Making Long-Distance Single Parenting Relationship Work Smoothly!
January 5, 2010 2:33 AM Subscribe
Early stages of long-distance relationship filter: I've reconnected with an old potential dating interest from over 20 years ago in the past, and since August, there have been daily texts, emails, phone calls. We live about a 3 hour drive away from each other.
He's a single dad (12 year old), I'm a single mom (three teenagers), so we both understood up front that scheduling actual dating time would be a challenge. My kids are old enough to be left alone overnight; he needs to hire a sitter for his daughter (neither one of us has local family to help out).
In the past month, I've been able to get down to his city for two weekends and an amazing week-long stay that ended this past weekend.
I hung out with his daughter, we had some heavily serious adult time; we both enjoyed each others' company and as I was leaving, he said he'd be up to visit me this week (which would be the first time he's done this).
He called last night to check in and I asked about the visit, and he said to give him a few hours to work on the logistics. I said I didn't want to be pushy; I just want to see him whenever it could work out. We've had some discussions (that he raised) about how we could make this work between us...he said somewhat seriously that he'd consider moving up to my city, he also said that it's tricky for him to get overnight coverage but wants to make this work.
So here's my question: I'm definitely a very organized single mom of three...I have the planned out calendar on the fridge, I know who needs to be where and when and basically, I'm the type of person who needs to plan ahead so I can successfully navigate my life and the lives of my kids.
I really like this guy, and this is my first serious dating relationship in...oh brother...over 25 years. But I'm being stupid, I think, and interpreting his "let me work on this" not as reluctance to continue the relationship but as a sign that this guy is pretty happy to let me do all the work.
And I don't know how I feel about that.
So, AskmeFites who have knowledge of the intricacies of long distance relationships with single parents when there are kids and sitters involved, what do you think?
Do I just plan another visit to his fair city? Do I say nothing and wait?
He's a single dad (12 year old), I'm a single mom (three teenagers), so we both understood up front that scheduling actual dating time would be a challenge. My kids are old enough to be left alone overnight; he needs to hire a sitter for his daughter (neither one of us has local family to help out).
In the past month, I've been able to get down to his city for two weekends and an amazing week-long stay that ended this past weekend.
I hung out with his daughter, we had some heavily serious adult time; we both enjoyed each others' company and as I was leaving, he said he'd be up to visit me this week (which would be the first time he's done this).
He called last night to check in and I asked about the visit, and he said to give him a few hours to work on the logistics. I said I didn't want to be pushy; I just want to see him whenever it could work out. We've had some discussions (that he raised) about how we could make this work between us...he said somewhat seriously that he'd consider moving up to my city, he also said that it's tricky for him to get overnight coverage but wants to make this work.
So here's my question: I'm definitely a very organized single mom of three...I have the planned out calendar on the fridge, I know who needs to be where and when and basically, I'm the type of person who needs to plan ahead so I can successfully navigate my life and the lives of my kids.
I really like this guy, and this is my first serious dating relationship in...oh brother...over 25 years. But I'm being stupid, I think, and interpreting his "let me work on this" not as reluctance to continue the relationship but as a sign that this guy is pretty happy to let me do all the work.
And I don't know how I feel about that.
So, AskmeFites who have knowledge of the intricacies of long distance relationships with single parents when there are kids and sitters involved, what do you think?
Do I just plan another visit to his fair city? Do I say nothing and wait?
I also think you are jumping the gun worrying about this so soon. Give him a little time and see what he comes up with.
I imagine it would be difficult to find an overnight sitter for a 12 year old on any kind of a regular basis (or maybe ever) if there is no family or close friends willing to help out; no matter how far in advance he tries to plan, if there isn't anyone available and willing in his life then there just isn't.
There is a possibility that you might wind up doing the bulk of the travel. If that is how it starts working out over the course of a couple of months, that might be the time to talk to him about "pitching in" on the relationship in some other ways... maybe he plans and pays for the dates when you come down, or helps out with your travel expenses.
He really can't help it if he can't find someone to watch his daughter... not everyone has a supportive network of friends & family to pitch in. Faulting him for his "disorganization" or feeling like he is taking advantage of you by needing you to do the traveling seems like kind of a big leap of logic. If he's a good guy and treats you well in other ways, it would probably be worth cutting him some slack on this one.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:54 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
I imagine it would be difficult to find an overnight sitter for a 12 year old on any kind of a regular basis (or maybe ever) if there is no family or close friends willing to help out; no matter how far in advance he tries to plan, if there isn't anyone available and willing in his life then there just isn't.
There is a possibility that you might wind up doing the bulk of the travel. If that is how it starts working out over the course of a couple of months, that might be the time to talk to him about "pitching in" on the relationship in some other ways... maybe he plans and pays for the dates when you come down, or helps out with your travel expenses.
He really can't help it if he can't find someone to watch his daughter... not everyone has a supportive network of friends & family to pitch in. Faulting him for his "disorganization" or feeling like he is taking advantage of you by needing you to do the traveling seems like kind of a big leap of logic. If he's a good guy and treats you well in other ways, it would probably be worth cutting him some slack on this one.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:54 AM on January 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
1. Watch your heart flutter.
2. Become comfortable with this fluttering.
3. Repeat as necessary.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:34 AM on January 5, 2010 [8 favorites]
2. Become comfortable with this fluttering.
3. Repeat as necessary.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:34 AM on January 5, 2010 [8 favorites]
I know someone who has three built in babysitters. It may be WAY TOO early to have his daughter come with him, but if it is a weekend and she comes, one of your kids could watch her at your house while you two go out for adult time?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:06 AM on January 5, 2010
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:06 AM on January 5, 2010
Relax and enjoy him whenever you can. You may be more organized than he is, and you might well have to be with three kids (been there). His daughter is an only child and she's probably less comfortable being apart from her dad. Your kids have each other when you're not there.
posted by mareli at 7:13 AM on January 5, 2010
posted by mareli at 7:13 AM on January 5, 2010
It can be really easy to spoil a good thing early on by letting an overly-efficient Fret Drive skew your sense of the importance of any one moment in a relationship, especially early on as people are getting used to one another and trying to suss out just how much they both are or aren't into one another. I say this both as someone prone to doing that myself AND as someone who finds it quite suffocating when someone does it to me. If you're only a few weeks into this relationship, have only gotten a "let me work on the logistics" request from this person just last night, and are already worrying enough about the implications that you're writing AskMe questions about it, this is what I would suggest:
For the next 2-4 weeks, promise yourself that you will adopt a Wait and See attitude. Worried that he didn't ring you up Monday morning as scheduled? Wait and see, at least half a day beyond the point at which you'd like to respond - maybe by Monday afternoon he'll have called and will have a very good reason for why he'd had to postpone. Stressing over his difficulties in finding a babysitter, worried about him not trying hard enough to be with you (and FWIW, I do a lot of babysitting for a family whose kids I love, but even I would have a hard time agreeing to the overnight thing due to my own logistical issues)? Wait and see - you can't make him do this any faster, and allowing him time to act on his own will probably give you a lot more insight into his interest/commitment levels than any conclusions you could immediately jump to on your own.
Wait and see, wait and see, at least for those first couple weeks, at least until you can disengage any knee-jerk anxiety and conclusion-jumping that might be going on any time your brain seizes upon a scrap of "evidence" and runs wild with it. If you still feel uncomfortable about the balance of effort the two of you are making after you've had time to step back and allow more obvious patterns and predictable routines to emerge, that would be the time to reassess and speak up. From personal experience, I have to say that speaking from a position of observation and deliberation (er, but not unbounded dwelling) is far more beneficial than allowing reactive anxiety to run the show.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:02 AM on January 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
For the next 2-4 weeks, promise yourself that you will adopt a Wait and See attitude. Worried that he didn't ring you up Monday morning as scheduled? Wait and see, at least half a day beyond the point at which you'd like to respond - maybe by Monday afternoon he'll have called and will have a very good reason for why he'd had to postpone. Stressing over his difficulties in finding a babysitter, worried about him not trying hard enough to be with you (and FWIW, I do a lot of babysitting for a family whose kids I love, but even I would have a hard time agreeing to the overnight thing due to my own logistical issues)? Wait and see - you can't make him do this any faster, and allowing him time to act on his own will probably give you a lot more insight into his interest/commitment levels than any conclusions you could immediately jump to on your own.
Wait and see, wait and see, at least for those first couple weeks, at least until you can disengage any knee-jerk anxiety and conclusion-jumping that might be going on any time your brain seizes upon a scrap of "evidence" and runs wild with it. If you still feel uncomfortable about the balance of effort the two of you are making after you've had time to step back and allow more obvious patterns and predictable routines to emerge, that would be the time to reassess and speak up. From personal experience, I have to say that speaking from a position of observation and deliberation (er, but not unbounded dwelling) is far more beneficial than allowing reactive anxiety to run the show.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:02 AM on January 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Another thing that might help: could you try to mentally reframe his actions such that you're looking more into their "bigger picture" implications? By this I mean that while being less than hasty in making plans to go visit you might be a bad sign if that were all there was to it, maybe in this situation it actually says less about his commitment to you, and more about the type of person he is overall. In the long run, wouldn't you want to be with they type of parent who gives priority to his daughter's well-being as well as his own wants? Making that a priority rather than just immediately arranging whatever overnight accommodations he can for the kid could be a good sign, an indicator of how he values and treats the people in his life (including you if/when your relationship progresses and deepens over the upcoming months and beyond!).
posted by DingoMutt at 8:15 AM on January 5, 2010
posted by DingoMutt at 8:15 AM on January 5, 2010
I'm sure y'all thought of this already, but does the 12-year-old have any friends she could spend the night with?
and also what DingoMutt said.
posted by ishotjr at 8:28 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
and also what DingoMutt said.
posted by ishotjr at 8:28 AM on January 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sometimes, the early stages of being in love are full of anxieties like this, about whether or not it will work out. Huge highs and lows are part of the terrain you may be in.
But that doesn't mean your worry has no substance. You may wish to tell him, the way you told us, about your organizational tendencies and your desire for sharing the effort. You can also consider, given that two people are never exactly the same, how you could explain exactly what would make you comfortable. (eg, please don't hint at a visit until he can commit to it? Does that mean not mentioning it until ALL the logistics are in place, or can he mention it when he's committed to making it work but while certain contingencies like babysitter availability are yet TBD, or are both fine as long as he lets you know what stage the idea / planning is at?) The details may seem unromantic, but seeing someone act from the knowledge of what makes you comfortable can be really nice. (Also it's more romantic than either feeling panicky or acting inexplicably weird toward him!)
posted by salvia at 8:31 AM on January 5, 2010
But that doesn't mean your worry has no substance. You may wish to tell him, the way you told us, about your organizational tendencies and your desire for sharing the effort. You can also consider, given that two people are never exactly the same, how you could explain exactly what would make you comfortable. (eg, please don't hint at a visit until he can commit to it? Does that mean not mentioning it until ALL the logistics are in place, or can he mention it when he's committed to making it work but while certain contingencies like babysitter availability are yet TBD, or are both fine as long as he lets you know what stage the idea / planning is at?) The details may seem unromantic, but seeing someone act from the knowledge of what makes you comfortable can be really nice. (Also it's more romantic than either feeling panicky or acting inexplicably weird toward him!)
posted by salvia at 8:31 AM on January 5, 2010
Whew...I've calmed my fret filter down and taken everyone's advice. Thanks.
I talked with him last night and did what salvia mentioned; that for whatever reason my life functions less stressfully when I deal with certainties, so while I absolutely feel delighted that he's scheming and dreaming up a visit, if he's still in the scheming phase, I'd prefer to know that instead of making calendar notes.
We also talked about the more practical solution of me just getting to his city with more ease, and he said, "So why are we on the phone? You could sleep over tonight..." and he offered to split transportation costs.
DingoMutt thanks for all the advice and yes, something that greatly attracts me to him is that he is a solid, committed dad and that's the kind of guy I want around, not someone who's going to ditch his kid for a date.
posted by dzaz at 2:59 AM on January 6, 2010
I talked with him last night and did what salvia mentioned; that for whatever reason my life functions less stressfully when I deal with certainties, so while I absolutely feel delighted that he's scheming and dreaming up a visit, if he's still in the scheming phase, I'd prefer to know that instead of making calendar notes.
We also talked about the more practical solution of me just getting to his city with more ease, and he said, "So why are we on the phone? You could sleep over tonight..." and he offered to split transportation costs.
DingoMutt thanks for all the advice and yes, something that greatly attracts me to him is that he is a solid, committed dad and that's the kind of guy I want around, not someone who's going to ditch his kid for a date.
posted by dzaz at 2:59 AM on January 6, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jon1270 at 2:56 AM on January 5, 2010 [4 favorites]