No, sippy cups are not for scotch
December 21, 2009 6:57 PM Subscribe
My kid has a much beloved playdate buddy. Problem is; playdate buddy's mom is a drunk. A clingy, needy, whining, status-symbol addicted, country-club, drunk. I wouldn't mind if she was a fun drunk, or if she only drank after her husband got home, or if she didn't call me and want to come over when she was drunk...but suddenly, I've got this drunken crazy woman in my sphere. I don't much care for her, but our kids adore each other.
I don't drink. I used to drink. I used to drink a lot. Then I realized I was probably an alcoholic, and I quit drinking for the most part. (I'll once every couple of months have a glass of wine, or an after dinner port or brandy, but I've trained myself to stop after one. More than one and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop, ya know?)
Anyway, I know all the symptoms of someone who is functionally drunk. The careful enunciation, the deliberate movements, the sort of sloshy head thing, and the overwhelming cloud of breath mint. She hides her drinking, but it's pretty obvious that she carries booze with her, on outings, she'll disappear every 15 minutes or so until she hits that "stage". Anyone who knows a drinker knows what I mean by the "stage".
All of that would be annoying, but tolerable, except for the fact that she wants to drive over to our house after she's called and I can tell she's "staged". Also, when we go places, she wants to always take her car, because she has a very expensive car, and she doesn't want to be seen getting out of my little economy car, when we could be driving in her status-mobile.
Thus far, I've been avoiding the issue by saying "oh, I'm sorry we're doing something" or by bringing my kid over to their house...but tomorrow is a big day. A bunch of neighborhood moms are scheduled to take the kids to see Santa and some other xmas events.
It will be an all day thing, starting very early. How do I tactfully suggest that she ride with me, rather than letting anyone else ride with her?
I despise drunk drivers more than I can express, for reasons I won't elucidate here. But she's kept her alcohol use hidden really well from those people who either aren't or haven't been around alcoholics. So, I can't just come out and say to the other moms "Look, she's a drinker, it's not safe, just take your minivan." I mean, I can, but it's going to cause a huge scene, at xmas, when everyone is already on edge, plus I'm not sure anyone would believe me. She's very good at hiding it, and she intimidates those people who are intimidated by wealth.
But, I'm afraid if I don't say something, then gods forbid, something happens...I can't knowingly put all those other people in danger.
Help me hive mind. How do I keep the drunken trophy wife out of her Lincoln?
Throwaway email: playdatemomdrinks@gmail.com
I don't drink. I used to drink. I used to drink a lot. Then I realized I was probably an alcoholic, and I quit drinking for the most part. (I'll once every couple of months have a glass of wine, or an after dinner port or brandy, but I've trained myself to stop after one. More than one and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop, ya know?)
Anyway, I know all the symptoms of someone who is functionally drunk. The careful enunciation, the deliberate movements, the sort of sloshy head thing, and the overwhelming cloud of breath mint. She hides her drinking, but it's pretty obvious that she carries booze with her, on outings, she'll disappear every 15 minutes or so until she hits that "stage". Anyone who knows a drinker knows what I mean by the "stage".
All of that would be annoying, but tolerable, except for the fact that she wants to drive over to our house after she's called and I can tell she's "staged". Also, when we go places, she wants to always take her car, because she has a very expensive car, and she doesn't want to be seen getting out of my little economy car, when we could be driving in her status-mobile.
Thus far, I've been avoiding the issue by saying "oh, I'm sorry we're doing something" or by bringing my kid over to their house...but tomorrow is a big day. A bunch of neighborhood moms are scheduled to take the kids to see Santa and some other xmas events.
It will be an all day thing, starting very early. How do I tactfully suggest that she ride with me, rather than letting anyone else ride with her?
I despise drunk drivers more than I can express, for reasons I won't elucidate here. But she's kept her alcohol use hidden really well from those people who either aren't or haven't been around alcoholics. So, I can't just come out and say to the other moms "Look, she's a drinker, it's not safe, just take your minivan." I mean, I can, but it's going to cause a huge scene, at xmas, when everyone is already on edge, plus I'm not sure anyone would believe me. She's very good at hiding it, and she intimidates those people who are intimidated by wealth.
But, I'm afraid if I don't say something, then gods forbid, something happens...I can't knowingly put all those other people in danger.
Help me hive mind. How do I keep the drunken trophy wife out of her Lincoln?
Throwaway email: playdatemomdrinks@gmail.com
Before you make a scene, I think it would be fair to talk to this lady first and give her the chance to not drive. If she insists on driving, then, yeah, make a scene.
posted by elder18 at 7:14 PM on December 21, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by elder18 at 7:14 PM on December 21, 2009 [2 favorites]
IMHO, people who drive drunk are just despicable and deserve no sympathy whatsoever. The big scene you cause could save someone's life.
posted by moorooka at 7:16 PM on December 21, 2009 [9 favorites]
posted by moorooka at 7:16 PM on December 21, 2009 [9 favorites]
I know that I would not want to deal or make a scene. I think you have two choices. Either pull her aside and tell her to not drive, you are on to her (she will have to either get help or 'fess up) or tell the other mothers, make the scene and maybe save a life.
This or this is what happens when a parent drinks with children in a car although it sounds as if you know this too well already. NY State just made it a felony as of yesterday to drive over 0.08 blood alcohol content with a minor in the car.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:23 PM on December 21, 2009
This or this is what happens when a parent drinks with children in a car although it sounds as if you know this too well already. NY State just made it a felony as of yesterday to drive over 0.08 blood alcohol content with a minor in the car.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:23 PM on December 21, 2009
Wow, I don't envy your position. I agree that you can't just stand by and allow her to take others lives in her hands.
Maybe you could say something to her privately. Something like "I know you have been/ will be drinking and I'm not going to let anyone ride with you. You can ride with me and keep it quiet or you can push things and I'll tell the other moms what's going on."
The shame might be enough to keep her quiet, or she could totally freak out on you and make a scene. At least you will be taking the high road by trying to keep it private. If she refused to ride with you, then I think it is your responsibility to tell the other moms.
Little kids are resilient, if it comes right down to it your child can make new friends.
posted by TooFewShoes at 7:25 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Maybe you could say something to her privately. Something like "I know you have been/ will be drinking and I'm not going to let anyone ride with you. You can ride with me and keep it quiet or you can push things and I'll tell the other moms what's going on."
The shame might be enough to keep her quiet, or she could totally freak out on you and make a scene. At least you will be taking the high road by trying to keep it private. If she refused to ride with you, then I think it is your responsibility to tell the other moms.
Little kids are resilient, if it comes right down to it your child can make new friends.
posted by TooFewShoes at 7:25 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
"Are we taking your car? Mind if I drive? I love driving Lincolns."
PS How did you get stuck with the crazy drunk? $10 has it that everyone else knows, is non-confrontational and avoid her. They don't talk about it because they're discreet.
posted by geoff. at 7:26 PM on December 21, 2009 [4 favorites]
PS How did you get stuck with the crazy drunk? $10 has it that everyone else knows, is non-confrontational and avoid her. They don't talk about it because they're discreet.
posted by geoff. at 7:26 PM on December 21, 2009 [4 favorites]
Is it not a felony to drive drunk regardless of whether or not there's a minor in the car? It should be.
Anyway, this won't help with the Christmas event where you will likely have to make a scene (sorry, it's either that or risk the lives of innocent people including the neighbourhood children and anyone else on the road) but the next time she says she's driving over if you think she's drunk and you can't stop here, there's always the call the police option. I've dialed 911 to report drivers on the road who appear to be drunk and they take the calls seriously. This would be a little harder since you wouldn't know exactly where she was at any given time, but a car description and license plate along with a general route should give them what they need.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:29 PM on December 21, 2009
Anyway, this won't help with the Christmas event where you will likely have to make a scene (sorry, it's either that or risk the lives of innocent people including the neighbourhood children and anyone else on the road) but the next time she says she's driving over if you think she's drunk and you can't stop here, there's always the call the police option. I've dialed 911 to report drivers on the road who appear to be drunk and they take the calls seriously. This would be a little harder since you wouldn't know exactly where she was at any given time, but a car description and license plate along with a general route should give them what they need.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:29 PM on December 21, 2009
Speaking with her is a good idea, especially if you mention your own experiences with excessive drinking, but it also might not get you very far. Have you considered talking to her husband? He may or may not be aware of the situation (or in heavy denial), and knowing that someone outside their home knows about it, might be enough to spur him to action. I think that's where you start anyways, and then if things don't change, then you may need to take more drastic action.
posted by katemcd at 7:31 PM on December 21, 2009
posted by katemcd at 7:31 PM on December 21, 2009
Good points above about preventing her from driving drunk. Beyond that, even on days when you manage to drive your kid over for a playdate, do you really want your child at their house for hours with a wasted mother in charge?
posted by keener_sounds at 7:32 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by keener_sounds at 7:32 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh, and if you would like the playdates to conitnue and she'll still allow it, then go to her house and pick up her kid. It's a pain, I know, but you don't want her driving to your home if she might be drunk, and you don't want to leave your kid over there if she might be drunk, either. She might decide to punish you (and both children) by ending the playdates, though.
Letting her continue to drive drunk with her child in the car or even alone shouldn't be an option. There are other people on the road, too. It's not just the people in her car who are in danger.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:33 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Letting her continue to drive drunk with her child in the car or even alone shouldn't be an option. There are other people on the road, too. It's not just the people in her car who are in danger.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:33 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
"I am a recovering alcoholic. I understand that we are all adults here, but your behavior leads me to believe that you spend a lot of your time under the influence of alcohol. Whether that is true or not, I have to do what I feel is best for my child, and that means not riding with you. I am glad you are my friend and you can trust me to keep this feeling that I have discrete, but I must ask that you not drive me, my son, or any of our friends when your behavior leads me to believe that you are under the influence of alcohol."
This informs her that it is her behavior that leads you to believe that she is under the influence of alcohol, and you can only identify this behavior because of your former abuse of alcohol. You are not interested in airing her dirty laundry, because it would air yours at the same time. But in order for you to keep it quiet, she must accede to your request. It's a bandaid solution (I feel terrible for her own son) but it could be a real shock to her that someone has noticed despite her trying to hide it, and could be a catalyst for change.
posted by juniperesque at 7:43 PM on December 21, 2009 [23 favorites]
This informs her that it is her behavior that leads you to believe that she is under the influence of alcohol, and you can only identify this behavior because of your former abuse of alcohol. You are not interested in airing her dirty laundry, because it would air yours at the same time. But in order for you to keep it quiet, she must accede to your request. It's a bandaid solution (I feel terrible for her own son) but it could be a real shock to her that someone has noticed despite her trying to hide it, and could be a catalyst for change.
posted by juniperesque at 7:43 PM on December 21, 2009 [23 favorites]
If you talk to the other mothers, you'll need to give your own background and details on why you believe she's been drinking. Other people will need to know you are knowledgeable. Otherwise they might ascribe unfortunate motives to you, and you'll get nowhere.
If you start making a stink now, or whatever you have to do, you might be starting a process that will make her kid's life a little less bad. In other words, it's probably -- definitely -- worth it.
posted by amtho at 7:47 PM on December 21, 2009
If you start making a stink now, or whatever you have to do, you might be starting a process that will make her kid's life a little less bad. In other words, it's probably -- definitely -- worth it.
posted by amtho at 7:47 PM on December 21, 2009
It sounds like you want to start with a specific tactic for tomorrow: "How do I tactfully suggest that she ride with me, rather than letting anyone else ride with her?"
I'd go with something along juniperesque's lines.
posted by jacalata at 7:50 PM on December 21, 2009
I'd go with something along juniperesque's lines.
posted by jacalata at 7:50 PM on December 21, 2009
If she's driving drunk (particularly with passengers) she's okay with endangering other people's lives. You may need to weigh the benefits of your child's friendship with her playmate against the danger this woman poses. You don't explicitly state whether she's ever driving drunk with your kid in the car - or if your child is ever in her care without your being present - but if either of these things are happening, you need to take swift and immediate action to make sure they never do again. How you do this - a gentle yet firm conversation (as suggested above by juniperesque) should do the trick, but you may need to remove her from your life completely - is much less important than just making it happen as soon as possible. You do not want to regret not taking action about this.
posted by hot soup girl at 8:05 PM on December 21, 2009
posted by hot soup girl at 8:05 PM on December 21, 2009
Get one of those key-chain breathalyzers? Dangling threat....
posted by sammyo at 8:41 PM on December 21, 2009
posted by sammyo at 8:41 PM on December 21, 2009
You wrote:
. But she's kept her alcohol use hidden really well from those people who either aren't or haven't been around alcoholics. So, I can't just come out and say to the other moms "Look, she's a drinker, it's not safe, just take your minivan." I mean, I can, but it's going to cause a huge scene, at xmas, when everyone is already on edge, plus I'm not sure anyone would believe me. She's very good at hiding it, and she intimidates those people who are intimidated by wealth.
But you can, if you're willing to. There are other options up-thread, but if you chose to, you could say to the other moms, "I am not going to let my child ride with her, because I have seen things that make me concerned that she sometimes drives after having too much to drink, even in the daytime." You could include your own history or not. But at that point, you have at least given those women the option of making a choice.
I dated a sneaky drunk a long time ago, and I did not see the problem drinking until a friend who was a recovering alcoholic pointed the behaviors out to me (hidden extra bottle of wine in the kitchen, for instance, to drink from when she went to check on dinner, etc--I'm sure you're familiar with the kinds of things). Some moms may see it and not want to confront it; others may truly not see it. If you make some effort--with lots of "I" statements, "I'm doing this and here's why"--to educate them, then at least they are making their own decisions and the consequences are not on you.
You want to be tactful, and I empathize with the hard spot you're in. But it strikes me like one of those situations where nice people try to keep being nice when someone else has already broken the social contract. And the only way for things not to get worse is for one of the nice people to be just a little bit less nice for awhile.
Very best of luck to you.
posted by not that girl at 9:21 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
. But she's kept her alcohol use hidden really well from those people who either aren't or haven't been around alcoholics. So, I can't just come out and say to the other moms "Look, she's a drinker, it's not safe, just take your minivan." I mean, I can, but it's going to cause a huge scene, at xmas, when everyone is already on edge, plus I'm not sure anyone would believe me. She's very good at hiding it, and she intimidates those people who are intimidated by wealth.
But you can, if you're willing to. There are other options up-thread, but if you chose to, you could say to the other moms, "I am not going to let my child ride with her, because I have seen things that make me concerned that she sometimes drives after having too much to drink, even in the daytime." You could include your own history or not. But at that point, you have at least given those women the option of making a choice.
I dated a sneaky drunk a long time ago, and I did not see the problem drinking until a friend who was a recovering alcoholic pointed the behaviors out to me (hidden extra bottle of wine in the kitchen, for instance, to drink from when she went to check on dinner, etc--I'm sure you're familiar with the kinds of things). Some moms may see it and not want to confront it; others may truly not see it. If you make some effort--with lots of "I" statements, "I'm doing this and here's why"--to educate them, then at least they are making their own decisions and the consequences are not on you.
You want to be tactful, and I empathize with the hard spot you're in. But it strikes me like one of those situations where nice people try to keep being nice when someone else has already broken the social contract. And the only way for things not to get worse is for one of the nice people to be just a little bit less nice for awhile.
Very best of luck to you.
posted by not that girl at 9:21 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
If she really is driving drunk with kids in the car, as you speculate, that needs to stop.
I would second talking to her privately. If you yourself had a drinking problem, you know how unhappy and ashamed she must feel. Maybe drop all the "status-mobile" judgment and condescension and try thinking of her as a fellow human being who needs help with a problem.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:21 PM on December 21, 2009
I would second talking to her privately. If you yourself had a drinking problem, you know how unhappy and ashamed she must feel. Maybe drop all the "status-mobile" judgment and condescension and try thinking of her as a fellow human being who needs help with a problem.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:21 PM on December 21, 2009
I would just say "I want to drive. If you also want to drive, then we can take two cars. My kid will ride with me."
posted by zippy at 10:04 PM on December 21, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by zippy at 10:04 PM on December 21, 2009 [2 favorites]
Could you phone it in to the police? During the party, call and say that someone there is about to drive their car drunk. It sounds harsh, but if she's putting other people's lives (including your kids) at risk, then that needs to stop. Maybe getting pulled over will do that.
posted by Solomon at 10:05 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Solomon at 10:05 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
I hope to hear an update on how this went.
posted by intermod at 10:16 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by intermod at 10:16 PM on December 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Please make a scene.
And if you can get this woman out of your life, do it. Your child will make new friends. It's just not worth the risk.
posted by juliplease at 11:11 PM on December 21, 2009
And if you can get this woman out of your life, do it. Your child will make new friends. It's just not worth the risk.
posted by juliplease at 11:11 PM on December 21, 2009
Speak up, one way or another. What she's doing is not okay, and it's not just her problem.
It's going to be a problem for her, her family, and anybody else she manages to hit with her car -- until there is some crisis that forces her to confront it. Would you rather the crisis be embarrassment (at the moms' group, having her husband get a phone call, getting pulled over by the cops while she drives down your block) -- or some much worse crisis?
(Someone I know, a woman in her 30s with 2 young kids, just died from her secret alcoholism this week. Her husband was trying to deal with it himself and they just kept putting it off, thinking of ways it was going to be fine. You have a chance to try to step in and speak up here, maybe it won't work but doing nothing sure as hell won't work.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:12 PM on December 21, 2009 [2 favorites]
It's going to be a problem for her, her family, and anybody else she manages to hit with her car -- until there is some crisis that forces her to confront it. Would you rather the crisis be embarrassment (at the moms' group, having her husband get a phone call, getting pulled over by the cops while she drives down your block) -- or some much worse crisis?
(Someone I know, a woman in her 30s with 2 young kids, just died from her secret alcoholism this week. Her husband was trying to deal with it himself and they just kept putting it off, thinking of ways it was going to be fine. You have a chance to try to step in and speak up here, maybe it won't work but doing nothing sure as hell won't work.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:12 PM on December 21, 2009 [2 favorites]
You're going to have to stand up and say what needs to be said. This is your (and her) kid were talking about here. It might be better to talk before she gets drunk but those details are up to you.
posted by chairface at 11:28 PM on December 21, 2009
posted by chairface at 11:28 PM on December 21, 2009
A favorite book of mine includes a description, possibly apocryphal, of a trap used to catch monkeys in some part of the world. The trap is an anchored container with a small opening, and a piece of food inside. The monkey reaches in, grabs the food, and then can't get his closed fist back out through the small opening. The monkey is so set on getting the food that he won't let go of it, even when doing so is the only way he can escape. The human that sets the trap can walk right up and grab the monkey, which could've easily escaped by letting go of the treat.
Don't be the monkey in your scenario. You see an opportunity to avoid tragedy by letting go of a social comfort. Take it.
posted by jon1270 at 3:35 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
Don't be the monkey in your scenario. You see an opportunity to avoid tragedy by letting go of a social comfort. Take it.
posted by jon1270 at 3:35 AM on December 22, 2009 [2 favorites]
Your child will make new friends. All the comments about not letting her drive are spot on. Don't get in a car with her, warn others.
That said..another aspect of this...do you want your kid hanging out with someone who is going to have a shitty life, whose mother may well be abusive, and will probably make poor decisions...
Time to cut ties now....
posted by HuronBob at 4:44 AM on December 22, 2009
That said..another aspect of this...do you want your kid hanging out with someone who is going to have a shitty life, whose mother may well be abusive, and will probably make poor decisions...
Time to cut ties now....
posted by HuronBob at 4:44 AM on December 22, 2009
do you want your kid hanging out with someone who is going to have a shitty life, whose mother may well be abusive, and will probably make poor decisions
Um, what? There is nothing to suggest abuse here (apart from the inherent abuse in driving the kid around while drunk).
Please be compassionate, OP, and say something to the mother in private first, and in public if necessary. But don't just cut ties with her kid, who probably will need all the friends he can get as he grows up and realizes what's going on.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:36 AM on December 22, 2009 [3 favorites]
Um, what? There is nothing to suggest abuse here (apart from the inherent abuse in driving the kid around while drunk).
Please be compassionate, OP, and say something to the mother in private first, and in public if necessary. But don't just cut ties with her kid, who probably will need all the friends he can get as he grows up and realizes what's going on.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:36 AM on December 22, 2009 [3 favorites]
I agree with preventing her from driving by any means necessary. But coming at this from another angle, please don't make her kid pay for something he or she has no control over. The most likely fallout will be that Alcoholic Mom will prevent her child from spending time with yours as some weird kind of payback, but on the off chance that doesn't happen, don't forbid your kid from spending time with hers.
My mother is not an alcoholic, but she is mentally ill, and her inability to socialize successfully with other parents made my young life a lot more difficult.
posted by crankylex at 6:42 AM on December 22, 2009
My mother is not an alcoholic, but she is mentally ill, and her inability to socialize successfully with other parents made my young life a lot more difficult.
posted by crankylex at 6:42 AM on December 22, 2009
You know, I've done a lot of irresponsible shit when it comes to driving intoxicated, but nothing even close to driving drunk with kids in the car. For God's sake, make a scene. It's social graces vs. people's lives at risk. Also, if the person is a habitual drinker then it's even more dangerous, because they've probably convinced themselves they "know how to drive drunk" and are thus going to be that much more careless. I've known/know plenty of people who "know how to drive drunk", and I'd rather crawl home than ride with any of them. At least the social drinker is second-guessing himself and probably scared shitless, you know?
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:52 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:52 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, as far as the "catalyst for change" thing goes, that's a good point, especially since it doesn't sound like this lady is too far gone for that. Really pathetic drunks don't have a "stage", they just drink constantly. I once watched a friend of mine slam a beer in between dry-heaves from alcohol poisoning.
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:55 AM on December 22, 2009
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:55 AM on December 22, 2009
No matter what, please, please do not let your kid go to her house anymore. You've already said she gets drunk while your child is in her care (you said you avoid the drunk-driving situation by bringing your kid to her house). Drunk people do not make good decisions. They do not supervise the children in their care. They are incapable of doing so. Before something tragic happens, please do not let your child go there anymore. If you truly have these concerns, letting someone else know is a good idea. School counselor, child's father, another mother. It's difficult to get involved but it's more difficult to live with the "what ifs."
posted by cooker girl at 8:02 AM on December 22, 2009
posted by cooker girl at 8:02 AM on December 22, 2009
That said..another aspect of this...do you want your kid hanging out with someone who is going to have a shitty life, whose mother may well be abusive, and will probably make poor decisions...
WHAT THE FUCK? Some of my best friends were, in childhood, the kids of alcoholics. Some of my best friends are, today, the adult children of alcoholics. None of them are having a "shitty life" despite their parent(s)' addiction.
Your attitude is disgusting, and fortunately the OP, as a recovering alcoholic, is unlikely to get on your shunning bandwagon.
If this were me, I would confront Drunk!Mama (juniperesque's comment is an admirable template) and definitely rule out any further playdates for my child where Drunk!Mama would be the only adult supervising.
But confront her first, before you go to anyone else about this. As a fellow alcoholic, you owe her that much honesty. Maybe this will be her "bottom" (doubt it, but give her a chance).
My second step, after the confrontation, would be to call the police when you see her driving drunk. That's a lot of people's "bottom".
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:28 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
WHAT THE FUCK? Some of my best friends were, in childhood, the kids of alcoholics. Some of my best friends are, today, the adult children of alcoholics. None of them are having a "shitty life" despite their parent(s)' addiction.
Your attitude is disgusting, and fortunately the OP, as a recovering alcoholic, is unlikely to get on your shunning bandwagon.
If this were me, I would confront Drunk!Mama (juniperesque's comment is an admirable template) and definitely rule out any further playdates for my child where Drunk!Mama would be the only adult supervising.
But confront her first, before you go to anyone else about this. As a fellow alcoholic, you owe her that much honesty. Maybe this will be her "bottom" (doubt it, but give her a chance).
My second step, after the confrontation, would be to call the police when you see her driving drunk. That's a lot of people's "bottom".
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:28 AM on December 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
WHAT THE FUCK? Some of my best friends were, in childhood, the kids of alcoholics. Some of my best friends are, today, the adult children of alcoholics. None of them are having a "shitty life" despite their parent(s)' addiction.
Whoa, I missed that. Yeah, my mother's a recovering alcoholic, so feel free to suck my balls, person Sidhedevil is responding to. That's just plain ignorant, and there's no excuse for ignorance.
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:30 AM on December 22, 2009
Whoa, I missed that. Yeah, my mother's a recovering alcoholic, so feel free to suck my balls, person Sidhedevil is responding to. That's just plain ignorant, and there's no excuse for ignorance.
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:30 AM on December 22, 2009
An update: (I got a sockpuppet account so Jess wouldn't have to deal with it, it's crazy in anon land right now.)
I have never left my kid in her care, just fyi. Playdates aren't a chance to get free babysitting.
I wouldn't shun her son for her behavior, that's just mean.
What I did when I showed up this morning and realized that she was putting Kaluha in her coffee was tell her that I would take her son with me, and she could have a nice relaxing day at home by herself for a change. I then suggested that she and I sit down this afternoon and visit when we got back.
After we returned, I sat down and told her that I knew about the drinking, and that it made me uncomfortable, both because I'd been down that road, and because I was concerned for her and her kid's safety. I told her that I understood how the stresses of her life right now could make anyone think the haze of the bottle make make things easier, but that it was in fact, probably making them worse. I also told her that she was a pretty un-fun drunk, and that those times made it hard for me to be around her.
I said that it was my opinion that she might want to evaluate her drinking, and define if it was something that she wanted help overcoming, but that it was her decision. But that until she brought it under control, that I wouldn't allow her drive to any group playdates, even if her Lincoln was the nicest car, nor would I tolerate her driving drunk to my house. That I hadn't outed her to the rest of the group, but that I would take that step if the behavior continued. I also said that I would report her to the police if I knew she was getting behind the wheel after drinking.
I also told her that I'd be willing to listen to her and help in any way I could if she chose to stop drinking, but that I wasn't a 12-stepper and had no experience doing any of those programs. I quit because I'd had enough and I was done. (If only I could do the same thing with cigarettes...sigh.)
There was a lot of defensiveness, and some crying, but I think she probably was relieved that someone noticed and cared enough to say something. Perhaps that's just my perspective.
We'll see what, if anything, changes. But for now, I've designated myself as the designated driver until she proves she can be trusted.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 12:57 PM on December 22, 2009 [34 favorites]
I have never left my kid in her care, just fyi. Playdates aren't a chance to get free babysitting.
I wouldn't shun her son for her behavior, that's just mean.
What I did when I showed up this morning and realized that she was putting Kaluha in her coffee was tell her that I would take her son with me, and she could have a nice relaxing day at home by herself for a change. I then suggested that she and I sit down this afternoon and visit when we got back.
After we returned, I sat down and told her that I knew about the drinking, and that it made me uncomfortable, both because I'd been down that road, and because I was concerned for her and her kid's safety. I told her that I understood how the stresses of her life right now could make anyone think the haze of the bottle make make things easier, but that it was in fact, probably making them worse. I also told her that she was a pretty un-fun drunk, and that those times made it hard for me to be around her.
I said that it was my opinion that she might want to evaluate her drinking, and define if it was something that she wanted help overcoming, but that it was her decision. But that until she brought it under control, that I wouldn't allow her drive to any group playdates, even if her Lincoln was the nicest car, nor would I tolerate her driving drunk to my house. That I hadn't outed her to the rest of the group, but that I would take that step if the behavior continued. I also said that I would report her to the police if I knew she was getting behind the wheel after drinking.
I also told her that I'd be willing to listen to her and help in any way I could if she chose to stop drinking, but that I wasn't a 12-stepper and had no experience doing any of those programs. I quit because I'd had enough and I was done. (If only I could do the same thing with cigarettes...sigh.)
There was a lot of defensiveness, and some crying, but I think she probably was relieved that someone noticed and cared enough to say something. Perhaps that's just my perspective.
We'll see what, if anything, changes. But for now, I've designated myself as the designated driver until she proves she can be trusted.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 12:57 PM on December 22, 2009 [34 favorites]
That was perfect. Wish you could mark it best!
posted by FuzzyVerde at 1:10 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by FuzzyVerde at 1:10 PM on December 22, 2009
You seemed to have handled it well OP, maybe she needs more people to point out her drinking habits to her. I am glad you were able to talk to her instead of some of the hypocritical posters on here who would only make her feel more ashamed and even drive her to drink more. I hope she uses the opportunity to get the help she needs.
As someone who is going though all the legal issues of a DUI, reporting someone for driving intoxicated without talking to them first is really crappy. It ruins your legal record for life and also costs a fortune.
My whole experience has been very enlightening for me as I have seen the hypocrisy and judgmental attitudes exhibited by some people over those who were unfortunate to get caught. Some of the posts on here just reaffirm my findings.
posted by greatalleycat at 1:15 PM on December 22, 2009
As someone who is going though all the legal issues of a DUI, reporting someone for driving intoxicated without talking to them first is really crappy. It ruins your legal record for life and also costs a fortune.
My whole experience has been very enlightening for me as I have seen the hypocrisy and judgmental attitudes exhibited by some people over those who were unfortunate to get caught. Some of the posts on here just reaffirm my findings.
posted by greatalleycat at 1:15 PM on December 22, 2009
That's pretty awesome work.
posted by hot soup girl at 7:08 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by hot soup girl at 7:08 PM on December 22, 2009
That was a brave and good thing to do.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:29 PM on December 22, 2009
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:29 PM on December 22, 2009
Bravo OP! You did a really brave thing.
posted by TooFewShoes at 7:32 AM on December 23, 2009
posted by TooFewShoes at 7:32 AM on December 23, 2009
From a recovering alcoholic, bravo. I couldn't have said or done it better.
posted by SeanMac at 8:10 AM on December 23, 2009
posted by SeanMac at 8:10 AM on December 23, 2009
You did a very brave and honorable thing. Thank you for being so kind and respectful of the situation and your friend.
posted by bilabial at 10:22 AM on December 23, 2009
posted by bilabial at 10:22 AM on December 23, 2009
Heroic compassion. If I were to create an award, it would be for small acts of heroic compassion, and you would get it. I'm crying right now -- so many people would have behaved in a weaker or meaner manner, even if only slightly, or to protect themselves only, or to avoid entirely someone whom they felt was unpleasant. You acted to make the world a better place, and to help someone who needs friendship. It may not have felt grand at the time, but I believe this is how humanity works. A thousand thousand blessings on you.
posted by amtho at 11:06 AM on December 23, 2009
posted by amtho at 11:06 AM on December 23, 2009
Inspiring, a difficult thing done with compassion and integrity. My hat's off to you, OP!
posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 12:37 PM on December 23, 2009
posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 12:37 PM on December 23, 2009
Wow, you did great. Good for you.
posted by not that girl at 1:23 AM on December 31, 2009
posted by not that girl at 1:23 AM on December 31, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by whoaali at 7:05 PM on December 21, 2009 [6 favorites]