Am I overreacting to this creepy guy who keeps trying to meet my wife and her friends?

July 17, 2009 12:48 PM

Am I overreacting to this creepy guy who keeps trying to meet my wife and her friends?

I apologize for this being a bit long and probably confusing.

My wife has a core group of five friends that she's known since high school. Three of the five girls are married and a fourth is in a long-term relationship. We're all close. About 3 or 4 months, the fifth girl started having sex with a married guy from her church. She been good friends with this guy's wife and daughter for a while too, which makes it all the more despicable. He's also told her that it's not the first time he's cheated on his wife.

Initially, all of this girl's friends, including my wife, were pretty disappointed in her. The collective disappointment turned to anger when this guy invited all of her girl friends out to dinner to get to know them. Just the girls. Well, they basically all told the friend that they think he's a creep and nobody wanted to meet him. We thought that was that.

Whenever we're with this friend, she's CONSTANTLY texting with this guy. And he's always asking her possessive questions like "Who's there?" and "How much have you been drinking?"

Weeks later, she roped one of the girlfriends and her boyfriend into meeting this guy. They confirmed their initial suspicions that he was creepy. Especially when they started inappropriately making out in front of everyone. He even started texting THIS girl after the meeting and trying to talk to her on the phone.

So last week, the friend moved into a new apartment in this guy's town (which we later found out was directly in between his work and home). In celebration of the new place, they all had a "girl's night" at the movies. After the movie, they went to see the new apartment. As they're walking around, who shows up... this frickin guy. With a case of beer nonetheless as a "peace offering" for the girls. Fortunately, my wife had come home directly from the movie and missed meeting him. But the other girls awkwardly left and were pretty livid about the whole thing, basically feeling like they were tricked into meeting him. I was beyond pissed about the whole thing, as was my best friend (who's married to one of the girls who was there). I later found out for sure that it was this guy's idea to stop by and say 'hi' to them and the girl told him it would be ok. It was most definitely not ok.

So I found out what I could about this guy afterwards and wrote him an email... to his work address, to make the point loud and clear:

I don't care what you do with [REDACTED]... but my wife and the rest of my friend's wives do not want to know you. You and [REDACTED] both know that. Do not put yourself into a situation to meet my wife or any of my friend's wives again.

Stay the fuck away.

I guess he got the message last night while he was with her and got so scared that he left and went home to his wife. The girl immediately called her friends to apologize for putting them in the awkward situation and took responsibility for it. She chatted with me this morning and tried to explain, but I basically told her that I think this guy is a piece of shit and nobody wants him around them. I've accepted her apology, basically because I think her being that dumb doesn't mean there needs to be bad blood between us. But I absolutely don't forgive this guy for weaseling his way into everyone's lives.

So again, the question is: am I overreacting to this guy? It seems to me like he has some delusional fantasy about cheating on his wife with not only this girl, but her friends as well. It was enough to feel like she's making us guilty simply by knowing about what her and this guy are doing. But him figuring out how to get his way regardless of the wishes of my wife and her friends is putting me (and the other husbands) over the top.

posted by anonymous to human relations (75 comments total)

Certainly sounds like a creepy swinger. I don't see how you did anything wrong.
posted by electroboy at 12:57 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]

You are not overreacting. I'd probably take it a step further and get some evidence on the guy and give it to his wife.
posted by torquemaniac at 12:58 PM on July 17

You're fine. The guy's a piece of dog shit. He wants to be 20 and do the college singles scene again, and you and your best friend and your wife and her friends (a pretty good size group for consensus) all pick up on that and think he's a sleaze. I think your wife needs to consider whether she wants to remain friends with the type of woman that knowingly cheats with a married man and then makes it an ostentatious focal point of her relationships with others.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:00 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]

Well played. I would have done it just about the same. Even if it may have been a bit over the top, with a creep like that, you can't be too sure.
posted by stratastar at 1:02 PM on July 17

You're not overreacting at all and I think you did the right thing.

It might be a stretch but the guy needs to learn boundaries and probably someone is eventually going to have to punch him in the face to reinforce the point.
posted by iamabot at 1:02 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]

Not at all. You did the right thing, and hopefully your wife's friend has learned her lesson...
posted by Hanuman1960 at 1:02 PM on July 17

I don't know who you are, anonymous, but I like the cut of your gib.

You didn't overreact. Dude's a creep.
posted by Loto at 1:03 PM on July 17 [17 favorites]

Your wife's friend probably knows how shady this guy is on some level, which is why she keeps trying to introduce him to your group of friends. She's looking for validation that this guy's not a total creep. Unfortunately for her, he sounds like a grade-A slimeball. You're not overreacting.

Have any of her female friends told her that they're uncomfortable with this guy directly and in no uncertain terms? It sounds to me like those of you who are unequivocally squicked out need to explain that you don't like him, that you're worried about her, and that you can't spend time with him, ever. Hopefully she'll realize that her friends are more important and snap out of it. If she doesn't, you might want to think about cutting her off for a while (assuming this guy isn't so much of a creeper that he'll pursue the other women in your group regardless).
posted by oinopaponton at 1:03 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

I don't quite understand how people willingly stay on friendly terms with someone they know is a party to cheating, especially when marriage and a child is involved. It boggles my mind. Whether you like it or not, you are sanctifying her actions. But whatever, not the question. (Raaugh...)

Make sure the girl stops giving out her friends' phone numbers, addresses, emails, etc. Have your wife give her a bap on the head if she does it again. There's no reason for this guy to be able to get in contact with the rest of your group.

You're not overreacting, but if you think the man is despicable, take it a step further. Refuse to go out if there is a chance of him showing up. If he ends up showing anyway, leave. If your friend smiles and nods at your request then invites him anyway, cut her off. Such actions on her part are not only dumb, but disrespectful.

If things escalate to stalking/harassment with your wife or any of her friends, make sure they keep evidence and perhaps aim for a restraining order. That'll be a nice surprise to his family. There's not much more you can do right now, just hope he listens and stays away.
posted by Bakuun at 1:05 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

I've accepted her apology, basically because I think her being that dumb doesn't mean there needs to be bad blood between us. But I absolutely don't forgive this guy for weaseling his way into everyone's lives.

I don't think you're overreacting to the guy, but I do think you're under-reacting to the friend. Clearly you and your wife (and the other women) can't actively be friends with this woman while simultaneously avoiding her boyfriend. She's prioritizing the boyfriend's feelings and preferences over her friends' feelings and preferences (and perhaps rightly so--it's reasonable for a boyfriend to meet his girlfriend's friends). If you don't want the boyfriend to be part of your life, you may need to cut this woman out of it as well.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:06 PM on July 17 [6 favorites]

I think you overstepped the bounds of social relationships by emailing him at work. Emails don't necessarily go away at work addresses, and this sort of thing could potentially do him a lot of harm at work, a place that has nothing to do with his extramarital affiar. Ask yourself: would you want this creep emailing you at your work address? No. So, if I were you I wouldn't do it to him again, or call him at work either.

Otherwise your reactions sound relatively reasonable.

I'd avoid getting "evidence" on him as suggested up-thread b/c it might escalate the involvement of each other in your lives. Just think about how involved you want this guy in your life. Not at all. Your actions should be in tune with that. Get him out of your and your wife's life, but don't impose on his life. If he wants to cheat, that is his business. If he wants to creepily say "hi" to your wife all the time, well that's now become her business, and by extension yours. Do only what it takes to get him gone, and not more (more including collecting evidence or contacting him at work)
posted by lorrer at 1:06 PM on July 17 [6 favorites]

I don't think you're overreacting to the guy, but I do think you're under-reacting to the friend.... She's prioritizing the boyfriend's feelings and preferences over her friends' feelings and preferences

This is my gut reaction too. I know this is just new relationship energy with them, but she's not really acting great in this situation either. It's a little easier to call the new person to your group the one who is being totally out of line, but I think you may be pushing a little too much of this bad situation on him and maybe not enough on her. Not saying you can't forgive her or whatever, to be able to still continue to have her in your circle but I think if she's starting a real thing with this guy, you may have to make a choice about how much interaction with her is okay at the same time. Takes two to tango and all that.
posted by jessamyn at 1:09 PM on July 17

I've actually never heard of a person that would revel in the fact that he's committing infidelity by hanging out with all of her friends.

But I'm guessing he's not very discreet.

People who aren't discreet have an easier time having their extra-marital affairs revealed to their spouse.

So it wouldn't be you tattling...it would be the natural course of events.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 1:13 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

Dude sounds like a serious letch and weasel, but I think the email went too far. Your wife should've addressed it with the girlfriend.
posted by heather-b at 1:15 PM on July 17 [5 favorites]

I'd probably take it a step further and get some evidence on the guy and give it to his wife.

Terrible advice - you don't know what this guy's agenda is, or what he might be capable of. Don't make yourself a target for someone who could potentially turn on you, your wife, or her friends.

This is only marginally your business, and you should keep it that way. Draw a firm line w/your wife's friend and keep your distance.
posted by ryanshepard at 1:16 PM on July 17

I'm a bit unclear as to why you had to be the one to tell the guy to stay away. If he is really a creep and has ulterior motives with these women, the tell-off should come from them, not you.

It's easy for him to see it as you "protecting your property" by telling him to leave the girls alone. He can easily convince himself that they'd be okay with him if you weren't around. If the women tell him (in front of his mistress) that they are not cool with him and don't want to be around him, he can't delude himself as easily.
posted by soelo at 1:16 PM on July 17 [13 favorites]

You aren't overracting. I think that it helped for you to write him directly. He's someone that obviously doesn't have respect for women, so hearing it from you rporbably made more of an impact.
posted by Ostara at 1:29 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]

I think you are overreacting. These women (not "girls") aren't your harem. If they don't want him around, they need to say so, not let you do it.
posted by Carol Anne at 1:33 PM on July 17 [30 favorites]

Yeah, I'm really unclear why it was *your* job to step in and say anything about this? It's between your wife and her friends. If any/all of them don't want to hang out with this guy, they're well within their rights to say so, but it's not your job to act as the policeman here. If I were your wife I'd be a little weirded out and insulted.
posted by MsMolly at 1:36 PM on July 17 [10 favorites]

Yeah you're over-reacting. The facts you've stated are:

Married guy is dating one of your wife's friends. They don't know him, but hate that he's a cheater.

He wants to hang out with his girlfriends friends.

She invites him around all the time.

Everyone else hates that, because he is cheating on his wife.

Nobody comes out and says anything.

You send him an angry email.

Did I miss anything?

I'm not sure what TERRIBLE OUTCOME you expect to happen if he meets your wife...it's not like she can catch infidelity. It is possible to exist socially in the same space with someone politely without approving of their actions--some of my best friends voted for Bush. Of course you don't have to be around him and neither do they, but i dont find anything creepy about the adulterers attempting to live amongst other human beings. If you want to avoid them, go for it, but dial down the disgust Mr. Judgeypants...lest someday the Pants of Judgment be on the other...um...butt.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:42 PM on July 17 [5 favorites]

I think that your wife and her friends aren't overreacting at all.

However, I think that they should have addressed it with the friend who wants them to meet sleazy cheater-guy. You emailing cheater-guy at work seems like a bizarre non-sequitur to me.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:43 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

I don't think you're over-reacting in terms of being upset. But I also think that your wife and her friends should have handled it by dealing with their friend directly, and you should have only gotten involved if they asked you to. Actually, it sounds like they were handling it fine on their own -- by leaving when he showed up, and making it pretty clear that they didn't like the guy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:57 PM on July 17

I want to counter all the folks who are saying things like, "How is this YOUR job to tell this creep off...?"

Your wife and her friends made it clear, nicely, that they weren't interested in meeting this dude. He forced the issue. You stood up for your wife (and your friends wife) and added your weight to the mix, saying "back off." In essence, you took on the bad guy role, and showed your wife and her friends that you are willing and able to protect them. I bet you twenty bucks that they really appreciate it.

Screw the naysayers. I say well done, sir.


Also, I think it was a GOOD idea for you to email him at work. It adds an extra layer of "I'm serious," to the email. I think chances are slim that it will get him into work trouble. At worst, he'll probably get hassled like, "Hey, are you still harassing that guys wife?" and that'll be the end of it. Get him in trouble?! Please. At worst, it'll give them a clue about what a creep this guy is. To get him in trouble, they'll have to get some evidence for themselves, not an email written by a third party.
posted by Spyder's Game at 2:11 PM on July 17 [5 favorites]

Since when did it become a BAD thing for a man to stand up for his wife?! Sheesh, people.
posted by Spyder's Game at 2:22 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]

Since when did it become a BAD thing for a man to stand up for his wife?! Sheesh, people.

The wife is presumably an adult who can tell either her friend or her friend's cheating boyfriend to back off.

Also, emailing people at their workplace about social conflicts that you're not even involved in personally seems a little off to me.

If the wife doesn't feel like the email was out of place or out of line, and she appreciates it, then good for her and for him, and everyone's happy.

But since the poster asked for our opinions about whether it was appropriate or not, and we're giving them.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:29 PM on July 17 [6 favorites]

Since when did it become a BAD thing for a man to stand up for his wife?!

Nothing is happening to his wife here that merits either of them getting further enmeshed in this mess.

In any case, you know that saw about discretion and valor? It's doubly true when dealing with unknown quantities acting recklessly.
posted by ryanshepard at 2:34 PM on July 17

You're not over-reacting. For some folks, especially the sort this creepy dude sounds like, don't take a polite no or normal social signals for 'i don't want to know you.'

as for emailing him at work? who the fuck cares that you emailed him at work. he might lose his job? he should of thought about that before he became a lying creepy asshole.

if he keeps it up, tell his wife and let her deal with it.

My favorite line from you post is this: the fifth girl started having sex with a married guy from her church. From her Church! So very typical.
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:37 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]

I'm interested in how this thread has unfolded.

Whenever we're with this friend, she's CONSTANTLY texting with this guy.

I took this to mean that the OP, his wife, and her girlfriends are all friends with the woman in question. The OP's role in this group of friends (as a male friend who is thus excluded from "girls' night out")--to my mind--gives him a legitimate reason to confront the boyfriend. I do think the question is worded curiously, so maybe I've misunderstood. I also still think that the issue is really the woman with the new boyfriend.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:38 PM on July 17

Man, you could have narc'd on this dude and I don't think anyone would say you were overreacting.
posted by chunking express at 2:58 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

Agree with soelo, Carol Anne, EmpressCallipygos. Unless your wife and the other women involved requested your help, your actions smack of a parent protecting a helpless child from an overbearing bully -- there's nothing wrong with your actions specifically, except they are somewhat weird, considering your wife is an adult is presumably capable of making her own decisions, and they speaks volumes about your perception of your wife.
posted by moiraine at 3:01 PM on July 17

Well, actually, not only didn't you over-react, but the people involved all seemed to respond in the best possible way (he ran back to his wife, at least for now, and she apologized to everyone including you.) So you actually did 100% the right thing, and so now I'm flagging this as "patting-yourself-on-the-back-instead-of-having-a-valid-question."

kidding about the flagging
posted by davejay at 3:03 PM on July 17

Agree with soelo, Carol Anne, EmpressCallipygos. Unless your wife and the other women involved requested your help, your actions smack of a parent protecting a helpless child from an overbearing bully -- there's nothing wrong with your actions specifically, except they are somewhat weird, considering your wife is an adult is presumably capable of making her own decisions, and they speaks volumes about your perception of your wife.

I think the reason I disagree with this opinion -- which obviously doesn't make it invalid -- is that if the situation were with me and reversed and my wife did what you'd done, I would have been proud of her for standing up for what she believed in, even if I should have done it myself.

However, I will acknowledge that you probably should have told your wife you were going to do it, if you didn't. That doesn't change my opinion that your instincts and actions were the correct ones; it just means out of respect you should have had the confidence to tell her first and trust that she'd give you the green or red light (because her feelings matter, too.)
posted by davejay at 3:06 PM on July 17

I'd tell the wife. I'm serious. I would.
posted by Crotalus at 3:07 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

Especially when they started inappropriately making out in front of everyone. He even started texting THIS girl after the meeting and trying to talk to her on the phone.

Yeah, cheatergirl is fucked up. It's pretty obvious that there is some hope for a threesome going on with Mr. Cheater (a 12 pack as a "peace offering" to women?). I'd ditch cheatergirl - she's the one with real problems if she's either (a) stupid enough or (b) willing to pimp out her friends to this bozo.

High five on the email. I'd advise keeping copies of all texts and emails involving this wacko in case something bad goes down. The guy obviously has some screws loose behaving this openly unless his wife knows about the cheating.
posted by benzenedream at 3:09 PM on July 17

1. You are awesome. My hat is off to you, sir.

2. You are underreacting.

3. This creep's MO is to act dispicably and to do so in a way that casts all of the blame on the women he's cheating with. He counts on them being the ones who take the beating from their friends and acquaintences for sleeping with a married guy, and that is exactly how he keeps doing this. He never personally gets called out, because his girlfriends' friends don't want to call out anyone except their own friend. When you sent the email, it apparently showed him that there was a) someone who was willing to call him out, and not just get after his accomplice, and b) a husband who knows about his crap and who is this close to cold busting him, destroying his marriage, and doing who-knows-what-else to him because of the disrespect that he is showing to his marriage. He has also been flirting with and making a play at your wife (you don't say it, but you know it's true - he's trying to play all of them), and he thinks he got caught by all of the husbands. Keep an eye out for this guy and don't do anything illegal or tortious, but don't let concerns about decorum keep you from telling him what's what and keeping him out of your business.
posted by The World Famous at 3:12 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]

Why is your wife hanging out with a woman who is having an affair with a creepy married man? Ick.
posted by LarryC at 3:25 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

I don't think you overreacted, but...

I would worry that by you getting in touch with him, when none of the girls has told him to go away directly, makes it look like you think he is a threat to your relationship with your wife. Which will validate his creepy behaviour even more, he might think he is really getting somewhere with these ladies since none of the women have told him to leave them alone but one of their husbands has.
posted by Admira at 3:26 PM on July 17

Yeah, you overreacted - especially if the e-mail was worded exactly as you wrote. You have a right to be angry, but sending a hostile e-mail like that to someone's work account (whom you've never met, to boot!) is very rarely called for and reeks of "overprotective boyfriend".

It's your wife's place to tell this guy that she's not comfortable with the situation/with him and refuse to see him further - in person, with her friends there to back her up. If the girlfriend approves another "surprise meeting", then your wife should take this up with her.

Finally - and this just may be the part of me that likes to see the best in people - have you consider that maybe the guy is getting a different story from the girlfriend? It sounds like she's really into him, and possibly could be twisting your wife's "no, I don't want to meet him" into "yeah, my friends will LOVE you!". Just a thought.

Oh, and cheating on his wife doesn't automatically mean that he wants to have sex with every girl he meets, as some people seem to be implying.
posted by wsp at 3:27 PM on July 17

Oh, and cheating on his wife doesn't automatically mean that he wants to have sex with every girl he meets, as some people seem to be implying.

This is true. But he does.
posted by The World Famous at 3:29 PM on July 17 [4 favorites]

"She been good friends with this guy's wife and daughter for a while too, which makes it all the more despicable."

Yeah, this girl does not understand the meaning of the word "friend" and honestly, I wouldn't go out of my way to continue to include her in my social circle. She's already gone against her so-called friends' wishes at least once, and is betraying another so-called friend.
posted by iconomy at 3:31 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]

If I were in your wife's place, my husband would have done the exact same thing you did—if I had asked him to.

Your reaction is understandable, but you overstepped your bounds by sending that email.
posted by anderjen at 3:52 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

Yea, your wife and her friends were put into an awkward and uncomfortable situation with a guy who sounds like a real creep, but I don't really understand what merits such an angry e-mail. He's a grade A slime ball for sure, but he didn't really do anything threatening. Unless you count showing up at his girlfriend's place and making everyone feel kind of awkward as a true threat.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 3:59 PM on July 17

I think you definitely overreacted. 90% of what you write in your question has nothing to do with you and reeks of chatty gossip. Yes people people have affairs and do all kinds of questionably immoral things..your wife and her friends are big girls, they can take care of themselves.

So lets say you don't like your wife's friend next boyfriend, are you going to stick your chest out and scare him off as well? or does infidelity allow you to ride your high horse?
posted by mattsweaters at 4:29 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]

Just to back up The World Famous here, the dude's MO is straight high school-level "bring booze and play grab-ass and hope the girls go for it". The beer wasn't a "peace offering" by any stretch of the imagination. Spousal involvement is absolutely fine when the creepiness is distinctly and overtly sexual and the guy seems to be a professional lecher.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:59 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

Fake edit: Note also the sleazy guy's jealous behavior noted in the OP. This is not a guy that either men or women should relax around, IMO.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:00 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

I don't care what you do with [REDACTED]... but my wife and the rest of my friend's wives do not want to know you. You and [REDACTED] both know that. Do not put yourself into a situation to meet my wife or any of my friend's wives again.

Stay the fuck away.

Wow, if more people could be this straightforward, AskMeFi would probably cease to exist.

Answer to question: No, you did not overreact. Creep averted. Well done.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:13 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]

another vote for: you are not the morailty police.

It was I who favorited mattsweaters comment. What he siad.
posted by Zambrano at 5:15 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

another vote for: you are not the morailty police.

You are, however, the "stay away from my wife you creep" police.
posted by The World Famous at 5:19 PM on July 17 [6 favorites]

Since you say this guy actually goes to CHURCH, my suggestion is you tell the pastor. At the very least this guy bears watching. (This is what we would call a wolf among the sheep. Not uncommon unfortunately.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:21 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]

Seconding everyone who says that you are overreacting, and that at the very least your wife needs to know about this. She could have just handled it herself and cut off contact with the offending friend and the creep.
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:29 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

Who are you defending yourself from here? Did your wife get upset about the email or did the cheatergirl? I don't know why you care if cheatergirl thinks you overreacted. If your wife does then here's some reasons why. As others have said, she can and should stand up for herself which it sounds like she was doing. The guy sounds like a d-bag but really hasn't done anything threatening other than be a clueless, ham-handed, cheater who doesn't seem to know when he is really not wanted (top characteristic of a creep). Lastly, you made your wife a target here. Now, instead of a general rejection from the group, he can focus specifically on your wife and her chest-beating husband. Women are pretty good at doing the time-worn dance of pushing creeps away without being so pushy as to hurt their little feelings and give rise to a more creepy and/or violent outburst. It sucks that women are put in this position still in this day and age but, honestly, it really sounded like they were handling it well.

But, having said that, you felt defensive of your wife and her friends and that's not a bad thing. It's frustrating to watch someone you care about deflect a creep in this way. But, what's done is done. You don't owe any kind of explanation to cheatergirl and it would be best if you all avoided her entirely. If she brings it up again say, "You know, I know that you're a sweet person but I'm not interested in being a party to infidelity. Get back to us when this relationship has run its course." Stay firm on that.
posted by amanda at 6:19 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]

there's nothing wrong with your actions specifically, except they are somewhat weird, considering your wife is an adult is presumably capable of making her own decisions, and they speaks volumes about your perception of your wife.

I don't know about that, moiraine -- it could have just been an impulsive "what? That ASSHOLE!" reaction. The OP doesn't give me that kind of patronizing read.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:42 PM on July 17

if you trust your wife, and your wife generally seems keen on staying clear of this guy, then I see no reason for you to be involved
posted by Salvatorparadise at 6:58 PM on July 17

Since you say this guy actually goes to CHURCH, my suggestion is you tell the pastor.

My suggestion is absolutely not to do this.

Seriously, I am a churchgoer and hate hypocrisy as much as the next person, but that would be incredibly inappropriate.

Also, my friends who are pastors get calls and mail like this all the time, and they always ignore them because they can't sort out the validity of the accusations. So it would be a waste of your time.

If you were a member of the same church, it might be appropriate to voice your concerns about how his behavior affected you to the pastor. But contacting a pastor and saying "A member of your flock is committing adultery!" would be bizarre and immature as well as ineffective.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:36 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

I just wanted to say that I think it was a good thing that you emailed the creep.

I wouldn't have advised it, and if my boyfriend/husband took it upon himself to do the same thing, I might be annoyed, but I would be pleased with the results.

I think there are times for "crazy" actions, actions that require a disregard for the moral thing to do.

Is the creep worried about doing the "right" thing? Is he worried about "overstepping his bounds"?

Is he going to disregard your email because your wife and her friends should be the ones telling him to get lost?

I don't think so.

Besides, if he doesn't the message, ALL of you can gang up on him, and feel righteous about it.
posted by Locochona at 7:56 PM on July 17

I found your actions honorable and moderated. It takes courage to do the right thing (even when it's not your business), and it is wisdom to moderate it to achieve the limited goal you seek. Your action has provided:
1. Justice to the clueless (or intentionally clueless) but guilty parties. I'm surprise of the peace-niks on this board who want to spare the feeling, or employment, or freedom of the cheaters. The cheaters chose their actions and hurt many innocent people in the process. Hence, they do not deserve peace, or approval, or freedom from consequences. Your action is a consequence of their wrongness; so you have nothing to fear in dealing justice as you see fit. It is admirable to be living to your standard of decency, and not tolerating, or bear false witness to the wrongs you can make right.
2. Peace to those you love. You care for your wife, friends, and in extension, your wife's friends. From what you described, they have been quite agitated and unhappy of the situation for a while now. Your action has benefited them.
3. Peace to the world. You had before yourself a number of alternatives to act and be just. You chose the least disruptive but effective action. You did not let the pursuit of justice get out of hand and bring more suffering to all concerns. That is commendable.

In short, good work, sir.

To those who said you usurp your wife's pejorative, I say husband and wife is a team. It matters not who score the goal as long as the team wins. Your wife tried, in her own way, but did not succeed. You did. Score one for your team. If you view your group as team (including the misguided friend), that team wins too. No need to worry about individual scores.

To those who are willing to live with and tolerate immorality, well, let them be. Don't let them change you. I certainly don't want to live in their world. Thanks for making the world a little better.
posted by curiousZ at 8:01 PM on July 17 [1 favorite]

You aren't underreacting. I wouldn't say you were underreacting even if you told his wife about what's going on. As was said early on, this guy is a super-creepy swinger.
posted by dunkadunc at 8:18 PM on July 17

*[wouldn't say you were overreacting]
posted by dunkadunc at 8:18 PM on July 17

Same e-mail, but to your wife's friend.
posted by apetpsychic at 9:15 PM on July 17

You are, however, the "stay away from my wife you creep" police.

I'd say that is his wife's job, unless she asked for his help.
posted by aclevername at 11:22 PM on July 17

I'm fascinated and sort of horrified by the range of opinions here.

The guy sounds maximally sleazy. I can see why you're agitated, and I can't imagine your wife wanting anything to do with him or with the friend who's fucking him. But what you did seems completely and unequivocally out of line.

I think that Sidhedevil's observation that "emailing people at their workplace about social conflicts that you're not even involved in personally seems a little off to me" is the understatement of the year. To me it sounds downright nutty.

I think amanda's question is crucial. Why are you asking us about this here? If it's because your wife thinks that what you did was inappropriate, then by definition she's right. This is not your business unless she asked you to make it so.
posted by tangerine at 12:01 AM on July 18 [3 favorites]

You are, however, the "stay away from my wife you creep" police.

WTF is the difference?
posted by Zambrano at 8:12 AM on July 18

You are, however, the "stay away from my wife you creep" police.

WTF is the difference?

Really? You don't see the difference between being self-righteous and telling creepy adulterous schmoozers to stop making a play on your wife?
posted by The World Famous at 9:59 AM on July 18 [1 favorite]

It's possible the workplace email may be the only one he had.
posted by electroboy at 10:00 AM on July 18 [1 favorite]

Wait, what? You emailed someone and told him off for trying to meet your wife? That's your wife's job. You sound like a possessive jerk to me. If my partner did this I'd be livid- I'm more than capable of defining and enforcing my own boundaries with other people and I don't like it when other people try to "save" or "protect" me. Your wife is presumably a grown woman and you should not be speaking on her behalf, especially in inflammatory emails sent to her friends' partners' work email addresses. The way I see it, you stepped out of line , disrespected your wife, and embarrassed yourself and her.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:37 AM on July 19 [3 favorites]

The best option would have been for one or more of the four friends to speak to the fifth friend. It's generally not a good idea to go on the attack on your spouse's behalf -- it would've been perfectly fine for you to contact the guy if your wife had asked you to, or said yes when you offered. If you get an urge to speak for your wife, just ask her if she'd like you to step in.

I can understand why you're so angry about the situation. But talking to the friend about the creepy boyfriend is your wife's role, unless she hands it over to you.
posted by wryly at 12:50 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

if my husband did this without my permission i would be livid. because i'd be a grown woman, not a damsel for him to go king kong over.
posted by anthropomorphic at 3:21 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

Since you say this guy actually goes to CHURCH, my suggestion is you tell the pastor. At the very least this guy bears watching. (This is what we would call a wolf among the sheep. Not uncommon unfortunately.)


I agree with Sidhedevil: This would not be an appropriate response. If the philanderer or his wife wish to seek counsel from the pastor, that is their prerogative. But the pastor is not a teacher patrolling a schoolyard, and shouldn't be treated as such. Even if the pastor were to intervene, foisting help upon those who haven't requested it rarely yields positive results. Or is the purpose merely to shame the philanderer? (Which seems like an abuse of the church, and a waste of the pastor's time.)
posted by mellifluous at 7:11 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

You overreacted. In fact, after reading your question three times, your actions are still largely incomprehensible to me. What, exactly, are you protecting your wife and her friends from? An adulterer? A lecher? A boor? A dude who drinks beer from cans? These ladies know such people exist in the world, right? They need you to protect them from such abominations?

Do not put yourself into a situation to meet my wife or any of my friend's wives again. Interesting directive. Were you ordering a man to stop having an affair, ordering a woman to stop inviting her boyfriend to her apartment, or dictating who your wife and her other friends can be in the same room with? How many lives, exactly, do you think you have authority over?
posted by hhc5 at 9:00 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

He's not protecting anyone from anything. He's telling someone something that needs to be said and that, apparently, other people have felt too awkward to say. This is not protection of damsels in distress. It is reinforcement of social mores.
posted by The World Famous at 10:40 AM on July 20 [2 favorites]

This is not protection of damsels in distress. It is reinforcement of social mores.

This is also making the assumption that the damsel wasn't capable of doing this herself. I don't think anyone is reacting to the email as such, only to the fact that he seems to have just spontaneously sent it, without being asked to by his wife.

Personally, if my husband did something like this without my asking him to back me up like that -- yes, I'd be understanding why he did, but I'd also make a little eyebrow-raising comment like, "you DO know that I was handling this myself like a big girl, right?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:53 AM on July 20

This is also making the assumption that the damsel wasn't capable of doing this herself.

I think it's making the assumption that the creep in question would be more responsive to the message if it came from a husband than if it came from one of the women he's schmoozing. And that assumption appears to have been correct. It's not about the capability of the wives to tell the creep to get lost. It's about the receptiveness of the creep to the messenger.

Personally, if my husband did something like this without my asking him to back me up like that -- yes, I'd be understanding why he did, but I'd also make a little eyebrow-raising comment like, "you DO know that I was handling this myself like a big girl, right?"

I fully understand this. I also have a problem with the idea that a man should not be permitted to communicate with someone who is bothering him without first getting clearance from his wife. I guess it's a question of the tone of the whole thing. I didn't read it as being a "protect the helpless wife" situation. If I did get that vibe from it, my feelings on the issue would be very simiar to yours, I think.
posted by The World Famous at 11:03 AM on July 20

I fully understand this. I also have a problem with the idea that a man should not be permitted to communicate with someone who is bothering him without first getting clearance from his wife.

I agree with you to a point, save for the fact that -- as i understand it -- the guy wasn't bothering the OP directly. The guy was only bothering the OP's wife and her friends, and it sounded like they had already just themselves presented a unified "knock it off, already" to their friend (the one with the creepy boyfriend).

for the record, I didn't get a "protect the helpless wife" vibe either, my sense was more of an "omigod THAT GUY'S AN ASSHOLE let me get my hands on him" impulsive kind of thing, the kind of thing that you do when you act before you think. Which we all do time to time, so none of this is aggregiously bad, by any means.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:18 AM on July 20

I totally disagree with the OPs action, I think the guy is a dirtbag and a sleeze but it is none of his business who he is cheating or who he is doing whatever with.....so yes it is pretty dubious for him to want together with the wife and friends...you know what the wife should have done....She could have not shown up or told such friend that she wont be around when her bf is around, is it that difficult to do that?


Secondly, the OP could have told the friend in question that he is not comfortable with her boyfriend's actions (nor hers for that matter) and from that point on he doesnt have to involved with neither of them....

sending an angry email that not only refers to his wife but her friends (because of course the OP is such a shining knight that he also stands up for them) was absolutely necessary...if anything he could have send an email, telling the guy to stay away from HIS wife (because phase it that is probably the issue here)......or are YOU afraid that somebody else is encroaching on your own imaginary harem?
posted by The1andonly at 1:02 PM on July 21

My gut reaction is that, no, you're not overreacting.


If I were in your wife's situation I wouldn't feel it was inappropriate for my husband to do what you did; however, I wouldn't necessarily expect it of him and would not be disappointed if he didn't send such an e-mail. But I think you were pretty reasonable. Not because you need to "protect" your wife or her friends but because you and your wife are a team and sometimes you have to join forces to get a point like this across to the congenitally clueless.

oinopaponton said: "Your wife's friend probably knows how shady this guy is on some level, which is why she keeps trying to introduce him to your group of friends. She's looking for validation that this guy's not a total creep. Unfortunately for her, he sounds like a grade-A slimeball. You're not overreacting." <>


Anyway, I think you're fine.
posted by Neofelis at 11:12 AM on July 26