One can't subsist on fat and sugar alone

February 9, 2010 1:26 PM

My flatmate doesn't eat much, subsisting on yogurt and croissants. Advice on dealing with a anorexic roommate as a chef who cooks food all the time at home and how to get my mind around this.

A new roommate moved in a couple of months ago who I had known for a few months previously, a very positive upbeat girl in all estimations. It turns out once she moved in that she has had an eating disorder for the last 5 years (neglected to mention previously) and also is on all sorts of medication for depression. I have lived in shared accommodation for the last 10 years so am I used to odd vagaries in the human condition, however I have never had any experience of this kind.

The depression is a side note, outwardly everything is fine for the flat, she is very clean and respectful, works hard, interested in whats going on, seems happy and laughs a lot; she is an artist and paints frequently so emotions can manifest out on the canvas. That's not really the crux of the issue here. I know how to deal with depressed people. Found this previous question but she is already getting 'rogered' by her boyfriend so its not going to help..

My problem is that living situation with friends or acquaintances has almost always revolved around food. I cook dinner nearly every night and previously my flatmates and I would share food and all cook together. When she first moved in I would make stupendous dinners but after the food just getting pushed round the plate a couple of times in a row (is it too much salt? did I overcook the meat?) it made dinners slightly uncomfortable.

Since she has moved in I have not seen her eat anything other than a yogurt for breakfast and occasionally a croissant. However my question is definitely not a case of 'I wanted to eat together more' its a case of 'she doesn't eat at all', the refrigerator is devoid of her food, she always is busy when I offer to drive to the supermarket and she has not cooked once in 3 months of living here.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest if she lived on takeaway or eating out. I am happy to cook for myself. The issue here is that she is not eating correctly; her health is at risk and it makes me feel uncomfortable when I prepare my own food. Do I offer her some? Not invite her for dinner so its not uncomfortable for her? And why didn't she mention this before she moved in when she knew the place was all about the eating? Help!

posted by camerasforeyes to Health & Fitness (38 answers total)

Other than that you never see her eat, does she seem underweight or unhealthy?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:32 PM on February 9, 2010

Response by poster: Sorry I should of clarified that above. She is of a healthy to slim weight albeit with a very pale complexion, we are both in the apartment a lot of the time (her studio is upstairs) so its not a case of her eating secretly in private.
posted by camerasforeyes at 1:36 PM on February 9, 2010

The issue here is that she is not eating correctly; her health is at risk and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

This is your problem, not hers. She may or may not have an eating disorder, but at this stage it is none of your business.

Do I offer her some?

She's the only one that can tell you if she's uncomfortable being offered food.

Not invite her for dinner so its not uncomfortable for her?

If she's really uncomfortable (rather than you being uncomfortable), then she's the only one that can let you know.

And why didn't she mention this before she moved in when she knew the place was all about the eating?

Because again, it's none of your business.
posted by muddgirl at 1:37 PM on February 9, 2010 [15 favorites]

I feel that my advice may be unwanted, and I hope it's not the wrong advice (I'm sure someone else will pipe in downthread if it is) but here goes:

This flatmate of yours is an adult. And adult with problems, and an adult who is not taking care of themselves sufficiently, but still she is an adult. This problem of hers is not your problem. Drawing attention to the issue may make matters worse for her, psychologically. She is trying to deal with her problems, and they are hers. Unless she chooses to involve you they are not your problems to deal with.

She probably did not tell you about her depression and eating disorder because she is embarrassed or ashamed, and did not want to freak you out or let on that anything is wrong with her.

I think that the best thing you can do is to make is to be open and available as a friend, and yet not to be pushy or interfering. Make it clear that you care (but maybe don't say "I noticed you have an eating disorder and I want you to know I care," try to be a little more subtle!). Unless your roommate decides that she needs help with her eating disorder, and that you are a person she can go to for emotional support and assistance, this is really not your business.
posted by audacity at 1:39 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Thanks for the clarification. I think if she otherwise seems healthy, the fact that she rarely eats is none of your concern. You can continue to offer her food in open-ended ways ("There's a pot of chili in the fridge, feel free to help yourself!"), but don't be a nag about it. Nobody likes being told how to eat.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:41 PM on February 9, 2010 [5 favorites]

She obviously doesn't want you cooking for her, so don't do it. She quite probably doesn't want you offering her food either, because she probably feels uncomfortable refusing it.

You might be uncomfortable, but her eating habits are her affair. Unless she's asked you for advice, stay out of it. I'm going to assume she's a grown woman who is capable of making her own choices for herself - if that's the case, it's not really any of your business how much she eats, or doesn't.

Why are you concerning yourself with this so much? Is it just because you want to cook for her and she doesn't want you to?
posted by Solomon at 1:42 PM on February 9, 2010

Unless your roommate decides that she needs help with her eating disorder, and that you are a person she can go to for emotional support and assistance, this is really not your business.

Yeah, perhaps I was a bit harsh and abrupt in my analysis, but I was assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that flatmate has an existing support structure (a boyfriend, other friends and family members). If this isn't the case then camerasforeyes and roommates can certainly tactfully make themselves available in that capacity.
posted by muddgirl at 1:43 PM on February 9, 2010

There is a reason why she's not living with family or friends, and it's because she doesn't want to be your sister. Let her do whatever she wants. You sound overly involved.
posted by anniecat at 1:44 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Because again, it's none of your business

Should she just continue not to eat? I would like to try and help her get to a normal eating pattern. I'm not sure I would have chosen to live with someone who had underlying issues such as these, but seeing this is the situation now I would like to try and help in some way. I have talked to her and she has been frank with me about problems and her attempts to overcome them, I was just hoping there was a way to go about reintroducing the passion of food to someone who it has gone so far away from.

She was a friend before she moved in, not a total stranger. I have always lived with friends, its not 'a oh my god I have to fill the room to make the bills' situation. She relies on me for a lot of reassurance with regards to many aspects of her life. I can cope and provide support for those. Anorexic is something I have no experience with and was hoping there might be some salient advice.
posted by camerasforeyes at 1:54 PM on February 9, 2010

are you absolutely sure she isn't eating when she isn't home? some people just don't like to eat at home. if she is really only eating yogurt and the occasional croissant, she'd be a lot thinner than "healthy to slim," i think.
posted by millipede at 1:54 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

I had a roommate at one point who periodically suffered from an eating disorder. She is still one of my best friends and I would never, ever refer to her as a sociopath.

She told me that this was something that she struggled with and that she would let me know if she ever needed help. I know there were stressful times during school when she wasn't eating much. At one point, she voluntarily went for therapy and things got better.

Like you, I love to cook dinner every night and it was weird that I couldn't share my meals with my friend. I got used to it.

I think that it is good that you are concerned. However, this is an issue your roommate needs to deal with on her own. If you two are close at all, just tell her that if she ever needs anything, you are there. You don't need to make this a big speech. You can blurt it out during commercials. Then you have done your duty. Give her space.

Best of luck to both of you.
posted by mmmbacon at 1:55 PM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

Some people just don't like eating in front of others, period. You seem convinced that she's not secretly eating, but I wouldn't be so sure. It's not like you can monitor her 24 hours a day. It's her business and none of yours.
posted by Rhomboid at 1:56 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

people trying to force me to eat prolonged my anorexia. maybe it was just the excuse i used at the time, but i realized fairly early on that i could only lose so much weight being anorexic and hypoglycemic and that even when i was 5'10" and 122lbs, that the girls at school would still call me fat because i had tits - so then it became about showing the other people, my friends/family/concerned onlookers, that i knew best for me. i dug my heels in and ate less, not more.

my dad found the magic bullet, tony's microwave pizzas. unlike everyone else in my life who was literally holding me down and holding my head forward while another person held food under my nose - he just kept the kitchen stocked with tony's pizzas at all times - never enough to binge on, but always enough to eat.

i'm with everyone else here - leave her the hell alone. she is not yours to fix. however, if you want to help, unobtrusively, perfect your croissant recipe. leave them laying around with a flippant "ugh, learning how to make these means i have to make too many! any that are left on friday are getting binned!"
posted by nadawi at 1:56 PM on February 9, 2010 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: Nadawi - Thanks for your advice. I guess if your not eating properly then maybe cooking what she likes the most is probably the best way. I was thinking more about trying to do things that were balanced in terms of nutrition but I guess any Cals are better than no Cals. She mentioned she liked cinnamon buns.

Next Ask Mefi - How to perfect your cinnamon bun recipe..
posted by camerasforeyes at 2:03 PM on February 9, 2010

I would like to try and help her get to a normal eating pattern.

I really do understand and empathize with your concern, but unless you're a licensed therapist there's really not a lot you can actively do.

Here's a pretty good website if you really want to be a friend to her.

Something Fishy is a site I have visited a lot and has lots of helpful advice, often written by people with eating disorders. The most insightful advice:

The first thing to realize once you have come to the awareness that your loved-one suffers from an Eating Disorder, is that you must not concentrate immediately on the food... and the best thing you can do is to learn to attentively listen.

posted by muddgirl at 2:03 PM on February 9, 2010

Because again, it's none of your business.

Should she just continue not to eat? I would like to try and help her...

Has she asked you for help?

If and when she does: (1) shut up, (2) listen, and (3) be supportive.

Until she asks, just do the first thing. You're not her mother.
posted by rokusan at 2:04 PM on February 9, 2010 [5 favorites]

I once had hoiusemates who were convinced my diet consisted of only tea and yogurt - since those were the only foods I stocked in our kitchen. Whereas, in reality, I was subsisting on takeaway burritos, jamba juice, and tri-tip sandwiches.
posted by kickingtheground at 2:09 PM on February 9, 2010

Response by poster: She has talked to be about it frequently and about how she wants to get back to eating properly. She has talked to me about the issues that underlie this, she has talked to me frank on many issues of her past which I would normally reserve for the soft leather couch.

She has asked for me help in menu planning and working out a balance of nutrition.

I guess my first post came across a bit whiny but I am just a little jaded from the taking on roommates without them telling you the whole story. This post is about helping someone who has fully disclosed her issues (I wouldn't bandy around the label anorexic without it coming out of her own mouth). My own issues I can deal with. Maybe I should have made that more clear?
posted by camerasforeyes at 2:09 PM on February 9, 2010

Response by poster: Also about the secretive eating - She will eat small amounts of food I make her, nothing more than a few bites. I bought her some smoked salmon last week for the croissants which she enjoyed. Its much better now than it has been in her past few years. Maybe time is all it needs..
posted by camerasforeyes at 2:13 PM on February 9, 2010

i walked away for a couple minutes to do some chores, and as so often happens, the thoughts i was going to add were added in my absence, but i'll repeat them, maybe to give them weight.

anorexia is not about the food, it's about control. to fix the food problem is only a bandaid. even after i started eating again, i wasn't healed - not by a long shot.

and, yeah, don't concentrate too much on feeding her the right things - just be open and willing to listen and fill the studio apartment with smells of things you know she likes. she'll either eat or she won't, but hey, at least you'll have cinnamon rolls.
posted by nadawi at 2:14 PM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

My problem is that living situation with friends or acquaintances has almost always revolved around food. I cook dinner nearly every night and previously my flatmates and I would share food and all cook together.

So let me get this straight.

In your own words, your problem has to do with your expectations. Specifically, your expectations regarding how she should share meal time with you, based on your previous experience with other flatmates.

You are overthinking this. Splitting the rent does not mean sharing food rituals.

-
posted by General Tonic at 2:16 PM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

The issue here is that she is not eating correctly; her health is at risk and it makes me feel uncomfortable when I prepare my own food. Do I offer her some? Not invite her for dinner so its not uncomfortable for her?

Her health is her business, and should be dealt with as such, which it sounds like you're prepared to do -- and in the meantime, you should decouple her health and eating habits from your activities, because otherwise you're imposing your expectations regarding food and eating habits on her, and that's not good for either of you.

That is, you should keep inviting her to dinner, provided your food is merely the excuse for assembling, not the purpose of it -- that is, if you're assembling for conversation and camaraderie. When you invite her to dinner, ask if she wants you to prepare a portion or half-portion for her, or not, so she understand that eating isn't a prerequisite for showing up. When she shows up, be glad you have another friend at the table rather than feeling uncomfortable that somehow she's judging you by not eating your food (as you said, you can deal with your own issues, so accept that any discomfort here is coming from you and thus your issue.)

Now, if the primary purpose of these dinners is to discuss and critique the food, then don't invite her to those, or invite her but let her know this particular dinner is about the food rather than the camaraderie so she can bow out gracefully the first few times (after which you can stop asking) assuming she doesn't just say "no, I'm not interested in that sort of thing" up front, in which case you don't need to ask again.

Now, finally, regarding this:

"She has talked to be about it frequently and about how she wants to get back to eating properly."

This you can help her do, if she really wants, but not in the context of these dinners. Be the cook you are; make an easy-to-prepare, easy-to-store, easy-to-eat food and put it in the fridge. When you see her getting ready to go to work or something, tell her: "we talked about you wanting to get back to eating properly, and I know that's hard to do when you have to take time out to prepare the food in the first place, so I made you a couple of single-serving tupperware containers of [thing] to bring to work for the next few days, if you want them. If you don't want them because you hate that kind of food, no worries, I'll eat 'em and you can let me know what you might like instead -- and if you don't want them because you don't want me to make food for you, I won't be offended and I'll knock it off. Let me know!"
posted by davejay at 2:21 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

She has talked to be about it frequently and about how she wants to get back to eating properly. She has talked to me about the issues that underlie this, she has talked to me frank on many issues of her past which I would normally reserve for the soft leather couch.

She has asked for me help in menu planning and working out a balance of nutrition.

I guess my first post came across a bit whiny but I am just a little jaded from the taking on roommates without them telling you the whole story. This post is about helping someone who has fully disclosed her issues (I wouldn't bandy around the label anorexic without it coming out of her own mouth). My own issues I can deal with. Maybe I should have made that more clear?

I think that you need to rephrase this question and ask it again next week. Be very clear that your flatmate wants help in menu planning and a balance of nutrition and ask how to achieve that.
posted by kylej at 2:24 PM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

I would like to try and help her get to a normal eating pattern.

I don't really think this will work, you don't get to fix her unfortunately, she has to do that for herself. You do get to care about her though, so focus on that. Tell her you're worried about her and let her know you'll support her and do whatever is helpful to her, but keep it about you caring for her rather than about her food problems per se.

There was a somewhat similar question to ask the podcast doctor a while ago (7 Jan 2010 episode). It's a podcast run by the University of Michigan Medical School where the host gets faculty doctors who sepcialise in the area specific to the question to come and discuss it. It's pretty general but may have something useful?
posted by shelleycat at 2:27 PM on February 9, 2010

You are not her therapist. This is not your business. Move along, citizen, nothing to see here.
posted by chairface at 2:34 PM on February 9, 2010

Best answer: It sounds like the hard part of this is not just that she didn't tell you upfront but that you wouldl like to help fix the problem and don't know how. As you probably figured out by now, there isn't much you can do and that can be very frustrating - both because you enjoy food and she doesn't also because she is harming her health and you care about her.

Remember that control issues are a major component in anorexia. Even if she has asked for your help, be very careful to keep non-pressured and let her tell you what she wants from you. Also, there is a huge difference between wanting and doing in this case. She knows she has a problem but she may or may not be ready to change. So you need to keep things up as guilty-free as possible.

So, if she asked for you help, ask her what would be helpful. Listen carefully and don't agree to be her monitor even if she asks, it is important for both of you to avoid having any stake in whether she actually eats or not. Cook for yourself, because you like to cook. Be careful that you don't feel like you are trying harder than she is or that you are a failure if you can't tempt her appetite.
posted by metahawk at 2:35 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

For what it's worth, I definitely do not have an eating disorder, but my eating habits fluctuate greatly from day-to-day depending on my stress levels and mood. The pace at which I eat also varies, and I have been made fun of my entire life by close friends and family for either eating too slow or too fast.

I've also never been keen on the whole idea that living together = sharing meals together. It is great that you love to cook and having someone like you for a roommate would be awesome, but it would creep me out and make me uncomfortable if someone constantly wanted the sort of attention and the subsequent approval from sitting down like a family unit and enjoying a meal face-to-face or even in the same room.

So long as she enjoys the food you're making, perhaps a better layout for this situation would be to make the food, but don't dish anything out. Let her decide what she wants and when she wants it. Just let her know that dinner's on the stove and you'll be putting whatever's left in the fridge after 30 minutes or so. If your kitchen is attached to your dining room, perhaps going off into another room entirely while she picks and chooses is best.

Since she is already getting help from other people, this is the most you can do for her and I think she'd much appreciate it. I know that I would.
posted by june made him a gemini at 2:37 PM on February 9, 2010

Sorry, I should have phrased that second paragraph differently. When I sit down at a meal, I feel like I'm constantly under watchful eye of the chef to see what it is that I like and don't like, and that I'm supposed to comment on how well-done each thing is, not that you don't deserve praise, but perhaps just let her know when you try something new or want an opinion if she could report back to you on it if she gets the chance and it would mean a lot to you.
posted by june made him a gemini at 2:42 PM on February 9, 2010

She relies on me for a lot of reassurance with regards to many aspects of her life. I can cope and provide support for those.

I think that this is problematic. Here's why: she's disclosed to you that she has an eating disorder, correct? And she relies on you for "reassurance" in other areas of her life. So, it's natural to assume that you should have a role in helping her to address her eating disorder. But if she hasn't said "I have this problem, I want to fix it, will you help me?" you're going to be attempting something exhausting and impossible.

You can reassure someone that her boyfriend is acting like a jerk or that her hair looks good or that she deserves the job she just interviewed for. You will never "reassure" someone out of an eating disorder. You can ask her if she'd like help looking into treatment and counseling options, you can offer to drive her to medical or therapy appointments, and you can be supportive while she pursues whatever treatment she needs; you cannot assess and correct her eating habits at home as the two of you go about your daily lives.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:46 PM on February 9, 2010

> living situation with friends or acquaintances has almost always revolved around food
> it makes me feel uncomfortable when I prepare my own food
> go about reintroducing the passion of food to someone who it has gone so far away from

What would it mean, if you had to bond with a roommate in some way other than through food?

Can you live with a roommate who does not share your passions?

Reintroducing the "passion of food" to someone for whom it is not a passion is a challenging project, and this "Babette's Feast-- with an additional moral subtext" seems dubiously Why Can't She Be More Like Me.

Live and let live; eat and let not-eat.

All that said, perhaps you can just make little snack-like items, and then just leave them out for her to nibble... when you can't see her.
posted by darth_tedious at 2:57 PM on February 9, 2010

Even if she wants you to help her with her diet, I think you need to tone down your own enthusiasm about food. You seem to be A LOT more interested in food than the average person. You say that your living arrangements with friends and acquaintances have "almost always revolved around food," your place is "all about the eating," you'd make "stupendous dinners" for her, and your aim is "reintroducing the passion of food to someone who it has gone so far away from."

That seems like a lot of pressure to put on someone for whom food is clearly an issue.

Also, if she's "of a healthy to slim weight," she's obviously eating something and probably enough of it. Are you sure you're not exaggerating the problem here?
posted by Jelly at 3:03 PM on February 9, 2010

Also, if she's "of a healthy to slim weight," she's obviously eating something and probably enough of it. Are you sure you're not exaggerating the problem here?

This is a huuuge myth about eating disorders. You can't judge whether or not someone's ED is a problem by their weight on the scale, because eating disorders aren't strictly about looking thin.
posted by muddgirl at 3:19 PM on February 9, 2010 [3 favorites]

I am that roommate.
The only two rules I would suggest are:
1. Don't be a jerk (i.e. "OMG, we will make you eat something we cook even if it's the death of us!")
2. Don't feel like you are living with a pile of feathers. She (if she is like me, that is, and not deeply emotionally involved in her diet) probably will find it more annoying that you are palpably groping for just the right way to avoid talking about food around her.

My roommates were culpable for #1, which was annoying, but they never committed #2, which is good!
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 3:31 PM on February 9, 2010

Here's a piece you might find helpful. It's called How to Handle My Eating Disorder in Your Home for the Holidays, but some stuff still applies to a roommate.
posted by peep at 3:57 PM on February 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Whether or not she has an eating disorder, she's your roommate, not your family, and it's inappropriate imo for you to try to force a shared mealtime with her.
posted by Billegible at 5:06 PM on February 9, 2010

> go about reintroducing the passion of food to someone who it has gone so far away from

There's a lot of good advice in this thread. I wanted to chime in to state very plainly: Eating disorders are NOT about food alone. She hasn't "lost" her joy of food. Her eating patterns are a SYMPTOM of a much larger issue.
If you want to help, I suggest you get a book from the library on eating disorders, and then keep quiet unless she comes to you explicitly asking for help.
posted by missmary6 at 5:39 PM on February 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Given that she's asked you to help with this, and that you would like to help because she's your friend, I don't see why you should mind your own business. I agree with the suggestions to get a book on eating disorders and see what that suggests about how to take food out of her personal power equation. The casual "bite of this, bite of that" approach makes sense to me, although I'd certainly defer to an expert.
posted by lakeroon at 8:26 PM on February 9, 2010

Best answer: She has asked for your help and you can help but you cannot cure her of her eating disorder. This absolutely has to come from her.

Some days her anorexia is going to get the best of her. The eating disordered brain will tell her that the only way to survive/cope is to control her intake of food. You have no control over when and why this might happen. It might be because she had a tough therapy session. It might be because her mom called. It might be because you left your laundry in the dryer. It isn't your fault or your responsibility.

If she wants you to keep offering her dinner, then keep offering her dinner but I would encourage you to find out exactly what it is that she wants/expects and doesn't want. The thought of someone constantly offering me food during the worst of my ED would trigger a massive fit of control where I was terrified to eat anything for fear I would eat EVERYTHING. So, really, don't take anything she does personally and definitely get thee to Something Fishy What You Can (and Can't) Do page.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:03 AM on February 10, 2010