How to help a long-term loner happy with a lady?

November 20, 2009 8:53 AM

How can I make my new partner come?? NSFW details follow.

Okay, I'm blushing but here it goes: He (male) and I (female) are late 20s / early 30s. We hooked up maybe a month ago -- hooray!! Neither of us have too much experience (2-3 past partners each). The sex is truly terrific. I do my thing once (or several) times; but he cannot orgasm except by masturbating. It's hard to say this is a "problem" for me, but I want to make him come!! Or at least help. I've tried lending a hand (ha) as well as oral, but I just can't do it myself.

I've read several previous posts on delayed or retarded ejaculation / orgasm for men, BUT they were posted by men. As the woman involved (who desperately wants to reciprocate the pleasure), what advice do you have for me? How can I make him more comfortable and secure with me (in case it's a mind thing) or how can I totally rock his world (in case it's a physical thing)?

If posting here makes you blush, too: anonsextips at gmail dot com.

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

Whatever you do: Just. Don't. Pressure him. If you're happy with everything otherwise, then keep that attitude while you explore.
posted by crickets at 8:58 AM on November 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Have you asked him about it? Bringing things up in an open, curious, and non-judgmental manner will make him more comfortable and secure with you, and if there's something that's going to totally rock his world, he has a better idea of what it is than Metafilter does.

More direct advice, I suppose: there's no magic button. Getting your guy to orgasm with you may take time. Start by having him masturbate himself to orgasm while you're cuddling, move to having him masturbate himself to orgasm while you're fondling/licking his erogenous zones, continue to take small experimental steps and see what happens. Maybe talk to him about changing his masturbation habits, if he uses the grip of death we've heard about.

Most importantly: Have fun!
posted by besonders at 9:04 AM on November 20, 2009

Masturbating while you're there is fun and hot. You can give him plenty of pleasure without being the one to bring him to orgasm. Of course, I can see why you want to reciprocate, want him to have pleasure and fun times like you're having. Remember, though, that he's not you and he doesn't have to be!

Okay, enough nagging, now advice:

Comfort and security come with time, affection, and acceptance. Give him lots of cuddles and kisses and be accepting of him and his body.

Physically, it really really depends on the guy. That said, see if you can get access to his ass. It is often overlooked but popping a finger or two in there does wonders for some guys.
posted by kathrineg at 9:08 AM on November 20, 2009

Sometimes observing the way someone does it for themselves is the best way to learn how to do it for them.
posted by idiopath at 9:24 AM on November 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Maybe try a little dirty talk if you haven't already.
posted by Justin Case at 9:29 AM on November 20, 2009

I've read several previous posts on delayed or retarded ejaculation / orgasm for men, BUT they were posted by men. As the woman involved (who desperately wants to reciprocate the pleasure), what advice do you have for me? How can I make him more comfortable and secure with me (in case it's a mind thing) or how can I totally rock his world (in case it's a physical thing)?

This is his issue. It has nothing to do with you. I think what's best is that you let him get off whatever way he can. When he's ready, he can have it looked into. With all the pressure on the female orgasm nobody thought to ask about the male one. It turns out that while not as common as the first two sexual issues with men, impotence and premature ejaculation, it is the third most common sexual issue for men. A heap of understanding from you that it isn't you and that he can still have a great sex life while he's working through this is going to go a very long way.

I'd let go of the desparate want to reciprocate on the orgasm thing. It can only make it worse. Just reverse the sexes and think how you'd advise a man with a woman who was having orgasm issues--don't pressure her, etc. Good advice applies equally to both men and women, who have a lot more in common than the advice writers would like you to think.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:34 AM on November 20, 2009

Your partner is the #1 expert in all of the world on this particular subject. No answer we can give would be nearly as correct as the answers he'll give you when you talk to him about it. And talking about sex now will make it easier to talk about other things later, and your sex life together can be exponentially more fun and happy.
posted by so_gracefully at 9:37 AM on November 20, 2009

Find out what his fantasies or fetishes are and work one into the foreplay and then intercourse. The more excited and turned on he is the more likely he'll be able to orgasm during sex with requiring the masturbation.
posted by camworld at 9:52 AM on November 20, 2009

Above all things, men want to feel welcomed. We already think we're kinda weird. We want to know that you're actually enjoying the fact that we're with you. IMO, this is the crux of the whole spitting/swallowing debate. We don't mind the spitting, we just don't want to be treated like we're shooting nuclear waste that needs to be handled with protective gear.

So, you can't bring him off and he can only masturbate? Rock his world with four simple words.

"I like to watch."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:12 AM on November 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

Oh yeah, seconding the dirty talk. It's like my secret little weapon with my male S/O.
posted by Rocket26 at 10:42 AM on November 20, 2009

When I was younger, I rarely had orgasms during sex. Honestly, I just had such a good time that when it came (heh) time to do it, I was pretty much exhausted. It's not a shortcoming you have or anything like that, at least it wasn't for me. So stop worrying about it, have a good time, and be supportive if he has specific needs that help him get where he's going (if he wants to get there.)
posted by davejay at 10:45 AM on November 20, 2009

"Give him lots of cuddles and kisses and be accepting of him and his body. "

Heh. You see that there is why you *shouldn't* ask woman how to please a man.

Here is some useful advice instead:
1. Dress sexy, be sexy, men are all about the visual.
2. Keep going, some men take a lot longer then others (some women too), don't base this on your previous relationships. Just think of all the calories you're burning! Swap positions frequently. Missionary is best for getting a male to climax sooner.
3. Obvious but use ultra thin (or no) condom. Condoms are huge reason for this problem.

I often find that long foreplay makes me last even longer during sex, so be wary of this, sometimes just getting down to business straight away is better. Something to try anyway.
posted by carfilhiot at 10:48 AM on November 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

I know that many women (myself included) get an added rush beyond their own orgasm when they can make their partner come, but I wouldn't worry about it too much right now. There are men who, for any number of reasons, can only come by masturbating--most of the time because they sort of "imprinted" upon it when that was the only action they were getting. (I'm sure I read a Dan Savage column about this.) If your partner has been able to achieve orgasm with his previous partners without masturbating, then there's more to the story between the two of you. If not, then it's something he has to look into.

Just remember, step number one in any relationship when something becomes a problem--and it's only a "problem" when it's having a truly negative effect the relationship, and you say this isn't, so that's good--is Talk To Your Partner. Be loving, be honest, and see what happens next.
posted by tzikeh at 11:07 AM on November 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

Alright I am a guy, but I have been your boyfriend in the past.

First off, if he hasn't done so already he needs to stop masturbating, not to demean you, but that is your domain now.

Second, keep trying! He will catch up to you eventually, just have a lot of sex and eventually you will figure out what works for him and his penis will get used to you, sometimes it just takes time.

Finally, dont worry about it. He woudlnt be fucking you if he didnt enjoy it, and I shouldnt have to say it, but there is a tremendous amount of satisfaction to be had for a guy when he can give more than he receives. I would stress again that it takes time and also from a sensation perspective condoms suck, so once he is used to it you will know.

Have fun.
posted by BobbyDigital at 11:46 AM on November 20, 2009

How can I make my new partner come??

Ask him.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:06 PM on November 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

This is some much-quoted, potentially relevant advice.
posted by palliser at 1:14 PM on November 20, 2009

First off, if he hasn't done so already he needs to stop masturbating, not to demean you, but that is your domain now.

seriously?? i would hope we were past this sort of idea by now. his orgasm is his domain. as his partner, she certainly has assumed rights to some of his sexuality, but she doesn't own every orgasm, nor should she want to.

as to the question: mutual masturbation, or even taking turns. you lay next to him and get off, then when it's his turn, do the things he likes while he touches himself (neck kisses, ball massaging, thigh grabbing, nipple pinches, running your hands over his chest, running your fingers through his hair, etc - but, tailored to your guy). be involved in his orgasm. let him know that no matter how he comes, you just want to see it because most important to you is getting to share the moment with him, not who was able to get him off. in the early stages of his masturbation see if he's happy to wrap his hand around your hand around his cock and jack off with your hand (as in, he moves his hand which moves your hand, which tugs at his penis). if he doesn't use lube, see if he'd be willing to let you use your mouth while he uses his hand. i find this easiest to achieve if he is jacking off and i keep my mouth just over the head of his penis so on his up stroke the head brushes against my tongue and lips. don't be an active participant, let him direct things.

but as others have said, all our suggestions are really for not as every guy likes something different. for instance, this bit of "advice" earlier in the thread:

"Give him lots of cuddles and kisses and be accepting of him and his body. "

Heh. You see that there is why you *shouldn't* ask woman how to please a man.

well, that's the exact kind of thing my guy likes. you know how i know? because he told me so.

the sexiest thing in the world to nearly everyone is having a partner who is curious about them and their sexuality, not one who is trying to do all the right things.
posted by nadawi at 2:40 PM on November 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

since we're already so far past TMI...

the idea that a guy who masturbates with a death grip is unable to achieve orgasm with a partner just isn't true for everyone. kegel exercises will go a long, long way to helping this. when i learned about kegels when i was 13 or so i started exercising them, on the bus, while walking, sitting in church, everywhere. then i learned how to squeeze them with a partner (my most successful method is squeezing on their "out stroke" and relaxing on the in and then as they get more turned on doing a sort of rapid fire, machine gun, constant flex and release - this had the added benefit of making me even more multi orgasmic than i already was).

you can strengthen your kegels with nothing inside, but there are also special devices. personally, i did a lot of my early "training" with nothing, then i graduated to inserting dildos and vibrators and pushing them out using kegels and then squeezing my muscles against the toy when i'd push it back in with my hand.

feel free to email or memail me if any of this doesn't make sense.
posted by nadawi at 2:52 PM on November 20, 2009

nadawi: "kegel exercises will go a long, long way to helping this"

I was nodding along with this, and then I realized you were talking about the woman doing kegels. It does wonders for guys too, in terms of erection strength and orgasm quality and ability to orgasm.
posted by idiopath at 3:00 PM on November 20, 2009

idiopath - ha, yes. actually, wikipedia only lists sexual benefits for men. i was just speaking towards female kegels helping mitigate the issues with the grip of death. :)
posted by nadawi at 3:31 PM on November 20, 2009

Don't know how useful this reply is, since everyone is different and everything, but...

I can come in about 45 seconds. I could do it now, more or less, before I even had time to get hard. I could produce sperm in about that time, if you put a nice picture before me, or if I had a little longer to think about nice stuff. Seriously, I could come so quick it could surprise you, and I might be soft still, because my hand knows what it's doing. I might be turned on quite briefly, or not at all, but I could make myself come in a minute quite efficiently.

Meanwhile, the single thing that turns me on more than anything is a blowjob. I love having my cock sucked above all other things in life. However, the best person I ever met at doing this made me come once. She had maybe 50 goes at it and she was terrific, but she made me come once by this means, and this, seriously, needed quite some help from me. But she was the best. What she did to me was unforgettable.

My current girlfriend is maybe the 4th or 5th best at blowjobs I've gone out with. She's pretty good, but not that enthusiastic, and doesn't vary what she does much. I find it a little boring in a way! However, she makes me come, easily, every time!

Every girlfriend I've ever had has been useless for a long time at using her hand on me, but I've kinda liked it anyway, and then finally they've got it. Current girlfriend is about as good as I am. But I have had girlfriends who clearly were never going to manage this, but that wasn't a big problem.

Obviously, if you surveyed my past girlfiends you would find loads who'd describe me as totally clumsy. Big deal!

I think what I'm saying is that for me, and perhaps other men, orgasm is so easy to achieve that what we're looking to get out of sex is something we couldn't provide ourselves.
posted by cincinnatus c at 3:49 PM on November 20, 2009

Maybe it is an issue with hormones. He should try taking some zinc and magnesium to increase his sensitivity levels and libido, they are believed to increase free testosterone. It wouldn't hurt, even if it doesn't help. Everyone needs both minerals, as long as he doesn't exceed the RDA, things will be okay.

Or...you all can always try anal. As mentioned above, if he's using the death grip, no pussy is going to compare to that pressure. An asshole will not either, but in general, obviously, they are a lot more tighter than snatches.
posted by Eleutherios at 4:15 PM on November 20, 2009

kathrineg: "popping a finger or two in there does wonders for some guys"

Eleutherios: "they are a lot more tighter than snatches"

That aint the kind of anal she was talking about.
posted by idiopath at 4:38 PM on November 20, 2009