Helping a Depressed Friend

January 31, 2005 10:49 PM

Tonight, one of my housemates checked into a safehouse. Unbeknownst to anyone else in the house, he's been cutting himself, and he's suffering from heavy depression/suicidal thoughts, mostly due to school and being away from home.

What can I do to help out? Things to do when he gets home? What would be nice to bring him while he's getting help? For anyone who's been in this situation, what did you find especially helpful/uplifting?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total)

When I was in a similar situation, the only things I found helpful were conversations, and music. I spent a fair amount of time talking things out with my friends, but when I wanted to be alone, I really, really wanted to be alone.

So I asked my friends to make me mixtapes, so that I could tell them to go away, but listen to the tapes and still have them there in a sense.

I don't know anything about your friend's situation, but I had to work out my situation for myself. Just be there when he needs you, and be elsewhere when he needs that. Best of luck.
posted by Jairus at 11:05 PM on January 31, 2005

Jarius + Anon: I have nothing constructive to add, but your idea of mix tapes -- wanting to be alone, and still appreciating those you care about is one of the best ideas I have EVER heard.
posted by ruwan at 11:23 PM on January 31, 2005

What ruwan said.
posted by nile_red at 11:33 PM on January 31, 2005

I've managed to avoid hospitalization (barely) despite needing it a few times over the years. However, I can speak to the fact that when someone is really in that bad of a spot the most important things are giving them the space they need (as Jairus said) and doing your best to not let it impact your friendship with them.

The absolute worst thing, for me, was the way mental illness destroyed every last friendship and family relationship I had, because neither I nor they understood what was going on. Mental illness can lead to baseless emotions that cause you to say things you really don't mean, and the medications to treat it can also have the exact same effect. Be patient.

Remaining their friend (and mixtapes are one way of demonstrating) and giving them the space (or person to talk to!) that they need to work through it are the most important things. They're also all that can be reasonably expected of you.
posted by Ryvar at 12:49 AM on February 1, 2005

Best way to help is to not try and help too much. Treat them normally but be sensitive to hints (e.g. leave me alone). Don't "try and talk about it" unless he wants to. Working through issues that cause suicidal thoughts is a very personal journey and he's going to have to do most of it on his own. Just support him however he needs it.
posted by rooftop secrets at 2:14 AM on February 1, 2005

People who are suicidal don't need space. That's part of the problem. But they also don't need you mouthing off at them. The best thing is constant physical contact. No words--just pure contact with another living, breathing human being. If that's not doable then your constant presence in the room.

BTW, this a depressingly common question. For your own sake, you might try just googling around some.
posted by nixerman at 2:37 AM on February 1, 2005

I don't know, nixerman. Times that I've been really low, I would have hated having someone's constant presence in the room.

That said, I may never have been as big a danger to myself as the asker's friend seems to be. Constant presence in the room may be unwanted but practical for survival.
posted by squirrel at 3:19 AM on February 1, 2005

Make sure he eats well. Depending on how bad his condition is when he gets home, you could either cook for him, or try getting him to prepare and eat meals with you. Same goes for light exercise.

I'm not sure what the staffing situation is at the safehouse, or what confidentiality rules apply, but you could try talking to them to see if they can offer general advice, and perhaps suggestions tailored to your friend's condition.

You could also familiarize yourself with the mental health and support resources that are available at your school, so that you're prepared to brief your friend on these if he needs/wants this type of help.
posted by stonerose at 4:56 AM on February 1, 2005

While I think nixerman might exaggerate the point a bit, I know when I was at my worst people often left me alone -- and all I felt was useless and alone. That said, I didn't want to do anything much either. One small idea I have is that perhaps you could gather some DVDs your housemate might enjoy, then casually offer to watch one with him when he returns. This is a very low-key activity, which is good because he won't want too much social pressure or stimulation. Yet it gives you a chance to just be with him and support him in that way. Maybe you can even have a meal/snack together while you're watching the movie, thus making sure that he's nourished but in a laidback way.

You sound like an excellent housemate. I'm sure you have good instincts and will be a great help to your troubled friend.
posted by katie at 5:13 AM on February 1, 2005

In addition to alll the excellent suggestions here, one of the things that I've found is helpful dealing with severely depressed people is regular low-pressure checking in, something that gets across that you're thinking of them without requiring major feedback or interaction from them. I'm not sure what sort of relationship you and your housemate have, but a daily same-time phone call, driving/walking in to school together, having a cup of coffee together in the morning, or even popping your head in the evening to say goodnight can keep the contact between you two open in a way that doesn't scream "how ARE you?" at the person. That way you're creating something that's stable in what is probably a chaotic mental time for them as well as just being available.
posted by jessamyn at 7:29 AM on February 1, 2005

Your housemate will probably be worried that people are freaked out by his illness. I would make it clear that you are happy to see him, and that you don't perceive him as burden.

My favorite colleague lives with a serious but intermittent mental illness. She is very defensive about people enabling the mentally ill, or infantilizing them. I just say this so you don't feel hurt if your housemate withdrawals or declines to talk to you about his problems.

All the ideas above are good and considerate. Acting normal towards him might be the biggest help. Don't ignore him, don't isolate him, but give him privacy if he needs it.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 7:34 AM on February 1, 2005

I think the kind of physical contact that is needed is honest, sincere, completely selfless, loving contact. Loving them enough to be completely honest. Not fake, not forced, no demands, but completely sincere. If you have to leave, be honest about it, if you have any grudges, forgive them. Seriously, open yourself to them and you'll be surprised that you may benefit as well. If you're honest, he will know, and if he wants you to fuck off, hopefully your openness will allow him to tell you so.
posted by scazza at 7:39 AM on February 1, 2005

I might be echoing a bit here, but I had someone very dear to me in a similar situation... I found that regular visits and keeping the conversation lite (never bring up the reason for why she was there, but not ignoring it when she brought it up) worked well for recovery. I brought REAL coffee too!

Just be a good and genuine friend. Works every time.
posted by LouReedsSon at 7:53 AM on February 1, 2005

jessamyn's answer kicks ass, as always.
posted by widdershins at 8:18 AM on February 1, 2005

Some posters are saying they want people around when they're depressed, and others are saying they want to be alone -- there's no contradiction there. People are different. Even when they've got the same symptoms or the same diagnosis, people are still different. So really, there's no single right way to treat a depressed person.

That said, I do think jessamyn's got the right idea. It may turn out your housemate wants to be alone, but a wave and a smile now and then won't hurt either way.

I'd like to emphasize, too, that you want to pay attention to him, not to his symptoms. You shouldn't be trying to check up on him every day, check his wrists for marks, ask him how he's feeling, and so on. You should just make a point of being friendly and open in a low-key way. If he wants to talk about how he's feeling, you'll be there; if not, the friendly gestures themselves may be just as helpful.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:35 AM on February 1, 2005

I think you should feel free to discuss your uncertainty about what to do directly with your friend. Say something that contains the thoughts that you want to continue to be his friend (provided that's true!), but that you're not sure exactly what to say or do to give him support. Let him know that you don't want to walk on eggshells for fear of sending him over the edge, but neither do you want to barge in and bug him by insisting that you all connect on deep levels at every moment.

This kind of conversation can be really great as it can make your concern really explicit and it shows your respect for the other person's wants and needs.

And don't necessarily agree to whatever the person puts out, if it makes you feel uncomfortable - like if he says, just leave me alone, you can say that you don't feel good about that, and that you're worried he's going to get himself into a bad state and start cutting himself again without telling anyone, and that you really don't want that to happen again.
posted by jasper411 at 12:03 PM on February 1, 2005

Give him your number and tell him he can call any time. Make sure he knows it's true. Bring over funny movies of his taste (bad horror flicks always worked for me). Don't force yourself and your company onto him. He might want company sometimes, might not want it sometimes, might NEED it but not want it once in a while. Depression is rough to help with. Just little nice things. Movies have always helped me.
posted by honeydew at 3:32 PM on February 1, 2005

Like jessamyn said . . . If you can think of any kind of tiny, comforting, ritual you can both do, that might be cool: making pizza every Thursday (or ordering takeout food once/week or once/month and/or agreeing to try different food each time), going to the used CD store together, watching a movie, whatever treat you could consistently maintain.

(I have some similar little rituals/habits with friends. The rituals started out as "Hey, you know, this is fun. Why don't we make a point of going to the CD store together every week?" Now I really, really look forward to those little events -- and sometimes it's the only way I can get through the week, because I know at least Thursdays will always be fun.)

I personally am awestruck when postcards or letters magically appear in my mailbox. Most people don't obsess quite so much about receiving mail, but I think it's a good no-pressure way to cheer somebody up.
posted by oldtimey at 3:59 PM on February 1, 2005