Let's get physical, but not that kind of physical...

March 14, 2009 6:19 AM

I've just left a relationship in which I was having great sex, but not experiencing enough non-sexual physical affection from my partner. It really made me aware of how much I need physical contact such as hugs, and knowing that there's a living body near me. How can I get more of that feeling of physical affection without actually hooking up with someone?

Independent of specifically missing the good things about my ex, I'm also aware that I'm going to miss the warmth, skin, pulse and general "livingness" that you feel from a lover.

I'm not planning on hooking up with anyone for a while. However, I know that this longing for contact is one of the things that has previously led me to have casual hookups before I was ready for anything sexual. This time around I'd really like to avoid that situation.

I have an amazing flatmate who by nature is a great hugger, so I'm not totally bereft of hugs when I need them, and I have hug generous friends. But there's an extra sustained living presence that you can't get from hugs alone.

At this point I can't afford to pay for massages and we aren't allowed pets in our apartment, otherwise I'd consider getting a cat for lap sitting happy times.

Any suggestions? Or do I just need to be reminded that this is part and parcel of being single and learn to deal with it?

posted by pipstar to human relations (27 comments total)

Or do I just need to be reminded that this is part and parcel of being single and learn to deal with it?

I've been single for a few years, and almost all of my friends are made uncomfortable by hugs. You are already ahead of a lot of people.
posted by TypographicalError at 6:22 AM on March 14, 2009

Someone's going to mention Cuddle Parties, so I'll just get it out of the way. Personally I wouldn't go near one, but...
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:29 AM on March 14, 2009

At one point while I was single, I traded back massages with a friend of mine.
Having a pet could mitigate some of the touch-withdrawal issues, but you've mentioned living someplace that doesn't allow pets. Do you have friends with pets? Offer to cat sit or take a dog for a walk.
posted by sciencegeek at 6:38 AM on March 14, 2009

"Touchy, touchy!"

"Toucha-toucha-toucha touch me"

"How can a somewhat solitary guy meet a need for hugs and human contact?"

"Reach out and touch me."
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:48 AM on March 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

and we aren't allowed pets in our apartment

Personally, I've always just blatantly ignored this. I've certainly had a cat where cats are not allowed and as long as you don't end up with a yoodler, it should be discreet. A pet will make a huge amount of difference. My husband is gone for a month at a time and isn't a huge cuddler anyway; the dog and I are surgically attached at this point.

If this really, really isn't a possibility, then the best things I can think of are a) dance classes, like say tango or salsa or ballroom, or b) a heartbeat bear (I can't find one right now) which you can cuddle - the boom boom boom heartbeat is oddly comforting in a very primal way, which is why they are used for soothing infants.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:51 AM on March 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh, here - this sort of thing. For $13 it's probably worth trying.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:55 AM on March 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Maybe you could learn something like acrobalance. It requires non-sexual touch, but also a lot of trust and co-operation with your partner, which may give you the feeling of intimacy you're craving. I did it many years ago as an amateur, and I remember most positions would eventually collapse into a sheepish hug of some sort.
posted by embrangled at 6:59 AM on March 14, 2009

On a strictly "need human touch, no sexual subtext" obviously, volunteer with kids or babysit. They won't leave you alone. Or walk dogs for some extra cash. They also won't leave you alone. They won't leave you alone so much that you may start to enjoy your alone time that much more.
posted by agentwills at 7:01 AM on March 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

I have always wanted to try the "free hugs" thing. Get a sign, spend a couple hours downtown, have a lot of zany fun and get your human contact!
posted by Meatbomb at 7:23 AM on March 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Especially if you're an extrovert, I say, dance socially. Depending on your taste in music and local community resources, there may be ballroom, swing, Latin, country, traditional, folk, Argentine tango or other social dance groups, clubs or venues you could check out. If you're somewhat introverted, look first to classes. If painfully introverted, a stuffed animal.
posted by tangonerd at 7:33 AM on March 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

My old boss was looking for volunteering opportunities a few years back in Boston, and ended up with an organization (might have been a hospital) where the volunteers did nothing more than hold newborn children and infants. The mothers, for whatever reason, weren't there to do it, but the children need human contact. Not sure of the name of the group or place where she did it, but you might be able to find something similar.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 7:35 AM on March 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

If you have any athletic interest at all, get involved in some kind of organized sports endeavor. Participating in a team environment can lead to terrific camaraderie, usually including great big hugs when something exciting happens. Plus it's good for your health and your spirit.
posted by netbros at 7:44 AM on March 14, 2009

Perhaps a lap-dog?
posted by strangelove at 7:55 AM on March 14, 2009

Cat.
posted by Krrrlson at 8:24 AM on March 14, 2009

Swing dancing. Plenty of warm, non-weird but super fun physical contact. New England listings; nationwide board for the US - find your own region exploring links/messages.
posted by Miko at 8:26 AM on March 14, 2009

Perhaps a lap-dog?

OP's not allowed pets.

That being said, a cat is a lot more discrete than any sort of dog, if you wanted to bend the rules.
posted by InsanePenguin at 8:31 AM on March 14, 2009

I have no suggestions for you, but I know what you are going through. I also miss the physical (non-sex) intimacy that goes with having a partner. I have come to realize though, like you said, that it is probably just something I (you) have to deal with as part of being single.

Learn to be happy on your own and depend on just yourself, without requiring any external forces (still trying to work on this myself).
posted by althanis at 8:56 AM on March 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Procure a Royal Patron's Circle membership at your local petting zoo.
posted by fairmettle at 9:31 AM on March 14, 2009

You could volunteer at an animal shelter if there's one near you. Also, I know that near me (Chicago, so I have no idea if this is an option in Helsinki) there's a massage therapy school that offers reduced price massages from students in the program (i.e., you get a discounted massage, they get someone to practice on).
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:12 AM on March 14, 2009

It strikes me that you could enroll in massage classes but your comment about not being able to afford to get a massage from a professional makes me think that you probably don't have enough money to do that either.

Your question has definitely brought up some memories for me. I've been in your position before and have a great deal of sympathy for you. I hope someone can suggest a good solution that fits all of your criteria. I feel like I'm offering poor solutions or ones that don't fit your situation.
posted by sciencegeek at 10:37 AM on March 14, 2009

I have a big teddy bear
posted by Palmerpoodles at 1:36 PM on March 14, 2009

Go to night clubs and dance all nasty with people of the opposite sex?

Really, I think what you want does come from being in a relationship.
posted by chunking express at 5:20 PM on March 14, 2009

You could also just be overly affectionate with your friends.
posted by chunking express at 5:24 PM on March 14, 2009

A cat would've made all the difference when I lived alone in a big city with a long distance relationship. Seriously--I'd go to bed at night painfully lonely (not horny lonely either), kept awake with the thought of how if only I had a cat I'd feel so much better...

Then when I moved again and was newly single, I spent cold nights with my little stray cat curled up next to me on the bed. I felt great, seriously. At peace with myself. Yes, cats make all the difference.
posted by ifjuly at 12:09 PM on March 15, 2009

Contra dancing!
posted by fantine at 3:09 AM on March 16, 2009

thin line, sometimes making out or even cuddling can send the wrong message.
posted by Ekidnagrrl17 at 7:02 PM on March 17, 2009

Place an add on a website looking for someone without heart and just want have to have fun sex and touching like you do . There are looots out there.
posted by zulonline at 4:31 PM on March 18, 2009