Do I give the wife an old GF's jewelry?

May 26, 2006 11:29 AM

About 15 years ago, I gave the GF a pair of diamond earrings. Nothing grand – we were both young and poor – about 5/8 carat. When I found out she was cheating, I demanded them back (among other things). Flash forward 15 years – I am now married (to someone else obviously), and just came across the long forgotten earrings in an old box.

Do I give them to the wife - with or without their history? Do I tell her the story and let her make up her mind? I have thought about using the stones and have different jewelry made for her, but have heard that can be several times the cost of the original jewelry.

Really no insecurities about the old GF by either of us. They are just a pair of earrings to me, but don't know if its tacky to give them to the wife. Any thoughts?

posted by JimBobNoPants to Human Relations (61 answers total)

I don't see any harm in offering them to her. If your wife finds the idea of keeping them distasteful you could give them to charity.
posted by Soliloquy at 11:34 AM on May 26, 2006

In my opinion, it would be tacky to give them to her. Personally, I'd pawn them and take her out to dinner with the proceeds.
posted by Doofus Magoo at 11:35 AM on May 26, 2006

Yes, it's tacky. Some women might not mind, but many would. No, the stones probably aren't worth anything. If I were in your shoes, I'd toss them into the trash and never mention them again.
posted by cribcage at 11:35 AM on May 26, 2006

Forget about it....
Eventhough the earrings has not sentimental value nor insecurities by anyone...

Turn them over to ebay... give her the cash or buy her nice dinner... (don't mention about the earrings... what would be the point?)

Obviously you love your wife... and sometimes stuff like this should be rested in peace...

Have a good time with what ever the money you get from it... if it is worthless, throw them away..
posted by curiousleo at 11:36 AM on May 26, 2006

I think pawning/selling them - quietly - and using the money towards a consumable night for the wife is appropriate in a twisted way. Swords into ploughshares, or so. Not ever ever mentioning how or why is not the same as lying. :)
posted by kcm at 11:39 AM on May 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

Do not give them to the wife.
posted by occhiblu at 11:39 AM on May 26, 2006

Euccchhh. I see "harm" in your future.
posted by jon_kill at 11:40 AM on May 26, 2006

I also don't think it's tacky to ask your wife if she'd like them first. But if she is not interested in them, you could give them to a niece or the daughter of a friend.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 11:40 AM on May 26, 2006

Don't give them to your wife. That's not a good idea. I'd sell them, or give them a friend, or anyone else really.
posted by chunking express at 11:40 AM on May 26, 2006

If you sell them you are not likely to get enough money to take yourselves out to McDonalds. Used jewellry isn't worth anything. The only reason there is anything "wrong" with regifting jewellry is because DeBeers tells us that "A diamond is forever" to reduce re-sale value and generations of women (and some men) have bought into that garbage. If your wife buys that, then don't give them to her. She will feel insulted and maybe "unlucky." If she's not superstitious, then give them to her. Don't make a big deal about it, tell her that they used to belong to your ex, but they are nice pieces and if she likes them she can have them.
posted by arcticwoman at 11:43 AM on May 26, 2006

Say, "I found these earrings from way back when in a box. I'm just going to sell them unless you want them or know someone who would like them."
posted by sonofsamiam at 11:46 AM on May 26, 2006

Offer them to your wife with the history and if she doesn't want to keep them, decide together on what to do with them.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 11:48 AM on May 26, 2006

No matter how you feel about the items it is NOT your wife's job to deal with the history and choose to keep something because you don't know if she wants 'em or not, it is yours.

If you are going to give her a gift, give a proper gift, without baggage or asking her to make up her mind about something. It should be something you want her to have. You are not asking her if she wants a peanut butter sandwhich while you are in the kitchen.

(Obviously some items come with histories that enhance the thought - heirlooms etc.)

The fact that you asked the question makes me wonder if they really are simply earrings to you. If they have too much history, turn 'em into something useful or give em up and keep the story to yourself and us.
posted by asparagus_berlin at 11:49 AM on May 26, 2006

Don't present them as a gift. Tell her where they came from, and ask her if she'd like them, or if there is anyone she'd like to give them to because either would be preferable to selling them. If she tries them on, or holds them up to her ears, tell her "they look good on you," or words to that effect.
posted by Good Brain at 11:50 AM on May 26, 2006

I don't see anything wrong with offering your wife the earrings along with an honest explanation of their origins. If I were her, I'd be all "Sweet, free earrings!" Besides, you probably wouldn't get enough for a nice dinner by pawning them.
posted by 912 Greens at 11:51 AM on May 26, 2006

Speaking as a wife, I would be fairly irritated with my husband if he tossed a perfectly servicable pair of earrings just because they once belonged to an ex. We have handmade glass made by my husband's ex, and I think it's neat and special. To me, if she's jealous of a long-gone cheating and dumped ex of yours, the jewelry is the least of your problems.

Inconveniently, of course, all women have different perspectives on these things. I do think erring toward honesty rather than unilateral decisionmaking is preferable; YMMV, however.
posted by miss tea at 11:54 AM on May 26, 2006

Even if there's a chance that your wife won't mind, don't do it. It's the wrong thing to do. You don't want to be the kind of guy who gives his wife his ex's old jewelry.
posted by booth at 11:58 AM on May 26, 2006

Alternate view:
I might feel obligated to start wearing them to prove they didn't creep me out, even if they did.

I say don't give them to her.
posted by CunningLinguist at 11:59 AM on May 26, 2006

Offer them to your wife with the history and if she doesn't want to keep them, decide together on what to do with them.

Seconded. You don't have anything to hide, so why hide anything?
posted by hazyjane at 12:00 PM on May 26, 2006

Take the "Look what I found, Honey" approach and let her know why you have a pair of diamonds sitting around. If she likes them then tell her she can have them as Good Brain, 912 Greens and others have suggested.

Problems would arise if you gave them to her as a gift and she later found out their true history. (Saw it happen when Mom learned about her wedding rings.)
posted by onhazier at 12:01 PM on May 26, 2006

Speaking as a wife, I would be fairly irritated with my husband if he tossed a perfectly servicable pair of earrings just because they once belonged to an ex.

Me too.
posted by agregoli at 12:01 PM on May 26, 2006

Pawn. Shop.
posted by reformedjerk at 12:01 PM on May 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm a wife and I wouldn't want them, but everyone's different. If you think they're to your wife's tastes, sure, offer them in a "hey I found these earrings that were _____'s. Do you want them? If not, I'm just going to toss them" sort of way.

If you do offer them, let us know what she says. I'm curious as to what her response would be.
posted by boomchicka at 12:02 PM on May 26, 2006

Maybe you could find another guy with a similarly "tainted" piece of jewelry, trade, and give his jewelry to your wife? This has to be a fairly common situation for men to find themselves in. For example, somewhere out there my ex-fiancé is walking around wondering what to do with the engagement ring I gave back to him.
posted by hazyjane at 12:04 PM on May 26, 2006

I wouldn't give them to the wife - make a charitable donation out of them instead. Take the earrings to one of those groups that helps low-income women put together attire for job interviews. Turns the negative into a positive.
posted by lilboo at 12:06 PM on May 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

"Hey, Jane, look what I just found... I can't believe I've had them in my ________ for _____ years! Well, they sure mean nothing to me now. Thank goodness that's ancient history, and learning about _real_ love with you has let me forget that horrible incident.

"Since I doubt you'd want them, I guess I'll just donate them or pawn them; maybe I should just throw them out. What do you think I should do with them?"



If she did want them, then it could be a kind of poetic justice that this symbol of your young, pure love now rests with the rightful custodian of your heart.
posted by amtho at 12:08 PM on May 26, 2006

I second the idea of trading for other jewellery. Maybe you could go to a consignment jeweller and explain the predicament. Surely someone else will be in a similar situation. Do the trade, then each pay the jeweller to reset the traded stones in something completely different, like a pendant, bracelet, ring, pin, etc.

You could also try consigning the ring, but I bet you'd have better luck (and financial reward) with the above example.

BTW, if you do sell, make sure it takes place at the jeweller's or, ideally, at the bank. My friend said her jeweller recommended only doing trades/sales at a bank, because of safety and fraud.
posted by acoutu at 12:13 PM on May 26, 2006

As a husband I would never offer my wife a gift (especially diamonds no matter how inexpensive) with the approach - "do you want this or I'm just gonna toss it".

If you found the girlfriends old kitchenaid mixer - I might ask in this way - meaning something more utilitarian, not romantic.
posted by asparagus_berlin at 12:19 PM on May 26, 2006

Oh good grief.

Just tell her what you found and ask her what she thinks you should do with them. Don't make a big hairy deal about it. If you-together-decide to get rid of them, let her put them on Ebay with an appropriate story line. She'll get more for them than you would.
posted by konolia at 12:38 PM on May 26, 2006

Ebay. No question. Asparagus has got it-- they have some sort of meaning to you, so get rid of them. You don't want to look at your wife wearing the earrings and be reminded of your ex, no matter how much you're all fine with everything.

Exes are exes. Get rid of ex stuff and start anew.
posted by orangemiles at 12:46 PM on May 26, 2006

Cripes. I agree with everyone who says to just tell her that you found them, ask her what she thinks you should do with them, and then do whatever she suggests.

I love jewelry. I don't think I would be put off by having second-hand diamonds given to me by my sweetie. Unfortunately, he thinks that all diamonds and other gems are classified as "Ooooo! Shiny!" and that women are drawn to Ooooo Shiny Things like flies to something else. He never bought any of his exs anything like that, so there's no chance of cast-off treasures.
posted by Corky at 1:09 PM on May 26, 2006

don't offer them to your wife.

First, the history attached is still fresh in *your* mind. Second they are used earrings. Used! ewww.
posted by seawallrunner at 1:10 PM on May 26, 2006

I don't see this as a "gift" situation. I don't think it would bother me if the boyfriend found a pair of earrings that had once belonged to the ex and offered them to me - I'd be more annoyed, as others have said above, if he tossed them out of some fear that there's a residual hex on them. (I also don't think I'd take them, as my taste in jewelry is rather different from his exes'.)

I second the idea of giving them to one of those organizations that helps lower-income women by giving them professional attire.
posted by anjamu at 1:11 PM on May 26, 2006

Just put them in your box of stuff and keep it as a moment in time.
posted by Mean Mr. Bucket at 1:15 PM on May 26, 2006

I'm a I-don't-care kind of gal and have a thing for used jewelry (why pay retail?). But I'd be hurt, but do my best to fake like I was fine with it, if my boyfriend offered me his ex's old earrings.

Then again, I'm not a diamonds-are-groovy girl.

I like the, "Oh crap. Look what I found. Can you think of a good use for these, honey? Anyone we wanna regift these to?" Then, if she wants 'em, she'll take 'em.

I dislike the Ebay/pawn shop idea just because it's like you're sneaking behind her back. This gives you something to keep from her, which may nag at you, or she may find out about you, which will cause her to distrust you.

If she's your wife, you're in this crazy ride together. Share the bumps, yeah?
posted by Gucky at 1:28 PM on May 26, 2006

sonofsamiam and konolia have wisdom here.

The best possible response your wife can have is "I don't want them. Sell them and buy yourself something."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:31 PM on May 26, 2006

Sell them and buy your wife a pair of 1-carat earrings (or other durable, romantic gift to her taste)
posted by mikewas at 1:46 PM on May 26, 2006

I agree with some others here... you should just show them to your wife as something found and ask her, "So, what should we do with them? It seems wasteful to just chuck them"

I don't see how something like this could be misinterepreted.



Hey, Jane, look what I just found... I can't believe I've had them in my ________ for _____ years!

This sentence just screams dirty mad libs.
posted by utsutsu at 1:49 PM on May 26, 2006

I'm going to weigh in in favour of the 'Offer them to her, but not as a gift' position. If you wrap them up and give them to her for her birthday, that'd be creepy.

On the other hand, if you're presenting it as something you happen to possess, that's a whole different thing. 'Well, I have these earrings, here's why, and I wasn't planning any new piercings any time soon, you want 'em?'

Don't expect 'diamond earrings' gift level gratitude in this situation, obviously, but selling jewellery never gets you anything close to what it costs to buy, so if she's at all interested, she may as well keep them.

Of course, I'm not a romantic.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:15 PM on May 26, 2006

I'm a wife and would be annoyed both if my husband threw them away, or if he gave them to me (I don't have a problem with used earrings, but am slightly superstitious). I echo the suggestion of giving them to a charity or a friend, but don't hide what you've done from your wife and let her have the option of keeping them if she wants them.
posted by joannemerriam at 2:18 PM on May 26, 2006

This is one of the most interesting threads I've ever read. The responses are way more varied than I'd have predicted. Clearly, objects -- earrings -- mean different things to different people, and to a very few, an earring is just an earring.

In my marriage, I would feel totally comfortable offering them to my wife along with the story. She and I have talked over all our past relationships, so it would be pretty easy: "You know that girl Jane I once dated -- the one who cheated on me..." But some couples probably haven't shared all these details from their past.

To me, a gift DOES have symbolism attached to it, but that symbolism pretty much gets created in the moment of gift giving. I treasure my wedding ring, but I don't really care whether my wife bought it, found it in the gutter or ripped it off the finger of a former lover. The point is that she gave it to me, and that erases any past it might have had. But I WOULD feel weird if I found out that it had an odd history and she was hiding it from me. The problem would be the deception, not the history.

But everyone is different, and it all depends on when the object's story starts for you -- and on the specifics of your relationship.

Also, like several other people here, I AM materialistic to a degree. I just might like an object for its intrinsic qualities, and if someone tossed it -- without giving me a chance to keep it -- I might be pissed.
posted by grumblebee at 3:01 PM on May 26, 2006

If they were interesting or distinctive, I could see keeping them and going with something like amtho's script. If they're generic diamond studs, just pawn 'em. Some young, poor kid can buy them for his girlfriend from the pawnshop.
posted by desuetude at 3:43 PM on May 26, 2006

I think the bigger problem is going to be that she thinks you've kept them for some sentimental reason. Sure, you can be all rational and everything, but if your wife is the kind of lady that 50% of women (give or take) are, they're going to turn it into some negative thing and bring it up years later when talking to their friends... "Well, you think that's crazy? My husband kept a pair of his ex-girlfriend's earings for years after we married!"

Hopefully you didn't get one of the crazy ones that think this way.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:25 PM on May 26, 2006

Wouldn't they remind you of the whole situation every time she wore them? Would that bother you?
posted by IronLizard at 4:26 PM on May 26, 2006

Wouldn't they remind you of the whole situation every time she wore them? Would that bother you?

It was fifteen years ago, I would expect that he's over it and I would assume his wife isn't worried about the ancient past.
posted by arcticwoman at 4:34 PM on May 26, 2006

Stuff them back in the box. If, for some reason, you and your wife are going through boxes in the future, and she find them, that's the time to offer them. THey've been sitting in a box for 15 years, they can stay there for another 15 years.
posted by necessitas at 5:11 PM on May 26, 2006

Speaking as a wife, I would be fairly irritated with my husband if he tossed a perfectly servicable pair of earrings just because they once belonged to an ex.

Me three. And yes, the varied responses in this thread are very interesting.
posted by misozaki at 5:31 PM on May 26, 2006

With such a range of advice, I'd print out this thread, hand it to your wife and ask her to circle the best response(s).
posted by rob511 at 6:00 PM on May 26, 2006

Why not tell her where they're from and ask if she knows a friend who might want them.

That we she'll say if she wants them, suggest a friend, or suggest to sell them. The ball's in her court in a no pressure way.
posted by mule at 6:07 PM on May 26, 2006

I'd just like to point out that these earrings may be cursed and were what caused your girlfriend to cheat on you in the first place. Now with that in mind, do you really want to risk giving them to your wife?
posted by Krrrlson at 6:36 PM on May 26, 2006

The frogurt is also cursed.


It's been hinted at above, but not explicitly mentioned - they're 5/8 karat. Some women might be bothered by this fact alone, exes notwithstanding. I would suggest selling them (with her blessing, of course) and using the money for a round of mini-golf or something otherwise temporary and fun.
posted by hoborg at 7:10 PM on May 26, 2006

sell them
posted by caddis at 7:52 PM on May 26, 2006

Not to make you insecure, but if I were you wife, I might like to be asked "gee, I have something that belonged to an ex. It has strange memories, but if you'd like to be surprised down the road, let me know....

I only say this because I might feel funny finding out about it later. But I am neither a woman, nor a jealous person.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 8:08 PM on May 26, 2006

Sidenote, but arcticwoman is right. You can't eBay jewelry and get anything worthwhile.
posted by Yogurt at 9:33 PM on May 26, 2006

If you give them to your wife, she will cheat on you. Don't jinx yourself.
posted by 5bux at 10:22 PM on May 26, 2006

I think it depends on what kind of person your wife is. Does she mind wearing other people's clothes? When she goes to the store, does she buy the most perfect and untouched item, or will she buy something that's on sale, even if it's a little bit tattered?

A lot of people don't like used things. If this is the case with your wife, give the earrings to someone else (a sister, cousin, etc). Or trade them to a friend who might give them to his wife. Or sell them to a shop and use the money to do something nice for her.

On the other hand, if you're wife is the type of person who doesn't mind used items, then give her the earrings but in a matter-of-fact way (not as a romantic gesture). Tell her about the history of them. Let her decide what to do with them, but do some research beforehand and give her some ideas. Something like "Honey, if you decide not to keep them, I called a dealer who'll buy them for $x amount. We can use the money to go out to dinner." This way, no matter what she does with them it's a win-win situation.
posted by hooray at 11:39 PM on May 26, 2006

If I were in your wife's position, I would far more appreciate a thoughtful dinner out of nowhere (even if it wasn't fancy) from the proceeds than the actual earrings.

My husband is great friends with his exes and there's no sordid history, but if a situation like this presented itself... I would not want any gifts from him to become gifts to me. Second-hand giving is not only tacky, but it becomes creepy when applied to romantic relationships. It's like, "What, you couldn't come up with a better idea so you're just going to do the whole 'giving the girl the earrings' thing even though it didn't work the first time?"

That's just me though. And I'm weirdly territorital about things.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:25 AM on May 27, 2006

Since you brought it up, I vote that you use the stones for another piece of jewelry and save yourself some money. Of course that means you can never tell her about the history of the diamonds, but so what? I like having some secrets from my wife.
posted by Jesco at 5:03 AM on May 27, 2006

Man, you are breaking one of the laws of re-gifting. DO NOT RE-GIFT TOO CLOSELY, which means no re-gifting to SOs.

The earrings should not be a gift; they have luggage attached. Who wants luggage off the lobes? The others have it correct in having you offer the choice to the wife and maybe converting the earrings to something else but do not re-gift. A gift is usually something that is thought as unique to the individual you are giving it to not as a secondary or tertiary afterthought.

I am not freaked out about used jewelry but these earrings are more than used they have an extra dimension that would be tricky. As a girlfriend I would be PISSED if I was given fake jewelry (I am way Asian on that) or jewelry that has some odd memories attached.

Place it in this context -- would you expect or your wife to wear the clothes of the old fiance? If the answer is "no", what makes you think the jewelry is a go?
posted by jadepearl at 5:20 AM on May 27, 2006

You don't want to be the kind of guy who gives his wife his ex's old jewelry.

Seconded.
posted by languagehat at 6:46 AM on May 27, 2006

Don't give them to her - ask her what you should do with them. Making them a gift is dodgy - too many unpredictable responses. But just telling her you found them and asking for advice? She may want to keep them, sell them, throw them away...just give her the choice.
posted by gaspode at 9:56 AM on May 27, 2006