The job offer, the boyfriend, and the dilemma
December 19, 2009 1:18 PM Subscribe
I'm considering a great job offer in another state, and what it might mean for my two-year relationship. Help me develop a framework for making some decisions about all this.
For the past two years, I've been dating a great guy. He's the sweetest man I've ever met, would do anything for me, and if I asked him to marry me tomorrow (and if it were legal; I'm also a guy), he would in a heartbeat.
Last week, I was offered a stellar job in DC (I live in Minnesota). Without my partner in the picture, I'm 95% sure I would accept the job without hesitation. It's a great fit for my skills, I love the organization, I really like the team I'd be working with and the fellow I'd be working for, I love the project I'd be helping to lead, etc. I'm currently an independent contractor, making a nice living working remotely (and temporarily) for a company in Florida. I've turned down a number of jobs while carefully considering my next step, but this feels like the right one. I'll miss Minnesota, but wouldn't mind being back on the East Coast, close to many friends and closer to family.
My partner was let go from his job earlier this year, partly because he spent too much time visiting me while I worked in another state for nine months. When I returned to Minnesota this past summer, we discussed living together, but I told him I wasn't ready. Now, he'd have absolutely no hesitation about moving with me to DC, but I still have concerns.
I'm the coldly rational guy in the relationship; he's the warm, emotional one. This is the longest, deepest relationship I've ever been in (we're both 29).* He's had one other significant relationship, and it ended badly a while after he dropped out of college to move with his lover across the country. I try not to view this last fact as foreshadowing, especially considering he's just restarted college (a distance education program, unaffected by the move).
Like any relationship, ours has highs and lows, and I have no idea which will outweigh which in the years to come. I love him. I still don't know (and I'm not sure I ever will) if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has depression, which he takes medication for, and which I've come to learn a lot about. Till now, I've been able to take our relationship a day at a time. This job offer changes that situation.
One of the reasons I hesitated to move in together previously was concern over our widely asymmetrical financial situations. I wanted to be sure he retained his financial independence in case things didn't work out. Another reason is that I really value my own space. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, and I've also never had a bad breakup - I tend to find a correlation there. On some level, I might be a classic commitment-phobe, but I think that phobia's expressed itself in mostly healthy, prudent ways.
The prospect of moving across the country together really ups the ante. We'd have to live together, and my salary would have to cover most of the [significantly higher] cost of living, at least until he finds a job. He'd be dependent on me, to a degree, and economically (as well as emotionally) devastated if "things didn't work out." But I think the pressures of cohabitation in a place where he has no job and no friends would be a difficult test for our relationship, especially with such high stakes.
If I decline a terrific offer, mostly to stay here with him, I worry that decision would have other portents for our relationship. I worry that I wouldn't be able to avoid projecting onto him some of my regret at passing on a great opportunity, the way I suspect he secretly projects onto his ex his decision to drop out of college. I also worry that after my contract work ends, the only local opportunities I'd find would be significantly inferior to the DC gig. Every job offer I've turned down so far has been in a different state, and I fear my career will force my hand sooner rather than later.
I don't think it would be feasible for us to date long-distance again. We had the leisure of visiting each other at least once a month during my 9-month sojourn. But now, I'd be strapped for time, and he'd be strapped for cash, making visits problematic. Working remotely in the new job isn't an option.
I have a great career, which is important to me, although I'm definitely not a workaholic. I don't think the calculus here is quite as simple as whether my career or my relationship comes first. I need some advice on how to talk about this with my partner, guidance on what factors I should take into consideration, thoughts on what options are available, and questions that might broaden or focus my thinking.
Thanks for reading this, and thanks in advance for your insights.
* If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you'd call me Robin, and him Marshall (in fact, just like Robin, I'm from Canada, and just like Marshall, he's from Minnesota).
For the past two years, I've been dating a great guy. He's the sweetest man I've ever met, would do anything for me, and if I asked him to marry me tomorrow (and if it were legal; I'm also a guy), he would in a heartbeat.
Last week, I was offered a stellar job in DC (I live in Minnesota). Without my partner in the picture, I'm 95% sure I would accept the job without hesitation. It's a great fit for my skills, I love the organization, I really like the team I'd be working with and the fellow I'd be working for, I love the project I'd be helping to lead, etc. I'm currently an independent contractor, making a nice living working remotely (and temporarily) for a company in Florida. I've turned down a number of jobs while carefully considering my next step, but this feels like the right one. I'll miss Minnesota, but wouldn't mind being back on the East Coast, close to many friends and closer to family.
My partner was let go from his job earlier this year, partly because he spent too much time visiting me while I worked in another state for nine months. When I returned to Minnesota this past summer, we discussed living together, but I told him I wasn't ready. Now, he'd have absolutely no hesitation about moving with me to DC, but I still have concerns.
I'm the coldly rational guy in the relationship; he's the warm, emotional one. This is the longest, deepest relationship I've ever been in (we're both 29).* He's had one other significant relationship, and it ended badly a while after he dropped out of college to move with his lover across the country. I try not to view this last fact as foreshadowing, especially considering he's just restarted college (a distance education program, unaffected by the move).
Like any relationship, ours has highs and lows, and I have no idea which will outweigh which in the years to come. I love him. I still don't know (and I'm not sure I ever will) if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has depression, which he takes medication for, and which I've come to learn a lot about. Till now, I've been able to take our relationship a day at a time. This job offer changes that situation.
One of the reasons I hesitated to move in together previously was concern over our widely asymmetrical financial situations. I wanted to be sure he retained his financial independence in case things didn't work out. Another reason is that I really value my own space. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, and I've also never had a bad breakup - I tend to find a correlation there. On some level, I might be a classic commitment-phobe, but I think that phobia's expressed itself in mostly healthy, prudent ways.
The prospect of moving across the country together really ups the ante. We'd have to live together, and my salary would have to cover most of the [significantly higher] cost of living, at least until he finds a job. He'd be dependent on me, to a degree, and economically (as well as emotionally) devastated if "things didn't work out." But I think the pressures of cohabitation in a place where he has no job and no friends would be a difficult test for our relationship, especially with such high stakes.
If I decline a terrific offer, mostly to stay here with him, I worry that decision would have other portents for our relationship. I worry that I wouldn't be able to avoid projecting onto him some of my regret at passing on a great opportunity, the way I suspect he secretly projects onto his ex his decision to drop out of college. I also worry that after my contract work ends, the only local opportunities I'd find would be significantly inferior to the DC gig. Every job offer I've turned down so far has been in a different state, and I fear my career will force my hand sooner rather than later.
I don't think it would be feasible for us to date long-distance again. We had the leisure of visiting each other at least once a month during my 9-month sojourn. But now, I'd be strapped for time, and he'd be strapped for cash, making visits problematic. Working remotely in the new job isn't an option.
I have a great career, which is important to me, although I'm definitely not a workaholic. I don't think the calculus here is quite as simple as whether my career or my relationship comes first. I need some advice on how to talk about this with my partner, guidance on what factors I should take into consideration, thoughts on what options are available, and questions that might broaden or focus my thinking.
Thanks for reading this, and thanks in advance for your insights.
* If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you'd call me Robin, and him Marshall (in fact, just like Robin, I'm from Canada, and just like Marshall, he's from Minnesota).
Ahem,
we just passed gay marriage here. Assuming Congress makes no move in the next 30 days, you're set. Highly likely to occur with Congress focused on health care and a recess coming up. This set of circumstances is not a coincidence. Just in case that is, I don't mean to rush you . . .
DC is good for jobs now. We're the government. He'll likely do just fine.
Also, love is about taking chances.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:25 PM on December 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
we just passed gay marriage here. Assuming Congress makes no move in the next 30 days, you're set. Highly likely to occur with Congress focused on health care and a recess coming up. This set of circumstances is not a coincidence. Just in case that is, I don't mean to rush you . . .
DC is good for jobs now. We're the government. He'll likely do just fine.
Also, love is about taking chances.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:25 PM on December 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
He's had one other significant relationship, and it ended badly a while after he dropped out of college to move with his lover across the country. I try not to view this last fact as foreshadowing
There is no foreshadowing in real life. Literally, there is no relationship between his past circumstances and these.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:27 PM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
There is no foreshadowing in real life. Literally, there is no relationship between his past circumstances and these.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:27 PM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
This isn't a conflict between your career and relationship at all - you've been offered a job elsewhere and your boyfriend wants to go with you. The real conflict is internal: do you want him to go or not?
Just from reading what you've posted, it sounds you do want him to go, in your gut, but you're overrationalizing why it may be a bad idea. Listen to your heart. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but you may always regret either a) not taking the job or b) telling him to stay in Minnesota.
posted by something something at 2:38 PM on December 19, 2009
Just from reading what you've posted, it sounds you do want him to go, in your gut, but you're overrationalizing why it may be a bad idea. Listen to your heart. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but you may always regret either a) not taking the job or b) telling him to stay in Minnesota.
posted by something something at 2:38 PM on December 19, 2009
Reading this, I think "either you break up now or you break up later if things go bad." I would actually vote for taking the chance now. Boyfriend is unemployed and in distance learning, which is GREAT for relocating. It doesn't get much easier than that, plus gay marriage there if you want/need to! On that level, it's really easy (assuming, of course, that he wants to go).
You're not really saving any pain if you break up now for the job, or if you break up because you didn't take it and you resent him. I say, bring him along and give it a go. I know living together is scary, it scares me too, but it sounds like it's the best option in the situation, and you may just have to bite that bullet.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:48 PM on December 19, 2009
You're not really saving any pain if you break up now for the job, or if you break up because you didn't take it and you resent him. I say, bring him along and give it a go. I know living together is scary, it scares me too, but it sounds like it's the best option in the situation, and you may just have to bite that bullet.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:48 PM on December 19, 2009
Early relationships are a gamble, in that, if you bet small you will win small. You're in love, happy, excited about the new job? Move with your lover, it could be the start of an amazing new phase of your life. The trust, care, and appreciation required will make you learn more about yourselves and each other, and make you feel better people. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
posted by smoke at 3:05 PM on December 19, 2009
posted by smoke at 3:05 PM on December 19, 2009
I think you have to grant your boyfriend agency here. It's his choice whether or not to move, and he can deal with the consequences of the choice he makes. I totally level with you here-- I also have problems with feeling like I'm "making" people make potentially risky decisions, but ultimately you have to let people choose for themselves and recognize that you're not forcing their hand. Assuming you want him to come with you in the first place, that is.
posted by threeants at 3:23 PM on December 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by threeants at 3:23 PM on December 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
Considering your age and the length of the relationship you seem very focused on making things financially equal. There are other aspects to an equal relationship than finances. If you are working hard and being the "breadwinner" do you think his contributions such as being available to run household errands, tidy, prepare meals etc "count" the same as your monetary contributions? The fact that he will not be focused on his own high-powered job means he has energy and attention that he can focus on you. Does that hold value for you?
I wanted to be sure he retained his financial independence in case things didn't work out.
I am totally projecting other situations on to you but I have heard that same statement several times from one half of a couple that wanted to have the (personal and professional) benefits of a "following spouse" without having to feel responsible for what the spouse gave up for the gain of the more "Type A" person. And in at least one case I know of, yes, the non-breadwinning spouse was screwed financially.
posted by saucysault at 4:32 PM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
I wanted to be sure he retained his financial independence in case things didn't work out.
I am totally projecting other situations on to you but I have heard that same statement several times from one half of a couple that wanted to have the (personal and professional) benefits of a "following spouse" without having to feel responsible for what the spouse gave up for the gain of the more "Type A" person. And in at least one case I know of, yes, the non-breadwinning spouse was screwed financially.
posted by saucysault at 4:32 PM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
You have been together for two years, and you are acting as it's been only two months. Two years is a long time. Either you have some formidable commitment issues, or you have a big tendency to overthink a situation. Is moving in together that terrifying? Your BF is not tied down to a job or his education, so there is no obvious obstacle to his leaving.
You need to take responsibility for your happiness. If you want this job, take it, and figure out how to make it work with your BF. Does he want to move to DC? The only way you're going to know if that is going to happen is if you talk with him about it.
If you two break up, it is going to happen, and he will have to deal with that as an adult.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:39 PM on December 19, 2009
You need to take responsibility for your happiness. If you want this job, take it, and figure out how to make it work with your BF. Does he want to move to DC? The only way you're going to know if that is going to happen is if you talk with him about it.
If you two break up, it is going to happen, and he will have to deal with that as an adult.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:39 PM on December 19, 2009
Uh, hello shadow couple!
Almost this exact scenario happened with me and my boyfriend two years ago. At the time, we had been dating for (you guessed it) two years. The only difference is that we had been living together before we moved to DC.
Moving to the DC area was a real test for our relationship. He became depressed after a few months because he couldn't find a job in his field, and we were living (poorly) off my salary. We both felt stranded - we had no family and no friends, and so we were completely dependent on each other, which sparked annoyance fights if I spent just a bit too long in Sephora or he spent just a bit too long in the Gap. There were quite a few times where I almost decided to end things just so he could go back home and be happy. And then we made deals, like "in two years, we'll move to whatever city YOU want to live in" and silly things like that.
Things are light years of better between us now. He found work doing things he likes, we have a few friends (though to be honest, we'll still quite dependent on each other.). Our relationship is much much stronger and though there were some dark points, we made it through.
But, as always, YMMV. I'm not lying - it's hard. And you might feel incredibly guilty everytime your boyfriend sends a resume and doesn't get an answer (I spent the first 9-10 months living here feeling insanely guilty that I had dragged my boyfriend with me to DC and into Depressiontown, even though it was HIS choice to come with me) and you might feel resentful that your salary is covering two people's lives (I did not feel this way ever, mainly because I was feeling too guilty, but I can see how people would).
You can memail me if you want more information!
posted by kerning at 5:21 PM on December 19, 2009
Almost this exact scenario happened with me and my boyfriend two years ago. At the time, we had been dating for (you guessed it) two years. The only difference is that we had been living together before we moved to DC.
Moving to the DC area was a real test for our relationship. He became depressed after a few months because he couldn't find a job in his field, and we were living (poorly) off my salary. We both felt stranded - we had no family and no friends, and so we were completely dependent on each other, which sparked annoyance fights if I spent just a bit too long in Sephora or he spent just a bit too long in the Gap. There were quite a few times where I almost decided to end things just so he could go back home and be happy. And then we made deals, like "in two years, we'll move to whatever city YOU want to live in" and silly things like that.
Things are light years of better between us now. He found work doing things he likes, we have a few friends (though to be honest, we'll still quite dependent on each other.). Our relationship is much much stronger and though there were some dark points, we made it through.
But, as always, YMMV. I'm not lying - it's hard. And you might feel incredibly guilty everytime your boyfriend sends a resume and doesn't get an answer (I spent the first 9-10 months living here feeling insanely guilty that I had dragged my boyfriend with me to DC and into Depressiontown, even though it was HIS choice to come with me) and you might feel resentful that your salary is covering two people's lives (I did not feel this way ever, mainly because I was feeling too guilty, but I can see how people would).
You can memail me if you want more information!
posted by kerning at 5:21 PM on December 19, 2009
I didn't see the bit in your post where you asked him what he thinks about it.
Some people never know.
Some people do know, later learn they were wrong, and spend too much time trying to find someone they can know this about again.
Some of the people who do know, then later learn they were wrong, never learn there is no such thing as 'certainty'.
It's only people in the last category that can really be considered to have 'failed' at relationships.
If you're really a couple - short-term, long-term, or indeterminate; it doesn't matter - then you should be discussing these things as a couple. It's not just your decision; it's his as well. Make the decision together.
posted by Pinback at 5:57 PM on December 19, 2009
I still don't know (and I'm not sure I ever will) if I want to spend the rest of my life with him.Some people do know.
Some people never know.
Some people do know, later learn they were wrong, and spend too much time trying to find someone they can know this about again.
Some of the people who do know, then later learn they were wrong, never learn there is no such thing as 'certainty'.
It's only people in the last category that can really be considered to have 'failed' at relationships.
If you're really a couple - short-term, long-term, or indeterminate; it doesn't matter - then you should be discussing these things as a couple. It's not just your decision; it's his as well. Make the decision together.
posted by Pinback at 5:57 PM on December 19, 2009
I'm the coldly rational guy...
but
...I try not to view this last fact as foreshadowing,...
...I've never lived with a boyfriend before, and I've also never had a bad breakup - I tend to find a correlation there.
I might be a classic commitment-phobe, but I think that phobia's expressed itself in mostly healthy, prudent ways.
I think these bits are your commitment phobia expressing itself in unhealthy, irrational ways.
posted by jacalata at 6:35 PM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
but
...I try not to view this last fact as foreshadowing,...
...I've never lived with a boyfriend before, and I've also never had a bad breakup - I tend to find a correlation there.
I might be a classic commitment-phobe, but I think that phobia's expressed itself in mostly healthy, prudent ways.
I think these bits are your commitment phobia expressing itself in unhealthy, irrational ways.
posted by jacalata at 6:35 PM on December 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't mean to psychoanalyze the things you wrote, but it does seem that you are relying a lot on ideals and culturally accepted frameworks of what certain things 'mean'. The phrases that jump out at me here:
I've turned down a number of jobs while carefully considering my next step, but this feels like the right one.
I'm the coldly rational guy in the relationship; he's the warm, emotional one.
it ended badly a while after he dropped out of college to move with his lover across the country.
I've also never had a bad breakup.
I might be a classic commitment-phobe
The prospect of moving across the country together really ups the ante.
He'd be [...] devastated if "things didn't work out."
especially with such high stakes
I fear my career will force my hand sooner rather than later.
I'm definitely not a workaholic.
If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you'd call me Robin, and him Marshall (in fact, just like Robin, I'm from Canada, and just like Marshall, he's from Minnesota).
It's possible that these phrases are just linguistic shortcuts to catch the reader up to speed on the situation without a whole lot of extra words and backstory. Or maybe this is your writing style, which is fine too. But I wonder if this is possibly reflective of deeper underpinnings of how you view the relationship and conceptualize it. If so, it may be somewhat problematic to describe yourself, him and the relationship in such categorical terms. You may be missing out on some deeper nuances of what is really going on here. I may be way off base, but its something to think about.
It really sounds to me like you are taking a hyper intellectual approach to an emotional quandary. I get the impression that this turning point in your life is less about how to proceed, but rather an assessment of a relationship and its worth. For example, I think that if you really truly felt that this relationship was rock solid, you wouldn't be having this dilemma, and you wouldn't see these two things (job offer and relationship) at such cross purposes. Conversely, if you really didn't see any future with him whatsoever, you wouldn't be having this dilemma either.
Maybe you need to take a long hard look at the relationship itself, today, as is. I would let that be your guide. And be completely honest with yourself. You can always peel back more layers to that. It's like lying on your back, with your eyes closed, trying to relax your face and unfurrow your brow. You will find that it is always possible to let go and relax even more.
I would take some scheduled time to think and get really honest with yourself about what you want, how you feel, and what you think of your partner and this relationship. Then talk to him, sharing whatever you feel is necessary. Then repeat the process, taking into account the new information that resulted from your talk. Repeat until you reach some sort of equilibrium between your internal stance and the external reality. And make necessary changes.
Also, listen to him and what he wants, fears, and thinks about any all parts of this.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:38 AM on December 20, 2009
I've turned down a number of jobs while carefully considering my next step, but this feels like the right one.
I'm the coldly rational guy in the relationship; he's the warm, emotional one.
it ended badly a while after he dropped out of college to move with his lover across the country.
I've also never had a bad breakup.
I might be a classic commitment-phobe
The prospect of moving across the country together really ups the ante.
He'd be [...] devastated if "things didn't work out."
especially with such high stakes
I fear my career will force my hand sooner rather than later.
I'm definitely not a workaholic.
If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you'd call me Robin, and him Marshall (in fact, just like Robin, I'm from Canada, and just like Marshall, he's from Minnesota).
It's possible that these phrases are just linguistic shortcuts to catch the reader up to speed on the situation without a whole lot of extra words and backstory. Or maybe this is your writing style, which is fine too. But I wonder if this is possibly reflective of deeper underpinnings of how you view the relationship and conceptualize it. If so, it may be somewhat problematic to describe yourself, him and the relationship in such categorical terms. You may be missing out on some deeper nuances of what is really going on here. I may be way off base, but its something to think about.
It really sounds to me like you are taking a hyper intellectual approach to an emotional quandary. I get the impression that this turning point in your life is less about how to proceed, but rather an assessment of a relationship and its worth. For example, I think that if you really truly felt that this relationship was rock solid, you wouldn't be having this dilemma, and you wouldn't see these two things (job offer and relationship) at such cross purposes. Conversely, if you really didn't see any future with him whatsoever, you wouldn't be having this dilemma either.
Maybe you need to take a long hard look at the relationship itself, today, as is. I would let that be your guide. And be completely honest with yourself. You can always peel back more layers to that. It's like lying on your back, with your eyes closed, trying to relax your face and unfurrow your brow. You will find that it is always possible to let go and relax even more.
I would take some scheduled time to think and get really honest with yourself about what you want, how you feel, and what you think of your partner and this relationship. Then talk to him, sharing whatever you feel is necessary. Then repeat the process, taking into account the new information that resulted from your talk. Repeat until you reach some sort of equilibrium between your internal stance and the external reality. And make necessary changes.
Also, listen to him and what he wants, fears, and thinks about any all parts of this.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:38 AM on December 20, 2009
I see a couple of things going on here (aside from the commitment issues). You aren't sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but this seems like the right job for you. You're reluctant to have him move with you because you're afraid he'd be stranded and economically in trouble.
So what you do is take the job and have a heart to heart discussion with your boyfriend about how you're feeling. You should tell him that if he wants to move with you, he needs to do it for him not just for you and mean it. So if things don't work out, his financial situation is on him.
If you just can't bring yourself to do that, you probably should tell him that you're not comfortable supporting him through this move so he can evaluate if he wants to stay with you. I mean look at it from his side maybe he wouldn't want to move across the country with you if he knew that you weren't as serious about the relationship as he was.
posted by Kimberly at 9:04 AM on December 22, 2009
So what you do is take the job and have a heart to heart discussion with your boyfriend about how you're feeling. You should tell him that if he wants to move with you, he needs to do it for him not just for you and mean it. So if things don't work out, his financial situation is on him.
If you just can't bring yourself to do that, you probably should tell him that you're not comfortable supporting him through this move so he can evaluate if he wants to stay with you. I mean look at it from his side maybe he wouldn't want to move across the country with you if he knew that you weren't as serious about the relationship as he was.
posted by Kimberly at 9:04 AM on December 22, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
- you both move there and you have an agreement about him finding a job in some defined window of time while you support him.
- he finds a job before he moves out there, optionally renting his own place.
- he finds a local job that allows him to visit you whenever you have time. here i'd recommend some cost-sharing if he's always going to be visiting you.
i think you should tell him of your concerns straight up, though. it's certainly reasonable for you to have concerns about both moving in, somewhat under duress, and concerns about his financial situation. keep in mind that he lost his last job due to neglecting it for emotional reasons.
posted by rhizome at 1:39 PM on December 19, 2009