Hi, I'm an incompetent moron!

October 23, 2009 1:49 AM

I have a new job where I'm going to get yelled at a lot. What are your tips for becoming comfortable with getting yelled at a lot, or your tips for defusing such a situation?

I have a new job, which I love, but which is going to involve me getting yelled at on a semi-regular basis for reasons that will sometimes be legitimate and sometimes be totally stupid. The person yelling* at me could be anything from some drunk who's retired and living his life surrounded by cats and empty beer cans and total incoherence, or it could be, oh, let's say the mayor of a medium-sized city, or an ordinary cop, or a PR person. Or a VP from my very organization. Or some college student calling to tell me I'm probably ugly.

Some people will be sober and have legitimate complaints. Generally the fault will not be mine, but institutional or technical. Those aspects aren't really important.

It's a 'temperatures sometimes run high' position, it's a basic part of the job. I'm realistic about this, but would like to get some more in my tool kit so that when I'm ready, I'm in the best position to deal with it that I can be.

So: what's how can I best manage the situation, emotionally and conversationally?

*I'm saying 'yelling' but mean the whole umbrella of abusive tirades, personal insults, general human venting, threats of violence, snarky insinuations of incompetence, and drunken rants. Really, the gamut.

posted by A Terrible Llama to Human Relations (31 answers total)

Oh, I really should have specified on the phone. On the phone.


On very rare situations, in circumstances I find horrible to imagine, somebody might show up to do it in person, maybe in genuine emotional distress. But mainly my focus is the phone and email. The phone is more challenging, because you can't gather your thoughts before responding.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:56 AM on October 23, 2009

My head hurts from trying to figure out what this job is that gets you yelled at by mayors and college students alike.

(What, you send out parking tickets?)

I think patience and not rising to the bait of an argument is the key to dealing with angry people. Pause for a long time whenever they pause from their venting. Respond very calmly, and speak a bit more slowly than you might usually.

Don't respect by mimicking their tone or volume. Don't get sucked into a tangent that isn't the actual problem.

Stick to the facts or options that are actually available to the person, and calmly repeat the actual things that you can do for them, rather than arguing back about what you cannot do, why something happened, and why.
posted by rokusan at 1:59 AM on October 23, 2009

The phone is more challenging, because you can't gather your thoughts before responding.

Yes, you can. You have to, in fact. Jumping to answer quickly is the best way to continue or escalate an argument. Slowing everything down is good for defusing one.
posted by rokusan at 2:00 AM on October 23, 2009

Are you just a complaint recorder, or do you have authority to actually effect some action?
posted by Neiltupper at 2:12 AM on October 23, 2009

Sorry, wanted to clarify two things -- I can take some action, sometimes, and will if I can.

A lot of this is likely to be apologizing and defusing--I'll take action if I can, but sometimes the horse left the barn.

I wanted to add: Ideally, I would like these people to feel better after talking to me, and I would like to not jump out a window after talking to them.

Rokusan: the media. It touches us all.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:16 AM on October 23, 2009

I work in a similar environment where people on the phone are often angry or desperate. I have in fact undergone training to deal with 'extreme behaviour' complainants. The best way to deal with these people is to be aware that, when they're shouting/ranting, they're not listening to anything that's said to them, so it's usually fairly pointless for you to need to say anything in return.

- The number one rule is - STAY CALM. By keeping calm, you'll stay in control.

- Don't engage. Let them rant. Do NOT give signals that you're still there, by saying "I understand" or "I see". This might sound odd, but as long as the customer is getting signals that you're still listening, they'll keep talking.

- If they're making actual relevant points or giving you information you need, note it down as they speak. Don't interrupt them to ask a question.

- Eventually they'll run out of steam, particularly if they're not getting the argument they were hoping for. Then say "I understand your strength of feeling about this. I'll make sure there's a full note on the file of all your concerns." And then tell them what the next stage will be to progress their case/complaint/whatever.

- If at that stage you have any questions arising from what they've said, that's the time to ask for clarification of anything that's not clear or any further info you need.

- Don't let them become abusive. People I deal with often swear while they're talking to me, but there's a difference from swearing in conversation "I can't f**king believe they did that!" and calling me a "f**king bitch".

- If people swear in conversation, I let it go a few times, but if it's all f-bombs, I say "I'd appreciate it if you could refrain from using that language". Sometimes people just don't realise that they're dropping the f-word and c-word into every sentence. But if they swear at, or insult, you personally, say to them "please don't talk to me like that. If you speak to me like that again, I'll have to terminate the call." Then if they do it again, you say "I did say that I would terminate the call if you spoke to me like that again, so I am now ending this call" and put the phone down. (I am assuming, here, that there is some workplace policy against harassment and abuse from customers. You have the right not to be abused by customers.)

- Whatever you do, don't yell back at them. As soon as that happens, they've won.
posted by essexjan at 2:30 AM on October 23, 2009

If people are shouty, turn down the volume on your headset until they are at a normal speech volume.
posted by emilyw at 3:32 AM on October 23, 2009

I worked with a woman who would yell in agreement. "YOU"RE RIGHT! IT IS UNFAIR! WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT AWAY!" She claimed it diffused the situation really fast because the yeller felt like you were actually listening, and it felt good.
posted by debbie_ann at 3:49 AM on October 23, 2009

I used to work on a customer service desk in a builders merchants. I've been called to all intents and purposes. I even had one guy once swinging a pickaxe handle around (he wanted to return it but it had obviously been used). I know what it's like to work in this sort of environment.

Always remember the following things:

1. It's not about you. There could be anybody on the phone, even the Queen of Sheba, and the customer will still rant and rave. They don't care about you, "A Terrible Llama". You as a person do not matter to them at all. Therefore, when they call you a bitch, they're not calling you a bitch. You just happen to be the person listening to them. It took me ages for this one to click, but once it does, you're most of the way there.
2. You deserve not to have to listen to a stream of profanity. [I once interrupted a guy who was using foul language and said to him that he either ceased to swear at me, or I would end the conversation. The next time he swore, I walked away. In fact, I went upstairs and watched him on the CCTV. About 5 minutes later, one of my colleagues spoke to him, and he was as nice as pie.] You have the power to hang up the phone. Always. All you have to do is warn the person that you will not tolerate swearing, and then follow through on that if they continue. Tell them that you're going to hang up the phone, and then do so.
3. Let them rant. Eventually, like any kettle, they will run out of steam. Until they run out of steam, nothing you can say or do will help. In fact, interrupting them at this point will only inflame the situation. When they're done, repeat back to them what they said, and ask them if it's accurate. Come to an agreement on what the problem is, and what they wish to do.
4. After the summary is the point at which you offer a solution. It's up to them to accept it, or not. If there's an alternative, offer that, but if not, make it clear that there is no alternative. They might rant and rave again. Go back to point 3. Repeat until it sinks in.
5. Always stay calm. They are ranting and raving, but it doesn't mean that you have to be angry or scared in return. Just take deep breaths and find your calm place, or whatever works for you. Think of their anger as a present they're trying to give you - you don't have to receive it.
6. Emotionally hide behind your policies. I had a guy rant at me this morning at work, because I wouldn't give him some change from the till. It's company policy not to do this, and I explained that to him. He ranted, and I just sat and watched him. When he realised he wasn't going to get any other reaction than "It's company policy" delivered in a clam, measured tone, he walked off. Problem dealt with.
7. The first time this happens, you'll probably be shaken. I certainly was. But every time it happens, you get more and more used to it, and more and more zen. Because it's not about you.
Hope this helps.

posted by Solomon at 3:54 AM on October 23, 2009

I suggest NotAlwaysRight.com as place to vent about, and perhaps to pick up tips for dealing with, an unruly, whiny public.
posted by adipocere at 3:54 AM on October 23, 2009

I've worked in customer service before, and I'm sorry to say that no matter how detached you remain throughout each bad call, it will eventually get to you. For me, I only lasted about a year before I had to call it quits--too many bad calls were starting to unnerve me and bleed into my life after work. If that happens to you, I suggest you find a new line of work.
posted by zardoz at 3:56 AM on October 23, 2009

Let's pick a number, say 1.17. Alright, 1.17% of the population are assholes who want to create drama and drag you into it. They do this all the time to every one around them but they're especially good at doing this to people who can't get away from them, like say people whose job it is to deal with the public. If you don't plan ahead, then these people will poison your interaction with the remaining 98.83% of the population . That's because when the 1.17 per-centers come to you with a problem they don't want a solution. They just want to rant and argue. So every solution you offer, every communication tactic you employ won't help you with these people. If you let them surprise you will be deep in whatever conflict swamp these people bring to you before you can blink. The only thing you can do is recognize the 1.17 people as soon as possible, detach, and do your job while not letting them get to you. If you don't, that one interaction with them will color your entire day.

I'm not saying that everybody that yells at you is one of these people. Most of the people who are yelling at you are probably healthy people. They might be momentarily stressed out. Yelling may be a just a part of a different communication style for them. You might be working a job where yelling is pretty normal. You've just got to recognize the wackos early on and know how you're going to handle them. Then you can work on how to handle the interactions with the remaining 98.83% some of whom will also yell at you and appear unreasonable.

Also it helps to remember, for both the 1.17% and the 98.83%, that whatever you're helping them with is their problem, not yours. You're going to go on break in a few minutes and if they don't let you help them their car will still be the impound lot, they won't be on the next flight, or whatever problem they have will still be there.
posted by rdr at 4:15 AM on October 23, 2009

Try to find humour in the situations you describe. Write down the worst/strangest/funniest complaints/rants and share them with your coworkers every Friday. Maybe you could eventually write a book about dealing with rude people.
posted by iviken at 4:18 AM on October 23, 2009

I worked for about a year as a supervisor in the Refuse department of the City where I was living. The person who answered the complaint line worked for me, so whenever someone didn't like what she was saying and wanted to speak to a supervisor, the call came to me. So they were already warmed up and mad about what they were hearing. And the secret was that the customer was almost always, always wrong.

And people get really mad about their trash. Incredibly mad. I was called terrible, terrible names when I had that job. It was really absurdly amusing to witness the terrible anger some people had about their trash not getting picked up when they thought it should.

But anyway, I found that if i let them rant for about three minutes, they'd run out of steam and get it out of their system, like essexjan said. Then I could either a) help them solve the problem, or 2) explain the policy they had run afoul of. It was usually the latter, because their cans were too heavy, or hadn't been set at the curb in time. But once they had raved for a while, and felt like someone had heard them, they were usually cool.

I only had that job for about a year, so it never really got me down. But then, I'm the kind of person who finds angry people to be really funny, so that helped. I wish I had had the technical know-how to record some of those calls, though. Comedy gold.
posted by Shohn at 5:04 AM on October 23, 2009

My first job as a clerk for a floor trader was similar to that. He would yell at me for good reason or no reason. He would yell when his lunch was late or he had a trade break. He would yell if he made a bad trade and demand to know why I "let him make that trade". Not only did I get used to it, but I used to dread the silences. They meant something really was wrong.

To diffuse, I often would simply say, "You are right. How can I correct it?" I would use a variation at your job. I would say, "You are correct (assuming they are). Here is what I am authorized to do to address the situation. I know it is not undoing the damage, but it is all I can do at this time. Do you want me to do it?"

As for how to handle the constant abuse, recognize that it is not personal and appreciate the fact that by letting them vent, you have done a very good deed for the day. As Ralph Cramden would say, "Pins and needles, needles and pins. A happy man is a man that grins."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:16 AM on October 23, 2009

In the food service biz, the helpful (if a bit cheesy) industry acronym often taught when dealing with customer complaints is HEART: Hear, Empathize, Apologize, Respond, Thank.

Listen to the problem as fully and patiently as possible. Often times, if people start out the complaint heated, you can keep it from escalating if they feel like you're REALLY hearing their special-snowflake problems. Sometimes it helps to ask questions to clarify, or just echo their thoughts back to them in your own words so they know you're taking it all in.

Acknowledge their complaint and validate their response (generally, even if you think it's out of proportion or if you find the complaint ridiculous or petty) with something along the lines of: "Well, I can definitely see why you'd be upset, sir, I know I'd feel the same way..." and follow it up with something like, "On behalf of [company or whatever], I just want to apologize you had that experience/issue."

By the time I was ready to respond to the problem, I had already built up a little bit of rapport with the customer by empathizing with them, and so sometimes I would get a little bit more familiar and folksy with them to kind of bring some levity to the situation: "You know I'm right there with you on that, sir! I can definitely understand your frustration, and I have a few options I want to run by you to try and fix this." or "Well, we're in this thing together now, and I think I have a plan to do right by you: how would you feel about..." And then you can pitch your solution or a couple solution options. If you have to pass them off to someone else, explain in detail what you are going to do. "Unfortunately, it's not within my powers to help you directly, but what I'm going to do is connect you with such-and-such. He/she is the manager/supervisor-of-department, and deals with these kinds of issues. He'll be able to listen to your problem and provide a solution I think you'll be satisfied with..."

(Note: don't ever say "What can I do to make this right?" This will either piss them off, because YOU should be telling them what you can do for them, or they will come up with something themselves that is probably outside of what an appropriate response would be.)

Thank: "Thank you so much for bringing this issue to my attention, we really try very hard to ensure quality whatever and it's important for us to get feedback like this, again my name is______ and please don't hesitate to contact me/us again in the future if you have any other issues."

I've actually had a lot of success diffusing problem customers with this basic routine, and actually had people ask for me to shake my hand before leaving, or leave nice notes thanking me for working through their issue. It doesn't always work for everyone (obviously, there are some assholes who can never be helped) but often times, when you are able to satisfy a customer, and make them feel like they were actually valued, and they let you know they really appreciated you, it's actually kind of a day brightener.
posted by hegemone at 6:38 AM on October 23, 2009

I don't ever get real-life yelled at because of my MetaFilter job, but I do get the occasional abusive email. This is not quite the same but I'll tell you what makes this work for me: crystal clear lines of what sort of crap I am supposed to deal with as part of my job versus the things that are not me doing my job and just abusive nonsense that I don't have to handle.

So, knowing at what point in the transaction you can and should say "You can't actually talk to me that way" and either "I'm hanging up the phone" [or whatever the line is where you work] or "you'll have to talk to my supervisor" and then knowing that your supervisor has your back. This should be an open discussion that you have with your supervisor, how much hollering is okay and when it crosses the line into a hostile work environment.

I used to work doing tech support for a DSL company and I'd occasionally get yelled at and it was my opinion that it was not my job to take abuse and I'd pass those calls along. This was supported by the general workplace environment. Some places aren't like that. Figure out wher the lines are in your workplace.
posted by jessamyn at 7:02 AM on October 23, 2009

Some great comments here. I would like to add that you will begin to see patterns emerge and these patterns will help you learn how to address the problems. When I was on a customer service line and the ranting would start, I would go into a meditative state of "this too shall pass" and just allow the person to spew it. I never took it personally, and I set limits. They can vent, but not start trying to maim my mind. I would imagine myself as a transparent pane of glass, all that venom just flowing to the other side somewhere past me. My coworkers who took it personally had a much rougher time picking up the phone.
posted by effluvia at 7:04 AM on October 23, 2009

You know, I really should have advice here -- I'm a stage manager, so I've also had to remain calm in the face of highly emotional people (read: actors). I've been sitting here trying to put into words some things I just picked up by instinct, and by temperment. What's handicapping me is the fact that some of this is just kind of my nature, so...

Lemme give it a shot at some things to bear in mind. I'll be dealing more with emotional equilibrium rather than practicalities here.

* If someone is getting shouty, nine times out of ten they are shouting at the situation itself rather than at you personally. Sometimes just letting them have their fill of shouting is the best course -- because often they'll come back and apologize for taking it out on you.

* Try adopting an air of "sorry, I am just following orders." I don't mean to be cavalier about it -- more like, imagine that it's you and your caller are on the same team, and it's the g-darn POLICY that's your mutual enemy, dangit. Even if you never say this to them, and just remind yourself of that, it may unconsciously give you an air of empathy that can calm at least one of you down.

* If someone is acting like a total spoiled diva, my lighting designer friend has a good piece of advice -- "divas are usually like that because they're really, really insecure." He said this to me once when I was complaining about someone especially spoiled, and a light bulb went off over my head and I could handle her tantrums a lot better; where I could help or comply with her, I did, but where I couldn't, I was better able to ride it out when I had to tell her no.

* Finally: enlist someone outside of the situation to be YOUR venting board. Your position is very similar to mine as a stage manager in one respect -- you have to maintain the face of calm in the face of people coming to you and panicking. Your calm will calm THEM down. If they see YOU start panicking, then they'll REALLY get scared. But the only way you can show THEM all the calm face is by having someone ELSE to panic to when you need to. An old boyfriend once got this exactly right when I was working on a stressful show: "The way I see it," he said, "is that YOUR job is to keep the cast together during rehearsal. And that means MY job is to keep YOU together AFTER rehearsal."

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:06 AM on October 23, 2009

It's "easy": when you are at work, give up your ego. You don't exist, you are just the conduit for solving problems.

I don't recommend (based on experience...) figuring out various ways of "coping" with the stress. Coping means deflecting or absorbing the stress- and eventually your defenses will weaken and it will get you.

But if you are just a conduit, if you instead let the stress pass through you, you aren't always defending. You are simply acting when you can act, and passing it along when you can't.
posted by gjc at 7:23 AM on October 23, 2009

All of these answers are great. I think, depending on the customer, a cross between JohnnyGunn's and hegemone's approach would work best. If the customer is angry, but reasonable, JohnnyGunn's line: "You are correct (assuming they are). Here is what I am authorized to do to address the situation. I know it is not undoing the damage, but it is all I can do at this time. Do you want me to do it?" is nearly flawless.

The only time that might not work is if you're working for a total shitheel of a company like DirecTV or Comcast where, for example, your customer has been suffering from intermittent outages for months on end and your employer only authorizes you to give a $5.00 service credit. If your customer isn't reasonable, or you don't have the authority to give them the solution they want, hegemone's approach: ...pass them off to someone else, explain in detail what you are going to do. "Unfortunately, it's not within my powers to help you directly, but what I'm going to do is connect you with such-and-such. He/she is the manager/supervisor-of-department, and deals with these kinds of issues. He'll be able to listen to your problem and provide a solution I think you'll be satisfied with..." would be preferred.

I don't lose my cool on the phone, but one thing that really bugs me when dealing with support people is when they parrot things back to me in an effort to sound empathetic, or repeat scripted lines, but have no authority to assist in any meaningful way. I'd rather be told up front that they're not authorized to do something (and passed on to someone who can), than to have to repeat the same complaint over and over through several tiers of support personnel. Sometimes that pisses people off more than the actual problem.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 7:32 AM on October 23, 2009

I once heard of a longtime telemarketer advise someone to imagine that he is speaking to sock puppets. That helped him.
posted by anniecat at 7:39 AM on October 23, 2009

I'm surprised no one has touted the effectiveness of reflective listening. You might want to read up on it.
posted by torquemaniac at 8:17 AM on October 23, 2009

One of the hardest parts is because in the english language YOU could refer to either you, personally, or the company you work for. So someone saying "You screwed up" sounds like a personal attack when they are talking about your company. Try to see if you can keep injecting the name of the company to de-personalise the situation for yourself. Good luck.
posted by saucysault at 8:28 AM on October 23, 2009

I pretend to be Mrs Peel. This is a serious suggestion that has worked very well for me in a wide variety of stressful situations, but it does depend on having seen quite a lot of The Avengers (though not, I think, on being female or British; I am the former but not the latter. If you are male and find this makes it difficult for you to pretend to be Mrs Peel, you could try being Steed instead).

Other equally efficient and unruffled characters may also work, if they exist, though they might be hard to find as Mrs Peel is basically the most unperturbable character in the history of fiction.
posted by severalbees at 8:28 AM on October 23, 2009

Uncouple the two parts of your job: 1) listening and making them feel heard, & 2) solving their problem. Whether or not you can or will do #2, every single caller will need #1.

To help with #1, you can learn some basic listening behaviors (e.g. "tell me more! then what? what's the worst part about that? wow -- i can see why that would be frustrating"), but people are pretty good at discerning a disconnect between what you're saying and thinking. So the way to be really good at this job is to actually understand why they're frustrated. To be curious about what happened. If you think of your task as understanding and caring about their concern, the useful behavior will follow, and you'll be a fantastic listener.

The key to making this work is remembering that listening and caring are completely different from agreeing. You can understand why this is difficult for them, why they're so upset, without yourself feeling upset. And without agreeing to make the change that they're requesting. For example, you can completely understand why it sucks to get a parking ticket, why they were hoping not to get one, and why they want it to go away. And once you fully understand that, and once they've fully expressed it, and once they believe you've fully heard what they've said...you can still gently explain why it's important that they pay the ticket.

This formula of acknowledging, listening, understanding, and not agreeing won't work 100% of the time. But if it's genuine, it will calm down the callers, help them appreciate your dilemma, and make them less likely to attack you personally.

For more of an in-depth discussion of this approach, I hugely recommend "Difficult Conversations" by Stone, Heen, & Patton. And lots of practice! Good luck.
posted by equipoise at 9:17 AM on October 23, 2009

I am that person who yells at you on the phone. Sorry.

I yell because the phone representative cops an attitude with me. I yell because the phone person wants to explain stuff (hear themselves talk) rather than solve my fucking problem. I yell because I can tell they are following a script rather than listening and using critical thinking skills to solve my problem. I yell because I know what is and is not possible in their organization -- in short, I know their job better than they do.

Be good at your job (know your shit) and be quick to offer solutions.

If you can't offer much, but I can tell you know what I am talking about and I sense you would offer me the moon if only your organization would allow you to... that is usually enough for me.

Really. I'm just looking for competence when I phone you. Thanks.

PS. Sorry I yelled.
posted by jbenben at 9:53 AM on October 23, 2009

Agreed with jbenben. I've been going through maddening sessions with Dell support reps recently over a replacement system and nobody can give me a straight answer and I seem to know more about their team structure and systems than they do (in fact I'm on the phone waiting for an answer right now as I write this).

The other thing that pisses me off to no end is when they draw out their sentences into the longest, most convoluted things possible. It should not take 5 minutes to verify my personal information. I just want to yell at these people to cut the shit, talk faster and lets start discussing the problem.

Bottom line (and I hope I don't sound like a dick when I say this), my time is valuable and if you waste my time with superfluous language, speak really slowly when I'm talking with a sense of urgency, you will get yelled at.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:25 AM on October 23, 2009

Thanks everyone for responding. I'm going to put together a little FAQ for myself, taking bits and pieces, and keep it by my phone.

As for escalation -- people are right about hanging up if it gets vulgar/abusive and doesn't dial back after a warning. I will do that. As far as what I have to put up with -- this is really my job. It falls to me. By the time something comes to me, the fire has been burning for a long time and others have already tried to put it out. If it gets to me, it's pretty much consumed the house. There are front lines of people who deal with this before it comes to me (and I'll probably give them the little FAQ too after I've put together some best practices after a few months and can do that without being really presumptuous), but ultimately it's my job to absorb some vitriol.

I am happy to say that's nowhere near my whole job -- but it is a part of it.

Jbenben and Elminster I'd be delighted if yours were the kinds of problems I was resolving and you were the kind of people I were resolving them for. It would be nice to be able to say 'my God, you're absolutely right. That is appalling. I apologize. Let me get your number and find out what's going on and I'll call you back by the end of the day'. But these aren't your standard customer service type problems, there is a lot of crazy, ego, drunkenness, illiteracy, diplomatic/political issues. And heavy on the crazy. One tricky thing is sometimes I won't know if it's "batshit crazy person day" or Serious Time.

Everyone was very helpful; thanks so much.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:03 PM on October 23, 2009

Also helpful to me in the past: knowing I can say anything I like after I finish the call; having one of those sticky toys that crawl down the wall to throw once in a while. Also windup toys like the alligator with the snapping jaws. Answering angry calls was not my main job, but I had a few customers who were highly educated, super sarcastic and could insult you in any number of ways.
posted by x46 at 8:46 PM on October 23, 2009

Most of the useful stuff has been covered, but a minor tip from my mom for dealing with angry people: Your tone of voice has an influence on their tone of voice and there is an extent to which if you talk softer, so will they. I will say that my experience working in customer service in various ways has meant that I am the bright cheerful friendly person when I call:)
posted by eleanna at 10:42 PM on October 23, 2009