HA Ha ha--not funny

May 8, 2009 4:53 AM

How can I get rid of my nervous laugh?

I was out with a group of people last night and again noticed myself laughing at things that weren’t jokes. It wasn’t serious conversation, but it wasn’t in response to a funny story or joke. I could feel my jaw clenching a little and my stomach tightening. It clearly wasn’t a relaxed, good-times reaction.

I realize the underlying issue here is confidence, and the nervous laugh is symptomatic of that. But I’m hoping that by addressing the symptom, I might start fixing the cause.

What tips do you have for getting rid of a nervous laugh?

posted by tenaciousd to human relations (11 comments total)

I have no idea. I've had a nervous laugh for years. I even got beaten up in school because of it. (He thought I was laughing at him, and every time he hit me I laughed harder. I never did get a chance to explain what was going on.)

I think addressing the root issue will resolve the nervous laughter. Other than noticing and focusing on it, I don't know of any techniques for dealing with the nervous laughter itself. The whole point is that you're laughing at stuff that isn't funny, ne? Picturing unfunny stuff won't help.
posted by Scattercat at 5:19 AM on May 8

Maybe it starts with just accepting that you feel a little uncomfortable when socializing and sometimes it manifests itself that way. I remember hearing somewhere that when public speaking, the goal is not to get rid of the heart palpitations and sweaty palms, but to accept them as natural-- as part of the experience of speaking in public. This is not to say that nervous laughter is useful or necessarily natural, but gently acknowledging to yourself that you're doing it and that no one cares as much as you may help you relax.

When I feel most self-conscious, I will sometimes try to make myself look at the people around me--look at them deliberately and with care and love (I know this seems hokey, but I'm serious) and recognize their humanity. It helps me remember that I am just one of many people in this world, and not some kind of freak after all.

As far as nervous tics going, a little extra laughter is not a bad one to have. Keep in mind, too, that laughter at not-funny things is perfectly normal and there are studies that show that nearly everyone does this. People laugh constantly, not just in response to humorous stuff, but simply to create bonds with other people. Recognize your laugh as an expression of your desire to connect, and try replacing it with other kinds of expression: eye contact, facial expressions, words, and even silence. I have a few friends who tend to be the quieter ones when we go out, and that's okay. Everyone seems happy to have them there, even if they're not brimming with entertaining talk.
posted by cymru_j at 5:49 AM on May 8 [4 favorites has favorites]

The best way is to identify whether you are laughing at yourself or others when you do it. If you are laughing at something you said, it might mean a complete reversal of a personality trait, which is very difficult. I like to own the room, for example. In the last six months I have begun to pull back and listen much more closely and quietly - realizing my ability to solve things is better when the advice has come as part of a request for assistance rather than my own outreach. It has been really helpful for me to do this. See if you can be willing to hold back comments from yourself that would create a nervous laugh situation and then decide if it would be more apropos to the groups you subject to your nervous laugh to deliver 'the punchline' in an e-mail or other non-verbal communication. The best way to stop nearly all behaviors that are detrimental to personal development is to change your modes of communication.
posted by parmanparman at 6:33 AM on May 8

I used to do this constantly. It was definitely self esteem issues, I think I felt like I didn't really have much to contribute to the conversation, so I just laughed at everything. I wish I could tell you how I stopped, but I don't really know. I got a few strange looks from friends after particularly inappropriate laughs, so I think I realized that it wasn't having the social smoothing over effect I was subconsciously intending. Once I consciously realized what I was doing and that it wasn't working, I think I cut it out fairly quickly.
posted by yellowbinder at 7:29 AM on May 8

I know nobody cares about anything Freud said anymore, but I think he was spot on about nervous laughter...he said it hides feelings of terror. This is pretty much what's been said so far.

If it were me, I would delve deeply into what it is about these situations that's awful. Sartre said hell is other people. I realize that's not everyone's perspective...Americans in particular feel compelled to be social and well-adjusted, whatever that means, and so we reject out of hand anything even close to the possibility of terror on a daily basis. But it does happen, and it can become a fount of intense personal discovery and exciting creative development if you're willing to stretch yourself and take a peek down into that cavern, and listen to what's echoing around in there.

Our deepest feelings are always significant, even (and especially) the ones that don't feel good to have. They always mean something and tell us something. What that something is might not be terrific, but it is fundamental. The road to self-knowledge is frightening, and I think you're courageous for beginning to take that path.

As I get older I realize that I'm just not interested in most people. So if I'm invited out to be with people I don't enjoy, I've been tending to opt out of it. Maybe you don't have a problem at all. Look, life is short. Don't spend it around people you can't stand. If it's hard to shirk what you think of as social obligations, just start with one day a week. Tell yourself you're not going to do anything you don't want to do today, unless it contributes to your financial well-being or is something you need to do to massage your career or whatever. And during your free time on that day, which is so very precious, do whatever the hell you want to do for a change. Go ahead, you have my permission ;-)
posted by frosty_hut at 8:45 AM on May 8 [1 favorite has favorites]

This post is a tiny revelation for me. I don’t have a nervous laughter response, but have spent time with those who do exhibit the habit and it never occurred to me that these people might feel insecure. ...To the contrary, their excessive chuckling has often made me feel insecure, i.e. Are they laughing at me? Do I have pen ink on my cheek again? Basil stuck in my teeth? Have I once again mispronounced voir dire?

Perhaps it would help you to try to remember that every thoughtful person experiences insecurity and it is always possible that the people in whose company you’re afraid of laughing nervously feel just as insecure as you do if not more so.
posted by applemeat at 9:03 AM on May 8

Try breathing deeply, even exaggeratedly so, while the other person is talking. It's harder to laugh, and the calming effect might remove some jitters.
posted by rokusan at 10:10 AM on May 8

Try recording yourself and listening to it the next day. Depending on how uncomfortable you are with the habit/yourself this can easily make you self conscious enough to think about it before it happens.

Try wearing a girdle, corset, or wrapping an ace bandage around your lower chest where your diaphragm is. You'll immediately notice any unexpected laughs.
posted by Ookseer at 11:32 AM on May 8

It's interesting because most of these posts seem to imply that it's a rational thing done on purpose. It's more a mechanism to deal with threatening things (insecurity, terror), and in my experience, a deep fear rather than casual. There was a story recently that talked about how laughter's purpose is only to create security, it has nothing to do with humor. Something about how we only laugh out loud with other people (or the tv), that we're alerting them that we're not a threat. The fact that laughter helps with pain is part of this. So laughing when you feel threatened is entirely natural. Suppressing it may be the unnatural thing and may just inflict the terror upon yourself rather than dissipating it. Whenever I've willed myself to stop I just feel the terror/discomfort more acutely. I don't know if it's making others uncomfortable, but at this point I'd rather laugh and be somewhat embarrassed than unnecessarily feel pain.

I wish I could find the article! It chronicled studies/a study on the safety/laughter connection. I think it was in the NYT, or NPR.
posted by scazza at 11:46 AM on May 8

This might be it: "The laughter stimulates euphoria circuits in the brain and also reassures the other animals that they’re playing, not fighting.

“Primal laughter evolved as a signaling device to highlight readiness for friendly interaction,” Professor Panksepp says. “Sophisticated social animals such as mammals need an emotionally positive mechanism to help create social brains and to weave organisms effectively into the social fabric.”
...
“Laughter seems to be an automatic response to your situation rather than a conscious strategy,”"
posted by scazza at 11:59 AM on May 8

I realize the underlying issue here is confidence, and the nervous laugh is symptomatic of that.

So in reading your question over, I guess I'm saying that all laughs are nervous, laughs aren't responses to jokes. If it's a confidence issue, I don't think that strapping yourself into a corset is going to do anything but reinforce that you're weak and need to be fixed. Maybe I'm not helping, but I think that understanding that you're laughing for the entirely right reasons and accepting that laughter may help. Overcorrecting by suppressing your fears and forcing yourself to act like everything is ok may make any confidence issue worse.

[Sorry for posting 3x!]
posted by scazza at 12:10 PM on May 8