First impressions; can I improve mine?

December 7, 2004 1:48 PM

If you met me for the first time, you'd probably think: 'He looks a bit odd'. Long, pointy nose, droopy eyes, distinct lack of chin, tall and gangly, often look sad or tired when I'm actually not. Usually, I am very unself-conscious about it, but I am aware of it somewhere in the very back of my mind. When meeting someone for the first time (in a social or work context), I'll probably not think about it at all and just attempt the usual small talk (another weakness, but hey, that's another potential thread). But later, I might dwell on the fact that whoever this person was probably came away thinking the odd/ugly thing. I still have a healthy circle of friends and there's no long-term effect. But is there anything I can do to lessen the short-term odd-factor - dress better? Sparkle with wit and intelligence? Tell jokes? Not bothered about this romance-wise (married), just social- or work-wise. Male, by the way.
posted by anonymous to human relations (32 comments total)

Not to be crass, but I think everyone is self-conscious about how they are in front of other people. In fact I think the exception is the guy who will come out of a party and think "man, I'm well-liked." Everyone doubts themselves, I guess if it's debilitating to the point of not being able to go out -- then it's a problem.
posted by geoff. at 1:56 PM on December 7, 2004

I would agree, and add that you recognize your bad points much better than anyone else does. Especially on first meeting.
posted by smackfu at 2:02 PM on December 7, 2004

Actually, geoff., I think the guy who think "man, I'm well-liked" is probably more self-conscious than most. Usually people don't remind themelves of how well-like they are unless they're worried about it.

Doesn't sound, anonymous, like you're having much trouble. Having an interesting life and ideas to talk about is vastly more important than looks -- even when considering the micro-question of the impression we leave socially. People with good and interesting lives seem healthy, which is inherently attractive. The rest is minor.
posted by argybarg at 2:03 PM on December 7, 2004

Do your best and don't worry. But, if your asking, I would recommend

1. expensive haircut.
2. anthony facial products. face soap, toner, weekly mask, daily moisturizer.
3. exercise, run or gym, great for the skin.
4. Never drink sodas, and drink lots of water during the day. Lots.
5. Dressing anything less than, say, banana republic is a problem. If you want to splurge try a nice hugo boss dress shirt with a subtle prada jacket.
6. Lots of people wear glasses, and glasses look great on lots of people. Give it a try.
7. This is not without work and/or philosophical considerations. The most important thing though is that you're comfortable with what you are doing and who you are.
posted by orange clock at 2:06 PM on December 7, 2004

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I mean, the primary reason we humans attach any importance to physical 'beauty' is that subconsciously it signifies health and thus indicates useful genes. In this modern age that doesn't really matter as much since things like intelligence, wit, and creativity are as important or more important than appearance. You have friends and you have attracted a mate, if new acquaintances are judging you on appearance perhaps they are not worth associating with? I mean, it depends on your own values, but I have found that, if I take the effort to get to know people that I originally dismissed as shallow and uninteresting, they frequently turn out to be shallow and uninteresting. Being physically 'odd' in appearance would be a useful short cut for weeding these people out.

If your appearance is such that even the most wonderful person in the world will be put off at least initially about the only thing you can do is whatever you have been doing. Talk, don't be shy, let them know you as soon as possible so they can replace that first, visual, impression with a more emotional one. In terms of minimizing the effect of your appearance, I wouldn't recommend clothing that draws attention to yourself however, well tailored clothes and a discrete but attractive piece of jewelry (a watch, ring, or even cuff-links) would probably work well.
posted by Grod at 2:06 PM on December 7, 2004

Revel in your individuality/ just ask your wife how odd you really are. I ride to work most days on my scooter wearing jeans and a t shirt (with appropriate amounts of leather added now that it is getting cold) and fit in just fine with my starched shirt/suit/tie wearing colleagues. Don't worry about being different; every group needs a token eccentric. Besides, I am ugly as sin (yet not as ugly as some of my friends) and still mange to enjoy a good life on both personal and professional levels. Ugly is better than being an asshole any day.
posted by TedW at 2:07 PM on December 7, 2004

Long, pointy nose, droopy eyes, distinct lack of chin, tall and gangly, often look sad or tired when I'm actually not.

If it's of any consolation, you kind of sound like my type! Seriously, I have had more crushes on tall gangly guys with long features than I can count. (Do you wear glasses? Because that: just increases the attractiveness factor on Planet Scody.)
posted by scody at 2:08 PM on December 7, 2004

Adrien Brody posts here? Loved The Pianist.
posted by Keith Talent at 2:10 PM on December 7, 2004

Attractive people can seem completely generic if they don't have some kind of charisma, and odd looking people can be 'distinctive' or 'striking' or whatever, if they have a strong, self-assured, interesting personality. Whatever outward appearance you got via lottery can be amped or muted by your strength of character or lack thereof.

A sense of style / nice clothes/ nice haircut can help, or more specifically, really bad taste (like, donald trump hair, eg) can hurt, if you're looking for simple practical advice. But I still think the most important part is feeling at home with yourself and interested in what's around you. A "good vibe" certainly makes a bigger difference in platonic friendships than any physical appearance.
posted by mdn at 2:19 PM on December 7, 2004

I second Orange Clock's list. We all have a range of potential, no matter the cards we were dealt by nature. Some people's range is "hot" to "super smokin hot". Perhaps you are closer to my range ("frumpy" to "kinda ok, maybe cute"). The genetically fortunate can let it all slide and still be somewhat attractive, but down at the other end, we need more work.

Being healthy and in shape helps. I've also found that mottled, horn-rimmed glasses with an uneven pattern does a lot to offset an asymmetrical face.
posted by 4easypayments at 2:28 PM on December 7, 2004

you sound just fine. please don't go with the anthony facial products and "subtle prada jacket". if you need things with names on to give you a sense of identity, you're way worse than anything you described in your text.

one thing - everyone thinks they look strange from a side angle. we're only used to seeing ourselves front-on in mirrors (that "no chin" comment rang a bell uncofortable close to home ;o)

i sometimes remember to smile, which i presume helps. and when i've been particularly ratty with someone, i apologise, which people seem to appreciate. that's about exahusted my store of social manners. hope it helps...
posted by andrew cooke at 2:30 PM on December 7, 2004

... is there anything I can do to lessen the short-term odd-factor - dress better? Sparkle with wit and intelligence? Tell jokes?

Have you considered working on being a better listener? It's not easy, obviously, but it can shift the focus of the other person, away from what you look like and toward what kind of a person you are.
posted by WestCoaster at 2:41 PM on December 7, 2004

Remember the tips about good interviewing/presenting? Good posture, eye contact, minor smile at all times, engaging facial and body language -- all these can compensate for a physical appearance that might be less than commanding. I've been criticized before for looking mean in meetings, when my face naturally does whatever it does that's mean looking, especially when I'm thinking! Not my fault! But what other people feel is important.. So I try to compensate by lightening up, trying to nurture a natural bland but pleasant expression. I hope it works, nobody has said I was mean in a while.. sad or tired can be a problem, you probably need to try to develop a sparkley expression on the outside, even when you're terminally bored on the inside.
posted by dness2 at 2:50 PM on December 7, 2004

I don't think that not looking the stereotypical handsome man is a problem. But constantly looking tired or sad when you're not may be.

I had the problem of having red eyes quite a bit when I was younger, people thought I was high and I assume I was treated differently. It sucks to not communicate the right feelings.
posted by Napierzaza at 3:14 PM on December 7, 2004

You've got a wife who, I'm assuming, you love and loves you back. Don't sweat what random strangers think of you. You're light years better off than me.

I like what andrew said - smile! I have terrible self esteem regarding my 'looks' and working out doesn't do anything to make my body more attractive but I've noticed that smiling helps people act like (at least) they like me/you better and I've managed to make my eyes twinkle on command, with practice.

As for the tired/sad thing, good posture and a mischievious grin can go a long ways. But then again, I usually am tired and/or sad (and hence I just don't try) so take this with a grain of salt.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 3:29 PM on December 7, 2004

I have the same problem, to a degree. When I haven't been stressed out and have been cheerful and full of energy, coworkers would literally be drawn to me, to a degree, if only to hear me say something unintentionally bizarre. But then at certain points the stress builds, and I can see them checking me out to see if I'm in funny mode or not, and if not they sort of melt away.

I'm just going to buy a parrot and keep it on my shoulder.
posted by mecran01 at 4:13 PM on December 7, 2004

I'd go boho.
posted by rhruska at 4:23 PM on December 7, 2004

I immediatly thought of Adrien Brody myself. Watch his film Dummy and remind yourself not to act that way. Amazing how he can switch between charasmatic movie star to someone completely socially inept with just a few mannersims.
posted by bobo123 at 4:28 PM on December 7, 2004

In my circle of friends (which is very small) odd is the norm. Very few people I know and count as friends would fall into the accepted (in the US) view of a 'beautiful person'. Those that do have quirks that aren't noticeable at first glance.

I don't actively seek out odd-looking people, they just seem to have more depth of character and are usually more interesting, less shallow, than 'the norm'.
posted by kamylyon at 4:52 PM on December 7, 2004

Usually if you do anything, any small thing, that shows interest in the other person, they will not walk away thinking badly of you. Ask them a question. Talk to them for a minute. Compliment them on something. Any show of goodwill can turn a vague bad vibe into a good vibe, plus you get a guilt-factor bonus once they realize you are okay and they feel bad for thinking ill of you at first.

Also, I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you sound a little self-absorbed. These nuances of your appearance aren't things I tend to notice, and your self-consciousness might be holding you back in social situations. I notice attitude, hygeine, humor, maybe physical things like height. But length of nose? Cut yourself loose a bit and stop sweating the details.
posted by scarabic at 5:37 PM on December 7, 2004

It's liberating to realize that everyone else is totally into themselves and could give a flying fuck about how you look. Even if they think you look odd, they don't really care one way or the other. That's point one.

Point two is people forget how you look once they get to know you. Your looks fade into the background.

Point three is that points one and two don't apply to people like, oh, Naomi Campbell. But they do to the 99.9% rest of us.

You look great. Merry Christmas!!
posted by mono blanco at 5:52 PM on December 7, 2004

One of the finest people ever in my life was *paaainnfuully* thin, ad spotty skin, a hook nose, lazy eye, frizzy hair, deaf in one ear, crooked teeth, and a creaky voice. He was wonderful, and I am betting, Anonymous, that if I met you, I would think of him, and immediately have the warmest and best of feelings. Do not underestimate your own ability (or anyone else's) to conjure up goodness in people.
As for practicality, simply go into and exit all social events knowing there is indeed something essentially you about you, and people, if they know about it, simply can't do without. That is what was so great about my friend- he knew he was not the most attractive man ever, but he also knew he quickly becomes indispensable to the people he meets. And he was right
posted by oflinkey at 5:58 PM on December 7, 2004

Just get a lot of books.
posted by TimeFactor at 6:52 PM on December 7, 2004

Buy a bowler hat. That way, you won't have to worry about whether they thought you odd; you'll know for sure. It worked well for my son [warning: gratuitous self-post of family member].
posted by Doohickie at 7:35 PM on December 7, 2004

please don't go with the anthony facial products and "subtle prada jacket".

I don't know about that. I'm not sure about the facial products, but well-made clothes will actually change the way you look. It's weird, but it's true. I wish I had more money to buy nice clothes.
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 9:01 PM on December 7, 2004

You've got a wife who, I'm assuming, you love and loves you back. Don't sweat what random strangers think of you. You're light years better off than me.

Seconded.
posted by davy at 9:22 PM on December 7, 2004

It's liberating to realize that everyone else is totally into themselves and could give a flying fuck about how you look. Even if they think you look odd, they don't really care one way or the other.

I have to disagree with this. People make all sorts of assumptions based on your appearance. These assumptions are so strong that we don't even attribute it to a person's physical makeup. We just think, "oh, he seemed so sad/tired/weird." Once people get to know you, sure, those assumptions fall by the wayside-- anonymous said as much in his post. But the question was: is it possible for one counteract a sad/tired/odd first impression?
posted by 4easypayments at 10:16 PM on December 7, 2004

Do not underestimate your own ability (or anyone else's) to conjure up goodness in people.

That was a beautiful think to say, oflinkey. And another quote that I think could perhaps help here, from Henry Miller:

Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself."

I don't mean to be flippant but I've thought about this a great deal and in my own life I try to be grateful for everything I do have instead of worrying about minor flaws. Living in a culture that focuses on perfection and the importance of the self tends to encourage meaningless striving and makes us forget to appreciate the good things. We're only here for a little while, after all. Don't spend your precious time on this beautiful planet worrying about the shape of your chin (or the name brand on your suit jacket, for that matter) when there is so much else out there to discover and enjoy.
posted by hazyjane at 1:56 AM on December 8, 2004

I try to be grateful for everything I do have instead of worrying about minor flaws.

When one adopts this mindset, one can actually grow to love his 1995 Ford Aspire, simply because it runs reliably and gets good mileage. Trust me; I know. If one can love a Ford Aspire, one can deal with other people thinking, 'He looks a bit odd'.
posted by Doohickie at 6:15 AM on December 8, 2004

Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself. (Henry Miller)

Fantastic quote hazyjane! So, so true.
posted by SpaceCadet at 6:49 AM on December 8, 2004

Bad link to the Ford Aspire, but can any link to an Aspire be considered good??!?
posted by Doohickie at 7:23 AM on December 8, 2004

Man, I wish I would've gotten to this thread earlier... :-(

to the original poster:

It seems that you're concerned about your appearance affecting last(/lasting) impressions, and not first impressions.

Here's what I've observed:
Looks are important for first impressions and setting the initial tone. Given time, it's what you do that demonstrates who you are, and that's what leaves the lasting impression.

It sounds like you leave good lasting impressions and have been socially successful, so you're obviously doing something right.

Perhaps this is really a question about not getting the opportunity to participate in certain social situations due to appearance, rather than a feeling of performing poorly in those situations?
posted by C.Batt at 9:28 AM on December 8, 2004