Humorocity
September 19, 2009 2:01 PM Subscribe
So much seriousness and all I want to know is; what is your favorite joke?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, chatfilter -- mathowie
A nurse says to a patient, 'No, of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. I've been doing this for 20 years. Now, what's your problem?'.
The patient lowers his pants to reveal the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was about the size of a AAA battery. She couldn't help herself. She started to giggle, and soon fell to the floor crying with laughter.
Eventually she got herself under control, and apologised profusely. 'I don't know what came over me', she stammered, 'I promise that will NOT happen again. Now, what is the problem?'.
He answered, 'it's swollen'.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:07 PM on September 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
The patient lowers his pants to reveal the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was about the size of a AAA battery. She couldn't help herself. She started to giggle, and soon fell to the floor crying with laughter.
Eventually she got herself under control, and apologised profusely. 'I don't know what came over me', she stammered, 'I promise that will NOT happen again. Now, what is the problem?'.
He answered, 'it's swollen'.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:07 PM on September 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
"No, no, doctor... I said acute angina!"
"No, no, nurse... I said prick his boil!"
So, um, casually sexist medical humor for me, apparently. (Examines cuticle with a non-chalant air, whistles idly.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:11 PM on September 19, 2009
"No, no, nurse... I said prick his boil!"
So, um, casually sexist medical humor for me, apparently. (Examines cuticle with a non-chalant air, whistles idly.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:11 PM on September 19, 2009
Here is a previous thread of Mefites telling jokes. Ah, favorites, you finally have a use besides inflating my ego.
Here is my favorite joke. It helps to memorize all the punchlines, because most people (that I know, at least) have heard at least one of them.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I dunno, it's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to do it, and four to blog about it.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to do it, and two to talk about how much better the old lightbulb was.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You mean you haven't heard?!?!?
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:14 PM on September 19, 2009 [10 favorites]
Here is my favorite joke. It helps to memorize all the punchlines, because most people (that I know, at least) have heard at least one of them.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I dunno, it's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to do it, and four to blog about it.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to do it, and two to talk about how much better the old lightbulb was.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You mean you haven't heard?!?!?
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:14 PM on September 19, 2009 [10 favorites]
A guy goes to a shrink and explains his problem, "Doctor, one day I think I'm a tee-pee, the next day I think I'm a wig-wam. Tee-pee, wig-wam, tee-pee, wig-wam over and over again. It never stops, tee-pee, wig-wam!"
The doctor says, "I think I know what's wrong. You're too tense."
Submitted by Bill from Virginia.
posted by ageispolis at 2:14 PM on September 19, 2009
The doctor says, "I think I know what's wrong. You're too tense."
Submitted by Bill from Virginia.
posted by ageispolis at 2:14 PM on September 19, 2009
I loved this previous askme for "slightly dirty for grandma" jokes (here's my previous contribution and they still make me chuckle).
posted by ceri richard at 2:16 PM on September 19, 2009
posted by ceri richard at 2:16 PM on September 19, 2009
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
posted by x46 at 2:18 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by x46 at 2:18 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Two of my faves:
As Nietzsche famously said, "If you stare too long into the Abyss, 1d4 Tanar'ri of random type will attack you."
and
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!"
posted by PontifexPrimus at 2:20 PM on September 19, 2009 [6 favorites]
As Nietzsche famously said, "If you stare too long into the Abyss, 1d4 Tanar'ri of random type will attack you."
and
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!"
posted by PontifexPrimus at 2:20 PM on September 19, 2009 [6 favorites]
I updated my Myspace to make my ex-wife jealous. It's got a big old picture of me being emotionally available. -John Tole
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 2:25 PM on September 19, 2009
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 2:25 PM on September 19, 2009
Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:27 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:27 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
So everybody knows the pirate-with-a-steering-wheel-in-his-pants "it's driving me nuts" joke already, right? But when he walks into a bar with a giant integral sign sticking out of his pants and the bartender asks what's up, he says, "arrrr, it's derivin' me nuts."
posted by nonane at 2:28 PM on September 19, 2009
posted by nonane at 2:28 PM on September 19, 2009
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
posted by amyms at 2:29 PM on September 19, 2009
To get to the other slide.
posted by amyms at 2:29 PM on September 19, 2009
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bessie the Interrupting Cow.
Bessie the Interru...
MOOOOO!
posted by amyms at 2:31 PM on September 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
Who's there?
Bessie the Interrupting Cow.
Bessie the Interru...
MOOOOO!
posted by amyms at 2:31 PM on September 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
Female Labour MPs have been complaining that they’ve not been handed positions in the new cabinet. Who wants to be given a position in Gordon Brown’s cabinet? It's the equivalent of being handed a pair of pilot goggles by Emperor Hirohito.
posted by fire&wings at 2:33 PM on September 19, 2009
posted by fire&wings at 2:33 PM on September 19, 2009
This is really meant to be performed:
A bear and a rabbit are sitting side-by-side down at the river, taking a dump. The bear frowns, looks down at the rabbit and says: "Let me ask you something personal. Do you ... ya know ... do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shrugs, "Well, no ... not really." Bears goes "Great!!" [ THIS IS WHERE YOU PANTOMIME REACHING DOWN, GRABBING THE RABBIT AND USING IT TO WIPE YOUR ASS].
posted by RavinDave at 2:38 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
A bear and a rabbit are sitting side-by-side down at the river, taking a dump. The bear frowns, looks down at the rabbit and says: "Let me ask you something personal. Do you ... ya know ... do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shrugs, "Well, no ... not really." Bears goes "Great!!" [ THIS IS WHERE YOU PANTOMIME REACHING DOWN, GRABBING THE RABBIT AND USING IT TO WIPE YOUR ASS].
posted by RavinDave at 2:38 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: To hide in cherry trees.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: Because they're constantly falling out of cherry trees.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails blue?
A: To hide in blueberry bushes.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails green?
A: To hide on pool tables.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant on a pool table?
A: No? It works pretty well, then, doesn't it?
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants charging?
A: "Here come the elephants!"
Q: What did Tarzan say?
A: "Here come the plums!" See, Tarzan was colorblind.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:49 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
A: Their color.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: To hide in cherry trees.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: Because they're constantly falling out of cherry trees.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails blue?
A: To hide in blueberry bushes.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails green?
A: To hide on pool tables.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant on a pool table?
A: No? It works pretty well, then, doesn't it?
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants charging?
A: "Here come the elephants!"
Q: What did Tarzan say?
A: "Here come the plums!" See, Tarzan was colorblind.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:49 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
skeleton walks into a bar and says "gimme a beer and a mop"
posted by Redhush at 2:51 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Redhush at 2:51 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
how do you make an elephant fly.... it takes about three feet of zipper
posted by Redhush at 2:52 PM on September 19, 2009
posted by Redhush at 2:52 PM on September 19, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
When it's ajar.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 2:04 PM on September 19, 2009 [1 favorite]