I Don't Love My Partner's Children as Much as My Own

December 2, 2004 12:05 PM

Question for step-parents.
My significant other and I both have several children from other marriages. I truly love this person, and their children. But I don't love this person's children anywhere even close to how much I love mine. Just looking at my children breaks my heart, I can never get enough time with them. It's not like my significant other's children aren't great or I don't love them. But there is a big difference in how I love them, compared to my own. My children just don't seem to annoy me the way my significant other's do. Is this a relationship breaker? Does anyone have experience with this?
posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

Are step-parents supposed to love their step-children just as much as they love their biological children? I think you're setting some bizarrely high expectations for yourself. The key is to treat all the children fairly, not love them all equally.

I think this is a case in which a family therapist could be very helpful, both for you on your own and you and your SO together. My guess is that your SO doesn't love your children exactly as much as he/she loves his/her children.

From the child's perspective, I would say that all I wanted was fair and friendly treatment, and respect for my closeness with my Dad. I never wanted anyone to try to replace my mother.

The blended families I have known that worked the best are the ones that a) acknowledged that children had a special closeness with their biological parent, and made time for children and their biological parent to be together without the spouse and steps, and b) despite acknowledging that togetherness, treated every child equally and every parent equally, and worked hard on making sure that nobody played anyone (including the ex-spouses) against anyone else.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:25 PM on December 2, 2004

I think Sidhedevil nails it.

You might be interested in reading Family First by Dr. Phil - it adresses a lot of questions about mixed families. If I remember correctly, his advice is basically the same as Sidhedevil's.
posted by widdershins at 12:51 PM on December 2, 2004

I agree with Sidhedevil, as usual.

The only thing I can add is that step parents are something like five times more likely to abuse step children than their own kids. I think the reasoning is that there's no genetic investment so its more "permissible" though child abuse in any situation is abhorrent.

Just a little extra food for thought.
posted by fenriq at 12:57 PM on December 2, 2004

I'm with Sidhedevil. My step-mom -- though I don't think done intentionally -- always seemed to exclude me from activities/conversations she had with her biological children. Growing up, I constatly resented her for it. And because I resented her, I didn't respect anything she had to say either.
posted by fourstar at 1:49 PM on December 2, 2004

sidhedevil's very right.

the vast majority of blended families run into this problem. you're very unlikely to ever love your stepchildren as you do your biological children. for that matter, unless they are very young, they are unlikely to ever love you as much as they love their biological parents.

speaking as someone who was a child in a blended family, more modest goals are what you should be aiming for. make sure that you respect your stepchildren - don't try to become a replacement for your significant other's ex. your stepchildren want to be treated fairly, they want someone who will respect them and try to like them, but they probably don't want a replacement parent. realize that little things - holiday traditions, furniture, etc - can have great importance to kids, and try to be willing to compromise on such issues. that will go a long way towards winning the respect of the stepkids. try your best to treat all of the children - yours and your stepchildren - as fairly as possible. realize that no matter how hard you try, you're still likely to be favoring your own children a little bit. make sure that you act respectful towards your significant other's ex - seeming to attack or dislike them can cause resentment among the stepchildren. respect the fact that sometimes your significant other will need to do things alone with their kids - and also that you have the right to sometimes to things alone with your kids. don't fall into the trap of thinking that the family has to be one big happy family like the brady bunch - real life situations are infinitely more complex.
posted by ubersturm at 1:50 PM on December 2, 2004

What's been said is excellent.

I'm just going to add two things.

First, do not try to directly parent your stepkids (unless the other parent is totally out of the picture.) If you do get involved in such a degree, do so gradually. Really gradually. In fact, don't.

And as far as love? Next time they frustrate the hell out of you, remind yourself what they have lost in their parent's broken marriage. That they are already, at some level, hurt and/or resentful. As best as possible: don't make mistakes.

(I was both a step child and a step parent at different times in my life.)
posted by filmgeek at 2:19 PM on December 2, 2004

As a stepdad, I'm really glad I never had children of my own -- I don't have anything to compare my strong affection for my stepson to, so I can enjoy it for what it is. (And I'm absolutely nuts about my stepgrandkid!)
posted by languagehat at 3:01 PM on December 2, 2004

As a failed stepdad (my stepson moved out to live with his dad when he was 13 because he couldn't stand me) I really agree with most of the advice here. I want to reinforce the point that you should never be the one to discipline your stepkids or even criticize their behavior. I thought my stepson needed discipline when what he really need was unconditional love, and I drove him away, breaking the hearts of all three of us. Be fair, defer to mom, and work on forging bonds of love.

(Maybe I should ad that the stepson is now 22, came back to live with us two years ago while he attends college, and is now one of my best friends. Life is funny.)
posted by LarryC at 6:05 AM on December 3, 2004