Dating in San Francisco : will the women here expect me to have a car?

October 12, 2009 3:46 PM

Dating in San Francisco : will the women here expect me to have a car?

I am a man who just moved to SF from NYC, and I plan on living in the city -- although I don't know which neighborhood yet. I lived in NYC for 6 years, and nobody there really has a car, so it wasn't expected. However, I know that SF is more car-oriented, so I'm wondering if being car-less will hinder my dating life.

I am considering getting a car anyway for recreational purposes, so this wouldn't be my only reason for getting a car. However, I can certainly live without a car, especially if it won't effect my dating life.

Please hold back on answering if you're going to respond with something like "You don't want to date a girl who expects you to have a car." That's not really helpful and doesn't answer my question. I also know that car ownership in the city can be a pain, so there's no need to go into that either.

Specifically, I would like to hear from men and women who live here or have lived here in the recent past. I would like to know what I'm in for, with as little sugar-coating as possible. Buying a car is a big decision, and I want to know as much as I can before I make this decision.

Also, I know there are various ZipCar / CityCar options. How is this seen in the dating world? Is it seen as a "he's too cheap to buy a car" option, an "it's perfectly fine" option, or an "it's perfectly fine, I guess, but why doesn't he have his own car?" option?

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

I live in Oakland and don't have a car. I use Zipcar. Most of the girls I've dated also didn't have cars, and it's definitely not unusual to not own a car here, especially in San Francisco.
posted by bradbane at 3:56 PM on October 12

Previously.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 3:57 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Depends on the girl. SF is pretty friendly for the car-free, and parking is a giant pain in the ass. It's also pretty liberal, so my guess is that you have a greater chance of running into girls who are excited about you not burning fossil fuels.
posted by mzurer at 3:58 PM on October 12

I dated a guy in San Francisco without a car and it was just a total non-problem. We took public transportation everywhere (this was before zipcar) and on the rare times we couldn't, we'd rent a car or grab a cab. No problem at all from my perspective and I actually had a car (the relationship was long distance so I didn't have a car when I was in SFO)
posted by jessamyn at 4:00 PM on October 12

Definitely not. I've lived in San Francisco for two years, and I was actually surprised when I found out one guy I was dating had a car. (He lived in the Mission.)

Most folks have Zipcar/City CarShare accounts, or a bike, or a MUNI pass, or a BART card. Nobody--aside from the Marina folks, possibly--would ever think you're too cheap to buy a car. Off the top of my head, I can think of like twenty people that make 100k+ a year and don't have a car.

Of course, if you don't have a car, do be a gentleman and either go to first dates in their neighborhood, or invite them to somewhere very public-transportation-friendly (MUNI or BART, not bus).

FWIW, I don't think San Francisco is very car-oriented. Most folks that I know who have a car use it for commutes down to their jobs in the South Bay, or are very recent transplants who will likely eventually sell their cars.
posted by timoni at 4:02 PM on October 12

Also, I should add, I'm in my twenties and work on internet stuff, as are/do most of my friends. You might get a different vibe from an older demographic, or the financial folks.
posted by timoni at 4:05 PM on October 12

I plan on living in the city -- although I don't know which neighborhood yet.

You should figure that out first, and then decide on a car. Dating will be, what, 20 percent of your time? What about the other 80 percent? What if you find the right neighborhood and then realize you need a car for non-dating reasons? Or what if the opposite happens -- you think you need a car for dating, and then there's no parking in the neighborhood you really, really like?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:07 PM on October 12

I think it depends on where the potential romantic interest lives. Public transportation to the Peninsula and East Bay is okay but not great; to the South Bay can often suck. I think if you found someone in the city, it is likely that she will understand you not having a car, and there are likely even some girls who would prefer this as it shows you are (a) good to the environment, and (b) motivated enough to risk the inconvenience of public transit. I think it will totally give you street cred with the Mission crowd. Zip Car and City Car have recently increased their car availability so I don't think that should be a problem.

Living in the South Bay myself, I have a car, and I like the guys I date to have cars (or at least be legally able to drive). But that's because I have been in relationships where the guy does not drive, and it's pain in my ass. Don't get me wrong, I love the city, but it's a long haul for me with traffic and shitty parking when I get there, so if I'm committing to see someone who lives there, I would like to see equal attempts made by the guy to get to where I am or meet me halfway.

This all assumes you'll even consider dating women who don't live in the city. :)
posted by sarahnade at 4:12 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

only someone moving from NYC would consider SF car-oriented... granted it's not manhattan but it's a far cry from Phoenix or LA. I'd say that if you are comfortable with the idea of living in SF and not having a car, your potential dates will be fine with it too. I don't live there but I know that parking can be very difficult/expensive and you can get around fine without one.
posted by Chris4d at 4:34 PM on October 12

It depends on where in the city you live (and who you associate with). If you end up living somewhere near downtown / along Market (and thus near BART, underground MUNI, lots of bus lines, really expensive parking, virtually no street parking), almost no one will expect you to have a car. It's much, much easier to take public transit to that part of the city than deal with parking, even if one has a car.

On the other hand, if you live on the western side of the city - Sunset, Richmond, etc., in a neighborhood where there actually is easy street parking, it's a lot more common to have a car. And, like sarahnade said, a car would be useful to visit/date people who live outside of SF.
posted by insectosaurus at 4:40 PM on October 12

Nope, I got rid of my car over a year ago and have gone on many dates since then without it ever being an issue. I'm now dating a girl down on the peninsula, and even there it's not an issue (because fortunately she lives not far from a Caltrain station!)

In the community that I mostly associate with - hipster / burner / hippie / scientist types - the general reaction to getting rid of my car was along the lines of 'way to go!' In a lot of communities here you'll get a better reaction to not owning a car than to owning one.
posted by pombe at 4:50 PM on October 12

We live in San Francisco, started dating here and were just married.

My husband doesn't have a car, nor do I. We do have a membership to the various car-sharing schemes in our city. It wasn't a consideration when we met, and isn't now. Riding the bus together was quite a romantic thing to do when we were dating, and still proves to be an adventure.

Have a bike, use it. Also know when to be chivalrous and use a taxi or carshare service. Once in a while, rent a car and go out of town with your various quarries. Know how to drive, do it well, but don't think that it takes car ownership to land a lady or keep one.

For us, it just isn't a concern. In many cases, it's a point of pride. The money we would have spent on a car purchased a sailboat, took us to the Grenadines for sailing trips, took us to the UK, Canada, posh trips in the US. We have a beautiful home and a very happy life. I don't miss the car at all.

Basic poll amongst the ladies in my social/work circles:

• "C" says she's dated a guy who couldn't afford a car and wouldn't do it again. She doesn't consider ownership of a car a prerequisite for dating or having a relationship with a man who chooses not to have a car but has demonstrated other responsible traits such as job-having and general financial stability. She also would decline a dating opportunity if the guy expected her to drive everywhere to make up for carlessness.
• "K" said that no car is fine, but if the man in question owned *cats* that it would be a dealbreaker.
• "H" says yes, she'd date a carless man, especially in SF and said it'd be a bonus if he signed up for carshare.
• "A" said she'd date a carless guy but not if she had to be the chauffeur all the time, "You know how I feel about driving..."
• "N" said she'd date a guy without a car but would expect him to drive any rentals or carshares, even if the cost of said car was a shared dating or relationship expense.
• "L" would consider it with the following reservations: Wouldn't date a car-hater with a political agenda or axe to grind, wouldn't date a carless guy if it meant that he'd never organize camping, Tahoe trips or attend social events outside of SF.

More responses to come...
posted by cior at 5:17 PM on October 12 [2 favorites has favorites]

"A#2" says, "Of course, having a car in SF is crazy."

"A#3" says, "I wish I could dump my car."
posted by cior at 5:20 PM on October 12

Most guys that have a car in SF never use it anyway because they don't want to lose their parking spot :) Really not a problem.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 5:42 PM on October 12

Yes, most folks in SF with cars only drive them around the block to move them on street-cleaning days. Most folks who live in SF know this and take it into account. It's almost like having a horse; it's more a sign that you have money to spend on a car you never use than anything else. And you don't want to get too involved with people who have those priorities.

Also, like NYC, you can pretty much get around the whole city via public transportation.
You only need a car to get out of town; you're dating a girl who lives in Jersey or Long Island, or you want to take a Sunday drive upstate to see the leaves change. Same in SF; you might meet someone who lives in San Jose or want to go to Tahoe for the weekend. (Oh, and sometimes you just gotta go to IKEA or something.)

People do this a lot less often in reality than they think they would, so most are better served by sharing or rentals than anything else. And the car-sharing deals are really inexpensive. [Note: of the two majors, Zipcar is a little more pricey but has a broad range of cars from BMWs to pickups; CityCarShare is generally a little cheaper and tends toward the low end fleet vehicles with a lot of Scion XBs (perfect shared car) with the occasional Mini convertible for fun.]

This is all assuming you're moving to San Francisco, as opposed to the Bay Area in general.
Outside the city limits and away from BART lines you're in car-centric California; so if you move there, you're going to need a car just to buy milk. FYI.


That said, non-car-having requires some boyfriend skills:
1) Just because you don't have a car doesn't mean you can get away with never going anywhere. You may not drive a carshare to the mountains for a whole week, but I've had some very nice "let's just drive somewhere, I need to get out today" dates.
2) Just because you don't have a car and she does, or you both have sharing plans, doesn't mean that she does all the driving.
2a) NYC caveat - it's acceptable for a lifelong Manhattanite to not only not have a car, but not have a license or the slightest ability to drive. Only in Manhattan, though. Everywhere else, not having a license means there's something seriously wrong with you. CA especially.
3) The only thing as obnoxious as an unrepentant Hummer driver is an unrepentant Hummer hater. Just because you don't have a car, it doesn't mean that you get to go off on a 20-minute rant every time you find out someone actually owns. a. car. OMG.


So you're fine without a car, don't worry.

That said, it only rains about a month or two out of the year here, and it's temperate enough to get away with leather most of the year. So there's a LOT of motorcycles in the city, if that's your thing....or hers....
posted by bartleby at 6:19 PM on October 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

nthing the neighborhood comments above. There are "why would you possibly want a car" neighborhoods and there are "dude, you should have a car already" neighborhoods. I don't think anyone would look down on you for using Zipcar or CityCarShare if you didn't have a car, at least not anyone you want to be around anyway.

Personally, I would answer the "do I need a car" question for yourself, given where you will live (and what the parking situation is there) and where you'll be going on a regular basis (e.g. work, grocery store, shopping areas, etc...). Whatever you decide for that question will take care of the "do I need a car to date" question as well.
posted by zachlipton at 6:22 PM on October 12

I don't have a car here & have dated men with and without cars. It's a nice-to-have for me, but definitely not a must-have. Same with a car-share membership. Most of the women I know would agree, but I also know women who would be put off by the lack of car (and know men who are put off by my lack of car). Depends on the sort of person you want to date.
posted by judith at 6:59 PM on October 12

I really think you'll be OK without a car, especially if you carshare, like many people have said above. Most people I know with cars are couples that share a single car. Nearly every single person I know is carless.

But yeah, a big part of it is the sort of people you want to date. There are a lot of people I know here who find it strange that people take their car everywhere, even if they live in the City and have plenty of other options. Then there are those who go everywhere in their car no matter what. You'll probably just end up in the company of the first group (users of multiple transportation options) just by virtue of not owning a car.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:09 PM on October 13

I highly doubt you need one. Exceptions might exist, based on your target audience (age, wealth, subculture). Another possible exception is if you're both hikers and want to go out of town every weekend. Otherwise, you can always call a taxi or rent a car. I'm usually surprised to hear that SF-dwellers own cars.

The East Bay (Berkeley and Oakland) could go either way, but in the North Bay (Marin) or South Bay (Palo Alto, etc.) you'd probably need a car.
posted by salvia at 10:49 AM on October 14

Datapoint: Recently, I met someone online and we were planning to go on a date when she found out I didn't have a car, at which point she halted things. But I think it was an obsessive attempt at foresight/practicality; she lived on the Peninsula and was concerned about what would happen if we hit it off.
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:02 PM on October 19