How do I compensate my hosts?
December 16, 2004 2:04 PM Subscribe
Hypothetical: You're abroad, temporarily resident in the home of strangers. Not a vacation. The shelter was voluntarily offered at no cost. You are vastly rich by comparison to your host/hostess. But you know they will refuse any money you give them, no matter what--it's not a coy negotiation technique. Gifts of baubles and luxuries aren't needed so much as basics. You can give the children sweets, but if you do anything more appropriate, such as buy meat for the household or pay to have the well pump fixed, your hosts will truly be insulted. Yet, you cannot leave without doing something: your religion/conscience/mother/employer requires it, and you might be back. There are no "oh, s/he's a foreigner" excuses. How do you monetarily or otherwise successfully compensate your hosts so everyone retains honor?
Yah, I've run into that one before.
Sometimes I just force an excessive gift; this is usally ok (kindof) when the folks have become good friends. Ie., I'm allowed to make them feel uncomfortable.
With people I know less well, it's a problem. I guess, to expand on what fenriq says, they'll be much more comfortable with a gift of something that isn't just your money. A performance? A serious token of your affection, like a valued posession (even one easily replaced)? I've given away things that, I think, were valuable because they were remembrances of me. That kind-of seemed to work.
P.S. -- Where are ya headed?
Just remember that, as they are worth far more than their poverty, you are worth far more than your wealth.
posted by metaculpa at 2:11 PM on December 16, 2004
Sometimes I just force an excessive gift; this is usally ok (kindof) when the folks have become good friends. Ie., I'm allowed to make them feel uncomfortable.
With people I know less well, it's a problem. I guess, to expand on what fenriq says, they'll be much more comfortable with a gift of something that isn't just your money. A performance? A serious token of your affection, like a valued posession (even one easily replaced)? I've given away things that, I think, were valuable because they were remembrances of me. That kind-of seemed to work.
P.S. -- Where are ya headed?
Just remember that, as they are worth far more than their poverty, you are worth far more than your wealth.
posted by metaculpa at 2:11 PM on December 16, 2004
?! Those last lines were reversed on preview. Odd.
posted by metaculpa at 2:12 PM on December 16, 2004
posted by metaculpa at 2:12 PM on December 16, 2004
I'll second fenriq.
I would also suggest getting around the buying meat problem by offering to cook a meal or two, and just purchasing the ingredients yourself. If that wouldn't work, maybe take them out to dinner?
posted by bh at 2:13 PM on December 16, 2004
I would also suggest getting around the buying meat problem by offering to cook a meal or two, and just purchasing the ingredients yourself. If that wouldn't work, maybe take them out to dinner?
posted by bh at 2:13 PM on December 16, 2004
Yeah, labour is a good option. Depending on the cultural context, there may be something meaningful and valuable you can do by way of performance at an occasion (ie singing, whatever).
My first thought would be to take aside an older relative, and put the question in a hypothetical manner. "If a person feels wishes to perform a favour for another person without insulting them, what should they do?" There is always a way, you just need an informant to tell you what it is.
To be any more helpful, you need to say which culture you are talking about. "Abroad" is too vague.
Another angle - you position your favour so that ostensibly, they are helping you.
Yet another angle - you repay your debt anonymously or through an intermediary after you have gone. If the local council mysteriously gets a new well dug two months after you left, does it matter if your hosts don't know it was you?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:20 PM on December 16, 2004
My first thought would be to take aside an older relative, and put the question in a hypothetical manner. "If a person feels wishes to perform a favour for another person without insulting them, what should they do?" There is always a way, you just need an informant to tell you what it is.
To be any more helpful, you need to say which culture you are talking about. "Abroad" is too vague.
Another angle - you position your favour so that ostensibly, they are helping you.
Yet another angle - you repay your debt anonymously or through an intermediary after you have gone. If the local council mysteriously gets a new well dug two months after you left, does it matter if your hosts don't know it was you?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:20 PM on December 16, 2004
I would also suggest getting around the buying meat problem by offering to cook a meal or two, and just purchasing the ingredients yourself. If that wouldn't work, maybe take them out to dinner?
oooh. good idea. you could cook a meal and buy way too much food and leave it at their house.
posted by fishfucker at 2:22 PM on December 16, 2004
oooh. good idea. you could cook a meal and buy way too much food and leave it at their house.
posted by fishfucker at 2:22 PM on December 16, 2004
The anonymous gift or favour seems like a good idea.
posted by raedyn at 2:31 PM on December 16, 2004
posted by raedyn at 2:31 PM on December 16, 2004
You don't say where you are but in many settings I find pens, pencils and notebooks for the kids always seems a nice offering.
posted by arse_hat at 2:36 PM on December 16, 2004
posted by arse_hat at 2:36 PM on December 16, 2004
How about doing something for their community, or an organization in their community that they approve of (clinic/hospital, school, worthy religious institution...)? Possibly in their name, though that would depend on culture etc. They may not get direct personal benefit from such an act, but it would salve your conscience, would help their community, and might be more acceptable to them than a personal gift.
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 2:53 PM on December 16, 2004
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 2:53 PM on December 16, 2004
Oh, the eternal anthropological confusion surrounding the gift
Some things fall between luxuries and basics and may avoid some of the honour issues. When I visited friends in pre-war Montenegro I saw how impossible it was to get coffee. I arranged to get them five kilos of green beans after I left and I think they welcomed that, and were not embarassed because it was no reflection on their own (in)ability to provide it - it wasn't available, it was desired, but it wasn't ostentatious nor a staple of life.
Its not clear how poor these people are, but parents might welcome a gift for the children. Books, educational materials, subscriptions to colourful magazines? Every year send something to their children and slowly you will repay this debt of hospitalityin a low-key way?
posted by Rumple at 2:55 PM on December 16, 2004 [2 favorites]
Some things fall between luxuries and basics and may avoid some of the honour issues. When I visited friends in pre-war Montenegro I saw how impossible it was to get coffee. I arranged to get them five kilos of green beans after I left and I think they welcomed that, and were not embarassed because it was no reflection on their own (in)ability to provide it - it wasn't available, it was desired, but it wasn't ostentatious nor a staple of life.
Its not clear how poor these people are, but parents might welcome a gift for the children. Books, educational materials, subscriptions to colourful magazines? Every year send something to their children and slowly you will repay this debt of hospitalityin a low-key way?
posted by Rumple at 2:55 PM on December 16, 2004 [2 favorites]
You could always buy them one of those jewel-encrusted Sidekicks. I mean, who doesn't want one of those?
How about "Where I come from, it is considered rude to be a guest and not show your appreciation by organizing a feast on the parting day. My ancestors will be deeply insulted if you refuse this small attempt to equalize the cosmic imbalance for the great hospitality you've shown me." ?
posted by Caviar at 3:12 PM on December 16, 2004
How about "Where I come from, it is considered rude to be a guest and not show your appreciation by organizing a feast on the parting day. My ancestors will be deeply insulted if you refuse this small attempt to equalize the cosmic imbalance for the great hospitality you've shown me." ?
posted by Caviar at 3:12 PM on December 16, 2004
Note that "religion/conscience/mother/employer" are not all the same thing. An anonymous gift would likely be okay for the first three, but not the last.
Perhaps just have your company send them something in thanks for putting you up.
posted by Caviar at 3:15 PM on December 16, 2004
Perhaps just have your company send them something in thanks for putting you up.
posted by Caviar at 3:15 PM on December 16, 2004
If the family or village makes a product, buy lots as souvenirs. Could you send books or gifts from your culture later? Many good ideas above.
And, while you want them to have some of your financial wealth, make sure you display your gratitude not just for their sharing of scarce resources, but also for their generosity of spirit.
posted by theora55 at 3:25 PM on December 16, 2004
And, while you want them to have some of your financial wealth, make sure you display your gratitude not just for their sharing of scarce resources, but also for their generosity of spirit.
posted by theora55 at 3:25 PM on December 16, 2004
I don't know where you're going but from what you say about your hosts' dispositions it sounds like a culture where gifts are expected and appreciated and not insulting. Can some of these be nice/luxury versions of necessities?
posted by Pattie at 3:33 PM on December 16, 2004
posted by Pattie at 3:33 PM on December 16, 2004
Tell them that their limitations on your gifts, given the hospitality they have shown makes you feel ungrateful and that they must concede at least one significant item with which you can show your appreciation of their efforts. Work with them on it.
Tell them that when you return home, people will be expecting that you gave something and will consider that you were rude if you did not.
posted by krisjohn at 3:35 PM on December 16, 2004
Tell them that when you return home, people will be expecting that you gave something and will consider that you were rude if you did not.
posted by krisjohn at 3:35 PM on December 16, 2004
what krisjohn says, but failing that sending them something by mail after the fact gets around having them refusing to take it while you're there.
posted by juv3nal at 5:08 PM on December 16, 2004
posted by juv3nal at 5:08 PM on December 16, 2004
One other thing - maybe these hypothetical people are genuinely proud of providing you with something that you can't reciprocate. So maybe the really, really gracious thing to do is to let them enjoy it. Otherwise, you're turning a gift into a transaction.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:57 PM on December 16, 2004 [1 favorite]
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:57 PM on December 16, 2004 [1 favorite]
I've been in this situation before, but usually only short term like a weekend and I would deal with it by making a [meat filled] meal and sharing it with everyone, enough for two days. Other things you can try
- paying the neighbor guy to fix the pump after you leave. They certainly won't tell him NOT to do it. Even moreso, pay for some wood to be delivered or something that is more demonstrably useful. In the communities that I have been in, not wanting something useful to go to waste often trumps not wanting to be the benificiary of someone's largesse
- consider something culturally valuable that is not necessarily expensive. Photos of you and them in nice frames [sent from when you get home] for example, or something from where you are from that would be a considerate and possibly useful addition to their home.
- I like the low key approach, send something for their children on a regular basis that may not seem like a lot at any one time, but over time not only adds up but shows a continued connection that says more than any particular gift could.
And, of course, at the time, just being grateful and appreciative and helpful around the place [cleaning up, runnign errands, looking after kids] is a big help.
posted by jessamyn at 7:15 PM on December 16, 2004
- paying the neighbor guy to fix the pump after you leave. They certainly won't tell him NOT to do it. Even moreso, pay for some wood to be delivered or something that is more demonstrably useful. In the communities that I have been in, not wanting something useful to go to waste often trumps not wanting to be the benificiary of someone's largesse
- consider something culturally valuable that is not necessarily expensive. Photos of you and them in nice frames [sent from when you get home] for example, or something from where you are from that would be a considerate and possibly useful addition to their home.
- I like the low key approach, send something for their children on a regular basis that may not seem like a lot at any one time, but over time not only adds up but shows a continued connection that says more than any particular gift could.
And, of course, at the time, just being grateful and appreciative and helpful around the place [cleaning up, runnign errands, looking after kids] is a big help.
posted by jessamyn at 7:15 PM on December 16, 2004
Response by poster: Cool responses. Thanks, everyone. Alas, I am not going anywhere exciting. Oakland for a professional conference in January does not count. It really was hypothetical. It started out as a story idea and may yet end up as one.
My solutions to the problem were similar to those provided:
--Labor. Any task in which another strong back or pair of hands is always welcome, or better, a task that cannot be done without help. Rounding up animals every day, irrigating plants, cutting firewood, repairing a roof, rebuilding a wall, cleaning stones out of a field, hauling things, loading things, unloading things, etc.
--Secret or not-gift gifts: packages sent from afar, a radio that I supposedly am not permitted to leave the country with that I must leave with my hosts, books that I have read so and don't need to read again (whether true or not), money slipped into the sugar bowl or wherever the family kitty or secret cache is (this is a particularly good one if you can find it; easiest way is to just ask for change for a big bill and then see where they go).
--Learning gifts: English lessons, math tutoring, new sports and games, new songs, new meals (the cooking idea is a super one, as long as you can really cook, and you don't get to freakishly foreign on them: usually they just want hamburgers from Americans; vegan meals go over like a shit balloon in many countries).
--Performance gifts: permit myself to be shown off as the special foreigner, which in many places can give a family a bit of prestige, singing or dancing (particularly if you dance like a dope: people think the goofy-footed foreigner is a hoot), any kind of extra sports skill like super-great throwing or strength or judo or something.
posted by Mo Nickels at 9:19 PM on December 16, 2004
My solutions to the problem were similar to those provided:
--Labor. Any task in which another strong back or pair of hands is always welcome, or better, a task that cannot be done without help. Rounding up animals every day, irrigating plants, cutting firewood, repairing a roof, rebuilding a wall, cleaning stones out of a field, hauling things, loading things, unloading things, etc.
--Secret or not-gift gifts: packages sent from afar, a radio that I supposedly am not permitted to leave the country with that I must leave with my hosts, books that I have read so and don't need to read again (whether true or not), money slipped into the sugar bowl or wherever the family kitty or secret cache is (this is a particularly good one if you can find it; easiest way is to just ask for change for a big bill and then see where they go).
--Learning gifts: English lessons, math tutoring, new sports and games, new songs, new meals (the cooking idea is a super one, as long as you can really cook, and you don't get to freakishly foreign on them: usually they just want hamburgers from Americans; vegan meals go over like a shit balloon in many countries).
--Performance gifts: permit myself to be shown off as the special foreigner, which in many places can give a family a bit of prestige, singing or dancing (particularly if you dance like a dope: people think the goofy-footed foreigner is a hoot), any kind of extra sports skill like super-great throwing or strength or judo or something.
posted by Mo Nickels at 9:19 PM on December 16, 2004
Response by poster: Regarding the employer not being the same as the others: I was thinking of an NGO or evangelical organization, not an ITT or Raytheon type of operation. Employer as in, "the organization placed me here but has little control over my activities, except to say: Do good."
So maybe the really, really gracious thing to do is to let them enjoy it. Otherwise, you're turning a gift into a transaction.
This is a valid point and what I have been mulling over for a while as the necessary source of tension if the idea becomes a story.
posted by Mo Nickels at 9:26 PM on December 16, 2004
So maybe the really, really gracious thing to do is to let them enjoy it. Otherwise, you're turning a gift into a transaction.
This is a valid point and what I have been mulling over for a while as the necessary source of tension if the idea becomes a story.
posted by Mo Nickels at 9:26 PM on December 16, 2004
In the culture I grew up in, taking them out for a nice (beyond what they are used to - if you can afford it) dinner would go over very very nicely.
posted by ruwan at 10:38 PM on December 16, 2004
posted by ruwan at 10:38 PM on December 16, 2004
My solutions to the problem were similar to those provided:
You forgot Rememberance gifts. Jessamyn's suggestion of a framed photograph is an easy, no-frills gift that is just about impossible to turn down.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:25 PM on December 16, 2004 [1 favorite]
You forgot Rememberance gifts. Jessamyn's suggestion of a framed photograph is an easy, no-frills gift that is just about impossible to turn down.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:25 PM on December 16, 2004 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yes, the photos are a great idea. People love them. Although I don't like to send photos of just me, people do like to get recognizable shots of New York City, where I live.
posted by Mo Nickels at 7:35 AM on December 17, 2004
posted by Mo Nickels at 7:35 AM on December 17, 2004
I would second (third?) photos.
Take a whole roll of photos of their family including a few all-together "family photo"s (someone always blinks). Give 'em the photos before you leave, or send them later (if the mail's reliable) with a framed copy of the best one.
You can use the argument that they aren't really so much a "gift" as you also want photos (copies) to remember them by.
posted by blueberry at 10:58 AM on December 17, 2004 [1 favorite]
Take a whole roll of photos of their family including a few all-together "family photo"s (someone always blinks). Give 'em the photos before you leave, or send them later (if the mail's reliable) with a framed copy of the best one.
You can use the argument that they aren't really so much a "gift" as you also want photos (copies) to remember them by.
posted by blueberry at 10:58 AM on December 17, 2004 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by fenriq at 2:07 PM on December 16, 2004