How should I deal with anxiety about performing oral sex?

March 17, 2009 10:38 PM

How should I deal with anxiety about performing oral sex? So, the question itself is pretty simple and similar questions have been asked before, but in my case it involves my own neuroses and history. Some of it is sad, some is gross, and some might be funny.

For as long as I can remember, I have had issues with eating. To put it simply, I just don't like most food. I don't mean like 50% of potential meals. Of the foods that I have encountered, I have probably strongly disliked well over 90%. This also isn't just a bad taste in my mouth. When I eat something that I really dislike, I often gag. If I keep eating, I often vomit. I have been told that my abnormally strong gag reflex was even present when I was a baby. This is one of the major problems in my life and has caused much embarrassment and discomfort. I don't know why I hate foods so much, but part of it is probably the fact that I had severe (deadly) food allergies as a baby and young child. So, that's one part of the whole mess.
There's also the sexual component. I know that it's common for (inexperienced) people to be anxious about their sexual performance. I'm an anxious person. I'm being treated for that. Still, there is some foundation for my sexual fears. They go back several years to a time when I experimented sexually with my best friend. I was horny, curious, and very close to him and we tried some gay stuff together. I'm not ashamed of doing gay things, but I'm somewhat ashamed of how bad I was at them. Basically, it was an epic fail. If I had been as bad at straight sex, I would assume that I was gay. The relevant point in all of this is that during one of my attempts at giving a blowjob, my friend came in my mouth. I immediately threw up a bunch. Fortunately, I didn't vomit on him or his things, but it was pretty unpleasant for both of us. I think it was the texture that got me.
Now, I'm hoping that at some point in my life I have sex with a woman. I assume she would want me to perform cunnilingus. I have even spent quite a while fantasizing (someone vaguely) about eating out, but my past experience and present neuroses make me more than a little anxious about the whole picture. I mean, anything resembling the aforementioned "incident" would probably be extremely embarrassing for all involved and damaging to our relationship. As someone who is easily discouraged, I would like to be as well prepared as possible. This seems to me to be a complex and open-ended problem, with a few psychological, physiological, and social layers to it. Any helpful (or at least non-hurtful) comments would be appreciated.

posted by Blikktheterrible to human relations (33 comments total)

I can't speak for other people, but if my boyfriend never went down on me again, I wouldn't really care. Not that he sucks at it or anything, but to me, being eaten out is overrated. I think he likes it more than I do. There are plenty of things you can do in foreplay that don't require your mouth coming into contact with a vagina.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:51 PM on March 17 [3 favorites]

Well everybody is bad at sex at some points, even after they get much better at it, off nights aren't uncommon at all. The fact that it was your first or an early sexual experience makes it even more common. I wouldn't pin your orientation only on that.

You sound like you want this to occur in a relationship, in which case the woman would almost certainly have heard you speak about your food issues and experienced them while out to eat or cooking together. Then when oral comes up, you can discuss it with her and tell her how important it is that you proceed slowly. She'll know about you and food and will be better able to understand or empathize with you. Stop when you're overwhelmed, calm down, go again. Oral sex doesn't mean you can't also use fingers or toys at the same time, or that she can't take over while you catch your breath.

Don't sweat it, learn to communicate about your issues if you haven't already, and maybe do what you can to learn how you can adjust to new foods and flavors so that you can adjust to oral sex with less stress.
posted by Science! at 10:52 PM on March 17

"Now, I'm hoping that at some point in my life I have sex with a woman. I assume she would want me to perform cunnilingus."

Don't assume this. Although many women enjoy it, there are probably just as many who don't.

Anyhoo, I guess the main point I'd make here is that you don't need to have to like oral sex, be it with a man or a woman. The fact of the matter is as a human being you have the freedom to say no to requests for sexual favours, and if you don't ever want to perform oral sex you don't ever have to.

Now, I get that you want to. You want to be able to satisfy your lovers, whoever he or she may be. But again, remember that not all partners will want to get oral sex and the most respectful ones will respect your wishes not to give it.

Another point I want to make is that it sounds to me as though you may have very sensitive taste buds. I do, and that's why eating many foods with strong flavors such as onion makes me gag. As a straight dude with sensitive taste buds who likes "eating out" as you put it, I'm not sure that you'd ever enjoy giving oral sex to a woman. In my experiences, I've found the flavour to often be quite strong. Fortunately for me this is a flavour I enjoy, so I've not had a problem in 'giving', but seeing as how you say that you strongly dislike 90% of foods you've eaten, and I'd say I'm not anywhere near as picky, the chances are you won't like the taste.

Anyway, at the end of the day, don't stress over this issue. Always remember you have a choice in this matter, and if you simply can't bring yourself to do it you won't ever have to.
posted by Effigy2000 at 10:53 PM on March 17 [3 favorites]

You do not ever have to do anything you do not want to do.
Anyone who gives you shit about it is a dick.
That is all.
posted by phunniemee at 11:04 PM on March 17

When you're dating you'll have to tell the girl about your eating/gagging issues, seperate from any sexual context. When the issue of cunnilingus comes up, you'll have to remind the girl about the issues while assuring her you're eager to please her and willing to try anything. Then you'll have to try, assuming she wants you to for her pleasure.

If it goes well, then you've got no problem. If you gag, etc, then it may not be something you and she can do with each other. Some women would be fine with this, some would not. The ones who are not fine with it are simply not for you.

Everyone takes some issues into a relationship. The great, lasting relationships are the ones where the issues aren't "issues". No matter how odd or atypical you are, there's someone who will love you and accept you anyway. Don't be too worried about freaking a few people out along the way - those people aren't the ones you're looking for, so it doesn't really matter in the long run if you gag and they run away.
posted by chudmonkey at 11:13 PM on March 17

One option might be to use a dental dam, basically a layer of latex between your mouth and her. You won't taste anything but latex. I'm not sure what it's like to use one, though; I never have.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:19 PM on March 17 [1 favorite]

I've had a guy just dive in, and wow, that can be really uncomfortable!

But a guy that was tentative, and took it slow, even if he couldn't do it for long? Nice.
posted by Monday at 11:21 PM on March 17

Addendum: being easily discouraged and dealing with anxiety don't often go hand in hand. We master our anxieties by facing them, sometimes repeatedly, until we have found a way to be comfortable where once we were anxious. I don't mean to be hurtful, but given what you've said, I would fully expect your first try going down on a woman to be objectively unsuccessful. If you allow your first bad experience to scare you off, you'll always be scared. When you find the right partner, you'll also find the freedom to try and fail until you can try and succeed.
posted by chudmonkey at 11:23 PM on March 17

The fact that you're open to the idea of performing cunnilingus, and that you actually fantasize about it, already puts you miles ahead of tons of guys who just say "Hmm, seems gross, I won't try it." You're open-minded and concerned with your partner's pleasure. Those are attributes that lots of women would love to find in a guy.

There are also a lot of women for whom it just isn't a big deal, and some who experience just as much anxiety about receiving oral as you feel about giving it. It doesn't have to be a deal-breaker.

(Also, this is completely anecdotal, but I've been performing oral on guys for 5 years, and I still come close to vomiting every time. I've been going down on women for just over a year, and I had a little gagging problem at first, but overall I've found the taste to be much less of a problem. YMMV based on a number of factors, of course, but failure at one does not necessarily mean you will hate the other.)
posted by Girl Scout of Death at 11:52 PM on March 17 [1 favorite]

I would say cleanliness would be very helpful. The taste can be strong, and gag~producing, but if the area is washed clean, with soap where possible (some women don't like to put soap inside themselves, some don't mind), to get rid of the strongest odor/taste. And I'd also keep your tongue on the clit area, rather than back further into the opening, as it is more easily cleaned.

You've already been told that your partner should be made aware of your sensitivity. Remember, she could also be traumatized by someone throwing up after eating her out. Communication will help on both parts.
posted by davoid at 12:13 AM on March 18

Also, eating celery every day makes your man~juices, pre~cum and cum, taste a lot better. It may work for feminine juices as well, definitely worth a try, when you get a partner who you're planning to go the full route with.

Flavored lube is also an option, although I've never used it myself.

Good luck. There's NOTHING like giving that pleasure to a woman, feeling her buck with your face in her crotch.
posted by davoid at 12:28 AM on March 18

I think that you should put as much effort as you can into learning to care for and appreciate yourself as possible. When sex is at its best it is not a source for problems but an escape for them. To succeed, focus on what you like done to you and adapt to your partner. It is no more difficult than this.

What's hard is learning to trust and like yourself. Wheb you have that, you van work through the issues.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:48 AM on March 18

I can't speak for other people, but if my boyfriend never went down on me again, I wouldn't really care. Not that he sucks at it or anything, but to me, being eaten out is overrated.

Yes...absolutely...it's overrated. Guys like to do this -some because it turns them on (which is the hot part) and some because they feel obligated (mostly because they want a blow job too). Do or do not - it's not a big deal. Yes, it's demoralizing when guys treat our pussies like bombs that are about to go off - but you're definitely not required to chow down. Do what you like, whatever it is that turns you on your partner is likely to find it hot too.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:19 AM on March 18

Yes...absolutely...it's overrated.

I couldn't disagree more. I've never known a woman who didn't love it, demand it, and see it as a deal breaker in their intimate relationships.

You definitely need to be up front about your gag reflex with anyone you're going to get close to, so they don't take it personally. But have you ever seen a doctor about this? There might be some exercises or something that would help you out.

Also, re: your gay sex experimentation - gagging or vomiting after the first time someone blows a wad in your mouth is not indicative of you having a problem. Your reaction was not uncommon for a first timer. Also if part of your gag reflex sensitivity is due to foreign object contact with your uvula, you don't really need to worry about that with cunnilingus the way you do with blow jobs.
posted by zarah at 2:11 AM on March 18

I think you're putting the cart ahead of the horse.

When you find a woman that is reasonably attracted to you, she'll be OK with you not going down on her, the same way, I imagine you'll be OK with her not being interested in going down on you, if that's the case. Generally, people are attracted to the person, rather than particular sexual acts that a person is willing to do.
posted by ignignokt at 2:22 AM on March 18 [2 favorites]

I couldn't disagree more. I've never known a woman who didn't love it, demand it, and see it as a deal breaker in their intimate relationships.

Well that's not true, because you just read the comments of and replied to several women who don't love and demand it. It's clearly not a dealbreaker for many people.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 3:58 AM on March 18

Don't worry about it.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:03 AM on March 18

Cunnilingus is physically, far far easier than fellatio.

You won't have anything hitting the back of your throat, nor will any liquids gush suddenly into your throat in quantities that would make you choke (unless you're interested in significantly kinkier pursuits :P).
You just lick, and suck, and it's all in the very front of your mouth, just like licking the front of a lollypop or sucking on a sweet - for most girls, you're concentrating on the clitoris, which, freshly showered, should be pretty much tasting like just clean skin.
If you head south a bit, the taste depends on the girl - some lemony, some chicken soup like. Point is, you don't *have* to head south at all for cunnilingus.

Seriously, it's about 10-fold easier than going down on a guy, so don't worry too much!
Worst comes to worst - get creative with fingers & vibrators, or see if she just prefers plain ol' penetration.

(Also, all those people saying you do or don't have to worry about it, that doesn't seem very helpful. Some girls really, really *do* like it, and some have trouble getting off without it. It's not something that would really come up during early courtship, and would you really want to have to dump a partner at that stage of infatuation over something if it can be worked around? Fortunately - I think it really really can in your situation. :) )
posted by Elysum at 4:47 AM on March 18

There's a big difference here, between you and some other men who don't give oral sex.

"Eww. All women are stinky and icky." Yeah, this is not great.

"I have a condition which makes this impossible." Yeah, that's totally understandable.

So, your first time might be ok and might not. It's the reason that is important: If it doesn't work out, it's because of a condition not because she's gross.
posted by Houstonian at 4:55 AM on March 18 [1 favorite]

If the latex of a dental dam bothers you, too, and you're really committed to giving oral, try to find another thin material (silk, maybe?) that isn't latex stinky and also won't bother her skin that you could use as a barrier. It won't be perfect at blocking the taste (and it WILL NOT be a barrier to STDs the way a latex dental dam would), but it might be just enough to keep you from upchucking.

(I've never tried this; you'll want to experiment.)
posted by ocherdraco at 5:22 AM on March 18

I couldn't disagree more. I've never known a woman who didn't love it, demand it, and see it as a deal breaker in their intimate relationships.

How can you disagree with a fact? I'm a woman who doesn't love it, demand it, and I don't see it as a deal breaker in my intimate relationships. I have also spoken with friends who have said the same thing.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:15 AM on March 18

Semen is pretty gross if you're not used to it! It seems like that reaction you had, and possibly the one your partner had, made you think that sex is all about performing well for your partner.

Porn and tv sex scenes make sex look so serious all the time, but it doesn't have to be like that. Sex involves feats of physical coordination that people can't always complete, and if you're in a situation where you feel comfortable, you should be able to laugh about sex mishaps instead of feeling embarrassed.

I think the key is to find someone with whom you're compatible on many levels. If you really want to eat pussy, which is an admirable intention, find someone who can work with you slowly and positively. Maybe she'll happen to make a great girlfriend at the same time.
posted by hpliferaft at 6:23 AM on March 18 [1 favorite]

Talk to the individual women you end up with about it.

No, really. A gazillion women could tell you that it doesn't matter to them. I could tell you that it would be a deal breaker for me (oral sex? Overrated? Pshaw. Not rated highly enough. It's awesome!). But this is clearly an individual preference, of which you need to talk to the individuals involved about it, preferably before you get into a sexual situation with them. Then, take things slowly. Acclimate yourself slowly. Treat this like any other phobia. You might even consider talking to your therapist about it to see if he or she has any advice.

Oh, and don't use flavored lube or have her put soap IN her vagina unless you want her to get a disgusting yeast infection. That'll make things really unappetizing.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:24 AM on March 18

Well, this back and forth stuff about "your partner will understand" and "it's a deal~breaker" shows a lack of depth, IMHO. The truth is, everyone's different!

I've been with women for whom it is the ONLY way they can get off, they are not really interested in penetration or fingers, tongues are the only way to make it happen for them. They are not likely to be all that understanding of your challenge, if you are unable to overcome it. And then there are women who either don't care a fig about it, or are repulsed by it. They will be understanding. And then there are all shades in between.

If you want to do this, and it sounds like you really do (which is admirable, to want to please your partner to the point of breaking through gagging), then keep trying, try everything suggested above. hpliferaft had a great suggestion which I'd give a hearty second to: find someone who can work with you slowly and positively. I'd bet if you told your story in a "casual encounters" post on craigslist, and asked for a woman to help you with this, you'd find some lonely woman who's interested enough in helping you AND getting orally pleasured. And, as previously stated, who knows, maybe she'll happen to make a great girlfriend at the same time.
posted by davoid at 7:43 AM on March 18

Ditto that oral sex is not a big deal for me. When I was younger, I thought it was really important because of Cosmo magazine and SATC and equal rights in bed and how dare he expect a blowjob without giving to me in return, etc; this is especially popular conversation among women. Now, it's the effort/attempt/willingness that matters to me most -- it makes me feel like a guy is interested in me and my whole body as opposed to a really lifelike pocket-pussy.

I vommed the first time I gave a blowjob, too, from the taste, texture, and the direct hit with my uvula. I've never been with another girl, but I think that, in contrast with semen, with a girl it's more about smell than taste. So get in the area without actually going in all the way and get an idea of what she smells like.

For your first time, try catching her right out of the shower. I'd advise against going for it at the end of a long, sweaty day.
posted by thebazilist at 7:47 AM on March 18

I will also second all the reassurances above. If a new partner matter-of-factly explained this issue to me as you did here, I would think, "Score! Mature, open dude who is concerned with my pleasure."

Also, two words: Saran Wrap. Absolutely flavorless (unlike latex) and thin enough not to diminish sensation. Could, if desired, be a starting point for working up to barrier-free fun.
posted by messica at 7:55 AM on March 18

Any woman who's worthy of your mouth on her vulva will be understanding of your apprehension and appreciative of your efforts to overcome it, and will work with you on this. It will take some time and honesty and awkwardness, but the truth is a lot of sex is awkward.

Considering that your anxiety stems from a strong gag reflex and strong reactions to foods, she'll probably figure out pretty quickly that it's not anything the matter with her.

And the truth is that sexual compatibility between two partners is so much more than comparing laundry lists of what each person is into or willing/unwilling to do and seeing if all the checkmarks line up. Communication, openness, and just plain liking the person you're getting naked with are far more important.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:12 AM on March 18

Nthing that it's a lot less intimidating than fellatio. A LOT. You have a lot more flexibility regarding how much of what is in your mouth. (Also, women taste nothing like semen, and the texture is quite different.)

Try to manage your anxiety about it. Relax and don't push it. Being unequivocally uninterested in ever wanting to try, or fundamentally disgusted...that would be a huge problem. Being inexperienced and nervous but tentatively hopeful...whole 'nother story.

I would say cleanliness would be very helpful. The taste can be strong, and gag~producing, but if the area is washed clean, with soap where possible (some women don't like to put soap inside themselves, some don't mind), to get rid of the strongest odor/taste

The odor is somewhat distinctive, but not foul. Woman producing a "gag-inducing" odor should go get checked for a bacterial infection. No, she should not use soap on her inner girlybits, unless she wants a very unsexy yeast infection.
posted by desuetude at 9:18 AM on March 18

I don't think it's overrated. at all. But I do think you're getting ahead of yourself. Worry more about how you'll feel about kissing, and the taste of a girl's mouth. As with other phobias, you can desensitize yourself to the mental component of the dislike. You may learn that the turn-on of pleasing your partner is a great incentive.
posted by theora55 at 9:50 AM on March 18

Well, this back and forth stuff about "your partner will understand" and "it's a deal~breaker" shows a lack of depth, IMHO. The truth is, everyone's different!

Exactly. The comments about it being over-rated, starting with the first one (which got the thread out on the wrong foot), are useless. Some women can do with out it, some couldn't get off without it. Comments about how to prepare, what to expect, etc. are useful. Telling us that YOU do not enjoy it are worthless.

You do not ever have to do anything you do not want to do.
Anyone who gives you shit about it is a dick.
That is all.
posted by phunniemee

What thread are you reading? There's no one forcing him to do anything, he wants to be good at it, and he's fantasized about it.

Read slooooooower.
posted by Dennis Murphy at 10:27 AM on March 18

Some chicks are really into it and your gagging is going to be a dealbreaker. Some chicks really don't get off from it/aren't into it and won't be fazed. If you date the first sort, you won't be dating them for long. Date the other sort.

Really, what else can you say?
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:22 AM on March 18

My current partner is a bit of a clean-freak and only goes down on me after I've just showered. We've never talked about it, and it's never been a sticking point and I really don't mind having it be a "special treat." It's just how it is.

Talk to any ladies whose vulvas you may be licking about this. I know, for me, I would rather have a partner take it slow and maybe back out of oral sex than make himself sick! Not just because vomit isn't sex, but because the last thing I want to do is to make someone nauseous with my vag! It's really not necessary. There are many other awesome things to do with girly bits that don't involve making anyone sick.

You can "sniff around" the vulva without sticking your face straight in and decide if you can handle it. Little kisses around the inner thighs are incredibly sexy anyhow, even if they don't lead to oral sex.

Also: for the taste, I've always thought it tastes a bit like some kind of peach flavored salad-dressing. Famously, MetaFilter has described lady bits as tasting like a 9V battery. I guess you could warm up by licking batteries to see if the taste is something you can handle.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:02 PM on March 18

Many women find oral sex awesome and would be sad if it wasn't an option in their relationship. Chances are you'll probably connect with at least one woman in your life for whom that's the case.

However, having experienced dental dam and Saran Wrap-y oral sex from both sides of the barrier, I can say that it can be pretty hot while still being "safer sex" both from an infectious-disease standpoint and the standpoint of a supertaster like it sounds you are. Saran Wrap, especially, is a pretty unnoticeable barrier.

Have you read much about supertasting? I would recommend looking into it. It might make you feel like less of a freak.

I can promise you that, if someone had said to me, "Would you mind if I used a barrier for oral sex?" and I knew they were a supertaster with a really strong gag reflex, I would thank them for their consideration, not think they were a jerk.


Things that are generally a Bad Idea for women to put in their ladybits: a) soap; b) flavored lubes.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:33 PM on March 18