Pardon me, but did you date that one chick who drank too much back in the 50s?

September 21, 2009 8:15 PM

How would one go about finding a person they've only seen in an old Polaroid? Bonus: there's a name on the back of the photo. Hitch: said photo is about 50 years old.

MindfuckFilter: My brother-in-law, after an agonizingly painful childhood and resultant messed-up adulthood, has recently learned that his mother has been hiding the identity of his biological father from him his whole life.

When he turned 30 and was beginning his own family, his mom quit the booze, got a divorce, and got (some weird strain of) Jesus. A couple years later she rang him up to tell him that his "dad" wasn't really his dad after all, and she's reallysupersorry for lying to him about all that. Stunned, he pressed her with questions, but she was typically tight-lipped and refused to tell him more, nor would she talk about his real father beyond, "I don't remember who he was or what his name was. I have no idea."

So for the past 20 years my brother-in-law has been stewing over the fact that the guy who systematically beat the shit out of him, murdered his pets right in front of him (absolutely horrific stories I wish I could erase from my mind), and chased him through second-story windows with a shotgun wasn't his father after all. Because of his intense mistrust of others, he steadfastly refuses to seek therapy, so he's essentially spent the last 20 years shutting himself off from the rest of the world. He lives out in the middle of Exactly + Nowhere, and his isolation doesn't stop with geography. He doesn't know how to use his computer and knows precious little about this internet thing that seems like "total bullshit" to him. Serious isolation.

He phoned me last week to tell me that his mom gave him a photo and says it's his father. It's an old Polaroid shoot & peel, but it's clear, and it's of the two of them when they were dating. My brother-in-law, my sister, and my nieces all say it's the real deal -- the resemblance between the man in the photo and my brother-in-law is profound. My niece says it's unsettling how much she looks like this man. Good news, right?

Well, his mom has returned to her tight-lipped self and will not discuss this photo that she's just handed over. Says she can't remember anything at all. Amazing. He's asking me to help him by finding this guy for him if he's alive, and finding information about him if he's not. He's never asked me for anything in all the years I've known him, so this is kind of big, and I want to help.

There is one clue: there is a name on the back of the picture. It's not a too-common name, thankfully, but a little generic, and I'm having a heck of a time figuring out how to proceed with finding this man.

How do you find someone you don't know? He'd be about 75 years old now if he's still alive, so I'm guessing his online presence is, well, not a whole lot. His hometown? Forgotten. The town they met in? Forgotten. Which high school might he have gone to? Forgotten. Did he go to / was he in college? She dunno. Did he have brothers, or sisters, or friends that perhaps she'd met at some point? Gosh, she can't recall a thing. Does she remember if it was a party that brought them together, and, if so, whose party was that? She forgot how they met. It's all extra weird because of her history of lies! lies! lies! The date on the photo is a full year before she'd have become pregnant with her only son, so you'd think she'd remember one single detail of a relationship that seems to have probably spanned at least a year.

Who knows... maybe she actually doesn't remember -- she did an excellent job of pickling her brain while she wasn't pay attention to her kids. Who knows. I'm a little bitter; I've watched a damaged-but-superAWESOME-older-brother-type slide into the most depressing existence I've ever seen up close. I love him dearly and want to help him with this, but I'm hitting dead-ends. He wasn't adopted, so most of the stuff written about finding a parent doesn't apply to his situation at all.

Please, if you have any experience or knowledge about doing this sort of thing, help me. Share your method. Share any idea you can think of; I'm wide open to suggestions. I have time to do this. Or do I need to hire someone to find this man? I've searched this name like crazy, and I've found nothing but a handful names that match his with addresses and phone numbers. Two of them are in the proper age-range, and both live in states that people consider "retirement states," and that's it. I keep debating whether I should just phone them both, but then... what on earth would I say to this guy? That would be too weird, no? I'm not shy, but geez, I don't want to freak out some stranger by telling him he might have a kid from 50 years ago, know what I mean? Argh. I'm typing myself into a corner here, so I'm going to stop now and let you guys pelt me with your wisdom and your ideas.

I know this is dreadfully long, but I wanted to establish why I'm involved and he's not doing the legwork on his own, and why his mother is a dead-end for information.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

Just checking: Whose name is on his birth certificate? Likely no one, or step dad, but it pays to check the obvious.

Do you have first and last names both?
posted by SLC Mom at 8:22 PM on September 21, 2009

This is what private dectectives are for. Maybe somebody here knows how to find a good one?
posted by longsleeves at 8:26 PM on September 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've got a subscription to Ancestry.com, and would be happy to do some searching for you if you can let me know his name (assuming you have first and last). Some general idea of location where your BIL's mother was living at the time would be helpful, but not essential. If you don't want to post details here, MefiMail me and I'll keep anything I find as private as you like.
posted by cerebus19 at 8:46 PM on September 21, 2009

DNA test the supposed 'fake' dad's paternity - he might be 'fake' dad because they recently broke up... best to rule out the obvious
posted by Acer_saccharum at 8:49 PM on September 21, 2009

Have you tried typing "Find ____________" into google and using one of the pay sites for finding people that is sure to come up.
I just did a search on someone I use to know on www.intelius.com (not recommending, it was just the first site that came up) and the simple free search listed cities where she lived and her sister as a relative. They want to charge you .95 for a ph# but if you can find a person with the right name and age, you might be lucky. People finder listed the age but it was wrong and they still had her married to her ex so try a couple free searches until you can narrow down the most likely possibilities. Good luck to you and your Brother-in-law!
posted by stray thoughts at 8:53 PM on September 21, 2009

Put the name and picture online and hope someone comes to you? Many people have vanity searches set up for their own names and the names of relatives. People also often google themselves or people they know.

And an online mystery might get lots of people looking.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:00 PM on September 21, 2009

Are you sure it's a "shoot and peel" Polaroid photo? If so, the photo mightn't be quite as old as you think - no matter what's written on the back.

I wouldn't contact anyone by phone. I'd probably send a letter to possible "hits" asking if they are the person in the photo - send them a copy of the photo, saying it's come into your possession through the family and you wondered if they can tell you a bit about life back then. Anyone who was having unprotected sex with biomum back then is going to be aware of the possibility of offspring - they may even have known she was pregnant; it wasn't uncommon for step-fathers to totally replace biodads back in those days.

Worst case scenario is you hear nothing back. If that happens, I wouldn't push it. But you may also get a response asking you for more information. I've often managed to track people down through the wrong starting point - it's worth a try.

Any other living relatives of the mother you could contact? In my experience there's really no such thing as a "family secret" - there are usually other members of the family who have some information about things that aren't openly mentioned, even if their information is incomplete.

One thing to consider is that mum might be lying yet again (or not actually be certain of paternity). I know that you say there's a profound resemblance, but people sometimes see what they want to see - if you find this man, only DNA testing is likely to provide the truth.
posted by Lolie at 9:10 PM on September 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I keep debating whether I should just phone them both, but then... what on earth would I say to this guy?

Well, one way or another, if you manage to find someone who's a good candidate, you (or BIL?) will have to get in touch with him and have a really awkward conversation, right? So there are two parts: what are your best search methods, and what do you do once you've found a good prospect?

For search methods, it sounds like you've been doing good work.
-Wherever mom lived, is it the kind of place where people didn't move around a lot? You might be able to find the guy's name in birth records from that area - maybe you could get a middle name that way, which might help with further searching.
-Alumni associations, local church, military, etc, are all groups that keep varying levels of track of where their participants go later in life. Googling may find an obit for his wife (try set phrases like "survived by her husband John Smith") which could give you some track of where he had lived, or possibilities. What class years might he have been (try googling "John Smith, '47" and "John Smith, class of '47") from high school or college? Does the photo give any evidence of his interests (eg are they at a marina?) that could give you keywords to try with the name? Try "John Smith, of Peoria" or a phrase like that which includes the town where mom lived - phrases like this may appear in wedding announcements, etc, which would have been in local papers that might end up online.

What to do once you have a good prospect... I agree it's a daunting thing. It would be good, of course, to send the picture and then say "is that you?", but if you only have phone numbers that will be difficult. I think the biggest problem will be convincing him that you're not running some kind of scam. Just for a start, you probably need to say "hi, is this John Smith? I'm sorry to bother you - My name is Jane Doe, and I'm doing a family history project and someone with your name has come up. I'm just not sure if you're the right person - the information I have is that someone with your name dated a woman named Jane Jones, around 1955, maybe in Peoria? I could be off a little on the details, but does anything like that ring a bell?" If he says no, say thanks and give him your phone number in case he wants to call you back. If he says maybe, say, ok, let me send you a copy of the picture I have. If he says yes, say, you'd better sit down because I have some news for you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:41 PM on September 21, 2009

jayder, she has the name.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:42 PM on September 21, 2009

Find A Grave, goony name aside, is a good place to search if you know surname and state. I hope your person is still alive, but you can find other ancestors, and armed with their burial details, you can find family matches in other sources. Ancestry.com has a two-week free trial which includes access to a number of US census lists, but there are plenty of places online you can get a hit through Google.

How's your fu? Search for strings you hope to find on your goal page, like "firstname surname" "survived by" to pick up an online obituary, and try "surname, firstname" as well. If you can think of easy ways to misspell the name, try that too. Other strings helpful to filter out non-obituary hits are "in lieu" and "long illness" and "interment to follow".

If you think your person might have served in the military, there are many online sources for information of this nature as well.

Can we know the information you have?
posted by Sallyfur at 2:41 AM on September 22, 2009

it also has a reissue date on it that coincides with the time he was getting his first driver's license.

If the birth certificate was changed, which is what I think you might be implying here, then there could be a copy of the original somewhere. There are private detectives which specialize in helping adoptees find their birth parents who have ways of finding this stuff out. People have found with less.
posted by shothotbot at 5:13 AM on September 22, 2009

Can you tell us more about the photo? Is he wearing a ring or any jewelry? What kind of clothing? Are they standing next to a car? A house? A bar? If you were to post the picture I bet people here could find something useful in it.

The original birth certificate might not be at the hospital of birth, but rather the county/town clerk's office.
posted by mikepop at 5:27 AM on September 22, 2009

I'm not clear on whether or not you've just seen the photo, or have had a scan or copy sent or emailed to you. If you can, post it here, blurring out his face if you like. There may be clues you're overlooking. I'd write letters to the two older men with the same name as the man you're looking for. I wouldn't call....too jarring.
posted by iconomy at 5:55 AM on September 22, 2009

You're getting truly wonderful advice. A couple things that weren't mentioned along the lines of talking to relatives who likely know pieces of the "family secret" (excellent advice, btw).

His mother's alcoholism means that she may have, at least at certain times, been a regular at area bars--check with likely candidates and you may find it's easier to track down retired bartenders who may have known the couple. You're less likely to get a hit this way than with relatives (even relatives that have lost touch), but in small towns this information and people from "back then" are surprisingly accessible.

It may also be possible to track down his mother's friends from that time, babysitters he remembers, her co-workers (even at transient jobs), and neighbors. She was likely confiding something to someone--either to casually to folks she thought didn't matter, or more in depth to folks she considered friends.

Old haunts and the cast of characters that populated them have been rich sources of info for me for similar reasons.

Good luck, and I hope this provides some closure or healing for your BIL.
posted by rumposinc at 6:02 AM on September 22, 2009

Assuming that his parents lived in a city during the time of his birth he can try to track down old City Directories or telephone books. Local libraries or historical societies typically have other records like marriage certificates and tax records that could help you track down people. It's just a matter of following the records from year to year to follow the person. Some of this information has migrated to the internet but the best bet is to go to the source and for that the internet will not help.
posted by JJ86 at 6:48 AM on September 22, 2009

Hire a private detective. Give him/her your info so far. It sounds like if you can find out the place of birth then the original birth certificate should be there. The biggest concern here is if the Bio father is still alive. 75ish is pretty old. Also the mother should open up. It's terrible of her not to get more involved in her son's quest to find out who his real father is.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:34 AM on September 22, 2009

People can't just change the name of the father on a birth certificate without a court order (such as if stepdad legally adopted your BIL). But if the father's name was left blank at the time of birth, she may have been able to add stepdad's name by getting him to sign an acknowledgment of paternity. Check the laws in the state where BIL was living at the time. The original birth certificate may be: blank father's name, or sealed, depending on what happened.

I think your best bet is to follow the location-specific search tips above: phone books, groups, etc., and maybe letters to likely suspects saying you're doing genealogy research. People generally respond better to that type of request than "I'm searching for my long lost father," inquiries.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 8:37 AM on September 22, 2009

You are in luck -- your brother-in-law is male and therefore has a y-chromosome that he got direct from his father, which you can test. I'm on an iPhone right now so I can't grab the link, but do a Google search for WSJ and FamilyTreeDNA.com for a story from May, 2009 that is very much like your brother-in-law's situation. The man found his biological father, with whom his mom had had a summer fling, thanks to a simple cheek swab DNA test, matched against the FamilyTreeDNA.com database. One of his father's distant relatives turned up a match. Good luck!
posted by Asparagirl at 10:07 AM on September 22, 2009

People can't just change the name of the father on a birth certificate without a court order (such as if stepdad legally adopted your BIL). But if the father's name was left blank at the time of birth, she may have been able to add stepdad's name by getting him to sign an acknowledgment of paternity.

This may not have been the case when brother-in-law was born. I don't know about in the US, but here it was extremely easy to put whatever information one wanted on a birth certificate until well into the 1970s - the process of changing names was not nearly as complicated as it is now (in fact biodads here effectively ceased to have any responsibility at all or any rights in relation to their children if their former partner remarried until I was an adult - and the status of "illegitimate" children wasn't equalised here in some states until well into the 1980s). Remember that was is a time when it there were concrete legal reasons to lie about paternity - and maternity was sometimes lied about as well.

One thing which might be useful is to find out whether mum and step-dad were married at the time brother-in-law was born - that information should be relatively easy to obtain. We're talking about a generation in which public records often didn't reflect private reality - and when there were often good reasons for that.

Do you know if any of the relatives of the man who raised your brother-in-law are still living? They may be another source of information which mum is unwilling to reveal.
posted by Lolie at 11:47 AM on September 22, 2009

Hi. I'm new here and this is my first answer ever, so if I do it wrong many apologies. I am a private detective and so I thought I'd jump in. Licensed PIs have access to subscription databases based on credit header information and public records that make finding people, particularly those with unusual names, pretty easy. That's what I'd recommend as the first step...finding a decent PI who will run the search for you. It shouldn't be too expensive. After you figure out who it is you're looking for, I'd recommend doing some basic public records searches on him to know what you're getting into. Courts, recorded documents, etc - all are public records. Take a look in every city he's lived in to get a full picture of him. Has he owned property? Been married? Been in jail? Won the lottery? Etc. That way you'll know a little bit about him before making contact, if that is what you choose to do. About actually reaching out to him, really anything could happen. I'd suggest making the decisions about hows and whys and wheres, etc, after you find him and do a little background research on him - you'll have a better sense of the best way to go about it then because he won't be as a big a mystery to you as he is right now. Best of luck to you.
posted by hazleweather at 8:04 PM on September 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

You could run classified ads in the papers around the area where she lived at the time. "Looking for any information on , born approx. 19xx, for genealogy project."

Might look into verifying how old the writing on the back of the photo is, are you sure that she wouldn't have lied about the name?

Another approach to try in the papers would be to run a small photo ad, crop the photo so it only shows him.
posted by yohko at 12:11 PM on September 25, 2009

Excellent, thanks for the update!
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:17 PM on October 22, 2009