How to ask for gifts tactfully.

October 15, 2009 4:53 AM

EtiquetteFilter: Baby shower without the shower? Please help me find a tactful way to ask for gifts to be sent now even though actual shower/party won't take place until after the baby is born.

We're having a baby! Yay! Here's the issue. I grew up in California and all of my family and old family friends still live there. We currently live over 3000 miles away and a 6 hour plane flight away. Due to bad timing, work obligations, and then being too late to do air travel, I am not going to make it back there for a baby shower before our baby is born in January. We plan on visiting with the baby in the early spring. A close family friend, my mom, and my sisters (and I) are planning to have a get-together/open house/party then for everyone to meet the baby and for us to see everyone.

The same family friend is nicely trying to dream up a way to see that gifts could be sent to us now (across the country) before the baby is born in order to help us out. She is calling it a "virtual shower" and would like to send an email letting people know about the baby on the way and where we're registered, etc.-- a kind of send gifts now, party will be later. My sisters feel uncomfortable with this and worry that it just looks like a greedy and tactless way to get people to send gifts without the "shower" part of it (in part because the email is not an actual invitation to an event quite yet). I'll be the first to admit that the gifts now would be an enormous help for us, save us a lot of money, and would be far more convenient than people bringing gifts in the spring to an actual party (after we've already had to purchase most essentials). But ultimately the hostesses are the ones who have to send out this invitation and have to feel comfortable with this.

I am surely not the first one to be in this predicament- to live far from family and friends. Anyone have any suggestions for how to tactfully phrase an email like this? Or suggestions for how to manage this situation- to have gifts sent now for a party that has yet to be scheduled in the spring? Or is this just tacky? (I am willing to consider this possibility-- I am a terrible judge of these things as evident by the fact that I don't see a big problem here.) Another option would be just having them spread the word informally about where we're registered and hope for the best.

posted by picklebird to human relations (26 comments total)

You could email them all and tell them your visiting plans. "It's such a shame, but we won't be able to visit until after the baby is born....". You could also mention that you're still on the lookout for baby stuff, and if any of them have old outgrown baby things that they'd like rid of, let you know in case you'd like them. Offer to pay postage.

Then you never know, people might call and ask if you have a registration somewhere. Otherwise, you can be glad to save the environment by not filling it of brand new stuff for a baby who will use it for a couple of years max.
posted by emilyw at 5:15 AM on October 15 [3 favorites has favorites]

FWIW, Miss Manners routinely covers the "asking for gifts tactfully" problem. Her answers to these questions are basically that there is no polite way to ask for gifts -- whether to give a gift, what to give, and when to give are all up to the giver not the receiver. She also usually adds that a party should not have an admission price.
posted by Houstonian at 5:15 AM on October 15 [10 favorites has favorites]

I think your sisters are right to feel uncomfortable and I personally think virtual showers are tacky.

I think spreading the word informally is the way to go, and I've experienced that being pretty effective for friends of mine.
posted by Pax at 5:17 AM on October 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

There is no way to ask for gifts tactfully.

The only way to get gifts is to make sure your sisters and family know what you need and tell your old friends and coworkers if they ask how to give you presents.
posted by winna at 5:21 AM on October 15 [2 favorites has favorites]

When our baby was born we received a ton of gifts. We did not solicit these gifts and did not register anywhere. We did send out birth announcements, about a week or two after our son was born but the gifts began pouring in as soon as he arrived.

There is no tactful way to solicit gifts. People who want to celebrate the baby's arrival with a present will do so anyway. To ask for them in advance of a shower is in bad taste and seems to indicate a sense of entitlement. There is not a whole lot of stuff that you need ahead of time, beyond a car seat, a place for the baby to sleep, and a bunch of onesies, so there will be plenty of time to acquire all the baby stuff. Seriously .. you don't need the swing, the bouncy chair, the exersaucer, the high chair, the multiple outfits, the toys, the books, and so on for quite some time.

Look - you're the one having a baby and it's your responsibility to provide the essentials. What you're suggesting sounds a little bit like a shakedown. A gift is meant to be a token to say "welcome to the world". It's not something owed to you to help you get your baby started. I'm sure you don't intend to come across that way - you don't sound at all grasping and entitled in your question but I don't think its ever proper to ask for gifts. A gift is supposed to be something given freely.

Congratulations on your impending arrival!
posted by Kangaroo at 5:53 AM on October 15 [18 favorites has favorites]

Your sister is right. There's no tactful way to do this. We had a similar get together after my daughter was born. We are in New York, and my family and family friends are in Seattle. When we went out to visit with the new baby, my mom hosted a "meet the baby" party. Some people brought presents (mostly an outfit or a toy), others didn't bring anything. I think it's odd to have a shower for people who don't live near you, even if they are emotionally close to you.

If someone wants to buy you a big ticket item (changing table, swing, etc) they will let you know.

If you are in really dire straights financially and don't have resources for free/used goods in your area (tried craigslist yet?) you can send an email along with what emilyw suggests.

Congratulations on your expected wee one!
posted by tk at 6:07 AM on October 15

Very very very tacky. If you were a friend of mine I would already be getting you a gift (and if it was not something on your registry you could suck it up); if I received such a solicitation I would probably be tempted to bin the gift idea and would just send a card, perhaps even bringing that down to e-card.

This isn't really a "predicament" -- not everybody has a baby shower. I am in my thirties, I have a kid, I have friends with kids, and I have never been to one.
posted by kmennie at 6:22 AM on October 15

Oh, this does sound tacky, I'm sorry. I understand the logistics ("but we'll be getting presents anyway, might as well be now!") but your guests of the future will probably just see it as offensive.

Hold up on buying things that aren't necessary for the first few months. I don't think the baby will do much until spring anyway. In addition, look at the positives: by then, you'll know more precisely what you will and will not use and can tailor a registry accordingly.

I agree with the above advice: register somewhere, and only mention it to people who ask. Anything else is presumptuous and rude.
posted by amicamentis at 6:36 AM on October 15

This is simple.

They have a baby shower WITHOUT YOU. When my own first was born, my mom's coworkers surprised her with a "grandma shower" (I lived in a different state) and she brought the stuff with her when she visited.

Let them party, have punch, play silly games, and talk to you on speaker phone or Skype. Then when you come, you can always have another little get together sans gifts.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:45 AM on October 15 [2 favorites has favorites]

My aunts who live in ME threw my cousin who lives in WI a shower. They got together with the gifts unwrapped, had cake and food and coffee and tea and chatted for awhile, called my cousin about halfway through and talked to her for a good long while about her and the baby and wait-until-you-get--all-this-stuff, wrapped the gifts in pretty wrapping paper as a part of the party, boxed it all up together, and my aunt who hosted mailed it the next business day.

It's very easy to do!

The other thing you could do is just start a baby registry (I used myregistry.com. It's awesome, easy, and the customer service people were really incredible!) and have word-of-mouth do its job.
posted by zizzle at 7:12 AM on October 15

I should add, though, that my family LIVES for newcomers and if it could have been arranged would have flown my cousin out for the shower. I think there were several weeks where that was the plan, and then it wasn't able to happen.

Their opinion was also, "Everyone else who's had a baby in this family has had a shower, and she's damn well going to have one too, even if she can't be there!" That's the way my very large and baby-happy family rolls.

I can understand how and why other people may not be comfortable with it, though.
posted by zizzle at 7:17 AM on October 15

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but, there are very few things you need for the first few months. Diapers, some footed sleepers, a car seat and maybe a bouncy chair will take you through the first 6 weeks at least. At that point both of you will be ready to travel and receive your gifts in person.

Congratulations!
posted by a22lamia at 7:17 AM on October 15

Yes, the answer is a long-distance shower. I've seen it done a couple of different ways--

-Someone collects the gifts and sends them all to you. Then on the day of the shower, they all get together and enjoy the baby shower fun and you join them via webcam. This way they get to see you opening their gifts.

-They can have a shower and open the presents for you while you watch via webcam. This way they get to ooh and ahh and pass the presents around. Later all the presents can be boxed up to send to you.

-They could also do a shower but all send you giftcards. This one is probably the least fun.

However it's done, the shower hostesses in CA need to make sure that it feels like a "real" baby shower for the participants, with good food and games.
posted by wallaby at 7:19 AM on October 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

Are you sure you're not overestimating how much the baby will need before it's 1mo old? Someone I worked with had a baby several months ago and commented that she thought she HAD to have all the stuff ready before she delivered, but really they just feed and sleep at first, so if you're ready with diapers and a crib/co-sleeper/whatever, it probably won't hurt to wait on the fancy stroller, toys, clothes, etc.
posted by slow graffiti at 7:53 AM on October 15

I don't understand this at all. Make a registry, be pregnant, people will ask mom and sisters where the registry is, they'll send gifts.
posted by k8t at 8:05 AM on October 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

My first baby (who will be one year old in a couple of weeks! *sniff*) came under circumstances that didn't allow for a before-birth shower.

- Yeah, you can't ask for gifts, and "virtual showers" and "long-distance showers" are pretty much seen as blantant, tacky gift grabs
- People will send gifts on their own. Register and hope for the best.
- Whether or not you have a baby shower, you will likely get some stuff from your registry, some useful stuff that wasn't on your registry, and some ugly/useless junk. You can't really depend on gifts to fill in the big necessities in any predictable way.
- People are likely to call you ahead of time to offer large gifts, with or without a shower.
- You really don't need much stuff at all for a young baby. As my fabulous pediatrician says, all you really need is a boob and a bed, and the bed is optional. I would add a carseat. You're unlikely to get any of these things at a shower anyway (except maybe the carseat), and pretty much everything else can wait.
- As the mother of two babies under one year old, I would really, really, strenuously suggest that you wait until the baby is home to buy much at all. You don't need -- and can't use -- much for the first 6 weeks or so anyway, and you really don't know what you need yet. The vast majority of stuff that's available for babies is pretty useless. Just buy stuff as you need it, and you'll save a lot of money. A later shower is actually much better, because you'll have a much better grasp of what you actually want by then.

Good luck and congratulations!
posted by LittleMissCranky at 8:45 AM on October 15

If you "ask" for something, it is no longer a gift.

create the good karma... tell people you had a baby, be happy about it, those that share the joy and have the resources may send a gift...

personally, I think bridal showers and baby showers are an odd part of our culture...
posted by HuronBob at 8:47 AM on October 15

I did a virtual baby shower in a slightly different situation and it worked out very well. I have a friend here, near me, who just had her first baby far from all her family and friends. I really wanted to have a shower for her, since not throwing a shower for someone's first baby is the height of rudeness and awfulness (in my opinion), but there were no people within driving distance to invite the shower. (digression- I know some people don't like showers, either baby or wedding. I am lukewarm on the wedding showers, but I think women who are pregnant for the first time are often 1) young, 2) not rich, 3) excited as all get out, and 4) terrified. A shower is a great way to spread the pain of the new baby purchases and to remind the mom to be that she is surrounded by love and support.)

So, I made an invitation list of everyone that would be natural to invite to a shower if they had been close by (about 20 people), and set a time for everyone to meet via Skype. I asked people to send presents in the mail and have them arrive before the assigned day. You can do multi-way voice conferences on Skype, but you can't have video when you have more than two people. So we made a webcam feed that allowed everyone to watch her open the presents.

I think it wasn't tacky because I was the one organizing and sponsoring the event, not the mom-to-be. I think the far flung family and friends also appreciated the chance to send good wishes and gifts. I think if your sisters agreed on doing a version of this people wouldn't find it tacky at all. Invite only people who are actually very excited about the baby (close friends and family, not random coworkers who don't really care) and who would send gifts anyway. This needs to be on someone else's initiative, though, not yours.
posted by ohio at 9:01 AM on October 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

Gifts are, by definition, freely given. You're not automatically entitled to presents just for having a baby. So, there is no tactful way to actively solicit gifts from people outside of the context of a shower.

(in part because the email is not an actual invitation to an event quite yet)

Why not? Make the email an invitation and include the registry information. I don't think it's tacky to have a registry for a shower or to tell people about the registry for a shower, since generally the entire point of a shower is gift-giving. I do think that idea itself is a bit odd, but since showers are an accepted concept in our culture, asking for presents at one isn't seen as a shakedown.
posted by lemuria at 9:14 AM on October 15 [1 favorite has favorites]

I would find it very odd for a pregnant woman to be expected to take a 6 hour flight to have a baby shower, but I'd be a little taken aback by the virtual shower idea.

My natural impulse for people far away that I want to give gifts to is to buy something and mail it or have it shipped, not expect the person to show up. Unless your relatives are so rude and self-centered as to take it personally that you are too far along to travel, I'm sure they will do the same thing without getting a begging email.

If you have a party to welcome the new baby later on, you will probably get a lot of gifts there even from people who have already sent you things, whereas if you beg for gifts now you probably will not.

Um, you do realize that you can have a baby shower where you live now with your current friends? It doesn't have to be only family and people you've known forever.
posted by yohko at 10:14 AM on October 15

Asking for gifts is tacky. Even if you are having a shower, straight up asking for gifts is tacky. People will send gifts if they have the resources. Having a baby is not a gift receiving accomplishment, its a biological function.

You should tell your sisters to tell people who inquire about sending you a gift to send you a gift card to the store you are registered at. this will save teh gift giver postage and you will be able to get what you want.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:50 AM on October 15

Also, just to throw this in... everything except the carseat can be bought off of Craig's List. The % of stuff that baby hates, you only use once, etc. is so high, that buying things new is just ridiculous.
posted by k8t at 1:28 PM on October 15

Next spring, when you visit, the baby will still need lots of stuff.
posted by theora55 at 4:05 PM on October 15

When friends adopted a two-year-old, we had a shower for the new parents. There's no reason not to have a shower this spring.
posted by Linnee at 4:42 PM on October 15

Guests are "paid" for their shower gifts by being invited to a lovely party, with food and good company.

In fact, when I decide how much to spend for a wedding gift (for instance), I ask myself how much I would be willing to pay for a nice night out with my spouse that includes dinner and dancing. It's kind of an exchange.

That said, people might not be up for sending gifts now if they are not at least invited to a lovely party.

Send announcements when the baby is born, and you'll get a truckload of generous and thoughtful gifts. Go ahead and register at an obvious place like Target or Babies R Us, and most people are savvy enough to find it for themselves.

Congratulations!
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:45 PM on October 15

Most of the stuff you get for baby usually isn't useful till 4-6 months later anyway. What about sending some kind of shower "save the date"? That way people could check out your registry in an appropriate context & you could know you'll be covered with essentials.
posted by dreamphone at 3:45 PM on October 16