1-800 help a wimp

March 26, 2009 6:34 AM

OK, this is embarrassing. I allowed an acquaintance to use some equipment and it’s now broken. I found out that he’s not planning on repairing it because he just purchased his own as a replacement. How do I deal with this appropriately?

Background: My hubby became critically ill and did not survive. This guy volunteers to help with things in my hubby’s shop and deal w/ selling off unneeded equipment so I could pay bills. I needed the help since we weren’t prepared for the bad outcome.

I volunteered that the guy may as well use the remaining equipment since he was looking after the place. OK, he wasn’t so good at looking after things and didn’t do required maintenance. Now, an expensive repair is needed. I just found out that he’s gone out and purchased his own piece (not as a replacement for mine) since the repair was going to be so expensive. I am shocked. I would expect that he would repair/replace the broken equipment, but there was no real agreement to that. I’m left with a non-functioning piece of scrap unless it’s repaired.

I need brainstorming help.

Options:
I’m a wimp, so feel that I am probably going to just have to find a way to save enough money to have it repaired on my own. This will take about a year for me. I’m still paying off medical and business bills. This seems easiest since it’s non-confrontational.

Kick the guy out. That seems unfair, for some indefinable reason. I cannot do it – it seems mean. Several other folks have been subtly pointing out to me that he’s taking advantage of on other occasions. (I know this before they make the point, but am somehow thinking that I’m paying him back for all of his help, so I just ignore it.)

Ask him to repair the equipment. He’ll be shocked that I’d say such a thing since he’s done so much to help me out. I know, it’s emotional blackmail, but how do I expect this repayment when this is someone who actually did step up and give me much needed help when I really was at a loss. There was no real formal agreement of any kind.

Other options? (I feel continually inept and sick w/ myself for allowing this to have happened and having such difficulty in dealing with it. It points out that I am still unable to face all the baggage related to losing everything.)

posted by mightshould to human relations (35 comments total)

What, exactly, did he break? How is it broken? What is the equipment's value to you?
posted by jon1270 at 6:39 AM on March 26 [2 favorites]

I think you should pull yourself together, get an estimate of the repairs, and send him an invoice for that amount. If he doesn't pay, kick him out and take the money out of the damage deposit.

Another option: Increase his rent to the point that the repairs are paid off within a few months. Rather passive aggressive, but if he doesn't like it he can leave.
posted by lizbunny at 6:45 AM on March 26 [1 favorite]

If you can prove (reasonably) that he is the cause, then you should try small claims court... and kick the guy out.
posted by tdreyer at 6:46 AM on March 26

Wow, I'm really sorry for your loss. It seems as if you are going through a lot of things right now and the emotional backlash is probably exhausting. On the surface of your question, it seems pretty clear to me that this person owes you either a new piece of equipment or at least the funds for repair. For this person to damage yours and then buy a new one for himself seems extremely self-centered of him.

However, there are not a lot of details in your question. So I am unable to parse whether there are any extenuating circumstances. Regardless, this guy sounds like an ass. Anyone who mooches off of/takes advantage of someone who has lost their spouse is an immense dick. You should not feel bad about confronting this person. He obviously does not feel bad about taking advantage of you.
posted by anansi at 6:46 AM on March 26

I would think it depends on the nature of the damage. Is it due to his negligence, or just a routine failure? Sometimes machines just break, and it's not necessarily the fault of the operator. If the former, then he has a moral obligation to pay for it, but you're in a difficult situation since you two hadn't discussed this contingency before hand. If the latter, then it would be fair to ask him to pay for some of the repairs, but not all of them.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 6:56 AM on March 26 [1 favorite]

Seconding anansi. I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by Maisie at 6:58 AM on March 26

Maybe I am misinterpreting what you said, but what would bother me most, is that he didn't tell you he broke the equipment. That seems really disrespectful and backhanded. You've got enough to deal with --

It's true he's helping you out, but he's also getting to use the stuff, which is to his benefit.

. . . and as for helping out, well, that's his choice, and if he's truly there to help out, then it shouldn't cost you, emotionally or monetarily.
posted by nnk at 7:05 AM on March 26

So, my point is - if he's not really helping, tell him you no longer need his help, change the locks and hire an auction company etc. to help you sell the stuff.
posted by nnk at 7:12 AM on March 26 [1 favorite]

He broke something expensive and then bought himself a replacement to use instead of getting it fixed and didn't even tell you? He's using you. Tell him he either needs to fix/repair what he broke or hit the bricks and get the heck out. You don't need the extra hassle that he's bringing you.

Sorry for your loss.
posted by fenriq at 7:26 AM on March 26 [5 favorites]

What ever you need him to do it sounds like you don't feel able to deal with this. Can you ask a friend or relative to help you handle the situation and do any confronting for you?
posted by freya_lamb at 7:31 AM on March 26

Wow.

What nnk said. Change the locks and dismiss him. Whether you are legally able to "sezie" the new equipment he bought someone else can answer, but restricting his access to it for the time being would certainly put you in a stronger bargaining position. From the details you give I think this situation is well beyond the "sit down and have a chat" stage - you need to firmly lay down the law to him because he is trampling all over you.
posted by fire&wings at 7:33 AM on March 26

When you say 'shop' - do you mean workshop (place with tools etc.) where a hobby is performed or a retail store type of shop that is a place of business ?
posted by Xhris at 7:39 AM on March 26

If your issue is confrontation, can you get a wing man to help you?
posted by plinth at 7:53 AM on March 26

You need to tell every last one of your friends and family exactly what happened and ask them to help you deal with this guy on the ground. They can be mean even if you can't.

I am sorry to say that I've had reason to learn that a person reeling from the illness and death of someone precious to them looks like ripe fruit to a certain kind of person -- and it's not always a straight con artist, either. It's the sort of person who is awfully good at self-justification, who thinks that because he or she is "helping" that it's ok to cut corners, which with enough time and lack of oversight becomes really unjustifiable behavior. In his mind, perhaps his volunteer labor and little odd jobs for you is worth the price of the equipment he broke or more. But work for compensation is not volunteer, it's being an employee. When you offer to help someone in a bad way, it's not supposed to be for personal benefit.

Please don't waste more time feeling inept and sick. You had to survive a terrible unexpected loss and you should be proud for doing so, and be kind to yourself. Let the people who love and care about you help you extricate yourself from this situation and find someone to employ who can run or shutter the shop. It's not mean to look after your own self-interest, and if you keep thinking that way, you will be vulnerable to more of the same kind of treatment. I'm very sorry you have been taken advantage of during a vulnerable time, and also for your loss.
posted by melissa may at 7:56 AM on March 26 [7 favorites]

I like the idea of a trusted friend or family member as a wingman (wingperson?) or as the person who speaks for you.

Failing that, less confrontational to spell things out in a letter sent registered, received-receipt. With that option, seems wise to concisely, clearly, politely make your points, relate what you see as a satisfactory resolution and ask him to contact you at his earliest convenience to discuss when and how the matter will be resolved.

If the response in a reasonable time is zero or "tough toads, tootsie pop," you've given him the opportunity to fix what conceivably could be a misunderstanding (though it doesn't sound like it) or play it off as such and do the right thing. At that point, hell yeah change the locks.

If it appears that things might get at all contentious, might not hurt to talk to police, conceivably a lawyer about various rights you and the person have.
posted by ambient2 at 8:20 AM on March 26

This guy is taking advantage of a widow. Even Jesus got pissed about this kind of behavior.

See if you have a friend who is a lawyer, or a friend of a friend, who might be willing to help you out on this one. It may be that a strongly-worded letter from an attorney is all he needs to wake up to what he's doing.

I am so sorry for your loss. All the best to you.
posted by 4ster at 8:28 AM on March 26

You have 3 options -

1 - to ask him to compensate you because that's the right thing to do
2 - to demand him to via legal notification
3 - to walk away from it and chalk it down to karma.
posted by watercarrier at 8:43 AM on March 26

"he's...purchased his own piece... since the repair was going to be so expensive."

I agree you should kick the guy out... but I can't vote on the repair/cost/asking for money side of things because I'm a little confused. Does a new machine costs less than repairing an existing one? If you have to save for a year to repair the current machine, is its re-sale value worthwhile?

(I'm genuinely asking for clarification, not trying to insinuate this is a small concern.)
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:52 AM on March 26

Have you give this person access to any other items of value? He seems to feel entitled. I would be very concerned that he will eventually decide to walk away with more of your husband's equipment. Then you might have an even bigger loss or problem to deal with.

I would not give him an opportunity to even consider doing that. I would have the locks changed immediately and not allow him inside to retrieve anything, even his personal items, until he agrees to pay for the broken equipment and you have a well written agreement about the further use of any equipment.

Also, we may be able to advise you better if you tell us what kind of equipment is involved.
posted by 14580 at 9:05 AM on March 26

Thanks to all. Clarifications:
The business is now closed and a few pieces of equipment remain. The broken equipment was an older industrial size air compressor that I was keeping for personal use. I know if failed because of his use, per his comments. Cost to repair is about $1000.00 US.

Everything he was doing was volunteer in exchange for use of the premises and for storage of his things plus he's sortof started running an informal/part time business out of the building. He's been keeping an eye on the property for the last two years. It's become an "established" way of doing things. Seems the foot-in-the-door has become the whole kit 'n caboodle. It's very comfortable for him, I know. And, I'm taking forever to get over my loss.

melissa may has probably described his attitude just right.

I have no family or friends who can assist in dealing with this. We were not well-established here as we had not been here too long. I'm really embarrassed that I've let myself get into this situation.

I guess confrontation is my issue. You guys have nailed it pretty well. Plus, I feel that I somehow owe this guy since he did step up to help when things were really desparate.
posted by mightshould at 9:07 AM on March 26

Gosh I am sorry for your loss but no, you don't owe him. Maybe you could pay for the repairs by giving him a bill for back rent? I'm with those that say change the locks and then ask him to pay for the repair or give you the replacement machine. He is very obviously taking advantage of you (probably not in a malicious way, but still, he just cost you $1,000. He has been running a business rent-free using equipment you own. Are you getting a fair cut of his profit? What you describe, helping you sell off excess equipment, is something friends do for free for the recently widowed, they down hang around like vultures picking the last flesh from your bones cawing "more! more!"
posted by saucysault at 9:20 AM on March 26

Let your friends and family know anyway -- the people who care about you might have other ways of helping and somebody with your best interests in mind should be aware of what's happening. Also, your embarrassment is protecting him, seriously, because it's making you feel like this is somehow you're fault. It's not. We all need help sometimes. The problem is this help has morphed into a permanent arrangement to his benefit and your detriment.

Your additional description makes it clear that you need to call your lawyer. Even if you don't think you want to take any steps right now, you need to know exactly what your liabilities are in this situation, and some hard-nosed advice about the best way to disentangle this guy from your life. I'm really sorry you are so isolated right now -- please try to reach out to some people in your community because connection and friendship will help you strengthen your resolve to protect your interests. Take care of yourself -- you are your first priority.
posted by melissa may at 9:36 AM on March 26

I don't believe you owe him anything. He is getting free storage, and a place to run a business rent free. I don't know what part of the country/world you are in, but after two years, I'd say he owes you money for rent and storage.

Listen, don't be embarrassed about not confronting him. He's probably really pleasant, "hey I'm just trying to help you out" kind of guy. If you start laying down the law, I guarantee he's going to be shocked and dismayed with you. I swear, some people are born knowing how to con others.

Don't fall for it. He knows exactly how to play people, and he's been doing it to you for awhile. Here's what you need to do - Look at the situation as if you were watching a television program or reading a book. Take yourself out of the equation and treat it as if you were listening to a story about a total stranger. What would you advise that person to do?

If you do decide speak to him (don't use the word confront, I hate that word!), set up a time to have coffee, make sure it's in a public place - away from your property that he's been squatting in. Practice what you are going to say, before you meet. It can be as simple as:

"The informal arrangement we've made is no longer working for me. So, as of right now you need to vacate the premises. I've changed the locks, so if you have any personal belongings describe them to me and I'll arrange to have them sent to you within 24 hours".

He will be shocked, he will call you ungrateful, he will probably get ugly and belligerent. He's going to be losing his free ride, of course he is upset! Remain calm, and let him wind down. Then repeat what you said. If he does get threatning, call the police.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You have gone through a terrible, unexpected loss and this person has taken advantage of that. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he does.
posted by lootie777 at 9:44 AM on March 26

FWIW, if your personal need for an air compressor is for pumping tires and the like, you can get one that'll do fine for $100, and you can put it on a shelf instead of devoting a large area to it.

It sounds, to me, like you're not sure whether the equipment should be put to use, or if it's a bunch of large, heavy keepsakes. If it's going to be used then sometimes it's going to need repair.

Industrial air compressors are very difficult to break by simply using them. Unless he's been running it for many hours a day for months on end, it's very unlikely that he broke it so much as happened to be using it when it failed. The only scenario I can think of that would put significant blame on him would be if he let it run low on oil so that the pump seized, and even that would only happen if the pump were already leaking oil, which would indicate his fault is only partial.

Furthermore, if he didn't realize that you had a sentimental attachment to the equipment, and if he further didn't realize that you had a practical use for the equipment, it seems plausible that he wouldn't judge the failure as being as important an event as you did.

It sounds as if you may have had enough "help" from this guy, and you're perfectly within your rights to tell him he needs to find his own shop, but I don't see any need to make him out as a bad guy.
posted by jon1270 at 9:51 AM on March 26 [1 favorite]

Maybe you can take a different tack and come at this from another direction. Circumstances for you have changed and you'd like something different to happen now. "Hey freeloader guy, thanks for all your help but things have changed and I need to take over control of all this now. I know this may seem sudden to you but I need you out of here in 30 days. If you need help, I have some friends who can help move your stuff out to a storage unit or whatever." He may protest or get angry, be firm. Thank him for his help but, so sorry, things have changed. Repeat as necessary.

You should change the locks immediately -- it's your property and he's welcome to it but only when you are around. You may need to walk with him through the unit (have a friend or relative there just to keep the peace and give you strength - two years and you don't have friends? People like to help people, they really do. Just reach out.) and label what is his and what is yours. This will make it very clear to you both what is expected.

Heck, blame the economy if you want, you need the space, you need rent for it and the equipment needs to be maintained or else it loses all its value. My gut here is that the air compressor is just going to be a loss. It sounds like disentangling yourself from this situation is more important.

I'm so very sorry for your loss -- it must have been devastating. Take care of yourself.
posted by amanda at 9:55 AM on March 26

First off:

From what I read it sounds like he is using you for free rent, equipment, etc. How is he exactly helping here? It sounds like he is helping himself! The reason I say this is because he used your compressor, broke it, and did not help replace or repair it. Then he went out and bought his own. If he has money for compressors then he can have money to actually help you out.

OR

Have you talked to him about the air compressor? If so did he just shrug it off as your problem not mine?

One thing is certain you are nearly the end of your rope. You are not happy with the situation and things have to change. If I were you I would have him leave. There is no way things can be pleasant after you tell him to replace it, pay rent, whatever. If he is how he sounds then he will be a tenant does not give a F@#K about your property. He has to go. Meet in a public place and tell him like suggested above. If he starts problems get the police involved. Also I would have several other people around when he clears his crap out of your business.

Also I am sorry about your loss

Lastly do not call yourself a wimp. The meek shall inherit the world after all.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 10:09 AM on March 26 [2 favorites]

it's very unlikely that he broke it so much as happened to be using it when it failed

If I lent a friend my car for two years for free and then they gave it back to me with $1000 worth of repairs to make it useable I'd feel taken advantaged of. I think two years of free use for a business he was making money from makes the repairs his responsibility. Maybe mightshould would have gotten two extra years of use of it if he hadn't broken it. Didn't we have a similar thread about broken borrowed bongs? You break it, you buy it.

mightshould, you are stronger than you think you are - I am sure you would be a wolf to protect your husband; he'll be standing with you and proud of you as you protect yourself.
posted by saucysault at 10:22 AM on March 26 [1 favorite]

Look, it sounds like you've had enough and just want a way to exit this situation. Forget about the air compressor - seriously. The question of if he broke it or it simply failed on his watch it probably unanswerable. Take it as a $1,000 sign from above that this situation needs to end.

Tell him "Dave, I'm grateful for the help you've given me in the last two years, but I'm ready to make some changes now. I'm going to be using the building as of April 15th, so that should be enough time for you to re-locate."

There really isn't a need or a benefit to being confrontational about it. It's your property, and you should feel perfectly comfortable taking back possession of it.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:28 AM on March 26

I know that lawyers can sometimes be expensive, but you might want to consider getting one to talk with this guy on your behalf, especially if you don't feel comfortable doing it yourself and you have no one else to turn to. He or she could also write up some kind of fair agreement if you decide you want to allow this guy to continue using your property and equipment.

I'm concerned that as the landlord, even though you're not being paid anything, you could somehow get sued for something that your tenant did. For example, he or one of his customers could get hurt on your property, or he might do some environmental harm that you could end up being responsible for someday.
posted by 14580 at 10:31 AM on March 26

It seems perhaps you are focusing on a relatively small issue of principle (it doesn't seem like you need this piece of equipment otherwise you would be stressing how to get it repaired immediately) when you need to be focusing on closing out a relationship that may have made sense when it started but is now definitely parasitical. What's the deal with this building? Are you keeping it for a reason? Could it be sold? Could you get a paying tenant for it? Does it really need someone "keeping an eye on it?" Sure, the economy is bad but are you exploring these options? Just putting it on the market and deciding you need to sell off the rest of the equipment seems like a good premise to tell him he is going to need to figure out how to run his business on his own dime now. It seems like what he's got now is free rent and free use of equipment he isn't taking care of. There is no way in hell this is worth less than it would cost to secure this building.
posted by nanojath at 10:46 AM on March 26 [1 favorite]

I have to agree with jon1270. He's behaving badly, but he's not necessarily evil, maybe just kind of oblivious and self-centered. I can easily believe that he's simply blind to the fact that he is being a drain on you. He probably assumes that your silence so far has meant you are OK with the situation as it stands.

Quietly letting him use the space for two years and then suddenly changing the locks and giving him a "see you in hell" letter from a lawyer seems pretty rude on your part, and it will guarantee that you part in bad blood. It sounds like you don't want that if you can avoid it. So try just asking him to leave: you can be firm and definite without being all "Get the fuck off my property, you leech!" If he tries to avoid your request(s), or talk you into something you don't want, then go ahead and throw the book at him; but there's no need to take desperate measures just yet.
posted by Commander Rachek at 10:51 AM on March 26

I'd say "I just wanted to let you know, I've decided to rent this place because I need money for repairs and maintenance on equipment. Since you've been helping me out so long I figured I'd give you first dibs".
posted by syntheticfaith at 11:53 AM on March 26

Everyone here is so kind in giving me feedback. That’s making me feel better about how to deal w/ this and see that the broken equipment isn’t as much an issue as using this as push to get the bigger situation resolved. I also hadn’t considered my potential legal liability in case of injury. I'd be very glad to hear of other issues I'm not considering.

I don’t really want to give him the boot without a reasonable amount of time; but he clearly admitted that he had not been changing the oil and had been using it heavily for extended periods of time.

I’ll have to chalk the expense of repair as my bad karma/good fortune of learning at the school of hard knocks. I will have to get it repaired so I will be able to run the rest of the tools I need.

So: I can tell him that obviously, it’s become too much of a burden for him to look out for my place/stuff, so he can stay for the “x” amount of time while looking for another place to keep his stuff, and I’ll be looking out for my place from there on out. (Who knows, maybe I will be able to move there before too long.) It’s rural/agricultural property and we had started on our first house, which is on hold. I will consider continuing that as another reason to give him notice.
posted by mightshould at 1:42 PM on March 26

So: I can tell him that obviously, it’s become too much of a burden for him to look out for my place/stuff, so he can stay for the “x” amount of time while looking for another place to keep his stuff, and I’ll be looking out for my place from there on out.

Whatever you do, make sure it's in writing.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:21 PM on March 26 [1 favorite]

And, I'm taking forever to get over my loss.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone grieves on their own timeline. And the idea of "getting over" death is perhaps misplaced. The hurt will subside and you will be able to move on, but I don't think one can, or should "get over" the loss of a loved one.
posted by radioamy at 8:46 PM on March 26 [2 favorites]