Am I suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome or do I truly love my girlfriend?

December 22, 2009 1:58 PM

How do I figure this out? Am I suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome or do I truly love my girlfriend?

I've been with my current girlfriend (I'm also a woman) for a little over a year and a half. I've always had issues with dating or relationships since after my first "long" relationship, 11 mo, when i was 16/17ish. I've had two significant exes in my life whom I felt were the ones who "got away" but I know certain things happen for reasons and blah blah blah all that stuff.

I'm now with someone who is very smart, shares my sense of humor, and who initially I was attracted to. We share a lot of common ideas on life and responsibility stuff (bills, finance, etc.) which has been rare in a lot of my past relationships.

But now, three months after buying and moving into a house together, I sometimes leave work at 5pm and do not want to go home. I feel we bring out the negativity in each other. Please forgive my honesty, but when she talks to me about certain stuff, or just on a car ride longer than 20 minutes, she talks on and on about the same negative thing, and I just say "mhmm" and stare out the window.

I feel like I've lost a connection with her but I'm unsure if there ever really was a connection because I was so eager to be with her because we were good for each other. (Seem to be). I also know my last semester at grad school was very stressful and I felt I was taking on a lot with work full time, school full time, and i would still get home about an hour after her and she'd be sitting at her computer and I was left to cook dinner (more often than not). She did not clean our small apartment either, ever. She said it would change when we moved into our house because she would want to. Well guess who has done 90% of the cleaning of our new used home? Not her.

I have always sought other ways to relax via smoking and some drinking every now and then. I am now 27 and have held a stable life and career since about 24. She always says she feels like I have to self medicate to be around her, or that is the impression she gets. In general, I truly like to just relax and do those things. Other times it's completely true and I don't know what to do about it.

Our sex life is practically nonexistent. She farts a ridiculous amount and I am serious, for the first year she never did once. Now I don't care, don't get me wrong...but every night and morning she just lets them loose and I can't even fathom being intimate with her. It's been over two months since we've had sex. Along with the farting I feel she does not go out of her way AT ALL to do anything to impress me anymore. I know it's not all about me, but I try to do for her; especially lately. I want us to mutually want each other.

I guess I am spilling my guts here because I have no close friends I can really tell this to so please forgive my honesty. I moved here about 2 years ago and never had a chance or just never made many friends other than a few old friends who live about 30 min. away.

Sometimes I think how wonderful, thoughtful and kind she is. Other times I think she is just lazy about chores and has no desire to take care of herself. Sometimes I mentally plot an escape plan since we just bought a house, and I know it would be financially impossible for us to split without some prep work. Other times, I just think I need to get myself more grounded and accept things the way that they are. Nothing is like on movies; love is not like in songs or movies; my girlfriend will never declare her undying love to me or be passionate with me; but I am in a loving, mostly supportive relationship so what is wrong with me, and how do I fix it?

posted by kleenkat to Human Relations (24 answers total)

I guess I am spilling my guts here because I have no close friends I can really tell this to (kleenkat)

Have you told her these things? It sounds like you need to spill your guts to her.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:08 PM on December 22, 2009

What do you need to be happy?

Does she provide this? Can she provide this? What does she need to do in order to provide this?

And to be honest, you are not in a loving relationship if your needs aren't being met in the making love department. It's fine if she has a lower drive, but that doesn't mean you have to settle for the rest of your life. It sounds like you're realizing you're not compatible. Forget soulmates...are you even friends anymore?
posted by inturnaround at 2:08 PM on December 22, 2009

I agree with ocherdraco; it sounds like you need to work on the communication in your relationship. It may be beneficial to seek couples therapy if you can't figure out how to do that on your own.

Some of the things you mention above (her not cleaning & the farting) can be remedied pretty easily if you are honest about them and she is willing to meet you halfway. You may find that your feelings toward her will improve as a result.
posted by something something at 2:10 PM on December 22, 2009

You can either choose to invest the time and energy it requires to make the relationship work for you (and hope your partner does the same) or move on.

[Weird that in a previous question you say you are 29 and now you say you are 27. Which is it?]
posted by mattbucher at 2:12 PM on December 22, 2009

Response by poster: oops, i'm 27, she's 29
posted by kleenkat at 2:22 PM on December 22, 2009

You've asked five questions on Ask MeFi, and four of them have been regarding your relationship problems with your girlfriend, mostly indicating some communication problems. Good relationships aren't easy and carefree, they take work to make sure that everyone's needs are being met and that the people involved understand each other.

Would both of you be willing to engage in some couples or individual therapy? I think that, in the right setting and with a trained professional, you can both learn how to communicate your wants and needs and can find yourself in a very fulfilling relationship. You've already been together for a year and a half and are cohabitating. Now is the hard part where you have to figure out if you can make it together for the long haul. The sooner you both figure that out, the better off you'll both be.
posted by scarykarrey at 2:36 PM on December 22, 2009

Response by poster: I just feel like I don't know how to have an "Adult" relationship!!! Either that or I feel like there's someone better suited for both of us! Just afraid to admit it I guess.
posted by kleenkat at 2:40 PM on December 22, 2009

This isn't exactly about what you should or shouldn't do, concerning your relationship. I agree with all the above posts.

I'm going to point out the flatulence issue.

Humans fart. It is a natural biological response to built up gas in our digestive system. I don't care if you never heard or smelled her farts before, I promise you she did. Maybe instead she ran to the bathroom, or they were silent but deadly types.

If they are accessive, she might have a medical issue that needs being delt with. If it's just a random fart here and there (couple of times a day is not a big deal), that's perfectly normal.

She's also getting older, which has an impact on the body. She's also probably more comfortable around you that she doesn't try to hide it.

Have you told her it bothers you?

Along with the farting I feel she does not go out of her way AT ALL to do anything to impress me anymore. I know it's not all about me, but I try to do for her; especially lately. I want us to mutually want each other.

I honestly think the thing that's bothering you is not her flatulence but the second part of this sentence.
posted by royalsong at 2:40 PM on December 22, 2009

excessive* not accessive.
posted by royalsong at 2:41 PM on December 22, 2009

Here's a rough tally of the present situation, from what you've presented:

PLUSES:

very smart, shares my sense of humor - We share a lot of common ideas on life and responsibility stuff (bills, finance, etc.) - I am in a loving, mostly supportive relationship - Sometimes I think how wonderful, thoughtful and kind she is.

MINUSES:

I sometimes [...] do not want to go home - I feel we bring out the negativity in each other - she talks on and on about the same negative thing - I just say "mhmm" and stare out the window - I feel like I've lost a connection with her - I'm unsure if there ever really was a connection - she'd be sitting at her computer and I was left to cook dinner (more often than not) - She did not clean our small apartment either, ever - guess who has done 90% of the cleaning of our new used home? - She always says she feels like I have to self medicate to be around her - Our sex life is practically nonexistent - She farts a ridiculous amount - I can't even fathom being intimate with her - It's been over two months since we've had sex - I feel she does not go out of her way AT ALL to do anything to impress me anymore - other times I think she is just lazy about chores and has no desire to take care of herself - Sometimes I mentally plot an escape plan - my girlfriend will never declare her undying love to me or be passionate with me.

RATIONALISATIONS:

initially I was attracted to [her] - we were good for each other - (Seem to be) - my last semester at grad school was very stressful - I was taking on a lot with work full time, school full time - I know it's not all about me - it would be financially impossible for us to split without some prep work - I need to get myself more grounded and accept things the way that they are - Nothing is like on movies - love is not like in songs or movies.

DESIRES:

I try to do for her; especially lately - I want us to mutually want each other.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:48 PM on December 22, 2009 [4 favorites]

It is entirely possible to love someone and still have them irritate the snot out of you.

From your posting history, not to mention this post, it's pretty clear you guys have communication issues. Relationship maintenance is a learned skill. Neither of you have learned it. After all of these posts, do you not think it's time to call in some professional help to improve your communication and conflict resolution? Couples therapy is very much not just for crisis management - it's there to help adults learn the relationship skills none of us are born with.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:49 PM on December 22, 2009

Response by poster: It's just that sometimes she reminds me of my younger brother with the whole farting thing. Trust me, I know this is natural, human biological thing. lol But when you make your ass sound like an elephant on purpose and wonder oh why doesn't my girlfriend want to have sex? ....
posted by kleenkat at 2:53 PM on December 22, 2009

The two of you might benefit from the book "The Five Love Languages". She may not realize how important cleaning the house and doing chores is to you.
posted by cheesecake at 2:56 PM on December 22, 2009

Bluntly -- you don't sound like you're into her very much. At only 3 months of living together, IMHO there should still be lots of fun, delight, joy, discovery, and heat. Was that ever there? I think it's way premature for you to be concluding that love isn't what it's cracked up to be, since frankly, it sounds like you settled for less.
posted by Wordwoman at 3:01 PM on December 22, 2009

Dan Savage said something about how to interact in a relationship that I resonate with; never take your partner for granted, because they can always walk out of said relationship. It sounds like you are doing a lot to maintain a relationship with your girlfriend, but your girlfriend isn't doing anything to maintain a relationship with you.

Sharing house chores is really important, especially since you are living together. But since you girlfriend is probably not a mind-reader, you need to bring this – along with your other issues – to the table. It may be awkward if you’re not used to doing it, but the end results will be worth it, as both of you can air your issues and attempt to resolve them.

Regarding the prattling thing, you need to stop it. People complain all the time how their partner/roommates/friends bitch and moan all the time. Sometimes they don’t realize how that impresses a negative feeling into the conversation. So you need to stop her at some point, and ask her what she can do to fix it. Sometimes people need to let out some steam, but if she’s still ranting on the same issue twenty minutes later, it means she needs to be more proactive about improving that issue.

I hear you on the farting thing. My ex used to do this ALL THE TIME. I don't mind farting, as it's a natural process, but he had no shame about tooting, even when we were in bed together. Not cool. It became something that he thought was hilarious, but I did not since I asked him repeatedly to not fart near me, particularly when we were in bed (he had horrible-smelling farts). If he had to fart, and we were in bed or in a small room, I asked him to go into the hallway or nowhere near me. That became one of the dealbreakers for me, and he was really surprised since to him, it was “just farting.” No, it became disrespectful when he chose not to listen to me and continue farting in bed.

Sex-wise: people are entitled to a satisfying sex life. You need to discuss with your girlfriend. If she doesn’t want to increase the amount of sex you have, then you might want to discuss seeking alternatives to fulfilling that part of your relationship. If she doesn’t want to have sex AND expects to be in a relationship with you, she needs to allow you to go out and fulfill that part of your desire.

It’s not wrong to ask a partner to take care of themselves more or dress up a little sometimes. Being physically attractive is part of the larger overall package of why you choose to be with someone. It also shows that they put some effort into wanting to be with you. It sounds like she assumes since you two have been dating for a while, it’s ok to become a slob. I’m not saying that she should purdy up everyday, but she should take care of herself at least.

Setting time aside to have a serious talk with your girlfriend is important. You both need to share expectations you have of each other, and what can be improved upon in order to maintain/improve your relationship. If she is unwilling to compromise on her current way of life, then you need to consider the possibility of breaking up. Right now, the status quo is that you end up feeling like you have to avoid her, and that’s a terrible way to feel in a relationship where you want to be loved and supported. Part of being loved and supported is being respected and it sounds like you aren’t getting a lot of that at the moment.
posted by mlo at 3:03 PM on December 22, 2009

kleenkat, several posters have pointed that it seems as if you and your girlfriend have an inability to communicate. If you step back even from this question, you might be able to see that this is a difficulty you face. Even in your follow-up response, it seems like you're latching onto random specifics, but you don't really grasp the overarching theme of what's being said to you.

You're also composing a list of reasons why you don't want to be with your girlfriend. If you don't want to be with her, don't. If it's worth it to you to try to save this relationship, try talking to her, or see a counselor together to learn to talk to one another. But for this thing to survive, you really do have to learn to communicate.
posted by runningwithscissors at 3:04 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I just feel like I don't know how to have an "Adult" relationship!!!

Just about everyone here is telling you one way to do precisely this -- work on your communication skills.

May I add, though, that the fact that just about everyone is telling you to do this, but your only comments make it look like you haven't even NOTICED this, indicates to me that you need to work on your LISTENING skills as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:16 PM on December 22, 2009 [8 favorites]

Great relationships have a certain magic to them. You are excited to be in the company of the other person. There is a hint of mystery. Your life is immensely better with that person, than without. You respect the other person - their judgment, their ethics, their character.

You do not have a great relationship. What to do?

First, realize that it takes two to tango. A great relationship is not something you just stumble into. Ask yourself, honestly, can you be a great partner yourself? Yes, you expect all those things I described above, from your partner, but do you deliver them yourself? If you don't, then you will never have a great relationship, because you need two great partners.

Every person creates a certain psychological space, an aura. This aura is how it is to be with that person. Imagine you just sitting in a room with that person - there is a certain aura created. Most people are "receivers". They wait for the other person to charge up their life - this is not a negative in any way, since there are the "generator" people, who like to take charge and take pleasure in creating experiences and having the other person enjoy them. Two generators can work together, as long as they are considerate. A generator and a receiver can work together well also. But two receivers have trouble. Are you mostly a generator or a receiver? I ask, because of this line: "[...]I feel she does not go out of her way AT ALL to do anything to impress me anymore." It also sounds like she's mostly a receiver. Trouble. You don't enjoy charging her up, and she does no charging of you.

You'll hear a lot about "communication". I have a slightly different view. It really is just a buzzword. Communication is only useful when both sides genuinely have the same goals. Instead, "communication" somehow is seen by many as a way of transmitting your demands to the other person, never mind if the other person likes those demands or not - the reality here is that it's negotiation or a power struggle, where there may be a winner and resentful loser, but it's really not about "communication" (then again, a horse's head in the bed is "communication" too). So ask yourself, do you want to "communicate" with your girlfriend? And will you like the outcome?

I say cut your losses. Find someone who is more compatible. Is it worth the risk, or is the mediocre present the best you can do? Will the new relationship be great? That depends on YOU as well as the other person, and nobody here can answer that question. If it were me, I'd bail - not being excited by the other person is bad - not even particularly liking your time with that person is much worse. You have only one life to live - don't waste it.
posted by VikingSword at 4:47 PM on December 22, 2009 [8 favorites]

So, what does she say when you bring up her negative conversation or her farting? Have you discussed working out sharing chores or making dinner, or do you just do it yourself without asking for help?
posted by oneirodynia at 4:50 PM on December 22, 2009

Quick addon: Sounds like you would do better atleast if you had an escape plan i.e. working out the prep details because it would just help you be better prepared if things go south. It doesn't seem like you have a good amount of security right now, better make that stable base for yourself. Also, maybe she doesn't know she's doing all this. Unless you communicate it out with her, it won't be known to the other party at all.
posted by iNfo.Pump at 5:50 PM on December 22, 2009

Response by poster: Wordwoman: I have lived with her for a little over a year. We shared a 650 square ft apartment during this time. I haven't decided what my gut says about settling or not, yet
....
I agree with a lot of you after reading these comments. I need to talk to her about these things and with her. I think this is because my last serious relationship, I decided to have a "talk" with her and try to communicate things I were upset about. Wrote out a note so I wouldn't get nervous. It was the straw that broke our relationship's back because we split after. I need to get over it and realize this girl isn't like that nor is the situation. I can attempt to sincerely accommodate to being more communicative.

mlo: it's good to hear about someone elses similar frustrations..thanks for all your input

vikingsword: i should try to learn this communication thing and practice it way more before i cut my losses, but your reply gives me pit in my stomach.(yes, both receivers)

thanks everyone.
posted by kleenkat at 7:34 PM on December 22, 2009

Response by poster: oneirodynia:

So, what does she say when you bring up her negative conversation or her farting?>>
She stops for a few hours or whole day. she said she hid it from me for a whole year. but honestly at how much she farts i can't believe it.


Have you discussed working out sharing chores or making dinner, or do you just do it yourself without asking for help?>>

discussed it, planned it...happened sometimes, mostly didn't at all though. we are working on it though. i normally do it myself without asking for help. have a bad habit of assuming, or thinking she's a mind reader.... or maybe we have different expectations. god knows!
posted by kleenkat at 7:37 PM on December 22, 2009

I need to talk to her about these things and with her. I think this is because my last serious relationship, I decided to have a "talk" with her and try to communicate things I were upset about. Wrote out a note so I wouldn't get nervous. It was the straw that broke our relationship's back because we split after.

I'm sure there's more to this story, but you must realize how silly it is to believe that your "talk" is what doomed your last relationship. The problems with that relationship existed whether you expressed them to your ex-girlfriend or not. If all it took to break you guys up was vocalizing them, the relationship was not long for this world anyway. The take-away lesson isn't to avoid bringing up things you're upset about; it's to bring them up sooner and more often to keep them from becoming unmanageable. Talking about problems doesn't destroy a relationship. Not talking about problems destroys a relationship.
posted by granted at 8:17 PM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

My SO is the king of farts. Seriously. But here's the thing, it doesn't lessen my sexual desire for him, at all, and we've been together for 7 years. Actually, I usually laugh. I can't help it. Farting is funny to me. But that's just me and it's obviously not funny to you. I guess it's easy to overlook excessive gas when everything else is good. We don't have to discuss sharing of chores because it just happens. Loving relationships shouldn't be stressful. I remember very well that feeling of not wanting to go home during my previous relationship (married for 23 years). It doesn't have to be that way. I wish I had found that out sooner. Only you can know if you truly love your girlfriend. You are very young and it sounds to me like you know this is not a healthy relationship, but you aren't quite ready to admit it. I know I say this all the time, but follow your instincts.
posted by wv kay in ga at 10:14 PM on December 22, 2009