When's the right time to tell a date you're crazy?

March 5, 2009 6:34 AM

When do I tell prospective romantic partners that I'm bipolar?

I'm female, early 20s and was diagnosed about a year ago as bipolar (technically bipolar II--my depressive episodes can be extreme, and I haven't experienced "full blown" mania but my hypomania is pretty disruptive to my life).

I have a pretty lengthy psychiatric resume: in therapy on and off throughout childhood for rage/lack of self-control/ADD-type issues (if bipolar disorder were being diagnosed in kids those days, I probably would have been); medicated and in therapy for depression/anxiety/OCD/substance abuse starting in high school, eventually leaving school and going to rehab; flunking out of college, experiencing SSRI-induced hypomania and finally, the bipolar dx.

These days I'm medicated, basically stable, and otherwise pretty "normal"--I have an active social life, I'm back at school full-time, I have varied interests, and while I'm no longer sober (I drink alcohol), I don't really do drugs anymore, and not for lack of opportunity. To the outside observer, I pretty much look like I have my shit together. (When friends find out that I'm bipolar, they are generally not shocked, but I doubt anyone would ever guess without my telling them.)

It's important to me that the people who are close to me know that I deal with these various issues, because it's been a major part of my formative years and I'm not really into hiding things. I am not ashamed of my illness, I don't let it define me, and I try to manage my life the best I can, given my somewhat unpredictable moods. However, it's one thing to know someone has bipolar because they tell you, and another entirely to witness firsthand the more private, ugly symptoms. It's easy to hide the nitty-gritty of my depression (staying in bed for days at a time, not showering, binge eating) or hypomania (staying up all night researching some new idea, often with completely unnecessary shopping sprees attached) from my friends, but I imagine being more forthright with a significant other is important for the health of a relationship.

However, I am INCREDIBLY aware of the stigma attached to dating someone with a history of substance abuse and bipolar disorder (in this question, the general consensus is "don't stick your dick in crazy"). And while my mood-swings are certainly more under control than pre-mood stabilizers, this is going to be a part of me for the rest of my life. (Even since beginning treatment, I've had episodes that required a switch in medication from lithium to lamictal, for example, or changes in dosages, or whatever--so I know that this is about management and not a cure.)

So. My question--when's the right time to tell somebody something like this after you start dating them? I don't want to spring this on someone from the get-go and completely sabotage my chances with them, but I also don't want to wait until something gets serious because that feels deceptive to me. I don't have a lot of experience in this arena because my sex life thus far has not included any relationships, but I'm starting to date rather than just "hook up" and I don't really know what proper etiquette with stuff like this is.

posted by anonymous to human relations (35 comments total)

Treat it as chronic, ongoing condition, like say diabetes, and mention it in the first couple of weeks. Explain that there are certain things you have to maintain stable health (note that I didn't say life) that others don't have to do. Portray it in that light, but realize that some people will be scared off by it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:43 AM on March 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

It doesn't have to be very complicated or dramatic. All you can say is something to the effect of *Because you're very special to me I'd like to tell you straight up and be honest - that I have a chemical imbalance which is being treated and which I'm working on.*

That's it. And then if they have questions you answer, but you don't need to turn it into a poor me scenario or anything other than what it is.

Be well.
posted by watercarrier at 6:54 AM on March 5, 2009 [3 favorites]

After you have a strong hunch that you want to have a relationship with them and before the sex.
If it's a one night stand things, they don't need to know.

If you have it pretty well under control, then it's not a big deal and you should mention that. If you still have incidents, then that will become clear and you'll have to explain it then. Better to tell first than to explain some bad behavior, in my opinion, but sometimes you won't be able to control the timing and you'll just have to go with the flow.

The less serious you make it sound, the less serious you S.O. will perceive it, so if you can frame it as "I have these mood swings but don't worry I've found the right meds and I'm stable now" that sounds a lot better than "I am bipolar and I will be forever and someday I might turn on you for no reason." Both are true but one sounds a lot better and I don't think it's misleading.

Everyone enters a relationship not knowing the weird personality tics of the other person. It's good that yours has a name and is being treated. Most people have something going on with them that you don't even get to know and talk about.
I don't think it will be such a big deal if you date mature people (maybe a little older than you since early 20s people can be unreliable) and you can explain it while making light of it.
posted by rmless at 6:54 AM on March 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

What watercarrier said.

I'd want to know early on and with as little drama as possible. The way watercarrier said to say it.
posted by Neofelis at 7:12 AM on March 5, 2009

It would be nice to tell someone before sleeping with him/her. That level of intimacy merits that level of disclosure.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 7:14 AM on March 5, 2009 [3 favorites]

I have a friend who handles this by letting the guy see her take her meds (and making it regular part of their routine -- for example, saying to him "please help remember to take my meds before we leave"). After a few times, he'll normally say "What are those, anyhow" and then she can say "Well, they're mood stabilizers. I have a condition that you may have heard of. Its called Bipolar disorder. I was pretty sick before I started the medication, but since I started the meds XX years ago, I've been basically ok. So, what do you want for dinner?"

I don't know if that's the right or wrong approach, but it seems to work well for her -- not only with romantic partners but also with roommmates, good friends, etc. She says it gives folks a chance to see her as a person who takes a pill for a medical condition, and get used to that idea, before they find out what the condition is.
posted by anastasiav at 7:15 AM on March 5, 2009

I dunno; I can imagine a lot of beginning-stage protorelationships where the sex happens before the Revelations of Personal Shortcomings do.

The only timeframe I can suggest is that if it's serious enough that you've met their parents but you haven't told them yet, something is amiss. Offer does not apply to people who live with their parents, etc.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:20 AM on March 5, 2009

I would NEVER ask someone what they were taking meds for. That seems so rude to me. If they don't volunteer the information about what the pills were for I would never ask and then never know if it was for herpes or diabetes. I think the onus is more on the person with a condition to be honest rather than expecting the people around them to guess at what all the little clues mean. I agree before sex/intimacy.
posted by saucysault at 7:23 AM on March 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

Personally, I think it's very, very important that you let them know going into a relationship, like before there's any talk of "relationship." I also think that it's important for you to ask them if they know what that means and if they have any experience dealing with someone close to them being bi-polar. i disagree that you should not make it seem serious, or that it's just a tic, because that's just not true. Untreated bi-polar syndrome is a scary, potentially dangerous, thing to be confronted with. You should explain what it is, be totally honest about how effectively treated it is, and answer any questions they might have. You want someone who is okay with that, you really do. Not someone who doesn't know what they're getting into, or someone who plays it off and says, "don't worry about it."

For someone like me, who has a severely bi-polar sister that was not treated as effectively as we grew up as you are now, it would bring to mind screaming rages, being attacked with knives, having heavy objects thrown at my head, innumerable trips to the ER, court hearings, etc. Having said that, it wouldn't be a deal-breaker in-and-of itself, but I would definitely want to know up-front because there's some baggage of my own there, even as much as I understand and can be supportive.

For people who have been affected by the untreated bi-polar tendencies (or other emotional illnesses) of parents, siblings, supervisors, or significant others, it needs to be on the table. What you don't want to have happen though is for your s.o. to lovingly invite you into their lives and then freeze up their first sense of an episode, or worse finding out and quietly pushing you towards instability as a means of controlling you, or equally as bad, punishing you for something that is not entirely under your control. You need someone who understands you, or is at least willing to try, and whom you can trust with that information.

Good luck.
posted by mrmojoflying at 7:24 AM on March 5, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'd agree with the 'definitely tell them before you sleep with them' suggestion.

In my experience explaining what I experience first (I have really extreme mood swings, I take medication and see a therapist for it) and then saying you have formally been diagnosed bipolar works best. It puts the emphasis on what things are like for you. Initially calling it something that the person probably carries a lot of preconceptions about takes the focus away from your experience- after all, it's different for everyone and what matters is your experiences, not the formal name that happens to fit most of them.

They're going to reflect the emotions you bring to the subject; no drama and when you're feeling stable if possible; it seems more honest than only telling them because you have to in the middle of your first full blown manic episode when you call him from three hundred miles away because you went to a bar alone the night before and decided it would be a great idea to drive on a 500-mile road trip with two guys an hour after you had met them. Hypothetically speaking of course. Also, good on you for being honest :) Best of luck.
posted by variella at 7:30 AM on March 5, 2009

My first instinct, being someone who is on medication for anxiety and depression and not bipolar syndrome, is to say 'After they've gotten a chance to know you'. You are emphatically not your bipolar, and if you wait to tell them about your mental illness, they will get to know the rest of your personality first. Also, if the meds aren't working, you tell them as soon as you realize you've acted severely depressed or severely manic.
posted by kldickson at 7:31 AM on March 5, 2009

I don't agree about the sex, but I am of the "sex before serious dating and breakfast whichever comes later" school. If you think sex is a 3rd-4th date thing then feel free to tell him after that. Not right after. Like on the next date.

Either way I'd say you need to break things like this to people gently. Start with hints when you talk about your past. "Yeah I used to be pretty messed up haha!" Drugs: "Ooh I don't like those, they make me not-fun." Then if medical or mental health issues come up "Well I certainly have had my share in the past." If he asks, "I used to be more unbalanced, it's something I deal with still, but I'm in a good place right now." If he persists, he wants to know, so tell him.

I just think dropping your medical history into a conversation is a good way to scare someone off. And I don't mean just jerks who don't care, I mean guys with a strong sense of self-preservation who may like you but have had bad experiences with bipolar people before. So ease into it. The reason to wait until after sex is that it's a real sign that y'all are into each-other, and only a cad would run away at that point, since he's already co-signed the potential-relationship contract.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:02 AM on March 5, 2009

I think the question you cited was more about addiction rather than bipolar. I'm aware they do come hand in hand, but addiction can be a killer for relationships where mental health issues are...well, not perfect, but perhaps more manageable. (I'm bipolar and have dated an addict. Both of these involve a certain degree of self-centredness.) I'd advise you to get the phrase 'don't stick your dick in crazy' right out of your head. What are you, merely a vagina with issues? No? Didn;t think so.

Some people will be put off by your being bipolar. Some of these might be prejudiced or afraid of mental health issues, and want an easy time without the seriousness that can come with dealing with someone with a long-term chronic health condition. Some of them just might not know what it is or what it involves. There are a lot of people who actively like dating people with mental health problems as they see them as an easy lay, or easy to take advantage of. It sounds like you've got yourself together enough to be able to tell what sort of person you might be dealing with. You might be dealing with someone who you will tell and they'll say 'So, explain what that might involve'. You won't know until you tell them.

I wasn't diagnosed properly until two years ago, so I've only had to tell one partner - however, we were friends before we got together so he had enough chance to scream and run away. What's helped is trying to be honest. I find it very hard to trust people in relationships and bipolar disorder can make you feel very vulnerable at times. I agree that it's good to do this at a point when you are stable, so that they don't feel confused when something odd happens. You'll want to know how okay with it they are if they're likely to be dealing with you being depressed or manic in the future. I've done things I've been ashamed of and my partner has been understanding throughout, because he knows what to expect.

However, I don't know how I would feel if, say, I met someone in a bar and we got to know each other that way. I think you need to think about it in the same way you would when telling anyone anything important about yourself. I've been open and honest with people about things in the past and it was a mistake - I think I'm a bit better now about knowing when to open up. You say you haven't been dating for long and I think experience will help you realise when to be honest and when to walk away.
posted by mippy at 8:09 AM on March 5, 2009

Speaking from the point of view of someone who has had a several friends in treatment for bipolar disorder, major depression, schizophrenia, and has spend a fair amount of time hugging them when nascent relationships were derailed over The Thing:

People do not know how to process the information that you are bipolar. They don't really know what this means, they panic, they're afraid they will say something offensive, and yes, are a little afraid of the "crazy," too. Instead of saying "I don't know how to react to this news, and it makes me nervous," people tend to awkwardly back away out of fear that they'll do something wrong or fear of embarrassment or because they had a bad experience or maybe because they don't want to deal.

I agree with variella that starting your sentence with "on medication and in therapy" before getting to the "bipolar" part will make the news easier for someone to parse, and therefore easier to for you to discuss. Doesn't need to be a huge WE HAVE TO TALK thing, just be straightforward, lay it out, invite questions, and move on.

It's not a first-date conversation, but it is a third-date conversation. By which I mean by that you're beyond the very early question of "do I ever want to talk to this person again" into "hmm, wonder where this might go" but you're usually still learning a great deal about each other and it's still a very new relationship. There comes a point usually where both parties start dropping personal info and potential vulnerabilities into the process of getting to know each other. This is usually about the time you'd be thinking about sex within the context of a relationship, anyway.
posted by desuetude at 8:35 AM on March 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

Something like this can't be forced, and just has to come out during the natural progression of sharing intimate details as you become comfortable with someone. When you start laying out all these rules for yourself, then it may come out forced and at the wrong moment. Your illness is a part of who you are and always will be; a natural extension as it were. Obviously you are not going to wait until you are married with 3 kids, but it takes time to find all the intimate details about a person. I dare say it takes a lifetime really, so don't be so hard on yourself and enjoy the process of getting to know someone and giving them the opportunity to get to know you.
posted by scarello at 8:55 AM on March 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is usually about the time you'd be thinking about sex within the context of a relationship, anyway.

And that's dependent on who you are. 'Dating' isn't as common in the UK as it is in the States, usually we just go to the pub, get drunk, and end up in bed together until someone asks whether it's boyfriend and girlfriend now. Well, not always, but it's entirely possible to be having sex before wanting to talk about something like this feels right or appropriate.
posted by mippy at 8:56 AM on March 5, 2009

Tell them before things get serious, before parents are met, before long romantic weekends begin, before your next hospitalization, etc. (Just kidding on that last one.) Fact is, if they are going to spend any time with you at all, and you are not ashamed of this thing, they're going to know it anyways, just through the natural course of spending any amount of time with you.

You are emphatically not your bipolar,
posted by kldickson at 9:31 AM

All well and good, and I have a friend (rehab specialist, mostly in mental health field) who insists that I refer to myself as 'a person who has manic depression' rather than 'a manic depressive' but I think that's a bunch of jive -- so much of my life, good and bad, is defined by this thing, it's sortof hard to separate them, it's like trying to separate the stain from the wood on a piece of furniture, except that's not even really a good analogy, as the stain lays on top of the wood, rather than being mixed in it and shot through with it; I describe it to anyone interested as that I not only have manic depression but that manic depression also has me; we live together, sometimes uneasily, sometimes ecstatically, sometimes just walking on down the road.

And yeah, I do call it manic depression, rather than the softening, diffuse, inaccurate term bipolar disorder, taking my cue from Jamison, the brightest and best in the field, wrote the textbook, etc and etc; she insists upon calling it 'manic depressive illness' rather than 'bipolar disorder' with the idea being that bipolar sortof implies that you're either manic or you're depressed when in fact you can and likely are at various different places on that continuum, that often (usually?) both mania and depression are doing bits and pieces of their deal simultaneously (ie mixed states; see the graphs by Dr. Susan McElroy on this page). I maybe wouldn't call 'the manic depressive illness' when telling someone for the first time (though fact is that I probably would -- I guess I'm saying that maybe our poster may not want to) because so many people are onto the term 'bipolar disorder' and think of total psychos when hearing the term manic depressive.

We're not monsters. We're not jerks, we're not bad, we're not contagious (though it is a genetic thing of course, and prone to being passed on to children that we might have, so you'll absolutely want to tell someone before you're on your way to the delivery room "Oh, btw darling, our child might have the manic depressive illness!") We have this illness. You're getting the support you need, you are taking care of yourself, you are keeping yourself within specific parameters and you've set up a lifestyle to do so, you don't need his help, though you will need his support, same as if you had diabetes or high blood pressure. Let anyone close to you know in a normal way (such as there is a normal way to tell someone that we have a mental illness), in the normal course of events.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:32 AM on March 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm in the same situation as the poster - same illness (but severe type I), successfully treated and stable for a few years now. I've also been dating very heavily for a year with a pretty wide range of 'pacing' (everything from sex on the first date to a month of dates without more than some kissing).

In general, my experience has been that the stigma seems to be far worse for males (fears of physical abusiveness) than for females ("All women are crazy anyway, bro, amirite??").

When dating, there's usually a 'breaking point', often during the third date in my experience, where skeletons start coming out of the closet, and that's usually the time to tell. As a rule I mention it, with emphasis on the "stable for years now and it's no longer really a part of my life or something I think about but I want to be proactively honest with you," before having sex *unless* sex occurs before the third date.

But yeah, in my experience that "skeletons" moment tends to happen reasonably early in a proto-relationship, and that's the best time to tell them.
posted by Ryvar at 9:43 AM on March 5, 2009

Anecdote: I went on a date recently and we both pretty much revealed all our problems to each other within the first couple of hours. Then we had sex. And that we pretty much the end of it. I think we were both equally freaked out. I'm not sure if it was the first date sex, or the oversharing. Personally I think I could have handled the sex but was freaked out by all her baggage. Not sure what her feeling was. But I think I could handle being broken in slowly on this one, if it's something your managing.
posted by sully75 at 10:15 AM on March 5, 2009

You say you're "basically stable". What does that mean? Do you still have swings that impact you or those around you, even if milder than before? To me, that is the real issue here - if you're with this person long enough that they experience you cycle though both states (and the in-between), then you have something to talk about. And talking about it can be talking about the symptoms and experiences you live with. If you are concerned about the stigma of the label, you can talk about the symptoms without using the label "bipolar" or "manic depressive".

The issue here is language and how it is interpreted. "Bipolar" and "manic depressive" are well-known phrases; ones that have a lot of stigma attached to them. But ultimately, they are labels.

But these labels are most meaningful as a diagnosis in a psychiatric context. They assign a category to persons presenting a specific constellation of symptoms. From this diagnosis, treatment plans can be prescribed based on the findings of research or clinical practice that demonstrated positive effect on people given the same diagnosis. They describe a population of people with similar symptoms, not any given individual.

These are medical terms applying to general populations. You are unique - and your emotional life is yours and yours alone. So, what exactly does a generic label have to do with your dating relationship? Seems like an ambiguous shortcut to a real discussion about who you are.

I suggest proceeding with the developing relationship without introducing the medical terminology. By the way, it applies to you too -- you only need to see yourself as bipolar when considering your treatment plan and any cognitive/behavoral practices you may be employing to help you. At some point, talk about how your moods and outlooks change from time to time. Recall particular incidents that illustrated the mood changes and the actions that resulted. This could be ongoing - as they occur, you could mention it at that moment. This also helps you remain consciously aware of your state, and all the more capable to taking actions to help you stabilize. Then, after your partner shows that they are supportive in the "ups and downs", or when they ask if you've ever sought medical help, you can mention your diagnosis.

Before or after sex is up to you - I can't see how there's a general rule about this, only personal preference. Does everyone reveal the most personal things about themselves before having sex? Some people do - okay. Some people don't - still okay. It might be months or years before understanding your partner enough to know of their emotional issues -- does that keep people from having sex?

You don't need to apply some sort of warning label to yourself because you're damaged or dangerous goods. That is your projection on the situation, probably because you understandably fear the stigma of "being bipolar". Just talk about who you are, rather than what someone else thinks you might be.
posted by buzzv at 10:39 AM on March 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'd ask instead: When do you feel that you need to share this FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT?

For me, I HAVE to wear my alcoholism on my sleeve. I have to put it out there - not in fairness to them, not to prep them so that they know my past issues, and not to let them avoid the latent crazy if they need/want to - but because I need share my alcoholism with someone I'm thinking about dating in order to stay sober. It has to be done right up front. Usually in my online dating profiles. Seriously. (Otherwise, I run the risk of putting myself in a position where it is me, alcohol and someone who doesn't know I'm a drunk. And that's a recipe for disaster.) If it doesn't sink in based on my profile information, it goes right into the first conversation when they ask if I want to meet them for a drink. "I'd love to meet you for a drink, but I can't drink alcohol or I go crazy, and I'd rather that not be your first impression of me, so can it be coffee?"

Desuetude is right that people don't really know how to process this stuff well. But if it is encapsulated in the message that you are taking care of yourself, I have found that a number of people look at the whole picture and say: "Hey that's responsible. That's good self-care." instead of "I am not letting my dick go anywhere near that crazy!" I am also pretty sure that most people will take their cues from you. If you are comfortable with it, chances are your comfort level and frankness will put them at ease and reassure them that...well, everything everyone has already said about YOU not being defined by IT.
posted by greekphilosophy at 12:20 PM on March 5, 2009

You should tell them about the time it goes from hooking up or hanging out to proper dating. You "deal with these various issues" so it is part of your life.

I agree with most folks here, except on skirting the issue. If you are bipolar you should explicitly say that, not hide it with something about "a chemical imbalance which is being treated". People have the right to know. I'm sure you are a great person and all, but there are many of us out there that would never consider entering a relationship with someone who is bipolar.
posted by Slenny at 12:26 PM on March 5, 2009

Let me weigh in here.

Most people when they hear the term "bipolar" think of someone bat s**t crazy who does totally off the wall things. Most people do not understand that type two bipolar is a different sort of condition, and that, treated, one fits in quite well with the general population.

You need to not bring this up until the person knows you for YOU. THEN explain it to them. Otherwise all they will hear is the big "b" word and not what you are saying.

This is not a matter of hiding anything. This is a matter of some things aren't anyone's business until it is.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:56 PM on March 5, 2009

(and to slenny, you would be shocked at how many people you know that have this. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, and probably some of your friends. And they don't tell you because you already have your mind up about what "those" people are like. )
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:57 PM on March 5, 2009

Forgive me for being blunt, and likely prejudicial and ignorant, but I would not want to date someone taking any kind of psychiatric meds and so would like to know as soon as possible. And yes, I would walk away. But then, you wouldn't want to date someone as judgmental as me anyway, right?
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:07 PM on March 5, 2009

("Prejudiced," sorry.)
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:08 PM on March 5, 2009

People do not know how to process the information that you are bipolar. They don't really know what this means, they panic, they're afraid they will say something offensive, and yes, are a little afraid of the "crazy," too.

I'm not sure I entirely agree with this. Speak to enough people about these kinds of matters, and you'll soon find that every second person has a friend, relative, partner or colleague with some kind of mental illness.

Speaking in rough terms, of the remaining 50%, half might be "oh, that's interesting - tell me about it" and the other half imagine that it's all One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

So, basically, don't assume that people can't or won't understand, or at least try.

I would not want to date someone taking any kind of psychiatric meds

Hm, that raises an interesting point. A lot of meds can affect libido, arousal, and/or the ability to orgasm. If any of these side-effects pertain to your reaction to meds, it would probably be responsible to let any prospective partners know before it got to the stage of them having to find out for themselves.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:38 PM on March 5, 2009

Forgive me for being blunt, and likely prejudicial and ignorant, but I would not want to date someone taking any kind of psychiatric meds and so would like to know as soon as possible. And yes, I would walk away. But then, you wouldn't want to date someone as judgmental as me anyway, right?
Taking that at face value and not snark, absolutely, as it would display a breathtaking amount of ignorance as to the very many reasons a particular individual would be taking a particular medication-and I always made it a point not to date stupid folks.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:43 PM on March 5, 2009

I wouldn't date anyone who believes in God, either. The reasons people rule out other people as romantic prospects are wide and varied and idiosyncratic. Too tall, too short, eats with mouth open, etc. More information is better, in my opinion, and I was simply giving the poster the perspective that yes, there are people to whom this is a dealbreaker and those people would want to know sooner rather than later.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:55 PM on March 5, 2009

Okay, there are those to whom this would be a dealbreaker immediately.

We aren't really talking about those people. We are talking about the majority of people who most likely don't give these sorts of things that much thought, don't have that much info to go on, and if given a chance to know a particular person, could make an informed choice that would be based on fact and not on kneejerk ignorance.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:12 PM on March 5, 2009

My wife [has/is] Bipolar II. I learned about this gradually throughout the course of our dating -- fairly early on I was aware that she took medication and saw a therapist. As we got to know each other, I gradually learned more about it.

In the beginning she avoided me when she was having a particularly "dark" day -- she did not want me to see her at her worst (and I don't blame her), and was afraid she might lash out at me or say something she'd regret. I don't remember exactly how she managed this, but she wasn't dishonest with me -- I think she simply told me she was having a bad day and needed to be alone (but not quite so dismissive). As we got closer I became more insistent that she could not simply escape every time things got unpleasant --that if we were serious about each other then I needed to know this part of her too. So I gradually became privy to her harder moments.

The point is, someone you date should learn about this exactly the way they learn about everything else about you -- starting with the basics, gradually growing deeper and more focused as your relationship gets more intimate. Don't hide it by any means, but there's no need to sit down on the second date for a "we have to talk" discussion with "So You're Dating Someone with Depression" pamphlets. (However, as your relationship gets more committed you will have to really and discuss its implications for your relationship, and how he can be there for you).
posted by Alabaster at 7:45 PM on March 5, 2009

People do not know how to process the information that you are bipolar. They don't really know what this means, they panic, they're afraid they will say something offensive, and yes, are a little afraid of the "crazy," too.

I'm not sure I entirely agree with this. Speak to enough people about these kinds of matters, and you'll soon find that every second person has a friend, relative, partner or colleague with some kind of mental illness.

Knowing someone with mental illness and privately not having quite known how to react initially are not mutually exclusive, right?
posted by desuetude at 8:41 PM on March 5, 2009

true. but note the use of "initially" there.

what i'm saying is that a lot more people have had a lot more exposure to people gifted with mental awesomeness than one would think, so there's no reason to assume that "people" in general don't know how to react.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:35 PM on March 5, 2009

Warning: TL;DR ahead.

I really like the method anastasiav gave above about just letting a date see you take your medication a bunch of times in everyday life, and I would combine it with saucysault's remark by mentioning offhand at some point what they're for.

After s/he hands them to you out of the cabinet: "Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering, I take these pills for bipolar type II. It's fairly well-controlled and everything, so it's generally not a big deal, but just in case you were curious." And leave it at that for the time being, unless your date has questions; if s/he does, your job is to answer them simply and honestly. Don't whitewash, but don't overdramatize either. "Yeah, I did have a handful of serious episodes in the past. They were hard on me and my family. Life has been a lot better since we got things under good control a few years back, though."

As for when to do it, I can't think of sexual intimacy as a dividing line myself; I'd suggest that you introduce it at about the time you start to think that your casual dating may start turning into more than just a quick few bed-romps or a not-quite-platonic friendship. For a lot of people this does correspond to about the time they hop into bed. If you're seeing someone more than once a week, you really look forward to seeing them and you know they look forward to seeing you (whether or not you're getting together to do the horizontal polka), it's time.

This is the point at which you will get one of:

1. a shrug (more common among people under age 30, since almost everyone knows at least one person who takes pills for a psychiatric or neurological condition, especially in the college-educated set),


2. an interested nod,


3. or an uneasy and gradually building barrage of questions.

Here you just have to proceed as calmly as possible. The outcome is not always going to be in your favor. It's hard not to take it personally, because bipolar II is an essential part of who you are, but all you can do is remind yourself that if they haven't been close to you for a good while, they're still backing away from the baggage of the label, not from you.

Regarding the nitty-gritty of hefty history, if it's important to you that it be discussed at least briefly, I'd wait on that until after you and your partner are pretty tight. It needs to be talked over a bit with anyone you're planning to marry, especially if there's a chance you might have an episode within the foreseeable future. I would say it should almost certainly be mentioned in a long-term relationship, but the line here is blurrier; I know people in successful LTRs whose partners know that they have a psychiatric condition but don't feel the need to know all the gory details of the hospitalizations that happened four or ten years before they met them. As far as they're concerned, it's the same as not necessarily needing to know every detail about the early stages of treating a disorder like diabetes, Crohn's disease, or endometriosis that's now being managed successfully and has been so for a while. This goes out the window if you have ever been a serious danger to yourself or others; all long-term partners need to know this.

I have used variants on the "let your date see you take a pill four or five times like it's no big deal, then briefly explain the pill sometime" with success. My conditions are under somewhat more tenuous control than yours are. I have had to explain to people I have been seeing for only a few months that things are flaring up, I need to back into my cave and lick my wounds for a little while, it has absolutely nothing to do with them, and I'll touch base with them every few days to let them know my status.

I have also been in long-term relationships where I shared a house with my SO. In those cases I described to them ahead of time what might happen, told them I would make an effort to advise them that things were flaring, and explained the best, most specific courses of action for them to take, both for the flares I could handle on my own and for the rare serious ones. If you have family and friends who are reliable go-tos in the event that things seriously take a turn for the worse, remind your SO that s/he will never be alone in handling a bad episode, and give them a list of phone numbers to call.

All of this is easier if you date people you've already made good friends with and feel comfortable around.

By and large what has helped me the most has always been addressing the subject at a time when it's well in the background, in a relaxed way, and being specific and calm about anything my SO can or must do. If the playbook feels like it's been written in advance, your partner feels armed and knowledgable. So will you — you should know for yourself what you can do and when.

This is a lot like their being in a relationship with a diabetic, an epileptic, a food-allergic, or someone else with a controlled but sometimes unpredictably serious chronic condition. If you had one of those, your partner might need to know how to give injections, what to do in a hypoglycemic episode, how to use an EpiPen, the best position to move you into during a seizure, if and when to call 911. In most cases and most of the time, having a relationship with someone with a reasonably controlled psychiatric condition is easier than any of that. Things become more difficult with someone whose condition is under diminishing or poor control: someone who stops taking the medication that they have needed every day for months or years, or who refuses to acknowledge any signs that things are deteriorating. (Also true for heart patients, e.g., as many in a middle-aged marriage can tell you.)

You can do this, I promise.

Props to UbuRoivas for noting the necessity of addressing sexual side effects of medication.

CunningLinguist, bummer. But I guess there are people who would be nervous or lacking in information on dating a diabetic or an epileptic, too. Thank you for being honest. I'd be interested to know your rationale offline.

For others reading, the difference between those of us with upfront issues and everyone else isn't so much that we're sick and you're not; it's that we're sick and you're not yet. It's much easier to attach yourself to someone without being able to see the post-childbirth incontinence, colostomy bag, triple bypass, radical prostatectomy, or delusional thoughts that may come down the road. Sometimes this is smart, and other times it's not. I've had my share of rough patches, but I can say with quiet confidence that no one has ever regretted spending years of their lives with me. Thank God or luck that I got their love too.
posted by jeeves at 10:38 PM on March 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

This whole thing of not wanting to date people with manic depression, that it's a deal-killer for you -- that is great information for you to have. And it's one reason (though not the primary reason, which is that it's just part of my life and I've no time to waste hiding out) I tell people right off, to save them that time and grief, and to save myself the time and grief also. It's painful to know that there are people who wouldn't date me because of something over which I have no control, but I surely understand it, same as I understand my not wanting to date a woman with an unfortunate face or figure, also just a genetic toss of the dice, and (usually) not her fault. But not mine either.

I dated a painter once who was looking for her a man and I was a fit in oh so many ways, then I tell her, my arm around her shoulders, lying in the back of my pickup, out in the country watching the stars be stars and stuff -- I tell her that I'm a manic depressive. I didn't know it at the time, but it was basically a knife into her heart -- she'd never had experience with anyone with this dang manic depressive thing, but everyone in her life who *did* have experience with us had really hard times, and she was deeply afraid (almost certainly with good cause; many of us are surely different in our ways from the average mope running the streets) though she surely did like me, and we surely did have a time. But a short time. (Some day when you're bored, ask me and I'll tell you that whole story about her and her need for a man to dominate her physically and emotionally and also her need for a man to serve as wallet, a game I've never played and never will, not in fourteen thousand years -- if I'm going to enter into an arrangement with a prostitute (and I have, lo those long years ago) I want all the lines clearly laid, cards face up on the table, let's keep everything straight up, right?)

I tend toward artists (painters are the most fun, by far the best in the rack) and writers also, though writers are often deeply neurotic and self-obsessed and obsessed also with their characters, these fictional mopes staggering across their laptop screens. Or psychotherapists -- if you think that manic depressives are wacky, get your hands on a therapist or two -- whoa! Great fun.

We're all out here scared, trying desperately to protect our hearts, while at the same time longing to open them up, to allow them to breathe freely in the presence of another. Over time we all of us learn how painful it can be to get creamed, so we (try to) spend time with those who we think have the least possibility of causing us disappointment and hurt, we do what we can to nip suffering before we open ourselves up to it, we've all got these amortization tables laid out, we're trying to cut risks and insure ourselves long-term gain.

None of this works of course, but it's better than nothing, and gives us something to fret about as we walk down the road, wondering who in the hell is 'next' and will she have green eyes or blue, or maybe she's that soft-hearted gal with big brown eyes and long lean thighs who I've been sparking here in recent weeks -- can I open up my dang dumb heart here, do I dare inflict myself upon this poor soul, is she going to one day open up and tell me she's a Taurus, that her moon was in capricornicopia or some such hog-wash, any of which is a total deal-killer for me, as I think that astrology is even crazier (is this possible?) than fundamentalist baptists or republicans.

Date who you want, take care of your heart, have fun.

Peace.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:43 AM on March 6, 2009