February 9, 2011 11:41 AM Subscribe
I'm a bit lazy, and a bit irresponsible. But most of all, I'm scared. Hope me.
I always get the feeling that I fool people into believing I'm awesome, and that they are eventually going to see my true, horrible colors. I think this is affecting my work and social life.
Since I can remember, I've been a master at great first impressions. I'm like a professional Mr. Wickham. People love me, friends, teachers, coworkers, bosses, and I get to fool them for a period of time, but eventually there's disappointment and a horrible feeling of “much ado about nothing” about myself.
All my childhood I was told that I was "hateable", and it marked me. I say it to myself sometimes, and I mostly feel like I'm a hopeless loser in disguise. People are confused by my behavior, and I've been called shy and extroverted in equal measures.
Anyway, these feelings paralyze me. At work, I sometimes let phone messages accumulate without checking them because I think most of them are to tell me how much I suck. If somebody gives me criticism, I take it to heart and think everyone hates me. I am not fulfilling my potential at all; I’m simply putting out fires and too busy quivering in shame and fear, most of the time. People who know me would never guess that I feel this way.
Sometimes, when things aren’t going well(most of the time), I simply run away and hide at home (boring). I don’t get out and stay alone (no friends), cooking (overweight) and hiding (crazy). I realize that when I feel in control, I put in more hours at work and do extra stuff, go out, see new places and think about taking awesome lessons, but that’s only when everything is perfectly perfect perfection.
Does anybody feel this way? I feel this fear of failure or dislike really destroys a potentially beautiful life. I could be doing interesting things, and a good job at work, but I can’t bring myself to TRY. How can I deal with this?