I... don't... touch people.

August 9, 2009 8:37 PM

I can't touch people. I just can't. What the hell?

I searched, but didn't find anything on this, surprisingly.

As a boy I grew up very isolated, and missed the usual rites, rituals and landmarks of sociability and dating. I wasn't physically abused (verbally, though). In my late twenties, I now have a good number of friends and acquaintances; I go out to parties and events, and sometimes I get a bit smashed, but not always. As far as dating, I've gone out with women, but I'm really afraid of misreading body language and just kind of occupy my own space -- which probably isn't conducive to any progress.

Which brings me to my main problem. I'm not comfortable touching people. Even patting someone on the back, male or female, feels unnatural, like I'm doing an imitation of someone else. It doesn't really bother me when someone puts an arm around me, or a girl sits in close contact, but simultaneously I wonder what made them decide to do that; like what gave them permission. At the thought of doing that, I feel like I'm invading personal space. The times I've tried, I felt creepy and withdrew as quickly (if awkwardly) as possible. A woman made me repeatedly re-hug her because I was doing it wrong; I wasn't coming in straight on, leaving too much space.

I'm not very good at them, but I'll participate in sports (competitive and not), go jogging and the like. But I won't dance because I feel uncomfortable and am terrified of looking stupid. I also don't like the way people look dancing, or being surrounded by so many bodies. The idea of moving around for its own sake, out of the joy of the physicality of it, doesn't really resonate with me. I feel like it's something I may have to confront eventually, but I don't really look forward to it.

If I sound like a prick/weirdo, apologies, but I'm being painfully honest. My question is part what the fuck is wrong with me? and part what the fuck should I do?

posted by anonymous to human relations (27 comments total)

1) Fake it until you make it. As with most things in life, your skills at initiating and receiving physical contact will improve with practice

2) Sounds like you have serious self-esteem issues if you're that worried about what everyone else thinks. Do some self-examining to figure out why you feel this way, and if you can't figure it out, find a professional who can help.
posted by chrisamiller at 8:54 PM on August 9 [3 favorites]

It's just how you were socialized. I have the same issue, though I don't consider it a "problem"--my normative "personal bubble" is simply bigger and its borders stricter than others'.

There can be some advantage to this; in the U.S. business setting where there are issues with sexual harassment, short of a handshake it's best not to touch anyone anyway.

Granted, there are extremes of course, and yours sounds like one. There's another possibility besides the personal bubble interpretation for your physical discomfort: You may just be completely uncomfortable with your own body to the extent that its workings and sensations are a bit alien to you (self-esteem may fit here as well). It wouldn't be a stretch for that kind of mentality to leak into how you interpret others' physical endeavors. Maybe it's a combination of both those issues--personal space and physical comfort--in your case.

I'm sure there must be a medical/psychological term for this. IANAE despite my own milder "don't touch me!" sign, but all I can add is what I've done: studied human anatomy and physiology, sexuality, and came to understand and fully accept how my own body works; and just practiced getting closer to a specific, much smaller group of understanding friends.

Unless it's a truly irrational phobia instead of a merely deeply rooted habit, these personal norms can pass with practice and exposure.
posted by Ky at 8:57 PM on August 9

Well, I grew up in a family that didn't do any touching after age 5 and MADE myself do it with my kids. In the last ten years I've deliberately not avoided it, and I can tell you, I've got better at it. Assuming you're a male, thinking about this: I have breasts that get squished in a hug so that's even more confusing.

So what's wrong with you? You're out of practice.
What should you do to fix it? Do it more often, and be prepared to do it wrong for a while (years even). Last Friday I hugged some friends hello and didn't even second guess how long or how hard I was doing it until just now when I read your question, so truly, you can get better at it.
posted by b33j at 8:58 PM on August 9 [3 favorites]

I think you can learn to be affectionate, you just need to learn it gradually. I have a dear male friend who grew up in a situation similar to yours, and the first few times I tried to hug him, he just didn't know what to do with it. The first few hugs were like body blocks, but now he's pretty good at it, and actually really likes it.

So talk to a compassionate person and let them help you. You will love it, it's good for you, and it's a great way to leave the isolated past behind.

Dancing is weird. And fun. And irrational. Welcome to the Monkeyhouse!
posted by effluvia at 9:00 PM on August 9 [3 favorites]

If getting more comfortable with touch is a goal for you, you could formally introduce more of it into your life, gradually increasing your "dosage" as you gain confidence and comfort. Some things to try: doing more contact sports, taking a dance class (maybe something formal like ballroom wouldn't give you the creeps as much as club scene dancing does?), getting a massage from a massage therapist, that kind of thing.

I'm curious how you feel about pets? Maybe starting with a cat or dog would be a good introduction before diving into more contact with humans?
posted by serazin at 9:02 PM on August 9 [2 favorites]

I'm a girl in my mid-twenties, and I used to be exactly as you described (except for the not enjoying dancing for the sake of it part). I felt really awkward when I initiated any touching with friends and it always seemed "off," like I was doing it wrong, and I think the other party felt the same too. I never linked arms or hugged with my girl friends. My parents complained about my bad hugging. I don't even like to shake hands. I thought it was an inherent inability in me and I'd never get over it, but actually I got over it as soon as I started having regular physical contact with someone. That was at first very nerve-wracking for me, but now it's totally pleasant, and I can easily initiate. But with that said, I'm never going to be a touchy feely person, and I don't really like hugging anyone except close family/friends. So I guess my advice is to find a friend/partner who might enjoy cuddling, hugging. It will get easier very quickly, if you're like me.
posted by bread-eater at 9:07 PM on August 9 [2 favorites]

If you're worried about body language, I suggest getting a copy of The Definitive Book of Body Language. It's a great eye opener, it's very straightforward, and I can't recommend it enough. It's filled in a lot of mental gaps I've had in regards to reading the emotions of others.
posted by hellojed at 9:08 PM on August 9

I was the same way growing up- did not like to touch or be touched by people other than my parents, and even with my family I was as touchy as your average 15-year-old when I was as young as 5 (ie, ceremonial hugs, but no cuddles or lap-sitting). I vividly remember being in kindergarten and watching other kids touch each other, or the teacher, a lot, and being very weirded out by it; and imagining them touching me and feeling weird about that hypothetical situation, too. I was never abused or anything; it just wasn't part of my socialization. When I was in highschool, constant hugging became a social norm between girls- every morning they'd hug before class- and I thought it was so weird and fake and I refused to do it.

But then I started working in the arts, where there's a TON of freedom to touch other peoples' bodies in nonsexual ways. My theatre school classmates all changed in one big co-ed change room, hugged, wrestled, danced, piggybacked, cuddled, played lovers in scenes, massaged each other's backs as part of the curriculum, poked at lazy diaphragms, stretched tight hamstrings, you name it. And I thought it was weird... but gradually I warmed up to it. And eventually I kind of liked it.

Now I always hug my friends the first and last time I see them in a unit of time (ie, when they get into town and when they leave, or at the beginning and end of a party), and I'll toss a casual arm over a friend's shoulder at a happy moment. And I see a value in physical contact that I never saw before: physicality is a language that communicates very dense, visceral information. I can tell from a hug if a friend is tense or annoyed or worried or sad, even better than I can tell from their face or voice.

The first time I hug a new friend, I learn stuff about their overall emotional tenor- are they wound up, or relaxed? Sensual, or cerebral? Hugging different friends is like tasting different sauces. My friend Lisa is a plushy, warm hugger, all soft body and gentle, full-torso pressure and she sort of chuckles when you hug her- it's like sinking into an overstuffed velvet armchair. Her husband is a cooler, more polite hug, the light pressure and lower temperature emphasized by his straight-lined slim body, like a Barcelona chair. Hugging them both one after another is a pleasure- they're so different and yet both so good. It's a whole language, that runs all over and around personality, and reinforces or contrasts what you've already noticed socially about a person. It's a very interesting source of social information, plus it says "I like you", which is nice.

So. How can you get better?

If you have a touchyfeely friend you feel very comfortable with, you could just tell her you think it's weird and you wish it wasn't, thus giving her free rein to socially touch you.

I wouldn't suggest you initiate contact with people just yet- your timing will be weird and your body will be stiff from lack of practice and you might send weird signals, plus it's just awkward for you.

But try to accept people's touch. When someone hugs you, exhale as you come close to them, and let your whole upper chest and touch theirs (maybe not bellies, that can be more sexual). Don't pat or slap backs of people you hug, it's a nervous distraction that makes the hug uncomfortable. A single flat-handed rub of their upper back between the shoulder blades is good. If it's a close friend or a really huggy person who seems to want to extend the hug, try to not think about it cerebrally, but just enjoy it physically. Don't forget to breathe. When you let go, let your arms or hands drag across their back for a sec- don't just "drop the hug", sort of slightly "slide out of it".

High-fives, handshakes, and daps ("terrorist fist bumps", if you're an Obama) are a good way to ease into touching people. You can be jokey/ironic about it- my nerdy roommate always used to shake hands with people as he left the room, like "Well, nice to meet you!" even though we'd been friends for years.

And as you expand your touchy horizons, check in with yourself to see how you feel about it. Notice how different people hug or touch differently, what feels nice or weird. Watch other people, maybe other guys you look up to, and see how they touch other people. Eventually you can try to do the same.

A couple caveats: If a person you touched stiffens, just back off and keep acting normal, but don't touch them again. You might not have done anything "wrong", they just might not be into it, so give them space. Avoid casually touching women's waists or their bare skin above the elbow (like don't rub a bare shoulder or upper arm) unless you're trying to flirt. And finally it's totally OK if you never become a masseuse or something. But I do think every Westerner should be able to enjoy a hug, a cuddle from a loved one, a companionable arm on the shoulders, or a knee pat without stiffening, and feeling/acting weird- that's just good manners. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:22 PM on August 9 [23 favorites]

This is a situation where the body needs to lead the mind, because you can't generally think your way to physicality. But if you must read something, look into Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences for an approach that may shed some light on effectively coping with what you currently perceive as uncomfortable aspects of physicality. If you can adopt that model for understanding yourself, you may find that some training and experience along the bodily-kinesthetic axis allows you to begin to understand and appreciate phenomenon in your own being like muscle memory. Once you get a taste of how sensation and experience encode in your being, and amplify your ability to further experience life, you will have hooked into powerful positive feedback loops for pushing yourself to a more satisfying, well rounded, and possibly even socially rewarding life.

As for practical exercises, I suggest taking up boxing as a sport, if you are very touch averse. Initial training is a process of breaking down what you think you know about developing and concentrating physical power, and replacing that with proven techniques for actually doing so. Learning footwork, learning how to keep a speed bag moving in rhythm, learning how to make a heavy bag swing like a real live opponent, all happen before you start trading punches with another boxer. And those are all good skills, and ways of opening a communication with your own body, that serve as a basis for sparring with another person. But it is true that with those foundations, you will quickly learn a whole new level of physical and emotional communication skills, when you begin sparring. Learning to slip a punch, to block, to jab, to feint, and to grapple with an opponent, are all surprising mixtures of intellectual, physical and emotional activity, that draw your entire being into the very instant of now, with immediate, powerful feedback, in ways no other human activity does.

Learn to box, and you learn to be fully human.
posted by paulsc at 9:50 PM on August 9 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty untouchy (your question seems to approximate my attitudes). I have found that one way to get comfortable with touching people is to be involved with little kids - I have three nieces and nephews, and when they're so little they need to be carried everywhere there's a lot of absolutely necessary holding, and then you realise that they just have so much fun being tickled or you have to try and cuddle them to stop them crying that it becomes normal.
posted by jacalata at 10:12 PM on August 9

A woman made me repeatedly re-hug her because I was doing it wrong.

That's so cute. Was she a MeFi user?

You're not a prick or a weirdo (or at least not based on the info here, maybe you mutilate puppies but forgot to mention that, who knows), so relax. I'm pretty demonstrative for a guy, but lots of people don't love hugs and touching and so on, and they're pretty capable members of society.

In work settings, in particular, you're probably way better off being touch-averse: I've had some nasty reactions to, like, a shoulder tap. So better safe than sorry.

As for your personal life... I have to think that at some point there is going to be someone you want to touch, which could give you the chance to explore... very slowly.

If it gets awkward early, just say something like "I'm not good at touching." The kind of person worth being close to will understand and help you.
posted by rokusan at 1:35 AM on August 10

i'm a longtime dancer (raves, clubs, etc) and i think it's completely normal for people to feel awkward, concerned that everyone is looking at them, anxious, etc. when they first start dancing. it's the same way as anything else that you don't feel immediately good at. initially it feels all wrong and you hate it. then you keep doing it and doing it and doing it and after awhile it gets easier.

there's a reason why a lot of people at clubs/parties/raves drink alcohol or take drugs other than just because it's fun... it helps them relax and worry less about what everyone else thinks about them.

i'd suggest reading some psychological studies about what that phenomenon is called (the spotlight effect). it's easier to rationalize yourself out of it after you can realize that it's mostly your mind playing tricks on you. other people are most often thinking about themselves or something else and only occasionally thinking about you ;)
posted by groovinkim at 2:51 AM on August 10

I had this difficulty during high school too, but then I made friends with some touchy feelly girls. I just deemed their reactions were correct while mine were flawed, so I started hugging back, and voila problem disappeared.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:42 AM on August 10 [1 favorite]

A woman made me repeatedly re-hug her because I was doing it wrong; I wasn't coming in straight on, leaving too much space.

Whether or not you were doing it "wrong," no one should be forcing you to do it "right." Switch the genders here and anybody would call the other person, as a guy, a creep. Even without switching, sounds kinda rude to me.

You've gotten some good advice here about getting more comfortable with your physical space, but I wanted to chime with my experience as another non-touchy person (female). My family was never all that demonstrative, except in response to strong emotion (i.e. if someone were very upset, they would get a hug, or if it would be a long journey...) and I never thought much of it until I got to college and my female roommates were always hugging each other for no reason at all. It didn't really seem right to me to "fake it." Somehow I became the weird one about this. I thought there was something wrong with me, but once I met my husband, I found I wasn't at all uncomfortable being "in touch." I remain uncomfortable with anyone touching me except a few close people I've allowed into the circle...seems like that's my choice, not a personal flaw.
posted by Tandem Affinity at 4:13 AM on August 10

There's a lot of new science that indicates appropriate mother bonding--has a lot to do with how people physically react to others. Being held, stroked and snuggled by your Mom creates connections in the brain which releases chemicals that produce pleasant feelings.

If this didn't happen perhaps you should just teach yourself incrementally and build those synapses on your own. How about taking classes in massage? You have to massage someone and someone will massage you.

When you meet the right one--massage is an excellent non-threatening way to develop physical intimacy with someone else.
posted by AuntieRuth at 5:17 AM on August 10 [1 favorite]

Another non-toucher here. My mother is one of those people who is always trying to hug me and it just feels like smothering. (In 24 goddamn years, she hasn't figured out that not returning the hug and trying to pull away doesn't mean 'plz squeeze harder'.) My father and brother haven't had any physical contact with me since I was a wee baby.

As you can see, you're totes not alone in being a non-touchy person.

In regards of what to do, I can't really help there. Sometimes I feel the need to have contact with other people (which is strange when it runs through my brain), I just cuddle up in some warm blankets. (I'll pop them in the dryer for 5 minutes or so.)
posted by sperose at 6:16 AM on August 10

I know you say you don't like dance, but you might try beginner lessons for a partner dance like swing. The touching is very structured --- appropriate and expected contact are well-defined, so there is no guesswork on your part. Dance certainly made me more comfortable with physical contact.

And the fact that it's a beginner lesson means that everybody looks stupid, and even leads to a certain esprit de corps. You don't need to bring a partner, as the group will usually stand in a circle and rotate partners every few minutes.

Regarding dating: You can progress without letting your hand seductively fall to rest on her kneecap (or whatever). But you need to say something that tells her you're interested, for example, "I really like you. I want to kiss you". But say it playfully, not like you're at gunpoint.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 7:45 AM on August 10

I've suffered from this, and still do in some ways. The worse issue becomes not so much that you don't touch people yourself, but you end up radiating a "don't touch me" aura that keeps other people from touching you, making it all worse.

I would suggest contra-dance, or SCA dance, something like that. I was scared of dancing too, but step-dances aren't the "real" dancing we tend to think of... inside of a year of weekly dancing practices I found myself not only comfortable enough touching people out there as to seem literally a different person, but teaching others in my/your position as well. It's not a cure-all, but it often worked wonders: simple steps and handholds make dances even the most timid can learn well enough to gain confidence, and comfort with touching a partner grows from that. We teachers joked often that our real job was helping to socialize the otherwise unsociable, and you know... it worked more often than not.

To be fair, this does not completely translate to everyday life -- I'm still more timid about touching than I'd prefer when off the dance floor. But I'm far better than I ever was before that, and I've seen it help many others.
posted by Pufferish at 8:39 AM on August 10

I'm not a toucher, not a hugger and I don't make any bones about it. You'll find that an eventual significant other will be welcome in close and personal territory, but otherwise -- I wouldn't worry.
posted by cior at 10:53 AM on August 10

Nothing is wrong with you; you just feel a little awkward in your own skin, I suspect, because you don't have a family history of hugging or touching. I also came from a non-touchy-feely family -- we never hugged and kissed when I was little, and certainly not now. I got all my hugs and kisses from my lovely grandma, but still felt uncomfortable about casually touching and/or hugging people well into my twenties.

Don't worry about not wanting to dance -- plenty of people are happy to be wallflowers. You say you like to get smashed occasionally -- does that make you feel more relaxed? Could you just sway a little on the sidelines, in the dark, at a live show? I assure you that nobody would be watching you then -- the focus is on what's happening on the stage.

How about shaking hands when you meet your friends and/or new people? There's a bit more formality there, although it's also a neutral way to greet or thank someone. Also, you get to keep the other person at arm's length, which may feel safer. That always worked for me when I was painfully shy.

You will feel more comfortable, I promise. It really does just take time.
posted by vickyverky at 11:02 AM on August 10

i was like this for a loooooong time. i would be okay with the guy i was in a relationship with, but my family, friends, and god forbid, strangers -- i couldn't touch and didn't want touching me. i'm still pretty hung up on personal space and hate it when people i haven't invited in touch me (whether they are strangers or people i know).

i agree with the "fake it til you make it" approach. i just started making myself hug my mom, or accept touches on the arm from friends and coworkers. and... eventually it worked, though at first every time it happened i was totally weirded out and consumed by it.

just start slow, and work up to it. you'll get there.
posted by unlucky.lisp at 11:03 AM on August 10

You're a lot less abnormal than that woman who insisted on "proper" hugging. I'm not a naturally huggy person myself, partially because (purely self-diagnosed here) I'm slightly neuro-atypical and partly because of a childhood that was light on the physical affection and (in parts) heavy on the physical discipline. Without going into my own "touching history" in huge detail, some of it is about just getting used to touching and being touched, and some of it is defining what you feel comfortable with and feeling free to enforce those boundaries.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:38 AM on August 10

This strikes me as a textbook case of an issue that can be solved through talk therapy with a good therapist. Consider it. You won't need to take any "happy pills", you just need to work through the personal issues.

At the end of treatment, you'll either:
a) be much more OK with touching people, or
b) be much more OK with the fact that you don't like to touch people.

Good luck!
posted by Citrus at 12:06 PM on August 10

I also grew up in a family that didn't really touch -- stiff hugs for close relatives at the beginning and end of annual visits was pretty much the extent of "affectionate" touch -- and no one I knew growing up seemed to be into hugging or casual touching. Touch pretty much was disciplinary or sexual. It's hard to figure out where to put holding hands, throwing an arm around a friend's waist/shoulder, cuddling, hugging, and other affectionate touches when they don't fit the two categories you know. I had to group them with sexual, because they sure didn't seem punitive, and that made me more uncomfortable with touching anyone I didn't want to have sex with.

When I was in my early 20s, I got into a relationship with someone who hugged! her parents! and family! and friends! for no particular reason! It was like a revelation to me, that people could do this when no one was traveling anywhere in particular, no one was dying or recently bereaved, and no one was trying to initiate a sexual encounter. It was just touch, friendly warm touch.

I started piggybacking on her hugs. If she hugged her mom, I opened my arms to get the next hug. Same with friends. It quickly became habit for everyone she usually hugged to just hug me too, every time we saw them. Then hugging opened the door to other types of touch, like sitting very closely to look through a photo album, or casually intermingling legs and feet while relaxing watching a movie together. It took me a while to get comfortable with it, but I did, at my own pace, and you can too f that's what you want to do.

I think the suggestion of asking a compassionate touchy-feely friend to help you out is an excellent one. I have a young (mid-20s) friend who grew up much as I did and was prickly about unfamiliar casual touch (touch being again either discipline or sexual), compounded by his being transsexed and uncomfortable with his body in that regard, who is working on similar issues using me and a couple of other happy huggers as his training ground. Now he'll ask for a hug if I don't hug right away when we greet, which I think is great.
posted by notashroom at 1:32 PM on August 10 [1 favorite]

Lots of touch-averse people have already spoken, but I'll chime in too: I was you (except, you know, female) until less than a year ago. When I was younger I thought hugging was so invasive that I'd literally freak out and run away if someone tried. Later on I forced myself through them as to not insult the other person and was consequently incredibly stiff and awkward; my roommate laughed at me for being so much like a stack of bricks.

What helped? Just lots and lots of exposure. I had a friend who would chase me down and forcibly hug, which was traumatizing at the time but helped later on (shock therapy!). Falling in love helped even more, although it took an absurd amount of time to accept that I actually wanted to touch someone else. Right now I'm still pretty uncomfortable with touch from anyone who's not already a close friend, but I'm much more relaxed than I used to be.

So just give it time and some effort and you'll be fine. I've found that touch-happy people are usually quite understanding of those touch-averse, asking if it's okay to hug and whatnot, so if you mention that you're not very huggy they'll respect that and won't mind if your hugs are bad (the woman you mention sounds creepy and atypical).

As for dancing: I'm an awful dancer, but I like it precisely because it's terrifying but so liberating to get over the fear of looking stupid. You seem quite self-conscious about acting dumb or creepy, which I can sympathize with; just try to remember that you really aren't acting dumb or creepy and that others don't pay nearly as much attention to yourself as you do.
posted by flawsekno at 2:08 PM on August 10

I think ecstasy could help you get over many of these things in a very short period of time. In case you missed it, here is some very good info (on MetaFilter) about the effects and side-effects of ecstasy.
posted by Fat Charlie the Archangel at 6:19 AM on August 11

As to "what the fuck is wrong with me?" I suggest you start looking at aspberger syndrome or autism.

My wife seems quite sure that I've got aspbergers and it seems reasonable to me, but I don't have a diagnosis. Beyond my wife, I feel *extremely* awkward touching or being touched by people, and I'm much better about it than I used to be.

As to what to do, ultimately that depends upon how much you want your touch issues to change. Beyond the fact that any touch with my kids weirds me out I'm fine pulling away if co-workers or friends try to touch me. I'm accepting that I'll flinch at contact, so I'm doing nothing.

With my kids, if they lean against me, or hug me, etc I relax and go with it, and seem to rarely flinch. I also try to affectionately touch them as it seems appropriate, even if it's an intellectual issue that I intentionally do, rather than an emotional exercise which just occurs. They seem to respond well-enough to it. It still feels weird to me, but for their benefit I do it.

For co-workers and others, I don't seem them benefiting as much from my touch so I don't go the extra mile for them. While studying up on when it's intellectually appropriate to touch people might make it easier to do more commonly, you might never emotionally be a touchy person.

re: my wife, we had an emotional connection before a physical in vast-part because of my touch issues. By the time that we were touching it felt emotionally good. So maybe with girls, be upfront that you may need more of an emotional connection before any physical issues.
posted by nobeagle at 7:09 AM on August 11