how much they were hurt by it. In some cases, I do wish I'd contacted them in advance and cleared the air with them, because a happy day was my goal (and, had we hashed things out before hand, that might have been possible with them there), rather than hurt feelings.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:45 AM on December 18, 2009
(Also the after-the-fact hashing out of feelings caused me a lot of guilt and grief--it would have been nice to avoid that, too.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:47 AM on December 18, 2009
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:47 AM on December 18, 2009
He does not believe that he has hurt me, or is unwilling to do anything to show that he is sorry for having done so. Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards. Powerfully said!
You and your new wife and your mom and your siblings don't need this man there to mess up a wonderful day. I don't know the geographical factors involved. If your father lives nearby it might be better to inform him of the wedding after it's happened so that he doesn't show up uninvited.
posted by mareli at 7:06 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
You and your new wife and your mom and your siblings don't need this man there to mess up a wonderful day. I don't know the geographical factors involved. If your father lives nearby it might be better to inform him of the wedding after it's happened so that he doesn't show up uninvited.
posted by mareli at 7:06 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
I didn't invite my father, I don't regret it. It probably hurt him, but there are many reasons why that doesn't matter. He did try to reconcile about two years after we were married, and although it didn't take, not inviting him didn't send the "you are dead to me" message.
My husband also did not invite his father and does not regret it.
No one in our families were shocked - everyone knew what was going on. Our families were more shocked because we only invited nuclear family, and there were a few aunts who were offended. They wouldn't have fit in our living room and they would have had something to say about our lack of clergy and shoes. But you know what? It only took a year or two to work out fine. Family that's worth having will meet you halfway. By only inviting the nukes, we had a great wedding.
I wouldn't even write him a letter. That invites the guilt, or worse, he'll ignore it. You've made several attempts - let him take a turn. He's known your whole life that you'd grow up and get married some day. He had many years to think about whether or not he wanted to be there. Not saying anything also sends a message.
Also, if you haven't, you might as well start thinking now about how much contact you want him to have with any children.
posted by arabelladragon at 7:13 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
My husband also did not invite his father and does not regret it.
No one in our families were shocked - everyone knew what was going on. Our families were more shocked because we only invited nuclear family, and there were a few aunts who were offended. They wouldn't have fit in our living room and they would have had something to say about our lack of clergy and shoes. But you know what? It only took a year or two to work out fine. Family that's worth having will meet you halfway. By only inviting the nukes, we had a great wedding.
I wouldn't even write him a letter. That invites the guilt, or worse, he'll ignore it. You've made several attempts - let him take a turn. He's known your whole life that you'd grow up and get married some day. He had many years to think about whether or not he wanted to be there. Not saying anything also sends a message.
Also, if you haven't, you might as well start thinking now about how much contact you want him to have with any children.
posted by arabelladragon at 7:13 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
I got married this year. My wife is estranged from her father, following his affair and subsequent divorce from her mother. He doesn't appear to feel the need to apologise for his behaviour, which was deceitful during his affair and verged on the downright spiteful when it came to splitting the assets. He is still on good terms with my wife's sister.
My wife was very clear. He wasn't getting an invite. I have long said to her that she should reconsider the estrangement because she might regret it one day. But she wasn't giving, so I didn't push it.
And we had a great wedding. Relaxed, stress free and none the worse for him not being there.
So, two months after our wedding we went to a cousin's wedding at which I meet him for the first time in 16 years. We had a cordial chat, although he treated his own daughter like a passing acquaintance. When he came to leave I was speaking to my wife's sister's fiancé - his future son in law. He gave him a warm handshake, moved slightly and looked and me and promptly turned on his heel.
It made me realise, finally, that there are two sides to the estrangement. My wife has always made efforts to get back in touch, but they've always faltered on the condition that he does some of the running and he explains why he did what he did.
So, in a nutshell, don't fret about it. Emotions towards family members can be a bit complex, but at base your wedding should be the people you want to celebrate your union with. He's not one of them. No biggie, under the circumstances.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:23 AM on December 18, 2009
My wife was very clear. He wasn't getting an invite. I have long said to her that she should reconsider the estrangement because she might regret it one day. But she wasn't giving, so I didn't push it.
And we had a great wedding. Relaxed, stress free and none the worse for him not being there.
So, two months after our wedding we went to a cousin's wedding at which I meet him for the first time in 16 years. We had a cordial chat, although he treated his own daughter like a passing acquaintance. When he came to leave I was speaking to my wife's sister's fiancé - his future son in law. He gave him a warm handshake, moved slightly and looked and me and promptly turned on his heel.
It made me realise, finally, that there are two sides to the estrangement. My wife has always made efforts to get back in touch, but they've always faltered on the condition that he does some of the running and he explains why he did what he did.
So, in a nutshell, don't fret about it. Emotions towards family members can be a bit complex, but at base your wedding should be the people you want to celebrate your union with. He's not one of them. No biggie, under the circumstances.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:23 AM on December 18, 2009
You've made good-faith attempts to open a dialogue about the hurt he has caused you. You say they've been rebuffed. Is there really a need to make a hail-mary pass out of your wedding? If he is upset afterward, tell him that he could have worked to heal the relationship beforehand, and that you are still open to that possibility.
posted by chrillsicka at 7:25 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by chrillsicka at 7:25 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
Dissenting voice here. Since you're even asking the question, you seem to have some feeling about not excluding him from this part of your life. Err on the side of caution and familial harmony. If you decide afterward it was the wrong choice, you'll get over that a lot quicker than if you didn't invite him but later decide you should have. And when you do eventually repair your relationship with him (and perhaps this could be the start?), you'll have one less hurt (and potentially a big one!) between you to have to repair.
You're proud that "I have not said anything to him that cannot be unsaid". Then why start now? You can't undo not inviting him.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 7:33 AM on December 18, 2009
You're proud that "I have not said anything to him that cannot be unsaid". Then why start now? You can't undo not inviting him.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 7:33 AM on December 18, 2009
I do not think you should invite him to your wedding with the state of you, your mother, and your siblings' relationship towards him currently.
However,
I highly recommend that you and your siblings seek a support group for adult children of divorce. While your father's affair was tragic and he was severely misguided in confiding in you, marital affairs are really not all that rare and I believe that the children should eventually be able to forgive the parents. It sounds like your father fell out of love with your mother and did not have the forethought to see how his children would interpret that in regards to his love for them. He's only human.
posted by WeekendJen at 7:34 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
However,
I highly recommend that you and your siblings seek a support group for adult children of divorce. While your father's affair was tragic and he was severely misguided in confiding in you, marital affairs are really not all that rare and I believe that the children should eventually be able to forgive the parents. It sounds like your father fell out of love with your mother and did not have the forethought to see how his children would interpret that in regards to his love for them. He's only human.
posted by WeekendJen at 7:34 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
I like ukdanae's suggestion, but I would probably write the letter to him well before the wedding (if you have time)--tell him that, the way things are now, you cannot invite him, but that you'd like your feelings acknowledged.
I like the letter idea, too, but I don't think sending it before hand is a great idea, at least not if it sends the message that there are things he can do now to get on the invite list. It's clear the situation is such that he's got to put a lot of work into rebuilding the relationship and recognizing how he hurt you. Even if that process starts it's going to take time for you to forgive him. He can't just say "Sorry, I wronged you" and then come to the wedding and everybody's happy. As you say your sisters, brother, mother, grandmother, and fiancee still won't be thrilled to see him. They all deserve more consideration than your father. You've got enough to think about right now planning a wedding and starting a life together.
posted by 6550 at 7:44 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
I like the letter idea, too, but I don't think sending it before hand is a great idea, at least not if it sends the message that there are things he can do now to get on the invite list. It's clear the situation is such that he's got to put a lot of work into rebuilding the relationship and recognizing how he hurt you. Even if that process starts it's going to take time for you to forgive him. He can't just say "Sorry, I wronged you" and then come to the wedding and everybody's happy. As you say your sisters, brother, mother, grandmother, and fiancee still won't be thrilled to see him. They all deserve more consideration than your father. You've got enough to think about right now planning a wedding and starting a life together.
posted by 6550 at 7:44 AM on December 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
Dissenting voice here. Since you're even asking the question, you seem to have some feeling about not excluding him from this part of your life. Err on the side of caution and familial harmony.
It sounds like not inviting him would be erring on the side of caution and familial harmony.
posted by chrillsicka at 7:52 AM on December 18, 2009 [5 favorites]
It sounds like not inviting him would be erring on the side of caution and familial harmony.
posted by chrillsicka at 7:52 AM on December 18, 2009 [5 favorites]
If you were the only one affected, I would suggest inviting him. But you have your mother's feelings to consider, so my vote is for not inviting. Taking him out to dinner to meet your fiancee might be good, depending on how much danger there is that he'll see that as an opening to try and get a wedding invitation.
posted by BibiRose at 7:52 AM on December 18, 2009
posted by BibiRose at 7:52 AM on December 18, 2009
He can't just say "Sorry, I wronged you" and then come to the wedding and everybody's happy.
Honestly, I don't think beginning the process of healing now, before the wedding, implies that he can just say that he's sorry and be forgiven. But if the OP is having some hesitation about the issue, and is still open for a reconciliation, I think it can't hurt to start the process now. If OP isn't there yet a month before the wedding, when invites usually go out, that's fine, but he can exclude his father with a clear conscience and knowing that he's done all he can.
I also agree with WeekendJen that counseling or a support group might be helpful, too.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:56 AM on December 18, 2009
Honestly, I don't think beginning the process of healing now, before the wedding, implies that he can just say that he's sorry and be forgiven. But if the OP is having some hesitation about the issue, and is still open for a reconciliation, I think it can't hurt to start the process now. If OP isn't there yet a month before the wedding, when invites usually go out, that's fine, but he can exclude his father with a clear conscience and knowing that he's done all he can.
I also agree with WeekendJen that counseling or a support group might be helpful, too.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:56 AM on December 18, 2009
Your issues with your father stem directly from his breaking his marriage vows. He cheated on your mother, asked you to lie about it, and broke apart your family. When you wouldn't lie for him, he punished you. It sounds as though his attitudes toward marriage and vows are different from yours. It's okay to exclude from your wedding someone who's beliefs about marriage are completely different from your own.
It's not so much his infidelity, but that he asked you to lie so that he could continue to be unfaithful. If you don't want that person to be there when you take your vows, then okay.
posted by 26.2 at 8:34 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's not so much his infidelity, but that he asked you to lie so that he could continue to be unfaithful. If you don't want that person to be there when you take your vows, then okay.
posted by 26.2 at 8:34 AM on December 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: TruncatedTiller:
Thank you for your dissent. I think that the point you raise is precisely the one I am struggling with: is not inviting him to the wedding something that can never be taken back?
At one level, every moment that passes is a moment that can never be taken back. So, of course not inviting him is something that can never be taken back.
But he has not been there for a lot of the ordinary moments either: my graduation from law school, being admitted as a lawyer for the first time, making my confirmation in the Church, &c. Not because I've asked him and he hasn't showed up, but because I don't have the sort of relationship with him that means I tell him about these milestones in my life. I don't call him every Saturday and shoot the bull about what's going on. We don't watch the game together on Sunday. Each of those moments that passes is another thing that can't be taken back.
What I'm trying to figure out is whether not inviting him to my wedding is more like not sharing these other events, or more like saying "I'm never speaking to you again because of what you did. You are dead to me." Ultimately, I think it's somewhere in between, which is what makes it difficult to know what to do.
posted by gauche at 9:28 AM on December 18, 2009
Thank you for your dissent. I think that the point you raise is precisely the one I am struggling with: is not inviting him to the wedding something that can never be taken back?
At one level, every moment that passes is a moment that can never be taken back. So, of course not inviting him is something that can never be taken back.
But he has not been there for a lot of the ordinary moments either: my graduation from law school, being admitted as a lawyer for the first time, making my confirmation in the Church, &c. Not because I've asked him and he hasn't showed up, but because I don't have the sort of relationship with him that means I tell him about these milestones in my life. I don't call him every Saturday and shoot the bull about what's going on. We don't watch the game together on Sunday. Each of those moments that passes is another thing that can't be taken back.
What I'm trying to figure out is whether not inviting him to my wedding is more like not sharing these other events, or more like saying "I'm never speaking to you again because of what you did. You are dead to me." Ultimately, I think it's somewhere in between, which is what makes it difficult to know what to do.
posted by gauche at 9:28 AM on December 18, 2009
I think his missing your law school graduation is on par with missing your wedding in terms of moments that can't be taken back, but I don't think either is a line in the sand, after which you can never reconcile.
If your attempts to reconcile and bring him back fully into your life have not yet reached the point where you can include him in the traditional sorts of family togetherness like graduations and weddings, then the reconciliation simply hasn't reached that point yet and you're not sending a new special "you're dead to me signal" by not inviting him to the wedding, in my opinion. I've been a member of a wedding party where this Dad was invited; he didn't show up, but in the end, just inviting him did enough damage.
I think the answers you've already checked as best are best because I think they send the signal you are trying to send: Hey, Dad, you really screwed up and I don't yet trust you completely because of it. The consequences of that include your not being at my wedding. You are important enough to me to try, but it still has to be on my terms.
To my mind, that's a totally legitimate position and not a position which is radically altered by not inviting him to your wedding. Sending him a letter afterward, or introducing him to your wife at brunch, or whatever works for you and your wife seems completely in keeping with your relationship at the present.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:41 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
If your attempts to reconcile and bring him back fully into your life have not yet reached the point where you can include him in the traditional sorts of family togetherness like graduations and weddings, then the reconciliation simply hasn't reached that point yet and you're not sending a new special "you're dead to me signal" by not inviting him to the wedding, in my opinion. I've been a member of a wedding party where this Dad was invited; he didn't show up, but in the end, just inviting him did enough damage.
I think the answers you've already checked as best are best because I think they send the signal you are trying to send: Hey, Dad, you really screwed up and I don't yet trust you completely because of it. The consequences of that include your not being at my wedding. You are important enough to me to try, but it still has to be on my terms.
To my mind, that's a totally legitimate position and not a position which is radically altered by not inviting him to your wedding. Sending him a letter afterward, or introducing him to your wife at brunch, or whatever works for you and your wife seems completely in keeping with your relationship at the present.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:41 AM on December 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
Depending on what kind of person your dad is, not inviting him to the wedding could indeed be one of those things that can never be taken back, and it could irreparably harm your relationship. But if he IS that kind of high-drama person, then you might be better off just severing ties anyway and having the wedding you want.
I think the best approach is to not invite him, but to tell him exactly why you're not doing it, and reassure him that you still are up for the work of reconciliation. His reaction will determine a lot. Remember that this isn't really all under your control - he is who he is.
posted by yarly at 10:21 AM on December 18, 2009
I think the best approach is to not invite him, but to tell him exactly why you're not doing it, and reassure him that you still are up for the work of reconciliation. His reaction will determine a lot. Remember that this isn't really all under your control - he is who he is.
posted by yarly at 10:21 AM on December 18, 2009
You are definitely not making a statement that he is dead to you if you write him or call him and explain to him why he will not be or was not invited to the wedding. It will help him and you, I think, if you add that you still hope for a sufficiently honest and trusting relationship with him in the future to allow the two of you to share more of your future life events with him.
Your dad sounds like a person with some serious character flaws, and is not likely to change his ways at this late date. Having said that, people sometimes surprise us, and it never hurts to keep that door slightly ajar as long as you make your expectations clear.
posted by bearwife at 11:50 AM on December 18, 2009
Your dad sounds like a person with some serious character flaws, and is not likely to change his ways at this late date. Having said that, people sometimes surprise us, and it never hurts to keep that door slightly ajar as long as you make your expectations clear.
posted by bearwife at 11:50 AM on December 18, 2009
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Don't invite him.
posted by something something at 6:25 AM on December 18, 2009 [4 favorites]