Do men who date porn stars continue to use porn?

September 9, 2009 8:44 AM

Do men who date porn stars continue to use porn?

In a lot of advice columns, I keep seeing upset letters from women whose male partners use porn. Everything else in their relationship is great, except for that. So I was wondering if anyone here knew an actual person who was dating a porn actress, and had inside knowledge as to whether they continued to use porn.

posted by Sully to human relations (16 comments total)

Yes. I have friends who have dated porn stars, strippers, etc. They still like/use porn. I don't see why they wouldn't.
posted by jessamyn at 8:45 AM on September 9

Speaking from (limited) experience, yes.

Porn isn't a replacement for sex or for one's partner. It's a wholly separate activity.
posted by eustacescrubb at 8:46 AM on September 9

My totally anecdotal and limited experience with this was that the one person I knew who dated a porn star was unusually vocal about being into porn in the first place, and continued to be equally vocal, if not more vocal about it, while dating said actress.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:55 AM on September 9

I have a friend who dated a stripper and continued to go to strip joints.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:57 AM on September 9

Why would they stop? I would imagine that a porn star wouldn't have a problem with her BF watching the output of her own industry. There were a couple articles in Salon a while ago by a so-called "normal" guy and a porn star after they broke up. The porn star mentioned how the guy had a huge porn collection, and neither one said that he got rid of it. I can't seem to find it now though. It was an interesting set of articles if you're interested in knowing what it's like to date a porn star.
posted by delmoi at 9:02 AM on September 9

Yes.
posted by OmieWise at 9:16 AM on September 9

Echoing JohnnyGunn and admittedly not exactly what you were asking, but I worked in a go-go bar and dated a stripper a lot longer ago than I care to think about and that didn't stop me from going to other strip clubs with my friends.
posted by JaredSeth at 9:22 AM on September 9

Presumably the porn star is not going to be working while at home. I don't think we can assume that dating a person who also happens to be an actress in porn films, is the same as having constant access to the fantasy moment that is acted out in said films.

Also, as stated upthread, it's not the same activity at all.
posted by purpletangerine at 9:26 AM on September 9 [3 favorites has favorites]

I think that thinking dating a porn star = no more porn is indicative of the mindset that finds porn a relationship threat, as if the porn were a third partner. The women who are upset about their men watching porn usually talk about it in a competitive way - am I not enough for you, you think those women are sexier than me, etc.
Whereas, as other have said, porn watching is simply a different activity. I'm a woman who watches porn and I don't care what my husband looks at. That's his private time and I don't own it.
Bit of a tangent there but - porn isn't about wanting a better sexual partner, which would make it irrelevant if one has the theoretical perfect sexual partner. Sex within a relationship is about the two of you, porn is a satisfying daydream...
posted by Billegible at 9:32 AM on September 9 [2 favorites has favorites]

yes.

people in the industry see it as a job, it becomes routine pretty quickly and it's quite different than what you perceive it as from the outside. the porn you consume at home has nothing to do with the work you or your partner does, even if it's technically similar.

also: just because you are a baker doesn't mean you wouldn't look at other cakes.
posted by krautland at 9:54 AM on September 9

My girlfriend makes great cheeseburgers, but I still go to In N Out when I can.

Humans crave variety.
posted by rokusan at 10:15 AM on September 9 [9 favorites has favorites]

am I not enough for you, you think those women are sexier than me, etc.

Yeah. I don't know if it was poster's intent, but that's exactly what I first thought when I read this question too (that attitude is on my instant DTMFA list). It makes as much sense as, I think:

Now that we have a stove, do we need to go out to dinner ever again?
Now that I have a car, should I just sell my bike and rollerblades?
Now that I've graduated, should I stop reading books?

There are also variations on "Why do you need to watch movies with conversations in them? Aren't I enough to talk to?" to consider.
posted by rokusan at 10:23 AM on September 9

There's another way to read the question, which is "If you know all about the conditions porn is made under, you're forced to see the actors as human, and you've had the mystique stripped away by daily conversations about work with your porn star SO, is watching the stuff still any fun?"

And you know, some people do stop watching porn when they learn about the industry, just like some people stop eating meat when they learn about slaughterhouses. But most don't. And it strikes me that the sort of person who objects to the porn industry's practices isn't likely to date a porn star, any more than a vegan is to date a meatpacker.

So, same answer, different explanation.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:51 AM on September 9 [4 favorites has favorites]

Probably at the same rate that people who date television actors use television.
posted by gjc at 12:06 PM on September 9 [1 favorite has favorites]

There's another way to read the question, which is "If you know all about the conditions porn is made under, you're forced to see the actors as human, and you've had the mystique stripped away by daily conversations about work with your porn star SO, is watching the stuff still any fun?"

I like that take on it. Mind you, I know people who work in film and it makes watching the movies more fun because I know some dirt about some of the people involved. Same might apply to porn films.
posted by Billegible at 12:43 PM on September 9

The one guy I knew who dated porn stars ran a porn site, way back in the late 1990s.

So, uh, yeah.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 3:24 PM on September 9