How can I psych myself up for social gatherings?

April 21, 2009 2:00 PM

I often feel nervous before going to social gatherings. Is there anything I can do (short of drinking a shot of something) that will help me calm down and just enjoy myself?

I'm not a strange or unlikable person; in fact, most people would describe me as reasonably outgoing, but the thought of being in a room with more than five or six people, chit-chatting, makes me feel a little jittery.

I'm less interested in books about social anxiety than little tricks you might do to psych yourself up. Thanks, guys.

posted by cymru_j to human relations (28 comments total)

Can you write a bit more about what in particular makes you nervous?
posted by gavtaylor at 2:06 PM on April 21

Being generally clumsy (I feel like I bump into things and spill things more than most people, but that could just be my imagination.) Getting in the way, not having anything worth saying... I usually end up doing just fine, but I wish I could find a way to serenely look forward to these events, rather than getting a mild stomach ache.
posted by cymru_j at 2:11 PM on April 21

I always mentally picture myself after the event.

It helps me realize that regardless of what happens at the social event, it's not likely to change me for better or worse. I'm still going to want to do whatever it is I do before I go to bed.

And to get myself psyched, I tell myself it may not go well but at least I tried. It's kind of like a one sentence summary of inspirational quotes I've read from Teddy Roosevelt and others.
posted by abdulf at 2:16 PM on April 21 [1 favorite]

I'm like that, but I just let myself be like that -- I just know and understand that going into a situation, I'm going to be nervous and uncomfortable at first, but I'll settle in and be OK. Basically, I just tell myself to get over it. Or rather, it's fine I'm a little nervous and it's not going to be a big deal.

If it's the sort of thing that's preventing you from going out and being social, that's another matter.
posted by darksong at 2:17 PM on April 21

no, it's not so bad that it keeps me at home. These are helpful, thanks both of you. I like the idea of picturing myself afterward and realizing the earth will not have stopped on its axis. Also important to just accept the nervous feelings.
posted by cymru_j at 2:20 PM on April 21

I usually end up doing just fine, but I wish I could find a way to serenely look forward to these events, rather than getting a mild stomach ache.

Aha, there's part of your answer right there: you can remind yourself ahead of time that you usually end up doing just fine. The worst-case scenario(s) you may be imagining haven't come to pass before, so in all likelihood they won't come to pass this time either.
posted by scody at 2:23 PM on April 21 [1 favorite]

Whatever negative thoughts come up during the course of an event, I endeavor immediately flip them and act as if the converse is completely true, no matter how much my psyche rebels.

Automatic thoughts that people won't like me, or that they can tell I'm nervous are just sabotage, they aren't true things. It is a catch 22, the negative thoughts cause the odd behavior which reinforces the negative thoughts etc.

So, to break that pattern, I act as if I don't have the negative thoughts, which should cause a positive cycle as these empowering actions reinforce a positive self image and run counter to a negative one. Actions I find to be easier to change than thought patterns. Its like jumping in a pool rather than standing on the edge wishing I was wet.

I used to be a complete social misfit, still am to some degree. That said, attempting this change has effected a huge improvement in my social life.
posted by jester69 at 2:36 PM on April 21

Similar to the above answers: just remember previous events where you had a fantastic time once you were actually there, and remember that whatever happens it's unlikely you'll end up having regretted going - it's usually quite the opposite, isn't it?

And if you know any other people who will also be at the event, you can look forward to seeing them.
posted by estherbester at 2:37 PM on April 21

I'm a fairly gregarious person when I know people, but I used to have real problems meeting new people and being in unfamiliar social situations. Here's what I did to make things easier:

1) I decided to pretend I was the kind of person who really loved to be around new people and I would pretend I was having a great time in any given situation. When I got to a party or a club or whatever, I would behave the way I saw people who actually thrive in social situations behave. After doing this a few times, I had to pretend less and less because I became more confident that I would find ways to enjoy the experience.

2) I made the decision that I was always going to have fun wherever I went and made that my priority. If I had that goal in mind when I went out, then I would actually loosen up and seek out things that were fun to me. Of course, it always helps to have a wingman present with the same attitude, but it works just as well alone--when you are determined to have fun, you tend to attract other people who want to have fun too.
posted by Kimberly at 2:41 PM on April 21

scody, as usual, has hit the nail on the head. Positive visualization can be a powerful tool in stressful situations, especially if you already know the outcome is going to be that you'll do just fine. Put yourself there ahead of time, see yourself smiling, chatting in a relaxed manner with people, having a laugh, and walking home contendedly.

More often than not we inflate stressful situations out of proportion and give them inordinate importance. You know you'll be fine; just head into these events knowing that.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:58 PM on April 21

It's actually very normal to feel nervous meeting new people - it shows you care. People who don't feel nervous tend to be the kind of people who end up giving off bad impressions. What has always worked for me was knowing that pretty much everyone else walking into that situation feels the same way so I have always taken on the role of helping others feel more comfortable. Find someone who is standing alone and start talking to them. It helps you get immediately acclimated and 9/10 times the person is incredibly appreciative. But of course 1/10 times you are going to get this guy.
posted by any major dude at 3:16 PM on April 21

Disclaimer: This is how I cope, which is to say, bravely, barely, and badly. When I can manage it, I go as someone else. Someone hopefully just a touch more interesting and socially able. I enjoy myself a fraction more.

Grooming: Shower, shave, pluck. Half a pill of the nearest painkiller we've got. Dab of something light and unstuffy. Old Spice is for lighting your grill, not establishing a signature scent. Perhaps comb our hair on a different side. Remind ourselves that we will not be getting phone numbers.

Clothing: Examine my wardrobe. What do people normally see me wearing? We won't be wearing that. Something brighter, with a touch of flash. Nothing drab. Nothing plain. Better shoes. Definitely new underclothes for us, although I've only put them on this morning. Ignore the fact that it just took you half an hour to put on pants. Don't we look nice? Remind ourselves that most of the people at the party will not remember if we were there or not.

Pack: Bring some interesting bit of food, or two. An odd sausage, a strange cheese. Novel nibbles. They distract people from looking at you, and, when they do notice you, can provide a conversational gambit or two. "Have you tried that sausage? It has fennel." Always bring thrice the alcohol as we intend to drink. This lets us share and gets us invited back. Weren't we considerate? Remind ourselves that we want to be invited back. Hope that the opiate du jour has kicked in. Remember it is probably not a good idea to mix all of that stuff up and drive, but then balance it against plowing into a ditch at 70mph because you're so keyed up your hands have gone cottony-glove white.

Drive: Listen to music, up-tempo and new. Aren't we hip? Nothing from The Smiths. Remind ourselves that we will not be taking anyone home. He might be correct, that we go on our own, and we leave on our own, but at least that's a baseline. Anything else is a bonus, right? Drink some water, chew some gum. Keeps us occupied and our mouth fresh. Park somewhere well-lit and near. Nest three plastic bags inside one of another, put on the passenger floorboards. Put out two squares of paper towel and a pair of rubber bands. Leave the gum out.

Go Visit: When we knock at the door, we say, "Sixty minutes. I can do sixty minutes. I did fifty-five the last time. I had a fractured foot for days before I clued in and went to the ER; I can stand on this, too." Aren't we stoic? Remind ourselves that we are there to Put On a Good Showing, whether or not we have a good time.

Then I leave myself at the door, like an invisible doll, and let someone else drive for a while. Begin the countdown.

Vivacious people do things and move about the room; wallflowers are rooted to the nearest structure. Remind ourselves that we can always pick up empty cups and place them in the trash. You can open the door if the host is unavailable. Aren't we polite? This ingratiates you to the host but, more importantly, it makes you look like you are doing something.

If you're stuck in conversation, pinned like a butterfly to a black wax dissecting board by some stranger's words, smile insincerely, raise one finger as if to say, "Hold on for a moment," then fix your eyes over the person's shoulder at some imaginary someone to whom you must tell something of vast importance. Proceed swiftly away. You can probably do this two, perhaps three times, though never to the same person twice, in any given party.

Do not monopolize the host's time. Do switch rooms often. If there is a balcony, go out there every so often for air and, more importantly, space. Aren't we social? Do have a drink. Pretend to drink it, or not, as your anxiety indicates. Remind ourselves that Americans are expected to drink something.

Done: Leave the party and proceed to your car. Breathe deeply. Have a quick vom, if necessary, into the plastic bags in the passenger side and bind them up with the rubber bands. Wipe, rinse, spit. Chew gum. Drive yourself home. Say, "I had fun at the party" about fifty times on the way back. Bonus: now that the bags are used, you won't be tempted to take a detour to the old bridge and suffocate yourself with them afterwards.

If you have any other methods available to you, consider me as an example of what not to do.
posted by adipocere at 3:56 PM on April 21 [14 favorites]

I'm pretty much the same as you except probably more outgoing (I'm more outgoing than most people *shrug*). I just take a deep breath, grit my teeth, and think of something else. I know from experience that these situations generally work out well and that there's nothing I can do to stop the flipflopping tummy before hand so I just ignore it. I figure I'll worry about being there once I get there. The worry still happens, sort of, but I'm doing the mental equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and going 'lalala I can't hear you' while distracting myself with something else.

For important things this probably isn't the best mechanism but for the transient mental stuff? Denial and procrastination are my go to methods to deal and it actually does work.
posted by shelleycat at 4:14 PM on April 21

Is there any way you could try to interpret your feelings of anxiety as feelings of excitement instead? Often the same bodily sensations could indicate either positive or negative experiences -- it's all in how you interpret them. So the next time you're getting ready for a party and you start to feel butterflies, just tell yourself "Oh boy! I'm going to a party! I'm going to meet some new people, talk to some old friends, eat some chips... it's going to be fun!"

Granted, this probably won't work for crippling social anxiety. But I have mild social anxiety and I used to get nervous before parties and public speaking; now I get vaguely excited and it's much easier.
posted by pluckemin at 4:17 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]

This probably sounds weird, but if I'm driving somewhere where I need to be social I scream when I'm in the car. I'm talking full out, blood-curdling screams that are as intense as I can make them. I'm not sure exactly what it does, but I'm guessing I get some kind of adrenaline kick that totally gets me ramped up to be social. Can't really explain why it happens.

I'll also do something crazy or embarrassing like sing at the top of my lungs in public, or dance, or do something weird around people who probably think I'm an idiot. It helps me relax and get me out of my own head, which is probably my biggest obstacle when it comes to being social.
posted by PFL at 4:31 PM on April 21

I find that usually doing a bit of preparation or research helps to clear my mind and feel like I have something to talk about or ask about as a fallback plan. It usually can't hurt to peruse relevant online news site or latest episode of the Daily Show to generate some conversation ideas; people usually like to talk about current events. As a backup, just check the Popular Favorites on MF for some of the more open-ended questions that generates lots of responses, and select one or two of those same questions to ask people you meet.

If going to a specific event, like a charity, a certain well known venue, or if a certain musical act is performing, then doing a few minutes of research on that topic is usually helpful.

If meeting up or likely to bump into people you casually know, it is usually helpful to create a mental list of a couple new topics or funny anecdotes of what is new in your life, or a couple questions to ask those people based on your last correspondence or interaction.

Usually, as you say, things tend to flow once you are there, but feeling prepared can do a lot to build confidence and mitigate pre-event nervousness.
posted by jameslavelle3 at 4:48 PM on April 21

Statistically, it is likely that there is someone at that party at least as uncomfortable to you. Your job is to find that person and help them. They really need you!
(play this well, and it takes the focus off of your self and allows you to experience empathy, curiousity & compassion)

I think the biggest challenge for most socially fearful folks is their level of absorption. ( I dont mean that in a harsh way, it is most commonplace) I mean, so what if you are uncomfortable? It doesnt mean anything until you tell yourself a story about what it means. And it is the story you are telling yourself about it that is wracking you. Commonly one sees what they came to see, only the sage sees what is so. You are experiencing the story you are making up about the experience. sigh. Or not. Sorry bout the woowoo.
posted by jcworth at 5:28 PM on April 21

Short of drinking a shot of something.

There's a reason people drink. Is there a reason you're averse to alcohol, whose precise purpose is to balm one's nerves?

It's not illegal or unethical; it's just booze.
posted by trotter at 5:33 PM on April 21

sometimes at parties, where i don't know anyone, i pretend i am an anthropologist practicing participant observation.

because then who cares if you're being kind of weird and awkward? you're just hanging out and learning stuff about people. i find it makes me a little less anxious about meeting new people if i am paying attention to what the natives are drinking. and sometimes you can narrate (TO YOURSELF) in a jacques-cousteau voice.

i am never getting invited to any parties ever again.
posted by chickadee at 5:50 PM on April 21 [1 favorite]

I have always taken on the role of helping others feel more comfortable. Find someone who is standing alone and start talking to them.

This works well for me. Several years ago I took on a weekly task that required me to actually assume the role of helping others feel more comfortable. I found it much easier to be outgoing in that situation. Now I pretend that's my role at any social gathering.
posted by diogenes at 6:01 PM on April 21

if you like the idea of the world not stopping on it's axis, what helps with me when I am worried about how an event will go is saying to myself something along the lines of; 'whatever happens tonight, whatever people think of me, whatever I do/say/don't do/don't say - tomorrow the sun will come up all the same as it always does'
Somehow that gets me through, just knowing that, whatever happens, they'll be a tomorrow to deal with, and hopefully then whatever happens tonight will be done with.

Also, whats helped me of recent is getting treatment for my depression - not because it's made me less socially anxious (that I can tell) but because I'm happier with myself now, I know that I'm not going to go there and get wound up as easy, or take things personally (which was my big problem with the whole 'dealing with people thing') because, that was a part of my depression and generally irratic overemotional state.
posted by Tingle at 6:31 PM on April 21

Best technique I know for social anxiety is to start to develop a deeper awareness of your body -- study how it actually feels; what it's actually doing.

Any time you feel yourself getting jittery -- stop, breathe in, drop any unnecessary tension you notice... and breathe out.

Breathe in and imagine filling the body up. You can actually fill yourself up with a sense of comfort and pleasure, just from breathing. This will calm you, and the best thing is that you can do it anywhere; anytime.

Keep working at it. Experiment with making your breathing feel easier and more comfortable. Develop a sense of feeling present in your own body as a skill. Pretty soon you'll start to be able to go anywhere and do anything with a really reliable, calm pleasure that comes from within... a sense of well-being that no one can take away from you and that you can replenish infinitely. You will become still and calm. "Centered" as they say. Like a solid oak door. Right now you are like a drafty porch gate flapping around in the wind -- the mere thought of five or six people is enough to shake you. You want to get to a point where not even the actual presence of a thousand people will be able to throw off your attention from that calm and pleasure you can get from simply feeling your body breathing comfortably. That's something you can really ground yourself in, that will always be there to soothe you and be with you. You'll be able to smile knowing that other people will need to depend on drinks, drugs, etc. to calm down, but all you need is your breath.
posted by Theloupgarou at 6:50 PM on April 21 [1 favorite]

This is a little off-beat but it might help:
Before you get ready to go to the party, make a list of absolutely everything that you can think of that could wrong. Include all your worst fears. Be over-the-top to the point of absurdity. For example: You go the bathroom, forget to fasten your belt, you come out and your pants fall down. You bump into a bookshelf, it falls over and squashes the host's cat completely flat. Your little brother shows up at the door, stark naked, asking where you are. When you think you are finished, add three more. For this to work, your list need to be long enough to get the point of ridiculousness - if you stop too soon, it will just leave you more anxious. At the very bottom, write a number 1-10 estimating how fun you think you will have.

When you get home, go through the list and cross out all the ones that didn't happen. Then at the bottom, write down 1-10 how much fun you actually had.

Repeat as needed.

Even if you don't do the list, still estimate (in writing) how much fun you think you are going to have and then write down afterwards how much fun it actually was. From what you said, you tend predict things will much worse than they are - actually doing the rating, in writing, before and after, will help make that real to you.
posted by metahawk at 6:58 PM on April 21

I tell myself that it's OK if I want to leave, and I make sure that I can (i.e., I can take public transportation or have money for a cab and a cab number so that I am not dependent on anyone else.) Somewhat counterintuitively, this makes me feel much more comfortable - I know I won't be trapped if I'm having a bad time, and so I'm able to relax instead of anticipating the potential unhappiness.
posted by ubersturm at 9:24 PM on April 21

I'm not good with big crowds either. Nthing scody's advice, the deep breathing-- and a cup of chamomile tea beforehand.
posted by brujita at 10:49 PM on April 21

I tend to think dealing with crowds is just like any other social skill -- giving speeches, singing karaoke, talking with opposite sexies, etc. You'll be nervous when you're new and bad at it and more confident when you're good at it. Best way to get good at it is practice, practice, practice. Go to MORE parties and social gatherings, go to bars and clubs you would usually avoid, go to sporting events.

Sure, there are tons things that can go wrong (drunk guy/girl hitting on you or getting belligerent, drinking too much yourself, forgetting people's names, running into an ex, etc., etc.) but with experience you'll learn to deal with them effectively. It's like playing a guitar or rock climbing or whatever -- you're gonna suck at it for a while, so you're GOING to be nervous when it comes time to perform. But if you keep at it, you'll get better and in time learn to genuinely enjoy the experience.

But FWIW, the best crutch I know (one that most people never grow out of) is to come with people you know and like. Ask what they're wearing if you need help calibrating your attire; there's zero shame in it. (They aren't sure either.) Drive separately if you think you might want to leave early/late. Finally, don't worry if you only talk with the friends you came with the whole night -- that's what most people do anyhow.
posted by LordSludge at 11:30 AM on April 22

I like to play music that makes me feel kick-ass while I'm getting ready. By the time I leave, I feel all sexy and powerful from bellowing along. That, and I wear shoes that put a little strut in my step.
posted by desuetude at 2:12 PM on April 23

Almost forgot: I often chug cup or two of coffee before I go out. My natural state is pretty low-energy, so I'm generally content to just chill with my friends. A couple cups o' Joe helps put me in a happy mood to be a bit more outgoing, have a great time, and meet some new people.
posted by LordSludge at 2:17 PM on April 23