Jump in, the water's fine

September 8, 2009 11:04 AM

Why don't I know what I want? I seem to have always had trouble making decisions. As I've gotten older I've gotten better at making quicker consumer decisions w/out analyzing all the info (mentioned b/c this was actually a major life change for me, after reading Barry Schwartz's the Paradox of Choice), but I'm having a lot of trouble with the bigger picture.

Issues both big and small: should we get a dog? should I sign up to volunteer someplace? Is it wasting everybody's time to interview if I'm not sure I'd enjoy this job? I like the freedom of parttime/contract work, but am I sacrificing fulfillment I might find in a career? Is now a good time to start our family? Do we want a family?

It feels like I'm on the sidelines watching a game(life) going on. These are things it seems many other people don't even give much thought to, they just jump in. When I ask myself 'what do I want' I get overwhelmed, depressed and spiral down.

Some would argue, don't stress about it, just go with the flow, but the trouble is, I'm in my late 30's and I feel like I should have a little bit of a plan (particularly the family thing). I know life is unpredictable, but it seems by not having any plan at all I'm missing out on experiences that would contribute to a richer life - connections, memories, joys, sadness, growth... and instead am just sort of living numbly.

I don't think it's an issue of being afraid of risks, per se, but in the past when I've taken risks I've always had a clear conviction about what I wanted. OTOH I feel like part of my problem may be past situations where I either took the path of least resistance or made a spontaneous decision and in hindsight wish I had done something differently. I definitely have a problem with evaluating current decisions in terms of possible missed opportunities in the future. Although it wasn't 2nd nature to me, I have gotten ok with the whole 'go out try it, fail, make mistakes, try again, savor the process' philosophy. I just seem to have trouble applying that to the big decisions

Also, because if seems relevant, for much of my adult life I had a long term goal I was working towards and had built much of life around. About a year ago I realized that I had achieved what I originally set out to do. I have a new related goal now, but it's less defined, with a longer timeline, and isn't as much a driving force in how I'm living my daily life. I think part of my problem stems from being so focused on the old goal, and am little lost now that it's past.

Any advice on how to tackle this? I've read a lot of 'find your path' books, but I feel like I need concrete actionable steps. Do you think it warrants seeing a therapist? I tried last year and despite being hopeful it would help, it was a rather disappointing and frustrating experience, the therapist just kept telling me 'acceptance is key'. I understand what she meant, but I want to be pushed harder, have someone who will work with me to find the real issues, adjust how I think about things, call me out on my bs, etc. I'm would love to try again with a different therapist, any suggestions on finding that person (I live in a small town in CA)?

Do I need to just get out of my head, am I soft because my life is just too darn easy? I feel like there's a part of me waiting to be unlocked. If I really didn't know deep down somewhere what I wanted, wouldn't I just be happy with the status quo? Thanks for your wisdom!!

posted by snowymorninblues to human relations (8 comments total)

I'd say you could start by just forcing yourself to make a decision on some of the more "medium" things, and realizing that it's OK to make the wrong decision sometimes.

"Should I volunteer somewhere?"

Okay, make a decision. Yes. Go volunteer at a soup kitchen.

If it doesn't work out, what's the worst thing that happens? You quit doing it and either go find some other form of volunteer work, or you just don't do any volunteer work.

That isn't so bad, is it?

I think that's the key... no book is going to teach you as well as experience... Make some decisions... the ones that turn out well will reinforce your confidence, while dealing with the ones that "fail" will make you realize that it's not the end of the world if you made the wrong decision. You learn from it, and continue making more of them.
posted by twiggy at 11:10 AM on September 8

I want to be pushed harder

Being pushed is a way to have your therapist make the decision for you as to how you should be.
posted by Obscure Reference at 11:19 AM on September 8

"I want to be pushed harder"
Being pushed is a way to have your therapist make the decision for you as to how you should be.
Clarification: I didn't mean that I wanted to be pushed into a decision, I want to be pushed into honesty with myself, if that makes sense.
posted by snowymorninblues at 11:41 AM on September 8

That isn't so bad, is it?
I think that's the key... no book is going to teach you as well as experience... Make some decisions... the ones that turn out well will reinforce your confidence, while dealing with the ones that "fail" will make you realize that it's not the end of the world if you made the wrong decision. You learn from it, and continue making more of them.

OP 2nd Clarification: I think my trouble isn't with fearing I'll make a decision that might turns out wrong, but rather with decisions that involve commitments. i.e. part of why I'm on the fence about volunteering(I'm thinking tutoring/big sisters, etc., something with a personal connection) is that I'm not sure what my future holds beyond the next couple months, and I'd hate to have to stop a couple months in. Being unable to make big decisions is creating a great deal of uncertainty with my future and that's making smaller decisions difficult.

So for that ?, probably the thing to do is look for an opportunity that doesn't require a long term commitment.
posted by snowymorninblues at 11:52 AM on September 8

Am I soft because my life is just too darn easy?

This stood out to me. It sounds like you'd benefit by making yourself go outside your comfort zone. It doesn't really work if someone else makes you do it. You need to do it yourself.

So, yes, volunteer somewhere, preferably somewhere that's more challenging than, say, a preschool. I worked for awhile at detox, which meant dealing regularly with hard-core alcoholics and drug addicts, and that certainly clarified what's important to me. It could also be helpful to volunteer with illegal immigrants or others who are living precarious existences.

If you're concerned about making a commitment, then maybe just go into neighborhoods that make you uncomfortable. Go to events that are very different from events you'd normally attend and that attract people you know little about or actively avoid (fringe political gatherings, fundamentalist gatherings...). Go to events that are attended primarily by people of a different culture, where you'll be the odd one out and won't be able to understand much. You get the idea. These experiences do a lot to help you see yourself more clearly.
posted by PatoPata at 11:58 AM on September 8

As far as the decision-making part of your question: write out the pros and cons with your partner. That should drive you towards a decision. If neither option jumps out, at that point it's okay to literally toss a coin to decide. You've done the evaluation, and now it's matter of acting. Just toss that coin and don't second guess yourself.
posted by txvtchick at 12:02 PM on September 8

I want to be pushed into honesty with myself

My thought is that given that you're looking for help with life path and goals, maybe working with a life coach would be more productive for you right now than working with a therapist.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:07 PM on September 8

I want to be pushed into honesty with myself

I knew what you meant. I was pushing you, but it's hard to do in text. Let me try again.

If you're looking (as EvaDistruction says) for help with life path and goals, a life coach is the way to go. If you're looking to understand the dynamics of your indecisiveness, you need to understand the wish to be pushed in this context. There's a feeling that there are correct decisions that someone outside you, preferably someone expert, could tell you. There's a wish to be taken care of. (There are also the opposite feelings but those are usually more comfortable and one doesn't need to be pushed to be made aware of them.) Though I believe that therapists tend to err on the side of being insufficiently pushy, your discomfort accompanying decisions without a clear conviction, (your own or someone else's) needs to be faced, not bypassed.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:21 AM on September 9