How do we even begin to deal with the murder of our friend?

November 10, 2009 5:04 PM

My boyfriend and I have a friend who was just killed for seemingly no reason. I am trying to come to terms with this, and help him at the same time.

Less than a week ago, one of my boyfriend's best friends was found shot and killed. No suspects, no motive, no way of currently knowing how he got where he was found. He was a great friend to my boyfriend, as they are both from the same small town and relocated here. He would come over often and stay for a day or two with us. One of his work shirts is still hanging in our closet.

I suppose my question has many parts, and is both specific to the terrible way in which we lost him, and pertinent to grieving in general.

First, how do I best help my boyfriend through this? I knew his friend for the duration of our relationship (3-4 years), but he has known him since childhood. He has been very stoic, but has never even lost a grandparent and I want to do everything possible for him. I have lost many family members, but it was always through illness or old age. This is a different beast entirely.

How do we deal with the fact that we may never know who did this to him, or why it happened? I know homicide investigations take quite a while, but it is torturous to imagine never knowing anything more. Should we contact the detectives working on this case again for updates, or just... wait? Since we are not family, I am not sure if there is set protocol on this.

Is there some sort of set of guidelines, a book recommendation or something else, to know what to do right now to cope? My family and friends are calling, but I don't feel like seeing anyone. I forced myself to do a couple things with friends last weekend, and went to work on Saturday, but I was pretty exhausted afterward. I have taken this week off from work and school, and am trying to work up the energy to even email in my homework. I've just kind of been a numb lump on the couch, for the most part. I guess this is par for the course, but is there something more productive I could be doing with my time? Will keeping busy with normal activities help to distract from the crushing reality? ...Or, is being distracted even good? Is it better to deal with this first before entering the real world again?

I'd like to turn off the graphic images in my head. I lay out all of the possible things that could have happened, all the horrible things that could have been done to him. I wonder if he knew he was going to die before it happened. I hope he wasn't scared. I feel like this type of thinking is detrimental to my health and sleep patterns, but can't turn it off.

Additionally, in the long term, are there good strategies/activities to make our days a little brighter? At the moment, there is a huge hole in our lives, but I randomly started looking at pictures of kittens up for adoption today and it was a pleasant distraction for a bit. Now we are talking about maybe getting a kitty sometime in the immediate future. Would it be wise to jump into something like that so soon, or should we wait on the decision to expand our "family"?

As a side note, I approached the subject of grief counseling with my boyfriend, and even looked up a few therapists in the area. He said, "not yet, maybe after the funeral." We both know it will be beneficial to go through that process soon.

Any and all anecdotes, wise words, stories, etc. are welcome. I know I asked about 25 questions. Thank you all in advance.

Throwaway email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (19 comments total)

The somewhat-oddly-named MurderVictims.com website has discussion boards, including one specifically for the family and friends of people whose murders are unsolved.

I am very sorry for your loss.

And even if your boyfriend is not ready for counseling yet, you might be. If you're losing sleep, counseling might help.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:18 PM on November 10, 2009

my sympathies and condolences to you and your boyfriend. it's always hard to lose a loved one and adding the twists of sudden and unexplainable are gut wrenching.

i would suspect that your need to know the cause, force yourself to do something, and discussions of grief counseling is how you're coping, and quiet stoicness is how your boyfriend is coping. neither of these methods are wrong. in fact, everyone handles grief differently and there's no right or wrong way to be feeling.

are you familiar with the stages of grief? it might help explain some of what you're feeling, just to give you an internal dialogue of what to expect. keep in mind that you and him can change how you're feeling about all this at the drop of a hat.

as for how to help your boyfriend, you'll have to take his cues on that. be supportive and listen, both with your ears and with your perception, to things he might need. he might push you away at times, he might go from wanting to reminisce to not wanting to mention it for weeks without going into a depressed state or a rage. if you both just remember that at the core you love each other, ways to help him should show themselves. don't be afraid to ask (but not to pester) him about how you can help - keep him fed, even if he doesn't want to eat, encourage him to sleep and to get some sunshine every day. he'll work through his grief and you'll work through yours and at the end you'll probably also learn a lot about yourself, him, and your relationship.
posted by nadawi at 5:27 PM on November 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

If it's any comfort, your friend's murder is more likely to be solved than you seem to think. Just as a for instance, there being no immediate explanation for where your friend's body was found is a clue, not a hindrance, to the investigation. (If he went there willingly, there's going to be a electronic trail for what led him there; if he didn't, the car that brought him there was seen, or left tracks, etc.)
posted by MattD at 5:43 PM on November 10, 2009

Please have your boyfriend (and you, if you think it would be useful) consider a support group of some sort. Maybe not today, maybe a month, 6 months, a year from now, when it feels right.

When my son died in a motorcycle accident at the age of 20, it was attending a support group for people who had lost children that got me through....

and, I'm open to a mefi mail from either of you if it would be helpful...

he will pull through this.... although it may not seem like it at the moment.
posted by HuronBob at 5:49 PM on November 10, 2009 [5 favorites]

Did he have family? As bad as you're feeling at the sudden and inexplicable loss of a friend, they must be even worse off. Unless they're really awful people he wasn't on good terms with (and hey, maybe even if they are) it might do you some good to connect with them. You could make things a little easier on them by talking about him and by offering practical help (bringing them food if they're nearby, helping with funeral arrangements if not,) which would also be a way for you to keep occupied as you work through your grief. What an awful thing. Sorry.
posted by contraption at 5:53 PM on November 10, 2009

I am very, very sorry to hear of your loss. I'm afraid that I've not much to offer in the way of advice. But, I do want to share my recent experience with something very similar. Two months ago, an old friend and co-worker was found shot dead, under extremely strange circumstances.

The one bit of advice I have for you is that you shouldn't focus too much on learning how he died. Believe me, I've been there, but I can tell you from hard experience that it is not always a good thing to know. More information has come out around the circumstances of my friend's death, and and I can tell you that hearing about what happened hasn't been one bit of comfort to me, and I'm damn sure it's not a comfort to his widow. Truth be told, knowing the circumstances of my friend's death just makes the whole thing suck even worse, and I really wish I'd never heard.

I don't know if it will be any comfort to you, but feel free to memail me if you want to compare or share experiences.
posted by deadmessenger at 6:01 PM on November 10, 2009

I have gotten so much strength from reading occasionally from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. Regardless of your beliefs, meditating on the realities of death is an important and inevitable part of life, but without a little structure it's easy to wallow, to go in circles. A book like this really serves as a platform to explore your feelings and questions.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you learn more.
posted by hermitosis at 7:39 PM on November 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

A friend of mine died a few years ago in a horrific way. I spent week or so after obsessing about every possible detail (some like yours... did she realize? how did she feel? etc.)- looking back I think it was my way of making it real. This doesn't mean getting the actual information, but letting yourself think about it will let your mind finish up with going over all the possibilities so it can go in other directions.

There isn't a pattern or what you 'should' do, that's why it's so hard to deal with. The five stages idea is a concept derived from extensive observation, not a template that our behaviours have resulted from. It's good for seeing where things come from (especially why you might be very angry sometimes), or being aware of your feelings, but again it isn't a guide as to how you should feel.

I like poems, having words to repeat over and over in my mind seems so much better than my own thoughts; Milton's Lycidas is one that always comes to mind where loss is concerned.

Be a good friend to your boyfriend, and remind yourself that although you are mourning the same individual, the relationships are very different. There's something very special about someone you are close to during 16-21ish time frame; losing someone from that time in particular feels as if you've lost a connection between the child and adult you.

Also, leave the shirt in your closet for now if you're ok with that.
posted by variella at 7:51 PM on November 10, 2009

You might really benefit from going to a grief counselor. That person can help you work through your emotions, and also help you know what to expect...obviously everyone's reactions are different and nothing is "abnormal" or "weird," but there are certain feelings/stages of grief and a professional can help you understand and navigate them.
posted by radioamy at 8:03 PM on November 10, 2009

Visiting or reaching out to his family might help -- I know you said you don't want to see anyone, but they would have a very clear sense of what you're going through (and are probably very much in need of support). Making dinner for them might be totally exhausting, or it might be a nice distraction -- either way, it would be a concrete task to focus on for awhile.

I know its hard, but just sitting with friends might help. Even if you don't say anything, it may help to just have some quiet time around other people. Being in the house alone can get maddening, and can easily become a vacuum -- which is kind of traumatizing in its own right. (and I'm so, so sorry for your loss)
posted by puckish at 8:27 PM on November 10, 2009

I'm not sure if this will be helpful, but way back in college my boyfriend's former roommate and best friend was murdered. As it turns out, he was murdered by his new roommate. So there was a great deal of guilt and grief that we had to deal with. Both of us were in our early twenties and this was the first real death of someone our age. It hit everyone in our group hard, and because of the time, none of us got counseling or any sort of therapy.

Instead, we shared a lot of stories about him, we were kinder to each other than we had been before, and all of us made a concerted effort to let our friend's mother and fiancee know how much we still loved him and them. For my boyfriend, I did everything I could to support him and let him know he had all the time in the world to grieve. The hardest part was when a few months later we had some relationship issues, and I had to play the best friend role for him as well as girlfriend.

It was hard. They caught the guy and he's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life, but it didn't bring our friend back, and I still think about him and wonder how he would have grown up if given the chance, and it's been over a decade.

Good luck, and my deepest sympathies for your loss. Remember, this won't go away quickly, if ever. But you both will get through it.
posted by teleri025 at 8:37 PM on November 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm so sorry. And yes, it's hard not to dwell on what happened before he died -- was he scared, did he suffer -- but keep reminding yourself that it's over. He's not scared, he's not suffering, he's at peace, and nothing can hurt him now.
posted by OolooKitty at 8:55 PM on November 10, 2009

I think some aspects of my experience might be relevant to you. My dad had an aneurysm when I was 14. Died instantly, but not violently. Here are my thoughts:

1. Stoicism is a perfectly good way to deal with death. I had to be strong for my mom, and that helped me keep it together until I felt ready to grieve myself. Giving him someone to care for might help - and I imagine your friend's family is in need of someone to take care of them right now.

2. Get back to routine when you feel like it. I went back to school after about a week, just because I needed to do something. My mom didn't go back to work for about a month because she couldn't do anything. There's no right answer. You tried work and it sucked, so you're taking a week off - sounds like the right approach to me.

3. Make sure that, if/when you seek support, you're getting it from people who understand (Sidhedevil's suggestion way up there seems like a good start, but just focusing on therapists and support groups with this kind of experience will help). I was in counseling for awhile with a handful of other children who had lost parents - all to cancer. It was completely unhelpful, because their parents had suffered and dwindled while mine had more or less vanished. It made me feel very alone, like my experience was just something I made up. I suspect that you really don't want that. Ask pointed questions before choosing a therapist or group, whenever that seems right for each of you.

Um... this is a ludicrous hunch, but if you're in my area and there's anything I can do, please mefi mail me. Really.
posted by McBearclaw at 12:27 AM on November 11, 2009

Lots of good advice here. I've seen more than my share of violent death and would caution you that those who process their grieving through the investigation/court case have a hard time. Those events don't move at the same pace as the healing of your own heart, and thus people who are bereft and also tied to the criminal case tend to get "stuck" as the investigation or case drags on. Work on your own feelings and supporting your BF, and let the criminal case go unless/until a perpetrator is found and charged -- and even then I wouldn't tie your life into the case.

I'd add that a pet adoption sounds like a great idea. It is incredible what good therapy it is to love an animal. I rescued my dog the week before my beloved Dad died unexpectedly, and he (my dog) was a lifesaver for me.
posted by bearwife at 12:28 AM on November 11, 2009

I'm sorry for your loss. I have never lost someone so violently, but I just wanted to comment that I spent 10 months taking care of my dying mother and during that time, I adopted a kitten. I just needed to have something around that was healthy, happy and not involved in terminal cancer. It helped. I still have him, he is now 6 years old. And he is a nice connection to my mother, not a bad one. If it makes you happy and gives you distraction (and your BF is not opposed to it) I don't think the care of a kitten is going to be so much work as to be harmful and may bring comfort to you.
posted by Bueller at 4:07 AM on November 11, 2009

I'm sorry you and your boyfriend have lost such a good friend.

When my cousin, his wife and her son were murdered a few years ago, we were all stunned. I was unable to attend the funeral or be directly involved in the family's healing process because I live so far away. So, I found I spoke a lot about my cousin to my husband and remembered times from our childhood together. I had a cake delivered to my Aunt and Uncle's house. What helped me the most, however, were some letters I wrote. I wrote to my Aunt and Uncle and extended my sorrow. In the letter, I also conveyed to them what he meant to me and relayed some positive memories of him. I then wrote a letter to their daughter, my cousin's sister. We were 12 when she was born and I remember how excited he was about her. He named her. In my letter to her, I spent more time focusing on what I observed over the years about how much her brother loved her and was proud of her. My hope was that my letters would share positive memories and love of my cousin to his family. While it can never take away their pain at his truly horrific murder, it meant a lot to them to know why he was loved and it helped me express my sense of love and loss. Maybe a letter from your boyfriend or you to his family would help you as it did me.

For my Mom, she stepped in and helped arrange his funeral. She cooked for my Aunt and Uncle repeatedly. She looked for ways to make their daily burden just a little lighter. That's how she directed her grief.

As for his case, let the information come to you. You may never know all the details and, I assure you, some you may not want to know. Hopefully, the case will be solved and you'll all get some answers. Even if you do, it doesn't necessarily ease your grief.
posted by onhazier at 7:28 AM on November 11, 2009

I'm so sorry. I recently lost a friend and his funeral was a huge step towards healing for me. I didn't really "get" that he was dead. It's hard to explain. But I understand why your boyfriend would not want to do the therapy thing until after the funeral. Give him some time to sort it out inside himself and then he'll be more capable to speaking about it to you and a councilor.

Crying is good. Crying helps. But crying all the time is not good. Let yourself really mourn, but then have other things scheduled or planned so you're forced out of the funk and back into life.

When he wants to talk, let him. Don't argue or scold or anything, just listen. Smile, nod, be supportive, let him vent his anger (non-violently) or sadness - and while you shouldn't push the issue of seeing someone, it is absolutely a good idea for both of you. Wondering why it happened is fruitless - focus yourself on positive activities and thoughts. Paint the house! Plant stuff. Buy a bonsai tree, and do tons and tons of research about bonsai and make the tree awesome. Take a walk around a lake or on the beach.

Distractions are good. Doing things they did together might bring comfort, or it may make it worse. Grief is funny in that everyone reacts to it differently.

Hope this helps a bit. Hang in there.
posted by caveat at 9:37 AM on November 11, 2009

I lost a friend last year - she was murdered, in an exceptionally brutal way, and we'll probably never know what really happened. Like you talk about, I spent a lot of time crying and wondering why - and thinking about those last awful moments. Traumatic death traumatizes everyone left behind too.

It's hard to say what's helped .. my family, my group of friends, all the people she knew and lives she touched, time. About six months after it happened, people had organized a memorial, although I couldn't bring myself to stay through it. Music, art, lots of stories, lots of people, and lots of tears as well as laughing. Realizing that she had such an enormous impact on the world and so many people in it might have been the most helpful - even though your friend is gone, he's still with you.

I remember to play all the songs she taught me. I remember everything she struggled and worked for in her life, the things we shared, even though we had fallen in and out of touch the last couple years due to travel and life.

My mom passed away three months ago, and the grieving process feels, although similar, much more .. comprehensive? profound? like turning the grief up to 11?

I see a counselor every week, and I think having that kind of safe space to unload and process the rollercoaster of emotion can be really good. grief can be so overwhelming, I think it's easy for us to censor ourselves and repress a lot of the emotion, because we don't want to burden other people with this crushing weight. In the same way, it can feel easier in a way to let a missing friend become an elephant in the room - someone we don't talk about, we don't acknowledge, because of that loss. ymmv.

I'll nth the talking - it feels good, or at least helpful for me to be able to talk about my friend, about my mom. To say "haha, my mom would have loved that joke", or "do you remember that project she used to be involved in?" - to know that they're still with me, in a way. Don't get me wrong, it's hard, sometimes I just want to cry (and do) when I see something and realize how much my mom loved that, or how stupid she thought this movie was, or how I wish I could call her up and talk to her.

it'll get better. a cat's not a bad idea, assuming that you did want to get a cat regardless - having my dog last year was a huge source of comfort, and when things felt too overwhelming, a pet that needs you and likes you can be great. i'm a dog fan, personally, as you have to walk the damn things, and the exercise is good.

I feel like I haven't given you any real guidelines, so, here:
-try to spend time with people. most importantly, the people that you can "be real" with - your friends who aren't going to shy away from your grief and anger when it comes up, people you don't need to put on a face for.
-try to acknowledge your loss, but, try to set aside time for it. for me, putting aside this time where i decided i was going to acknowledge my grief and loss has helped keep it from completely overwhelming my every waking moment.
-i don't know any books that deal with grief, i'm sorry.
-it's really trite, but honestly, volunteering has helped me a lot. i volunteer once a week at a needle exchange, and getting out and doing something with a real tangible positive effect can be so therapeutic.
-don't beat yourself up if you don't feel like emailing people, or calling anyone, or talking to anyone. there's not really any right or wrong way to feel, act, or grieve when it comes to these things (okay, within reason). i felt really guilty for not emailing/calling/sending thank yous to anyone for a couple months, but ... people understand.
-if you feel angry, it's okay. rage on. be angry. it sucks.
-try to take care of yourself. don't let yourself start feeling like you need to beat yourself up or suffer -- as if that will make it better somehow.

it will get better.
posted by circle_b at 1:02 PM on November 11, 2009

I am so terribly, terribly sorry.

A childhood friend of mine was murdered in June. She was not part of my daily life in the way that it sounds like this friend was for you, but it has still been hard to deal with. I would say, for your boyfriend, be gentle. Listen if he needs it, distract him if he needs it, leave him alone if he needs space. Don't be hurt if you try to have a conversation and he spaces out, or he starts crying, or something. I found it helpful to talk to someone who would let me start and stop talking about her whenever I needed. My boyfriend was particularly sweet and affectionate, and that was really nice. As for you, give yourself permission to be a lump on the couch for awhile. If you're not ready to do something, don't do it. It is good to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it's just a walk around the block. If other friends offer to help, take them up on it and ask them to clean your house or cook you dinner. I'm sure they would really like to do whatever they can. You'll get to a point where you want distraction and then you can think about being productive. Which might just mean doing laundry, honestly. Your boss and teachers will understand and cut you slack. It might be good to ask other friends to check in with you; that way if you don't have the energy to call them, you can still get a bit of social contact in.

Other things: I started out obsessively reading the news coverage, and then realized it was really, really better not to know, because the details were so terrible it only made me angrier and sadder. You might not want to know more, honestly, I wish I didn't know. I was already seeing a therapist, but I had a couple of sessions where I just talked with her about this, and I think it helped. So you, and your boyfriend when he's ready, might want to look into that. Even one or two sessions might be good. I think a kitten is a great idea, but you might want to wait a few weeks until you're both a little more stable.

If there is something your friend really cared about, you might want to make a donation in his name, or volunteer. My friend was killed by her ex, so I made a donation to a domestic violence shelter, and that helped a tiny bit, knowing I was doing a little tiny something to prevent this from happening to anyone else. When I am feeling like I can handle it emotionally, I'll do more, like volunteer in person, but I'm not ready for that yet.

Going to the funeral was really hard, but ultimately made me feel a little better to see her family and my family and our other childhood friends and be together. I think funerals are often really helpful.

It'll come up randomly when you see somewhere you went together or hear a song or see someone that looks like him. Allow yourself to feel that sorrow when it comes, or be angry when it comes. Many hugs to you, anon.
posted by min at 3:12 PM on November 11, 2009